1473: Twitanic – OneshotPosted: July 15, 2016
Hello, dear Patrons!
I was browsing through my pile-o-fail the other day and thought to myself; “You know what I haven’t looked for recently? Twitanic fics!”
Because sometimes my brain really, really hates me and wants me to suffer. So why should I suffer alone?
For those of you who are newcomers in the Library, “Twitanic” is a name that numerous fanfic authors have given fics that blend together that town bicycle of fics, The Twilight Saga, with the 1997 film Titanic. This one is the fourth such fic I have worked on. The fics are completely unrelated, yet the exact same title keeps popping up. ‘Tis passing strange, it is.
This particular Twitanic is quite short in comparison to all of the others I’ve worked on, just a quick little oneshot to slake my thirst for this strange little side-fandom and give me a chance to wear my History Nerd hat. Let’s take a look at the summary, shall we?
Edward and Bella catch a ride on the Romantic Titanic for a Honeymoon right after the wedding in Breaking Dawn. They have a wonderful time till disaster strikes! Can Edward save Bella from the freezing Atlantic Ocean? Please R&R!
I don’t care if you tack “romantic” on to the name, if you call your cruise ship “Titanic” then you are just poking the hornets’ nest of fate with a sharp stick made of your own hubris. Unless this is the original Titanic, in which case – Wow. You aren’t do a very good job establishing the setting or time period, since the wreck and the wedding take place decades apart from each other and you’ve done nothing to link them together.
On to the fic!
My brain must really, really hate me.
Bella and I were standing on the bow of the ship I had my arm around her waist. “I love you, Bella.” I said kissing her neck.
I’m not really a fan of PDAs, but whatever floats your boat.
She twisted herself around so she was facing me and she pressed her cheek to my chest. She looked up and I pressed my lips to hers, they were warm and soft against mine.
:squints: I think someone may have just dislocated something, but I’m not really sure who or what.
“I love you too, Edward.” She whispered, I sighed she was so beautiful and lovely how could someone like me deserve her.
If the fic is true to the source materials, then you’re filthy rich and allegedly handsome. That hides a multitude of sins in some women’s eyes.
I looked over the dark sea and saw a large ice berg and the ship was heading straight for it.
Wow. Sudden iceberg is sudden.
The ship struck the iceberg on April 14th at approximately 11:40 PM ship’s time. What the hell are two newlyweds doing at the bow of the ship at twenty ’til midnight in freezing temperatures?
I quickly yanked Bella off me.
Wait. what? I thought they were just cuddling. What the hell were they doing that would require him to pull her off of his body? And why was she stuck to him?
Suddenly all I can think of is that scene in A Christmas Story where the kid gets his tongue stuck to the metal pole and I think I’ve been spending too much time around Syl.
Bella looked up to me confused. “What’s wrong?” she asked.
I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this, but you have cooties. And it’s a terminal case.
She followed my gaze and looked up to me again, when I didn’t say anything. “Edward, what’s wrong, I don’t see anything.”
Assuming that this Edward has the same near-invulnerability as the canon version, if he starts looking scared then you know some bad shit is fixin’ to go down.
I then realized that the sight of the ice berg was a bit too early for human eyes to see.
Could we try that again in English?
I looked up at the crow’s-nest and heard what they were thinking it’s a cold night, and I’m freezing. I wonder when they will give us binoculars, so we can see better and further.
It’s true that the lookouts were scheduled to have binoculars and that there were none available to them, but it would have made little difference given the conditions. It was a calm, moonless night and the principal means of spotting ice were either looking for waves breaking against the ice or by the reflection of moonlight off the ice itself.
It has also been theorized that the conditions were right for a cold-water mirage, visual distortions caused by a layer of warmer air above a layer of much colder air closer to the water, which would have essentially masked the iceberg until it was too late. It would also mean that Edward wouldn’t have seen the iceberg either, not unless his super-special sparklepire eyes can break physics.
Bella and I ran towards the crowsnest. I had my hand firmly around Bella’s wrist tugging her along.
So you ran, but she was really dragged along behind you like a kite on a string.
We reached the base of the crowsnest in about 1 minute.
They must have been running really damn slow if it took them that long. According to the schematics available online, the bow and the crow’s nest were separated by roughly a hundred feet of open deck.
“Hello up there” I yelled. One of the crew looked down. “What is it?” he yelled back.
