1494: The Wacky, Wonderful Adventurers of Canon-Blending! – Chapters One to Five

Title: element
Author: sephchipmunk
Media: Video Game
Topic: Spyro the Dragon
Genre: None listed?
URL: element
Critiqued by SC and the Salthorne brothers

*Auren Pharis and Lance Ederlein Salthorne both sit quietly in the riffing chamber; Lance has his feet up on SC’s desk, while Auren manipulates elemental magic so that a pair of wind gusts balance his chair on its back legs, allowing him to recline*

Auren: …Pretty warm in here. Doesn’t he ever use that fan?

Lance: Probably not.

Auren: Makes me wonder how he stays alive when the temperature kicks up.

Lance: He’ll be bringing a drink with him when he comes in.

*SC wanders in*

I don’t regret grabbing this smoothie at a-

Auren: Oh hey, you were right!

FUCK!

*SC throws his smoothie in fright; it comes back down on his head, and he gets a thorough coating of blue stuff*

God damn it, you assholes weren’t supposed to be here for another fifteen minutes!

Lance: We wanted to get here early.

And you fucking ruined my smoothie…

Auren: Actually, that was all you. It’s okay, though, we’ll spring for another one after we’re done with the riff.

*incoherent grumbling*

~ONE ANGRY SHOWER LATER~

Hello, and welcome back to the Library of the Damned! I’m your host, SC, and while this week WOULD have been the next part of LAFS chapter thirteen, I happened to find something that has successfully diverted my attention (probably on the grounds of not being as boring, predictable, or annoying as The Adventures of A Dipshit Named Alex).

This fic is called “element,” by author sephchipmunk, and it’s a 6,000+ word onesho-

…Uh, hang on, my bad.

No, this is a very short, but otherwise completed Spyro the Dragon fic with multiple chapters. I almost called it a oneshot, because the author CRAMMED THE WHOLE STORY IN A SINGLE CHAPTER. No, I’m not exaggerating. You’ll see what I mean in a bit.

But first, as I’m sure you guys saw that I said “Spyro the Dragon,” which is a canon I’ve never touched before – Infodump time!

Spyro the Dragon is a series of platformer videogames spanning ten titles (seven original titles and a remake trilogy) from 1998-2008 for Gameboy Advance, GameCube, Nintendo DS, PlayStation, PlayStation 2, PlayStation 3, Wii, the original XBox, and Xbox 360. It has an ongoing spinoff series called Skylanders. The games were developed by (fuck me, that’s a long list) –

*deep breath*

– Insomniac Games, Digital Eclipse, Exquinoxe Digital Entertainment, Check Six, Vicarious Visions, Eurocom, Amaze Entertainment, Krome Studios and Étranges Libellules, and was published by (oh Jesus Christ, not again) –

*another deep breath*

– Sony Computer Entertainment, Universal Interactive Studios, Konami (back when they didn’t suck), Vivendi Universal Games and Vivendi Games, Sierra Entertainment (who have a hilariously extensive reputation for making bad, bullshit-hard and stupid interactive adventure games), and Activision.

As you can see, Spyro was a rather popular IP in the late ’90s, early 2000’s era of gaming.

Now, each Spyro game has its own plot. I honestly can’t cover all of them with a blanket summary. Thankfully, this fic appears to be situated in the Legend of Spyro trilogy, which DOES have something of an overarching plot, so that helps. I’m just gonna go through it real quick because this is actually kind of a long riff this week.

The Legend of Spyro trilogy takes place in a world where dragons are a populous, sentient race, and usually involves Spyro-

O hai, Spyro!

O hai, Spyro!

-undertaking some quest or another to stop the villainous machinations of the Dark Lord Sauron Malefor.

O hai, Malefor!

O hai, Malefor!

There’s also a subplot involving a once-evil, now-love-interest she-dragon named Cynder trying to integrate into dragon society, figure out what her destiny is, and come to terms with her feelings for Spyro.

O hai, Cynder!

O hai, Cynder!

Auren: Huh, you were right about him inviting us to a riff about dragons, too.

Lance: You know better than anyone what my powers are, and you have the gall to sound surprised when my predictions come true?

…Well, yes, I invited you because you guys have prior experience with dragons and it’s a fic about dragons. For anybody who wasn’t around when I first riffed with these two, Lance is a world-renowned dragon slayer, and Auren was a mercenary who fought alongside him during a terrible dragon-human war that broke out in their homeland.

Now then, let’s get to this riff. Like I said, it’s a long one. You guys want to hear the fic summary?

Lance: “read it not a darn summary.”

_20160801_032052

New rule: you’re not allowed to do that when I’m trying to set up a joke.

Lance: Hey, I don’t control when the visions come, they just do. Not my fault that they like to screw over your jokes.

Yes it is your fault! You don’t have to say them out loud!

Lance: Well, you’ve got me there. I might enjoy pissing you off ever so slightly.

I’d shoot your ass if you didn’t see it coming…

This was waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaay back in 09 for young author when I was under the control of those the bastards cps in Chicago

Always a good sign of things to come, when the author immediately opens their fic on an author’s note slamming Child Protective Services for whatever reason.

I also added a list of characters from all the Spyro games to tell people who everyone is and kind of where they come from.

Or, you could let us find out for ourselves? I much prefer that idea.

My mom showed me how to crop photos in Picasa and to insert captions which are the labels for some of the pictures.

…Who wants to break it to him that fanfiction.net doesn’t do in-fic images?

Auren and Lance: You do it.

Aw, fuck you guys.

This story took a long time to write because at first it was too long

It was a whole seven thousand words!

Auren: Man, nobody could read that many!

many of my friends thought to many things happened in it so I guess you can call this a condensed version.

I’m betting “condensed” means that he just took out a great deal of the world and story-building elements to skip straight to the action. You know, like Stone-Man85!

