1495: Garfield Effect: Galaxy Adventure – Chapter Nine

Title: Garfield Effect: Galaxy Adventure
Author: ShakespeareHemmingway
Media: Video Game/Comic
Topic: Garfield/Mass Effect
Genre: Sci-fi/Adventure/crossover
URL: Chapter Nine
Critiqued by agigabyte

X as Lasagna Counter: 3

”You’re on a ship, in space” Counter: 14

Cain: Hello, everyone. It’s about that time again so I’ve been trying to work up the willpower to read more of this. I brought along Agent [CLASSIFIED] and Agent [REDACTED].

*Agent [REDACTED] mysteriously sips from a mug of Coffee and makes a humming noise*

*Agent [CLASSIFIED] waves calmly and mysteriously*

Cain: Now, I do believe that with the help of the two most senior members of the Agency, we’re ready for anything except a beach-

Garfield Effect: Galaxy Adventure Part 9 Beach Bash Bonanza!

Cain: Fucking knew it.

It was Thursday on the Normany and everyone was stressed and worried because of combat. Garfield was in his room with the ladies trying to lighten spirits.

“Come on ladies let us have some kinky times.” Said Garfield to the ladies.

Cain: I don’t know about you, but my kinks don’t include character blobs.

“I am not in the mod Garfield I am so worried about fighting collectors.” Said Miranda with refusal.

“I am so stressed out I can think so longer.” Said Tali shaking her head crying.

“This is nonsense you women can not take stress. Look at me I am strong I do not let weak collectors bother me.” Said Garfield pounding his chest. Garfield chastisement made the womens cry like babies n a shower.

*Agent [CLASSIFIED] makes several hand gestures then sips from a mug of Coffee and tilts her head mysteriously*

*Agent [REDACTED] sips his Coffee mysteriously and hums*

Cain: Tryhards. Well, anyway, let’s see what happens nex-

“.” Said all the ladies with crying eyes.

Cain: ………..I can’t even. Seriously. What the actual fuck is this?

*Agent [CLASSIFIED] shrugs mysteriously*

*Agent [REDACTED] sips his Coffee mysteriously*

*Agent [CLASSIFIED] signs something out mysteriously*

Agent [REDACTED]: Hmm. You could be onto something. Maybe that’s meant to represent a face?

*The alarm blares*

Cain: What?!

*DuFresne appears*

DuFresne: Look at the last two sentences.

Garfield chastisement made the womens cry like babies n a shower.

“.” Said all the ladies with crying eyes.

DuFresne: So… yeah. This is awkward, and I have more paperwork. See you later. *Disappears from the riff, which he is no longer in*

“Fine you ladies win. What we need is a vacation to liven up stress. Let us go to the beach!” declared Garfield with excitement.

“BEACH PARTY.” Yelled out everyone in joy.

“Joker head to Beach Planet

Cain: Beach Planet? That’s its actual name? Seriously?

right now for fun in the sun!” Ordered Garfield with vacation.

With Garfields orders the Normany zoomed through space for vacation getaway like seagulls flying for winter. When the Normany arrived on the Beach Planet, Garfield and crew got out for summer fun. Miranda and Tali were playing Jack and Samara in a game of beach volley ball while in skimpy bikinis.

Cain: Tali died. Again.

Garfield was at the bar drinking and shooting breezes with bartender ted.

“This is beach bum life.” said Garfield with relaxation as he sipped his Piña colada and listened to beach boys music on the stereo.

*Agent [REDACTED] sips his Coffee and hums mysteriously*

Agent [REDACTED]: I honestly have no idea why this is in bold. The fic was always just written like that.

Cain: Right. We’ll go with that.

“Garfield please put suntan lotion all over my body so I do not get sunburn.” Asked Kasumi with seduction.

“I will be right there sweet stacks.” Responded Garfield with love making ideas.

Garfield rubbed Kasumi all over with suntan lotion, stroking her firm body with his manly hands. Garfield took extra care on her special areas so they do not get sunburned.

Cain: Woah, there. This is a public beach, asshole.

“Thank you Garfield your strong hands take me to space beaches unknown.” Said Kasumi with dreaminess.

As Garfield returned to the bar for relaxation he saw a sexy female Hanar approach him with sassy walk.

*The three riffers sigh*

Cain: It was inevitable.

Caption: A Hanar, for reference. See what Cain means? Also, I’m pretty sure Hanar are Asexual, like Earth Jellyfish. -Monitor

Caption: A Hanar, for reference. See what Cain means? Also, I’m pretty sure Hanar are Asexual, like Earth Jellyfish. -Monitor

“Hello Garfield I saw the sexy massage you just gave. I am Hannah the Hanar and I want to get to know you better.”

