1480: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors – Chapter Twelve, Part Seven

Title: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors
Author: Stone-Man85
Media: Movie
Topic: Princess Mononoke
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Chapter Twelve
Critiqued by SC, Shades and Hipster Glasses

Please. I’m begging you. Stop rearranging my furniture.

???: But it’s all cluttered!

How is it cluttered?! All I have in here is my desk, chair, a fan I never use and a trap control panel! And you’ve got my riffing chamber rearranged so that my desk is on the opposite wall of the chamber from me! How the hell am I supposed to see what I’m riffing from that far away?!

???: Oh, but doesn’t it look so much cleaner this way?

No! It looks like bullshit!

*Shades walks in, covered in soot*

…What happened to you?

Shades: Testing out explosive ordinance with Bifocals. I mean, yeah, it’s stuff Bifocals made, but mate, I’m not going to turn down the opportunity to shoot a big-arse gun. It’s simply not in my nature.

Thank God over-obsessive cleaning isn’t in your nature, either.

Shades: What? …What the hell happened to your riffing cha- oh. You.

O hai, Hipster Glasses!

O hai, Hipster Glasses!

Hipster Glasses: Hello, Marina, dear~! You know, you should really take a shower and change your clothes. You’re all dirty.

Shades: …So this is why I was invited to the riff this week, eh?

Sorry…

*BKAM!*

*Hipster Glasses bounces off the wall she was dusting, leaving a bloodstain from where her head exploded; seconds later, she respawns in her seat*

Hipster Glasses: Ow! What was that for?!

To make you sit down.

So! Hello, and welcome back to Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors, by Stone-Man85! I’m your Ghost-

…Fucking autocorrect.

I’m your HOST, SC, and last time, Alex didn’t die, which will never stop pissing me off. Instead, he was brought to an ape village, got botherbotherbothered, and (I assume) was about to meet Shishigami when we left off.

With me this week is Shades’ evil twin, Hipster Shades. You might have guessed already, but Hipster Glasses was born from the younger days of Marina Deckard, before both her parents were murdered and she became the hard-nosed, badass, gun-toting she-devil of a detective we know better as Shades. Well, young Marina Deckard was a fucking clean freak. Oh my GOD, was she a clean freak.

Hipster Glasses: A clean house is a clean conscience, dearie.

This is not a house.

Anyhow, apart from that, Hipster Glasses isn’t technically evil. But, well, she did come from SHADES, so you have to imagine that she has the same access to guns on a whim that Shades does. So when fighting does inevitably break out between the two… uh. Duck.

Now with that out of the way, let’s get to the riff!

The young outlander turned to San who just looked back at him, equally confused as it seemed.

Shades: What are they confused about?

I dunno, maybe they’re just confused about being confused.

Hipster Glasses: That’s a sure sign of cluttered thought-

Shades and SC: DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE.

When he turned around to face forward once more he found that the apes has spread to either side, clearing a path for him. His dark eyes traced the path until they settled on a cave that went deep into the side of an enormous bolder.

Sorry, what was that word, again?

bolder

Hmm. I’m thinking that’s not the word you wanted there, ace. Though a badass boulder is pretty intimidating, I’ll admit.

Shades: I mean, yeah, why do you think rock is strong enough to fuck up scissors, mate? Even paper is too scared for that, that’s why it loses.

She makes a good argument, this one.

The more he looked at it, he more the word ‘enormous’ seemed like an understatement. Titanic might have been a better word to use.

Hipster Glasses: Does that mean it’s going to hit an iceberg and sink?

Thankfully, no.

Who are you?‘ he asked through his thoughts.

I am a friend…

Shades: Sure, mate, that’s what they all say.

How many times have you said that line in your career?

Shades: Dunno. Thirty times, maybe? It’s not exactly like I was keeping count.

Hipster Glasses: Forty-six times and counting.

Shades: The only possible way you could have that number is if you’ve been stalking me, because we don’t bump into each other frequently enough for you to sound so sure.

Hipster Glasses: I wouldn’t want you to bump into me anyways. You’d get my blouse all dirty.

*Shades pokes Hipster Glasses in the cheek, leaving a smudge mark; Hipster Glasses begins trembling uncomfortably*

That’s not nice.

Shades: It’s what she gets for jumping on my case about being dirty more than three times in an hour.

Alex frowned. ‘Can I take your word for that?

