1464: My Little Unicorn: Magic is Believing (That still means nothing) Chapter 25Posted: July 5, 2016
Title: My Little Unicorn: Magic Is Believing
Author: Dakari-King Mykan
Topic: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
URL: Chapter 25
Critiqued by Erttheking
Ert: Blah blah blah, go.
Part 5: Ultimate Teamwork
Nora: How does one create an ultimate teamwork exactly? What’s the difference between an ultimate teamwork and a run of the mill teamwork?
Ert: Probably the author’s say so.
Rhymey’s sword was charging up, against his will.
Goeth: And his sword can charge. I love how bits of metal can apparently generate energy.
Ert: Has it ever done this before? Because I sure as hell don’t remember.
No matter how hard he tried to resist Night Mare’s control, he couldn’t stop her. “Destroy them! Destroy them now!” she growled.
Nora: Because Mykan wants to be more mature but can’t bring himself to write the word kill right now. For some reason.
Ert: I don’t get him. I really don’t get him. There needs to be a certain word for how detached from reality he is.
Buddy Rose, Artie, and Luna saw no other choice,
Ert: I can think of one! Goeth! Your most violent instrument of death!
Goeth: I have to pick? Way to put a guy on the spot! Crunchy still has my magnum opus on loan. Putting it too good use. Damn Jedi Brachiosauruses will never bother us again.
and Buddy Rose rammed hard into Rhymey, knocking him away. “Forgive me, my friend.” Buddy said under his breath, but Rhymey was relieved.
Nora: I’m always received when I get knocked on my ass.
“All warriors must do the right thing,
I’m glad you did it before my sword did swing.”
Ert: Wait hold on, he’s still conscious, that means he’s still a threat. He needs to be pummeled some more. It’s for his own good.
Nora: I don’t think you ever needed the red ring to be a psychopath.
Ert: No comment.
With Night Mare’s eye contact broken, Rhymey was out of her spell.
Nora: Ah, the most fearsome of all spells. One that can be stopped by blinking.
Ert: I’d talk about how Mykan just makes up rules as he goes, but we’ve all heard that before, so I’ll just say fuck. Fuck! Anyway, five bucks says he tried to think of a BS reason to end Rhymey being mind controlled and just stole from the first Harry Potter book.
“I’m only getting warmed up…” she sniggered and she used her powers to lift everyone up high again, and smash them into one another like bumper balls while she laughed maliciously.
Goeth: Bumper Balls, truly the weapon of true fear.
The poor Equestrian’s watched helplessly from the fortress until the guards whipped them and forced them back to slaving. “That’s it!” growled Spike “I can’t take another minute of this.”
Nora: I suppose slaving is a generic verb now. Normally it needs to go with something, such as “Slaving over a hot oven” but Mykan knows better than us. About being stupid.
Twilight couldn’t either, and she could tell her friends couldn’t either. While cleaning the floor all together, they whispered to one another about a plan that would probably. It was very risky and dangerous to try, but then again… anything was better than being slaves and beaten up anyway.
Goeth: Oh, do you want me to get the list out? Because I can prove you wrong on that front.
Ert: Uh, to not go into disturbing details, there’s a reason our division of the Library isn’t allowed to have interns anymore. And the reason is him.
Meanwhile, Discord was still thrashing about and breaking Unicornicopia to bits, and really felt he had seen the last of Celesto, Celestia, and all their followers…
Nora: So he’s so strong that he’s actually destroying the tectonic plate that the country is on. Because that’s essentially what that means, even if Mykan doesn’t realize it.
Ert: Mainly because a country isn’t one solid thing that can be hit and broken. This is the only logical way to read it.
When in fact, they had survived!
Goeth: It reads like it is a surprise, when it is a rather predictable turn of events. One that we were actually already aware of.
They were now in a hollow about twenty feet square under all the rubble of the collapsed Rainbow City.
Goeth: Twenty feet square. They were twenty square feet underneath Rainbow City. You heard it here folks.
Celestia and Grand Ruler had used their magic to light up the dark and form a protective barrier to keep the rubble from falling on them, but it wouldn’t hold forever, especially with Discord constantly attacking the remains of the kingdom and causing more tremors.
Goeth: It’s a pretty shoddy barrier. Either that or Discord is moving at the speed of light and obliterating every square inch of the continent twice every five minutes
Nora: Let’s go with that.
There was no possible way to dig their way to the top, even for Dyno and Myte or they’d bring everything crashing down.
Ert: Because it was…like that. This scenario is so vague and impossible we might as well add false drama.
Nora: The best kind!
Even if they managed to escape, the portal gateway went down with the palace, leaving them trapped in there, and Krysta was in the safe dimension, and without the portal to help guide her back, she couldn’t’ return to help.
Goeth: I see that the fairies magically lost their ability to create portals on their own sometime between their first appearance and now.
