1470: My Little Unicorn: Magic is Believing (That still means nothing) Chapter 26

Title: My Little Unicorn:  Magic Is Believing
Author: Dakari-King Mykan
Media: Cartoon
Topic: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL:  None
Critiqued by Erttheking

Nora: Ert, I think the internet had a seizure.

Ert: Well i’ll be damned. The copy of My Little Unicorn that was on fim.net get deleted. Why? Can’t say. Well this is certainly giving me something resembling closure. Maybe I’ll be able to sleep at night during this.

Cornelia: Just one more, eh Ert?

Ert: Yeah, let’s get it over with.

Final Part: The True magic

Ert: WAIT! DON’T TELL ME! Is it believing? It’s believing isn’t it?

Nora: Nah, it’s “Friendship”

With Night Mare gone, all the Equestrians were free from their chains, but all were just gazing up at those large eyes in the sky.

Nora: Thanks guys. As always you’ve been a big help.

Ert: Once again Mykan seems to think that countries are one mile in diameter if he thinks that Nightmare Moon chaining up everyone and everyone seeing TotallyNotTitan!Thing in the sky is a reasonable thing to write.

Some of the little ones were hiding behind their elders.

Cornelia: And the writing got really odd there for a second. Like Mykan was trying to sound whimsical. And failing.

“Who are you?” asked Celestia.

The voice behind the eyes explained, “I am the one who has been observing you all for some time now- Watching you all as you took on those evil creatures that came your way, and bolding revealing every last bit of your magical skills and powers. Now I have all that I require.”

Ert: JUST SAY TITAN! You overly dramatic prick. No one is fooled, we all knew that you were coming back.

Nora: Mainly because Mykan spelled it out for us, assuming that we’re as dumb as he is.

Lightning gasped “That voice…! I didn’t want to believe it…” he said. His eyes narrowed, and he poised his hoof up high, “…Titan!”

Ert: NO SHIT SHERLOCK!

Cornelia: Mykan seems to be under the impression that if it’s a surprise for the main character, it’s a surprise for the reader.

Nora: Yeah, well, since when does he know how to write?

Everyone who knew that gasped…

Ert: Who knew that it was Titan gasped? Well then no one should be gasping because everyone in this story is an idiot.

“Titan?” cried Starla

“It can’t be!” cried Celestia “You said you defeated him.”

Cornelia: That’s kind of the problem. You defeated him. Defeating someone does not mean killing them.

Titan laughed in the darkness and explained what had happened…

Ert: Oh come on, we already know what happened. Do we really need a villain to explain themselves for the fourth time in this story?

When Lightning and Grand Ruler nearly destroyed him in Unicornicopia, Titan was prepared for this and reached into his back and pulled out a small blob from within his body, a special one filled with enough strength and energy that would one day allow Titan to be reborn.

Nora: I love how even when explaining how he survived, all Mykan can come up with is “He just kind of did it.”

Ert: It fits frankly.

The blob was cast out into Dimensional Space, and for all that time, Titan spent gathering strength and power, while at the same time, observing the Unicornicopians so that he could effectively destroy them by learned their every magic technique, and learn how to overpower it…

Ert: I think one reason I keep doing this job is the boost to my self esteem. I sometimes have a problem with run-on sentences, but I never made anything THAT bad.

Goeth: You pretty much have to splice them together.

Even if it meant using Night Mare, Discord, or even his own minions as disposable tools to gain the information he required.

Nora: The information of…what exactly?

Cornelia: Yeah he’s been doing this for awhile now. I know “Know your enemy” is supposed to be a really basic aspect of warfare, but Titan has prioritized information gathering over absolutely everything else. More often than not, he does it when he doesn’t really NEED information.

Ert: TL;DR villain is not allowed to be competent.

Twilight and friends had never heard of anything more despicable in it their lives… the fact that he would just use creatures, preferably ones that served him and then just toss them aside. “That is… by far… the most ungrateful, wretched thing ever!” snapped Rarity.

Ert: Oh I wish this story had come out a year or two later so that we could’ve brought up King Sombra. Are there any MLP villains that technically did worse than Titan in Seasons 1 & 2?

Nora: Nightmare Moon…Discord…sorry I got nothing. MLP was more focused on light-hearted adventure then.

Ert: Darn it.

“I never knew someone that could exist could be so heartless!” said Rainbow Dash “So… evil!”

Nora: Then you’re stupid. I mean, this world’s version of Nightmare Moon isn’t much better.

Cornelia: It’s hard to say which is worse, slavery or murder, but I think we can at least agree that they’re both comparably bad. In fact, killing a few people that no one will miss and were horrible people is a lot better than enslaving an entire population

Ert: Keep in mind that this is a Mykan population. With the way he’s been handling things, that’s probably around 50 people.

Titan laughed and said. “Well… sad to say it is. Now that Unicornicopia is gone, and even Equestria, itself, is in ruin, there only remains one final thing to do.” He cast his gaze upon The Grand Ruler “Have you any idea who you really are by this time…?”

Ert: No. Just nuke Equestria or whatever it is. No. NO. NO! FUCKING NO!

Nora: Cornelia get down. We’re going to need to be in the panic room for this one.

Grand Ruler looked confused “What…?”

Titan sniggered and revealed to everyone the secret… a story that had been only known from his former home world, the Dimension of Evil.

Cornelia: If it was only known from the Dimension of Evil, why did he ask if the Grand Ruler knew it?

Nora: Exposition?

