1455: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors – Chapter Twelve, Part Five

This riff took for-fucking-ever and I’m sick of looking at it, so I’m not doing bio pictures this time. Not like that’s any huge loss, right? -SC

Title: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors
Author: Stone-Man85
Media: Movie
Topic: Princess Mononoke
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Chapter Twelve
Critiqued by SC, Specs, Transitions, and Doc

Doc: Why’s this guy chained to the floor?

Safety precautions.

Doc: What, is he made of plutonium? Safety precautions my ass, why is he actually chained to the floor?

???: Because if I weren’t, everybody here would already be dead and I’d be free to return to my unfinished business.

You mean wiping out the Specs and Co. and their respective evil twins, because you think they’re too dangerous to let live, and you feel the need to do the world a favor.

???: If you’re capable of comprehending my reasoning, why not just let me be about my business? It’s not like you care much for any of them, yourself.

Doc: Might have been the part where you just said that you would kill us and everybody else who got in your way in order to escape.

That, and I’m kind of the anchor point for their souls, so you’d have to kill me anyhow. Call me crazy, but I’m not a big fan of dying.

???: If it makes you feel better, it’s not as though I’d enjoy doing it.

Doc: Yeah, oddly enough, that just makes me want to throw more chains on you.

*Specs steps in cautiously, sword drawn*

Specs: Bifocals told me what was going on ahead of time. I can’t believe you brought this crazy fucker back to life!

Yeah, but here’s the thing: not only is he chained to the floor, but I made him being your equal in strength non-canon for the sake of getting through this riff in one piece.

???: So that’s why my body feels like lead.

Specs: He doesn’t need to be strong if you let him keep his… uh… the… the thinky-word that starts with an “I”.

Doc: …Intelligence?

Specs: Yeah, that.

Another thing: even if he did get out, he’s in the Library.

???: …I’m sorry, I thought I was in a high-security prison cell?

Nope. The Library.

???: Well fuck, there go all my escape plans. Guess I’m stuck.

Specs: Why do I get the feeling you’re being sarcastic?

???: I’m not. I have an army of ninja, including a soup ninja and animal lover ninja, a bunch of dinosaurs – Force-sensitives and the regular variety – the other Librarians, you jerks, a vampire intern, the DRD if I’m really unlucky, and at least one or two Stus who work here now. Not to mention the Lovecraftian layout of this place, which means I’d have an easier time jumping into a lava pit by accident than actually finding the way out. What are your estimates of my chances of success?

Specs: …Wow, you’re fucked, and it didn’t even take the utter decimation of an alternate universe this time!

…Are you two done? I need to get my riff started sometime today, if you don’t mind.

???: Nobody was stopping you from continuing on without us.

Fair point, actually.

Hello, and welcome back to Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors, by Stone-Man85! I’m your host, SC, and last time, apart from Doc getting pissed about Alex making a mockery of his profession, the only real interesting thing that happened was that I blew up Bifovals. I then blew her up again by accident when I made the mistake of introducing logic to her bionic upgrades. To the best of my knowledge, she respawned perfectly fine, which means Bifocals doesn’t get off so easy as she was hoping.

[*unhappy whining noises* -Bifocals]

This week, Paulo decided to swap his spot out for Doc, so I’ve got him in the riff – legitimately, for once!

Doctor Bradley Bartell, alias Doc, was initially just your standard hospital MD. He and his twin brother, Doctor Andrew Bartell, were among the most capable and respected doctors on the hospital’s payroll, even if Doc didn’t exactly have the most stellar attitude (which he attributes to a combination of shitty patients, family drama and working for about twenty years in the medical field). However, after a string of incidents where it seemed like the world was out for his head, Doc finally got fed up and left, only to be approached immediately afterwards by Cobalt, a notorious mercenary captain and feared hacker who dedicated his efforts to trying to keep innocent people safe from shady organizations that would rather sow the seeds of discord. He informed Doc that his employer, Director Richard Dole of Guardian PMC, was in the market for a damn good medic to be placed in Cobalt’s elite team, and Doc happened to fit the bill quite nicely. Doc accepted, figuring that mercenary work might not be nearly as bullshit as his previous job ended up being, and here we are now.