Here’s a question; if you were on a ship that was on a collision course with an iceberg, would you really want to distract the guys whose job it is to spot said iceberg?
“The ship is heading towards an ice berg” I shouted.
Because of course a trained watchman in an elevated position ninety-five feet above the deck with a clear field of view would take the word of some dumbass civilian running around below him.
The man glanced at the Ocean in front of him and froze. “Oh God” he muttered.
That’s impressive; a whole iceberg just dropped out of the SDQF.
He rang the bell above him, and after a quick conversation with the rest the crew and captain they were all aware of the ice berg and were trying to avoid the crash but it was too late.
:deadpan: Oooh. Ahhh. Such drama.
What conversation? This is a sea-going vessel with a clear chain of command; the watchman rings the bridge to give the infamous “Iceberg, right ahead!” warning and the officer in command of the bridge (which was First Officer Murdoch; Captain Smith would have been asleep at that hour) would give the order to make a course correction. There’s no round-table discussion with the entire crew; it’s not like the bridge is going to send someone down to the boiler rooms to ask the stokers what they should do.
Ironically, it was trying to avoid the iceberg that caused the tragedy; if she had hit head-on, the bow would likely have crumpled like a car bumper, causing severe but survivable damage, and the ship would have remained afloat.
With a loud bang the ship collided with the iceberg causing huge chunks of ice to break of off the ice berg and come flying in towards Bella and me, I held tightly on to Bella and dodged a few flying ice and I batted away a huge chunk of ice with my arm.
So much daybooking.
Chunks of ice did fall onto the deck when the ship scraped against the iceberg, some of the passengers even played a game of soccer with a piece while they were waiting to board the lifeboats, but I don’t think they would have flew through the air like bullets.
I just hope that the ice berg didn’t cause any damage to ship; I have to figure out something before it is too late.
Bwa? Did he jump to the conclusion that something happened to the ship mid-sentence?
We walked inside, there were a lot of people rushing around, there were crew members handing out life jackets to everyone in a rush and then I understood that the ship was going to sink.
Really? Because even the crew didn’t immediately realize that the ship was going to sink. They were frantically trying to get the water pumped out and contain the damage – y’know, doing their jobs. The ship was billed as being “unsinkable” and everyone, passengers and crew, believed the hype. It wasn’t until after the damages had been assessed by the captain and the ship’s designer that it was determined that the Titanic was doomed. (Fun fact: forty-five minutes after the impact, the ship’s designer, Thomas Andrews, told Captain Smith that the ship could only remain afloat for approximately two hours. The entire sinking, from impact to the moment the stern vanished beneath the water, took two hours and forty minutes.) Once the gravity of the situation set in, it took time for the crew to alert the passengers since there was no PA system. On top of that, many passengers initially ignored the summons because they weren’t told the ship was sinking and preferred to stay in the warm cabins rather than go out on the cold and wet decks. Passengers refused to put on their lifebelts because they assumed the crew was joking.
A man walked towards Bella and me and handed us both a life jacket.
They have to share one?
“Bella put your life jacket on immediately.” I ordered her; she obeyed me quickly, I held on to mine.
Sparklepires can’t drown, so why does he need that? In fact, it probably wouldn’t do anything for him since sparklepires are described as having very dense, stone-like bodies.
I could feel that the ship was slightly tilting to the side and that one side of the ship was obviously heavier one side.
Once again, I return to easily available schematics to disprove this bullshit.
The Titanic had a series of bulkheads running across the width of the ship from port to starboard, but these bulkheads were not subdivided lengthwise from bow to stern because that would have been a really stupid thing to do. If they had been divided down the middle and one (or several) of these bulkheads starting filling with water it would have caused that area to become heavier, making the ship prone to listing and rolling over instead of dispersing the weight of the water across the entire width of the ship and keeping it relatively stable and upright.
That said, there was a slight list of five degrees to starboard at the beginning of the incident due to a passageway filling with water, but it quickly corrected once the water rose above that point. Towards the end there was a more pronounced list to port (up to ten degrees) due to the same reason (passages running the length of the ship filling with water first) but considering the frickin’ stern was lifting up into the air at the time I doubt that the list to the side would have been what most people would have noticed.
I rushed Bella outside to get her into the life boat before something goes wrong and becomes too late.
Weren’t you already outside? You were at the bow, then ran to the crow’s nest, then dodged some ice chunks. All that happened outside, right?