Cain: Not at all necessary.

Said the Hanar with introduction.

“Let me get you a drink then I will show you all you want to learn.” Said Garfield with flirtations.

Agent [REDACTED]: Hmm. Which is worse? Garfield’s quipping or his flirting?

Cain: Both are equally as headache-inducing.

Elsewhere on the Island Garrus and Jacob were walking along the beach. They were wearing flower pattern shirts and shorts for beach comfort. Garrus was also wearing a straw hat.

*Garrus appears, wearing a straw hat*

Garrus: I would never be caught dead in such a ridiculous type of hat. …I’m wearing the straw hat, aren’t I?

*Both of the other Agents nod mysteriously and sip coffee*

*Garrus joins in, throwing his straw hat into the void and calibrating some coffee to turn it into Dextro-Coffee*

“What is that.” Said Garrus pointing to a mysterious object in the sand.

Garrus and Jacob went closer for personal inspection.

“It looks like Tikki idol.” Said Garrus to Jacob.

“We should keep it as souvenir.” Said Jacob with excitement.

Garrus: Not even surprised at this utter genre-blindness.

With their new souvenir Garrus and Jacob walked back to the bar to watch the girls play volleyball. Tali was jumping up to hit the ball with her hands when she slipped and fell, twisting her ankle and making her bathing suit fall off.

(Error. Correlation not found. -Monitor)

“What happened?” Cried out Garrus with worry.

“I fell with bad luck. Only bad luck could cause this fall.” Cried Tali with sadness.

Cain: Bad luck or contrived coincidence, you mean.

“This is my kind of bad luck.” Said Jacob looking at naked Tali.

“Oh you boys!” Cried out Tali in embarrassment.

“Oh yeah!” Said Garrus high fiving Jacob.

“Let me see that Tikki Idol.” Demanded Samara taking the Tikki idol.

“This Tikki idol is cursed.” Said Samara with superstition.

“Do not be crazy woman.” Laughed Garrus with mockery.

All four riffers: It’s cursed.

“That Tikki Idol will give bad luck to all.” Said Samara with warning.

“I do not believe you I am keeping it, it is mine.” Said Garrus with stubbornness.

Garrus: It’s cursed, you moron. …Dammit.

Meanwhile elsewhere on the Island Dr. Mordin Solus was preparing for a surf off with surfer Chad with Normany at stake.

“Ok frog man if I win the Normany is mine, if you win you are declared new king of the beach.” Declared Chad in challenging voice.

Cain: Mordin in no way has the authority to bet the Normandy.

“You are on! I will show you that scientists can be surfers too!” Roared Dr. Mordin Solus with determination.

*Agent [REDACTED sips his coffee and hums*

Agent [REDACTED]: Not sure who to root for. On the one hand, Chad’s a racist. On the other, Mordin’s a member of Garfield’s crew.

*Agent [CLASSIFIED] holds up a sign saying “Team Tsunami FTW!”*

*Garrus sips his coffee mysteriously*

Garrus: I’m perfectly fine with that.

Dr. Mordin Solus

Cain: Wait one moment. Does it refer to him as Dr. Mordin Solus every single time? *Checks* Looks like it.

and Chad went into water with surfboards with crowd watching. At first the surf off was close but Dr. Mordin Solus gained speed and began taking the win. The crowd began chanting “Dr. Mordin Solus! Dr. Mordin Solus!” for support. All was well until Garrus and Jacob showed up for watching. With suddenness Dr. Mordin Solus surfboard began rocking and he fell into water causing Chad to take the win.

“Haha losers I win Normany is mine.” Said Chad with arrogant voice.

“How could I lose it is not possible.” Said Dr. Mordin Solus with disbelief.

Cain: I keep telling you, it’s due to contrived coincidences.

“Could it be the Cursed Tikki idol?” asked Jacob with questions.

“Yes it is that cursed Tikki Idol. I felt mysterious force make me trip.”

*Garrus sips his coffee mysteriously*

Garrus: I’d make an “it’s the idol’s fault, not mine!” joke, but in this case it actually is.

Said Dr. Mordin Solus with rage.

Cain: What? Okay, he was angry that one time in ME3, but he cooled down to a point of simmering anger pretty quickly. Plus, it was over a lot more than losing a surfing match.

*Agent [CLASSIFIED] signs something mysteriously*

*Agent [REDACTED] sips his coffee mysteriously and hums*

Agent [REDACTED]: While you’re right that he could be angry about losing the Normandy, rather than the surfing match, that bet makes so little sense I just don’t think it counts.