As for the other guy… meet Transitions Lenses. Better known as just Transitions. I need not say who this guy is the evil twin of, Specs is sitting right next to him. Unfortunately, as one might have guessed, Transitions was born from Specs’ intellectual brilliance after Specs got nailed by his First Death. I’ve said it before, but Specs could easily be one of the most dangerous men alive if he allowed himself to be smart. He’s already way too strong for anybody but Monocle, Sports Shades and Book Specs to take on in a fair fight, and even they struggle to get one over on him.

Transitions is exactly the reason why we like Specs to be stupid. He’s Specs, back when Specs was one of the most feared men in the known world.

To make matters worse, not only is Transitions actually evil, he’s the kind of villain who thinks that he’s doing the world a favor by being a dick. No, there’s no grand scheme to control the world or anything like that, he’s just out to annihilate the Specs and Co. and the other evil twins at all costs, is all. Which wouldn’t necessarily be a bad thing, because I’m just waiting for the idiots to cause the apocalypse by accident anyhow, except “at all costs,” to Transitions, means, “fuck anybody who gets in my way.”

Transitions: Not that I would enjoy killing them, mind.

That doesn’t exonerate you, pal.

So, now that we’ve introduced the two new guys, let’s finally get into the actual riff:

“Who’s here?” Alex asked, twisting around in his binds, “Come on, San, talk to me here! Just what’s going on!”

Calm down, Alex, it’s just us, come for our weekly round of mocking you and all that you stand for. After this many chapters, you should really be used to it.

When he heard the approaching sounds of crunching leaves and twigs, and rustling in the trees above, he finally understood what the Princess Mononoke had meant. He could then hear the faint sound of breathing as well as low pitched grunting. ‘Oh crap!‘ he thought to himself when he saw the dots of blood-red eye studying him from the thick blackness that surround him.

Doc: I badly wish that those actually turned out to be laser dots and he was about to get opened up on by a squadron of guerrillas.

That would almost be too good for him, you know?

Doc: There’s a lot of things that would be too good for this punk.

This is definitely not good.

Transitions: I don’t know why he bothers being so dramatic, he’s going to be fine, the audience knows this.

Honestly, for as shit as his character is, I almost wish Stone-Man85 had made Alex genre-savvy so that we wouldn’t have to put up with these fake drama bits that we know will end perfectly fine for him.

Specs: Do you think that would make this fic better?

It’ll be written by Stone-Man85, so no.

When the group of apes scuttled out into the open, the dark haired youth


Transitions: Apparently, this is as big a problem for him as trees being blue is for Bifocals.

felt his skin ripple with goose bumps.

Doc: Well, that’s the grossest description of getting goosebumps that I’ve ever read. I don’t know if I should congratulate the author for weirding me out or cuss him out for it.

Keep in mind, folks: Doc has 20+ years of medical experience. He’s not new to gross shit.

Specs: Wait, he’s in his thirties?

Doc: Forties. I started licensed work at twenty, worked in a hospital for another eighteen years, and have been a mercenary doctor for five years, presently.

Specs: What is up with all these forty-year-olds looking like they haven’t aged a day past twenty-five?

Well, in both Paulo and Doc’s cases, they are extremely healthy and fit, Paulo due to being a soldier, and Doc because he practices healthy living in the home as well as at work, so that probably plays a big hand in it.

Transitions: Besides, you’re one to talk. You’re age-locked at twenty-one, when you should logically be somewhere around eight hundred years old or so.

Specs: Well, let’s see, I was at my prime during the Third Crusade, died about three years after it was over… sooo, 2016 – 1196, I think… yeah, something like eight hundred and twenty years, give or take.

Doc: Well shit, you look fantastic for being the oldest human being on the face of the earth.

Except he’s not human anymore.

Doc: Details.

For in each of the ape’s hand was what appeared to be some sort of primitive looking spear made from thin tree branches. But it was the way they moved that sent Alex’s blood into a chill.

Doc: Oh look, Alex became a naked, frozen blood balloon again.

You might not appreciate the image that gives off, but I still find it hysterical.

Though fairly clumsy and unrefined, the ape’s movements possessed a terrifyingly human-like characteristic.

Transitions: Evolutionists everywhere just rolled their eyes.

Specs: “Oh, apes are moving like humans? YOU DON’T FUCKING SAY.”

“San?” Alex called out struggling in his binds, “San, I could really use your help over here!”

“And just what am I supposed to do?”

