1458: My Little Unicorn: Magic is Believing (That still means nothing) Chapter 24Posted: June 28, 2016
Title: My Little Unicorn: Magic Is Believing
Author: Dakari-King Mykan
Topic: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
URL: Chapter 24
Critiqued by Erttheking
Ert: So, any plans for after this so far?
Nora: Not really. Some of the lesser known works you’d like to cover don’t really have fan fiction written about them.
Ert: *Sigh* I suppose we could always dip back into Mass Effect, they never really run out of crappy stories.
Goeth: We’ll find something. In the meantime, the finish line is in sight.
Part 4: Two way doomsday
Ert: Five bucks said that he was more concerned with making it rhyme than having it make sense. It’s Rhymey’s speech patterns in title form.
The minions and their army dashed forth.
Nora: You know Mykan, we talk about thesaurus abuse around here. What we mean when we say that is that some people put in downright ludicrous synonyms for words. A thesaurus is not your enemy. It is your friend. Stop saying dash and charge all the time.
“Scatter…!” said Lightning as he and the others leapt out of the way.
Goeth: Well that added nothing. They were already scattering when he ordered them too.
Nora: Unnecessary orders.
It was a good thing at least the clones of the minions didn’t have an fire power like the original,
Ert: FUCKING CALLED IT!
but there were still so many of them and they were just as strong in brute strength.
Ert: I still feel like that brute strength is going to end up doing nothing.
Lightning and Starla rammed into the clones and knocked them aside,
Nora: Remember that time they were able to just ram into the minions and knock them aside? Neither do I. And these things are supposed to be just as strong as the minions.
Goeth: Ert predicting these things really isn’t anything special. It’s like predicting that the sun will rise, or the movement of the tides.
Celestia stomped her hoof twice and reared on her hind legs which actually frightened more of them,
Nora: A horse on its hind legs! THE END TIMES! THE END TIMES HAVE COME!
and her horn was as strong and powerful like a sword.
Ert: No. No it is fucking not.
She really did know how to fight, just as she promised. Her magic was very helpful too…
Goeth: They go with the … as if to imply “Oh yes, it TOTALLY helped” despite the fact that they actually describe what she does in a bit.
Ert: Mykan doesn’t get how story structure works. Who would’ve thought?
As her horn glowed she levitated one clone up and threw it into a gaggle of oncoming clones, bowling them down.
Nora: I’m honestly surprised that no one made a bowling joke or pun after that. The humor in this story is on that level of eye roll enduring bad.
“She’s pretty good.” thought Krysta. She was snapped of her distraction
Ert: Mykan, I think you a word there.
when one of the clones almost swiped at her.
Goeth: It didn’t say “almost swiped her” it said “Almost swiped AT her.” Meaning it started to take a swipe at her before he got bored and went out to do something else.
Nora: Mykan said he thought MLP didn’t pander to boys enough because there weren’t enough arbitrary fights. I seriously doubt these pansy fights where no one ever gets hurt would pull in the male demographic.
Luckily her defensive magic helped by pushing them off so they couldn’t hit her.
Ert: So the clones can’t even touch the heroes, yet we’re still supposed to feel tension. To quote Jim Sterling “They want to have their cake and masturbate into it too.”
“There’s too many of them…!” cried Starla, “We need more help…!”
Nora: Yeah, they almost threw punches at us! We’ll be overwhelmed if they actually manage to work up the strength to THROW a punch!
That’s when the ground burst and, Dyno and Myte and had tunneled their way over. “You called…?” Dyno said.
“We’ll help!” added Myte.
Goeth: So either they can tunnel through the ground at an alarming rate, to the point where they most likely were moving through it like air, or they were just waiting under there for the right moment to pop up. Either way, I call shenanigans.
Nora: Apparently they can read the future if it was the latter, seeing as how everyone is moving about so much.
Many unicorns were watched from inside their shelters, and though they felt safe, they almost hated having to watch all those monsters fight what few fighters were out there.
Ert: Again with him showing “almost” into every other sentence. This implies that they got over it and are munching on popcorn
Nora: MORE WORDS! More words make me sound smarter!
Goeth: And so much for being a nation of warriors. I don’t know many warrior races who run and hide every time there’s a threat.
Even the princess, their guest, she didn’t deserve to be subjected to all this.
Ert: The “even” implies that they wouldn’t normally think that. Show of hands, who thinks the Grand Ruler conscripts foreigners to use as canon fodder in his army?
“What are we just sitting here for?” some of them started to say. “We’re warriors, and here we are hiding from the battle?”
Ert: Nope, you can’t do that. After an entire story of the entire population running and hiding every time things were getting serious, you can’t have the do a complete 180
Soon, others began to agree, and it was settled. The shields were lowered and the unicorns began to dash outside. “Hey! Who invited them!” snapped Rep-Stallion.