Golden horned unicorns were rare species, and would have access to certain powers and magic that others could never hope to use themselves, but once every hundred-thousand years, an alicorn with three horns is born.

Ert: I can see that Mykan already got bored with talking about the golden unicorns and just moved onto the Grand Ruler. Because he’s not going to actually do anything with the gold unicorn thing. It’s just a throw away excuse as to why the Grand Ruler is so awesome.

This creature would, one day, grow to possess extraordinary powers, and master magic beyond the comprehension of many.

Nora: But golden unicorns could already do that! What makes one with three dicks, I mean horns, different?

Cornelia The ancient power of the author saying so.

Celestia herself, also possessed such power, not because she was born special, but for her interactions with the legendary tri-horned. Being with him for such a time began to unlock the magic deep within her as well, which was why she was able to tap into the uniforce despite not having a golden horn!

Ert: So the power of the golden unicorn/the tri-horned golden unicorn/whatever can simply be transferred to others by spending time with one? So shouldn’t all of the Grand Ruler’s guards have that power? And shouldn’t all of Lightning’s friends have it, considering the time they spent with him?

Nora: Shhhh…important people only.

Whatever power Grand Ruler possessed, Celestia was going to be entitled to share. She and he would be the most mystical creatures in the known Dimensional Universe.

Ert: That’s not saying much, considering how little is actually known about the Dimensional Universe.

Cornelia: We don’t even really know what it is or how it works. So is each dimension a universe onto itself? Or just one planet? Or sometimes not even one planet’s worth of life?

Titan was not about to let such a thing happen, when he felt it was he, himself, who deserved all the power and the title more.

Ert: What title? The power of most powerful being in known reality? Again, the whole “known” part makes it a flimsy title at best.

Nora: It’s not even official.

That was why he led such an onslaught of monsters against Grand Ruler’s kingdom. Though Grand Ruler was strong, his true power had not fully been awakened. He wished to destroy Grand Ruler before that happened, and then he would have it all. Not a single soul would exist that could stop him.

Cornelia: I’m struggling to figure out how the Dimension of Evil was able to learn about this…

“And now… here we stand.” That’s when Titan fully appeared, he looked almost the same as he always looked, but he was gigantic. His hands alone were as large as the whole group standing together. He laughed maliciously.

Ert: Ok, so we need a new look for Titan. What do we do?

Nora: Meh, make him bigger. Excuse me, I need to go deny the existence of the Holocaust (Mykan actually did something fairly similar to this once.)

Ert: Brilliant!

Everyone was just speechless, especially Grand Ruler. All this time he had wondered what reason it was for him to have three horns, and now he knew, and he knew what his destiny was. “Titan…!” he growled “I swear… even if my true power hasn’t been discovered… so help me… I’ll destroy you!”

Nora: So everyone else can see where this is going right.

Ert: Oh, it’s totally not about the Grand Ruler uncovering his true power at the last second and saving the day, right?

Nora: Totally.

“So shall I.” added Celestia

Everyone else stood tall and proud, but suddenly they realized that the elements of harmony, and the rainbow stones were gone. “Where did they go?” asked Artie.

Cornelia: The formless void is always a possibility. A lot of things seem to be slipping into it these days.

Nora: Hell, the formless void is actually an established place in this story.

“Look…!” cried Pinkie Pie. Everyone gazed up and saw Titan had them in his giant hand. “Oh…! Are these yours…?” he asked mockingly as he did the unthinkable… and actually crushed the treasures into dust. Their magical energies flared out in soft explosions and were gone.

Ert: So everyone is so clueless that a giant with the hands the size of buildings can grab something right next to them and not notice.

Nora: Is it too late to see if everyone in this story is blind, deaf and dumb?

Celestia and Grand Ruler gasped in shock and everyone else felt beyond what words could explain. No one ever thought it possible actually destroy the elements of harmony or the rainbow stones just like that. “I can’t believe he has that much power!” cried Luna.

Ert: Yeah, his power level is way higher than the last guy we defeated after he achieved nothing!

Nora: Problem #5002 with this story is that it really should’ve stopped the first time they beat Titan. But it just kept going

Ert: And going and going and going and going and going and all work and no play makes jack a dull boy all work and no play makes jack a dull boy and all work and no play makes jack a dull boy and all work *Smacks self* sorry.

“A little sample of what’s in store for ALL OF YOU…!” Titan shouted as he grabbed Grand Ruler and Celestia in his hands. “No…!” cried Lightning and Twilight.

“Put us down…!” demanded Grand Ruler.

“Put us down this instant…!” growled Celestia.

Titan’s eyes shimmered once. “As you wish!” and the inside of his hood began to glow mysteriously like a swirling vortex and he hastily threw them inside and they were gone.

Ert: *Looks up at the Dark Knight reference” Oh that doesn’t count. The Joker would’ve turned them into smears on the ground. Not dump them in wherever.

Twilight and Lightning were devastated along with everyone else. “He… he… did it!” cried Twilight as tears began to form in her eyes.

“No! They… they can’t be…!” cried Lightning.

Titan explained that they weren’t dead, yet.

Nora: Is it false drama if even the story admits that its false drama?

Ert: Yes. Because the story is still trying to score cheap points.

Cornelia: It doesn’t really make sense. What does it contribute? Does Mykan think that his readers are sitting on the edge of their seats?

“They have merely been infused inside of my very magical essence.”

Ert:….ew.

“They’re inside of you…?” asked Applejack.

Ert: EW!