“I don’t know!” Alex replied as he watched the apes make their way towards him, “But seeing as how I can’t really move right now, it would be really nice if you thought of something!”

Right, sure, she’s in a cage, you’re strung up by your ankles. Both of you are hanging way up off the ground. San can totally Indiana Jones your guys’ way out of this one.

The ring of spear-wielding apes suddenly stopped and squatted just a few feet away from the dark-haired youth. Their glowing red eyes scrutinized him viciously

*Ape-bro 1* “His hair sucks.”

*Ape-bro 2* “What’s with his clothes? Lame.”

*Ape-bro 3* “You’d think he would have turned more red by now, what’s up with this bullshit?”

Alex stared back at his simian captors and tried to smile, but to no avail, “Ummmmm… okay, okay! he called out, trying to imitate the stereotypical calling sounds of a monkey,

Yeah, hey, Alex? If one of those guys isn’t a monkey god, they’re at least monkey demigod figures, I’m assuming, and you just insulted them straight to their faces, knowing full well that they have you by the balls right now. You are just full of stupid, stupid ideas.

Doc: Serious question, here – does this kid have some undiagnosed aneurysm? Did he have a stroke early in life that left the logical-thinking side of his brain permanently crippled? Maybe he suffers from a relatively minor, but still problematic form of mental retardation?

Are you trying to make excuses for him?

Doc: I’m trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and get a read on how he could possibly be this damn stupid without just outright saying he’s fucking stupid, is what I’m doing.

Transitions: Don’t waste your time. If this kind of stupidity could be equated to mental instabilities, we would have been much nicer to him.

Doc: So he’s literally just that fucking stupid?

Yup. Because his author seems to think that’s what good story protagonists are like… at least, the ones in those cheesy action animes he jacks off to.

*Doc sighs and rubs his temples*

Doc: Next question: does the author suffer from some kind of mental retardation?

That one, I’m less certain of.

“I don’t suppose I could interest you guys in a banana?” There was a sudden sharp pain in his side, “Ow!” he cried out and looked to his right to see that one of the apes had poked him with its spear, “That hurt, you circus chimp!” another ape poked him in his back , “Hey, Knock it off already.” But the apes just proceeded to poke and prod the helpless human, chattering wildly as he cried out in pain.

That’ll teach him to be racist.

Specs: No it won’t.

I can dream, God damn it!

Doc: I love how they’re doing this to him:

Doc: …And he’s acting like they’re doing this to him:

Doc: Kid’s a real wuss.

Bro, we’ve been saying that forever, now.

“Stop it!” San suddenly called out, “Leave him alone!”


The apes ceased their assault on Alex and turned to glare at the Princess Mononoke, “This not concern wolf-girl!” One of the more larger of the apes retorted, it’s basso voice echoing through the trees.

Every time Stone-Man85 uses basso incorrectly, Herr gets another rage hernia.

Another ape picked up a small rock and threw it at San’s cage,

Transitions: Well, that was rude.

“Wolf-girl only here because wolf-girl got in ape’s way. Only still alive because wolf-girl is daughter of Moro.”

Doc: Whenever someone pulls that line on me, that the only reason they’re not killing me is because I work for the people I do, I take that as my cue to shoot them, because they’re clearly not going to try and stop me due to my employer scaring them shitless, right?

Sounds logic to me.

Alex stared blankly at the apes who had spoken. ‘Okay,‘ he thought to himself. So I wasn’t hearing things; they are talking. Did I just wander onto the set of Planet of the Apes?

I’ll let him have this one, he didn’t say it out loud where people would have no idea what he was talking about this time.

He then looked at the Princess Mononoke, ‘And is it just me, or did San actually just stand up for me?

Specs: Disappointingly, yes.

“I’m afraid for reasons I don’t wish to go into, whatever concerns this human concerns me as well,” San answered.

Transitions: Oh, bullshi-

“Besides, I’ve already claimed first rights to killing him.”

Transitions: Consider my comment rescinded.

“Thanks San,” Alex said in a droned voice, “That really makes me feel better.”

Doc: Damn, that means we did it wrong. Ah well, every good doctor failed at least once in their career.

The wolf-girl rolled her eyes back and continued, “Just what do you apes plan to do with him?”

“This is our forest!” the ape shot back, “Wolf-girl ask no questions, wolf-girl hold no authority here!”