Nora: So all of them same that exact same sentence at the exact same time over the entire kingdom? I’m really starting to think the entire population of this country is a thousand people, and that it’s only ten miles in diameter.
“Never mind…!” growled Dementia “Let’s get them!”
“Agreed!” said Mysterious and he and others began to conjure more clones.
Goeth: Is there a limit on this? I rather dislike it when magic is shown as something that can be constantly done to any limit without any drawbacks. When you get down to it, it’s a form of energy being used, and we do not have unlimited reserves of energy, even if we are drawing on other types of energy.
Soon, nearly the whole of town square was full of unicorns fighting the evil ones. “That evens the odds…” cried Lightning “But we have to find a way to get the real minions! Then maybe these clones will vanish.”
Nora: I see the Grand Ruler outlawed free will some time ago.
but such a task was easier said than done. Despite the minions were easily recognizable,
Nora: Somehow. Even though their in a mob of clones. I guess there’s something about the clones that make them look different, but Mykan didn’t feel the need to share that with us.
they were still hard to spot or get near with all the clones huddling so close together. “Keep trying!” shouted Celestia “We’ll find them!”
Ert: Thanks Celestia, but your inspirational speeches need a bit of work.
In Nightmarica, Luna and her team had managed to enter the fortress, still invisible. Luna was strong enough to keep the magic going for a while longer, but she’d have to stop soon.
Goeth: Mykan seems to scoff at the idea of worldbuilding, mainly making up the rules for magic as he goes. In fact, I withdraw that statement. There are no rules for magic. They work however the scene needs them to work.
“Which way to do we go now?” asked Buddy Rose.
“Follow me…” said Luna.
Nora: So keep doing what you were doing the whole time. Gotcha.
Ert: That added a lot…
She figured she’d know every last inch of the fortress as it was pretty much her own thoughts and design when she was fused with Night Mare.
Goeth: So this is the result of inter-dimensional nonsense. Ugh. Such an experimental and exciting field, used by hacks the same with 50s writers used radiation for everything.
Nora: So how did this work? This fortress is the result of her thoughts and…oh I give up.
Ert: This story makes me want to take up drinking.
“I should know every crack in the stone, and every floor and hallway.”
Goeth: *Swings sledgehammer at wall* I doubt it.
“She is really starting to scare me out.” Artie whispered to the others.
“Me too, without a doubt.” rhymed Rhymey.
Nora: Wow. He’s such a lazy rhymer that he has to hijack what other people say
Ert: What is the point of rhyming again? It’s not really endearing.
As they continued forward, Luna began to feel a little tired. “I can’t hold the spell up much longer.” she said, but that was when it wore off completely. “Princess…!” cried Buddy Rose, he was careful not to speak too loud. Poor Luna was panting softly. “Are you hurt…?” asked Artie.
Nora: Every step of this plan has faced problems that would have been avoided if they had actually bothered to plan ahead.
“I will be fine.” she answered “I will need a while to restore my magic. You all will have to guard me.”
Ert: You have to rest to restore magic. Something that was established just now and something that should not have happened during the middle of an infiltration mission.
“We’ll do our best.
You just rest.” said Rhymey.
Ert: It’s a crime that he wasn’t one of the people toiling in the death mines.
Luna was still strong enough to guide the team, and the first thing they had to do was get to the chamber where the elements of harmony were, but now that they were no longer invisible, it was harder than ever to get around.
Nora: Constantly moving forward despite the fact that one of them needs to rest. You know, I think these people are like Deadpool. They’re aware that they’re the main characters and that nothing will seriously happen to them to set them back, so they stopped caring. They just do whatever they feel like because they know that they can get away with it.
Guards were everywhere! They found themselves ducking and dodging more times than ever to get through safely now. Little did they realize that they were already detected, and being followed by a small stream of shadowy smog that had been perusing them ever since they had entered.
Nora: Ah yes, the best type of detected. The one where the intruders are still allowed to go about their business. Clearly a master strategy.
Suddenly, they could all hear voices, or rather sound of groaning. Rhymey recognized one of them as Fluttershy’s voice. He didn’t speak but he gazed down through a large hole in the wall,
Goeth: Whoops, thought I patched that up.
Ert: Makes about as much sense as any other explanation as to why there’s a fucking hole in the wall.
and there she was with all her friends in the main throne room, slaving away. All of them were filthy, tired, and in chains with their wings and horns missing.
Nora: And their horns and wings are gone. Because magic.
Poor Rarity looked as if she had dusted a chimney with her whole body, and she felt even a-hundred baths wouldn’t be able to clean her off now.
Ert: Mykan is a real fucking wimp when you get down to it. He has an entire population get enslaved, and the worst he can do to the characters he hates…is make them dirty and tired.
“Oh…!” groaned Applejack. “I almost got the nerve to wish to be executed.”
