1461: My Bleeding Crimson Despair – Chapter 5Posted: July 1, 2016
Hello, and welcome back dear Patrons!
“HAPPY FIRST OF JULY!”
—A SERIES OF MUFFLED EXPLOSIONS CAN BE HEARD THROUGHOUT THE LIBRARY—
What the hell?!? We celebrate the Fourth of July, not the first!
“Oh. Your holidays are very confusing.”
:sighs: Anyway, I’ve returned with the second-to-last chapter of MBCD, so there is light at the end of the tunnel. In the last chapter, KaytSue confessed her undying love to Draco and they proceeded to have sex…
… Fine, they had mediocre sex on a stack of papers Draco was grading. The chapter ended in a bit of a cliffhanger with some unknown person walking into Draco’s office while the lovers were in flagrante delicto.
“Is that how you say ‘orgasming’ in Japanese?”
No, it’s … It’s Latin.
“Oh, so it’s how you say ‘orgasming’ in Latin.”
No, that’s not … :sighs again: Never mind. Let’s just get on with this chapter.
Chapter Five: A Beach of Sandy Relinquish
I’m convinced that these chapter titles were produced via some kind of random word generator like the ones over at Seventh Sanctum that we used to come up with the title for Innosents of Danmation.
“What makes you say that?”
Well, just look at it!
Do you even know what the word ‘relinquish’ means? :sees a blank look on Syl’s face: It means to voluntarily surrender something.
“Can’t say I’m familiar with the concept.”
These raven sorrows within me
Flying from my heart like birds
Killing me softly, slowly
On a beach of sandy relinquish
:eye-twitch: On the plus side, there’s no beginning Author’s Note. On the minus side – poetry.
When Kaytlynn woke up the next morning, she knew three things: her father’s heart had been broken, she was madly in love with Draco Malfoy, and she was late to Charms Class.
Just in case you weren’t convinced that this was mocking the Twilight series, there’s this rehash of the infamous “Bella realizes Edward is her Twu Luv” narration.
“Wait just a damned minute! It’s the next morning? What happened to the potential threesome?”
What potential threesome?
“Someone walked in while they were having sex; the polite thing to do in that situation is ask the person if they want to join in.”
… I don’t even have a response for that.
She shot up and began buttoning her shirt, gazing down at her pale lover.
Did they spend all night on Draco’s desk? That can’t be comfortable.
“Those papers are going to be a right bloody mess now.”
Been spending time with Shades again, I see.
“No, I meant that literally. The girl is presumably a young maiden, after all.”
His mercury orbs were hidden under silvery lashes, his breathing slow and deep.
Did she replace Draco’s eyeballs with mercury before or after the sexy-times?
“During; it’s called ‘doing the thermometer’.”
Please do not feel the need to elaborate.
She loved him so much, the way he had taken her virginity with his hot manhood.
“That can happen when you forget the dry ice while doing the thermometer. It’s a rookie mistake; that’s why you should never attempt complicated sexual maneuvers without an experienced support team.”
:Ghostie headdesks repeatedly:
But she had to leave him! So she scribbled a verse from her latest song to explain how she felt:
Please, not more poetry/song lyrics! Haven’t I suffered enough?
“I think you like it. You might be one of those, what are they called? Sophists? Marxists? Something like that.”
Sadists and masochists?
“Yeah, one of those.”
Those are two totally different things that have nothing to do with sophism or Marxism.
“I couldn’t remember the words.”
If you don’t know what a word is, you should look it up in a dictionary.
“Don’t have one.”
This is a library, how can you not have access to a dictionary?
“Because I don’t care?”
:Ghostie repeatedly headdesks:
You touch my soul,
Easing my torment
My heart is yours
Devoted like a crow
“Quick question; are crows considered particularly devoted animals in this dimension?”
Not that I’m aware of. And what’s with that whack-ass scansion?
“I think you’ve mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.”
Then she finished dressing and walked to class. On the way, she bumped into Eve.
Yay, it’s Evil Eve!
:Syl and Ghostie wave Team Evil Eve flags:
“Oh, what’s this?” the shorter girl asked. “Is my Got-Some-meter going off?”
“Got-Some-meter? That is a terrible name.”
I’m almost afraid to ask what you would call it.
“I call it my Sexy Sense. It’s like a Spidey Sense, only sexier.”
:Ghostie repeatedly headdesks:
“You’re going to wear a hole in your desk if you keep doing that.”
