1457: The war of O’khasis – Chapters One and Two

Title: The war of O’khasis
Author: princessteda12
Media: Movie
Topic: Disney’s Mulan
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Chapter One
URL: Chapter Two
Critiqued by Lyle

Hello, lovelies!  Welcome back to the Library and happy Monday.  Today I have a rather interesting pile of word vomit for us to wade through.  I’ve seen worse, but I’m not sure if I’ve seen much that’s made less sense.

Normally, at this point, I’d do a quick background on the source material (Disney’s animated movie “Mulan”), but this week it’s pretty much pointless for one reason:  Other than the general plot, this story has sod all to do with Mulan.  It makes for a short intro, but oh well.  We can’t all be SC.

To begin, I want to share the summary with you guys.  It’s what led me to open the fic and be blown away by the utter suck within.

When the O’khasis gave birth to Racheal the second born in the family, the first born being Garroth, third Zane and last was Vylad. Racheal must learn how to accept who she is. Until when war broke out against the western werewolf tribe and O’khasis, Racheal must disguise herself as a man, make new friends and save her kingdom, with out the help of her friends.

I know you’re all thinking the same general thing:  What the hell did I just read?!  Let’s break it down, shall we?  *hefts the sledgehammer*

When the O’khasis gave birth to Racheal the second born in the family, the first born being Garroth, third Zane and last was Vylad.

This author has written all of two fics, both of which star some girl named Racheal, which is a spelling of that name I’ve never seen before.

*pulls some spare parts out of her desk drawer and wraps them together with duct tape*

The other fic on her profile is posted in a different source section.  This leads me to believe she’s a self insert with an atypically spelled name.

*sets the finished horror on her desk and smacks it twice*

Yup, that’s a Sue: 2

Now that that’s out of the way, who are these other guys?  Those aren’t Chinese names.  There’s no mention of this being an AU with OCs.  What the hell is an O’khasis, and why isn’t the K capitalized?  There are so many questions here.  Thankfully, O’khasis is a very unique name and easy to Google.  I’ll get to what it means in a moment.  First, let’s finish the rest of the convoluted summary:

Until when war broke out against the western werewolf tribe and O’khasis, Racheal must disguise herself as a man, make new friends and save her kingdom, with out the help of her friends.

The way this reads, Racheal has to disguise herself as a man until a war breaks out with some werewolves.  Before that war happens, she is also required to make new friends and save her Kingdom from [error: enemy not found].

And since when have there be werewolves in Mulan?

There aren’t.  Because this isn’t a Mulan fic.  Let me fix this.

Title: The war of O’khasis
Author: princessteda12
Media: Movie  Video Game
Topic: Disney’s Mulan Minecraft
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Chapter One
URL: Chapter Two
Critiqued by Lyle

Yup.  This is actually a Minecraft fic.  It steals the plotline of Mulan, but that’s the only real connection to the source section it’s posted under.  And not only is this a Minecraft fic, it’s a Minecraft fic based on a group of people who posted their Minecraft Role-Play videos on YouTube. O’Khasis is a “Forgotten City” in the YouTube Channel owners’ group play world.  Or something like that.  I don’t know a lot of details because I only skimmed the wiki that popped up when I googled “What the hell is O’Khasis.”

It’s also worth noting that it says that Racheal was born to O’Khasis, as if O’Khasis were a person and not the name of a city.  So, in short, this story is about a girl who has to pretend to be a guy and make some friends, but ditch them to save the city – that is also her mother and/or father – so that it can be ready to go to war with some werewolves.

Clear as mud, and we haven’t even opened the story, yet.  Let’s do that now.

You all know about the 3 brothers of O’kakais, Garroth, Zane, and Vylad.

No, actually, we don’t, because we clicked on this expecting a Mulan fanfic, not a Minecraft one.  We especially did not expect a Minecraft fic from a very specific sub-fandom of Minecraft.  Although I wonder how much of a fan Racheal princesstida really is when she misspelled the name of PapaCity.

 If you don’t then you have a lot of catching up to do.

Oh?  Are you going to educate us about who they are then?

 Anyway, there was also a 2nd oldest, a girl.

Nope, we’re not getting any more information than “if you don’t know, bully for you.”

*sighs heavily*

And we have a numeral in the prose and incredibly casual tone.

*stands up from her chair and grabs Carlos from his charging port*

*BZZZZZZZT!*

And there’s plenty more where that came from.  I’m glad I thought to charge him last night.

And her name is Racheal.

And suddenly, tense change.

But the western wolf tribe was growing stronger and bigger, learn the story of how Racheal saved her kingdom.

You can’t tell me what to do!

*BZZZZZZZT!*

Putting “but” right there makes it sound like the western wolf tribe growing stronger is somehow problematic to Racheal being the second born.  And in no language that I’m aware of would the information about the wolf tribe be placed in the same sentence, or even the same paragraph, as an order to learn about Racheal saving her kingdom.

