1448: Garfield Effect: Galaxy Adventure – Chapter Eight

Title: Garfield Effect: Galaxy Adventure
Author: ShakespeareHemmingway
Media: Video Game/Comic
Topic: Garfield/Mass Effect
Genre: Sci-fi/Adventure/crossover
URL: Chapter Eight
Critiqued by agigabyte

Admiral Sem K’Latis: Sem K’Laatis here. I’ve been given the honor of coming back from the Vagueness front for a while to riff things. Hooray. I’m here with Engi Unit 1746, A.K.A. “Commander Ferry,” along with Rear Admiral “Rocky” Rolknyiosarnaka. Lieutenant  Admiral Yoneas Aralian and Vice Admiral Jacob Pomeroy are off directing things in my absence.

Rocky: Hello, Patrons and Librarians. I would say I am happy to be back, but my being here hinges upon me reviewing terribly written fanfiction.

Ferry: This unit is experiencing an uncharacteristic longing for the front lines.

Sem: Don’t care. Let’s start.

Garfield Effect: Galaxy Adventure Part 8 Collector Cataclysm Mayhem!

Garfield was boxing with Garrus in the gym for exercise. Garrus did a one two hit combo but Garfield took it like man and laughed with spirit.

“Hoho you better hit harder or I will be knocked out with boredom.” Taunted Garfield with humor.

“I would like to be seeing you try hitting harder!” Challenged Garrus with energy.

“Ok.” Said Garfield as he punched Garrus making his head up like spring and sending him flying hundreds of feet away.

Sem: I don’t think the Normandy is long enough for that. I also don’t think it has a gym.

”You’re on a ship, in space” Counter: 15

Rocky: The prose never did say that this gym was on the Normandy.

Sem: Damn. I was hoping he’d have been launched out through the walls of the Normandy, causing its crew to die of asphyxiation.

”You’re on a ship, in space” Counter: 14

“Garfield you are world champion boxer you punch like angry ox” Complimented Garrus on Garfield punching.

“I won championship trophy back in the days.” Said Garfield walking to his seat.

“Here is specially prepared Lasagna with spicy sauce.” Said Samara walking in with a plate of Lasagna.

“Thanks toots it is spicy like your bod.”

Sem: On a scale of one to ten, I’d rate my level of offendedness around fifteen.

Complimented Garfield as he let Miranda massage his muscular back. As Garfield relaxed a hologram came to him for visiting.

“Garfield this is the Allusive man.” Said the hologram.

Sem: Wouldn’t Garfield be able to tell who it is by looking at the hologram? I mean, Allusive Man could be using actual Communications Protocols, but I find that unlikely, given the fic he’s in.

Garfield glanced at the Allusive man with casualness and lit a cigarette.

“What is it Allusive man I am being busy.” Said Garfield with chilled relaxation as he opened up a naked ladies magazine for reading pleasure.

Ferry: With your behavior, I calculate that the chance of you being busy is infinitesimal.

“Garfield I am sorry to be bothering but there is important mission. You must go to Horizon colony. Collectors are attacking and you must destroy them with Garfield might.” Said Allusive man with urgent request.

“Very well. No one attacks bases when I am on duty. Set Course for Horizon!” Said Garfield with protection.

“Garfield no more of your shoot first ask questions later methods, you are loose cannon.” Warned Allusive man with concern.

“I do this my way and my way. Get off my back old man you are soft like sponge.” Defied Garfield like cowboy cop.

Sem: I actually… Ugh. I actually have to side with Garfield. The Collectors are completely hostile from everything Garfield and his crew have seen, and at this point, hesitation to immediately kill them will likely result in Garfield’s deaths. On second thought, I’m going to have to side with Allusive Man.

Normany zoomed through space like a wild chariot on the frozen field of flame. When arriving at horizon Normany halted with screech. Garfield then descended with team to Horizon for investigation.

“Where are the people there is nothing but abandonment.” Said Miranda with wondering.

Rocky: Why is this remotely different from any other colony attacked by the Collectors?

In the distance there was moving. It was Collectors coming for ambush attack and rearing for assault!

“Come you collectors scum its dinner time, First course lead salad.” Said Garfield pulling out his Desert Eagles and firing at the collectors and twirling around like manly ballerina.

Sem: The entire fic has a formula.

[1: Garfield has sex with his slaves.

2: Garfield makes misogynistic comments towards slaves.

3: Garfield talks with Allusive Man.

4: Garfield does some daybooking.

5: Garfield fights something and makes shitty quips.

6: Garfield daybooks some more.

7: Garfield sexes something.

8: (Optional) Garfield daybooks even more.

9: (Optional) Garfield sexes something again.]

“HAHA Garfield we will outnumber! Prepare to be alien dissected.” Said the collectors as they fired on Garfield with alien lasers.

Sem: Alien lasers? Even the Collector Beams shoot molten metal! And everything else is magnetically propelled metal!

Garfield turned to the Aliens and scoffed a manly scoff.

Sem: The first thing that came to my mind was a movie Goddess sent me a while back, about a creature called the Grinch.