Won’t be the first time.
“Not so loud, Eve!”
“So who’d you fuck?”
If KaytSue had taken a quick shower before doing her walk of shame, she could have avoided this whole awkward encounter.
“At the very least she should have spritzed on a little perfume in an attempt to mask her post-coital funk.”
“She spent all night table-fucking a man who favors leather knickers. She’s going to be generating a cloud of aromas, none of them pleasant.”
I suddenly feel the need to take a very hot shower.
“Oh, come on! You were practically skipping down the hall!” Ever said exasperatedly. “You must have gotten jiggy with someone!”
Do kids even use the word “jiggy” anymore? It’s the sort of thing an elderly relative would say in a painfully awkward attempt to appear cool.
“Professor LeatherPants jiggy skills must be lacking if she’s still able to skip the next morning.”
Kaytlynn sighed. “Can you keep a secret?”
I wouldn’t think so.
“You don’t know that. She could be very trustworthy despite her evil tendencies.”
Alleged evil tendencies, she hasn’t actually done anything remotely evil yet.
Right. Anyway, Evil Eve is a teenager attending a boarding school with no access to the outside world – no Facebook, no Instagram, no Tumblr, no Twitter, nothing. Gossiping is all she has.
Eve rolled her eyes. “Is the pope a catholic? Are your eyes green?”
Yes and occasionally.
“Really? I thought she was Jewish.”
Do you even bother paying attention to current events?
“Sometimes, unless that tribble-topped tangerine hagbeast is on. He vexes me.”
I can’t really argue with that.
“Er…sometimes. Anyway, Professor Malfoy and I are madly in love and we made passionately sweet love last night.”
“Awwww, that’s so adorable! She thinks having sex is the same thing as being in love.”
Not everyone is a raging horndog who will hump anything with a pulse.
“I’m flexible on the pulse thing – and in other ways.”
:Ghostie repeatedly headdesks:
Eve gave her a thumbs-up. “Congratulations, I’m jealous. He’s really hot. I mean, I always thought he was gay.”
She thought he was gay because he’s hot? That doesn’t make any sense.
:sighs: “The cute ones are always either taken, possess an incompatible sexual preference, or are otherwise uninterested. I find that the key to a successful seduction is to be persistent.”
I don’t think that’s how it works; that actually sounds more like sexual harassment.
“You flirt in your way, and I’ll flirt in mine.”
“He’s not gay,” Kaytlynn insisted. “He’s so manly—”
Manly men can be gay, too.
“Like Harrison Ford!”
He’s not gay.
Also not gay.
Not only is she not gay, but she’s not even a man.
“Are you positive?”
I don’t exactly have first-hand knowledge regarding the subject, but I’m fairly certain she’s female.
“Damn it all! I owe Glasses a new alpaca plushie.”
“He wears nailpolish.”
That’s her proof that he’s gay? That’s absurd!
“Yeah, she didn’t even mention the eyeliner and his leather pants.”
What does that have to do with anything?
“I like it when they talk about his leather pants.”
“—and handsome and perfect. I’m happy that he loves me, too!” Kaytlynn spinned in a circle and laughed. “Life is great!”
:Ghostie winces: Dude, don’t ever say that!
“Because she’s an annoying little hump-toed shitweasel?”
That’s not a real thing.
“Maybe not in this dimension.”
Ewww. I was referring to KaytSue stating that her life is great; that’s a magnet for tragedy in Romance/Drama fics like this. She’s just setting herself up for a tragic car accident or getting diagnosed with eyelash cancer or something.
Eve rolled her eyes and said, “Right. Call me when you two break up.”
Why, have you decided to lower your standards and ask KaytSue for a date after her inevitable break-up with Draco?
“For shame, Evil Eve. I expected better of you.”
But as she skipped to Charms Class, Kaytlynn ignored that dumb pessimist. Eve was just jealous because she wasn’t pretty enough to get a boyfriend. Kaytlynn flipped her raven tresses and whistled a happy tune.
“I can have her bald as an egg in under thirty seconds; under ten if you don’t mind her losing some skin. Well, most of her skin.”
Get thee behind me, Satan.
“If I had a nickel for every time I heard that one.”
:looks around: I’m not one hundred percent sure where we were supposed to be before, so I can’t tell if this is an improvement or not.
“Feels a bit drafty to me. I’m cold; take off your shirt and shoes.”
I’m not giving you my clothes!