“I don’t, but my mother does!” San shouted, her voice rippling with anger, “Now tell me what you’re going to do with him!”

Doc: I wouldn’t give her an explanation if her mother was Dole.

Even though Dole could have his two ace hitmen Rex and Dorian kill your ass?

Doc: I’m stubborn, what can I say?

Transitions: So is Specs, where dying is concerned, which is why killing you is my only solution.

Yeah, and fuck that noise, I’ll just have you re-destroyed after this riff is done.

Transitions: Why do you hate your fellow man so much? I’m just trying to do the world a favor, is that so bad?

Yes, because I like not dying.

“Yeah, just what are you gonna do with me?” Alex asked once more.

“With human eyes, apes shall see world as human’s do. With human flesh apes shall feel the strength that humans feel. With human blood, apes shall know knowledge humans know!”

Doc: That’s not how transplants work, ace.

Shh, let them have their moment.

“What?” San raised an eyebrow, and wrapped her hands around two of her cage’s bars, “What are you saying? Just what does all of that mean?”

“We shall eat human’s flesh and drink human’s blood,” The ape said, sneering at her.

Doc: That’s even less how transplants work.

Yeah, I’ma go ahead and side with you on that one.

“Say what?” Alex asked shocked, Please tell me you’re joking, right?”

Specs: Please be serious, please be serious, please be serious, please be serious…

San’s eyes widened in horror, “Eat him? You’re going to eat him?” She felt as though she were going to be nauseous right then and there, “You can’t be serious! What do the apes hope to gain by eating a human?”

I dunno, tastes like chicken?

Doc: Closer to pork, if I had to guess. Pig skin and human skin are pretty similar in cell structure, so I’d imagine that the meat inside would-

Okay, I was joking?

“Who care what they hope to gain!” Alex shouted hysterically, “They’re gonna eat me!”

Transitions: At least you’ll be dead.

Doesn’t hurt my feelings any!

Doc: It’s a bit unsanitary for my tastes. They’re not even gonna cook him properly first?

“When human body fills ape’s bellies,” another ape added, ignoring the hysterical youth, “apes shall have power to kill humans. Soon apes take back land humans stole.”

Specs: Pretty sure that line of thinking only works with souls. Unless these apes subscribe to the idea of the body being the soul in corporeal form, in which case, nevermind.

Been hanging around Booky again, have you?

[Oddly enough, he wasn’t nearly as annoying as he usually is. -Book Specs]

“Ummm, Excuse me?” Alex said, “Believe me when I tell you this: you don’t want to eat me. The last thing you guys want is inside me at this point.”

EW! That isn’t even what they were fucking talking about, Killian, you gross-ass motherfucker!

Transitions: I feel unclean.

Doc: I might be violently ill now.

Specs: Thankfully, I had a smudge on my glasses that I was dealing with, so I have no idea what you guys are- OH MY GOD, KILLIAN!

“You can’t be serious!” San shouted, “Eating human flesh won’t give you strength. It’ll just turn you into something worse than humans! Don’t you understand that?”

They’re apes, San, not alchemists.

[*snorts derisively* -Book Specs]

“I like the way this girl thinks at this point. You should listen to her.”

Specs: Ignore Alex, apebros, he’s always wrong forever.

“Apes have no other choice, wolf-girl,” the ape said, “Humans grow strong, while apes grow weak. Apes plant trees, but human’s destroy them. If apes must become worse than humans to kill humans, then that is ape’s karma.

Transitions: They’re going to willingly enact the He Who Hunts Monsters trope?

You should be proud.

When Alex could no longer keep his rising temper at bay his mouth suddenly burst open into a hysterical tirade.

Doc: In my professional medical opinion, I’m pretty sure he just broke his own jaw.

“Hey, I’m talking to you!” He shouted as loud as lungs would allow him.

*All turn and stare at the source of rather quiet, high-pitched squealing, which happens to be Bifocals*


Bifocals: I get scared when people are shouting.

Then why do you riff with me?

Both San and the apes were taken back by the sudden outburst of hostility.

“When human body fills ape’s bellies, apes shall have power to kill humans? That has got to be the biggest load of crap I’ve ever heard! Where did you all get your sense of logic? Did you pull it out of your butts or something? You’re talking about eating me here!”