Garfield was still at the bar chatting with the sexy Hanar lady when he saw all the arguing.

“Excuse me my swimming sweetheart but I have business.” Said Garfield excusing himself.

“Be back soon buttercups.” Said Hannah the Hanar with adoration.

Cain: Probably calls them/her that every time, too.

Garfield strutted over like ambassador ready to solve disputed with iron fist.

“What is this squabbles?” demanded Garfield with leadership.

“Normany is mine it was lost in surf off hand it over!” Yelled Chad with snoot.

“I lost because of Cursed Tikki Idol it is not fair!” Said Dr. Mordin Solus with protest.

“Enough of this. That idol must be returned to native for culture.” Said Garfield with respect.

*The four riffers snerk*

“We will go into jungle to return idol to natives.” Said Jacob and Garrus together with unison.

Cain and Cain: Speaking in unison.


“Yes I will have a rematch with Chad for Normany. No curse can touch my surf skills.” Said Garfield with athleticism.

“You are on Garfield. I will show all ladies who is real man.” Said Chad with haughty laugh.

“I will spank you like a boy in summer school.” Said Garfield with discipline.

*Garrus pulls his Sniper rifle out of the void and aims it at Garfield*

Cain: Woah, there, Garfield. You don’t want to do that. Trust me. It won’t end well for you.

Garfield and Chad headed into the water with their surfboards to begin their surf off. Meanwhile Garrus and Jacob ran into the jungle to search for the natives to return the Cursed Tikki Idol.

“Where is the natives.” Asked Jacob with frustration.

“Over there.” Pointed Garrus pointing at the natives.

Cain: That was… ridiculously easy.

Garrus and Jacob rushed to the natives to return the cursed Tikki Idol to its rightful owners.

“Please accept this Cursed Tikki Idol for cultural exchange.” Said Jacob with respect for all cultures.

“Every person is like rainbow different and special.” Said Garrus with important message.

The Native chieftain took the Cursed Tikki Idol and looked at it.

“This Cursed Tikki Idol is Cursed. It was made by the reapers.” Said the Chieftain with worry.

“What?” Said Garrus and Jacob at once.

“We must perform ritual dance to uncurse it. ” Said Chieftain.

Cain: Hooray for Stereotyping?

Garrus and Jacob began dancing around the Idol while the Chieftain chanted words for magic.

*Agent [REDACTED] sips his coffee mysteriously and hums*

Agent [REDACTED]: So they all know this dance because… blue?

Cain: To be fair, it didn’t specify what the dance they were doing was. They could be doing classical neo-rap accompaniment.

Meanwhile back at the Surf off Garfield was showing off his moves doing one handed and one legged surfing. Chad looked on with jealousy and Garfield whizzed past him. Garfield all of sudden felt his surf board wobble. Garfield began struggle on his board and Chad began to pass him.

“Haha Garfield soon I will be galaxy surfing champ!” Mocked Chad with interspace mockery.

*DuFresne teleports in, sighs, then teleports out*

Cain: You know, he is one of my favorite people, because now we don’t have to fight off the cultists that often.

Seeing Chad pass him, Garfield calmly took out his Desert Eagle and shot Chad in the kneecaps making him fall off his surfboard.

Cain: Isn’t that cheating?

Goddess: There weren’t any rules technically laid out.

*The four Prime Colonials spin to face Goddess, ready for combat*

Goddess: Just thought I’d stop in, and do this.

*Throws a pie at Cain, and hits him*

*The Pie disappears*

Cain: Your immaturity really knows no bounds.

Goddess: Just now noticing? Well, love, I gotta go.

*Goddess disappears*

Cain *Muttering*: Bitch.

“Arrrrrggh” Screamed Chad in losing despair.

“Looks like I got a leg up.” Said Garfield with cool style as he surfed to victory to adoring crowds. Everyone chanted Garfields name in joy and women threw their clothes at him.

Cain: Because it wouldn’t be fucking Garfield Effect without women wanting to fuck Garfield.

Meanwhile Garrus and Jacob were finishing the ceremonies to uncurse Tikki Idols.

“There now ceremony is complete and curse is lifted.” Said the Native Chieftain with relief.

“Now we can return to Garfield with good news.” Said Garrus to Jacob. Garrus and Jacob then left to return to Garfield with news of curse removal. When arriving they saw Garfield celebrating his surfing victory one arm holding his trophy the other around his new Hanar lady friend. In the water Chad was being eaten by space sharks.

*Agent [REDACTED] hums mysteriously and sips his Coffee*

Agent [REDACTED]: Perhaps Barty could use some friends. I’ll talk with Koori about it.

