1492: Mortal Kombat: A New Hero’s Journey – Chapters Three, Four, and Five

Title: Mortal Kombat: A New Hero’s Journey
Author: cw2k
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mortal Kombat
Genre: Parody/Romance
URL: Chapter 3
URL: Chapter 4
URL: Chapter 5
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck

Note: the following installment of snark contains explicit sex. Thus, this installment is also rated NSFW.

Hi guys, and welcome back to the Library. I’m Herr Wozzeck, and we’re back with more of this.

Because what better way can we balance out the bullshit of Subject 23 than with bad sexytimes?

Anyway, we’re going to keep going with this, so let’s not waste any more time. On with the story!

We open the third chapter with this:

As soon as Tanya returned to her camp, Mileena took the opportunity to take what she learned from Tanya.

“You and I are gonna have some fun,” she says as climbs on top of Chris, spent after giving Tanya the business, but it looks as if he has no problem doing the same with Mileena.

Well, that didn’t take long. One chapter after a sex scene, we start the next chapter on another sex scene. Jeez, he sure doesn’t waste any time.

“You and Tanya are beautiful,”he said, no longer afraid of Mileena’s Tarkatan features. They begin kissing. Chris began touching her, remembering that she is naked, as is he. He took his once-again hard member and tries to enter Mileena. She obliged and took him in. She looked in his eyes as she slowly began to move her hips. “Tanya was right. You Earthrealm men are dominant.” She began riding him, taking him deep. Like Tanya, Mileena moaned but not as loud, for she would not want wake Tanya back up. Unknown to them, Tanya was watching them. She realized that she will have him again one day.

Wow, it’s interesting to see what writing habits people take when they type with only one hand. At least this story is generally consistent with the quality of its crappy sex writing: it just stays boring, instead of the grammar degenerating completely like a certain other shitty porn writer on the Library.

Also, there’s that “Earthrealm men are dominant” line again! Seriously, Mileena, you know that you’re the one on top, right? How is he dominant if he’s pinned down beneath you?

Mileena kept riding him while Chris palms her breasts. Chris never thought that when he was abducted, the first thing that went into his mind was death, but this was unexpected.

I just… what? How did you not think about thinking about death? I just…

*headdesk*

Sentences, author! Learn to structure them better!

He is sexing the Empress of Outworld, something that can only happen in dreams.

*headdesk*

Well, at least this fic believes in equal opportunity sluttification. Hey, considering all the bullshit we’ve bumped into around the Library, I’ll take it!

Chris pumped hard into her, showing the Empress that even she too can be loved and from the looks of it, she agreed.

Yes, let me tell you how much you can be loved from a one-night stand after zero conversations. Yes, it took exactly three seconds of him thrusting into her for her to know that this was the real McCoy.

*BAM*

Mileena closed her eyes, enjoying the very thing she had no knowledge of, the very thing she is experiencing at the moment was this man on top of her, inside her. Chris slowed his movements to caress her body. Mileena continued to moan softly. She knew he’s on a brink of completion, so she wrapped her thighs around him, taking him even deeper.

*grabs temporal sickness bag*

Sorry, these tense shifts are really taking a lot out of me right now…

“I want you to release yourself inside me.” And with that, he did, filling her with his seed the same way he did with Tanya.

A few minutes later, Mileena dresses up, allowing Chris to relax for the night.[/quote[

And thank God for that.

“You certainly proved your worth to me, Chris, but make no mistake. I plan on keeping you around.” As she left, Tanya was pleased by what Mileena had said. The thought of having sex with a Earthrealmer like Chris puts a smile on her face.

And no shitting you, that ends chapter 3. Two chapters in a row of nothing but beige sex. No wonder this author turned to the advertisement tactics he did: his advertisements are almost as desperate as he is with a woman.

Anyway, our next chapter starts with this:

Back in Earthrealm, Sonya and Johnny had discovered Chris in Outworld. They traveled there in search of him.

Um, yes, I’m sure that’s all very interesting, but, ahem… how did they discover that Chris was in Outworld? Things can’t just happen because you say they do, author! I’d like to know how it was that they found out his location!

Meanwhile, Chris was wandering the streets until he got to a marketplace. He was hungry and he had no money.

You’d wonder why he didn’t ask Mileena to give him a few gold coins, or indeed why he’s even in the market in the first place considering that Mileena is a fucking empress and would probably treat someone she considers her boytoy far better than this. You’d wonder that, and then you’d remember that this is a shitty fanfiction that doesn’t even bother to explain how the fuck it is that Johnny and Sonya found out Chris was in Outworld, and that asking such questions is an exercise in futility.

