Fifth Annual Sucktastic Awards CeremonyPosted: July 11, 2016
Hello patrons, and welcome to the Library. I’m Herr Wozzeck, and today, we’re rolling out the results of the Fifth Sucktastic Awards! It’s time to find out which is the worst of the worst for each category all of you voted in! Who is the worst Mary Sue? Who had the worst trivialization? Who had the dumbest plotline?
Will I stop asking these questions and get to the actual ceremony?
This year, we actually had a couple of very close categories: some went down pretty much to the wire, and there were contests being decided all the way up to the final hours of voting. What will those be? Well, let’s find out.
Without further delay, here are the awards!
The Worst Abuse of Thesaurus goes to:
When You’re Strange
This category actually counts as an upset: in a category with The Great Rift and Celebrian, When You’re Strange actually managed to pull ahead of an otherwise rather close category. So that in itself is rather remarkable.
But then again, it’s not unwarranted. With descriptions involving purple prose and a use of Webster’s dictionary definitions, it’s not very surprising why this fic won. And fortunately for us, it won’t be the last time we see this fic on the list.
Most Blatant Use of Plot Regurgitation goes to:
A tie between My Little Unicorn: Magic is Believing, and Nightmare Before Christmas: Bambi Style
A lot of the categories this year were very, very close in the voting. Nowhere is that more apparent than in this category, where both contenders were constantly fighting for the top spot.
But in the end, both of them won it out. And why wouldn’t they? It pretty much counts as plot regurgitation whenever you just take the canon already in place and replace the characters with those from another canon with no rhyme or reason to do so, after all. And then there’s the whole-sale rip-off of MLP: FiM episodes that Dakari King Mykan continually pulled in My Little Unicorn. Both of these turds came out on top in the end, and deservedly so!
Most Epic Mary Sue goes to:
Taren Shepard from When You’re Strange
This category was also very close. But in the end, who can really deny the award to the trigger-happy quarter-turian hybrid who always seemed to forget she was three quarters human? It also didn’t hurt that she was lifted up by a very healthy dose of moral myopia on the part of the fic, and the fact that she constantly did stupid shit yet was supposed to be a likable character also contributed.
An honorable mention goes to Witchy!Sue from Poison, who was only one vote away from tying with Taren. It takes quite a feat to tie up to Taren!Sue!
Most Epic Gary Stu goes to:
Lightning Dawn from My Little Unicorn: Magic is Believing
Honestly, this should be surprising to no one. Given Dakari King Mykan’s philosophy on character development, it should be no surprise that Lightning Dawn turned into as epic a Gary Stu as he did. After all, he was the bland hero with no character development that just got all the powers because the plot said he had to have them. I’d go on, but that’d be more effort than was put into the character himself.
An honorary mention goes to General Siegfried of Hammer Effect: he was the only one of this year’s batch of Gary Stus that gave Lightning Dawn any kind of fight whatsoever.
Awesomest McEvil goes to:
Titan from My Little Unicorn: Magic is Believing
And just like how DKM’s philosophy on character development gave us the bland Gary Stu that was Lightning Dawn, it also gave us an equally bland, one-dimensional Awesome McEvil for him to play off of. Titan was just evil for evil’s sake–and the voters caught on, as this was one of the few categories this year with an obvious lead throughout the entire voting process. You really have to hand it to DKM: his philosophy on characters may not be good writing, but it’s certainly good for earning awards like this!
Biggest WTF Moment goes to:
Welcome to the Host Club, Pumpkin San! for the fact that the reader is a pumpkin.
Well, all I can say is that this one isn’t that surprising. For as harmless as the actual fic itself was, you can’t deny that its premise was one of the most bizarre things to hit the Library this past year. I mean, the reader is a sentient pumpkin, and the characters give feelings to it like it’s a person? Say whaaaaa?
An honorable mention goes to the turian hybrid business in When You’re Strange, which really made old Pumpkin-san fight for this award.
The Award for the Award for Redundancy Award goes to:
Kamen Rider Ryuki: A Rider’s Persona
This category almost resulted in a no contest vote. But in the end, you absolutely cannot beat Kamen Rider Ryuki: A Rider’s Persona in terms of how its narration loved to insult the intelligence of anyone who read it by giving a clear idea of what emotions the characters spoke certain lines with and then stating the emotion in narration one sentence later. Let us never hope we get that kind of stupid redundancy ever again, shall we patrons?
