1467: My Bleeding Crimson Despair – Chapter 6Posted: July 8, 2016
Hello, dearest Patrons!
I’m here with the very last chapter of MBCD!
:sounds of a throat being cleared:
Oh, and Syl’s here. Again.
“You could at least fake being happy about it; you look like the kind of gal with lots of experience in faking things.”
:glares at Syl: Don’t hold your breath. Actually, scratch that – do hold your breath.
“Sorry, not my kink.”
I’m shocked. Anyway, back to the fic. After sexy-times with Draco, KaytSue ran into Evil Eve and immediately confessed the act and generally acted like a bubble-headed moron.
“Business as usual, really.”
After that, PedoHarry decided to confront Draco about the pair’s relationship, which he knows about because blue, which leads to Draco confessing his feelings for PedoHarry and the two start making out in front of Draco’s classroom full of twelve-year-olds.
“I was wondering, does that count as credit towards their Sex Ed grades?”
Probably not; I don’t know how it works in the UK, but most US schools don’t teach Sex Ed as a separate class. Even if they do teach it there, Hogwarts doesn’t have any classes that might be found in a normal curriculum.
On to the last chapter!
Chapter Six: Bleeding Hearts Bleed
“WAH-HOO!” :runs to the door and flings it open: “DARLINGS!”
:agents flee in a panic, screaming and crying:
I may dislike every fiber of your being, but I have to admit that you’re very good at getting rid of DRD agents.
“Y’know, that’s not the only thing I’m very, very good at.” :winks:
:spritzes Syl with a spray bottle: No! Bad minion! Stay on your side of the desk!
Forest of thorns you’ll brave
Bring me back a black rose
And then you will learn
Why bleeding hearts bleed…
Gah. More poetry.
“I don’t see what the big mystery is. In my experience, hearts bleed because they have puncture wounds in them.”
You should write greeting cards.
She stood on a battlefield, clutching Draco’s corpse to her chest, sobbing hysterically…a meteor fell on the horizon…a snake slithered up to her…
Ummm … :flips through notes: Did we skip over something? Why is Nameless, whom I assume is KaytSue, standing on a battlefield with Draco’s corpse? And why is the corpse sobbing?
“Cleary it’s an allegory; love is a battlefield and she fucked Professor LeatherPants to death and he’s crying because she’s very bad at it. It’s all very tragic.”
If she literally killed him with sex, then it wouldn’t be an allegory.
“So I’m a bit fuzzy on the proper definition of ‘allegory’.”
They why did you use that word?
“Makes me sound smart.”
:Ghostie sighs deeply:
She dropped Draco and picked up the snake…
Didn’t take her very long to get over him.
“It’s just a rebound snake, it’ll never last.”
It crawled up her arm and down her body…disappearing under her skirt…
If that was its intended destination, it took a very convoluted path the get there.
“Sometimes the journey’s half the fun. More so if you’re ticklish.”
Kaytlynn woke up gasping for air. Her stomach felt hot…strange…funny…
That’s what you get for eating nachos before bed.
“I get that way after eating rutabagas before bed.”
Why would you eat rutabagas before bed?
“Do I disparage your snacking habits, little miss ‘sorts her M&Ms by color’?”
Lots of people do that!
This year had been really weird so far.
You should try spending a year in the Library.
“It’s definitely in my top five strangest places.”
She needed to get out, go do something.
Bathroom’s down the hall, third door to the left.
“I thought that was where you kept the saber-toothed cats?”
Shhh! She doesn’t know that.
Kaytlynn got out of bed, her porcelin skin glimmering against her ebony lacy neglige. She walked out of the Gryffindor dormitories and went to the astronomy tower.
“Sure, hasn’t everyone had the sudden urge to walk around their school in the middle of the night while wearing a wooden nightie?”
I don’t think that’s the definition of ‘ebony’ that the author meant.
Once she was as high as she could go, Kaytlynn turned into her Animagus form—a flying panther.
:Ghostie violently spits out a mouthful of coffee: WHAT THE HELL?!?!
:wiping face with handkerchief: “You should look into installing sneeze guards or something.”
Sorry, it’s just … that’s such an over-the-top trait even for a Sue. Animagi are already extremely rare – but not only is KaytSue one, she can turn into an animal that doesn’t exist.
“Not the done thing?”
There’s only a handful of known Animagi in the canon, and they all turn into mundane creatures; a cat, a dog, a beetle, and the like. No mythical or made-up animals like this flying panther. There are mythical creatures in this world, like dragons and hippogriffs, so it is possible that an Animagus could turn into something like that. There’s just no evidence that it has ever happened.
Although she had no wings, Kaytlynn hovered above the Forbidden Forest, her sleek raven coat almost as beautiful as her turbulently topaz eyes.
AHHH! :falls backwards clutching eyes: SUDDEN PURPLE OVERLOAD!
:Syl calmly walks around the desk and dumps a bucket of bright yellow paint over Ghostie’s head:
:splutters: What the hell are you doing?
“Basic color theory; the only way to counteract purple is with yellow.”
:spits out mouthful of paint: I don’t think it works that way.