“YES…!” bellowed Titan “And every second they remain inside of me, their energies and magic are being infused into me. Soon they will be no more, and finally… I shall have complete power and strength to rule the entire Dimensional Universe!”

Nora: It’s that easy huh? Their power is all the power than you need to rule over all of reality? So reality is that easy to make over?

Ert: I feel like I could take over with just a couple of rusty swords.

Everyone’s anger began to peak. “GET HIM…!” Lightning shouted, and everyone fire their best attacks, but it was no good. They had used up a lot of their powers fighting Night Mare, and even so, their biggest attacks were only the size of insects compared to Titan’s enormous size. He felt nothing but slight amusement.

Cornelia: Wait, how can they have drained power from the Nightmare Moon fight? Most of them only joined that fight towards the end. Or are these people so anti-climatic that they wear themselves out after only using one attack?

Nora: Hey, it could be worse. They could get tired before then. There are powerful light breezes around here.

He chuckled and then raised his huge hand. “Everyone, watch out…!” cried Lightning and everyone dashed out of the way as Titan actually managed to use the, “UNIFORCE…!” drained from Celestia and Grand Ruler inside of him. Such a large and powerful energy blast flew straight through the ground of the kingdom and right out through the other end, which badly disrupted the force points that held the kingdom together.

Ert: You know Mykan, I get that you’re not very original and tend to recycle plot ideas, but can you at least tended to wait for more than one chapter before refusing entire plots. This is only similar to the last chapter, when

Despite having missed any of his victims Titan didn’t care. “You’re fate is now sealed.

Ert: YOUR! YOUR! YOUR YOUR YOUR! IT’S FUCKING YOUR! For fuck’s sake Mykan. You’re = you are.

I’ve disrupted the force point,

Nora:…Yeah. That.

and in just a few moments there will be bust of energy erupting from the ground so massive it will reduce the remains of this pitiful dimension to a dust cloud, taking all of you miserable creatures with it! I, on the other hand, won’t be affected, with the power of your two leaders inside of me; my massive strength will protect me with everything there is.”

Cornelia: *Tilts head* Well their power didn’t do anything to protect Celestia or the Grand Ruler when the Grand Ruler’s realm blew up. So how does it work? Is there a certain power limit that you need to reach in order to be safe from dimensions blowing up?

Ert: Ugh. I don’t even.

All hope now seemed completely lost for everyone, but Lightning. “No…!” he growled “I won’t let this happen!” and he began to charge straight for Titan. “Lightning…!” screamed Starla

“He’s crazy!” cried Dyno.

“Come back…!” called Fluttershy

“He’ll be beaten…!

Or worse, eaten!” cried Rhymey

Ert: *Sharpens axe* One swing. One swing is all I need. A nice clean cut, he won’t even feel a thing. Or maybe he will, I don’t care.

Nora: Again with these moments. The moments where the author has too many characters and feels the need to give all of them at least one token line. Except Mykan hasn’t even gotten around to giving lines to half of them yet.

Despite calls and protests from the others, Lightning refused to head back, and continued to charge, much to Titan’s annoyance.

Cornelia: This again? I thought we had moved past Lightning blindly charging in. Then again I thought we had moved past Lightning being the main character. Seriously, he hasn’t done much for awhile.

Ert: Well when in doubt, have Lightning be an idiot. I suppose. I can feel my brain sagging.

“Pitiful fool…!” he fired a ray of energy from his eyes nearly hitting Lightning and creating such and explosion that it threw him back, but he just got back up and tried again.

Titan blasted at him again, and again. “What’s he doing…?” asked Twilight “How can he just keep getting up like that?”

Nora: How can he keep getting up? Titan isn’t even hitting him. It isn’t a major accomplishment. Mykan, why are you so determined to make us thing that unimpressive things like this are things to be proud of?

Ert: I don’t have the psychological training to profile him.

All anyone could figure was that Lightning was determined to get at Titan,

Cornelia: That’s like saying that he’s stupid. We figured it out a long time ago.

despite all the odds being horribly stacked against them; he wasn’t willing to give up!

Ert: See above.

He wasn’t going to let his master, The Grand Ruler, or Princess Celestia be threatened by any oversized demon sorcerer.

Cornelia: This is what happens when you don’t know what words mean. Threatened? Titan already threatened them. It’s too late to stop him from doing that. You can stop him from carrying out his threats, but that’s about it.

“I’ll… get them… out… SOMEHOW…!”

Nora: I am cliched person who never gives up despite having no reason to be so strong willed. THINK I AM AWESOME!

Titan had had quite enough of this foolishness,

Ert: The ultimate failing of an author. Making the reader agree with the villian.

and prepared to blast Lightning to bits, but as soon as he fired, two large portals appeared right over Lightning, one absorbed the blast, and the other transferred it right back at Titan as if it had made a U-turn. “A’RGH…!” Titan roared after being hit by this own power.

Nora: Ok, whoever did that get out of this story, that was officially far too smart for this.

Ert: Yeah, general rule of thumb. If it’s in Berserk, My Little Unicorn hasn’t earned it.

“Huh…?” wondered Lightning and then he said, “Krysta…!” and the other fairies were with her. “Did you miss me?” Krysta teased.

Cornelia: Ah right. Her. How did she know to come here? How did she know that everyone else needed help? Why didn’t she go back to help them before when they were trapped underground?

Ert: And could she always create portals in this manner? From what we’ve seen, the purpose of her portals were purely for transportation, not redirecting attacks.