Ert:…Da fuck does that mean?
“No… don’t say that!” cried Pinkie Pie “We can’t let this slavery break our souls.”
Goeth: Breaking souls? I have experience in that field! *Pulls out saw* Who’s first?
“And just what do you suggest?” snapped Rainbow Dash “Look at us…! We have no magic, no wings, and even the princess is gone. You hear what the guards said.”
Nora: Yeah, you heard that the princesses escaped! We have no hope! NO HOPE AT ALL!
Ert: I just…fucking…ugh.
Twilight and Spike said nothing, and still refused to mention what they knew for fear of attracting unwanted attention from Night Mare, wherever she was.
Ert: Twilight and Spike are assholes. They could have figured something out, but nooooooooooooo.
Fluttershy sighed and continued to mop the floor, and then she looked up, and swore she could see someone up there. Someone familiar…! She hoped it was a sign that they’d be rescued soon. That’s when the quill Rhymey had given her fell from her mane to the floor, she quickly put it back.
Nora: This added something. That something was a whole lot of nothing.
Rhymey knew they had to save the ponies and fast. Luckily, the room they needed to get to was just ahead, down a long stretch with guards standing all in a row. “Oh, this it just great.” said Artie.
Ert: Thanks Artie, you say that one flat line to remind people you exist.
“We can’t get past them.
Nor should we blast them.” said Rhymey
Goeth: We shouldn’t blast them? This, my friend, is why you will never go anywhere in life.
Luna admitted that even she couldn’t figure a way to get past all the guards without making a terrific scene or noise. “We don’t need to.” Buddy Rose said “Watch this. I’ve been practicing.”
Ert: No you have not. Whatever it is, you have not been practicing it. You have not been practicing anything. You barely exist in this story.
Nora: Off-screen development! Hurrah!
He crept up as close as he could so as not to give himself away,
Nora:…You people decode what the hell that’s supposed to mean.
then whispered, “Pollen Spores…!” and softly unleashed a small swarm of tiny spores that put the guards to sleep.
Ert: This is different from sleep powder in Pokemon because sleep powder has a name that actually makes sense. Spores and pollen are two different things Mykan. Spores grow into fungi on their own while pollen fertilizes flowers. People learn this in MIDDLE SCHOOL Mykan!
Goeth: *Sigh* What are kids learning these days?
They all just dropped their lances and fell like trees.
“Impressive.” Luna said.
Ert: Why the hell were guards patrolling the inside of a castle wielding lances? A weapon used by mounted calvary? Even if they weren’t using swords or axes, they would use spears, a weapon designed to be used by infantry and not on horseback.
Goeth: This is just sad.
The others gave Buddy props for that move, and then they proceeded forward and reached the sealed door. “You sure the elements are behind here?” asked Artie.
Nora: No, she led you to a place where she didn’t really think that they were. You caught her in the lie.
Ert: WHAT KIND OF A FUCKING QUESTION IS THAT!?
“Yes…” said Luna. “My evil side
Ert: Is it your evil half or is it something that possessed you? Make up your mind Mykan, or at the very least remember what YOU wrote.
may be strong enough to do all this, but it would seem she is still powerless to break this seal and alter this chamber.”
Goeth: Luna and Celestia’s power Nightmare Moon’s power. Therefore, Celestia’s power > Celestia’s power.
Nora: I think Mykan broke reality.
“But how can we then?” asked Artie.
“I thought only Celestia’s touch,
would undo the seal as such…” added Rhymey
Ert: I need a video of Rhymey being savagely murdered right the fuck now.
Nora: We all do. And if that was brought up, it wasn’t brought up very well. And it still doesn’t explain the physics breaking logic that Goeth brought up.
Luna shook her head and explained it had been a long time since she was separated from that of her evil side, and she had done so well to adjust herself to modern times, and learn the ways of friendship and believing.
Ert: A bunch of stuff that sounds a thousand times more interesting than anything Mykan ever wrote. Yet it only gets summarized here.
Nora: Ert, I’m surprised at you. Are you saying you don’t enjoy the magical adventures of an idiot and his flat friends?
Ert: Shocking, ain’t it.
Her sister, Celestia, taught her how to undo the spell for emergencies. “My sister trusts me, and I wish to honor that trust.” Luna said “It is my fault that Night Mare was ever created,
Ert: Is it? I honestly don’t know the answer to that question, this story can’t really seem to get what happened straight. Fuck, it can’t even get Nightmare Moon’s name right.
Goeth: Hold on, I’ll spin the wheel. Let’s see…evil clone, mirror universe, evil twin separated at birth, evil split personality given own body…it came to a stop on evil person that just so happens to resemble the hero.
Nora: We’re rolling with that.
and I must do what is right for everyone and help take her down.”