Lance: Stone-Man85 is going to become your EclipsePheniox, isn’t he?

He already is.

I want to get it in into video game format and then add some new characters, I hope you enjoy this story.

…You.

Want to make.

This fic.

Into a new Spyro game.

Will-Ferrell-Confused-Stare

I do believe someone has been seriously misinformed of what it takes to even get into the dev team for a game series like Spyro, let alone their story crew. Here’s a hint: THIS FIC WOULD BE LAUGHED AT.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Chapter 1 The Meteor Shower ……. 6

Chapter 2 Earthia The Green Planet Council……..8

Chapter 3 The Adepts…11

Chapter 4 Artisan Town Elabria …..13

Chapter 5 Meeting of the Minds….…..14

Chapter 6 Journey to Elder Garden….….15

Chapter 7 Defensive Strategies….…17

Chapter 8 Battle of the Elements…..……19

Chapter 9 Reunions and Heroes…..….21

Oh my God, he’s trying to format this fic like an actual book.

Auren: That’s not how it works, is it?

Not even remotely. You upload new chapters in separate files via a document manager that you can then edit before tacking on to the already-ongoing story. It’s a bit complicated, yes, but it’s a system that works, damn it!

Auren: Anybody else reminded of that author who was under the assumption that written word was like film production?

Yes, actually, that’s exactly what’s coming to mind for me.

LIST OF CHARACTERS AND OTHER EXPLANATIONS

Okay, other than the author’s two OCs, the rest of these characters are all canon to the series as far as I know, and I’m not gonna subject you guys to his list of badly summarized characters.

However, I’m afraid you have to suffer the OCs like I do.

Lance: Well, that’s rude.

Zinc and Zuke – twins, the children of Spyro and Cynder OC

You named one of your kids after an element on the periodic table?

Auren And I thought I had a weird name.

Lance: You have a weird name. Zinc has a scientific name.

Auren: There’s a difference?

There’s at least two people who I know for certain are gonna come and kick your ass for that.

Chapter 1

Meteors fell all the time in The Dragon Realms. At least once a week at night the sky would be completely empty of stars the deepest dark blue. On these nights meteors would shower the land.

So first, we have a redundancy – we’ll deal with that in a moment – and then we have an issue with what color the sky would be without starlight. Here’s a hint: if there’s also no moonlight, then NOT BLUE. Oh, and there’s also the issue of the fact that the stars wink out once a week and meteors go fucking ballistic when it happens, but I don’t have nearly the kind of knowledge of astrological physics to understand just what level of travesty that would be, so I’ll just ignore that. Plus, it might be an in-game thing. I guess Spyro’s world is just kinda like how warps work in Warhammer 40K.

…Okay, you can go off now.

*You have no idea how jittery I get when I have to hold it in.*

Lance: They’re gonna fall through the floor.

*Outside the riffing chamber, the muffled sounds of the floor breaking, screaming, and a horrible, buttery demise fills the hall*

Oh riiight, I forgot, the ninjas were bugging me about the floorboards getting worn down in that spot. Didn’t I tell Bifocals to fix that?

[And she did. With particle board, because she hates doing floor repair. Quite frankly, I’m amazed the DRD were the only ones who fell through. -Book Specs]

Spyro and Cynder had just gone to sleep after saying good night to Sparx.

O hai, Sparx!

O hai, Sparx!

Sparx is Spyro’s adoptive brother (no, really), and the player’s general purpose game element. He’s sort of like Spyro’s response to Zelda’s Navi, if you will – one part hint system, one part aiming reticle, one part targeting system for characters/items of importance… you know, stuff. (But having never played a Spyro game in my life, I’m not sure about that hint system one.)

Zuke and Zinc were fast asleep. They had run around all day. They were twins and never away from each other and always in trouble. It was like they were attached but they were not they just liked being together all the time. They sometimes would think the exact same thing, like when they were hungry they would both think of the same food to eat. They created new games to play every day, but often were scolded for various tricks they were play on other dragons and on Sparx, their father’s closest friend. So on this day they were very tired and even their eyes had closed at the exact same time.

I think this is my first fic where I’ve had to put up with daybooking and nothing-narrative in the same paragraph.

Zuke and Zinc woke up when their whole house shook!

Okay, settle down, author, there’s no need to shout.

When they ran out of their room everyone was up and gazing out the front door. One of the meteors crashed on their front lawn!

Does this guy play Fantasy Life, too? Because that sounds pretty close to what happens early on in that game – of course, it’s a Doomstone, and it fucks up your landlady’s roof, but still.

The entire family was speechless. Their eyes wide with wonder and surprise because the meteor started to crack open. There was something or someone inside it trying to step out but the meteor was on fire!

Lance: “Wait, uh, how do I turn the fire barrier off again? Which button? No, that’s the muffin button…”

Without any fear the twins ran out

Auren: Oh hey, why are we here?

at the same time of course

Lance: …Well, of course.

and began flapping their little wings,

Auren: Oh, nevermind, not us.

If it was you, those dragons would all be dead.

Lance: That’s not true. We have friends who are dragons and don’t act like dicks about it.

Auren: One even invited us for tea next week! And she’s a water-fire hybrid dragon, so she makes REALLY GOOD tea.

Huh. The things you learn.

but they could not put out the flames because their wings just weren’t long enough.

tumblr_inline_mgjwwugHJz1roqm64

Spyro and Cynder and even Sparks (Spyro’s close friend)

You have a list of character bios prefacing your story, you don’t need to tell us again that Sparx is Spyro’s friend.

joined the twins and all were flapping eagerly!

4e1659624581c1687ee9f2aa570a98eaae99fe6130f311b68a3cad1da8823398

Soon there were clouds of smoke because the flames were going out. They could all hear hissing because large rock that had just fallen from the sky was cooling. When meteors crash through a planet’s atmosphere they are going so fast that they get really hot and sometimes start on fire like this huge rock.