“You stopped screaming, didn’t you?”
That’s true. Next time, do you think you could give me a little warning?
“But then it wouldn’t be funny.”
Why does Daddy have to love me so?
Because the author is deliberately trying to give me an aneurysm?
“Hey! That’s my job!”
Why must Draco and me have such a doomed romance?
It’s “Draco and I”.
“You hussy! You stole Professor LeatherPants from KaytSue and didn’t share with me?”
:Ghostie repeatedly headdesks:
Why am I having such strange dreams?
I blame your diet.
“Or she’s pregnant; I had the strangest dreams when I was with child.”
“I also had this really strange craving for raw onions smothered in mayonnaise. Every single time, the same craving. Have you ever desperately craved onions while you’ve been trapped in a dimension where onions don’t exist? It’s sheer hell.”
Take a step back; you have kids? Like, there are multiple little versions of you running around somewhere/somewhen?
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
I don’t want to even think about it.
I know I’m special, but must I be this special? Do I have a special destiny? She thought.
“I sure as hell hope so. I’m going to get really bored reading about your mundane trips to the grocery to pick up a packet of cereal, or whatever it is normal people do, and when I get bored I get stabby.”
I think I should call in some
meat shields interns so they can … observe the riff.
:shivers: “Why did my Euphemism Sense just go all tingly?”
It’s a mystery.
When she landed again and turned back into a human, the hot feeling in her stomach started again. Then something strange happened! Kaytlynn’s flat belly grew round, almost as if she was…
“Infested with fast-growing tapeworms?”
“Pregnant?” she whispered.
:Syl ducks behind the desk. After several moments of silence, she peeks over the edge:
What on Earth are you doing?
“I thought you were going to Hulk out on me.”
Silly free trader; I’m DC, not Marvel.
“I don’t know what that means.”
It means I’ve been expecting this ever since I read the summary; the author specifically mentioned pregnancy in the blurb. Frankly, I wouldn’t be surprised if PedoHarry winds up pregnant as well.
“Professor LeatherPants would be quite the Fertile Myrtle to manage that.”
Clearly you haven’t read the HP fics that I have.
“No, but I find myself positively intrigued.”
It’s not nearly as positive as it sounds.
The Next Morning
“Time for another walk of shame?”
Not unless “flying panther” is another euphemism for something I’d rather not think about.
“Actually, according to Swenia that’s what they call this thing where you…”
:Ghostie spritzes Syl with a spray bottle: No! Bad minion!
“Guys, I think I’m pregnant,” Kaytlynn told Ian and Chuck during breakfast.
“Why are they having breakfast in the astronomy tower?”
Because transitions are hard.
Ian looked highly uncomfortable. “Er…who is…”
“The father? I can never tell. I would hate to get him in trouble.” Kaytlynn felt really, really sad.
Bwah? Where did this sudden shyness come from?
“A lady never tells.”
Oh, please; like you’ve ever been a lady.
“You’re not the only one who’s good at faking things, sunshine.”
I never said I was … :sighs: Anyway, she confessed to a casual acquaintance that she slept with Draco mere moments after rolling out of his bed…
“Off his table.”
Whatever. My point is this – if she told Evil Eve about it, who else did she tell? And who did those people tell? This sort of juicy gossip would spread like wild fire, regardless of whether or not it was true.
Her anguish knew no bounds. She had only slept with Draco one time! How could this have happened!
:raises hand: “Ooh, I know! I know! Ask me!”
:Ghostie spritzes Syl with the spray bottle: That was probably a rhetorical statement, but it is entirely possible that KaytSue doesn’t know how babies are made.
:laughs, then abruptly stops: “Wait, you’re not joking?”
Sadly, no; at least in the US, schools (and many adults in general) are oddly squeamish when it comes to practical discussions with teens regarding sex.
Kaytlynn was afraid that the entire school would hate her and think she was a ho, but everyone understood, even Snape.
:snorts: Doubtful. Living or undead, Snape has never been a very understanding person.
“If the whole school knows about the baby and about her sexy-times with Professor LeatherPants, then how is it no one has connected the dots?”
:shrugs: I dunno.
But Harry was sure he knew who the father was.
Well, duh. Anyone with two brain cells to rub together could figure it out.
“I wonder where he got the other brain cell from?”
Lost & Found?
But Harry wasn’t too mad, cause he was sleeping with Draco too and now he realized how sexy and irresistable Draco was.
What the bloody hell is wrong with PedoHarry?
“Beyond the obvious?”
I could make a list!
:Syl wheels out Lyle’s chalkboard:
Where did you get that?
“I’m a procurement specialist; I procured it. That’s what I do. Now, do you want to make your list or ask pointless questions?”
:Ghostie picks up a piece of chalk:
- PedoHarry has romantic feelings towards a girl who is a minor child
- this girl also happens to be his adopted daughter
- his fifteen-year-old daughter is in a romantic relationship with an adult twice her age
- this relationship has resulted in his fifteen-year-old daughter getting pregnant
- PedoHarry is currently dating the father of his grandchild
And PedoHarry is okay with all of this because Draco is just so damn sexy?