Ert: I seriously doubt this story will pull a Kingdom Hearts and trap the main character in different worlds.
Celestia and Grand Ruler didn’t dare try to teleport either, or they’d have to dispel the barrier keeping all the rubble above their heads from falling in. It all seemed just hopeless.
Nora: They can’t do anything! ANYTHING! One person holding up the barrier while the other works on teleportation? Impossible! IMPOSSIBLE I TELLS YA!
Starla was sitting by herself in a corner of the hollow. The expression on her face was enough to tell she had nearly given up all hope. Lightning walked over to her, “Starla…? Are you scared?” he asked as he sat next to her. Starla nodded. “Yeah… I am.”
Nora: What, trapped in the middle of a world that’s being torn apart and seconds away from death? Nah, I’m cool.
Ert: More space wasting dialogue.
“Me too…” replied Lightning, and he wrapped his limb and hoof around her comfortingly. She smiled and rested up against him.
Grand Ruler felt terrible. This was his fault they were trapped like this, and after all his years of knowledge of swiftness, he couldn’t figure a way out of this. Even if they managed to escape the rubble, how could they possibly leave the dimension before Discord completely destroyed it?
He gazed over at Celestia. “I’m sorry, Celestia…” he said to her.
“This is all my doing… I’ve only made things worse, and now I’ve gotten you involved to. I should have known.”
Ert:…I don’t follow your logic. No, fuck that. I don’t follow your LACK of logic. This is your fault? How? How the flying fuck is this your fault? It isn’t, or at least not in a way you could possibly know. So fuck off with this false sympathy shit.
Goeth: Oh, I underestimated Discord. He isn’t destroying the plate, he’s destroying the very plane of reality that they’re living on.
Nora: Wow. Seriously, that’s some major damage he’s doing. How long until it’s rendered meaningless
Celestia understood how he was feeling, “But don’t let it get you down.” she said “You’re a great warrior, and you’ve done so much for your people. You had no way of knowing that this would ever happen.”
Nora: First of all, Celestia he’s not a third grader, he’s worried about an entire dimension being destroyed. Second of all, Celestia is right Grand Ruler, quit whining.
Ert: Yeah, I think they’re both wrong and annoying.
“The princess is right, Sire.” said Lightning “Besides, I know we can find a way out of here. When have we ever not made it out of tough spots before?”
Nora: Be written by an author that knows how to create tension and then ask that again. The results will be interesting.
The others agreed and showed that they still believed in themselves and hope.
Goeth: Mykan got bored again
Ert: This is starting to feel like my day job. Point out the stupid, call it stupid, rinse and repeat. Remind me to take a look at the Code Geass/Gundam SEED fic SFY showed us, I’m interested in a fic where there’s a chance someone gets crushed to death in their cockpit.
Grand Ruler smiled and realized he obviously has taught them better than he thought,
Nora: Which is odd, considering only Lightning was his protege. And he taught Lightning nothing over the entire story.
Goeth: Mykan read show don’t tell upside down and in a mirror.
and if there was one thing he above everyone should remember was… it wasn’t over until it was over. They still had time to think of a way out.
“Eh… I beg your pardon.” Brain said “But perhaps may be a good time to explain to everyone about my secret project I have been working on.”
Ert: Ah. Here it comes. The Dues Ex Machina. The reliable cop out tool of the hack writer. I would know, I’ve done it.
Nora: Have you?
Nora: You have a fair bit of insecurity don’t you?
Ert: Only when it comes to my creative work. *THWACK* Thank you.
Nora: My pleasure
“At a time like this…?” snapped Dyno. “You should be thinking more of a way we can get out of here.”
Nora: Because the two couldn’t POSSIBLY overlap.
Brain tipped his glasses, “My dear fellow… that is precisely what my project is in fact.” He cleared his throat and explained his project, which also explained the explosions that came from his house the past while.
Ert: Uh, I think you could’ve used a comma there.
Nora: Also I think those explosions were mentioned once. That’s not how foreshadowing works.
He had in fact, over the years been working in an underground workshop he had, and building a massive ship which he hoped would enable to make inter-dimensional travel between dimensions possible. It would be like using a portal, only it wouldn’t be as fast, or as stable if not handled well, but it would be reliable for such emergencies.
Goeth: Ah yes, a scientific breakthrough that he never mentioned to anyone.
Nora: Guess he wanted the miracle space ship portal to be a surprise.
Ert:…A space ship. Underneath his house. The entire fucking time.
“After many years of hard work and experimenting… I’m certain that it shall succeed.”
Nora: I haven’t tested it and it might rip you in half, but whatever, everyone in!
Everyone was gazing at him with wide-eyes. “You’ve been prepared for when all hopes of escape seem impossible and then make an alternate way?” asked Lightning.
Ert: You pointing out how stupid something is doesn’t make it less stupid! Hell, I’d even argue that it makes it MORE stupid.
