1463: Magic, love and fun – One Shot

Title: Magic, love and fun
Author: Lord Jeremy Silver
Media: Books/TV show
Topic: Harry Potter/How I Met Your Mother
Genre: Friendship/Humor
URL: Magic, love and fun
Critiqued by Addicted Reader

Hello again, Dear Patrons.  In search of a fic to riff for your entertainment this week, inspired by Ghostie’s recent project, I wandered back into the Harry Potter crossover section of ff.net.  There’s a lot of stuff there.  And to my surprise (though it probably shouldn’t have been), there are a lot of fics for HPxHIMYM.  For those unfamiliar, that’s “How I Met Your Mother,” a sit-com about a group of 20-to-30-something-year-old friends living in NYC and dating each other that ran from 2005 through 2014.

There really doesn’t seem to be any logical way of combining these two canons, but when has that ever stopped fic authors?

Let’s start with the summary:

Since their first day at Hogwarts, the 4 of them have been friends. Ted Mosby, a pure-blood Gryffindor who have a high skill in Defense Against Dark Arts. Marshall Eriksen, a Muggle-born Hufflepuff who is Ted’s best friend. Barney Stinson, a pure-blood Slytherin who doesn’t hate half-bloods, Muggles and Muggle-borns. Robin Scherbatsky, a half-blood Ravenclaw witch from Canada.

So basically, our author is just taking the names of these HIMYM characters and using them for OCs at Hogwarts?  And where’s Lily in all this?

Disclaimer: I don’t own How I met your mother and Harry Potter.

Shame.  You’d be damn rich if you did.


Magic, love and fun

I am really bothered by the lack of an Oxford comma there, but it’s (technically) not wrong.

Since their first day at Hogwarts, the 4 of them have been friends.

Oh, goody, the author forgot to close the bold tag.

Also, numerals in the narration.

Theodore “Ted” Mosby, a pure-blood Gryffindor from North America who have a high skill in Defense Against Dark Arts, but is sometimes held back by his own insecurity. He is a good, honorable man who care about his friends and family. Also he is a friend of half-bloods, Muggles and Muggle-borns.

Some of the bad grammar there makes it look like Ted is a plural person.  And that first “sentence” isn’t actually a sentence.

And I know that in the Wizarding world young adults come of age at 17, but it’s still a stretch to call someone still in high school a “man.”  Not that we even know how old the characters are supposed to be for this story.

Marshall Eriksen, a Muggle-born Hufflepuff of Swedish descent who’s dream is to use magic to create a perfect world where both Muggles and Wizards live together in peace. He and Ted are loyal best friends through sadness and joy.

“whose” not “who’s”!!!  And also not a sentence.

I suppose the author is just listing the “4 of them” from above, but there was no colon to indicate a list.

Barnabus “Barney” Stinson, a pure-blood Slytherin from North America who unlike most people like him does not hate half-bloods, Muggles and Muggle-borns. He is known as a very lazy and casual wizard, but actually has some skill if he just decided to actually study. Instead he spends most of his time trying to flirt with girls.

That’s actually almost a decent characterization.

Robin Scherbatsky, a half-blood Ravenclaw who was born in Canada, but has lived in the UK since her father died. She is a very smart and also sexy witch with a beautiful appearance and a slightly sassy personality.

And this one, not so much.

I don’t know how much the author intends for these characters to be like those in the show, but if they’re supposed to be similar, it’s very weird that the author would kill off Robin’s father.  Her ongoing conflict with him is a major part of her character.  And how did she end up on the other side of the pond?  That needs more explanation, please.

“very smart and also sexy”?  It sounds like the author is surprised that those go together.

Now they are all in their final year at Hogwarts and even though they were sorted into different houses, the 4 friends have always been true friends, all since first day.

So they are seventeen years old.  Still not the same as mid-twenties, as they are when the series starts.

Today they sit in the Great Hall, talking about everything and nothing.

Oh good, the bold is finally gone.

Wait, does that mean that the whole bold part was some kind of intro?

“I’ve been thinking about joining the Department of Magical Law Enforcement after graduation. Doing my part in trying to make the Ministry a bit more Muggle-friendly.” says Marshall.

That sounds vaguely in character for Marshall.