John Freeman, who was Gordon Freeman’s Brother: Its a good day to do what has to be done by me and help my brother to defeat the enemys.
Ert: Not only does that do a good job of parodying how melodramatic and “well duh” this story is, but also of how bloated the sentences can be. Kudos John.
John Freeman: *Bows dramatically with Wepon in handed.*
“Stand back.” she warned the others as she concentrated hard, and her horn started glowing.
Nora: Mykan forgot what he wrote in his own story again! I guess Luna doesn’t have to rest anymore.
She inserted her horn into the keyhole. She struggled and moaned softly as she seemed to be having trouble. The others felt nervous and hoped she could do it while not giving them away.
Ert:…Do we have to censor this?
Nora: Thanks for that mental image. Prick
Suddenly, the door began to slide open, and there resting on a small pillar was the jewel-encrusted treasure chest. “That’s it.” cried Luna “The elements are in that chest.”
Goeth: Always have to put the all powerful artifact in some gaudy chest. Can never hide it in the morgue, no one ever looks there.
Ert:…Do we have a morgue?
Ert: Nora, could you please sweep-
Nora: Already on it.
The others all smiled, but as Luna went to take the chest a little bird flew down and landed right on top of it. “Shoo…! Shoo…!” Luna said,
Nora: The little bird inside of the impregnable vault. That’s indoors. And no one finds this odd at all. Everyone is some degree of stupid that fluctuates at random.
but lightning and thunder flashed with the sound of evil laughter, and the bird warped into Night Mare. “Surprise-Surprise!” she hissed. The gang gasped and began back away as the evil demon took the chest. “I’ve been aware of your little intrusion all this time.” she said.
“So why didn’t you stop us then?” asked Buddy Rose.
Ert: Dumb, that’s why.
Night Mare snickered wickedly “How else could I have gotten the final key to assure my ultimate victory?” she said. She hinted that since she couldn’t get to the elements of harmony, she waited until they did it themselves.
Ert: Yeah, but even though you have the Elements of Harmony, you can’t use them. Fuck, even the story understands this.
“You will never be able to use them!” snapped Luna “Only those who are pure in heart can even open that chest, or use the elements of harmony… and your heart is pure evil!”
Ert: See!? So what was Nightmare Moon’s brilliant plan?
Night Mare, well aware of this, laughed evilly. “But now that I have the elements, I can rest assured that they will never be used against me ever again.”
Ert: Yeah, you’re a fucking moron.
Goeth: Here’s a plan. Only Celestia and Luna could open that door because Mykan logic. Kill them. Kill them and no one else could open the door, therefore the Elements could never be used against you. Apparently this is why Goldfinger didn’t want me, I made too much sense.
The unicorns were growing annoyed with the sound of her evil voice,
Nora: Well we’re growing annoyed with every last word that’s been written, so they can suck it up and deal with it.
and drew out their weapons, and stood ready to fight. So did Luna, but Night Mare laughed again, “Foals…!”
Goeth: Is she trying to call them children or is this a play on the old “villains call everyone fools” thing?
Nora: Hell if I know.
and her eyes began to glow, and all four of them were being lifted up by her new psycho-kinesis,
Ert: ARE YOU FUCKING-ARE YOU HONESTLY FUCKING-FOR REAL-FOR FUCKING *Brian strains under sheer concentrated stupidity*
Goeth: Oh dear, reboot him.
and she threw them all out the window, and out of the fortress!
Nora: And none of them died. Sadly.
Twilight and friends heard the commotion and gazed outside. “It’s Princess Luna.” cried Spike, “But… who are they with her?”
Ert: I don’t know Twilight, why you no talk properly?
Nora: Because, unlike us, Mykan doesn’t have a proofreader (We owe you big time Yoshi)
Fluttershy gasped when she saw one of them was Rhymey. Twilight also noticed Night Mare was flying down to face them and she had “The elements of harmony!”
Goeth: This dungeon has an excellent view of everything that is important. Another PCC product it seems.
Ert: Those fucks are never going out business are they?
“How in the apple fields did she get them?” asked Applejack.
Nora: Something something, AJ’s only character is her personality. Even though that was about her job. Mykan can’t even get his simple, spiteful priorities in order.
Down below, the four teammates stood side-by-side as Night Mare narrowed her eyes. “It is time that we settle this little dispute!” she hissed.
“There’s no avoiding it!” said Buddy-Rose
“Do you think we can take her…?” asked Artie.
Ert: I hereby this dialogue “Time wasting.” It adds nothing to the story, develops no character, and isn’t interesting to read. It’s there to fill space and nothing else. I’d call it filler or padding, but those two deserve better than being compared to Mykan.
Luna honestly didn’t know, but she had waited for this ever since her evil side returned. “I swear to you, Night Mare!” she growled “If it takes me to beyond my limitations, I will destroy you for everything you’ve done!”