That would be because the meteor went from traveling through a vacuum with no air to suddenly getting sucked into a gravitational pull and traveling through all kinds of air really, really fast, which causes that air to compress and push back against the meteor as a reactionary response (thank you, Newton). This causes what’s known as friction, which causes heat, which causes the meteor to burst into flames up to several thousand degrees whilst coming in for landing. Which, by the way, I’m willing to grant that maybe being dragons makes them impervious to heat to a certain point, so maybe they can stand being right in front of a few thousand degrees of sheer, ungodly inferno, but those tiny little wings ain’t gonna cool down shit, even if they put the fire out somehow.

Shockingly enough, sephchipmunk, most of us here actually know basic science. Even me, and I’m bad at it.

The creature was finally able to climb out but fell over and curled up. The family of dragons stood looking intensely at the creature for what seemed like a very long time, but they all worked together to bring the creature into their home.

Lance: But secretly, they really did stand there for a very long time.

The dragon home was large. Well, the dragons were not huge but had large furniture.

Auren: Hey, there ain’t nothing wrong with luxurious living.

I mean, if you wanna have huge, cushy couches, then who am I to tell you no?

They found a comfortable place to lay this strange but beautiful creature.

I’ll decide for myself how strange or beautiful it is, author.

They all stared and waited. Zinc and Zuke kept gulping and giving each other questioning looks.

Auren: That’s a good way to dry your throat out.

Put a kink in your neck, too, turning your head constantly to look at your bro like that.

They were young and had never seen any other creatures than dragons and of course Sparks who lived with them, but some how their father the famous Spyro knew who and what she was once he could really see her away from the smoke. He looked at Cynder with a serious but worried face. Then quietly Spyro motioned fall everyone to follow him into another room.

…You, uh… you gonna share with the class, Spyro?

They did not return to sleep but waited patiently for her to wake up. Even the twins were silent and not moving. It seemed like hours were passing and nothing was happening. They knew she was not dead because they could see her slow breaths moving her chest up and down. The family moved away from her into another room and Spyro began telling his children about her. The twins gazed at their father with questions in their eyes, but waited in silence for him to begin.

O…kaaay, you can spill the beans anytime you-

Chapter 2

Oh, fuck off! You’re gonna wait until a whole other chapter to reveal what the new guy is?!

Her name was Earthia. Earthia is the leader of the Green Planet council.

Lance: There, whiner, you happy now?

No!

Lance: I knew you were gonna say that…

Spyro slowly told them the story of what he had heard about Earthia, how her planet along with many others was destroyed by the Metarex.

*Spyro* “Heeeeeeeeer plaaaaaaaaneeeeeeeet waaaaaaaas-”

*Zuke* “God damn it, hurry up! We only have one life, dad!”

Oh, by the way, Earthia is a character from Sonic X, which finally answers the question of what this fic is a crossover of. My bad on that, I assumed she was Spyro canon.

O hai... Earthia?

O hai… Earthia?

If you want to know what Sonic X is… uh. I’ll leave that to you to look up. It’s Sonic the Hedgehog, so your guess is as good as mine on that one. Sonic the Hedgehog has done many things, and making sense was never one. Although, Sonic X did used to air on Jetix for a while, and I caught parts of some episodes here and there. Had a really dumb themesong, if I recall correctly, and that’s even for my ten-year-old self.

Auren: “Earthia.” Ain’t that a name.

As someone who takes pride in coming up with unique names for characters, this one makes me sad. And it’s all Sonic X’s fault.

He explained, “The Metarex is an army of cyborgs.”

…Bifocals?

*Bifocals, sitting at the very back of the riffing chamber, rummages through some papers, then apparently finds what she’s looking for*

hqdefault

Confirmed!

The twins looked at each other and then and their father, they had no idea was a cyborg was and of course wanted to know, but they kept very quiet hoping their father would say.

Auren: That’s a fine way to never hear the truth.

Spyro continued, “A cyborg is a fierce creature and very hard to fight. They are both human and machine and usually created to destroy others.”

That's not entirely true...

That’s not entirely true…

The twins remained puzzled but sat staring at their father. He added, “They are robots, built and used by someone who needs something stronger than themselves to destroy and conquer.”

Once again, Revengeance defies you on that. Some of them just wanna have a good, old-fashioned Samurai showdown.

You know, like Sam! (The guy with the red sword.)

You know, like Sam! (The guy with the red sword.)

Spyro paused and thought out loud but was staring off, “what could they want with The Dragon Realms?”

I dunno, maybe the dragons? You guys probably don’t realize this, but dragon blood is pretty fucking powerful stuff. Put that in a cyborg, you’re gonna have a rough day.

After a few moments of silence they were all startled when they heard a noise behind them. Earthia was awake! She stood their in front of them looking tired and a little frightened.

Auren: But then again, crashing into the ground in a meteor would do that to anybody.

Lance: Not the most comfortable ride, no.

“I have come to warn you!” she stated. “I do not have much time!” She paused and then said, “And neither do you.”

Well, that’s not ominous or anything.

There was no expression in her face but then she grabbed her side, but as Cynder went to help her, Earthia raised her hand for her to stop. She stood upright and seemed to take a big breath. Zuke and Zinc hid behind their father. They thought about Earthia at the same. She was very strange looking but there was kind of pretty too. Earthia had blue eyes the color of sapphires.

You know, kids, I know you’re young, but now’s really not the best time to be getting hit by puppy love.

…Dragon love.

…Whelp love?

*Monocle screams in rage out in the hall*

Okay, maybe not that last one.

Looking directly at Spyro she said continued, “The Metarex has joined forces with dark and cold creatures.” “I have only recently heard them to be called, the Heartless, also wanting to destroy and conquer the entire The Dragon Realms Planet!