Jesus, we’re only on the second installment of this thing and I’m already breaking out in that talk. What the hell is wrong with me?

People were looking at him funny. His strength was diminishing fast, until he was encountered by a individual in Aztec-inspired attire.

*headdesk*

Oh great, he’s describing the outfit by the culture they’re based on. Lovely. Tell me, fic: which other ethnicity are you going to offend this time?

Chris fell to the ground, to weak to fight. What he saw next to was him something he never seen before. A creature with a hoodie, smooth skin with weird eyes.

“Who…who are you?”

“Fear not, young one. Let me help you,” he said reaching his arm out.

“Just come into my van out in the back and I will have all the candy you could ask for…”

An hour later, Chris finds himself in a house apparently owned by that hooded creature. “I am Kotal Kahn,”he introduced himself.

Kotal Kahn… Who looks like this:

Okay, good, he hasn’t offended any ethnicities this time. Thank Christ for that. The last thing I wanted to do with this fic was rant about cultural insensitivity twice in a row…

Another Kahn? A sickening thought raced through Chris’ mind. Could this be another Kahn plotting to take over Earthrealm?

Oh, now you want to establish stakes? Really? After having Chris get captured only for sex to happen, and after not bothering to explain the whos and the whats and the whys and the hows of the rest of the story, now you want to establish stakes?

*BAM*

Maybe concentrate on writing a fic that’s not just sex before you think about little things like establishing plot, pretty please!

“You need not fear, young one. No doubt you are from Earthrealm,” he said. How could he know that? “How did you know?” Chris asked.

“Because—”

“Why won’t you tell me?”

“Because you keep speaking in my paragraphs, sir. Now shut up and let me explain.”

Kotal replied:

“Your weapons and gear. It is something we have never seen before.”

*headdesk*

Wow. In one paragraph, he bunches the two speakers in the same paragraph. In the next one, he just tells the speaker, and then just points the reader at what they said in the next paragraph. You know, instead of putting it in the same paragraph, given it’s not a dramatic line to say that on.

*headdesk*

“It’s nice to meet a fellow gunman.” Another one said. Chris saw him, wearing a cowboy-inspired attire. Chris noticed the nice, gold revolvers.

“Allow me to introduce my supporters: This is Erron Black.”

Chris recongnized Reptile and Ermac.

“And this is my soon-to-be Prime MInister, D’Vorah.”

He looked at D’Vorah, now knowing her from the creature on her arm, which turned his empty stomach.

Wait, so it was that which turned his empty stomach, and not how violently these characters were all expelled from the SDQF? Come on, Chris! Priorities!

“What are you doing here, Earthrealmer?” Reptile asked.

“I was abducted.”

“By who?” Black asked.

“Someone named… Mileena.”

Someone named Mileena? Really? That’s how you described her? Interesting, coming from the man who recognized her as the empress out Outworld just before Tanya rode him for all he was worth. Or did we just forget the two sex scenes we just spent the better part of two installments making fun of?

Kotal knew Mileena. He understood her instabilty. When Chris said name, his blue skin began to glow with anger.

“This One understands your situation, Earthrealmer,” says D’Vorah.

*cringe*

I know that D’Vorah doesn’t mean what I think she means, but that makes this no less squick-tastic, let me tell you!

“You mean the Empress?”

“Yes.”

“As you can see, Kotal Kahn plans to overthrow Mileena and become the new ruler of Outworld,” D’ Vorah explains.

“I must attack her, immediately!” Kotal exclaimed.

Oh hey, Kotal Kahn wants to take down Mileena for taking a sexual servant in Chris! Can we just recruit him on the squad to excise the slave traders from Jasmine cumslut?

Ermac was next to speak:

“Forgive us, but you are much too weak to fight. You need you strength.”

*frown*

“You strength”? What the hell is “you strength”, and how in the world is he going to get it from here?

“I can help you with that,” said Black.

“This One can hear your body in need of nutrition. We will head to the marketplace immediately.”

Wait, wasn’t Chris already at a marketplace? I could’ve sworn he had just arrived when he got accosted by the Odd Foursome over here!

“I will speak with this Earthrealmer during your trek.”

“Yes, Kotal.”

As they left, Kotal began to interrogate Chris:

“Who are you, young one?” Surely the Special Forces of Earthrealm are searching for you.”