There were lots of people outside on the deck. Then a crew member announced “Women and children first.”
Except they were putting men in the lifeboats, at least in the beginning. The Titanic was supposed to be unsinkable, remember? Women were reluctant to leave the perceived safety of the ship to get into the relatively tiny lifeboats and many refused to go unless there were some big, strong men on board.
I can feel that each second the ship keeps tilting more and more to the side.
Seriously? The bow going down would have produced a far more noticeable slant; focusing on the starboard tilt is like running around crying “Help, my toilet is overflowing!” while your house burns down.
Bella and I were facing each other now, her hair swayed in the cool breeze. “Bella you have to get on the life boat now” I told her. “And how about you?” she asked.
Did I miss something? He’s still a sparklepire, right? This isn’t some AU where Edward is a human, is it? Because if he is human, then he definitely shouldn’t have been able to spot the iceberg before the lookouts.
This would be so much easier if the author had bothered establishing anything.
“Bella, you know that I don’t have to get on a life boat to survive, instead another soul can be saved.” I replied. Annoyed about why she would worry about me in a situation like this.
Yes, how dare she give any damns about what happens to you!
That is awful altruistic of Edward considering the canon Cullens care very little about anyone who isn’t a Cullen or Bella.
“Edward, I am not going anywhere without you!”She almost shouted
She almost shouted it, but didn’t because … She has laryngitis?
“You’ve heard what the man said, women and children first.” I said. I was very angry now and I didn’t notice the ship tilting even more.
If Edward doesn’t notice the ship tilting, then how can he include that fact in his first-person present-tense narration?
Then suddenly there were large cracking sounds and all the lights went off and the ship was pitch black, of course although it was dark I had no problems seeing and then with a loud noise the Titanic cracked in half.
:panting: Sweet mercy, who stepped on the fast forward button? We just zipped through several hours of very gradual sinking that should have been accompanied by a steadily growing panic.
Wait a second – he didn’t notice the deck tilting even though it was close to the point in time where the ship broke in half? Bullshit! The stern lifted so high the deck was at around forty-five degrees; that’s a pretty significant angle. Of course, the fic doesn’t bother describing that so it looks as if the ship pitched slightly to one side and then broke apart for no adequately explained reason.
Luckily Bella and I were on the back half of the ship where we were safe from the huge crack, but just in case I pulled Bella right to the back of the ship.
There were on the bow of the ship, and then by the crow’s nest. How in the hell did they get through a packed crowd of hundreds of increasingly panicking people to reach the stern? And when did they do it?
The other half of the ship went straight to the bottom. This half of the ship became vertically straight.
That’s a really bad daybook description of a very specific and well-documented series of events, and one that doesn’t mesh with Edward’s assertion that he can only feel the ship tipping sideways.
As the bow filled with water and became heavier, the more buoyant air-filled stern rose sharply until the stress caused the ship to fracture in two – creating that “crack” Edward so elegantly describes – near the engine room hatch just astern of midships. (The area around this “crack” would have been very hazardous, but it would have been dangerous before the “crack” even appeared since that’s the point where the deck was slipping under the water.) The stern portion briefly fell back into a near-normal orientation, but it was still connected to the bow portion by part of the keel. The bow portion acted like an anchor, dragging the stern down until it flipped and the deck was at a right angle. The keel separated and the bow portion sank to the bottom of the sea, followed shortly afterwards by the stern.
I quickly held on to her arm firmly with one hand and the railing with the other hand.
Sure you don’t want to stuff a few more adjectives in there, Sparky?
Many people slid down into the cold dark water. I held onto Bella so tightly that I am sure that I am going to bruise her.
Could you please pick a tense and stick with it?
Bella and I climbed to the other side of the railing so now we were facing the ice cold water directly. Slowly this half of the ship was starting to go down as well.
The description is so vague and daybook-y that if I hadn’t watched the film I would have no idea what was going on. And like I previously pointed out, once the ship broke apart it sank very quickly – approximately fifteen minutes, roughly twelve times faster than it took the bow to sink – because ships don’t generally float very well after getting torn in half and turned on end.
I can’t let Bella in the water she will probably die of hypothermia I have to do something before we reach the water.
If you’re laying on the outside of the railing watching the now-vertical deck disappear beneath you, you’ve got maybe ten minutes to come up with something to keep her out of that water. Maybe you can bundle together a few corpses to make a raft.
