So we get dialogue attribution right of the bat, and almost formatted properly, but to whom is Mr. [Name] De Vil speaking? And what’s with that dash at the beginning?
“slightly evil”? Does that mean he’s only evil on weekends and the rest of the time tries to be inoffensive?
Of what relevance is the fact that he’s thirty years old?
I think this author has earned a whole cookie, though – half for almost formatting the dialogue correctly and half for avoiding numerals in the text. I’m still not particularly optimistic about the rest of the fic.
-” Fortunatley, she got caught. Oh, that woman and her stupid dalmatians. People used to admire her, and for what? For stupid coats of lesser creatures. It sickens me even now…”
Seriously, what’s with the dash?!? Looking ahead, it’s before every set of opening quotation marks, which continue to have an incorrect space after them.
I’m taking away the author’s cookie.
And does this author not have spell check? That’s inexcusable.
He stood up and started walking around perfectly modern apartment. Everything around him was either black or white. Not only it reminded him of his older sister, but of his parents as well. His parents were both designers but they had always appreciated that classic “black and white” look.
And not only does this author not have spell check, but words get skipped amazing frequency as well.
So he doesn’t like his sister but his (It is his? That’s not actually specified.) apartment is still done in her signature “black and white look”? It sounds like he doesn’t realize that he’s allowed to make his own decor choices. That’s just sad at his age.
-” I guess I appreciate it too…”
So is he having a conversation with his thoughts? One side of the conversation is spoken aloud and the other isn’t? That’s just weird. When I have conversations with myself, I speak both sides aloud. Much more sensible that way.
With sadness in his deep blue eyes, Mr. De Vil remembered the day he got that magnificent Hogwarts letter, the day he found out that he will be a wizard. His smile spoke for himself, for the happines in him could not be bigger. Of course, that did not last for long because Cruella was very angry. She never got hers so she took his letter and ripped it to pieces. He was devastated and very angry. Later that day, he killed her precious dalmatian. They just had that kind of a relationship.
And now the tense is starting to drift. The fic is breaking up! Take cover!!!
::dives under desk::
I guess we’re ok for now, but stay alert!
She ripped up his letter – made of parchment, not alive – so he killed her dog – a living, breathing thing?!? That is so beyond normal sibling rivalry. That’s sociopathic. Are we supposed to sympathize with this killer?
Also, smaller point, but I have to ask – did the loss of the letter mean that he didn’t go to Hogwarts at all? Because that’s pretty dumb.
It made him think for a moment, but soon Mr. De Vil shook his head in an attempt to forget everything. He realised he doesn`t need that in his life anymore.
Yeah, don’t bother thinking, you’ll only get hurt.
But he doesn’t need what in his life anymore? Hogwarts? Because that doesn’t fit with the fact that he’s about to go there. Sibling rivalry? He was clearly overdoing it, so I guess it’s better that he move on from that.
-” It is my time now. After everything, I can finally prove that I am the genius one in the family. Everyone will look at me with respect and fear for I will move boundaries”
“Boundaries”? What the Snark does that mean? That word does not fit there. To demonstrate, I had out our resident sound expert Herr record that sentence for us:
That’s about how I hear that.
Standing in front of a big mirror, he repeated those words to himself once more, looking at the reflection. Mr. De Vil had very firm facial features. His black and white hair stood out even more because of the paleness of his skin. He wore black vest and the tie of the same color while the dress shirt was heavenly white and so was the coat. Gloves had to be red, so they match with the inner part of the coat.
So the presence of the mirror confirms my suspicions that he’s been talking to himself this whole time.
Other than the “firm facial features” – is he stone? – this description sounds a lot like Cruella de Vil:
So that’s a nice lack of originality there. And the author didn’t even do a good job of the description!
Now, only one thing was left to do.
-” Mr. Potter. Hmm… It`s so nice to meet you.”
Wait, is Harry there with him?!?
No, still talking to himself. Practicing in front of the mirror, I guess. Though why one would need to practice saying “hi,” I don’t know.
After saying that he looked distressed. It was not the kind of greating he wanted to give that boy. Walking back and fourth, he started to think out loud.
What other kind of greeting is there?
By the way, Urban Dictionary has no definition for “greating.” You know a misspelling is bad if no one has pretended it’s a slang word yet.
I’ve got nothing for “back and fourth,” but I can’t just let it slide …
-” Ok, think. It is his third year. I will be his teacher. There will be dementors all over the place. Naturally, the boy will be scared. And that is just…. Perfect! I need to look more powerful… Yes, let`s try again”
Oh, hey, a very specific point in the timeline! Have some cookie crumbs, author.
I’m a little worried about what he means by looking “more powerful” …
This time, he looked extremely serious.
-” Mr. Potter…”
He just stood there looking at himself after only saying the his name and realised that it shoud be enough. It is very distant, but just what he was going for.
Wait, does he want to be powerful, serious, or distant? Those are all very different things.
And why is he trying so hard to impress a student, anyway? I could get wanting to appear “teacher-y” to all of the students, but it’s a bit creepy that he cares so much about one particular student.
With a smile on his face, Mr. De Vil looked at the horror on his face could not be bigger.
And I have no idea what any of that means.
-” Shit, I`ll be late for the train”
He better not talk like that around the students!
He took his belongings and quickly ran out of the apartment.
And that was all the preparation he has done for his new role as a Hogwarts teacher.
I know a lot of teachers, so I’m pretty sure preparing to teach takes more than practicing saying a student’s name in front of the mirror. And he hasn’t actually been asked to teach. This could get interesting.
Join me next week to see just how interesting (or not)!