The other fairies began to evacuate all the other creatures of Equestria to the Safe Dimension, and while Titan was still stunned from his own blast.

Nora: That place must be getting pretty damn cramped. I hope it has the food for two separate populations. The fairies were the ones who were held dominion over that dimensions, they eat less than unicorns, and they haven’t been actively growing crops in it. So. Yeah. They’re all going to starve.

Krysta ushered everyone huddled in close to her. She knew Grand Ruler and Celestia were inside, “So you’ll all have to get them out.” she said, she wouldn’t listen to what anyone else had to say, and told them all to get inside Titan’s hood using the same technique she had just used.

Cornelia: So it seems like Krysta is the Dues Ex Machnia for this chapter. Krysta. Krysta. The fairy that never contributed much early on, needed to have the narration point out when she actually helped, and generally was kind of a butt monkey.

Ert: Ok, I take it back. Mykan was telling the truth when he said he was moving through as quickly and as sloppily as possible. I hope he’s proud.

She formed one portal near everyone, and the second directly near Titan’s head. “Go, now!” she shouted, and she and everyone else jumped through. They popped out through the other portal and could feel themselves being pulled in by strong winds that were Titan’s breathing, and all fell into the blackness of his hood and into that vortex.

Titan could only roar in extreme outrage.

Nora: *Snort* Not just any outrage. EXTREME outrage. The new Ghostbusters isn’t getting slammed as hard as people want it to outrage.

Inside of Titan was nothing anyone expected. It was like being a dark realm, with dark swirling colors and lights.

Ert: Uh, considering the way this story has gone with Titan, this is exactly what I was expecting. What exactly was everyone else expecting? Gumdrops and rainbows?

Nora: It’s not impossible. They are a little thick. I think the Grand Ruler intentionally made them that way.

Spike felt himself getting queasy, and his cheeks turned green. “Oh…! I think I’m going to hurl…!” he groaned.

Ert: The DRD will be over to see you shortly Spike.

Twilight lifted him onto her back. “This place is just… it’s just…”

“Interesting…!” exclaimed Brain “Most, most, most interesting! I wouldn’t have believed it possible!”

Cornelia: Right, because his gimmick is that he’s a scientist. I guess Mykan thinks that scientists are completely detached from reality. And secretly keep spaceships underneath their houses.

“Yeah, yeah… it’s breath-takin’.” Said Applejack “But what in tarnation are we supposed to do now?”

“We must find Celestia and Celesto.” said Luna “We cannot allow Titan to absorb their energies any longer.”

The only trouble was where to start looking. All ways round they couldn’t tell which way was up, or down, or anywhere round, and the swirling dark colors and lights made it harder to tell.

Nora: Ok, here’s a super complicated way to tell which way is up. You know where you’re standing? Ok, look up. There it is! Ok, we’ll start from the top again so that no one gets lost. Look. Up. That’s up.

Ert: DUMBASSES!

“Oh boy…!” groaned Spike as he felt his stomach gurgling, and in his dizziness, he thought he could see something up ahead. “Is that…?” He shook himself awake and looked up ahead. “Look over there!”

Cornelia: I am a little uncomfortable where he’s going with this. The last thing I want is Mykan describing dragon vomit.

Nora: Ew.

Everyone could see Grand Ruler and Celestia being held by slimy magical tentacle-like thinks by all four of their limbs, and their horns. They just remained like that with their eyes closed. They looked pretty weak and a little dehydrated as well.

Nora: Tentacle-like “Thinks.” Wow. Just wow. Also tentacles. Ew.

Cornelia: And they’re dehydrated. Even though they’ve been here a grand total of five minutes. Is Titan draining them of fluids too?

Ert: Ok another rule. If it’s in Dune, it’s not allowed to be in My Little Unicorn.

“Princess!” cried Twilight as she ran to her mentor’s side “Princess Celestia! It’s me, Twilight. Wake up, please!”

Lightning walked over to Grand Ruler “Master…? Master, please…! Don’t let Titan do this to you.”

Nora: I think there’s a bit of an echo in there.

Ert: I think Mykan didn’t catch the difference between being inspired by something and stealing something.

The two royal alicorns

Ert: ALICORN OR UNICORN! MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MIND!

didn’t even move as if they couldn’t hear a thing, and Titan’s voice could be heard as his huge eyes actually appeared in the darkness above them. “Go ahead. Waste your tears over those, soon to be no more, fools.”

Nora: Holy crap, I had no idea that I could look inside myself like this! Oh…oh jeez there’s a lot of crap in here. I seriously need to do some spring clinging. Ugh, the minions left their crap all over the place.

Twilight roared angrily and fired a magical beam at the eyes, but her blast only went through them. “It’s just an illusion…” said Abra “He’s trying to torment us with lies and deceit! Don’t listen to him.”

Cornelia: GAH! When did you get here?

Ert: The character blob in this story is getting out of control.

It was so hard for the others not to, with the royal alicorns getting weaker, and Titan getting stronger; his constant taunting seemed to have quite an effect.

Nora: Seemed. So it didn’t really. Words mean things Mykan.

“Your precious rulers have given up on all of you. The friendship, harmony, and believing have failed them just as they have failed all of you. They know the end is coming. They’ve abandoned you… to me!”

Cornelia: Uh. The point of telling a lie is to tell a lie that people will actually believe. These lies are so divorces from reality that only absolute morons would believe it.

Ert: No shortage of those around here.

