1478: Mortal Kombat: A New Hero’s Journey – Introduction, and Chapters 1 and 2Posted: July 21, 2016
NOTE: The fic being snarked contains explicit sexual content. Therefore, this riff is rated NSFW. Read at your own discretion.
Hello ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another installment of stuff. This time, we’re going into a fandom I actually don’t have the greatest familiarity with. But, it is a for a game everybody knows. So you guys might be asking “wait, if you don’t know it that well, why are you snarking it?
Well… those of you that keep up with my social media exploits know that I have a Twitter. (My handle is @HerrWozzeck, if you guys want to follow along on Twitter.) And on Twitter, I follow an account called Fanfiction_txt (@fanfiction_txt), and they often retweet fanfiction-related things. Well… today’s fic was actually discovered through that account. Why? Because the account tweeted a printscreen of the fic’s reviews session.
The tweet is as follows:
Yep. The author wrote reviews on their own page, which is one of my fanfiction red flags. Worse, it also tries to advertise the stuff that happens in the fic in the reviews. I don’t know what’s sadder: the desperation required to advertise your fic’s chapters like this, or the fact that it’s self-defeating because who the fuck would go in the reviews of a fic to see the author advertise their own fic’s chapters?
So when I saw that, I knew I had to snark this fic. And lo, here it is!
And without any further ado, let’s get started, shall we?
So our fic begins thusly:
This story takes place in MKX, following a new hero who survived
a brutal war between Earthrealm and Outworld. He participated in
a grueling battle against Netherrealm forces led by Shinnok, but gets mysteriously abducted
by Empress Mileena and her consort Tanya. What would they do with him?
Oh God, really? Right from the prologue?
Who cares if it’s technically an “introduction”? The fail is still technically there, right?
First of all, what is this summary doing in the body of the fic itself? You’d think this would be in the actual summary. The only good thing about that is that the summary doesn’t contradict this little introduction. So what is this doing in the body of the fic?
Second, why have the summary there at all? It’s not like he couldn’t have written an entire actual prologue around this whole “he gets mysteriously abducted” plot point. And yes, I checked the next chapter… and you’ll be seeing what happens when I get to that. Suffice to say, this point still stands.
And lastly, what the fuck is that formatting? Like… was there any logic or reasoning behind it? It’s four lines, randomly broken up, and centered. Why? What is the point of that? It’s not a poem because it’s clearly written out in sentences, so it makes little sense to format it this way! I just…
Well, you gotta give this author props: he sure didn’t waste any time. You have to admire authors that don’t waste any time giving you exactly what you expect!
And yes, that is the entire introduction. Just those four lines. I can hardly wait for the fic itself!
Chapter one starts with this:
Two years after the grueling war with Outworld, Earthrealm has yet another war to fight considering its condition.
Okay. Judging from this statement over here, this seems to have happened after the events of MK9, and the “introduction” stated that Mileena is the empress of Outworld. This, so far, is consistent with this fic’s assertion that it takes place in MKX. So again, it renders the introduction pointless, though it is rather kind of this author to realize that most of us like to have our timeline established in-fic rather than outside it.
Soldiers from around the world took part in this war, but many have died. They were facing strange demons from the Netherrealm. While most of them were getting slaughtered, one soldier faught bravely, taking down most of them with help from his friends. Chris, leader of the street squad known as the Homefront Warriors, were called upon to assist Special Forces to eradicate the demons. Two hours later, his friends came up missing and Chris began searching for them, only to be hit from behind and knocked unconscious by unknown assailants.
Ahem, okay. What was that little adage we always state around here?
Ah, right. Thanks for the reminder, Mr. Hemmingway.
Like, seriously, what is this? This could’ve been a lengthy story of its own. Who are the Homefront Warriors? Who is Chris as a person? Why were they called upon to assist the Special Forces? How, exactly, were these guys fighting the demons? How did his friends go missing? When did Chris get knocked unconscious?