“Stingy. A good hostess would make sure her guest is comfortable.”
I don’t want you here in the first place and I sure as hell don’t care if you’re comfortable or not.
“Fine, but this is going on a customer review card.”
We don’t have customer review cards.
“You do now.”
:Ghostie repeatedly headdesks:
In the darkest midnight, in a wood where no one dared tread, there was a meting.
Instead of what, the brightest midnight?
“And if no one treads in this wood, who is going to be doing all this meting out? And what is going to be meted out? Raisins? Mixed nuts? That’s probably the real reason why no one wants to go to this gathering; poor refreshment choices.”
Spoiled brat. Not everyone has a full kitchen staffed by ninjas, Darkwraiths, and a tyrannosaurus that’s ready to cater to their every need.
A plan was made. A dark purpose was given a method…and a Dark Lord was ready for victory.
“Ah, but was it a dark plan? If the Dark Lord has a dark purpose out in the dark woods, he needs a dark plan.”
You’ve been hanging out with the Admiral, haven’t you?
“Hanging out, stalking; it’s all semantics, really.”
All that he needed was one thing…one person…one dream…and he would win…forever…
Once he finishes this scavenger hunt and finds a thing, a person, and a dream, he’ll win a lifetime supply of ellipses!
“I’d rather have another hot fudge sundae.”
Later That Afternoon
:looks around: “Are we still somewhere else?”
“Professor, I find myself in a dilemma,” Ian said.
He got an A- instead of an A+?
“So sad. Much tragedy.”
“You’re not the only one,” Harry muttered. If Ian could have seen into his head, he would have viewed turmoil and despair.
And probably a lot of X-rated shit that would land Harry in federal custody.
“Do you want to know what I’m thinking about right now?”
Dear gods, no!
“It’s something warm, and juicy, and so very sticky.” :licks her lips: “Maybe covered in whipped cream, or chocolate sauce…”
:sticks fingers in ears: La-la-la! I can’t hear you!
“You have a problem with fresh, sun-warmed strawberries?”
Oh. :removes fingers from ears: That’s not at all what I thought you would say.
“What did you think I was going to say?”
:blushes bright red: …Something else.
“You have a dirty, dirty mind.”
To think that his Kaytlynn, his daughter, had been seduced by Malfoy. How could this have happened! How? Where had he gone wrong?
He did? KaytSue was the one who confessed her feelings for Draco, he didn’t do anything to encourage her until after she made her feelings known.
“He overwhelmed her with his erotic aura until she could no longer suppress her emotions.”
:snorts: That sort of seduction strategy wouldn’t fly even in a terrible romance novel.
“My own self, I prefer a more direct approach.”
Yes, I know; everyone knows. You’re not exactly subtle, Syl.
Ian cleared his throat and adjusted his glasses. “Well, I’ve got this crush…”
Gee., I wonder who it is?
:raises hand: “Ohh, I know!”
And Harry’s mind left on its own train of thought while Ian babbled. Didn’t Kaytlynn realize how passionately he loved her? How could she not return his affection?
Because you’re her fucking father, dumbass!
“Might want to rethink using that particular phrasing, Ghostie.”
No, she did return it. Malfoy had just led her astray, that’s all. He would go have a talk with that bastard and win Kaytlynn back!
He’s going to win her over by confronting her lover and what, asking Draco to give her to him like she’s a possession?
“Hopefully after punching Professor LeatherPants in his rock-hard abs.”
I don’t remember the condition of his abs ever being mentioned.
“Really? Well, that’s how I had him drawn in this fanart I commissioned from Crunchy.” :holds up piece of paper:
Who is that he’s with? Is that … Sephiroth?!?
“You’re not the only one who is into crossovers.”
:Ghostie repeatedly headdesks:
“I have to go,” he said, interrupting Ian’s story. “I’ve got a problem to take care of.” Leaving behind a speechless Ian, Harry marched away, already imagining what he would say to Malfoy. He got down to the other office and hammered on the door.
Oooh, time for some ass-kicking!
“I love ass-kicking!” :holds out bowl: “Popcorn?”
Where do you get all this popcorn from?
:shrugs: “Here and there. Where does anything in this place come from?”
We have a very comprehensive contract with the PCC.
“I’m with a class!” Malfoy snarled. Harry opened the door anyway, marching past the rows of stunned second years.
Why is his class meeting in his office? Those are usually two different places.
