1468: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors – Chapter Twelve, Part Six

Title: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors
Author: Stone-Man85
Media: Movie
Topic: Princess Mononoke
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Chapter Twelve
Critiqued by SC, Drake Ironpoint, Glasses, and Half-Rims

No Iris today?

Drake: Craziest thing, she put on warm weather clothing because it was nice and sunny out, and then all of a sudden she comes down with a cold!

Ouch.

[*sniffle* *cough* Fugg eberydink. -Iris]

Drake: So hey, who’s the new girl?

???: Me? Oh, I’m just here for this week, you shouldn’t worry yourself about it.

Drake: Aw, come on, that’s no way to be. It’s just me asking your name, no need to be all timid about it!

*Glasses wanders in*

Glasses: I brought popcorn and booze, let’s get this sexy party start-

???: Oh!

Glasses: Oh!

O hai, Half-Rims!

O hai, Half-Rims!

Drake: Oh, that’s what her name is.

*Glasses and Half-Rims stare at each other for a moment*

Half-Rims: …Um… h-hello, big sister! How are you, today?

*Glasses hisses and takes a few warning swipes in Half-Rims’ general direction*

Half-Rims: …Bad day?

Glasses: Eliza wouldn’t let me read her yaoi fic.

How terrible.

Glasses: She’s being so mean! I didn’t even do anything!

[…Except mess around with her guns and accidentally shoot her bunk full of holes, that is. -Rose]

So, quick intro for Half-Rims: She and Glasses aren’t actually sisters, she’s Glasses’ evil twin. But the two of them are the only pair who get along really well, so they may as well be sisters.

Glasses: She’s just so friendly!

*Glasses skips her seat and hops onto Half Rims’ lap like a kitten*

Half-Rims: Aww~

She’s also the single most modest and least sex-driven twin of the bunch, which is really the only reason Glasses has any excuse for calling her evil.

Glasses: It’s like Doofenshmirtz evil, though. You can’t be mad at it because it’s just too endearing.

Right, anyhow, the riff.

Hello, and welcome back to Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors, by Stone-Man85! I’m your host, SC, and last time, Doc did a riff, Transitions was brought back from the dead-

*Glasses and Half-Rims both gasp in terror*

-And then was killed off again-

*Glasses and Half Rims both sigh in relief*

-And after much talk of eating Alex, some asshole who works for Shishigami came in and put a stop to his well-deserved death, but hopefully only so that Shishigami can whoop his ass himself.

Listen, I can dream, alright?

I’d introduce my guests here, but I already introduced the new kid on the block, and you guys know the other two (if not, Drake’s been in like three riffs ever so it’s not like it’d be hard to look back and see who he is, and Glasses doesn’t take long to figure out), so let’s just get right into this mess!

Much as I would rather not.

I mean, yeah, I’m a custodian IRL, but…

Alex frowned for a moment then buried his hands in his pockets, “I guess I really don’t have much of a choice,” he said finally.

Drake: And don’t you ever forget it.

What?

Drake: I dunno. I just felt like saying that.

“Lead the way, then.” When these words were said, the apes chattered happily and took the youth by the hands, leading him onward. ‘I guess this is just one of those nights,‘ he thought to himself as he was gently pulled through forest.

Glasses: One of what nights? One of those nights where your yarn ball runs away and you can’t find it anywhere?

Half Rims: One of those nights where a mouse runs under your feet after watching a scary movie?

Drake: One of those nights where you forget to un-transform yourself from your fox form and almost get permanently stuck that way?

I’m not sure Alex is capable of experiencing any of those things…

Before San moved to follow them, she noticed something out of the corner of her eye. When she moved closer to the object that had drawn her attention she kneeled down to get a closer look.

Drake: And then it punched her in the face!

No.

Drake: You’re no fun.

It was Alex’s jacket; the one that the apes had taken from him as she picked it up.

Half Rims: She was picking up the jacket… while the apes were taking the jacket… shouldn’t it be torn in half, then?

It’s secretly made of silly putty.

Glasses: Ew, who would wear that?

Probably Syl.

Drake: Why?

Silly putty is surprisingly good at catching glitter!

But at the moment, questions were buzzing into her head about the outlander: Where did he come from?

Hell.

What kind of armor was this she was holding?

An RPG would classify it as “cloth armor.”

And why did he kept mentioning he had ‘something inside of him’ that the apes shouldn’t have?