There’s a whole treasure trove of story here, and it all got related in exposition, as if we the reader wouldn’t be interested in it.
*headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk*
Meanwhile, Johnny Cage, Sonya Blade and Kenshi were fighting the demons as well when they were attacked by Scorpion and Sub-Zero. Johnny managed to defeat them both, but the three were ignorant of the fact that Chris and team were missing.
And why would they be privy to any information about Chris? You could reasonably assume that Sonya’s affiliation with the Special Forces would mean she’d have a comms connection to Chris the entire mission, but that still doesn’t answer the question in-fic. On top of that, why is it important that they didn’t know that Chris and the team had gone MIA? I mean, if you’re mentioning it in the fic at all, it’s got to be important, right? You wouldn’t just leave the rifle there if you’re not going to fire it later, right?
Oh, and once again:
After that, we’re transported to…
Chris woke up, realizing he is not in Earthrealm anymore, but in a camp somewhere in a forest. His weapons and gear were taken away.
And what weapons and gear were…?
You know what? Never mind. Knowing the history of people who know nothing about guns here at the Library, I don’t think I want to know just what his loadout was.
“Looks like someone’s awake.” He heard a female voice from outside. What he saw was a woman in gold and black Arabian-like attire.
Okay, first of all…
The proper term is “Arabic”, thank you very much. What the hell is “Arabian-like”, and why did you think it was an okay thing to say?
Second, even if we ignore the fact that it’s culturally insensitive, what the hell do you mean by that? Arabic attire has changed a ridiculous amount over the centuries. So unless you want us to picture this woman wearing this:
…then I call bullshit. Especially since I know Mortal Kombat would never put that much clothing on a woman if you held a knife to the game disc and threatened it with death.
“Let’s not keep him waiting, dearest Tanya.” Another female voice.
Okay, so that was Tanya that spoke, I assume. So that “Arabian-like” attribute was to describe her costume.
*takes off sunglasses, rubs face*
Patrons, please take a look at Tanya’s costume from MKX:
Let that sink in. Okay?
Now, tell me: how in God’s name is that anything that fits a description of “Arabian-like”?
*BAM* *BAM* *BAM*
Hey genius: just because Egypt is part of the Arab world doesn’t mean that it was always “Arabian-like”. Shit, bro, you do remember that Egypt had nearly three and a half thousand years of history before the Arab world came anywhere near its present geographical location, right? There’s an entire culture separate from Arabia that existed in Egypt, and to describe Tanya’s look (which is very obviously inspired by ancient Egyptian culture) as “Arabian-like” is insulting to both Arabia and Egypt.
Jesus, when I started snarking this fic, cultural insensitivity was the last thing I thought I’d see! What the hell?
Unsure of what’s going to happen, his heart began to beat faster as the two women entered thier tent. One of the other women was wearing what appears to be some kind of Magenta Vampiress outfit with a matching veil.
So basically, this:
As opposed to Mileena’s actual outfit (I’ll assume this is Mileena you’re attempting to describe since the introduction mentioned as much):
Hey, here’s a newsflash, author: describing your characters’ clothing by comparing them to other costumes tells us nothing about what they look like. Unless you like the idea of us having to completely invent an outfit based on the highly vague descriptions you’ve given us, you need to go into better detail than that. And even if it’s too much detail, at least then you’d be up for a Sucktastic Award!
“So, Earthrealmer, how are you feeling?” asked the woman known as Tanya.
What Chris should say: “I’m… worried. First, where are my comrades, what am I doing here, and who are you?”
What he actually says:
“Not bad. Caught a nice nap here. Too bad I was sleeping alone. Where am I?” Chris asked.
Good to know that our main “hero” has already racked up points on the douchebag meter. I mean, seriously? He doesn’t even ask after the friends that went missing. You know, the ones the narration at the start of the chapter told us about? Given that he’s their leader and all that, you’d think that would be one of the first things he’d ask about.