“Yes…” replied Brain “Shall we say it was… eh… er… a lucky guess? Heh… heh…!”
Nora: Theory. The Grand Ruler put him up to this. There’s no other way he could have known.
Ert: Oh I do love that this theory caught on. It’s making this whole ordeal bearable.
Hope started to shine everyone’s eyes, “But may I point out…” said Cookie Dough. “It’s out there… we’re trapped under here… and this whole place is going to cave in on our heads any minute.”
Ert: Oh for the love of Christ, you already pulled one bullshit Dues Ex Machina, do we really need a second one? Tension isn’t a yo-yo Mykan, you can’t just have it go up and down, up and down, up and down
He was right; Celestia and Grand Ruler could feel the magic barrier getting weak, and Discord was still attacking causing more tremors to shake the hollow and make things worse. The kingdom was in really bad shape now. It looked as if the whole thing would blow up at any moment.
John Freeman: THE HOLE WURLD WAS GOING TO EXPLODED!
Nora: I miss the days when we were reading a story that was stupid on purpose.
Abra fell flat on the ground, but he could suddenly a light breeze of air blowing at his legs. “I say…” he exclaimed “Why is there air blowing through here.
Ert: Because Mykan can’t fucking write.
Everyone walked over and observes it was a small crack in the ground, and it was obviously coming from the underground tunnel-systems under the city where all the water came in.
Goeth: So they built their sewer systems twenty plus feet underground. And yes, we’re calling it sewers because you don’t use magically get caves that can transport water on their own. Needless to say, sewers aren’t forty feet underground. They tend to be closer to the surface.
That’s when everyone happened on the same idea. If they couldn’t escape by going up and out, maybe they could go under the ground, and that way Discord wouldn’t see them either and they could teleport to Brain’s place a lot easier.
“But the ground… it’s too solid!” cried Starla
Nora: The ground tends to be that Starla.
Goeth: I wonder if the Grand Ruler purged the academics in this country.
Ert: That’s depressingly believable.
“How can we dig through it.”
Dyno and Myte saw this as their chance to take over. After all, they weren’t the best mining engineers for nothing,
Ert: I think they might actually be the only mining engineers in the kingdom. Assuming they’re even that. I don’t recall this little trait being established beforehand.
Nora: Probably got their degrees off of a degree mill website.
and there wasn’t any kind of terrain yet that they couldn’t dig up, even with their bare hoofs combined with a fraction of their explosive powers. “Hurry, boys!” cried Grand Ruler “There isn’t much time.”
Goeth: Oh that’s nonsense. You could stay down there for hours and never have to face any negative consequences for it.
Ert: Days even.
The barrier was almost ready to give, and bits of the rubble above were starting to fall in,
Ert: Wouldn’t the heavier objects fall in first? Seeing as how they would put more strain on a wearing barrier?
Nora: Shush Ert. Mykan’s magic works around the plot, not logic.
but the twins managed to drill a hole big enough for everyone get through, but one at a time. Everyone quickly slipped through as the barrier got even weaker, and the pile of rubble above began to rumble and quiver. Celestia and Grand Ruler were the last ones to slip in as the barrier completely vanished and the hollow caved in, but the tunnels were still strong enough to hold the weight up.
Goeth: Poor planning seems to be rather common these days. People can only ever seem to get something done at the last second.
Ert: Because “drama” or some shit.
Now that they were free, Celestia and Grand Ruler used their magic to teleport everyone to an area just below where Greenland once stood. Brain’s house and laboratory, and everything he had above ground had been demolished, but his secret underground lab was still intact.
Goeth: So, following the logic of this chapter, Discord was able to cause a cave in forty feet underground, but was unable to destroy Brain’s lab. Is there a reason why the peaceful nation this story takes place in would need bunkers this secure?
Nora: Insert jokes about building weapons of mass destruction here.
No one had ever been to his secret lab before, not even Grand Ruler,
Ert: Brain disappeared mysteriously three days later. He was never born. He never existed.
but upon entering, everyone was just stunned by what they saw. A giant ship just as Brain promised with armor plating, thrusters, and the inside would have more than enough room for everyone.
Goeth: Yes. Those are parts of a ship
Nora: It also had controls, seats and other really basic essentials.
“Well, everyone… eh… what do you think?” Brain asked.
Ert: It hasn’t been test piloted, I doubt you kept it stored with fuel, I seriously doubt that it’s finished and I hope you all go up in a ball of flame.
No one said a thing, but the hastily boarded, and through Brain’s instructions they began to activate the ship’s power. “Stand by for takeoff.” Brain said “Opening secret roof hatch!”
Nora: Brain is coming off as a little paranoid keeping this hidden from everyone. I’d say he was secretly plotting against the Grand Ruler, but he doesn’t have enough of a spine or individuality for that.
Goeth: Secret, secret secret. You lab doesn’t have to be secret, just secure.