Yare+yare+daze+i+made+this+meme+cause+couldn+t+find_03f40b_5899810mobile

Unfortunately, I’m much more in the know about the canon the Heartless come from. It’s one I rather enjoy, for how difficult the plot is to follow at times.

Pictured here: a very generic Heartless enemy.

Pictured here: a very generic Heartless enemy.

The Heartless are a mainstay enemy from the game series Kingdom Hearts, save for Dream Drop Distance, wherein they get replaced by Dream Eaters. You know, Kingdom Hearts? The series that made this song popular for a while?

It’s a good song, bros.

Anyhow, Heartless. They are literally creatures born of darkness in people’s hearts, hence the name. The Heartless come in two varieties: Pureblood, wherein a person’s heart is naturally consumed by darkness and becomes a Heartless, and Emblem, which are stolen hearts artificially transformed into Heartless. Why would anybody do that? Well, because the enemies in Kingdom Hearts are a bunch of dicks.

I’ll just get back to the riff, now. If I allow myself to go much further into Kingdom Hearts, it’s gonna wind up being a me-style infodump, and it’ll never end. Hate to deprive people, but this riff is already looking pretty long as is.

You see dragons are fierce fighters but only for good, it is believed you would never join in so you are targeted for destruction.

So, wait, the combined forces of the assholes from Kingdom Hearts – who are STILL trying to turn Sora and Riku to the dark side, even though Sora has never wavered once and Riku’s taken on a “been there, done that” mentality towards the matter – and these cyborgs, who should, logically speaking, not accept a failure state in their mission objectives, aren’t feeling too hot about the possibility of turning dragons? Who are these pansy pretenders, and where do they get off taking the names of more dedicated villains?

The plan is to bring ice to your fiery planet to destroy all dragons!”

Okay, but, counterpoint: Ice dragons.

Auren: Ooh.

Lance: Someone didn’t think too far ahead in their evil scheming.

Earthia was panting now as he was exhausted.

I didn’t realize it was possible to genderbend a plant person.

Auren: What, you’ve never seen a male dryad?

Their very name discourages such a notion.

“I do not know where the Heartless come from but I believe at one time they were innocent creatures transformed to do the bidding of the Subspace Emissary who wants control.”

Sub…

Subspace.

Emissary.

…My God, what have I unleashed on this Library?

Lance: Something wrong?

Many things.

So… Subspace Emissary is from Smash Bros. You might recall that Herr hasn’t had a good experience with fics from that side of fanfiction.net as of late.

Well, Subspace Emissary, specifically, comes from Smash Bros. Brawl. It’s a gameplay mode wherein the objective is to stop the assimilation of… well, everything, into Subspace, and defeat the Subspace Army and their leader, Tabuu.

So, you know, there’s that.

Auren: Hey L, did you foresee this fic getting this strange at all?

Lance: For once, I can honestly say that I didn’t.

Terrific. The one time your powers could save my ass, and they won’t even give you a head’s up…

As Earthia continued to speak she appeared weaker and weaker. “The life force of the innocent seems to get sucked out and their hearts disappear. Then they are like puppets. Now, please I ask you to take me outside so that I may try to re-energize so that I may be of help when you absolutely need it.”

You know, photosynthesis, and all that.

With that she collapsed. The dragons rushed to her and carried to their yard. Spyro indicated a spot in the yard that was separated by a ring of fire.

Lance: Well, that’s convenient.

There were other objected there.

phoenix_wright__objection_by_unluckyxbladexxiii

They raised Earthia over their heads until they were through the ring of fire and laid her on the ground. This was surely a place of protection. The ring of fire around this ground would protect her from any enemies not from The Dragon Realms.

She’s a FUCKING PLANT. She’s gonna burn up like the Great Deku Tree!

Mistakes were made.

Mistakes were made.

Just as the Spyro family crossed back over they looked back and saw that Earthia was changing. She almost sunk into the ground. Then she grew taller her skin changed to a deep brown and branches broke free and started burrowing into the ground. She was planting her self. As she grew taller her arms turned into solid brown branches. Her beautiful face melted into the trunk, but not completely. The dragons could still make out the outline of her face which seemed to be carved into the trunk. Earthia’s beautiful light blue hair changed last and transformed into leaves of every color.

…That is one whacked-out tree.

Spyro smiled, this was Earthia’s true form a tree of enormous life force. She would certainly reenergize in this form. Only creatures from The Dragon Realms with good hearts would be able to cross the ring of fire.

Lance: You sound so certain.

Every dragon family in The Dragon Realms had a ring of fire outside their home where they could protect personal treasures if the family travelled or just need to store important items. It seemed the safest place for Earthia.

So you stuffed her in the dragon equivalent of a closet?! Bro, I do that to Monocle to keep the cops off my street!

Auren: And I’m sure he really appreciates it, too.

Oh no, he fucking hates me. He just doesn’t try anything because he knows I can blow his head off without a second thought.

Spyro noticed the silence as his family was stared in awe at this creature in their safe place. She bloomed into an awesome tree with colorful leaves.

*Alarms Blare*

Oh, for fuck’s sake.

*SC tears off his regular clothing, revealing a bodysuit which looks suspiciously designed for E.V.A. combat*

Back in a jiffy, peeps.

It was awful nice of Bifocals to lend me that mech. Too bad it got all shot up, thou-

Bifocals: Fixed!

Oh, well, nevermind.

The family was jolted out of the silence by another loud boom. They had not realized that meteors were falling again and rushed into their home.

Auren: How do you forget there’s a meteor shower going on?

Spyro and Cynder needed to discuss this situation with urgency, but there was another huge crash right outside the house! Spyro opened the front door and saw that four young humans had just appeared.

