1496: The war of O’khasis – Chapter Four

Title: The war of O’khasis
Author: princessteda12
Media: Movie
Topic: Disney’s Mulan Minecraft
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Chapter Four
Critiqued by Lyle

Hello, lovelies!  Guess what?  Our author finally realized she had mistaken the name “Mulan” with the word “Minecraft” and moved the fic to the proper area!

Lina:  Or the moderators got off their thumbs and did it for her when they realized what a doorknob they were dealing with.

Given how lazy the FF.net moderators are, it’s kind of a toss-up on which one of those is correct.  Either way, the fic is now listed as Minecraft on the site.  It’s also listed as “complete.”  Including today, we have two chapters and an author’s note posted as a chapter left to go.  Would you care to do the recap?  You’ve been gone for a bit.

Lina:  To tell you the truth, I’ve been so busy at the shop that I have no clue what’s going on in this one.

Well, you honestly haven’t missed much.  This won’t take long to get you up to speed.  Racheal is a princess who likes to climb trees.  Her father, who is also a kingdom, tells her they’re in great danger because werewolves have teamed up with bandits and are going to attack their city.  Racheal sneaks out with a character blob and they go into a forest to have a pointless conversation with a thief-girl about the issue before returning home.  Racheal goes to bed and gets woken up by one of the guards because the castle is on fire(?) and being bombed by the enemy.  Instead of evacuating the castle for someplace potentially safer, they bring everyone from the town into the castle and have a mattress sleepover party in the *snort* lobby of the castle.  All while the castle is in danger of falling down all around them.  Also, PapaCity is really bad at battle tactics.

Chapter four is slightly longer than the others at a whopping 1500 words so lets get started.

I laid on my mattress looking at the ceiling, I decided to go for the plan. Only men were allowed to join the wolves and thieves, I grabbed a pair of shears and walked into the garden.

Was it time to shear the sheep?

Lina:  I would imagine only werewolves were allowed to join the wolves.

No female werewolves?

Lina:  Well, yes, of course there are.  Some movies recently made it seem like the men were the only ones that fought, or that were turned, but werewolves operate a lot like a real wolf pack, with the exception of breeding laws.  Men and women go out hunting together in cooperative units, leaving their pups with other members of the pack that either can’t, or don’t, hunt.

Right. That aside, where did she get the scissors?  Everyone is confined to the mattress party.

Lina: They must have been doing crafts before lights out.

I hesitated at first, then I cut my hair shoulder length.

You rebel, you.

Lina:  Isn’t your hair usually shoulder length?

Or shorter, yes.  It’s getting too long and it’s time to bob it off again, but I prefer shorter hair, yes.

Lina:  Often mistaken for male, are you?

*pokes at her chests*  Not often, no.

I climbed the walls to grab some clothes,

That were sitting on the wall?

Lina:  The enemies were lobbing explosives and last year’s Prada.  Some of it didn’t make it all the way over.

Hazel had told me what the thieves looked like,

They looked, you know, theif-y.

Lina:  *reaches over to the keyboard and hits a few keys*

*snort*  Yes, let’s go with that.

so luckily I had something similar to that in my closet.

You’re not in your closet, you’re standing on top of the castle walls.  A lot of good it’ll do you having a Sexy Hamburgler outfit in your closet when you’re not in your bedroom.

I put on a black plain tee, a camo vest, and dark blue navy jeans.

Lina: *cringes*  The thieves have absolutely no sense of style.

Damn, my style usually consists of dorky mash-up t-shirts and jeans, and even I find that hideous.

After taking one more look at O’khasis, I jumped over the castle walls and headed straight for the western wolf tribe, I can’t believe I’m doing this.

Good thing she has God Mode enabled so she doesn’t die from jumping off the castle walls.  *taps the buzzer*

Yup, that’s a Sue: 4

Lina:  Another note of consideration…

Yes?

Lina:  You mentioned these wolves had been attacking the castle, flinging explosives over the walls.  That means the castle is probably under siege.  How does no one notice her flinging herself bodily over the wall to join them?

Sue.

When I got there, a wolf named Mystic Luck handed me a bow with an infinity enchant, and arrow, and a diamond sword.

Wait, wait.  They automatically accept and arm her with kick-ass weaponry?!  No one asks where she came from, or what her name was?  Just… “Here’s our best gear.  Have at!”?

Lina:  *pinches the bridge of her nose*

“Ah, new recruit, the targets are that way.” she pointed to a tent with 5 thieves lined up shooting arrows when a were wolf said go.

She?  I thought only men were allowed in the wolves and thieves?

“That is White Fire, the head of the practice classes.” and I was off, there was a space next to a boy with black hair in a hair style that looked like Garroth, it reminded me of how much I missed O’khasis.