But ughhhh, present-tense narration.

“Come on, bro! You may only be a simple Muggle-born, but I’ve seen what you’re able to do with your magical power. To work for the Ministry would be a waste of your talent as a wizard.” says Barney.

Also decent characterization.

But this author clearly doesn’t know how to combine punctuation with quotation marks.

And it would be nice to know when in the year this is going on.

“Only a simple Muggle-born? I thought you didn’t believe in the superiority of pure-bloods…” says Ted to Barney.

This format of “‘Blah.’ says X.”  is getting very repetitive.

“I don’t, okay? What I meant is that I think Marshall’s a great wizard who’s skill and talent would be much better used outside the Ministry.” says Barney.

Repeat misuse of “who’s.”  Time for the rolled-up newspaper.

::whack::

“Sure, the Ministry hasn’t always done the best things, but I’m sure that there are others who feel the same as me and I hope that soon many of the old laws and traditions will no longer be used.” says Marshall.

Is there a point to all this?

“As for me, I say ‘Fuck the Ministry’ and be your own person!” says Robin in her clear strong voice. “It was because of the Ministry that my dad was killed.”

As bad as the writing is technically and as pointless as the story has been so far, I’ll grant the author this – I can plausibly hear the characters speaking as written.

“Robin, that was an accident!” says Ted. “You know it was. Try to forgive and forget. That was 12 years ago, time to move on.”

Are we going to get any further explanation of what happened to Robin’s parents?

Nope.

Looking ahead, it seems that almost all of the rest of this fic is conversation with no real narration.  Which is especially weird, given that HIMYM is a TV show know for it’s voice-over narration, unusual in that format.  Which means that this fic has even less to do with the show than I originally thought.

::headdesk::

“Easy for you to say, Mosby! Your parents are famous wizards who are still alive over in Miami.” says Robin.

Wait, if Ted’s parents are in Miami, what is he doing at Hogwarts?

“Malibu, not Miami.” says Ted.

My question still stands.

“Whatever…” says Robin as she roll her eyes in a sarcastic way.

Mixing up the city is actually somewhat out of character for Robin.  She’s a journalist, she’s pretty good with details most of the time.

“I actually agree with Robin on this. Most of my family support the Ministry, but I never will.” says Barney.

What does that even mean, to “support the Ministry”?  Work for them?  Not actively work against them??  Cheer for them in parades???

“Thanks, Barney.” says Robin with a sexy wink.

“Ted, what’s your opinion?” says Marshall.

This is getting really boring.  A lot of talk without any real content that the audience has any reason to care about.

“I’d say that the Ministry’s ways are not what they should be, but also that I’m pretty certain that thing are gonna change soon.” says Ted.

What does that mean?  The author has used quite a lot of words to say not much at all.

“Cute way of lookin’ at stuff…still not very likely in today’s life.” says Robin.

“today’s life”?  How much does life really change day to day?

“How typical, eh? Typical Ravenclaw isn’t it? Seeing perfection as a childish dream.” says Ted in a teasing tone as he smile a bit.

Ted is partly plural again.

And that comment about Ravenclaws doesn’t really make sense.  If I had to pick which house is most likely to be perfectionists, I would definitely pick Ravenclaw.

“You’re well aware of the fact that I’m not like most members of the House of Ravenclaw, Mr Theodore Mosby.” says Robin in a sassy voice, doing a cool hair-flip.

So does that mean that Robin agrees with me about Ravenclaws being perfectionists … ?

And what is a “cool hair-flip”?

I’m asking a lot of questions, aren’t I?  That’s not a good sign.

“Right! And I so not a typical Gryffindor.” says Ted in a very sarcastic tone.

And I so bored and confused.  Borfused?

“Ted, are you mad, cause Robin and I fucked each other during last year?” says Barney.

Whoa, that took a weird turn.  And I’m pretty sure the show never uses the f-word.

“No, why would I be? Robin and I are not meant for each other.” says Ted. “Go get her, if ya want to. I’m serious, Barney. She’s all yours.”

Ted and Barney have at least one conversation along these lines in the show, but never in front of Robin.  That’s pretty rude.

“Thanks, bro!” says Barney.

“No problem…” says Ted with a small friendly smile.