But nope, why do that when you can make a comment about how you slept like a baby, with the first question then being “where am I” instead of “where are they”?
“Glad to hear that. You are in Outworld.” says Tanya.
Still unsure of what’s going on, Chris began fearing that his death by these two women were looming on the horizon.
And still no thoughts of the friends he got taken from, eh? No wondering about “hey, they must’ve taken out my friends to get to me”, no no no, we just get him thinking about himself.
Goddammit, author, can we lay off on the selfish douchebags for one story? I just got done snarking Taren!Sue, I don’t need to deal with another unlikable douchebag as a “hero”.
Anyway, that ends chapter one. At least these chapters are short. Chapter two picks up right from where Chapter one started, where—
Chris closed his eyes, waiting for his fate. A few minutes passed, and Chris opened his eyes to see Tanya… naked…
Wh-WHAT THE FUCK!?
“I am Tanya, Earthreamer. What’s your name?” she asked.
Shocked by her stunning beauty, Chris ended up stuttering.
“I’m… Chris,” he managed to say.
“Well, Chris.” She moves closer to him, knowing his member getting harder. “Like what you see?” she asked. He nodded yes.
What the hell is this? Tanya and Mileena take Chris prisoner, and the first thing they do with him once they’ve captured him is to have Tanya strip naked? I… what? Why the fuck would she do that?
She turns to the woman in magenta clad. “What should we do with him, Mileena Kahndum?” Mileena? He heard that name before. He heard rumors about her incarnation from Princess Kitana, though he never met either of them.
Well obviously not, though I thought Kitana died in MK9. And anyway, how the hell would Chris know Kitana? Because the only way I could think of for that to happen would be if Chris was also inserted into the Mortal Kombat 3 bit of MK9. And again, that begs the question of why you didn’t just, I dunno, establish this at any point before now!
“Play with him, dearest Tanya. Let’s see what he can do.”
Tanya strips Chris of his military pants and was amazed of what she is working with.
Jesus Christ, not even EclipsePheniox was this fast in Trapped! Like, this guy is literally getting his boner jumped within a minute of meeting these two people! I just… what?
*headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk*
Perhaps your woman enjoys this.” she says. “I don’t have a girlfriend.” Chris responded.
Nor does he have a paragraph to himself. God, can’t a man get some privacy around here?
“Is that so? How is it a handsome gentleman like yourself not have a woman to give this to,” she asked, referring to his hard member.
I don’t know, it might have something to do with his personality that has all the depth of a sheet of cardboard?
Like, real talk, folks: apart from the fact that he was a douchebag about his comerades, what really is there to this character? There’s basically a whole lot of nothing here. He’s literally just sitting there with no personality being developed whatsoever, and why should we have any reason to care that he’s about to get some action?
Before he answered, Mileena walked up to him, sensing his growing fear of her murderous intentions towards him. But instead, she gave Tanya a nod of approval, and with that, Tanya took Chris’ hard member into her mouth and move back an forth.
Aaaaaand, this sex scene is going to be terribly written, isn’t it?
Mileena watches as Tanya worked his member with her mouth. Five minutes later, it was his turn. He climbs on top of Tanya.
What? Wait, hang on, he was able to get up off the ground at any point before now, but just chose not to?
Hm… Now that I think about it, he wasn’t exactly described as having been tied down. So literally, the empress of Outworld and her charge both abducted a man and forgot to tie him down?
So why the hell didn’t he stand up and fight them if he was so afraid. I mean, shit; especially given how often MK9 went out of its way to contrive fights between all the characters in the story mode, you’d think Chris would have no problem standing up and fighting Tanya and Mileena.
But nope, he stays put long enough for Tanya to give him the world’s worst-described blowjob. Because why not.
“I’m ready,” she says as he slides his member into her vagina. She wraps her thighs around as he starts thrusting into her.