Bella looked at me “I love you, Edward.” She whispered and kissed my cheek, there were tears in her eyes.
I immediately wiped her tears “Bella, nothing is going to happen to you, trust me you’ll be just fine.”
And if you believe that, I’ve got some oceanfront property in Arizona I’ll sell you cheap.
The ship was still going down. I looked to the right and saw the ice berg and then a got an idea “Bella, hold on tight!” I told her. I swung her on my back swiftly.
He’s not going to do what I think he’s going to do, is he?
I took a deep breath and jumped a huge leap.
Fuck me sideways with an inverted cheese grater, he is.
I didn’t mind others watching us; I will do anything to keep Bella alive. After a short ride in the air I landed right on the ice berg.
“Short” being a distance of several miles, since over two and a half hours have passed since the collision and both ship and iceberg continued to move in opposite directions the entire time. The Titanic was chugging along at 22 knots (41 km/h, or 25 mph if you’re a fellow ‘Murican) at the time of the incident; it did slow down to maneuver, but would have still had considerable momentum. Hell, even after the bow broke off and sank it coasted nearly a third of a mile under the water in the direction it had been traveling.
I swung her off my back and held her in my arms. Her face was pale under the moonlight almost as pale as mine. I stared at her beauty and she stared back at me in awe. I lightly kissed her forehead and she gently caressed my face.
You’re clinging to the side of an iceberg in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, is this really a good time for this kissy-face “look how pretty we are!” nonsense?
We both looked out to see the sea in front of us. The devastating sight of the frozen dead bodies was unbearable.
And impossible since the ship is still in the process of sinking when Edward makes his jump/leap onto the :sigh: nearby iceberg. And while some of the passengers would have died very quickly, either due to cardiac arrest triggered by the sudden submersion in sub-zero water or simply by drowning, most suffered a slower death from hypothermia. There are many accounts of the eerie noise that filled the air after the Titanic sank; the terrible cries and moans that slowly faded into a ghastly silence. This fic skips right over that rich source of drama and goes right to the frozen bodies.
There were tears in her eyes again, probably troubled at the sight of the disaster.
Which she couldn’t see because she has puny human eyes and it’s pitch-black out.
I wiped the tears of her face and she buried her face in my chest, I hugged her closer.
Bella is on a giant hunk of ice floating in water that is below freezing and is spooning with a sparklepire who is physically cold to the touch even in a warm room; I fail to see how her situation is better than those poor bastards in the water. Even making it into a lifeboat wasn’t a guarantee of survival as some passengers died of exposure and hypothermia while in the life boats simply because it was so damned cold and wet.
“Bella, Bella, Bella you’re such a danger magnet, the unsinkable sank.” I said shaking my head.
Yeah, let’s blame Bella; it’s not like the general disregard for passenger safety that was widely prevalent at the time was a contributing factor.
There were inquests held in the US and Great Britain at the time, but it was found that the captain and crew were not at fault because they were following the standard practices of the day and chalked the accident up to an Act of God. If Bella really is at fault, then that would mean that she is …
I don’t want to finish that thought.
I watched her sleep, her face was peaceful and untroubled, and I kissed her. I love you Bella I thought.
I’m not a medical-type person, but given the conditions present and the high risk of hypothermia it is probably a bad idea to let her fall asleep. Unless she’s not asleep and Edward just became a widower.
About 4 hours later another ship arrived it was called Capathia. Finally the rescue is here after all the disaster.
This is a historical event with easily verifiable facts! Hell, you can read the original inquiries – both the British and the American – complete with eyewitness testimonies, online from the comfort of your home! This author can’t even bother getting the name of the rescue ship right; it was Carpathia, and it didn’t arrive four hours after Titanic sank. According to the official record the Titanic sank at 02:20 and the Carpathia‘s lights were first spotted at 03:30. She arrived at the scene and began rescuing survivors at 04:10, a long process that ended at 09:15. There was a lot of debris in the water and many bodies were found clinging to pieces of wreckage, but I can’t find any records of anyone using ice as a flotation device. There was ice in the area, the Carpathia encountered quite a lot ice as they sailed to Titanic‘s position so it could be assumed that there was some ice nearby, but taking shelter on an iceberg wouldn’t have increased Bella-cicle’s odds of survival because IT’S A GIANT PIECE OF ICE!
I need an adult beverage. See you next time, Patrons!