*Human* “WHERE THE FUCK ARE WE?!”

It seemed like that had just landed create a cloud of earth and fire where they stood on alert. Spyro was ready to attack when Issac stepped forward.

Issac?

ZACK!!!

Chapter 3

Adepts are incredible human beings with special abilities. There are 4 types of Adepts. Venus Adepts have the ability to manipulate the earth and plants. Mars Adepts have the ability to direct fire, heat and lava. Jupiter Adepts have the ability to be in command of wind and thunder/lightning. Mercury Adepts have the ability to have power over water and ice.

Whoa, okay, damn! Slow the fuck down! It’s obvious that we’re throwing another canon in here, could you let me tell the audience about it first?

Sheesh.

I’m gonna go out on a limb, given that I’ve seen this explained (jokingly, of course) in an Awkward Zombie comic before, that this canon is Golden Sun. Which I don’t know shit about, because I’ve never played any of their games.

Well, I’ll see if I can’t paraphrase it from the wiki.

Adepts in Golden Sun are basically wizards, I guess? They can control Psynergy, which I assume is more or less magic in their world, and if they happen to be buddies with a Djinn, that can affect the Psynergies they have under their control. The Psynergies are broken up into four elemental classifications, which are the four basic elements (Earth, Wind, Water, Fire), and as the author kindly noted, they are governed by the planets Jupiter, Mars, Venus and Mercury.

Feel free to beat me over the head if I got anything wrong.

Auren: Hang on, gotta write this shit down for posterity.

Why?

Lance: In case you’ve forgotten, we use elemental magic. This might be rather important to us, one would think.

Oh, right, that.

“I am Issac from Weyward!” “We have come to help you!”

Oi! Who’s talking? I’d better get a name right quick!

Spyro relaxed and allowed him entry.

Auren: Just like that, huh?

It’s amazing Spyro isn’t dead yet.

He had heard of Weyward before and decided to give Issac a chance to speak even though he was a human.

BUUUUULL-SHIIIIIT!

Issac continued, “Weyard is a massive earth-like environment with several major continents and many oceans.”

The author once again demonstrates that they did, in fact graduate second grade. And we’re so proud of them, aren’t we?

Most humans cannot tolerate the heat generated in The Dragon Realm so Spyro was fascinated and wanted to hear more before scorching this human.

Auren: That seems a tad vindictive.

Only slightly.

Issac continued after relaxing himself. “We have been chosen to come to your aid!

Lance: So much for relaxing himself.

Earlier today I intercepted a message about Earthia escaping near death so she could come warn you.

“Intercepted a message?” The fuck are you, Weyward CIA?

Our own leaders have gone into hiding because of the devastating destruction the Heartless created as they swept across Weyward not long ago.

Well, if you stupid shitbags had bothered trying to train up a few Keyblade Wielders, you might have avoided this issue.

We have been searching for a way to destroy them but have not been successful yet.

Oh look, a solution.

Oh look, a solution.

Each place they attack they use different forces, they seem to be able to read the life force of each planet and then strike with weapons that specifically take out that life force.

OH LOOK, A FUCKING SOLUTION.

OH LOOK, A FUCKING SOLUTION.

This isn’t that hard, people.

Actually, you two might make pretty decent Keyblade Wiel-

Auren and Lance: Pass.

Yeah, that’s probably for the best…

Spyro was listening very seriously. He was hearing every word and momentarily drifted into thinking about what could cause the most damage to The Dragon Realm.

I dunno, Bahamut ZERO?

I’d have said Sephiroth, since he has a significantly more apocalyptic attack, but his ass keeps getting kicked, so crazy-pissed dragon god it is.

Issac continued talking, “Earthia had been visiting a small sub planet the Green Council rules. The life force there feeds the earth giving life to all kinds of plant-like creatures. It was a beautiful place. The plants were suffocated with a toxic kind of smoke putting them to sleep; some of the creature then woke up but were shadows of what they were. They began to pour a liquid poison into the ground that eventually penetrated and reached the planet’s life force and all above ground withered and turned brown.

They got reverse-terraformed, then?

Auren: Harsh.

When Earthia escaped I caught her broadcast.

Seeings as I know nothing about the level of technological advance in Golden Sun, I’ll… tentatively let this one slide.

Because of the atmosphere protecting your home right now, we came in a blast so I am sorry if our boom startled you.

“Startled?” Bitch, you almost took out their house!

I am a Venus Adept and able to manipulate earth and plants.” Issac took a breath, “This is Mia, she is a Mercury Adept and able to manipulate water and ice. Mia is also a healer. And Garret, he is a Mars Adept and able to manipulate fire. Ivan is a Jupiter Adept and able to control the air.

You already explained what Adepts are, author. We’re not goldfish. We can REMEMBER THINGS, shockingly enough.

Our leaders chose the four of us to come to The Dragon Realm to help if needed.

“If needed.”

Lance: “Ah, they’ll probably be okay without us. Buuut, just in case…”

“Where is Earthia?”

Spyro motioned for Issac to follow him outside. Issac gasped! He beheld Earthia with shock. He had never heard she was actually a tree, an incredibly beautiful tree. Issac nodded with the understanding that Earthia was reenergizing. It might be several days before he could speak with her about what happened to her world.

Auren: Well shit, hope your mission’s not too terribly urgent, you’re gonna be here a while.

Chapter 4

An Artisan Town – Elabria

Once beautiful village, Elabria was home to the most artistic dragons in The Dragon Realm. Art produced by the dragons that lived there were the most magnificent ever seen and dragons throughout the Realm would come to buy.

Artisan markets are rather fun places, I won’t deny that.

Lance: There was one town Auren and I visited that valued artisan craftsmanship so much, the popular joke was that it was hand-built by it. I suppose, to a degree, it really was.

That tends to be the way of popular places, yeah.