“Whoah, Tanya, how did you manage to wrap your legs around the Taj Mahal while you were being fucked facing me?”
“Oh, it wasn’t that hard. Just have to work the thighs out, you know?”
Tanya looked in his eyes and says, “Take me, Chris.” She started moaning as he pumps deep, caressin her thighs and gives her a kiss. He then thrusted hard into her, giving Tanya what any woman loves, great sex.
First it was the Arab world, then it was Ancient Egypt, and now it’s asexual women. I love how this fic just keeps finding ways to be insensitive to folks!
Also, since I’m only now noticing this…
*gets temporal sickness bags*
Here. You’ll need this for all the tense shifts going around right now.
He continued thrusting, and lickin her sweet nips.
Mileena soon realized that she could get this action too, but only in due time, as she is enjoying Tanya getting what Earthrealmers call sex.
Really? Sex has never existed in Outrealm? Um, the emperor of Outrealm had children, you know. Kitana was born in Outrealm, she spent her entire life in Outrealm… so if all that was true, then how the hell has Outworld never heard of sex before? I could understand Mileena not knowing what sex is on virtue of the fact that she’s essentially a test tube baby meant to clone Kitana, but when you frame it like that? Um, no.
Tanya then climbs on top and moves his back and forth,
“Hey, what are you doing with my pen knife?”
“Moving it back and forth! Sorry about the stab wound in your abs, by the way. I couldn’t help myself.”
“As you say, lady.” *dies of severe blood loss three seconds later*
while Mileena strips naked herself.
“Don’t be scared, darling,” she said as she lays next to him watching Tanya ride his member. “Soon, you will be mine.” Just like that, she kissed him.
And then promptly got his face bitten off, because as it turns out, this is what’s hiding under Mileena’s veil:
How the hell the author didn’t realize that kissing Mileena usually doesn’t end well for anyone is something I can only attribute to the fact the author was likely masturbating while writing this.
Tanya began moving up and down moaning loud.
I see someone’s been watching too much porn…
Mileena rises up to suck on Tanya’s nips as she rides.
Oof, with all those sharp teeth in there? Either Tanya is secretly a sado-masochist in the bedroom, or the narrator is unreliable. Which you’d think would be tough in third person, but hey, what do I know, right?
“This man is so good, Mileena,” she says. Chris slowly moved his fingers toward Mileena’s vagina. She felt his fingers into her and she moved her hips.
And then promptly realized that his fingers had just into her, because the author a word in.
Tanya continued riding him. “I’m about to cum,” he said. She still rode him until he released his seed deep in her. Tanya led out a loud moan. She kisses him. “I see why you Earthrealm men are so dominant in bed.”
Wait, he’s dominant in bed? But, uhm, wasn’t it you who initiated the sexual advances? And wasn’t it you who was on top for most of it? In fact, when did Chris ever get dominant with Tanya or even Mileena? The closest it tends to get to Chris being dominant is when he leans over Tanya and presumably does her in missionary. That’s it: if Tanya then pushes him back and rides him, that’s generally considered a form of the lady topping, and that is not dominant of the male to do unless there’s bondage involved.
Honey, learn how power dynamics in the bedroom work before you write them there!
She got off him and dresses up. “See you around… big boy,” she said in a seductive tone. And with that, it was just him and Mileena.
And this will no doubt lead to more sex, right?
Well, the only thing I can say at this point is at least he didn’t go the sexual slave route. Yet. Knowing Mileena, it might go that way, but I’m not going to bother worrying about that for right now.
So… yeah. This fic delivered exactly what I expected. Shit on top of shit. Which is all anyone can expect of a fic that indulges in the kind of shameless self-promotion this author tried to pull off. If anything, that kind of shameless self-promotion backfired, and that just gets more hilarious when you consider that your little stunt in the reviews doesn’t even work as shameless self-promotion!
Anyway, that’s all for this week. I’ll see you guys next week!