Nora: Starting to think we should make our own lists.
This only amused Night Mare, “What I have done? I was born out of the jealously and anger you felt towards everyone. We were one in the same, making you just as guilty as me.”
Ert: I am too overwhelmed by the sheer stupidity of that remark to go into great detail on how little sense it makes. So I’ll make it quick. NO!
Nora: Once again, Mykan changes his mind on how Nightmare Moon was born for the sake of cheap drama.
Luna knew that was right, but she made a promise to make up for everything she had done. “Ready, everyone…?” she asked.
Nora: No, I need to tie my shoelace first, call a time out.
The others nodded, and the battle began; only Rhymey swung his sword at Buddy Rose. “Hey!” snapped Buddy, “What are you doing?”
“Something is wrong, I can tell!
“I think I’ve been put under a spell!” cried Rhymey,
Ert: Wow, I thought Mykan was sloppy at introducing new elements before. There’s not even a half assed “suddenly” here.
and he was right, it was Night Mare, using her powers to control him.
Goeth: Something that she can just do. And she isn’t using it on more of them, because the heroes would lose if that happened.
Nora: And of course THAT cant happen.
Now Rhymey was being forced to attack his friends, while they had to defend themselves but didn’t dare to strike Rhymey back!
Ert: *Holds up croquet mallet* I CAN!
Nora: I don’t know what they’re so fussed about. With their track record, they could blast Rhymey with the uni-force and he’d just be lightly bruised.
Luna tried to charge at Night Mare, but even while holding her spell on Rhymey, she raised her hoofs and blasted her back with a powerful wave of magic. This battle was going to be harder than they thought.
Goeth: So what does that mean exactly? How hard did they think the fight was going to be before and how hard do they think it’s going to be now? On a scale of one to ten.
In Unicornicopia, the battle with the clones of Titan’s minions was still going, and getting worse than ever.
Ert: Yeah, it really is. It somehow got even more boring. A massive battle with thousands of people involved and I’m bored out of my skull. That takes effort.
One could look down from the sky and see fighting everywhere as well as hearing clashing of weapons or the clattering of crashes.
Nora: “The clattering of crashes.” The *insert sound effect here* of *insert sound effect here*
Grand Ruler finally arrived on the scene,
Ert: TOOK YOU LONG ENOUGH YOU LAZY ASSHOLE!
and joined in the fight, and brought some of his other guards with him. “You think this intimidates us?” shouted Rep-Stallion, “Get’ em, clones!” and he summoned more of his clones to attack!
Goeth: I see he’s sporting, as apparently he could have summoned these particular clones at any time but chose not to.
Nora: Or he’s an idiot.
Goeth: That too.
Celestia had never known such an invasion attempt before.
Ert: Well neither had anyone else in the story, I don’t know why she of all people got singled out.
Nora: Irony? I don’t know, Mykan’s writing hurts my soul.
“We can’t hold out much longer!” she shouted. “Keep going!” shouted Lightning, “We can do it! Just need a little more fire power.”
Goeth: I feel like this is a strategy that is more designed to serve the ego than anything else. Precision attacks against the original minions would be more tactical.
Ert: But Mykan needs to show how AWESOME his characters are.
“Agreed…!” said Grand Ruler. “Everyone, use your special attacks!”
Nora: Which are different than what they’ve been doing this whole time because the word special is in front of it.
Everyone did as they were told, and it seemed to be working. The clones were being wiped out fast making it easier to break through.
Ert: If they were sitting on attacks that could allow them to steamroll through everything, how come they weren’t using them? Is Mykan capable of writing any kind of drama that isn’t caused by his characters being particularly thick?
Goeth: I’d spin the wheel for that, but all the answers turned into no.
“We need more, clones!” cried Dementia, but the unicorns managed to wipe out the clones faster than the minions could make more,
Nora: The clones were a threat. And then they weren’t.
Ert: This entire story is token.
and soon they were confronted by a whole army of unicorns, with Lightning and friends at the front…
But Suddenly…! Loud explosions were heard as the entire kingdom seemed to shake and quiver. Everyone nearly fell over. “What was that…?” asked Grand Ruler.
“Ay’ Ay’ Ay’! It felt like an explosion!” cried Dyno.
Nora: Why is the racial stereotype copying Alpha from Power Rangers?
Ert: Mykan is even bad at being racist. I don’t even get why he made a hispanic person the one who liked explosives. If you’re going for stereotypes, shouldn’t it be a middle-eastern person? Or at the very least make it a Catholic-Irish character, that way I know you’re just trying to personally piss me off.
“What have you three done now?” snapped Krysta, but the minions were just as worried and admitted that they had nothing to do with it.
Goeth: “We had nothing to do with it.” Something that Mykan just couldn’t manage to type out. Due to some alternate realm having it be slightly shorter that way. Perhaps.