Some dragons would pay a lot of money to send their children there for artist school because if you were really good they would make a lot of money when they grew up.

*snerk* “Artist school?” Yeah, that sounds like a reputable joint.

Auren: Shit, guys, I’m late for my third period Artifying class.

Lance: Oooh, you’re getting an F now, boy.

There were always lots of parties in this town and dragons were very busy too.

Very busy.

Lots of parties.

You need to choose one, author, you can’t have both.

Then, mysterious things started happening here just after the meteor shower. One of the main arts here was glass. Really hot fire is used to make designs of glass. On Earth they might call it glass blowing. “Glassblowing is a glass forming technique that involves inflating the molten glass into a bubble, or parison, with the aid of the blowpipe, or blow. wiki/Glass-blowing).

…Well now. I’m legitimately annoyed by this. That’s not a good thing for me to be, author, and you’re about to find out why.

*SC removes his glasses and hooks them on his shirt collar*

So first of all, you bring up glassblowing right on top of a setup for something completely unrelated, by the looks of this paragraph alone. Then, you have the nerve to act condescending to your audience by explaining how glassblowing works like we’re idiots who’ve never heard of it. Then, you go and make very clear that you just ripped it off a wiki page by leaving the link to that page in, with quotes around the bit you pulled from it, no less, rather than trying to assimilate it into the fantasy your fic is SUPPOSED to be trying to build. And then, you don’t even have the motivation enough to fact check against the information you’re giving to make sure it’s accurate!

Sadly for you, I DO.

Glass blowing involves really hot, SUSTAINED fire, in order to melt and keep the glass molten so that it can be shaped as the artist intends. There’s a How It’s Made episode that goes into that far better than I could, as well as the complexity of the general craft:

I also have a hard time believing that glassworks are a hot commodity in an artisan town. Artisan works were once evolutions in technology born from necessity. People needed tools. They needed structures. They needed containers and furniture. They did not need glass. And without the aforementioned tools, they couldn’t even MAKE glass, anyhow. Because of their lack of necessity, and the potential risk of simply not being able to acquire them, glassworks are considered a luxury, something that people would buy more as a status symbol than anything else – especially in a setting like Spyro’s world, which appears to be built on quasi-medieval lifestyle – and therefore don’t strike me as a hot seller for the common folk in a town that prides itself on its artisan crafts.

Moreover, glass breaks. Very easily, sometimes. Metal is near-indestructible as an art medium, paint and canvas can survive for centuries if properly taken care of, wood has a long natural lifespan which can be extended by simply sealing it against the elements, and pottery will last forever if taken care of. Glass, as a material, is the most fragile you could work with. Art collectors tend to look for things that don’t run a high risk of going code red at the first sneeze, don’t they? So what do you think they’ll buy at an artisan market?

Hint: NOT GLASS.

Glass is also dangerous. There’s always a risk of injury of some fashion, regardless of your art medium, but you can usually avoid it easily enough by just not being stupid, amongst other precautions. Someone could break a glass piece on accident, step on the broken shards, and end up in the hospital because they fucked themselves up bad. And it was just an accident. I’d rather not be an artisan worrying if something I made will come up as the chief cause of someone getting horribly injured, personally.

I think I’ve made my point sufficiently enough. You have no fucking clue what you’re on about, author, so get off your high horse.

*SC puts his glasses back on*

Thankfully, this happened pretty close to the end of the riff, so I don’t have to worry too much about getting much angrier.

The artists there created tiny and huge masterpieces. Not all dragons had the gift to make really special things.

Auren: Such is life.

In the center of the town was a huge building with openings on all for sides. In front of the openings there were covered areas filled with special tools. IT took a special dragon because most dragons walk on all four legs but these dragons could stand for long periods of time holding special tools with their front legs and mouth and nose. They had to have a lot of control because they could not use their inner fire to make the special glass they could only use their inner breath to keep the fires hot and strong.

Vague, vague and more vague, followed by a load of malarkey. Is this building supposed to be an open air glasswares forge? Are the tools supposed to be the ones displayed in that YouTube video I linked? What is “special glass?” Why can’t dragons use their own fire for this glass if it’s so special? Why is bipedalism a standard requirement for the job?

You know, author, better writers than you do this thing called EXPLAINING when talking about shit like this. You’ve got me imagining some Venetian plaza filled with furnaces and dragons waddling around on two feet with sticks and hot glass like a bunch of assholes. That’s NOT supposed to happen.

The night after the meteor shower it grew very quiet and it seemed like there were no parties happening which was weird.

Lance: You mean someone finally realized they had an order to fill and decided to stop getting hammered and go to work? What’s weird about that? I call that, “the workweek.”

Two dragons were at the center square when it happened. There was a loud boom like the one that occurred when the Adepts appeared. A huge cocoon hovered over the center square. Dragons began coming out of their homes to look at this gigantic strange looking rock, but stayed clear of the building. All of a sudden the cocoon-shaped rock separated into two pieces. A heavy goop dropped out over the building and the two dragons that were too stunned to move away were completely covered.

Well, that’s probably ba-

Immediately you could hear the hissing sound. The hissing sounds mean something bad for these dragons.

Motherfucker, I’m getting really tired of your condescending narrative…

Cooling. The two dragons were completely stiff with goop hardened like a shell on them. Then the other dragons watching in surprise realized that the special fires had also been encased and were completely out. A few puffs of steam came out from the four fires from under the goop and the steam spread fear.

Whoops, looks like Crunchy accidentally fired off his “Making-Physics-Cry” Goo. Hate it when he does that.

As the dragons looked around them for an explanation of what happened, one shouted “Look!” “What is that?” Then he pointed to several shadows creeping out of the town.

Auren: Oh, you know, doom. Probably.