Brain had even managed to construct a large hanger bay opening over the ship if ever there came a day when he would fly it.
Ert: Question, where does he get the money for this? He doesn’t exactly have a job you know, he seems to just stay around his house doing stereotypical smart guy stuff.
Nora: Logistics do not exist in the world of Mykan Ert! When will yo learn!
The ground moved away, and the ship began to rise up on a platform, then it was tilted up on a ramp lift until it was pointing straight up.
Suddenly, Lightning noticed, “Uh… I think we have a problem.”
Ert: Don’t be a prick Lightning. If you see something, say what you see. Don’t make everyone else guess. Use your brain.
Nora: Don’t be a prick and use your brain. Two things he’ll never be able to do.
He pointed out the window and everyone could see Discord heading straight for them. “Well, well… what have we here?” he asked teasingly as he gazed at the ship, and he was rather impressed that everyone had survived the collapse of the city. “And you have a new toy for me to play with too…? You shouldn’t have.”
Goeth: Careful there Mykan, that sounded like something the actual Discord would’ve said, not your shallow clone.
Ert: I fucking hate this story…
He was hovered up where he was and drew in a huge breath, ready to blats the ship to ashes. “He’s going to fire on us!”
“Not quite…!” Brain said,
Nora: Uh. No, he’s still going to fire on you. You may be doing something about it, but he’s still going to fire on you. Even though “firing on” doesn’t really apply when military hardware isn’t involved.
and he flipped a switch which raised a large shielding plate over the front of the ship which blocked Discord’s fiery breath. “Mm… this is getting interesting.” Discord sniggered. “Let’s see what other fires we can start.”
Ert: HA! Interesting! That’s the last thing that can accurately describe this story. That’s the worst thing about My Little Unicorn. It’s as boring as sin.
Goeth: I never understood that statement. Is sin boring?
“Thrusters ready to fire!” said Cookie Dough.
Ert: GAH! WHERE DID YOU COME FROM!?
Nora: We have a serious character blob problem here.
“Launch!” demanded Brain,
Nora: Oh do it yourself. You’re not my boss, you don’t pay me.
and the ship took off and zoomed right past Discord as he slammed his huge claws down and missed. He hit the ground with such force that the whole kingdom began to shake and quiver violently and it didn’t stop but just kept getting worse. Any second now, it would all burst into flames!
Goeth: Oh dear, this is really pushing my deductive reasoning to the limit. Either the entire kingdom is around the size of the It’s a Small World After All ride, or Mykan created a version of Discord that would be considered overpowered even by the standards of Warhammer 40k.
Ert: A franchise where the entire point is how blown out of proportion everything is!
“Take us out!” shouted Grand Ruler.
Ert: *Primes lock on missile* Hey, he told me to.
“Yes, Sire!” said Brain, but as they headed up, and up, and up into the stormy skies, they stopped moving up and felt themselves slowly being pulled back towards the surface. “What’s happening?” cried Celestia.
Everyone looked round, and saw Discord was holding onto them and dragging them back down with him. “Leaving so soon? How rude!” he hissed. “The party’s just getting warmed up.”
Ert: Dragging them. Through the air. Dragging them. Mykan does not physics. Mykan can never physics. Mykan does not even physics. Learn to physics Mykan.
Goeth: Maybe this is a Wonderland type deal, where all laws, including the laws of reality, are null and void.
Nora: Yeah, maybe Tim Burton’s Wonderland.
Brian tried all he could, but the thrusters weren’t strong enough to break Discord’s grip. Also, of all the things he built in the ship for defense, he had forgotten to put in any weapons. “Well…” he groaned “…Now who’s a fool?”
Ert: *Looks at the entire cast of My Little Unicorn* Hm. I’m going to have to go with all of the above.
Nora: The weird thing is that I think he’s supposed to sound clever, but I have no idea how.
Goeth: *Snort* Weapons. They have no offensive technology whatsoever and he’s talking about weapons.
Lightning had an idea and he headed straight for the back of the ship where the hatch was. “Open it!” he shouted. “Lightning…? What are you doing…?” shouted Grand Ruler “Saving us, that’s what!” replied Lightning and as soon as the hatch was open, Lightning got a good view of Discords huge, ugly face
and fire the rainbow force and uniforce at the same time, straight at him.
Ert: Something that proved to be utterly worthless the first time you did it. And congratulations Mykan, you did the thing that’s been dragging down the rest of your story. You made two separate things that feel utterly interchangeable. Worst of all, you flat out SHOWED us how they’re interchangeable.
The forces were actually helping the ship gain a little extra thrust,
Goeth: I get the feeling Mykan would think that lasers would be able to act as thrusters.
Nora: Or plain jets of fire
but Discord was still too strong and he hardly felt the blast at all. He laughed at Lightning’s feeble attempts
Ert: Uh, Lightning. If you’re gonna be claiming to save people, it’d be nice if you were to get on with it already. Some of us have things to do.