“Look…!” cried Mysterious as a giant molten fireball seemed to soar across the sky and crash into the area around Blacktop Mountain. It crashed hard causing another small quake.
Then, they all saw him… a gigantic black dragon,
Ert: Yeah, spoiler alert, this is Discord. Discord isn’t a dragon. He’s…not a dragon. I mean really. He’s a freaking chimera. But even then, he was given an IN UNIVERSE name. A draconequus. Mykan would’ve known that if he had taken the three seconds needed to spot it in the very first sentence on the FiM wiki.
Nora: Moments like these are why I think he said he doesn’t put any effort into his “bashing” to cover his ass on how terrible his writing is.
with silver claws, large dark red wings, and an evil face that many didn’t recognize, but Celestia and Grand Ruler gasped. “That face!” cried Celestia.
Goeth: Discord is a good friend of mine, and there are more noticeable qualities to him than his face.
“I can’t be!” added Grand Ruler.
The evil dragon laughed loud and hard. “Ahh…! Celesto… It’s been a long time!”
Nora: You just know he’s internally screaming. “Oh God, I have to deal with this prick again?”
“Sire… you know him?” asked Lightning.
Nora: No Mykan, he just knows the Grand Ruler’s name for no reason
Ert: Someone was dropped as a child…
His mentor’s eyes and Celestia’s narrowed in anger. “Discord…!” It couldn’t be anyone else, only now he seemed brand new, larger and stronger and more chaotic than ever. “Why have you come?” Grand Ruler demanded to know.
Goeth: Well it’s Discord. I think you can draw the conclusion yourself, if you really know him Celesto.
“How did you get here?” added Celestia.
Discord chuckled “Do I really have to explain…?”
Nora: You don’t, but the author does. And he’s been rather lacking in that area.
he asked and he explained that he was now a whole new Discord, and his powers and new purpose involved only to destroy and wreak havoc for his own amusement
Ert: You know, aside from the destroy aspect, that’s not too far off from the original Discord. This was a pretty lackluster attempt to reinvent a character.
“I must say Celesto. You have a very lovely kingdom. Surely you won’t mind if I have some fun…?” He laughed.
Goeth: Well there’s something that wasn’t part of the original Discord. The original Discord didn’t talk like a sex offender.
Ert: I want someone in this story to die.
The minions felt outraged. “Who sent you to spoil our fun?” snapped Rep-Stallion “This is our territory.”
“Yeah…!” The other two snarled, but Discord glared at them furiously for daring to question his all-new, mighty power. The minions decided to leave the kingdom and their few remaining clones behind.
Ert: And…they’re gone now. Yup. THEY SURE ADDED A LOT!
“Well… at least that part of the danger is over.” said Brain.
“I say…! He’s going to strike again!” cried Abra.
Nora: Wait, when the hell did Abra get here? The story hasn’t acknowledged his existence for over a dozen chapters!
Ert: This one doesn’t really break that trend. This is the only time he’s mentioned.
Nora: To cut out a lot of boring, Discord goes and smashes up a mountain because because, everyone hits him with everything and it doesn’t work. It was summarized in the story too, but this way it takes up a lot less space.
Ert: Great, he’s copying DBZ and the worse aspects of it too. The only way Mykan can raise the stakes is to constantly keep throwing stronger enemies in. The problem is when you make an emery too strong is that the reader isn’t concerned. They’re just waiting for the Dues Ex Machina to hit.
“Blacktop Mountain…!” peeped Lightning. “It’s… gone…!”
Goeth: Yes, Discord wants to cause havoc, so he destroys a random mountain. Instead of killing people. Because Mykan wants it both ways.
Discord stretched himself out, “That was fun. Now which is next?” Then he just decide to fly around unleash his wrath everywhere he went.
Ert: But only G rated wraith, because Mykan writes for three year olds.
The guards, though devastated by what was happened were still doing their best to stave off the remaining clones the minions had left behind,
Nora: Oh you can’t pretend that those were ever a legitimate threat anymore
Ert: Seriously, you demolished an entire army of them. They’re cannon fodder and you’re not convincing anyone otherwise.
but The Grand Ruler, for the first time ever, was completely overwhelmed by what was happening.
Goeth: In other words, it was the first time he payed attention as a ruler.
Ert: As a ruler? It’s the only time he ever payed attention
He pounded the wall with one of his front hoofs in frustration and just stood like that.
Nora:…That. He did that. Whatever that is. He did it. Like that.
Goeth: Is Mykan French-Canadian? It would explain a lot.
Worse than that, this kind of demonic power was a kind he had never seen before, it was so powerful and breaking his kingdom up worse than anything he had seen. There was nothing he could do to restore the damage at this rate, even with his magic.