You’ve been gone five minutes!

I nocked my arrow and draw the string when White Fire said release, everyone missed the target, except me, I got a bull-eye.

*taps buzzer*

Yup, that’s a Sue: 5

“Hey, you newbie, come here.” Yelled White Fire, I slowly walked towards the huge werewolf. “You got real talent, everyone, on to running.” During the rest of the day, I passed every class, which was running sword handling and more target practice with the bow and arrows. then white fire took everyone to their cabins for the night. I slept with the same boy I stood next to in target practice that day.

Lina:  I think the author forgot they’re currently putting the city under siege.  *taps buzzer*

Yup, that’s a Sue: 6

Apparently the wolves and thieves believe they’re going to be there for a long time if they took the time to erect cabins instead of just bringing tents.

“Hey newbie, what’s your name?” he asked, dang it I should had thought of a boy name before I left O’khasis. I thought.

It’s been hours since you joined and this is the first time someone has asked you for your fucking name?

my name is Ryan, I responded to him.

Mentally, as I don’t know how the fuck quotation marks work.

Lina:  Just one more problem in a sea of suck.

well Ryan, you got some skills, c’mon we have to go to sleep before the other werewolves get suspicions, and then he blew out the torch.

Suspicious?  Of what exactly?  They won’t get “suspicious” if you’re up late talking.  They’ll get annoyed or angry at recruits that can’t follow orders.

Lina:  His use of that word makes him rather suspicious.

Back at O’khasis, Garroth P.O.V

*grinds teeth*

I heard mom scream in the morning when she woke up. All 5 of us went over to see what was wrong.

*smacks Garroth upside the head*  No numerals!

She…she is gone, Racheal is gone! she kept on repeating. We all split up and searched all over the castle for the missing princess.

But seriously, the author was using quotation marks up until a few sentences ago.  What the hell happened?

Lina:  The thieves stole them.

She isn’t in her room said Dante,

Or in the garden, Vylad and Zane said together

Or outside, I said

Or in the throne room, said Laurence

That was a fast search.

Lina:  They may be a character blob, but they’re sure efficient!

Wait, what if started Zane, I knew where this was goin, and I didn’t want anyone else to be more worried than ever about my sister missing.

Worried is not the term I’d be if I found out my daughter jumped the wall and joined the enemy.  Furious would be the word to describe it.

Lina:  Tell me about it.  Ais married a Wolf.  I had to practically tie her father down-

*porn music blasts over the loud speakers*

Lina:  …That’s not what I meant.  We use fur-lined leather cuffs for that sort of thing.

*porn music hesitates, not sure where to go with an admittance of kink*

Lina:  Anyway, Vlad was livid when he found out where she’d gone and what she did.  It took a lot of convincing on both her and my parts to get him to accept it.

I’m honestly surprised you were more chill about it.

Lina:  You know, right before I got sick and “died”, Vlad and I worked with a few Wolves on solving a mystery that was plaguing my hometown.  They sort of changed my mind about them.  It’s hard to undo eighteen years of conditioning to see them as scum and deserving of death, but it certainly opened my eyes to the fact that they were people, too.

That’s awfully deep.  Too deep for the piece of shit we’re supposed to be riffing.

Lina:  Agreed.  Let’s get back to the suck.

No, she’s better than that. Let us just hope that she is okay, I stopped Zane from continuing.

So, are they just calling off the search then?

Sun set at the cabins

*grinds teeth harder*

I woke up from White Fire yelling at me, “Ryan come here, Black Moon, wants you right now, gather 5 of the best thieves and report to the main tent.”

And just like that, our quotation marks are back!

Lina: *thumbs through the script*  The part of White Fire will be played by William Shatner.

How did Shatner find out Racheal’s fake name?  The only person she told it to was… uhm… huh.  How self-centered.  She told him her fake name but never asked for his.

Yup, that’s a Sue: 7

First when I gathered the best 5 thieves they didn’t really listen to me until I mentioned “orders from White Fire and Black Moon, we have to report to the main tent.”

How do we know they’re the best?!

Lina:  Someone pinned numbers to their shirts.

When we got there Black Moon had a map of the castle of O’khasis,

And they have one of those how?  I get the impression they’re not exactly welcomed there.

Lina: You can pick a copy up at the local library.

“Ryan and the other 5 thieves, we need you to raid the castle and kill the tree sons of O’khasis, and the daughter of O’khasis.” I froze when he mentioned the daughter of O’khasis. Guards were marked with an X on the map, any ideas on how we can enter? he asked

She’s concerned about them wanting to kill her but had no reaction to the mention of having her brothers killed.  What an ass.