Hipster Glasses: I mean, whoever it is is probably cleaner than you, so-

They’re in a forest.

Hipster Glasses: …Oh.

Only if you wish to…

Only if I wish to what? Be in a forest?

Shades: …Well, do you?

I mean, yeah, sometimes.

He frowned even more. ‘I guess I’m just gonna have to… seeing as how I’m not left with any other alternatives.

…Huh? He gave you the ability to choose for yourself whether he’s trustworthy or not, and you’re acting like you’re being held at gunpoint and forced to take the yes option? Why?

Hipster Glasses: Probably because Marina is actually holding him at gunpoint.

*SC glances over at Shades, who has Alex pinned against a wall with an assault rifle barrel jammed up under his chin*

Oh, so she does.

Alex: Help? Please?

Nah, I don’t feel like it.

With a sharp snuff, he slowly made his way towards the gaping mouth of the cave and stopped for a moment, eying the darkness that lay beyond. He stood there for what felt like hours, wondering whether or not to proceed any further.

Oh, get on with it!

Shades: Sometimes I have to wonder if you aren’t trying to bait people into making Monty Python jokes.

You imply that I’m ever not trying.

Shades: Well, at least you’re honest.

Finally, taking in a deep breath, the young human walked into the cave.

And

DIED.

*SC dips his hand in red paint and slaps a handprint onto Hipster Glasses’ face*

Hipster Glasses: NOOOOO I’M UNCLEAN!!!

Shades: Oh, but it’s mean when I do that to her.

San could only stand and watch as her human companion slowly made his way further into the cave, disappearing into the shadows one more time. As she watched him fade from sight she couldn’t help but feel the small bit of fear creeping through her spine. Fear that it would be the last time she would see him again. It was then that she realized that she was holding Alex’s jacket tightly to her chest.

She’s only scared of him dying because it’ll kill the Suefluence that has her under its sway.

Next Chapter: Dwelling of the Apes; Spirit of the Forest, Someisa

…So, you couldn’t wait to put it in the chapter that’s actually named after it, then?

Well, whatever. Thanks for reading, folks, and stay tuned for next time! Let’s see, I only have Sports Shades and Book Specs’ evil twins to invite, I think. That should be… uh… entertaining, to say the least. In the meantime, I’m SC, and on behalf of Shades and Hipster Glasses – who is currently tearing her face off with industrial strength bleach because, God forbid, she got PAINT on her – I’ll see you next time!

Shades: …So, I noticed that Ghostie’s cleaning cabinet was properly organized and labeled, for once. Can I assume you’re to blame for that?

Hipster Glasses: Yes.

Uh, should you really be mixing this bleach with that bleach? I’m no chemist, but that seems incredibly da-

*Hipster Glasses shoves her head into the bleach mixture*

-Oh, okay, fuck my opinion then, I guess.

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11 Comments on “1480: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors – Chapter Twelve, Part Seven”

  1. BatJamags says:

    Oh, get on with it!

    Shades: Sometimes I have to wonder if you aren’t trying to bait people into making Monty Python jokes.

    You imply that I’m ever not trying.

    Shades: Well, at least you’re honest.

    Yes, get on with it!

    GoodJamags: Yes, get on with it!

    SUPERCILIOUS THE SORCERER!: GET ON WITH IT, MORTAL!

    Chief McCarthy: Get on with it!

    Kane: I refuse to engage in this.

  2. With me this week is Shades’ evil twin, Hipster Shades.

    Er…

    Hipster Glasses

  3. Cain: Hipster Glasses is never allowed on any of my ships.

  4. TacoMagic says:

    With me this week is Shades’ evil twin, Hipster Shades.

    Chadze: But you told me-

    There can be more than one twin.

    Chadze: No, there cannot. By the very definition of the word-

    Look, it’s fine. No need to look into it further.

    Chadze: But-

    Sorry, can’t hear you over everything being totally fine!

    Chadze: Inelegant troglodyte.

    • GhostCat says:

      Maybe Chadze is really Hipster’s evil twin; she does look exactly like Shades. It’s an evil-twinception!

      • SC says:

        Or it could also be that I have no clue how to write a character Taco created without fear of fucking it up and getting a gong straight up my ass pipe.

        …But that would be silly! :D

    • SC says:

      Shades: …You chose Hipster Glasses because she was the lesser of two evils between her and this one, didn’t you?

      Well, I THOUGHT she was…


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