Glasses: Because they want his c-

Half Rims: CATNIP!

Glasses: …I was going to say cu-

Half Rims: CUL DE SAC!

Glasses: You said sack, I win!

Half Rims: Darn it!

It’s psychically impossible to out-modest Glasses’ naughtiness.

So many question raced through San’s head, many of which she could find no answers to.

Drake: “If you have twenty apples, and you eat half of each one, how many whole apples can you make?”

…Ten?

Drake: YOU’LL NEVER KNOW.

But it’s ten.

Drake: NEVER.

But-

Drake: KNOW.

She wished that her mother were there, for perhaps she would have been able to answer those illusive many that taunted her.

Illusive many? Haunting?

GUYS.

SANNABE IS BEING STALKED BY THE ILLUMINATI.

Glasses: …Well now we’re all gonna “disappear” because you went and said that.

With a dejected sigh, the Princess Mononoke tucked Alex’s jacket under her arm and ran off to join her reluctant,

human companion.

Waiting for the end of that sentence had me so full of antici…

…pation.

Perhaps some of her questions would be answered as soon as she reached the ape’s hidden dwelling.

Half Rims: Or they’ll just throw their poop at her.

And I would mock her relentlessly for it.

Drake: As if you haven’t been doing enough of that already.

Good point.

Deep in the Forest

Village of the Apes

Two movie titles that didn’t quite make the bill.

The moment Alex laid eyes on the Ape’s home he found himself lost in stare.

Drake: Whoops! My bad, I thought I cast that spell on myself because I was starting to get a bit drowsy.

Hence why you hit Alex instead, I’d imagine.

Everywhere he looked, he saw apes.

Well, I mean, you’re in their village, bro.

Glasses: What? Who honestly goes to an ape village expecting there to be apes in the village?

…Your tone suggests that you weren’t joking when you said that, and that worries me.

Either scurrying around the trees and rocks, sitting together chattering in a language he couldn’t understand, or…

Drake: Making waffles!

He suddenly felt as though the blood were draining from his face when he saw the group of apes huddled around a fire, making tools. The fact that they knew how to make fire was unsettling enough, but making tools! That was just too much.

Drake: Well, they’re gonna need fire and tools to make their waffles, man.

What is it with you and waffles, all of a sudden?

Drake: I REALLY FUCKING WANT WAFFLES!

“Hey,” San said nudging him slightly, “Are you still awake?”

*Alex* “Nah, bruh, I’m dead.”

*San* “Oh, okay, cool, just figured I should make sure.”

It took a while for the youth to answer her, “I suddenly understand how Han Solo must’ve felt when he was brought to that Ewok village,” he said quietly before continuing forward.

San frowned and cocked an eyebrow, “What in the name of Shisha-Gami…is an Ewok?”

I’ll let this buzzer answer that question!

*SC smacks a buzzer*

Shit Nobody Cares About: 22

Which is not to say nobody here cares about Star Wars, we just don’t care about Star Wars IN THIS FIC.

Glasses: I’m noticing that buzzer seems to have a much broader use than what you said it would.

How’s that?

Glasses: Remember when you said this?

So the new buzzer will count primarily for the curse, but also for other shit Stone-Man85 insists on repeating over and over again.

…Well, it still counts for those, yeah. But I’m finding more and more that there are a lot of things that fall under the category of “nobody cares about this,” hence why the buzzer has such a broad definition.

Half Rims: It’s amazing how one person can cram so much irrelevant stuff in one fic.

My poor counter isn’t gonna survive this riff…

They were lead through what looked like ape’s village’ square. A small clearing where no trees grew. As the two humans stepped onto the soft grass that covered the clearing, they suddenly became aware that they were being watched.

Drake: Let me guess, by the apes?

Apes, of all shapes and sizes, Crouched in groups that dotted the clearing and watched the two human’s every movement with great interest.

Drake: Yup.

They seemed especially interested in the young outlander with the fair-skin and dark tousled hair.

Why am I not surprised…

Glasses: It’s very easy to guess who the fic is about, based on how much attention he gets as compared to literally anybody else.

I mean, don’t get me wrong, if your story is about a certain character, you should focus on them. But you should also give some measure of attention to the OTHER important characters at some point too, you know?

A few of the younger apes soon decided that watching the strange looking intruder from a distance was just not enough to satisfy their curiosity, and scurried towards him. They jumped and pushed each other over for the chance of being the first to see the human up close.