A lot of the others, felt hurt. Twilight even had tears in her eyes for actually letting Titan get to her. His evil laugh made her sag down on her bottom. “No…!” she cried “The princess would never do this.”

Nora: Yeah, because, well, she didn’t. She was kidnapped. Also, come on Mykan. Your characters are just as dumb as the flanderized version of Twilight over here.

Ert: Dumber really. We’ve got a longer resume of stupid from them.

“You monster…!” roared Luna “Cease filling our heads with these lies!”

Nora: Oh, ok. Because you asked so nicely.

“We’ve got to keep trying!” said Lightning. Everyone tried as hard as they could to break the tentacles holding their leaders, but they were so incredibly strong and didn’t budge an inch. Rarity really wished they had the elements of harmony now, and the twins wished they had the rainbow stones.

Cornelia: How come only Dyno and Myte wanted the stones that are supposed to be the thing that would save them all?

Ert: And how come they didn’t already absorb the powers of the last one after Serpent-Terror died?

“Forget them…!” snapped Lightning. This made everyone gasp in shock, but Lightning gazed up at his mentor.

Nora: Don’t rely on the MacGuffin? WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO!? LIGHTNING IS A HERETIC!

Ert: Thanks for letting us know that the rainbow stones were a waste of time Mykan. We always knew it, but it was nice to get a confirmation.

“Sire… listen, I’m not giving up. I know you can hear me!” His master still didn’t move or open his eyes, and neither did Celestia. “Twilight, help…! Just talk to the princess.”

Cornelia: She’s been doing that Lightning. Why would it work now? I mean we know it’s going to work now, but why?

Twilight didn’t understand at first, but figured it worth a try. “Princess Celestia… I’m here. We’re all here.”

The two students did their best to wake their mentors- telling them that they were both strong creatures who taught them both well, and one thing Twilight and Lightning learned was never to give up. Everyone on the entire Dimensional Universe was now depending on them and all their subjects. “Believe in us!” cried Twilight.

Ert: Yeah, believe in us! We’re telling you about how great YOU are (In summary because Mykan can’t be assed to write it out) and because of it you should believe in US! This is what happens when you mindlessly push believing without putting any thought into it. It just doesn’t match with the story you’re telling.

“Believe in them…!” said Lightning.

A small groan escape form Grand Ruler’s throat, and he opened his eyes, “I… do believe!” he said.

“Me… too…!” cried Celestia as she awoke.

Cornelia: Well, people started saying the b-word. That’s the signal that the plot is done with tension and is ready to end.

Nora: That’s how tension works right? We make the enemy seem threatening until someone says a single work right?

Ert: I THOUGHT I SAID IT WASN’T ALLOWED IF IT WAS IN DUNE! And at least when Feyd-Rautha Harkonnen programed a gladiator slave to freeze up when he said a single word, it’s because we KNEW that he was setting up a fight so that it would look like he would be in danger but not really.

Grand Ruler’s three horns began to glow and shimmer brighter than ever.

“What’s this?” Titan’s voice growled “It cannot be!”

Nora: OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! That thing I brought up at the last chapter for no real reason? It’s becoming relevant! NO ONE COULD HAVE EVER SEEN THIS COMING! NO ONE!

Grand Ruler was beginning to unlock his secret hidden powers from deep within, thanks to everyone believing in him and Celestia. “Everyone, continue to believe!” he told them “We will get through this together!”

Ert: Pft. Yeah right. We’ll continue to get through this together…by relying on your new BS power. You pulled that out of your ass so violently that there’s still a little bit of feces on it.

Cornelia: Ert, really?

Everyone closed their eyes, and concentrated hard, which made Grand Ruler glow brighter than ever, and Celestia began to glow too. “Celestia!” her fiancé

Nora: Yeah, we kind of remembered. What does it say when a story has to actively remind people what their roles are?

“Will you help me? Will you lend me your strength and purity to help us vanquish this terrible evil?”

Celestia wasted no time in answering. “Yes! Celesto, I will help you!” Her body began to glow brighter, and everyone else felt themselves being teleported.

Ert: Oh right, they can do that. Question. Why didn’t Krysta just used her portals to get everyone out of Titan’s….thing? She could’ve done that.

Cornelia: Apparently Mykan thinks that talking about vague concepts gives people power. Like things are only real if you think about them.

Ert: Oh fuck me, he believes in post-modernism.

Titan felt really strange inside. “This can’t be happening!” he growled as the heroes emerged through his hood in beams of light. “We’re out…!” cried Krysta.

Starla looked up in the sky and gasped, “Look…!” Everyone gazed up and saw Grand Ruler and Celestia, still glow, and spinning round and around and merging together as one.

Nora: Uh. Well. This.

What everyone saw next left them beyond words- A giant humanoid creature with pointed ears with long golden hair and four golden horns on its head. It had gold and silver armor, wings. It wore a skirt with the colors of Celestia’s mane and tail, and a cape as red as Grand Ruler’s.

Ert: I’m not entirely sure what about it leaves them beyond words. Unicorns in this world were basically humans anyway, mainly because Mykan wouldn’t know creative design if it bit him in the ass. The only thing that makes a difference is bring colors, hair, and another horn.

Nora: This is getting silly. I’m not even sure if compensation jokes work here. But I’m sure as hell gonna keep making them.

The rainbow rod left Lightning and dashed up to the creature, transforming into a long and powerful scepter.

Cornelia: Normally he has to summon it up, so did he have it on him?