So is Hogwarts!Ted supposed to be secretly still in love with Robin the way real Ted is?  Hard to tell from only stilted dialogue!

“What career-path will you take after Hogwarts?” says Robin to Ted.

“I’ve already sent in my application to the Gryffindor Academy’s Potions-Department. After an extra two and a half years of school I can apply for the position of Potions Master here at Hogwarts.” says Ted.

What is the “Gryffindor Academy”??  HP a pretty well-fleshed-out canon, you can’t just make random shit up.

“Since when are you into Potions?” says Barney.

“Since the start of last year. Professor Snape was right. Once I decided to look at it with a pure eye, Potions is actually really fascinating.” says Ted.

My first reaction, like Ghostie’s, was along the lines of “leave poor dead Snape alone!”  But in fact, the HIMYM characters are all older than Harry, so (most of them) would have graduated before Snape killed Dumbledore.  They’re not all the same age, but three two of them are (no Lily in this story), so I can cut the author a little slack here.

Just a little.  Not enough to let that “pure eye” business slide, though.  Pretty sure Snape doesn’t use that phrase.  It’s close to something he might say, but it doesn’t sound right to me.

“I thought DADA was your thing.” says Robin.

Ugh, I’ve always hated that acronym.

“Oh, it is, but I feel like I wanna expand my field of knowledge, do something else for a while.” says Ted. “To become the next Potions master seems like a logical step.”

What makes him think Snape is going anywhere?  Snape is still pretty young, especially as compared to Dumbledore.  Pretty presumptuous of Ted to assume he can take the position away from Snape.

A few months later, an hour after the graduation-ceremony.

Um, is this meant to indicate a scene change?  Line breaks or formatting changes are usually nice for that.

“I love you, Theodore Mosby!” says Robin.

Huh, what, now?

“I love you, Robin Scherbatsky!” says Ted.

Boy, those are some pretty stupid-sounding declarations of love.

Ted and Robin start to make out with each other.

Really?  So they’re alone together?  Would have been good to establish that in the setting.

Barney look very angry.

Oh, so now Barney is a plural person too?  And why are they making out in front of him?!?

“So, Barney…mad that Ted and Robin are gonna fuck their brains out tonight, huh?” says Marshall with a teasing smile as he walk up to besides Barney.

Again, in character, other than the you-can’t-say-that-on-network-TV f-word, but why?

“No and shut it before I put a jinx on you!” says Barney as he use his wand to touch Marshall on the nose.

If this weren’t HP, where wands are used almost non-phallically, that would sound a lot weirder than it does.

“You’d run away crying before I let you do that.” says Marshall in a cold hard tone as he draw his wand.

WHY CAN’T THIS AUTHOR VERB?!?!?

::looks down::

::breathes deeply::

Ok, nearly done.  I can get through this.

“Bye, guys! See ya about two weeks from now!” says Ted and Robin as they fly away on Ted’s Solar Blaze 5000 broomstick.

With so many different makes of broomstick mentioned in the series, why does the author need to make one up?

And where are they supposed to be going?

What is the point of this fic?

The End.

Phew.  Finally.  I was about to ask what’s the point of life, but now I can just leave.

Bye.

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13 Comments on “1463: Magic, love and fun – One Shot”

  1. BatJamags says:

    unlike most people like him

    *Alarms blare silently*

    *Headshotted in the chest by nonviolent Department of Contradictions Bureau*

  2. BatJamags says:

    It’s got to be difficult to cram that much nothing into such a short story.

  3. There really doesn’t seem to be any logical way of combining these two canons, but when has that ever stopped fic authors?

    Cain: Case in point: Garfield Effect.

  4. "Lyle" says:

    Why the hell are all these North Americans going to Hogwarts? If Robin moved to England, okay, sure. But they’re all described as American. They should be going to the Amercian wizarding school.

  5. "Lyle" says:

    “Robin, that was an accident!” says Ted. “You know it was. Try to forgive and forget. That was 12 years ago, time to move on.”

    This is more of something a Hufflepuff would say, not a Gryffindor. A Gryffindor would be right beside you, sword drawn, ready to take down The Baddies.

  6. "Lyle" says:

    Holy shitbricks, that was randomly weird. My hat is off to you, AR.


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