Lina:  Well, if her brothers all die, she’s next in line to the throne.  With no male heir, they’ll have to give the crown to her, or marry her to someone they want to put in place.  Sadly, that’ll probably be a cousin or an uncle.

I looked at the map, “The hole we bombed is the least guarded, we can enter from there and then make our way down from there.” I suggested.

Lina:  See?  She’s helping them get into the castle.  She wants that crown, and possibly her cousin.

…

Anyway, this shows how bad the king really is at strategy if he’s leaving the easiest access point as the least guarded.  And if they blasted a hole in the wall already, why haven’t they stormed the castle?  Obviously they have superior fire power.

“Okay, everyone, put on these masks, so they won’t recognize you during the raid.”

I grabbed a mask and put it on, before I left I cut my hair all the way to look like a boy.

And why didn’t she do that the first time she cut her hair?

Lina:  This thing is written by someone with the logic capacity of a slime mold.  You’re not going to see anything close to sense happening.

“Go, go, go and remember the plan about the royal family of O’khasis.” nd we were off

“Don’t forget to go do the thing that is the entire objective of the mission!”

Lina:  And here I was thinking they were breaking into the castle to do a jigsaw.

We climbed our way to the hole, and made our way down. 3 guard waited for us down in the throne room,

So there was literally no one guarding the hole in the wall.  Are you fucking kidding me?

 

we instantly killed them all, then I was in shock. Garroth was standing there, looking straight at me, behind him was Laurence, Dante Zane and Vylad.

You have no qualms about killing faceless servants of your father, but if it’s your friends, heaven forbid!

Lina:  *pulls out her phone and starts typing*

Oh no.

So enthusiastic.

Then a thief charged at Garroth, I had to act quickly before my brother is killed, I charged at the thief.

Because there’s no chance your brother could defend himself against the thief.  You just assume he’s helpless.  You have to swoop in and be the hero.

Yup, that’s a Sue: 8

Soon the thief was dead on the ground, the other 4 charged at me, yelling traitor. With a move of my sword, they were all dead.

Yup, that’s a Sue: 9

*fumes silently*

*A Darkwraith in booty-shorts and glitter ghosts in and hands Lina a mug of steaming liquid.  Lina presses it into Lyle’s hands and nods a dismissal to her barista*

I looked back at the five boys standing there. Then Garroth said

Who are you,

You don’t need to know that now, and without another word, I climbed out of the castle.

*sips her drink and glowers at the screen*

Lina:  And she didn’t reveal herself because…

Garroth P.O.V a couple of min. before the attack.

Oh, fuck you.  Fuck you sideways with a pineapple.

I saw a guard talking to father, I walked up toward them then the guard told me,

there is an intruder in the castle. grab a diamond sword and chest plate, that is all we can spare. I left to tell the others. They all already doing an attack inside the castle? asked Vylad.

No, you dipshit.  You’re playing pretty princess dress up with war gear!

Lina:  Drink you tea, love.

*disgruntled sip*

So we are risking our lives for that quipped Zane.

*sets her tea down carefully on the desk and grabs Carlos*

*BZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!*

That is not a quip!  You are risking your lives!  The castle is being invaded!  This is not the time to fail at witticism!

I ignored Zane and replied there are swords and a chest plate in the throne room, i’m pretty sure that is where they are going.

Yes, let’s make assumptions on where the intruders will go instead of doing an actual search.

Lina:  Considering how fast they searched for Racheal earlier, you’d think it would just be quicker to do a full sweep than wait in a location the enemy may or may not be heading for.

Going to the throne room is a stupid idea as it is.  If the bad guys are out to kill the royal children, the last place to look would be the throne room.  Any sensible leader would have whisked the children to some heavily fortified safe room, unless the child is an adult in service of the army, in which case they would already be deployed, and the heir would be at his father’s side in the war room, learning about military strategy and castle defense.

Lina:  Shall I have Bubbles bring you more tea?

…That Darkwraith’s name is Bubbles?

Lina:  I needed name tags for them and I wanted all my crew to have names that make them a bit more approachable.  No one wants to order a chai made by Drathgul the Unhinged.  And besides, I let them all pick out their work-names themselves.

I… can’t really fault that, I guess.  Sure, have Bubbles make up another mug of this; it’s actually quite delightful.

We all walked in with 3 guards, the rest are taking care of the villagers.

Instead of manning the wall as they should be.

Then there they were, 6 thieves stood there, one looked straight at me, before I could charge at him, another thief was going to kill me. The frozen thief sprung and killed the thief, wait is he a traitor? I asked myself. the others were behind me blocking the arrows the thieves fired at us, the traitor thief stepped up and killed the 4 thieves. soon O’khasis Guards and the 5 thieves laid dead on the ground. I stepped up,

who are you I asked he paused then answered

you don’t need to know that right now, then he left.