Alex watched the young apes curiously as they circled around his feet, peering at his every feature as though he were some sort of specimen being studied by a group of scientists. Some of the more bolder members of the group even went as far as to grab tiny handfuls of his jeans and tug at them before scurrying away.

Oh, but human kids are just being annoying fuckers when they do it. Yeah, sure, Alex.

As time passed more and more of the young apes soon joined their friends in pawing and tugging playfully at the human’s clothing. Before long, even some of the older apes joined in the examination.

Alex looked over at San for assistance, but found that she had taken up a spot on a rock far from the crowds of groping primates. The look on her face showed that she was finding this whole ordeal amusing.

Glasses: Admittedly, so am I.

Yep.

Drake: You know, this actually sort of happened to Iris once. Except, it wasn’t curious poking and prodding. More like a bunch of angry hunters trying to stab her for ruining a boar trap. They could have just said their village hadn’t eaten in a few days, it didn’t have to escalate like that…

And she was indeed.

Half Rims: No she wasn’t! I’m indeed!

No you’re not, you’re Half Rims.

Half Rims: …Oh!

Glasses: She gets a bit forgetful at times.

Bring the traveler of time to me…

*Probably Shishigami* “And prepare his ass, for it shall be kicked this night.”

The clearing suddenly grew silent. Even the juveniles who had been chattering loudly and jumping about ceased in their movements.

I wish to see him…Bring him to me…

The voice was soft and flowed through Alex’s mind like gentle streams of water. “Who said that?” he asked turning about, looking in every direction. “Who’s there?”

All will be explained in time my young traveler of time…Now come forth so that these ancient eyes might look upon you at last…

Drake: Okay, so that was actually kind of not-shitty writing.

Which means it probably wasn’t Stone-Man85’s.

And on that note, thanks for reading, folks, and stay tuned for next time! Blah blah blah bunch of words to fill out my ending properly because I can’t fucking think of anything for some reason. In the meantime, I’m SC, and on behalf of Glasses, Half-Rims and Drake Ironpoint, I’ll see you next time!

Glasses: …Hey, wanna go watch porn?

Half-Rims: Uh… no…

Glasses: Why not?

Half-Rims: Because it’s indecent!

Drake: …Well, yeah.

That is kind of the point.

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20 Comments on “1468: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors – Chapter Twelve, Part Six”

  1. BatJamags says:

    Drake: “If you have twenty apples, and you eat half of each one, how many whole apples can you make?”

    None, unless you have apple-glue to put the halves together.

    See, this is why I’m bad at math: I keep trying to find loopholes in the story problems.

    • SC says:

      Oh don’t worry, I’m guilty of that, too.

      “Why the hell would two trains be coming at each other at different speeds on the same track?! Are they TRYING to kill all their passengers?!”

    • GhostCat says:

      Same here. It’s like “John has ten chocolate bars, he gives two to Susie in exchange for three toffee bars and eats three chocolate bars and one toffee bar. What does John have now?” “Ants and a greater chance of developing tooth decay and obesity?”

  2. BatJamags says:

    She wished that her mother were there, for perhaps she would have been able to answer those illusive many that taunted her.

    Illusive many? Haunting?

    Hmm… It does say “taunted,” but I read it as “haunted” as well. This can’t be a coincidence. Clearly, the Illuminati changed it after the first time I re

  3. Glasses: Eliza wouldn’t let me read her yaoi fic.

    Cain: I probably want to know who’s in the fic.

  4. TacoMagic says:

    As time passed more and more of the young apes soon joined their friends in pawing and tugging playfully at the human’s clothing. Before long, even some of the older apes joined in the examination.

    But the apes did not fully appreciate their strength and in their pawing accidentally ripped the poor lad apart. But, the day was salvaged when they realized how delicious human flesh is.

    The en-

    *BZZZT*

  5. TacoMagic says:

    I wish to see him…Bring him to me…

    With a thick cream sauce and a bottle of Beaujolais.

  6. Swenia says:

    Glasses: …Hey, wanna go watch porn?

    Assemble the Committee of Indecency! It’s movie night!

  7. "Lyle" says:

    The fact that they knew how to make fire was unsettling enough, but making tools! That was just too much.

    Except, you know, apes make tools ALL THE FUCKING TIME.


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