“Isn’t he the Flying Professor?”
That’s actually a really good point. They should probably be outside learning how to fly.
“If you ever touch my daughter again, I’ll kill you!” he yelled.
Finally, an appropriate reaction from PedoHarry!
“It’ll never last.”
Don’t rain on my parade, dude.
Malfoy held up his hands in surrender. “Give me a chance to explain. You don’t understand.”
“Oh, I understand! She’s 15, you perv!”
Please do not elaborate on why you understand his feelings.
“Less talky, more ass-kicky!”
“Can’t we talk about this alone?”
Right, just go ahead and traumatize a class full of twelve-year-olds. That’s very professional.
“Depends on the profession.”
We are not having this discussion again, Syl.
“Fine, then,” Malfoy sighed. “Potter, there’s something I have to tell you. I don’t love Kaytlynn.
He was just using her for mediocre sex?
“Lucky little bitch.”
I’m bisexual. I love both of you.”
That’s … That’s not how it works.
“But ‘bi’ means two, right? So bisexuals love two people.”
That’s not how it works at all; do … Do I really have to explain this to you of all people?
“Nope, I just really love watching you turn all pink and stuttery.”
“Really?” Harry asked as the second years gasped.
No, he’s just yanking your chain so you don’t hex his balls off in front of his class.
“Oh, so you’ve already seen this other piece of fanart Crunchy made for me?”
Put that away!
Harry smiled. “Oh, well that’s fine.” And in front of the second years, they shared a kiss of passion.
They are both so very, very fired.
“Might even be set on fire depending on how Puritanical the rest of the wand and robe crowd are.”
I don’t remember same-sex relations being discussed very often – or ever, really – in the source materials, but the fanfics feature every sexual variation under the sun.
Five seconds ago, when Draco had made his confession, Harry had realized that what he had always thought of as hatred toward Draco had really been deep, tru love.
Yeah, his long-held animosity and contempt he felt towards Draco was really hiding deep feelings of Twu Luv.
“Does that mean you’re secretly in love with me?”
:Ghostie spits out a mouthful of coffee: WHAT?!?
:wipes face with a handkerchief: “I didn’t hear a no. Maybe we should kiss and find out.”
Your lips come anywhere near me and I’m cutting them off.
In his head, the classroom melted away, leaving behind only the two of them…
In reality, they are two teachers making out in front of a classroom full of students. They are both going to be facing some serious disciplinary actions.
“I could be in the mood for some serious discipline.”
STAY ON YOUR SIDE OF THE DESK!
Crapcakes. I thought we were going to be able to get through this chapter without an AN.
“No such luck, dimples.”
You’re making me very uncomfortable.
End of chapter!
“Yay!” :hugs Ghostie:
—A BRIEF SCUFFLE ENSUES—
:Ghostie sits tailor-style on top of her overturned desk, holding an ice bag to her blackened eye as Syl lies in a battered pile on the floor:
“I think you over-reacted.”
No means no, Syl.
“I’ll wear you down eventually. It’s part of my charm.”
No one thinks you’re charming except you.
Sorry about the long pause and this one’s so short!
She’s apologizing for both a long pause and a short pause? That makes no sense.
“It has an almost Zen quality to it.”
That’s probably your massive blood loss talking.
DumbledorzGurlie and I got in a huge fight, and I totally hated her for weeks.
Which is, like, forever in Teen Years.
:squints at bite wound on arm: “Does this look infected to you?”
Don’t worry, I’ve had all my shots.
She stole my crush and I was heartbroken and so mad at her,
“Skanky bitch. Let’s TP her house!”
You probably should wait until your toes have fully reattached.
but that’s okay now because then I found out that I was bi
Huh? How is that in any way relevant to Whatshername stealing your crush?
“She’s so happy that she effectively double the number of people that she can fall into unrequited lust with that she forgot all about the skank stealing her former crush?”
and so I made Draco and I come out at the same time and I have a new crush anyway!
Good for you, I guess. I’m still wondering what all of this has to do with anything.
“Because blue. Have we used blue recently? Let’s go with blue.”
So the next chapter’s coming soon! Stay tuned!11
And it’s the last chapter, so YAY!
:Syl lifts her arms:
If you know what’s good for you, you’ll stay down there.
“When have I even known what’s good for me, duckie?”
Fair point. If you really want a hug I can call in Eliza, I’m sure she’d love to give you a hug if you let her douse you with glitter.