1482: The war of O’khasis – Chapter Three

Title: The war of O’khasis
Author: princessteda12
Media: Movie
Topic: Disney’s Mulan Minecraft
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Chapter Three
Critiqued by Lyle

Good morning, lovelies!  Due to current time constraints with work and life, I’ll be keeping my riffs fairly short.  This is both a good thing and a bad thing.  On the plus side, it means I don’t have to torment myself with trying to finish long riffs before my posting day, leaving me much more relaxed during the week.  On the down side, though, it means it’ll take us longer to get through badfics.  As an apology, everyone gets a free cookie from Blood of the Bean.  Just tell Lina I said so.

Anyway, last time we met, I introduced you all to “The war of O’khasis,” a Minecraft fic that was posted in the “Mulan” section of ff.net because our author is an idiot who doesn’t understand how source-material works.  Despite the convoluted way in which it is written, the fic has implied that it follows the general idea of “Mulan” in that a girl has to disguise herself as a man to save the kingdom.  That’s the only connection to the cited source we have.

In the first two chapters, we met our protagonist and some other very forgettable people, nothing was described, and the resident Sue decided to go against her parent’s wishes and escape the castle to find help against some invading werewolf bandits… or something.  Or maybe she’s just going into town to buy a burger.  It isn’t entirely clear on what’s happening.

Let’s get more confused!

I climbed the tree nearest to the wall, Zane, Vylad, and Garroth followed. Carefully I scaled down the wall, Garroth also did the same, Vylad made it half way until he fell, Zane just felled flat on his face. I walked east from O’khasis, heading toward the forest. “Why are we heading into the forest again?” asked Vylad?

This daybooking is going to make me felled flat on my face.

Koori:  Oh, look!  I see description!  *points*  There’s a forest!  I bet it looks all foresty and full of trees.


Jesusmonkeynipples!  What is with you guys sneaking up on me?!

‘because my friend lives here, I need to know is she will help us.” I replied.

One sentence, three mistakes.


“I don’t think I like your friend now, are you sure we won’t die or get lost in the forest?” asked Garroth.

Koori:  That’s rather judgemental.  All you know about this “Mystery Friend” is that she’s a she, she lives in the forest to the east, and she might potentially be willing to help your kingdom out.

There are ways to prevent getting lost in a forest if you prepare for such a scenario, and why in the world would you assume you might die in there?  Is it known for having blood thirsty beasts?  Do people go in and never come out?  Are you walking through an encampment of werewolf bandits to get to the forest?  So many questions.

Koori:  And none of them will ever be answered.  Tea?  *offers Lyle a hot mug*

“trust me, they know who I am, and they know who you guys are also I visit them every week after my afternoon classes.” we were deeper into the forest, Garroth held a torch, and I led the way.

What time is it that they have to bring a torch to see where they’re going?  You’re going to light the forest on fire, you twat!

Koori:  Wait, I thought they were going to visit some lady, not a group of “they.”

*shrugs and takes a sip of tea*  At this point, it wouldn’t surprise me if they’re off to see the wizard.

“So wait, you go over the walls every week just to visit her?” said Vylad.

No, she goes to visit They.  Pay attention.

“Yep, we’re here.” they looked around, confused mostly.

Koori:  That took all of six minutes.

They lives close by.

“Hazel come out I know you’re here!” I yelled, a girl about my age jumped down from the tree.

Six minute’s walk into the forest and she starts shrieking like a banshee.  I certainly hope she wasn’t trying to be secretive about her whereabouts.

the boys backed away slowly. Hazel had on a plain light green t-shirt, jeans, a vest and a belt, she had blonde hair, which was tied into a messy bun, not to mention she was a thief.


How the hell can they tell just by looking at her that she’s a thief?!  Is she wearing a sign around her neck?

Koori:  Maybe she’s got it tattooed on her forehead.


“Oh, Garroth, Zane, Vylad, this is Hazel. My friend and a professional thief.” I stated. They all looked at me with the, ‘you friend is a thief?!’ look.


“nice to meet you all” Hazel started. they all shook hand with her, I told her about the western werewolf and thief join up, luckily she wasn’t a part of this. But she also don’t know how to stop this until they wreck every kingdom and village. “thanks Hazel, stay safe.” and we were on our way.

Soon it was sun set, all of us walked to our sleeping quarters and went to bed, until I was waked up by Dante, by the smell of flames.

Koori:  Dante should try a different deodorant if he smells like flames.

At least he doesn’t smell like Satan’s ass crack.

“Dante, what are you doing?” I asked, he grabbed my arm and replied, “Saving you life” we ran downstairs, all of the villagers were in the lobby. I asked Dad what was happening,

Lobby.  The villagers are in the lobby of the royal palace.

“The wolves and thieves are bombing O’khasis, the surrounding, villages and kingdoms including us are sending out our best guards.”

Whoa, slow down there, Shatner.

“what if the guards fail?” asked Zane. Father had on a worried expression, I turned round to look at Laurence and Dante.

“Then…then we have to send out our, younger guards.” he said. I was worried for the safety of Dante and Laurence, Dante pulled me aside to talk.

Okay, here’s the problem with this plan.  *picks up the dorm-room-door white board with a sigh*  I don’t suppose you’ve had any luck locating my chalkboard?

Koori:  Oh, I’ve found it.  It’s, uhm, extricating it that might prove difficult.

Wait, what?  You know where it is but you can’t retrieve it?  Why the hell not?  You’re a ninja.

Koori:  Syl has it…

*narrows eyes*  I see your point.  I’ll go get it when we’re done today.