Highest Jumping Shark
When You’re Strange for the scene where Taren Shepard clawed out Kaidan’s jugular after his attempted rape of her.
In another two-candidate race, this award essentially came down to Trapped and When You’re Strange. Unfortunately, Hydra’s sudden appearance in Trapped was not enough to overcome When You’re Strange.
And that, my friends, is for a good reason. This particular shark jump is that rare kind of shark jump that effectively destroyed the story around it. The entry into it was stupid, the moral myopia supporting Shepard’s excessive violence was stupid, the turian-centric justification was stupid, and the author’s reaction to the people who criticized this scene was the cherry on top of the stupid sundae. It’s rare to see one single solitary scene that ends up coming to define the entire fic for the worse, but When You’re Strange produced exactly that.
Most Obvious Author-Insertion goes to:
M3/Chris from Trapped
Voting for this one was interesting: early polls tended to favor Grand Ruler from My Little Unicorn: Magic is Believing as the winner. But as the race dragged on, M3/Chris eventually picked up steam, both for the author’s admission that it’s a self-insert and for the fact that it features all of the typical EP goodness we’ve already seen. Oh, and that we all know his name is Chris from his stupid Facebook fuck-up related to From another world.
I really wish I didn’t have to go into why this is actually a bad thing, but unfortunately…
Biggest Douchecanoe McAsshat goes to:
M3/Chris from Trapped
As one of the reviews stated: EP might want to work on creating a likable character before he goes any further. I mean, M3/Chris may not quite be Buster in terms of how not to write a hero, but he came pretty damn close considering how happy he was to threaten to rape pretty much every woman he bumped into. Newsflash, EP: threatening to rape someone is not cool, and it is especially not cool when you do so to manipulate people into stepping in line.
An honorable mention goes to Willy Wonka in Everyone Likes Chocolate: it’s not easy to make someone who freely throws around rape threats fight for their award, but Willy Wonka managed to do that with his gross insensitivity towards Bridget and mild pedophilic urges.
Lamest Duck goes to:
Lightning Dawn from My Little Unicorn: Magic is Believing
For as many broken powers as Lightning Dawn gets, that never truly defined his Studom. No, what defined his Studom was how little he did with it: he usually hid behind his friends, only stepping in when he was required to land the finishing blow on the monster of the week. You’d think this would be a truly odd thing in a fic that tries to decry the power of friendship as seen in the show, but you’d be wrong, and that only adds to the lameness of Lightning Dawn.
Most Featureless Void goes to:
Everyone Likes Chocolate
It’s not very often that a fic like this comes along. Sure, this formless void was pretty formless, and it’s pretty insane that so little was described about the setting in general that Taco couldn’t give his customary physics rant since the box that stopped the burglar’s bullet had literally no description at all. But it’s a special kind of fic that actually gives the Formless Void an appearance, and an accurately-described one at that! And for that, this fic easily took this award.
Least Connection to the Source goes to:
Big Hero 6 stay at Five Night’s at Freddy’s
This category one of the closest categories of the entire Sucktastic Awards. At one point, all four contenders were involved in a tie, which is no small feat considering the contenders.
But in the end, Big Hero 6 stay at Five Night’s at Freddy’s won out for the utter pointlessness of the Big Hero 6 characters. Half of them did absolutely nothing, the one that did could just as easily have been an original character, and all it really became was plot regurgitation of Five Night’s at Freddy’s. Which it didn’t even do well, considering it used the name of the game and not the actual in-game restaurant as the setting…
Weirdest Crossover goes to:
Nightmare Before Christmas: Bambi Style for being a cross of Nightmare Before Christmas and Bambi.
What was even the thought process behind this crossover? An innocent bildungsroman about a deer versus a dark, twisted tale about a holiday takeover? What was even the thought process that went into this? And it’s even stranger given that the “crossover” essentially consisted of Bambi characters being pushed into the NBC plot.
An honorable mention goes to the Halo and Eragon crossover of John and the Dragon Rider. It kind of eludes my reasoning why you’d want to write a crossover with Eragon, but you’d think it would be with something that wasn’t a sci-fi video game franchise.
Most Unintentionally Hilarious Line goes to:
“Dylan Jackson, medic and armoire.” from Deadliest Warrior: Rebecca vs. Ahsoka
This is the kind of line that only a misused word’s mother could take seriously. This line really says everything that needed to be said about this take on Deadliest Warrior: if the author couldn’t even be bothered to use the right word, then why should we take his heavily biased analysis seriously, right? Plus, the image of a movable closet trying to heal people on the battlefield is just hilarious.