Well, if they are, that extra quotation mark you put in there would’ve led them to you.

*yoinks the quotation mark, puts it in the extra punctuation box*

I say “would’ve”, because we actually need that quotation mark more than you do.

“I’m Chris, leader of the Homefront Warriors in Earthrealm. We were engaging in a war against the Netherrealm.”

“Ahh yes, I know about this war. You say you were abducted and brought here against your will? With no food supplies of any kind?”

“That thought crossed my mind,” Chris said.

But the one where you fucked Mileena and she should therefore feed you herself didn’t. Ah, you gotta love faulty badfic logic!

“Are you a ally of Mileena?” He asked with authority.

“No, sir, I’m not. My alliance is with Earthrealm.”

If I were allied with Mileena, I would consider her an ally, complete with the proper article, thank you!

Convinced, Kotal questions him further:

“You are familiar with Shao Kahn?”

“I am. Two years ago, we defeated him, but me and my team were somewhere else, battling the remaining affiliates of Shao Kahn. Then the Netherrealm took over, led by an elder god named Shinnok.”

“I know of Shinnok. The bane of all existence.”

While I appreciate the infodump for the uninitiated, I just feel like this could’ve been less half-assed, especially for stuff that should’ve been established earlier than chapter four of twenty-one. So nice try, but try harder.

“What is it with you and Mileena?”

“Well, see, I fucked her once and she gave birth to a baby boy that she ate. I’m still trying to kill her for it, so if you wouldn’t mind getting out of my way so I can do that, I would be grateful.

“Ever since Mileena took Outworld’s seat after Shao Kahn’s fall, it was as if she rule the same way as he did, but instability will be her downfall.”

Ah yes, her downfall shall come with plummeting stock prices, angry mobs with signs, and the destabilization brought on by the war against Earthrealm. Yes, that will totally be the instability that brings her down.

An hour later, Ermac, Reptile, Erron Black and D’Vorah returned with the food.

*headdesk*

Okay, it does not take you a single fucking hour to find enough food to feed one guy. Especially since I’m pretty sure most markets also come with food shops these days where you can get just about anything. And yeah, maybe Outworld doesn’t have things like that, but considering how formless this void is over here, can you blame me for trying to fill in the blanks myself?

“My supporters have supplied you with what you need to survive here in Outworld.” As Chris began eating, Sonya and Johnny showed up.

Well, I’ll give Sonya and Johnny this: the fact they’ve figured out how to successfully navigate the SDQF will be a boon for all of us.

“Kotal Kahn.”

“Miss Sonya Blade. I assure your soldier is safe,” said Kotal.

“Hey, man. Good to see you still alive,” said Johnny.

“Of course he is, Cage. He’s a survivor. He saved our asses a lot of trouble with those demons,” Sonya said.

Not that we ever got to see it because interesting plot is for pussies who don’t know what good sex looks like, but hey! Backstory!

Chris looked at Johnny. “So, found any hot babes around here?”

Everyone, including Sonya, looked directly at him.

“What? He probably got laid last night!”

*headdesk*

Johnny, I know you’re a playboy and you love to talk about all that, but I really don’t want to be reminded that yes, this cardboard cutout who is pretending to be a character actually got laid with both Tanya and Mileena. I just don’t.

Everyone gasped. Chris gave Johnny a look of resentment.

Sonya said,” You’re such a ass!”

“I bet you don’t even remember to put the ‘n’ in ‘an’, you son of a bitch!”

“Hey, you’re one to talk!”

“AND YOU LOVE IT!”

“Let’s go, Chris. We need you for debriefing.”

“Yes, ma,am.” He quickly bid farewell to Kotal and company as he, Johnny and Sonya took the portal back to Earthrealm.

And away from Mileena. And people wonder why romance doesn’t last these days…

Anyway, the next chapter opens with this:

Earthrealm was celebrating their latest victory over the Netherrealm.

Which of course will never be explained in detail, because our main cardboard cut-out is rescued and nobody else matters!

Everyone got drunk and crazy, except Chris.

Which is obviously why you didn’t care to actually show anything about the party, right?

He went back in his Ohio home to recuperate.

Wait, he lives in Ohio? B-but I live in Ohio! Then that means… That means…

Crunchy! If I don’t show up tomorrow morning, deliver my eulogy for me, would you please?

He couldn’t help but wonder about the sexual encounters he had with Milenna and Tanya.

Milenna? Who the hell is Milenna? All I know is he slept with Tanya and another woman, but I don’t think her name was Milenna. Was that the name of a woman he slept with on his way to the market that one time?