With that, we’ve read all 59 words of chapter one.  I shit you not.

Chapter two is slightly longer at a whopping 506 words, and that includes (my apologies to Ghostie) POV tags.

Racheal’s P.O.V

Oh, goodie.

I was in the royal garden in the back, climbing the biggest tree.

Son of a bitch.  Not only is it from her perspective, it’s first person perspective to boot.  Fuck a duck sideways.

I had no clue what my brothers were doing right now, maybe they’re just playing with Dante.

Dear god, Racheal, pick a fucking tense!

*BZZZZZZZZZZZZT!*

I just kept climbing higher and higher, as a princess, mom made me do all of that princess stuff.

Did someone just turn over two pages at once?  This whole thing is written like an overly excitable puppy decided to squirrel!

What I wanted to do was go outside and explore. Finally, I reached the top, I pulled myself up and looked at the view. I never knew how beautiful the place was this high up.

How tall is this tree?  Saying it’s the tallest tree in a palace garden is not only incredibly vague but implying that it’s super tall is very unbelievable.  A palace garden is going to be a place of cultivated plants.  The biggest tree you’ll have is probably a topiary or some sort of fruit tree.  You’re not going to see a lot from the top of a fruit tree.

“Racheal!” I looked down, great it was Garroth, Zane, and Vylad looking for me, I didn’t go down, no matter how loud Garroth yells my name.

I’d start a tense counter but we’d  be in the hundreds before we were done.

I thought I was hidden well with my green top and blue jeans, nope.

Yes, because when I think of blending into the surrounding foliage, I think of blue jeans.

“Racheal, I can see you in the tree, get down. You know mother doesn’t like it when you climb the trees in the garden” I heard Zane yell.

Punctuation?  What is punctuation?!

Wait a second.  If Racheal is supposed to be all princess-y, what the hell is she doing in a t-shirt and jeans?  I’m all for a woman wearing whatever she wants, but that sort of contradicts the impression we’ve been given that she’s supposed to behave as a “proper princess.”

“Ugh, fine. What do you guys want?” I replied. Behind them was Laurence, and Dante, the soon to be guards.

You know what would be nice?  Knowing what any of these characters look like.  So far we’ve had so little description that Racheal mentioning she’s wearing a shirt and jeans could be considered costume porn by comparison.

“Mother wants you inside in the throne room.” Said Vylad. What could mom possibly want this time? I’m already done with my morning classes.

Another thing that would help figure out what’s going on is if we had some sort of idea how old Racheal is supposed to be.  She’s pretty damn whiney.

when I reached the throne room, mom and dad were sitting on the talking to the guards about something, then dad pointed outside to the wall, both of the guards nodded and walked out.

They were sitting on the talking?  Sounds uncomfortable.

“Mother, father?” I started. They both turned around, I’m pretty sure they didn’t even notice me in the room ’til now. “You called me to talk about something?” I started again.

*yawns*

“Dear, we already told your brothers. But we just want you to be safe.

*whaps Racheal with the rolled up newspaper*

Stop using the word “but.”  You keep doing it wrong.

The western wolf tribe had teamed up with the thieves, they are growing stronger and powerful at the second.

A few seconds from now and they’ll stop growing stronger, though.

Seriously, are you even reading what you’ve written?  Here’s a helpful hint for all aspiring writers:  Read aloud what you have written.  If it doesn’t sound correct, it isn’t.  You can just keep throwing words in without a clear understanding of what they mean.

We want you to be safe and not go outside of the village walls until we clear this up.” stated Father. so I guess no more adventuring for me then, wait, I was cut short from Mother talking.

Uhhh…  What?  This implies that you were cutoff, causing your mother to stop talking.

Stop

*bap*

Using

*bap*

Words

*bap*

If

*bap*

You

*bap*

Don’t

*bap*

Know

*bap*

How

*bap*

They’re

*bap*

Used!

*bap*

“Until then, you may play in the royal garden. But just be careful when dealing with your brothers, especially Zane.”

If Zane is such a problem, why don’t they deal with it?  You know, do this thing called ‘Parenting’?

I knew what she said, when ever Zane gets angry it’s either because he lost a game from Garroth, he lost a games from Laurence, he lost a games from Dante, or he lost a game from all three of them combined.

O…kay… how does him being a terrible sport mean she has to watch out for him?  Does he go beat her up because he loses all the time?  Smack that kid, PapaCity!

“Okay, I should head over to the Garden right now, bye”

Why?  Do you have some sort of pressing tree-climbing engagement you’re late for?

I walked to the garden, thinkin of a way to get over the wall with out being seen. And I might need some help for it.