Koori:  But Syl-

Head Librarian.

Koori:  Right.

Moving on, the problem with the king’s plan.  You’re throwing all your eggs into one basket.  I know you think that by chucking all your veteran, experienced soldiers into the fray, you maximize your chances of victory.  You’re wrong.

  1. Just because they’re older does not make them better fighters.
  2. Younger soldiers typically have more energy than older ones.  If your soldiers get tired while fighting, they’ll make mistakes.  Mistakes lead to death.
  3. Leaving inexperienced soldiers as your last line of defense will almost certainly spell defeat.  Think of it this way: In the first charge, you will cut down many of the bad fighters in the enemy line.  The second charge, more inexperienced people will die. By the time the enemy has breached your outer defenses, the best fighters will be left to seize the castle.  Do you really want your personal guards to be the bottom of the barrel?

What they should do is make up a mix of new and experienced soldiers so that you don’t lose all your good fighters right off the bat.

Now, putting that aside, why the hell are they even sending troops out?  They’re in a castle.  Man the ramparts and load the fucking trebuchet.  Return fire.  Get your oil boiling and send out flaming Molotovs into their midst.  If they can send “bombs” over your walls, you can damn well reach them with some of your own.  You have the advantage of higher ground when it comes to launching projectiles!  Charging out of the gates all “Riders of Rohan” style is just going to cause an unnecessary loss of manpower.

“thanks for saving me.” I started.

From what?

Koori:  The smell of flame?

“you don’t have to, when the first bomb reached the castle, some of the guards told the villagers to take refuge in the castle. So they can at least be safe. Your mother ordered me and Laurence to get you and your brothers out of your rooms before the walls collapse on you. We should had gotten you out first when we realized that your room was closest to the bombing.” he said.

Waaaait, wait, wait, wait.  They’re directly bombing the castle, not the village, and the palace guards told the villagers to go into the building that’s being bombed?  And, what’s more, they’re concerned with walls collapsing in but they’re all just chillin’ in the lobby like Lina’s having a BOGO event?  You do realize that staying in a place where the structural integrity is questionable is not a good idea, right?  Right?  …They don’t realize this, do they?

Koori:  Nope.

“It’s okay, but the thing I’m worried is if you and Laurence are going to be sent our there. We’re still pretty young, I can’t imagine losing everything at this age. this is just to much to take in.”

Awww, don’t worry, Buttercup.  *pats the Sue*  If you lose everyone, you’ll be dead soon, too.  You’ll hardly have any time at all to dwell on the twajek outcome of your father’s dipshit planning.

“I know, I have to go. need to take care of the villagers.” and he left. Garroth, Zane and Vylad were talking about something, I walked toward them to listen to what they were talking about.

Why are soldiers milling around with the villagers in the lobby?  GET ON THE MOTHERFUCKING WALL AND FIRE BACK!

“Hey what are you talking about?” I asked Zane.

“About the limited amount of guards we have, if they fail-“


“then Laurence and Dante will be sent along with a bunch of other guards in training.” I finished the sentence for him. “Dante and I were talking about it earlier. I looked behind Vylad, there was Hazel, looking like she did yesterday. I walked over to her and told her about the guards sent and Laurence and Dante. Then we had to roll out some mattresses and go to bed. I couldn’t sleep that night, Mom, Dad, Hazel, Garroth, Zane, Vylad, Laurence, and Dante were already asleep, along with the villagers. I had a plan in mind, but it was really risky. But it was for the safety of O’khasis, here goes nothing.

So everyone is just going to have a big-ass slumber party in the middle of a deteriorating, possibly on fire palace?

Koori:  I’m picturing that scene from Princess Diaries 2.

Koori:  Sorry for the not-so-clear quality of the video.

Well then, with that, we’re done for the week.  See you all next time!  I’m off to find my chalk board, and Koori?

Koori:  Yes, Miss Lyle?

Get in touch with Crunchy for me about building a giant mattress slide somewhere in the Library.  I want one.


12 Comments on “1482: The war of O’khasis – Chapter Three”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    What time is it that they have to bring a torch to see where they’re going? You’re going to light the forest on fire, you twat!

    No, silly, you need a Lava Bucket to do that!

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    They all looked at me with the, ‘you friend is a thief?!’ look.

    There’s a specific look for realizing that someone’s friend is a thief? And what, pray tell, might that be?

    • GhostCat says:

      Barefoot, filthy canvas britches, tight leather vest, no shirt, and a tricorn hat. Oh, and Syl wears a lot of bracelets, too, but I don’t know if that’s just a personal choice or if all thieves like shiny things.

  3. Addicted Reader says:

    Hooo-leee Shatner, that was hard to read!

    And there were no closing quotation marks in that last paragraph …

  4. GhostCat says:

    Jesusmonkeynipples! What is with you guys sneaking up on me?!

    Frickin’ ninjas, man. The clan’s taken years off my life.

  5. GhostCat says:

    Koori: Dante should try a different deodorant if he smells like flames.

    At least he doesn’t smell like Satan’s ass crack.

    Or leech brine. Or whatever-the-hell Syl rolls in that smells like decomposing hippies.

  6. BatJamags says:

    “Dante, what are you doing?” I asked, he grabbed my arm and replied, “Saving you life” we ran downstairs, all of the villagers were in the lobby. I asked Dad what was happening,

    The lobby? I imagine that something like this is happening:

  7. CrunchyRaptor says:

    *Walks in holding a tray filled to the brim with tiny sandwiches*

    I have those mattress sliders you asked for. A bit of an unusual order, and they turned out rather dry, but with a little ketchup I assure that they will delight.

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