Ert: If we say yes can this be over faster>

Everyone was so fascinated by this creature. Part Princess Celestia, and part Grand Ruler. They had become a creature known as, “GRAND CELESTIAL RULER…!” it shouted in its fused, god-like voice.

Ert: *Sigh* Once again, Mykan proves himself to not be that great at coming up with names.

Titan glared furiously at the creature as The Ruler said to him. “Titan…! In the name of every creature you have harmed… of every dimension you have infected and destroyed… Your time to answer is now!”

Cornelia: Answer? What was the question?

Nora: Uh…I’ll go with door #3!

Titan growled with his fists clenched. “You forget…!” he sneered, “I still hold enough of your powers… AND I CAN STILL FIGHT YOU…!” His shout echoed as he leapt up into the air, ready to fight.

Ert: Sure. Whatever. I’ve long since given up on trying to figure out how power/energy/the force/whatever the fuck it is works in this story. Sure, he managed to get some residue because it works like that. Whatever you want buddy.

Nora: Not like it matters. He’s going to lose.

He missed his first strike and The Ruler blasted him hard, but then Titan managed to flip around and blast right back. The two forces seemed equal in every possible way and continued to fight to what seemed like an endless brawl, and it looked like anyone’s win.

Cornelia: You know, most “endless” brawls tend to have more words describing them than fifty. This one didn’t even get that many.

Ert: 48. Come on Mykan. Your prose is already thin and vapid. You’re making it worse with stuff like this.

The decaying kingdom was already beginning to break up and fall to pieces just as Titan had promised. Krysta suggested that everyone go with her to the Safe Dimension. “No…!” snapped Lightning “We can’t just go…! We’ve got to try and help somehow.”

Nora: Let me try charging in again! It failed the last dozen times I did it, but maybe this time will be different!

Goeth: Lightning, I think that lump in your head might be a tumor.

“But how…?” asked Fluttershy “The elements of harmony are gone.”

“So are the rainbow stones.” added Buddy Rose “We don’t stand a chance without them.”

Ert: Wait, WHAT!? When the hell did THAT happen!? *Looks back* I can’t find it anywhere! Was Titan suppose to do that

Lightning felt himself about to really lose his temper. “What’s with all of you?” he shouted. Everyone gazed at him like he was a big bully gazing down at a helpless foal. “You’re all missing the whole point of how we got this far… we don’t need any treasures or weapons to fight. We’ve had the magic inside us all the time.”

Ert: FUCK! YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU LIGHTNING! You don’t get to act all high and mighty when you’ve been using the Rainbow Rod as a crutch for half of the series, and when you would’ve DIED if you hadn’t used the rainbow stones! You DO need treasures or weapons to fight Lightning. Because when you fight without either, you are FUCKING PATHETIC! So fuck you Lightning! Oh, and the fusion that’s fighting Titan? USING A WEAPON! Fucking hypocrite.

Nora: So blah blah blah, four of the I don’t even know people gathered give half assed speeches and then the Grand Celestial Ruler (Ugh) summons up the “mystic force”. No, the story doesn’t explain what that is.

The scepter glowed brighter and brighter as the most powerful of magical light began to pulsate from it. The Ruler whirled the scepter round and around many times, poised it at Titan, and fired the biggest energy force straight at him.

Ert: I don’t know how his prose manages to get more childish and more meaningless with every chapter. “The most powerful of magical light?” “The biggest energy force?” So is it not the most powerful magical darkness? And does it being big mean anything? I just…UGH! Nora, scotch me.

Nora: Bottoms up.

Ert: *Sips* GAH! What is this!?

Nora: Scotch. Lightweight.

“No…!” roared Titan as he stuck out his huge hands and held the force back with his own strength preventing it from going any further. It was totally unbelievable, all that power and Titan was still managing to stay strong, much to The Ruler’s outrage and shock, but it kept on firing the beam, but it didn’t move at all.

Cornelia: It’s note really unbelievable. You know why? Because this is the exact same thing that happened the first time they fought Titan. The Grand Ruler used his power, Titan was able to hold on despite everything saying he shouldn’t, but then Lightning jumped in and saved the day. Also believing.

Titan also laughed hard and maliciously “Even you if you defeat me now… I returned once before… AND I SHALL CONTINUE TO LIVE ON… FOREVER…!” He was hinting that he would only perform the same trick he did last time, and was quite confident that he would survive.

Ert:…I fucking hate you.

Nora: “I hate you!” he said, implying that he didn’t very much like the man.

“Think again, Titan…!” called a voice from down below.

“Huh?” Titan looked below and saw Lightning and Twilight standing on top of a rock pile. Both were glowing madly, and so were all their friends behind them, and in the sky… Krysta and all her fairies had conjured the biggest portal anyone though imaginable which showed all the other Equestrians, and Unicornicopians in the Safe Dimension… all were glowing, and showing their true powers by believing in themselves, their friends and loved ones… and especially, believing in the power to destroy Titan for good!

Cornelia: Yeah, I knew that it was going to work out this way. Mykan…why? Why have Titan not die the first time that you had the heroes fight him if you were just going to bring him back and then have him beaten in the exact same way?

Ert: Because he can’t write.

“Titan…! This is goodbye!” shouted Lightning.

“From all of us!” added Twilight.

Cornelia: That didn’t really add anything Twilight.

Nora: EVERYONE NEEDS TO HAVE MORE LINES, I DON’T CARE HOW FORCED THEY ARE!