Discord merely laughed and began to tighten his grip on the ship and began to squash the hull in like a tine can. “We can’t hold out much longer!” cried Brain. That’s when Grand Ruler leapt out of his seat and joined Lightning, blasting Discord with the uniforce himself.
Ert: *Sigh* Boy. THIS seems awfully familiar. It’s almost like it’s the exact same thing that they did during the fight with Titan.
His force combined with Lightning added more power,
Goeth: X + Y = > X. Well, at least we know that the Grand Ruler’s power isn’t in the negatives.
but still just not quite enough. “We’re almost out!” cried Brain “We just need a little more…” but Grand Ruler and Lightning were already giving it all they had. They could give no more.
Nora: They just need to shout about believing in Jesus Christ and they’ll be fine.
Most of the others couldn’t leave their posts, and their attacks wouldn’t give them the thrust they needed.
Ert: First of all, WHAT POSTS!? Second of all, shut the fuck up about thrust.
Discord’s continued to laugh. “I can’t remember the last time I had so much fun.”
Nora: Might have something to do with being imprisoned in stone for a thousand years. That does things to people.
He mocked. He continued to laugh so much that Celestia was growing very annoyed, and worried about everyone.
Goeth: So apparently Mykan thinks so poorly about his readers that he needs to directly spoon feed blatantly obvious information to them.
Ert: More like drip feeding it directly into their brains.
She stood from her passenger seat with a serious look on her face… and then she began to glow with that same mystical light.
Everyone gazed at her in surprise.
“That glowing…!” cried Starla “…Is that the uniforce?”
Nora: Well we’re due for a Dues Ex Machina, so most likely. A good author would’ve foreshadowed this, but Mykan thought it being a surprise was more important than it making sense.
Ert: Or he just thought of it at the last second.
Nora: Or both.
This confused everyone, “But how…?”
“She doesn’t have a golden horn!”
Nora: She’s a lesser lifeform! She can’t be allowed in our racially pure society!
Even Lightning and Grand Ruler were amazed, but they continued to fire as Celestia joined them by their sides. “What?” growled Discord “Celestia…? No…! This can’t be…!”
Nora: CURSES! I WON’T LOSE! THIS CAN’T BE HAPPENING! OTHER CLICHED BAD GUY DIALOGUE!
“Discord…!” snarled Celestia “After all these ages… this… is… goodbye…! …UNIFORCE!” Her power, combined with the others, not only gave them enough thrust to break free, but shot Discord right in the eyes.
Ert: So they won because of stupid bullshit that was pulled so violently out of Mykan’s ass, that he winces a little bit when he sits down.]
Goeth: And because Lightning and the Grand Ruler didn’t realize they could hit Discord in the eye.
The evil demon dragon
Ert: Discord is not a demon, nor is he a dragon, and calling him evil is pushing it. Then again it says a lot about Mykan’s writing when you realize how cluttered that description is.
roared and screeched in pain. “Quick…! Close the hatch!” cried Lightning. The hatch closed and the ship began to fly up, up, up… while Discord, blinded and completely stunned from being hit by such powerful forces all at once, not like before, began to crash back down into the exploding kingdom below. “We are almost there!” cried Brain.
Goeth: The entire kingdom is exploding. This is what happens when you build your entire country out of nitroglycerine.
Nora: I suppose we should have seen that coming. The Grand Ruler didn’t exactly show himself off as a good statesman.
The kingdom began flare and rupturing as they penetrated the dimensional barrier and into Dimensional Space. Then, as Discord crashed into the ground, did the biggest and deadliest scene of explosions and flares completely engulf the kingdom, reducing it to nothing less than a baron, burning wasteland or nothingness.
Ert: Well which is it!? It’s either a wasteland or it’s nothing! You can’t have it both ways! If it was nothing, there would be an empty void, free of even the tiniest of particles.
Nora: OH MY GOD, SHUT UP! THIS IS MAKING FUN OF MLP, I DID IT ON PURPOSE!
Everyone in the ship could feel the force of the explosion rock them about softly, but they made it out alive and were on their way. Everyone gazed out the back at, the now, ruined dimension.
Ert:…Uh, I think you mean planet. Seeing as how you’re in space and reality hasn’t collapsed in on itself. Also, the kingdom made up the entire planet, or whatever the hell just blew up. That’s sad.
Goeth: Very sad. A ten km long planet. I had no idea something like that existed.
“My beautiful kingdom…!” Grand Ruler peeped softly, and he lowered his head in heartache and pain.
Nora: MY STUFF! NOW NO ONE WILL KISS MY ASS!
Everyone felt really bad, but at least Discord had been destroyed as well!
Ert: How do you know? What was so special about that explosion that it killed him when nothing else would work?