Ert: Considering that Titan was the one who made Discord like this (Again, not really a spoiler) I question how the hell that worked out.
Nora: There’s a meta-story to be told here about how all of the characters are ignorant tools and Mykan is playing God with them. Throwing in whatever half baked ideas he thinks are good.
Goeth: Careful now, that sounds intelligent.
“Sire…!” cried Lightning “Sire, are you okay?”
Ert: JUST FUCKING PEACHY LIGHTNING!
His mentor just stood there, hardly moving or blinking his eyes. Celestia tried, but couldn’t get a response either. She realized there was only one course of action. “The kingdom is in danger. We have to evacuate everyone.”
Goeth: *Snort* The entire kingdom. While Discord is actively rampaging through it. I estimate the death count will be in the tens of thousands before you can even get the word out.
Nora: He’s got a point there. The Grand Ruler never seemed to have created a mean of long distance communications. Yet this will turn out happy for everyone, because sad endings give Mykan PTSD flashbacks to an episode of Teen Titans he doesn’t like.
Ert: No, that’s just Tara Strong. (I WISH I WAS FUCKING MAKING THIS UP, BUT HE HONESTLY CLAIMS THAT!)
The unicorns were shocked. “Que…? Leave the kingdom?” asked Myte.
Nora: Ello Seinor! I am hispanic! I live in Spain but I am also Mexican and my sole purpose in life is to exist as a scapegoat for Donald Trump!
“She’s right…” said Lightning, “That demon
Ert: Ok, I’ve been meaning to say this for awhile, stop calling all of the bad guys in your story demons. Are they from Hell? Are they the servants of Satan? Are they the personification of negative emotions? No? THEN THEY’RE NOT FUCKING DEMONS!
Goeth: Simply put, if you wouldn’t find it in Doom, it’s not a demon. Demons are overrated anyway, and they charge too much.
has the fire power to actually blow this whole world apart, and I don’t see much else we can do, but we’ve got to save everyone.”
Nora: And yet he won’t blow the world apart. Because that would probably just end with everyone getting scaled anyway. So really, we didn’t miss out on anything too big.
Ert: Advice Mykan. If your characters never have to face major losses, then the threat of bad things happening mean nothing.
The unicorns began to agree,
Ert: Again, the Grand Ruler outlawed free will.
Goeth: And they’re going to funnel an entire population into one building. This is either impossible, or this is a very small population.
and Krysta made a plan of action for everyone to head to Grand Ruler’s palace and use the portal gateway to escape. “I’ll lead everyone to a safe place I know of.” she said.
Goeth: A safe place you never used to protect your own people
Without a moment to spare, everyone scattered about evacuating the entire kingdom, and all heading to Grand Ruler’s palace to escape to safety. It was very difficult to get everyone out with Discord constantly wreaking destruction all over.
Nora: Clearly not, considering you did it in a paragraph
Goeth: Not even, half a paragraph more like.
The villages were being crushed and pummeled. Even Lightning’s house was completely demolished.
Ert: Oh no! That place I have absolutely no emotional attachment to! Because I don’t even know what it fucking looks like!
All Grand Ruler did was just stand there in the middle of the crumpling Rainbow City, and gazed in devastation at the chaos and nightmares around him.
Nora: Uh. Either Mykan is continuing to write his characters like particularly dim donkeys, or he’s setting up the Grand Ruler to commit suicide…oh who am I kidding.
The long line up at the palace was getting shorter as more and more unicorns escaped into the portal, and Krysta used her magic to transport them to a safe place… a nearby dimension close to the Valley of Fairies she and her people knew of whenever creatures were in danger
Goeth: Again, apparently the mess with Serpent-Terror didn’t count
Ert: Because Mykan hadn’t thought of it yet.
and needed shelter. They called is the Safe Dimension.
Nora: Was Goody Goody Gumdrops Dimension already copyrighted?
The dimension was wide and beautiful with lush meadows and a lake in the center. There was plenty of room for everyone. Several unicorns were hurt, and injured from being hit by the destruction of their homes. Luckily, Dr. Penny and her team were there to help everyone as best they could.
Ert: I’m sure there’s enough food, water and shelter there for an ENTIRE FUCKING NATION! Mykan, google logistics and get reading!
Goeth: He already got bored.
When the last unicorn had gone through, only Lightning, his friends, and Celestia were left
Nora: Well then the last unicorn didn’t go through, because there are around a dozen left. Mykan can’t math.
Ert: Mykan can’t common sense.
“Is that all of them?” Krysta asked. They went over their massive checklists; all the villages and towns had been completely evacuated.
Goeth: In…ten minutes. It’s official. The population of this world is two-hundred. If even.
“Okay! I better check back and see how the others are.” Krysta said and then she jumped into the portal and was gone.