I know, it’s awesome. Well, the part where you’ll be dead, I mean. The eating you thing is still squicking me out a bit.

“Will you just calm down, Alex” San growled, “I really don’t think panicking is going to help us very much.”

“Oh yes, that’s just so easy for you to say isn’t it, Miss Princess Mononoke? You’re not the one these things are planning to turn into human flavored chimp-chow! Who wouldn’t be panicking!”

“Because it wouldn’t do either of us any good, you stupid human!”

“Will you stop calling me stupid, you wolf-kissing pain in the… !”

Now children, let’s keep this PG-13 please.

“Be silent, human!” An ape flared its arm out and smacked Alex with its spear, “Human voice like dying boar’s squeal!”

I would know, I had him tied up here for a while.

The ape then turned to its comrades, “Time grow short. Let us feast upon man-creature’s tender flesh!”

“No!” San screamed. Without even thinking about what she was doing, she jumped to her feet and thrashed wildly at the bars of her cage, “Get away from him!”

Doc: San’s clearly delirious from the stresses of her present situation. Might I suggest, for lack of a sedative, a good knock-out punch across the face, to keep her from hurting herself?

“Hey, wait a minute!” Alex shouted, shaking and struggling like a madman, “Come on, can’t we talk about this? I mean, I told you I got something that you guys don’t want to get. If you eat me, you’ll be getting the same problem that I had.”

Doc: Oh dear, Alex has AIDS.

Transitions: That would imply that he may have had sex sometime in his life, and you and I both know that’s incorrect.

Doc: Alright, fine, he picked up norovirus on his fight to Japan.

Specs: That can happen?

Doc: Just because it’s called the “cruise ship virus” doesn’t mean it has to strictly be a cruise ship.

His eyes wavered from side to side as his mind worked frantically to find a way out of his predicament, “San?” he yelled, “Oh, San!” he cried again, his voice filled with hysteria, “San! For the love of all that’s sacred and good, help me!”

“What do you think I’m trying to do!” San shouted back, ramming the bars with her shoulder, “Just hold on a little longer!”

“I don’t have a little longer to hold onto!”

Specs: Yeah, sorry, Bifocals used up her last A Little Longer to extend someone’s desk or something.

As the long-fingered hands of the apes drew closer to him, Alex shut his eyes and tried to twist himself around on the vine that was tethered to his ankles. “San, please!” he cried once more, “I don’… I don’t wanna die… I DON’T WANN DIE!”

And where many people would suddenly be filled with an acute fight or flight mentality when faced with danger, Alex has instead chosen the unlisted third option, “cry,” and reverted to a four year old in his time of desperation.

Specs: Wasn’t Time of Desperation a boss fight song from one of those Clock Tower games?

I think you might be confusing that with Time of Confrontation:

Transitions: You were just looking for an excuse to weasel video game music into your riff, weren’t you.

And what if I was?

Before he could say another word the apes were upon him, biting and pawing at him mercilessly.

A sudden shriek of rage ripped through the trees, bringing the wild apes to a silent pause. Their glowing, red eyes moved up the side of a tree and came to rest on the solitary shape crouching on the branches, “That’s enough! the shape said angrily, “Step away from the human-child, now!”

The leader of the ape-group lunched himself away from the cluster and glared at the intruder. “This not concern you, follower of Forest King!” it growled, “We caught human, so human ours to do with what we please.”

The figure in the trees snorted, and then descended from where it was perched. When it landed on the ground, the moonlight shined upon its stumpy from. The creature was in fact another ape. However, unlike the others, this one was covered in a slightly lighter colored fur and its eyes glowed with a gentle hue of green.

Does Japan have Silverbacks?

Doc: Don’t know. Haven’t really been there in a while, and the times I did go certainly weren’t to look at the wildlife.

The ape snorted again and moved closer to its red-eyed rival. “You and your clan have gone too far this time, Saru!” it said, “Do our ways mean so little to you that you would gladly discard them without hesitation?”

It’s Alex, bro. It’s not like discarding your ways is hurting anything particularly important.

The ape called Saru growled at the newcomer and exposed his menacing fangs, “Old ways of apes are for weak!” he retorted bitterly, “Old ways useless in time of war.”

Specs: Said the Sith to the Jedi.

“And you’re ways are supposed to bring about a better world for our kind?” the green-eyed ape said quickly, “Hate only begets Hate, Saru! Have you forgotten all that the Wise One has taught us?”