Chapter 5

Spyro and Cynder could not keep Zuke and Zinc out of the room. So they decided they could be there but made them sit behind them.

*Spyro* “Fine, you can stay up past your bedtime, but you shitstains are gonna have to smell my farts for as long as it takes you to go to bed!”

The Adepts were sitting with them in a circle. Issac explained that the Subspace Emissary was very powerful and evil. This Emissary learned about his victims and never just rushed into an attack. The Emissary would seek out what was most destructive to each species and planet they conquered and slowly take over.

And yet, he still ended up getting his ass kicked by a bunch of rando Nintendo characters. What a chump. (Although, in his defense, those Nintendo characters might have sorta been in the midst of kicking each other’s asses when he decided to show up, so…)

Spyro looked at Cynder and swallowed hard.

Cynder spoke first and told the visitors that in order to destroy the Dragon Realm the fire would have to be put out.

It would sure be nice if either of them could actually, you know, SAY THIS.

Auren: Haven’t you heard of convenient narrative mutism?

Ishi, one floor below: ONE HEARS TOMFOOLERY!

Lance: You might want to be careful about making up medical conditions for the sake of a joke. He’ll sick leeches on you.

Trust me, it’s more terrifying than it sounds.

Auren: I’ll take your word for it.

The life source of The Dragon Realm was fire and deep in the caves where there is a lot of fire lays a dragon egg one that will never hatch though but the fires keep it warm and alive.

That sounds like a crazed god, doesn’t it? Forever in a state of unbirth, kept alive through artificial means while not truly living? If that thing ever gets unleashed, your world is gonna be subjected to a hell the likes of which you could never imagine.

Lance: I’m not sure I did anything to really warrant that nightmare fuel, but I suppose it’s the thought that counts in a gift.

Now, Spyro had become quite popular in the Dragon Realm and though he also checked with Elders many dragons game to him first to solve big problems. Just then they all jumped to hear someone pounding on the door frantically!

I hate that this author constantly inserts random facts that don’t have anything to do with what the previous sentence was laying out. It’s incredibly jarring.

A small green dragon fell panting inside as Spyro opened the door. “My name is Synger and I have come all the way from Elabria!” She calmed a little and told them all that happened there. Singer was small and young. With her little wings she could not have easily flown all the here. She would have to run and fly in spurts. After she told her story she started to cry and as she was sobbing said, “My father, Blue Nose was caught by the goop and is like a statue now! I don’t know if he will ever be able to make fire again!”

Auren: Yeah, that sucks, kid, now back to musing over how difficult your journey must have been, because I guess that’s important.

Cynder immediately went to her like any mother would to comfort her, but Synger was really sad. Spyro looked at everyone and even though he was a small purple dragon he had a fierce look on his face and said, “Time to send a runner to the Elders. First to see if they are okay and to tell them all we know.”

Holy shit, Spyro actually talked!

Cynder just nodded her head in agreement she was still comforting the small green dragon. Zuke and Zink jumped up and stood proudly in front of their father. There was a long silence, he told Zuke and Zinc, they could not go and that he was proud of them that they offered but no, it had to be someone quicker than a small dragon, not as noticeable as a dragon.

…Uh?

Sparx’ wings were already flapping and without another word took off out the open door. Spyro had not closed it.

Oh! Right, I forgot about Sparx…

Well, that’ll do it for this week! Thanks for reading, folks, and stay tuned for next time! We still have another half of this to finish off, which should be… interesting, to say the least. In the meantime, I’m SC, and on behalf of the Salthorne brothers, I’ll see you next time!

…Uh, Auren? I do believe there’s a leech on your arm.

Auren: Oh, when’d this guy get here?

Lance: That leech is going to explode.

Auren: Gack!

*Auren shakes the leech off his arm, where it promptly explodes into confetti, and a note, on the floor*

“This was a warning, one hopes you found it enjoyable. -Ishi.” I don’t think he quite understands how threatening gestures work.

Auren: Isn’t he a ninja?

Yes, but the ninjas don’t exactly make threats very often, you see, so a lot of them are out of practice.

Auren: Huh.

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59 Comments on “1494: The Wacky, Wonderful Adventurers of Canon-Blending! – Chapters One to Five”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    Here’s a hint: THIS FIC WOULD BE LAUGHED AT.

    Hell, this ‘fic is already being laughed at, and he hasn’t even started trying to push it to developers!

    • SC says:

      I was laughing at this fic before I even realized how insane it gets. This kid wants to push it as a new Spyro game? THAT’S GONNA BE SOME LAWSUITS.

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    Auren And I thought I had a weird name.

    Lance: You have a weird name. Zinc has a scientific name.

    Auren: There’s a difference?

    There’s at least two people who I know for certain are gonna come and kick your ass for that.

    Well, technically, ATLAS will be doing the kicking for me, since she’s much stronger and cannot be legally charged with assault.

  3. AdmiralSakai says:

    astrological physics

    *SC is headshotted in the chest by the Department Of Contradictions Agency New Age R&D Team*

  4. AdmiralSakai says:

    Spyro and Cynder needed to discuss this situation with urgency,

    Garfield? ‘Zat you?

  5. AdmiralSakai says:

    Spyro relaxed and allowed him entry.

    Bow chicka bow bow?

  6. AdmiralSakai says:

    IT took a special dragon because most dragons walk on all four legs but these dragons could stand for long periods of time holding special tools with their front legs and mouth and nose.

    I’d imagine I.T. also takes a special dragon because they need very precise claws to operate a keyboard.

  7. AdmiralSakai says:

    Singer was small and young. With her little wings she could not have easily flown all the here.

    Because, as we well know, here is quite heavy and that much of it would usually require two or three dragons to carry properly.

  8. BatJamags says:

    They are both human and machine and usually created to destroy others.