Wait, you know, this actually brings up another question: how did this guy manage to get out of where he was? He was sleeping in the tent, and then in the next chapter he just wound up in that random Outworld city with no explanation whatsoever as to why he was there in the first place. Why was he there?

*headdesk*

Jesus, I think in his rush to write sexytimes with his favorite Mortal Kombat characters, he pretty much forgot all the other important points of storytelling.

As he slept, he kept having the same dream of the same encounters.

*sigh*

Hang on…

*stands up, goes to the shelf, takes out an LP, starts playing it*

Proceed.

Later that night, he woke up to get some water when an unexpected visitor stood in front of him. It was Tanya!

*facepalm*

Oh for fuck’s sake.

“Tanya. What are you doing here? How did you find me here?”

“Oh, I have my ways.”

Translation: “I took the SDQF over there”.

Jeez, first it was Johnny and Sonya, now it’s Tanya? Jeez, soon enough the entire MK universe is going to be taking the SDQF pretty much everywhere.  And that is not going to help anyone, let me tell you.

She was dressed in the same attire he seen on his first encounter, but something was different.

Yes, and that thing that was different was…?

Was…?

Chris would believe Tanya has come to kill him, but apparently, as she walked slowly toward him, she kisses him.

“Remember our first sexual encounter?”

“Yea.”

She starts getting naked in front of him. “I’ve been thinking about you and how you pleased me. I want another round.”

O-oh, right. Sorry, don’t let me get in the way of porn.

They reached the bedroom kissing.

Oh dear, what was the bedroom kissing?

This time in a nice comfortable bed. It seemed that Chris couldn’t resist Tanya, and who could blame him?

I could! Why the hell would you go for one of the minions of one of the villains of the game?

This time Chris took control.

Yes, and you’re going to tell us how, right?

With every thrust into her, their sexual energies intensified. Him behind her. Her on top. Her on top in reverse and so on. Tanya couldn’t get enough. It lasted throughout the night and they cuddled, completely spent of their sexual energies.

Wow. I did not think that porn would be so interested in getting to the good shit it literally went right past the actual sex! This… I don’t even know what to call this, but it’s certainly not good storytelling!

In the morning, Chris was showering, but Tanya appeared behind him. Chris put her on the wall and entered her. “My god, Tanya. What kind of woman are you?” “The kind that enjoys great sex.”

“Excuse me, I can speak for myself, thank you!”

“But Tanya, I—!”

“Oh shut up. If you want to talk to yourself, do it in the mirror. I’m done with you!”

He pumped deep into her. Faster. Harder. He caressed her body, thighs, everywhere.

“Chris, oh god,yes!”

He kept thrusting and thrusting and he was close to explosion.

I hope it’s not a nuke. I think we’ll all be fucked if it is!

Tanya wrapped her thighs around him, keeping him in her. As he pumpe done last time, he released himself into her.

And not the feeling within his penis? Aw, what a letdown for Tanya.

Chris was making breakfast, while Tanya finisher her shower.

So he was making breakfast right there in the shower? Good God, man, what the fuck sort of set-up do you have in there that you can somehow cook eggs without the water constantly ruining them?

Apparently her time in Earthrealm was well worth it.

We wouldn’t be able to tell you for sure, though. Kind of a side effect of being in the formless void for so long, you know.

The amazing sex, now the smell of breakfast. Tanya never did spend much time in Earthrealm to know these things. Her main purpose was to rebuild Edenia, her homeworld that was merged with Outworld years ago. The same realm where she was deemed traitor.

And this completely out of nowhere exposition was brought to you by the Desperation Corporation: when your story has no depth, scramble to the Desperation Corporation!

She was fascinated at the sight of breakfast for the first time. “What is this?” She asked. Chris explained to her what breakfast was, completely with sausage, bacon, eggs and toast.

*facepalm*

Really? Really? Nobody in Outworld has ever heard of breakfast? And they don’t even have a concept of “that meal you have at the start of the day”? Really? REALLY!?

*headdesk*

Look, I know that fish-out-of-water is a common trope in some things, I get that. And I get that this might not be an Outworld breakfast, I get that. But when you tell me in your narration that she was fascinated “at the sight of breakfast”, you do not get to claim any of that!

*BAM* *BAM* *BAM*

Fuck’s sake, man! Do you not know that words mean things!?

For the first time in her life, of all the men she deemed unworthy, she knew Chris was.