“No…!” shouted Titan as the army of creatures launched their power into a second extremely powerful beam that crashed right into him. Titan could feel his inner magical body beginning to break up. “NO…! THIS CAN’T BE HAPPENING…!”

Ert: It can’t be happening! Even though it already happened before! I apparently suffered FUCKING BRAIN DAMAGE and didn’t realize how similar things were because Mykan couldn’t write a compelling or interesting villain to save his life.

Cornelia: There there, we’re almost there.

he shouted as he felt the two forces shoving him out into Dimensional Space, straight for the Dimension of Darkness, and shouting his final words “CURSE YOU…! CURSE… YOU… ALL!”

Goeth: If this is anything like actual space, the chance of someone being shot out of a planet and the shot just happening to line up with another planet is…impossible.

He burst right through the dimensional barrier, and crashed into his world so hard with the mystical light, the entire dimension exploded into dust, and was completely wiped out from existence and with it, all the evil that ever came and possibly would come from it.

Ert: Wow, they destroyed an entire dimension. And when they do it, they’re the good guys.

Nora: Hypocrisy! Thy name is Grand Ruler.

Everyone cheered in such joy and a seemingly never-ending cry of victory, but the dimension they were in began to quiver and shake. It was ready to blow. “Everyone, quick!” cried Krysta “Into the portal!”

Cornelia: Explosions are always so polite in fiction. They always wait until just the last second.

Ert: It’d be such a shame if the heroes were turned into pile of red goop…wouldn’t it?

“Whoa…!” cried Spike as he was nearly engulfed by a fiery burst. “You don’t have to tell me twice.” Then he and everyone else hastily jumped through the portal, but Lightning and Twilight stopped when they realized Grand Celestial Ruler was just remaining where it was, not even moving. “Hey…!” called Twilight “Come with us…!”

Nora: Why isn’t the fusion going with them? Oh Christ, please don’t tell me that Mykan is squeezing in one last fake out.

Ert: Of course he is. Blah blah blah, false drama, he misspells barren as baron and everyone except the fusion goes into the portal. Everyone starts crying over the TOTALLY DEAD CHARACTERS before the utterly obvious p

Just then, there was a bright flash of light, followed by a voice saying, “There is no need to grieve.”

Everyone gazed up and saw Grand Celestial Ruler appear in the skies alive and well as it did have the power to do pretty much anything.

Cornelia: Pretty much anything. Should we congratulate Mykan on ending his story with a literal Dues Ex Machina?

Ert: I guess defeating Titan by themselves doesn’t qualify

Everyone cheered for joy again. Titan and his evil demons were gone, and hopefully soon forgotten. They would never threaten the Dimensional Universe again. However, both the Equestrians kingdom and Unicorns’ had been virtually demolished and were now in ruin.

Ert: THERE IS NO FUCKING VITALLY YOU DAFT PRICK! THEY’RE GONE!

Nora: Ok, let’s get to the end before he blows a gasket.

“We have no place to live now.” cried Pinkie Pie.

A lot of the ponies felt very upset, and few began to cry, but The Ruler assured them that not all was lost. The cost of victory was high, but there was still hope.

Cornelia: I ‘m honestly surprised they’re not trying to say that they could live in the Safe Dimension. I mean we pointed out why it wouldn’t work, but they’re not smart enough to have noticed it.

“Do you know why I was able to emerge and defeat Titan?”

Ert: OH GEE! LET ME FUCKING GUESS!

Nobody seemed to have the answer to that, except for Lightning. “Is it because of our believing? Our faith…?”

Ert: OH GEE, WHO COULD’VE SEEN THAT COMING!?

The Ruler nodded and explained it did not beat Titan alone. “We all did this together.

Ert: No you fucking didn’t, shut the fuck up.

Every single one of you helped out in a great way, and while the cost of victory was high, all is not completely lost.”

What it was hinting was that although the two kingdoms had been destroyed, there was still hope to start over, “Just trust and believe, and together… we can all piece together what we have lost.”

Nora: So through the power of believing, they can put entire dimensions back together. You know, if believing is this powerful, how come there was ever a threat in the first place?

Cornelia: Because balancing out threat levels and having characters acting rationally is below Mykan.

Ert: Fuck it I’m tired of this shit. Let’s just take everything in one last go.

Everyone decided to try and, and all at once made a full circle around the entire dimension, joining hoofs, and claws together with The Ruler in the very center. It raised its scepter up high as everyone shunt their eyes and looked deep inside and focussed on everything.

All at once, everyone began to glow as their believing… their faith… everything pure that they could feel flowed from their bodies in small beams of soft light that slowly moved towards the tip of The Ruler’s scepter, and two mystical beams shot out towards the dead kingdoms out in Dimensional Space and broke them up into tiny specks of light which began to hover all around the Safe Dimension.

It was like a twister of light and colors as the dimension began to expand and transform. All the towns and villages from both kingdoms began to reform, only better than before with combinations of the two lands.

All the lakes, plains, meadows, valleys, cites, and mountains… It was all coming back, together. All three dimensions and reformed and were restored as one, whole new world. When all was done, the last bit of magic had separated The Ruler back into Celestia and Grand Ruler.

The two rulers stood tall and proud as they faced their friends and subjects…

…It was time for a new beginning.

Ert: No. It’s time for a FUCKING ENDING! We are done with this fucking story, and thank Christ for that. Dues Ex Machina everything back into existence so that there was never any real loss in the first place.