*smacks the counter*

Yup, that’s a Sue: 3

Two dangerous factions have joined forces with an unknown goal but potentially to the detriment of your kingdom, and you think it’s a good idea to go outside the protective walls?  Are you daft?

“Are you crazy?! Mother and father clearly told us not to go over the castle walls” replied Garroth.

Thank you, Garroth, for your poorly punctuated yet appropriate response to your idiot sister’s request for help.

“I know, that’s why I’m doing it, I just have to talk to a friend. Who might have solution to solve this problem.” I replied back.

If your friend might have a solution to this entirely contrived issue, why the hell aren’t you telling your parents about it?  You sound like stuck up thirteen year old.  Go get an adult.  Instead of sneaking out into danger, you could go with an armed escort.  Much safer.

*bap*

“Anyone in?” they all just looked at each other, finally, Zane said “I’m in” along with Vylad. we all looked at Garroth, waiting for his answer.

“Sigh, I’m in”

Oooh, you did not just type out the word “sigh” in the dialogue.  Holy horse shit.  *grabs Carlos*

*BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!*

Bad author!  People don’t say the word sigh!  They actually fucking sigh.  It’s a friggin’ verb.

This is getting too dumb to brain right now.  Join me next week when we finish this… whatever it is.  Ta!

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18 Comments on “1457: The war of O’khasis – Chapters One and Two”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    Why does this have a Minecraft tag?

    And why does the story make more sense set in Minecraft than Mulan?

    • AdmiralSakai says:

      Title: The war of O’khasis
      Author: princessteda12
      Media: Movie Video Game
      Topic: Disney’s Mulan Minecraft
      Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
      URL: Chapter One
      URL: Chapter Two
      Critiqued by Lyle

      Yup. This is actually a Minecraft fic. It steals the plotline of Mulan, but that’s the only real connection to the source section it’s posted under. And not only is this a Minecraft fic, it’s a Minecraft fic based on a group of people who posted their Minecraft Role-Play videos on YouTube. O’Khasis is a “Forgotten City” in the YouTube Channel owners’ group play world. Or something like that. I don’t know a lot of details because I only skimmed the wiki that popped up when I googled “What the hell is O’Khasis.”

      Oh.

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    But the western wolf tribe was growing stronger and bigger, learn the story of how Racheal saved her kingdom.

    You can’t tell me what to do!

    *BZZZZZZZT!*

    Putting “but” right there makes it sound like the western wolf tribe growing stronger is somehow problematic to Racheal being the second born. And in no language that I’m aware of would the information about the wolf tribe be placed in the same sentence, or even the same paragraph, as an order to learn about Racheal saving her kingdom.

    I think it sounds like the Western Werewolf Tribe is getting stronger by learning how Racheal saved her kingdom.

  3. AdmiralSakai says:

    I walked to the garden, thinkin of a way to get over the wall with out being seen. And I might need some help for it.

    “Are you crazy?! Mother and father clearly told us not to go over the castle walls” replied Garroth.

    Ok, so either the author accidentally a whole goddamn paragraph, or Garroth is telepathic.

  4. GhostCat says:

    Chapter two is slightly longer at a whopping 506 words, and that includes (my apologies to Ghostie) POV tags.

    :eye-twitch:

    Frickin’ albatross around my neck.

  5. AdmiralSakai says:

    Wow.

    This makes less sense than most creepypasta.

  6. GhostCat says:

    “Are you crazy?! Mother and father clearly told us not to go over the castle walls” replied Garroth.

    Technically they told her not to go over the village walls, which are a totally different thing. Probably.

  7. BatJamags says:

    With that, we’ve read all 59 words of chapter one. I shit you not.

    I… just…

    [SCENE CENSORED FOR EXTREME VIOLENCE – PLEASE STAND BY]

    *BatJamags is sitting in the middle of a room that could easily have been the site of a tornado, except that still wouldn’t explain all the damage*

    So…

    It’s going to be one of those days.

  8. BatJamags says:

    Alright, what the hell did I just read?

    • GhostCat says:

      Things happening, possibly due to stuff and/or because blue.

    • parrish122 says:

      My theory is that the author had a stroke while writing this. Or she was hoping to cause her readers to think they’d recently had a stroke.
      Or I suppose both of those things could be true.

  9. BatJamags says:

    I keep seeing the title of this fic and all I can think of is the O’Kaysions.

  10. With that, we’ve read all 59 words of chapter one. I shit you not.

    *ERROR PI: AGIG.EXE IS NOT RESPONDING*

    Cain: Not again.

  11. SC says:

    We can’t all be SC.

    *smugness intensifies*

  12. […] Jeff the Killer Jeff the Killer clones The Lone Wolf Of The Normandy Adopted Unknown Origins The war of O’khasis A Daughter My Inner Life A Very Special Christmas My Bleeding Crimson Despair A New Metal Cyborg […]


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