“Never underestimate the power of leather pants.”
Draco was not happy.
But Draco’s never happy.
“I could make him happy; all I need is five minutes and an ice cube.”
Don’t make me turn the hose on you.
He did not want to be a father because when he was little Lucius beat him with that sexy cane.
“Is that why he’s so irresistible?”
“He was beaten with a sexy cane.”
I don’t think that’s how it works.
Draco was tormented by the idea that he too would become a child-beating Malfoy, so he started slitting his wrists, which he hadn’t done in a month. Even though everyone understood what she was going through, Kaytlynn slit her wrists too because she was so tortured by being a teenage mother. Her songs got darker and darker.
I was wondering if the author would try to squeeze in that favorite of all My Immortal clones, cutting/suicide attempts.
“If you have clones, wouldn’t attempting suicide be a bit pointless?”
That’s not … Never mind.
This leech inside me
Feeding on my torment
Cut my belly open
And rip me apart
“Something tells me that this is not a happy pregnancy.”
No, really? Whatever gave you that idea?
Hogsmeade a month later
“Awww, I was hoping we were going back to the dark woods to find out the dark lord’s dark purpose.”
Snow was falling gently on the town of Hogsmeade, sprinkling softly on the heads of Kaytlynn and her friends. Eve was with them, too, because she was a loser and didn’t have any friends in Slytherin.
“Don’t you dare call my woman a loser just because she has the discernment to avoid those dungeon-dwelling slime-toads!”
Since when is she your woman?
“Don’t worry; unlike some people, I’m willing to share.”
They were eating ice cream cones and chatting happily
It’s snowing and they’re eating ice cream?
“They could just be eating the cones without any ice cream in them. Pregnant girls and their cravings, am I right?”
That wouldn’t explain why everyone else is eating ice cream cones.
“Strength in numbers?”
when all of a sudden,
:together: AND FROM BEHIND!
“Jinx! You owe me a Coke.”
a dark figure snatched Kaytlynn and ran away!
“I hope they’re heading towards the dark woods! Darkly!”
She was powerless to fight back because she was afraid she would have an abortion if she did anything.
Sorry, author; the word you’re looking for is ‘miscarriage’, not ‘abortion’. An abortion is a deliberate act, a miscarriage is not.
“Why isn’t KaytSue turning into a flying panther so she can maim her attacker before floating off?”
That’s a good question, the answer is probably something along the lines of “because reasons”.
“We must form an expedition to reclaim her!” Ian said.
“Whyever would they want to do that?”
:shrugs: I dunno, she’s been a pretty useless Lame Duck so far.
“Potato!” Chuck agreed.
“Whatever you say.” :chucks potato at Chucklefuck’s head, rendering him unconscious:
I wish I’d thought of that.
“With your aim?”
Eve started to walk away. “You guys have fun with that.”
“That’s my woman!”
Seriously, how is she your woman?
“That reminds me;” :hands Ghostie a set of keys: “I borrowed the literary widget the other day.”
:looks down at keys, then up at Syl: Tell me you didn’t.
“A lady never tells.”
:Ghostie repeatedly headdesks:
“We should ask her father and Professor Malfoy to accompany us,” Ian continued, ignoring her. “After all, they’re both pretty close to Kaytlynn.”
And maybe, I don’t know, report her abduction to the proper authorities?
“Oh, yes; that would be ever so thrilling. A bunch of children filling out paperwork at whatever passes for a police station in this world. Captivating storytelling at its finest.”
I’ve seen worse.
So the four males gathered together, ready to find their love and rescue her…
“And then toss her into the fiery heart of Mount Doom!”
Wrong source materials.
“Still, not a bad suggestion.”
“Only if they have sprinkles; sprinkles make everything better. I’d put sprinkles on everything if I could.”
You know; if you think about it, sprinkles are really just edible glitter.
“…I hate you.”
Oh no! What will happen to Kaytlynn!
“And will anyone ever care?”
I know I don’t.
Whose captured her!
It was a dark figure; weren’t you paying attention?
“Hmmm? Did you say something?”
“Between meals snack?”
Mary Sue; it’s the other other white meat.
You’ll have to wait! Read the next chapter, it’s coming up soon!
“Soon” being a relative term since the fic hasn’t been updated in nearly six years.
“So it’s like when Shades promises to pay you back for drinks and then stops returning your texts.”
You haven’t been sending her naked pictures of yourself, have you?
Ever wonder if that might be the reason she stopped responding?
“If she wanted the pictures to stop she would just give me my nineteen dollars.”
Does she know that?
“I did write ‘pay me and I’ll stop sending you naked pictures’ in lipstick on myself.”
Subtle. Wait, where did you get lipstick? You don’t wear makeup.
“That reminds me;” :holds up tube: “You’re almost out of Ravishing Rose.”
I suddenly feel the need to scrub my face with steel wool.
BTW DumbledorzGurlie, there’s something special in the next chapter for you! Luv ya, bffe!
And I’m sure your meat puppet account has strong feelings for you, too.
“There’s no lovin’ quite like self-lovin’.”
That sounds so wrong.