Night Mare had been bashing Luna and friends against each other for a while now, and they were all looking very badly beat up, but all she did was laugh at them and slam them down hard on the ground. “I think enough is enough.” she said.
Ert: Oh my god the prose in this story is so fucking bad. It sounds like Mykan is just babbling away as the ideas come into his head, but he refuses to use any words with actual bite behind them. In case he lets a ten year old know that death exists I guess.
The gang was all bruised and their armors were all dented and busted up. Worse than that, they still hadn’t landed a single hit on Night Mare at all. “Now… the question is who I shall destroy first?” she wondered aloud.
Nora: RHYMEY! RHYMEY RHYMEY RHMEY! We volunteer him as tribute!
She was so busy that she didn’t notice what was happening in her fortress.
Twilight and friends were ready to spring their plan.
Ert: You need to have a plan before you can spring one, and I doubt they came up with a very good one in about five minutes.
Some of the others were just playing it cool and continuing to slave,
Goeth: Slave is not a verb Mykan
Nora: And you cannot play it cool.
while Twilight and the rest were hiding behind a doorway. The only two guards in the chamber
Ert: Only two guards. See, your entire plan had to revolve about Nightmare Moon being stupid. Just like every other time a villain has been defeated in this story.
heard someone screaming for help and dashed to the doorway to see what was wrong, but as the crossed through, “Now..!” shouted Twilight as she and her friends pulled on their chains and raised them like tripping wires. The guards fell over and down the flight of stairs ahead of them and crashed at the bottom out cold.
“YE-HA…!” cried Applejack “Like beatin’ a dead horse. Not latterly.”
Ert: No. No it is not. Mykan, “Beating a dead horse” means doing something that has been done to death. Learn what phrases mean before you try and be clever with them.
Nora: He just wanted to say a phrase that had horse in it. Even though this story is about ponies.
Now that the guards weren’t watching anymore, they leave through the front door and head straight down to help the others, but they were still chained to iron balls which were extremely heavy. Only the elements of harmony would be able to break them,
Ert:……*Sigh* I just don’t even. They need all powerful magical artifacts to break a simple ball and chain. And I imagine they also need the sacred sword of the twelve kings to cut their sandwiches too.
but Night Mare still had them on her.
Goeth: And she hasn’t destroyed them, like any nemesis would.
“There’s no way we can get down there like this.” cried Pinkie Pie “It’s no good! We’re done for! DONE FOR…!”
Nora: We’re FREE!
Ert: There’s a minor obstacle
Nora: ALL HOPE IS LOST! Still, pretty weak sauce bashing.
Rarity and Rainbow Dash tacked her to the ground to keep her from shouting too loud. “Keep it down, Pinkie!” snapped Rainbow.
Applejack already had an idea. “If we can’t get to the elements, I’ll get them to us.”
Nora: Seems like a pretty small difference, not one really worth bringing up.
Goeth: Padding padding padding…
Before anyone asked how she intended to do that, she grabbed a long and loose chain that was on the floor in her teeth and began to whirl it like a lasso. She didn’t have her magic, but she still had her skills and regular talent.
Ert: Yeah…except a chain can’t be used the same way as a lasso. Partially because it’s not as flexible, partially because it doesn’t form a proper loop, and partially because it isn’t as light. This is stupid.
Night Mare decided to wipe out all four of the fallen warriors at once,
Nora: She was going to do it earlier, but the plot wasn’t ready for her to do it. It’s ready now, because now her actions won’t mean anything.
Ert: Look ma, no tension!
but right as she was about to do so. She felt something yanking the treasure-chest of from her back. “What?” she exclaimed as she saw the chest being pulled into the fortress by a chain. “No…!”
Ert:…That’s it. It was that easy. Another terrible cliche in this story. A story that could’ve ended early if the characters had just done something very simple. God I fucking hate this story.
Goeth: Mykan has this weird obsession with making his “stories” 26 chapters long. He honestly thinks he could write TV shows. He certainly figured out how to write badly paced shows.
she cried as a bright flash of light shone through the windows, and Twilight and her friends all dashed outside, out of their chains, with their wings and horns back, and each wearing one of the elements of harmony. “What’s the matter Night Mare…?” mocked Twilight “Are we breaking the rules?”
Ert:…The hell does that mean? It’s a good thing I didn’t start a crap and/or nonsensical one liner counter.
Night Mare growled angrily. “You wretched little mules…!”
Nora: Mules? THAT IS OUR WORD!
Rhymey, though weak and sore, looked up and saw Fluttershy. She gazed back at him and smiled. Then she gazed back angrily at Night Mare who was glaring at them all angrily.
Things were about to get far more intense.
Goeth: Heh. Telling the audience the emotions that they’re supposed to be feeling.
Nora: Truly the sign of a master writer!
It was taking time to get to Nightmarica, even at full speed, but at least the others would arrive soon…!
Poor Celestia was pooped out from using her powers in such a force before.