My God, this actually is Star Wars.

“Forest King weak!” Saru spat, “Forest King say to let human’s live in Valley. Say to exist as one with humans. Wise One fool!”

*Shishigami* “Did I just hear a little bitch?”

A hint of anger suddenly rose in the green-eyed ape, and he moved closer to Saru. “The only fool here, Saru, is the one I am speaking to.” He then glanced at the young human who was still in the other ape’s possession, “But whether or not you still believe in the Forest King’s words is irrelevant. You will release that human, now.”

When Saru crouched lower, ready to pounce, the trees suddenly became filled with the angry cries of the green-eyed ape’s many comrades. Saru looked about the tree branches with a look of terror in his crimson eyes.

“There’s no point in challenging us, Saru. My brothers have this entire area surrounded,” The green-eyed monkey took a step forward. “Now tell your clan to release the human. If so we shall let you leave unharmed.”

The dark ape grunted, looked back at his clan and grunted again. “This not over, follower of Forest King,” he said before darting off into the shadows. After the other apes exchanged confused looks, they dropped their makeshift-weapons and followed there retreating leader.

Transitions: “Unusually Well-Prepared Savior?” Isn’t that an action movie trope?

When all was once again quiet, the green-eyed ape smiled and turned to the imprisoned wolf-girl, “Daughter of Moro!” he called out to her, “Though I’m not sure that I truly need to ask, are you in need of aid?”

San returned the smile, “In many ways, friend,” she replied. “But I think that my fr—, I mean, the human may need it more than I do at the moment.”

Cut to Alex, curled up in a quivering little ball and sucking on his thumb.

Doc: I thought I’d be more concerned, given my profession, but I find myself strangely satisfied to know that Alex probably has a fear-induced mental condition now.

The ape looked over at Alex who was, at the moment, too dazed to say a word other than garbled gibberish,

So, Evan Baxter, then?

Specs: …What, no YouTube clip?

That’s the thing, I can’t find one from that movie with just the gibberish. All I can hope is that people know the joke I’m trying to make.

“I suppose you’re right.” He then looked towards a spot in the trees. “Help the young one down, and cut him loose. Be careful not to hurt him, now.”

Doc: Oh, by all means, hurt him. But, you know, make it look like an accident so that you can say that you were trying to be careful.

I’d be more worried that you just said that if I didn’t know that your boss’ boss is kind of a sadistic fucker.

Doc: It’s really telling when a bloodthirsty psychopath like Dole is the one trying to bring peace to the world and all the sane people are trying to oppose him. The Captain even told me in private that he never thought he’d be stuck with the choice of protecting innocents or protecting innocents.

Transitions: Rather an outlandish choice to have to make, isn’t it?

It’s kind of a massive Catch 22 – sure, Dole very clearly enjoys hurting people, and who knows how dangerous he could become if left unchecked, but at the same time, getting rid of him takes away the security the people know they can rely on at the moment, and it also leaves Cobalt with… what, his squad, the resources they have access to on their own, and maybe whatever stragglers from Dole’s payroll that wouldn’t be out for Cobalt’s head? Not a lot to use to fight the people he opposes, is it? So, you can’t get rid of Dole because you’ll be hurting yourself and everybody else more than you’ll be helping them, but leaving Dole alive is telling him that he’s free to be as big a bastard as he pleases because you can’t afford to lose him as an ally.

Doc: Yep. It’s an incredibly shitty situation we’re stuck in. The worst part is that he orchestrated it that way, and we all know it, but can’t do shit to derail it. Worse yet, he was responsible for busting the Captain out of jail, so he owes Dole big in the first place, which means that even if he didn’t have his reservations about sacrificing one for the sake of the other, his hands are tied anyhow.

Specs: See, this is why I’m glad that the guys I ran with didn’t let themselves be indebted to anybody.

Doc: Pretty sure the Captain’s wishing he had gone that route.

*Transitions coughs*

Oh, right, the riff.

A group of apes, all green-eyed and light-furred like their leader, scrambled down the side of a tree and quickly rushed to help Alex. As they did this, a few moved about San’s cage, loosening and cutting the places that held the small structure together.

When the cage’s durability was finally diminished to the point of collapse, San, smashed and burst through the bars as though hatching from an egg.