Author’s note:

There’s an Epilogue coming too

Nora: We may cover it. Maybe not. Ert is losing his mind over here.

And Don’t any of you get any rude ideas into your heads. I’ve seen fusions like that lots of times, even between male and female. It’s happened before.

Ert: That isn’t the main concern. The main concern is it not making any fucking sense. But hey, that’s par for the course for you.

Nora: We’re done…we’re finally done.

Ert: Whoo…slot up that Gundam fic Yoshi was talking about. Even if it’ll be stupid I doubt every last sentence will make me want to stab myself in the eye with a pen.

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19 Comments on “1470: My Little Unicorn: Magic is Believing (That still means nothing) Chapter 26”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    “I never knew someone that could exist could be so heartless!” said Rainbow Dash

    So apparently she knew of people who were that heartless, but… happened to be made of very unstable compounds?

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    Celestia herself, also possessed such power, not because she was born special, but for her interactions with the legendary tri-horned. Being with him for such a time began to unlock the magic deep within her as well, which was why she was able to tap into the uniforce despite not having a golden horn!

    Ert: So the power of the golden unicorn/the tri-horned golden unicorn/whatever can simply be transferred to others by spending time with one? So shouldn’t all of the Grand Ruler’s guards have that power? And shouldn’t all of Lightning’s friends have it, considering the time they spent with him?

    Presumably, it is transferred by semen.

  3. AdmiralSakai says:

    That’s when Titan fully appeared, he looked almost the same as he always looked, but he was gigantic.

    Twice nothing is still nothing, though.

  4. AdmiralSakai says:

    and even so, their biggest attacks were only the size of insects compared to Titan’s enormous size

    At first I read this as “and even so, their biggest dicks were only the size of insects compared to Titan’s enormous size”.

  5. AdmiralSakai says:

    Inside of Titan was nothing anyone expected. It was like being a dark realm, with dark swirling colors and lights.

    This passage brought to you by the Voldemort scenes in My Bleeding Crimson Despair.

  6. AdmiralSakai says:

    I guess Mykan thinks that scientists are completely detached from reality. And secretly keep spaceships underneath their houses.

    My secret is out.

  7. AdmiralSakai says:

    It’d be such a shame if the heroes were turned into pile of red goop…wouldn’t it?

    Wait, this story had heroes in it?

  8. BatJamags says:

    Alright: here it is. I’ve uncovered it.

    This is it:

    The Grand Ruler’s true plan.

    See, Titan never really came back to life. In fact, he was quite dead, or if he survived, he has yet to return. So, who sent Discord to destroy Unicorninopia? The Grand Ruler. And when Titan returned in Equestria, what was really going on? A simple illusion conjured by GR. GR (bringing Celestia along to make it look convincing) entered his new illusion and used it to destroy Equestria. Note that he didn’t actually do any damage to any of his favorite cronies.

    Then, he further allowed his subjects to “help” him “defeat” his illusion of “Titan,” before wiping out the Dimension of Darkness personally because he’d already convinced everyone that they were evil. With this done, GR was able to use what remained of the three dimensions to create a new kingdom in his own image, free of those he considered “unworthy,” who had naturally all perished in the blasts. What does he stand to gain? An entire population of new subjects, greater political power, and broader geographic influence with more natural resources as a staging point for his interdimensional takeovers.

    Of course, what is Celestia’s role in all this? I’m not sure. Maybe she’s a willing collaborator, though what little I know of MLP makes that unlikely. Maybe she’s just being duped like everyone else. Or maybe she’s dead and GR is just using her image to pull the wool over the Equestrians’ eyes.

    Regardless, Grand Ruler wins, and everyone else loses.

  9. Delta XIII says:

    Cornelia: I’m struggling to figure out how the Dimension of Evil was able to

    …steal the rest of this sentence?

  10. Delta XIII says:

    “He’s crazy!” cried Dyno.

  11. Delta XIII says:

    Starla looked up in the sky and gasped, “Look…!” Everyone gazed up and saw Grand Ruler and Celestia, still glow, and spinning round and around and merging together as one.

    Discount Fusion Dance.

  12. Delta XIII says:

    Ert: It’d be such a shame if the heroes were turned into pile of red goop…wouldn’t it?

    Yes.

    https:www.youtube.com/watch?v=WTmqNTpB2fU

    Yes it would.

  13. SuperFeatherYoshi says:

    So you’re doing that Code Geass crossover? Maybe I can offer some help, since it references some really obscure side stories of SEED Destiny. (You have watched Destiny, right?)

    • erttheking says:

      Actually since I released it covered Destiny, I switched gears. You put up a Mass Effect XCOM crossover in the suggestion box WAY back when, and I feel much more comfortable tackling. Plus the sheer idiocy of the first chapter “What design should the ships use? Also, what should the plot be?” makes that story feel like a gold mine.

  14. TacoMagic says:

    Titan’s eyes shimmered once. “As you wish!”

    And that is when the Grand Ruler realized that Titan was really saying “I love you” the entire time. They married, settled down, and had seven poorly-defined children in an equally poorly-defined way. The end.

  15. TacoMagic says:

    I’ve disrupted the force point,

    *Erases a force point from his character sheet*

    I hate it when GMs arbitrarily dock the players points.

  16. "Lyle" says:

    Thank. Fucking. God. This piece of crap… I don’t even have words for how much I loathe Mykan. The only fic author that puts more of his own jizz on the screen is fuckin’ EP. I can’t believe you got through this one, Ert. Well done.


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