Ert: I hope Mykan’s entire database of stories gets deleted and can never be recovered.
Nora: That’d just be a service to the world frankly.
She was resting now on a bench for multiple passengers to sit while she recovered her energy, but everyone was amazed and astounded by what she had done. “I never thought it was possible before…” said Grand Ruler, “But I witnessed it with my own eyes- a unicorn without a golden horn somehow managed to tap into the uniforce!”
Ert: Spoiler alert for people who give a shit, that’s a lie! Lightning isn’t technically a unicorn. He’s a Enticorn. What’s that? Fuck if I know. Nice continuity there Mykan.
“I… I did…?” groaned Celestia, “But how…?”
Ert: Bullshit. The magical power of bulshit.
Grand Ruler hushed her and told her to relax. She would need her strength for the upcoming trials ahead, which he, himself, was really looking forward too. “Night Mare…! Beware…!” he said in his thoughts.
Goeth: Oh dear. I think Rhymey might be contentious
Nora: Nuke it. We need to stop it from spreading.
As the ship continued to fly across Dimensional Space, those same large red eyes were gazing at them, and the evil voice behind them sniggering softly.
Ert: You know, after the whole thing with the entire “dimension” of Unicornicopia being destroyed, I’m a little concerned. I’m concerned Mykan might not know the difference between a dimension and a planet. So are these supposed to be different planets? Is dimensional space just space?
Nora:And when is Titan going to get off his ass and do something?
Night Mare was still glaring at the Equestrians, but her anger slowly turned into evil laughter. “What is she laughing about now?” snapped Spike “She’s driving me crazy!”
Ert: Shut the fuck up Spike. She’s driving YOU crazy? You’re not the one that’s had to put up with every last stupid thing that she’s done.
“I guess I should commend you for being able to outsmart my newest spells.” said Night Mare
Nora: If you consider that to be outsmarting you, it sets your standards pretty darn low.
Goeth: The Earth’s core low”
“But you haven’t won anything yet. You think that just because you have your precious elements back, that you can stand up to me?”
Ert: Well you were very concerned about them being used against you. So yeah. Kinda. Or did your personality get rewritten because Mykan realized for the hundredth time that what he had written earlier didn’t match up with what he wanted to write now?
Nora: Do you need to ask?
“And what makes you so sure that we can’t?” asked Twilight.
Goeth: Well, according to lazy plot structure, you’ll find out in three…twoo….one
That’s when Titan’s minions, who had long since returned, soared over the gang, and landed near Night Mare. All of them were sniggering, “Just watch…” said Dementia.
“Then you’ll see…” added Rep-Stallion.
“Prepare to meet your doom!” hissed Mysterious.
Nora: Stop interrupting each other, it’s rude.
Night Mare began to laugh loud
Ert: Began? She was already doing it! Have your villain do something other than laugh a lot Mykan, show some creativity. It’s ok, it hasn’t been outlawed yet.
Goeth: Ah, the three stooges have returned. I assume that they will be futilely attempting to convince us that they are a legitimate thread again.
Nora: What is this, the twentieth time?
and as powerful shadows enveloped her and the minions, and the shadows began to merge together into one, large, and powerful demon… part Night Mare, and bits and parts of the minions, though it still seemed to be mostly nightmare. She now called herself, Nightmaricus!
Ert: You know what the worst part of it is? Mykan probably thought he was really clever when he came up with that name. He thought that taking the last letter in Celestia and replacing it was an O was something that warranted a lot of thought after all.
Nora: And I guess her new name just flashed in front of her, so that everyone could call her by her new name.
Goeth: And nightmares fuse beings together into a being of nightmare. What are nightmares exactly? What are their composition? Ah yes, they’re just evil stuff. Charming.
Fluttershy felt her old fear rising again, and she was too scared to even hide.
Nora: That makes sense.
“Take a good look at me now.” the evil demon bellowed
Ert: As apposed to a good demon. Also, you used this earlier in the chapter.
“I have become one with my new friends, and added their power to mine. Even your elements of harmony will avail you not!”
Goeth: Even though they really still should work, they will not because of an overwhelming force canceling them out.
Nora: The author said so?
Goeth: You guessed it.
Twilight and friends, though scared, decided to stick it up and fight.
Ert: Mykan wants to bash Twilight and her friends. He then proceeds to make them noble and brave. When he had his own characters lose their shit because they had bad dreams. He’s bad at this.
Luna and her friends, though still a little sore, were finding their second winds. “We’ll help you!” Luna promised.
“Our honor is true!” rhymed Rhymey.
Ert: Again the little shit has to hijack other people’s sentences in order to rhyme. What was the point of the again?
Nora: Mykan has the tendency to rip off the handful of shows he actually likes obsessively. Maybe one of them had a rhymer.
Ert: Blah blah blah, a bunch of really boring fighting in which attacks fail to do anything again, the elements of harmony don’t end this in three seconds, Mykan ignores that Earth ponies and Pegasi can’t use magic, and oh god make it stop.