First of all, ew. Second of all, she couldn’t have just waited until they disassembled the cage for her? Impatient, much?

“Finally!” she said, stretching out the stiffness and cramps her muscles had acquired.

Doc: Stretch out cramps. That’s a good one. I’m guessing this kid doesn’t realize that cramps have this nasty habit of locking your joints down?

I wouldn’t be surprised in the least.

She then looked down at the leader of the new group of apes and nodded her head. “My thanks, brother ape,” she said.

The ape returned the nod. “It pains me to see how much their bitterness and hatred has consumed them,” he said sadly, “They can’t even talk with the same fluidity that they had been able to only so long ago.”

Transitions: Neither can you, buddy.

San was about to reply when she saw Alex being steadied by a couple of apes who were trying their best to keep him in a stable sitting position. The youth had an empty look of shock and confusion on his face, and his eyes stared off into nothingness.

Hey, that’s an improvement for his character.

“Alex?” she said and walked over to him. She knelt down and touched his cheek gently, “Are you alright?”

The young outlander did not reply but mumbled something incoherent that San could not understand.

She shook him gently by his shoulders, “Come on, snap out of it!” she ordered him with very little progress. The young wolf-girl then looked at the two primates who were keeping Alex from toppling over with a surprisingly genuine expression of concern on her face. “What’s wrong with him?”

“The young human is just in shock,” the ape on the left answered, “Perhaps if you were to gentl…”

Before the ape could finish, San slapped Alex across the face as hard as she hear the ‘crack’ of her palm hitting the young outlander’s cheek.

Specs: I’m beginning to understand why you’re such a fanboy for San.

Took you twelve chapters to figure it out, huh?

The sharp impact of the girl’s slap smacking his skin brought Alex out of his daze like the crack of a whip.

I… don’t even know what to make of that sentence, really.

“OOOOOOOOOOOOOW!” he yelped, coming to his senses.

Doc: She slapped you. That was it. Quit acting like you just got shot in the nuts.

Hey, I could go shoot him in the nuts, if nobody has any objections.

He placed a hand against his burning cheek and cringed. “Why’d you do that for?” he whined looking at San with a hurt expression.

San rolled her eyes and sighed. “You were in shock,” she said plainly, “It was the only thing I could think of at the moment to wake you up.”

Doc: Question: I’m not saying it’s impossible, but how is it that a forest-dwelling, animal-raised girl even knows what being in shock is? Or the animals who informed her, for that matter?

…You know, if you hadn’t asked that so close to the end of the riff, I’d definitely be expanding on that question.

Alex clenched his teeth as he felt the side of his now reddened cheek begin to throb, “Okay, that makes sense,” he said. “but did you have to hit me that hard?”

“Don’t be such a weakling,” San retorted and stood up, “You should be grateful that I’m even slightest bit concerned about you.”

I hate that Stone-Man85 is making San tsundere. I mean anime-tsundere, she kind of behaves like it in the movie, too, but it’s a lot more realistically done.

“Right,” Alex muttered, “So now what do we do?” He felt something tugging on his shirt. When he looked down to see what it was his eyes widened at the sight of the green-eyes ape standing at his side, “Whoa crap!” he exclaimed, falling to the ground as he jumped back. “Kill it, San, kill it!”

*apebro* “What? I was just gonna offer you these berries I found, sheesh.”

Another open palm found his other cheek, silencing him.

The Princess Mononoke glared at her companion. “It!” she hissed, “just happens to be the reason you’re still alive!” She looked down at the ape and smiled apologetically. “I’m sorry about his rudeness, brother ape,” she said, “I’m afraid that this human’s mouth is faster than his mind most of the time.”

“Most?” I’m 100% certain that there has yet to be a moment in this fic where Alex’s train of thought was actually on point.

When she saw that Alex was about to open his mouth once more, she shot him an icy stare that rendered him speechless.

The ape laughed. “I hardly even noticed,”

Specs: Probably because he could tell that Alex is a little bitch just by looking at him.

Oh, for sure.

He then gestured a gap between the trees.

Transitions: Wow.

Specs: And here I thought we had bullshit powers.

“Come, now,” he said shuffling towards the gap. “The Forest King is very anxious to meet this young human personally,” He then glanced at Alex, “He’s been awaiting your arrival for some time now.”