An honorable mention goes to “releasing the feeling of his penis” from Hammer Effect, which did not make it into the ballot due to an oversight on our part. We have no doubt it would have won in a landslide, though, so we’re mentioning it here.
The Squick Award goes to:
Trapped for… well, do I really need to explain?
Well, actually, I might have to, considering the shocking fact that this was the closest category of the entire Sucktastic Awards. The only thing I can say is that it was a fic in which the main character enslaved and threatened to rape pretty much every woman in the story… and he was a self insert. Oh, and need I mention the one sex scene where M3/Chris drugged his sexual partner with literally the same exact tablet she drugged him with?
Fortunately, the competition he faced was a worthy opponent: throughout the entire voting process, Trapped was neck and neck with Celebrian over the whole “orc rape” thing, and in fact it came down to the very last vote to see who came out on top in this tussle. If any fic could’ve made Trapped fight for this award, it was Celebrian, and we give major props to Celebrian for trying.
Worst Romance goes to:
M3/Chris and Everyone from Trapped
Fortunately, Trapped did not have to fight too hard to get this award. Even discounting the whole “threats to rape” and “slavery” thing, M3/Chris pretty much had every woman in the fic either express attraction towards him or otherwise just have sex with him no other reason than “because he’s a man, and he’s the author avatar”. Oh, and it was also pretty much nothing but sex. Do I really need to explain this award?
Worst Trivialization goes to:
Trapped for its use of slavery and threats of rape.
It also didn’t have to work too hard to get this award: from the get-go, this fic was a clear winner in every way. And really, this is self-explanatory: we’re seriously supposed to look at M3/Chris as the good guy when he constantly threatens to rape people to get his way? And then he takes sex slaves, and they enjoy their time. Um… no. No, no, no, no, no.
Squigliest Time goes to:
This category was also fairly close: this idiot plot about a man and his video game actually faced stiff competition, particularly from Poison. However, at the end of the voting process, Sonic.exe pulled ahead by three votes. And all I really have to say: four tense shifts in a paragraph. That’s set some kind of record at the Library!
Whiniest, Most Immature Character goes to:
Alex Killian from Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors
Well, all that morally myopic bitching about Irontown had to be good for something, right? Alex Killian was an easy contender for this award throughout the whole process, and with good reason: he just could not shut up about how bad those wolves had it, and how evil Eboshi and Irontown was. Which made it all the more delicious irony that Alex just couldn’t see past his own bullshit to see that Irontown was kind of in the same boat. You have to love when a character’s bitching pretty much disregards all the moral ambiguity of the source, you know!
The Bashing Award goes to:
My Little Unicorn: Magic is Believing for bashing the entire canon of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
This category was surprisingly rather close throughout most of the voting, with When You’re Strange‘s Kaidan bashing fighting for votes.
But in the end, you just can’t beat out a fic written by a man whose entire purpose for writing the story was to “inject reality” into a canon he purports to hate with every fiber of his being. You’d then ask why he ripped off the plots of specific FiM episodes and why Lightning Dawn can only coast by on the power of friendship, but then I’d remind you that DKM lives in a self-sustaining delusion and that it’s really not worth asking how that’s supposed to make any sense.
Worst Wardrobe Porn goes to:
This category was also very close: Kamen Rider Ryuki: A Rider’s Persona led the polls for the first half of voting, but then once the second half kicked in it pretty much lost whatever steam it had.
And, keeping in Trapped‘s tradition of giving EP awards across two consecutive Sucktastic Awards, this fic deserved it. I mean, its description of a bullet-proof hoodie? Um, what? And why is it that it obsesses on what women wear so much? It’s a bizarre trend of EP’s, and it’s just one of many that continued from Jasmine cumslut into Trapped. At least this time it described clothes that actually covered nakedness…
And finally, Most Obvious Troll goes to:
Garfield Effect by ShakespeareHemmingway
This was easily the most obvious category in this year’s Sucktastic Awards. And for as much as we can all say that The Marissa Games was a great trollfic, Garfield Effect is just that much better. There’s something so unabashedly sincere about its worship of Garfield as the ultimate 80’s action hero that we can’t help but love it even if we’re sure we’re not expected to believe it’s genuine. And for that, it won our hearts, and this award.