That recap was entirely….

 

At the main tent, Racheal P.O.V

The leader of the wolves has to sleep in a tent but everyone else gets cabins.  Right.

the fools they should had listen to me when they had the chance, except a swarm of guards surrounded us, we kept fighting until more came, I knew we were out of luck so I ordered retreat, they didn’t listen to me at all and kept fighting, the next thing I saw on the 2nd floor of the castle was dead thieves on the ground. I told Black Moon, I hope she bought it,

So all the leaders of the MALE ONLY enemy are female?

Very well then you r going to do another attack in the castle again in the morning, for now, get some sleep, star thief.

*growls*

“Are” is THREE FUCKING LETTERS!  Seriously?!

Lina:  *takes a second mug from Bubbles with a nod of thanks and passes it to Lyle*  Drink.

*angry sipping*

I walked back to the cabin I shared with Kevin.

Oh, the dark haired boy’s name is Kevin?  That doesn’t sound like it was pulled from your ass when you realized you never named him.

Lina:  Your sarcasm could peel pant.  In fact, you might want Perky McNinja to do some touch ups in here.  There’s a few spots where you can see the drywall.

Well how’d it go, he asked, i huffed not wanting to talk about it, never mind, night Ryan, and he blew the torch out.

He – *snerk* – he blew out – *snort* – Kevin blew out a torch.  BWHAHAHAHA!

Lina:  Powerful lungs, that one.  If he can carry a tune, he should try the opera.  Must less chance of dying.

the next morning, Kevin and I woke up to help him with his sword handling. Soon, a sword fell to the ground. good job Kevin, but next time, except of going for the hit, if your foe is charging at you block it then hit. I told him,

How about no.  If your foe is charging at you, he’s got a shit ton of momentum built up.  Side step forward at a 45-degree angle to his sword arm side, reflect that arm across his body and drive your knee into his groin so hard his berries burst.

I soon realize what time it was, I had to gather the 5 thieves and attack O’khasis again, with the same plan.

The five thieves that are dead?

Lina:  So now the enemies are made up of wolves, thieves, and zombies?

I gathered the next 5 good thieves, Kevin staid back and practiced with another boy. We put on our helmets and ran towards the same hole in the wall. After releasing the same plan, Garroth asked

Second verse, same as the first.  Here’s a hint:  If the plan didn’t work the first time, try something different!

Why r u helping us, I didn’t know what to say so I thought of something fast

the wolves nearly killed my family and friends I knew if I turned into a thief I will be able to help them. I replied

so this is for your kingdom asked Laurence, i hadn’t heard that voice in a while, and I’m glad to here it again.

yep, the thieves and wolves r actually being forced to do this, the leader Alpha Claw will kill anyone if they reject orders.

So who r u again asked Vylad, i paused then had an idea

u will figure that out, tomorrow i will ask Black Moon to gather everyone to fight against you 5, don’t order the guards until i show u who i really am. Then i was off.

*sips her tea*

I just… I don’t even know what to say to all that.  It’s like it was written on the back of a cracker box and then uploaded without a second thought to how utterly horrible it was.  This is downright insulting to people who can read.

Back with Garroth P.O.V after Racheal left

*twitches and sips*

does anyone know who that guy was asked Dante, I was really confused on what he said and ignored Dante’s question

Lina:  You know, I was a single child.  But I’d like to think that if I were raised with a sibling, I’d be able to recognize their voice, even if they’re wearing a horse head.

tomorrow we will figure out who that person is, he did say that it’s us 5 against the thieves and wolves, that cant be good I responded. we all looked worried,

Lina:  You know, this would actually be a really good set up by an assassin who is hired to kill them.  Gain their trust by continually killing some expendable lackeys, tell them if they come alone they’ll find out who you are, then snipe the idiots when they show up all trusting.

Good point.

well for now, I thinks its best to keep this a secret make sure no villagers guards or even our parents know about this said Vylad. we all agreed.

Why?  Why does everyone in this fic think that keeping secrets is helpful?

So tomorrow is our big fight to end this, lets hope that we win.

Considering how dumb these people are, I’m kind of hoping the wolves and thieves win.

Lina:  Wolves, thieves, and zombies.

Right.

Well, that’s it for this week!  Join me next time when we finish this pile of rancid defecation.

Lina:  Let’s go back to the Blood of the Bean.  I’ll have Bubbles whip us up a pot and we can discuss paint swatches for this room.

…

Sure, okay.

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