So that he can bitch-slap you back to the twenty-first century for getting his name wrong so many times.

San glanced over her shoulder and looked at Alex for a moment. She then turned back to the ape. “Alright,” she said, “If you show us the way, we’ll follow you.”

“Speak for yourself, Princess!” Alex retorted, “After what I just went through, I ain’t going anywhere near those things.”

“They’re called apes, human!” San growled, her temper rising, “and you’re coming with us, whether you want to or not!”

“Forget it!”

“Why?” The young wolf-girl sneered, “Are you afraid?”

*Alex* “Actually, yeah!”

Alex was silent for a moment, “Yes,” he answered blankly.


“And considering everything that I’ve had to go through since I got here, from Demon-Gods, to crazy wolf-girls, to cannibalistic talking monkeys trying to eat me, I feel I have every right to be afraid. And to tell you the truth I think I’ve been a pretty good sport about it up to this point!”

Not particularly, no.

He crossed his arms and shot San an icy look. “But right now, I’ve just about had it with good sportsmanship,”

Doc: If this is his good sportsmanship, how much of a whiny cunt is he when he’s a bad sport?

San glared at him once more.

“So unless you give me a really good reason otherwise, I am NOT moving from this spot!”

It was then that the ape spoke again. “I understand your feelings of fear towards us, my young, human, friend,” it said, “And we know of your curse.”

Alex’s eyes widened, and for a moment he was sure that he could feel the curse’s power burning bigger and more powerful in his wrist chain band. Instinctively his hand pressed against the wrist chain, hiding it from view. He hoped that it had been too dark for anyone to notice it. And for some reason he found himself hoping that San had not noticed it yet. When he looked in the wolf-girl’s direction she gave him a questioning look. “How did… did you know?” he asked slowly turning his gaze back to the green-eyed primate.

“I promise that all will be explained as soon as we reach our cliff,” the ape said. “But you must trust us. We mean you no harm.” He then continued to hobble towards the trees. “If you wish to remain here, that is your choice. Otherwise, please follow me.”

Specs: Well shit, your move, Killian.

It’s funny that he didn’t expect them to have a good counterargument.

That’ll do for this week! Thanks for reading, folks, and stay tuned for next time! I am DEFINITELY doing a shorter riff now, because this one ended up getting delayed by like three weeks due to my new job taking all my attention. In the meantime, I’m SC, and on behalf of Doctor Bradley Bartell, Transitions and Teh Specs, I’ll see you next time!



*Transitions topples over, dead*

Doc: Well, that was out of left field.

Specs: I’ll go find Bifocals and tell her to prep all the nukes, you work on stuffing him into an alternate universe before he respawns.

Can’t believe this is the only good solution for getting rid of this guy…


16 Comments on “1455: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors – Chapter Twelve, Part Five”

  1. BatJamags says:

    Doc: I badly wish that those actually turned out to be laser dots and he was about to get opened up on by a squadron of guerrillas.

    That would almost be too good for him, you know?

    Doc: There’s a lot of things that would be too good for this punk.

    Though I have to admit that the mental image of Alex hanging upside down and all tied up while getting turned into Swiss cheese by gorillas with machine guns is pretty awesome.

  2. BatJamags says:


    Transitions: Apparently, this is as big a problem for him as trees being blue is for Bifocals.

    Which is odd, because the fic won’t stop using the phrase “dark-haired youth.” It’s actually kind of annoying.

  3. BatJamags says:

    Doc: …And he’s acting like they’re doing this to him:

    *FATALITY video*

    Wait, I’m confused here. Did Tremor win?

  4. BatJamags says:

    Every time Stone-Man85 uses basso incorrectly, Herr gets another rage hernia.

    Would you say it’s a… Herrnia?

    I’m sorry.

  5. TacoMagic says:

    Before he could say another word the apes were upon him, biting and pawing at him mercilessly.

    Situational super-powers are situational.

    • SC says:

      Yeah, what the hell? In Irontown, he curse-fucked everybody and got out fine, but now that he’s in the same situation with these apes, he’s useless?

      Oh wait, it’s because the curse was laid on him by Nago so it doesn’t work against forest denizens, isn’t it? I’m betting it is, it sounds stupid enough for that.

  6. Swenia says:

    When she saw that Alex was about to open his mouth once more, she shot him an icy stare that rendered him speechless.

    Hit him again!

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