The unicorns stopped to take one last look outside and could hardly believe what was becoming of their home world. Still, they couldn’t stay any longer. They had to go now, but as they went back to the chamber, “Wait…!” hollered Celestia “Where is Celesto?”
Ert: Dead/no one cares/Hell/bottom of a lake/take your pick
Goeth: I want the lake.
“Didn’t he come up with us?” asked Starla, but everyone checked around and he was nowhere to be seen. That’s when Lightning realized, “He must still be in Rainbow City!”
Ert: And him not being on the other side of the portal isn’t an option why?
Everyone gasped and dashed out of the palace like the very lightning that shook the skies,
Noe: Ok one. HA! Second, that doesn’t make any sense. Third, when did a storm start?
becoming more and more violent from the destruction Discord was causing. Sure enough, they found Grand Ruler still standing in Rainbow City square… just… standing there with a look of extreme heartbreak in his eyes.
“Master!” cried Lightning. “What are you doing? We have to go!” but his mentor just stood where he was, hardly moving or making a sound, or even blinking his eyes. Starla tried approaching him softly, “Your highness… what’s wrong?”
Ert: Well his entire kingdom is being sacked…can’t imagine what.
Goeth: I’ve got it! The Grand Ruler is horrible at creating life and could only create life forms with very simple, pre-programed intelligence.
Ert: Ok, that makes WAY too much sense.
Grand Ruler finally explained that his kingdom was ending right before his very eyes. “Everything I worked so hard to make…! Everything I’ve protected and stood for all these centuries…! Everything I’ve held dear to me…!” …It’s gone.”
Nora: Lightning, please point out the obvious about why he’s being a whiny crybaby.
Everyone now understood why he was all frozen up. He was losing his confidence as a royal leader. Lightning approached him, and said “That’s not true. You haven’t lost everything.” He pointed out that although the kingdom was doomed; all the unicorns were safe in the Safe Dimension. “And you still have me… and the rest of us… and Princess Celestia too.”
Ert: Yeah. When you get down to it, he’s upset that all of his STUFF is gone. His people are alive thanks to Mykan’s stupidly unrealistic and saccharine writing, but Mykan still wanted the GR to be sad face about something. So he’s upset over physical objects being destroyed and not death.
Grand Ruler blinked once, and gazed at Celestia. She smiled at him and blinked twice at him. “And you taught us that sometimes things come with a price,
Nora: No he didn’t.
but you shouldn’t let it get you down.” replied Lightning. Celestia and the others nodded in agreement.
With his confidence returning, Grand Ruler admitted “Yes! You’re right.” He was ready to suck it up and leave, but that’s when Discord flew overhead. “Aw… how touching. I think I’m going to cry.”
Goeth: Hey Discord, stop trying to push in on our territory! Either start writing guest entires, or go found your own website! I’m serious, do that, I would check it three times day.
he mocked “But I’m afraid the hour has grown too late, and you’re all going down with this kingdom!”
Ert: Uh “Badass”?
Nora: I guess.
He flew higher, and higher. “What is he doing now?” asked Myte. Dyno scaled a lookout tower and looked through the telescope. “Ay’! He is going to attack the palace!”
“THE PALACE?” everyone cried. “But the portal is in there!” cried Lightning.
Goeth: Which isn’t a big deal, considering it was established that there are other ways to access other dimensons, but they forgot that. Because DRAMATIC
Ert: Dramatic and fucking stupid.
It was too late, with a huge fiery breath; Discord blasted the palace causing a massive explosion in the skies.
Goeth: I told them making a castle out of dynamite was a bad idea. But they didn’t want to listen.
The remains of the palace began to fall from above like a burning meteor, right on top of Rainbow City, and the gang, followed by one of the loudest and deadliest crashes ever to be known, crushing the city into a mountain of rubble and destruction!
Ert: It crushed…the city…into a mountain. I…I just can’t. Goeth, please just tell me that they’re all dead.
Goeth: Yup. Even if that castle was only 10,000 feet above the ground, it’d turn them all into paste
Discord laughed the loudest and hardest and evilest laugh he had ever laughed. “I did it! I destroyed them!” he shouted for joy “Long… Live… Evil!” he continued to laugh!
Nora: Even though absolutely no one ever actually talks like this! We treat evil like it’s a religion because talentless hacks don’t know how to write a three dimensional villain!
Ert: Oh and there’s some more shit about Luna and the other fucklenuts fighting Nightmare Moon, but really it’s just more of the same.
To Be Continued…
Goeth: And thankfully concluded soon.
Ert: You know what just hit me? All the villains in this story are the same. If you were to swap them around, things wouldn’t feel any different at all. Actually, what am I talking about? You could swap around the actions of the heroes and things wouldn’t feel any different at all. Mykan is THAT bad of a writer. Ugh, I need sleep.
Nora: It’s eight in the morning…and you’re absolutely right. That’s sad.