Also unworthy? I don’t blame you for that. Shit, he still hasn’t asked about those guys he went out looking for at the very start of the fic!

He served her her plate with orange juice. Of course, Tanya had no idea what orange juice was, but it didn’t matter. What really mattered now was this moment. A former Edenian warrior enjoying breakfast with a Earthrealmer. And he did all this because for the first time, he saw love.

Oh God, the sappiness! It’s so oversweet it hurts!

*goes off and vomits in a trash can in the corner*

Ugh, good God. I know porn is generally plotless, but would it hurt this guy to have less sappy things to say in the narration?

Ugh, I need a break. I’ll see you guys next week with more Subject 23, folks!

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57 Comments on “1492: Mortal Kombat: A New Hero’s Journey – Chapters Three, Four, and Five”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    Anyway, we’re going to keep going with this, so let’s not waste any more time. On with the story!

    There was a story?

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    Chris began touching her, remembering that she is naked, as is he

    Seems like that’d be kind of difficult to forget

  3. AdmiralSakai says:

    Mileena closed her eyes, enjoying the very thing she had no knowledge of, the very thing she is experiencing at the moment was this man on top of her, inside her.

    Wait, he was underneath her just a moment ago!

  4. AdmiralSakai says:

    chapter four of twenty-one

    OH GOD

  5. AdmiralSakai says:

    “Remember our first sexual encounter?”

    She starts getting naked in front of him. “I’ve been thinking about you and how you pleased me. I want another round.”

    Ok, who talks like this?! The convict dialogue in The Garden of Rama wasn’t this wooden!

  6. AdmiralSakai says:

    He pumped deep into her. Faster. Harder. He caressed her body, thighs, everywhere.

    He caressed the shower curtain, the shampoo bottles, the tap…

  7. GhostCat says:

    Chris began touching her, remembering that she is naked, as is he.

    He forgot that he was naked? And that she was naked?

    I think Chris might have a concussion; he should be getting medical attention, not another lackluster orgasm.

  8. GhostCat says:

    the very thing she is experiencing at the moment was this man on top of her, inside her.

    Inside, yes; on top, no.

  9. GhostCat says:

    “You certainly proved your worth to me, Chris, but make no mistake. I plan on keeping you around.”

    So this “dominant” Earthrealmer is essentially the Empress’ pet sex slave?

  10. GhostCat says:

    “Allow me to introduce my supporters: This is Erron Black.”

    Chris recongnized Reptile and Ermac.

    “And this is my soon-to-be Prime MInister, D’Vorah.”

    The narration states that Chris recognizes Reptile and Ermac, but he never says anything out loud or makes any sign of recognition – yet Kotal Khan never introduces them to him.

  11. Delta XIII says:

    Translation: “I took the SDQF over there”.

    I went threw the SDQF once.

    Let’s just say there’s a reason I learned Instant Transmission.

  12. Swenia says:

    Chris began touching her, remembering that she is naked, as is he.

    If you forget that you’re naked during sexy-times, at least one of you is doing it wrong.

    • Swenia says:

      He kept thrusting and thrusting and he was close to explosion.

      Yup, doing it wrong. If either your or your partner explodes, combusts, or dissolves, you were not wearing adequate protection.

  13. TacoMagic says:

    “Let’s go, Chris. We need you for debriefing.”

    There’s been enough debriefing for one day, thank you very much, Sonya.

  14. Swenia says:

    This time Chris took control.

    *Grabs a large container of popcorn and settles herself into the VIP section of the bleachers*

    All right! Finally some-

    With every thrust into her, their sexual energies intensified. Him behind her. Her on top. Her on top in reverse and so on. Tanya couldn’t get enough. It lasted throughout the night and they cuddled, completely spent of their sexual energies.

    WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT!?

  15. "Lyle" says:

    He is sexing the Empress of Outworld

    Okay, so from a zoological standpoint, this line is hilarious. “Sexing” is the process of determining the gender of an animal (such as a bird or fish) that does not have obvious external genitalia. Pardon me as I giggle over here in this corner.

  16. "Lyle" says:

    “My god, Tanya. What kind of woman are you?” “The kind that enjoys great sex.”

    You’re in the wrong fic, then, cupcake. Here, apparently, you’ll get glossed over sex positions and, for some bizarre reason, cuddling.

  17. Jon Arbuckle says:

    “He served her her plate with orange juice.”

    Most people would serve orange juice in a glass instead of on a plate but this is the guy who forgot Tanya was naked during sex.


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