Everyone summoned up all the magic they could spare, and combined it into one colossal force of magic and fire it straight at Nightmaricus, which damaged her good but not good enough. “Look out! She’s coming!” cried Pinkie!
Goeth: I think her lungs require speaking to work.
Ert: Stop trying to have this story make sense.
Nightmaricus stomped over to the group and growled at them fiercely and chuckled, “Face it! Friendship failed, and so did harmony.”
Nora: But the power of your lord and savior Jesus Christ didn’t!
“No…!” cried Twilight “She’s just too strong…!”
Ert: Oh quit whining. We’ve already had three Dues Ex Machinas this very chapter. You’re not fooling anyone into feeling afraid for you.
“Oh, boy… this is it!” cried Spike and then he gazed at Rarity. “Before I die… I want… I want to tell you that I think you’re… you’re…”
Poor Rarity was too frightened to pay attention anyway, but just as Spike was about to say the magic words he had longed to say, Nightmaricus was blasted at from behind. Everyone looked and Twilight’s eyes lit up, “Princess Celestia…!”
Goeth: Yes, the toddler’s crush on the full grown woman. It exists. That is the entire purpose of that snippet of dialogue.
Nora: I don’t get it. He wants to bash the MLP cast but he keeps coming back to writing them semi in character. It’s like he can’t make up his mind on what he really wants to do. Heck, maybe he’s actually a fan of the show and is just lashing out in denial to prove how masculine he is.
Her teacher smiled at her and her subjects. “I have returned, and I have brought some help with me.” That’s when the rest of the Unicornicopians flew up alongside her…
Nora: And then we get the whole Power Rangers calling out your name thing.
The Equestrians were nearly speechless at the sight of him. “Well I’ll be gal-darned!” cried Applejack.
Ert: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN!? WHAT EVEN THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN!
“There really is a tri-horned alicorn!” added Rarity.
Grand Ruler gazed furiously at Nightmaricus. “YOU…!” he roared. Nightmaricus could hardly believe her eyes “Celesto…! It can’t be…! I thought I had destroyed you when I banished you from his place…”
Goeth: Banish = destroy. I find her logic a little hard to follow.
“You… will soon wish you had!” roared Grand Ruler.
Ert: I already do.
Nightmaricus growled and fired another energy wave straight for him. “Sire…!” cried Artie, but Grand Ruler just hovered there and countered the blast with the uniforce, stronger than ever. “What?” snarled Nightmaricus. Grand Ruler just stood there and narrowed his eyes. “This cannot be!” cried Nightmaricus “Friendship and harmony are useless against my power.”
Nora: This couldn’t be anymore cliched if you tried. And I honestly think that Mykan WAS trying. I refuse you believe something this cliched happened by pure accident.
Ert: It happening by accident is also very scary. Anyway, blah blah blah, believe in “faith and each other” oh fucking hell, and they destroy her.
“NOW…!” shouted Grand Ruler as everyone blasted her with everything they had. Small explosions and bolts of lightning and swarms of magic collided into her in every possible direction. She screeched and shouted and groaned the loudest ever. “THOU SHALT NOT RETURN AGAIN…!” Luna called out to her evil side as Nightmaricus rose up into the skies, flaring and sparking… then she exploded in a huge ball of fire and lightning which shook the kingdom most violently.
Goeth: So the point of that power up was rather pointless, as we never truly got to see her do anything with it.
Ert: I miss stories where a villain is beaten by the hero due to quick wits and good planning. Not because everything fell into their lap.
“Look…!” cried Lightning. everyone gazed up at the sky and could see images of Night Mare, Mysterious, Rep-Stallion, and Dementia… all wailing as they all twilled round and round, faster and faster and then they were gone. All gone!
Ert:…Well that was a thing.
Goeth: I got nothing.
Everyone leapt for joy and cheered over their win, but the kingdom still shook violently, and the red stormy skies grew black with darkness.
“Oh, no…! What now…?” cried Twilight.
Nora: Oh gee, I sure hope it isn’t Titan. It’s not like the story has been bashing us over the heads with this.
Ert: I wonder how long the next chapter is going to milk this fight over until Dues Ex Machina #I’m not even counting anymore takes him down
Nobody knew what was coming, until those two large red eyes appeared in the darkened area of the skies followed by a sinister laugh!
To Be Continued…!
Nora: Only two more chapters left Ert. Only two more.
Author’s Erie taunt:
Ert: Oh grow up.
Nightmare… Discord… …are dead!
Steal their power!
Feel their power!
Hehehe… couldn’t resist. I got the idea form Gauntlet Dark Legacy.
Ert: I am so fucking mad that I googled that and I saw a game that I had been trying to put a name to for awhile. Ever since I saw someone else playing it. *Sigh* Two more chapters….two more.