  9. BatJamags says:

    Subspace Emissary

    OK, I’m familiar with exactly none of the canons involved here (Well, alright, I’ve lost at Smash Bros. a couple times at a friend’s house, but that’s about it), and even I think this is stupid. Especially since Kingdom Hearts and SSB are already crossovers.

  10. BatJamags says:

    *snerk* “Artist school?” Yeah, that sounds like a reputable joint.

    Auren: Shit, guys, I’m late for my third period Artifying class.

    Lance: Oooh, you’re getting an F now, boy.

    You… realize that art school is a real thing, right?

  11. BatJamags says:

    Ishi, one floor below: ONE HEARS TOMFOOLERY!

    Tom Foolery then explained that it was impossible to hear him due to his Convenient Narrative Mutism.

  12. Cain: Reading so much about dragons makes me feel like I should visit Simon sometime. Or maybe bring him here to live in the Library.

  13. GhostCat says:

    LIST OF CHARACTERS AND OTHER EXPLANATIONS

    :eye-twitch:

    Sonofa…

    • SC says:

      Oh, it hurt to read it. Be lucky I spared you the majo-

      OH NO I DIDN’T BECAUSE I POSTED SCREENCAPS IN THE SECRET CLUBHOUSE AHAHAHAHAHAHA

  14. GhostCat says:

    The dragon home was large. Well, the dragons were not huge but had large furniture.

    I hope they make their furniture out of asbestos or something equally fire retardant, because dragons.

    • SC says:

      It’s all super hard, wrinkled leather, because they wanted to be faaaaancy and forgot that leather doesn’t do fire very well.

  15. GhostCat says:

    *Spyro* “Heeeeeeeeer plaaaaaaaaneeeeeeeet waaaaaaaas-”

    *Zuke* “God damn it, hurry up! We only have one life, dad!”

    Don’t complain or he’ll take nine years to tell you how he met your mother.

  16. GhostCat says:

    She’s a FUCKING PLANT. She’s gonna burn up like the Great Deku Tree!

    Come to think of it, why didn’t she burn up during her little trip in the meteorite? She should be a dry-roasted pile of ash.

  17. GhostCat says:

    Art collectors tend to look for things that don’t run a high risk of going code red at the first sneeze, don’t they? So what do you think they’ll buy at an artisan market?

    In Greco-Roman times, glass was more valuable that gold; the fact that it was difficult to make and very fragile made it an extremely high-end luxury item. If Spyro’s universe has progressed to medieval times then it wouldn’t be quite that valuable, but it would still be very expensive. There would be a market for it, but it would be like something like diamond rings today; not the kind of thing you find in a local street fair.

    • SC says:

      So, actually pretty close to what I said earlier in my rant, but kind of off-point a bit.

      …That’s a new one by me.

    • TacoMagic says:

      It’s actually even older than that. Glass has been an artisan craft for about five-thousand years. It was originally curiosity item in Egypt dating back to around 3000 BC. By around 1400 BC it was a trade commodity in both Egypt and the Mediterranean. This was a very rudimentary form of glass that was not clear and tended to be used mostly for beads and amulets by pouring molten-glass into forms or as a glaze on ceramics.

      It was around the first century AD that the Syrians invented the glass blowing technique that led to the explosion of glass crafts and architecture in the Roman Empire. It was actually one of their primary trade goods until the start of their fall in the Sixth Century. There is some archaeological evidence that glass was relatively common just prior to the fall of Rome, especially in the Angelo-Saxon areas where they had developed a much easier way to make soda-glass.

      • SC says:

        Is it weird that I almost enjoy the research aspect of riffing more than the actual mocking of the fic itself, sometimes? Like, even when I’m having fun mocking the fic!

        • TacoMagic says:

          I’ve actually learned a lot about a wide variety of random topics in doing research for riffing.

          Another five years of this, and I’ll be ready for Jeopardy.

      • SC says:

        “This creature is a water nymph from Slavic mythology, similar in concept to the Grecian Siren.”

        “What is Rutabaga?”

  18. GhostCat says:

    …Uh, Auren? I do believe there’s a leech on your arm.

    Auren: Oh, when’d this guy get here?

    Lance: That leech is going to explode.

    Auren: Gack!

    *Auren shakes the leech off his arm, where it promptly explodes into confetti, and a note, on the floor*

    “This was a warning, one hopes you found it enjoyable. -Ishi.” I don’t think he quite understands how threatening gestures work.

    Auren: Isn’t he a ninja?

    Yes, but the ninjas don’t exactly make threats very often, you see, so a lot of them are out of practice.

    Auren: Huh.

    Sensei can be a difficult man to read. EIther he likes you and wants to be friends, or he wants to harvest your organs for his collection. Possibly both.

  19. TacoMagic says:

    This was waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaay back in 09

    Seven whole years ago. Woo, long time.

  20. TacoMagic says:

    I do not know where the Heartless come from but I believe at one time they were innocent creatures transformed to do the bidding of the Subspace Emissary who wants control.

    Wat.

  21. TacoMagic says:

    Pretty much the most important thing to know about Golden Sun is this:

  22. "Lyle" says:

    At least once a week at night the sky would be completely empty of stars the deepest dark blue.

    *grinds teeth*

  23. "Lyle" says:

    Well, the dragons were not huge but had large furniture.

  24. "Lyle" says:

    “I do not have much time!” She paused

    You have a limited amount of time! Now is not the time for a dramatic pause! *slaps Earthia upside the head*

  25. "Lyle" says:

    …My God, what have I unleashed on this Library?

    Something that is going to get you latrine duty for a week, at least.

  26. "Lyle" says:

    IT took a special dragon because most dragons walk on all four legs but these dragons could stand for long periods of time holding special tools with their front legs and mouth and nose.

    It would certainly take a special dragon to walk around with a pair of iron tongs shoved up their nose….

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