“Garfield I see no curses can stop your surfing skills.” Said Garrus with admiration.

Garrus: Okay, GE!Me. Just admit that you’re in love with the anthropomorphic cat. I have no idea why you would be, but you are.

“Yes I won by a foot.” Said Garfield with clever wit.

*Agent [CLASSIFIED] mimes laughing, in a mysterious manner, before miming a beatdown of Garfield*

“We too have good news we returned the Cursed Tikki Idol. All is well.” Said Jacob with happiness.

“That is very good let us have luau tonight for party celebration!” Declared Garfield with party spirit.


Cain: That’s a very sarcastic “yay” and I approve.

*Cain hands over a redemption cookie*

Chanted everyone with jumping up and down.

*The redemption cookie disappeared*

Cain: The next two words. That’s got to be record. Not that I’m surprised, given this fic and it’s utter fucking stupidity.

That night Garfield and crew celebrated the night dancing the hula and eating roast pork. Garfield sat by a bon fire while he serenaded the ladies with his Ukulele. After a night of beach partying Garfield and crew returned to the Normany refreshed.

Garrus: One day, SH won’t misspell Normandy in this fic.

Cain: Doubtful. It’s fucking Garfield Effect.

“I feel like new man.” Garfield said to himself as he walked into the Captains Quarters muscular and tan. On entering he saw special visitor. It was Hannah the Hanar!

“Garfield you did not think you could get away without saying goodbye.” Said Hannah the Hanar with seductive voice.

“I am sorry. But now that we are alone I will make you say goodbye to pants

and hello to ecstasy.” Whispered Garfield in tone of seductive dove.

Garrus: That line would’ve- one moment.

*Garrus sips his coffee mysteriously*

Garrus: That line would’ve been better if either of them actually had pants on in the first place.

“Come here fly boy.” Said Hannah the Hanar with alluring tentacle.

Garfield grasped Hannah the Hanar with his masculine arms and held her to him. Hannah looked at Garfield with love in the eyes and caressed him with her tentacles with deep caress. Garfield licked her body all over in places she never knew and gave her extreme pleasure of Garfield variety. Hannahs tentacles explored Garfield tone body like a car on the moon leaving no rock unturned. Body pressing eachother like stacked pancakes, Garfield and Hannah rocked the cosmos until morning dawn.

To be continued…..

Cain: Are these descriptions of how energetic their sex is getting more ridiculous as they go on?

Garrus: Looks like it.

Cain: Thought so. Well, I guess we’ll see you guys next time. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go shoot things.


13 Comments on “1495: Garfield Effect: Galaxy Adventure – Chapter Nine”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    <blockquote.Joker head to Beach Planet

    How does that work, exactly? A beach is kind of a transitional area, after all, if you had nothing but beach you would have a desert.

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    *Agent [REDACTED sips his coffee and hums*

    Agent [REDACTED]: Not sure who to root for. On the one hand, Chad’s a racist. On the other, Mordin’s a member of Garfield’s crew.

    *Agent [CLASSIFIED] holds up a sign saying “Team Tsunami FTW!”*

    *AdmiralSakai begins handing out “Team Nuke The Site From Orbit” T-Shirts.

  3. AdmiralSakai says:

    That idol must be returned to native for culture.”

    One of the locals was growing bacteria on it?

  4. AdmiralSakai says:

    “Arrrrrggh” Screamed Chad in losing despair.

    That, and you just shot him through the kneecaps, meaning that he won’t be able to swim very effectively and will probably drown.

  5. AdmiralSakai says:

    Garrus: Okay, GE!Me. Just admit that you’re in love with the anthropomorphic cat. I have no idea why you would be, but you are.

    Still better than all that hybrid business…

  6. Koori says:

    *Agent [REDACTED] hums mysteriously and sips his Coffee*

    Agent [REDACTED]: Perhaps Barty could use some friends. I’ll talk with Koori about it.

    Space Sharks, huh. *rubs her chin* I don’t know if we have the proper set up for them to visit Barty’s tank. I’ll talk to Crunchy about installing… something… I’m sure he and Bifocals can figure it out. Sure, why not. *pulls out her cellphone and sends Crunchy a text*

  7. Swenia says:

    Come on ladies

    How about no.

  8. "Lyle" says:

    “I will spank you like a boy in summer school.” Said Garfield with discipline.


  9. "Lyle" says:

    Cain: Because it wouldn’t be fucking Garfield Effect without women wanting to fuck Garfield.

    Women… or insectoidal creatures…. or amorphous blue blobs shaped vaguely like a dinosaur on a stick….

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