He then took out two grenades for exploding.

Sem: What else do you do with them?

Ferry: Use as ornaments on a Christmas Tree?

“Here catch you insects.” Said Garfield as he tossed the grenades like Olympic thrower.

Rocky: Thrower of what, exactly?

The Grenades exploded on the Collectors making then into pieces and goo.

“Do not be falling apart on me.” Said Garfield with clever wit.

Ferry: http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/InformedAttribute

Garfield and team continued to search Horizon for humans and clues about Collectors. While searching Garfield came upon wondrous site. It was a female collector!

*Sem gets up and leaves*

*Rocky quickly follows*

Ferry: Organics lack willpower.

She had large buxom breasts and curvy figure. She was wearing sexy dress with high heels and had luxurious long hair like silk worms.

“Hello there Garfield I was looking forward to meeting you are even manlier than I imagined.” Said the female collector.

Ferry: Though I can understand why they would leave.

“Hello foxy mamma.” Said Garfield with lips licking like cat on the prowl.

“Why do you not come and sit with me.” Said the female collector with seduction.

“You must tell me information about collectors.” Said Garfield with interrogation.

Ferry: I have not encountered such a… unique interrogation method before.

“First you must give me what I want and what I want is you.” Said the female collector with hand rubbing Garfields chest.

“I will give you more than your full and then some.” Said Garfield with sparkle in his eye.

*DuFresne appears*

Ferry: Hello, Agent DuFresne. Would you like to review Garfield Effect with me? Admirals K’Latis and Rolknyiosarnaka when they remember that their being here is contingent upon reviewing this, but it will be nice to have company for a few sentences of fanfiction.

DuFresne: Don’t see why not.

Garfield and the female collector embraced firmly. The female collector the Garfield down and wrapped her hips around him riding him like a bull in the china shop. Garfield thrusted into her with great force giving her rocking pleasure she never felt.

“Oh AH AH OHHHHH.” Moaned the female collector as her pleasure glands filled to the maximum.

DuFresne: Now I see why not.

The female collector and Garfield sat side by side enjoying the moment and smoking cigarettes.

“Now you must tell me about the Collectors.” Demanded Garfield with sternness.

“Very well.” Said the female collector as she lounged.

“The collectors were once protheans and now they work for reapers.” Said the female collector with knowing.

Ferry: The likelihood of any Garfield Effect characters knowing things is low.

“Of course.” Said Garfield with light bulb eureka moment.

“Collectors will collect humanity for reapers evil plans.” Said the female collector.

“Not on my watch.” Said Garfield as he pulled out his Desert Eagle and shot the female Collector.

DuFresne: I can’t be the only one wondering why he just did that. She’s in no way hostile to him, and a live Collector who can speak English could be useful.

Sem: Because Garfield hadn’t used his Desert Eagle recently.

DuFresne: Ferry was right about you guys. She said you would come back once you realized you’d have to head back to the Vagueness front immediately if you didn’t finish.

“Come we must search more.” Said Garfield to his crew.

As Garfield and crew searched they saw something approach them. It was a collector hologram!

“I am the harbinger you will surrender Garfield.” Said the Hologram.

Sem: They’re supposed to give up Garfield to him? How the hell do they that?

“Why you not come out and fight me like a man.” Challenged Garfield with clenched fists.

“In due times Garfield. In due times. Now you will pay my piper for your refusals.” Said the Harbinger as he summoned a flying collector beetle to fight Garfield. Garfields squad fired on the beetle but it was too strong.

Sem, Rocky, and DuFresne: Beetle?

Sem: Does it mean a Praetorian?

Ferry: Yes, I believe so.

Praetorian_Combat

I guess I can sort of see the resemblance. Kind of. -Monitor

“Its armor is too thick Garfield what will we do?” Cried out Tali.

“Take this Tali.” Said Garfield handing her a giant rocket launcher.

“What this will not work.” Said Tali confusion.

Sem: Who’s “Tali confusion?”

Rocky: Perhaps it is talking about the natural state of anyone reading this fanfiction.

“Silence woman.” Said Garfield as he climbed into the rocket launcher.

“Fire!” Roared Garfield.

“Yes Garfield.” Said Tali as she pushed the trigger launching Garfield at the beetle. Garfield ran right through it causing big explosions and raining beetle goo.

*Everyone is squicked out except for Ferry*

Garfield descended from the ground and landed to celebrations.

“You did it Garfield. Hooray for Garfield!” Everyone said together.

DuFresne: Another character blob? The CBRA. Would be having a field day if your Agents weren’t busy dismantling their local holdings.

Sem: CBRA? Character Blob Regulation Agency?

DuFresne: Got it in one. They recently set up shop in this multiverse, but are getting kicked right back out.

“It was nothing I was just using my head.” Said Garfield with funny joke.

“Hahahaha.” Said everyone laughing at Garfields joke.

*DuFresne shivers*

DuFresne: That laughter is so unnatural.

“Enough frolic we must return to Normany to examine evidence.” Said Garfield with orders.

Garfield and crew returned to the Normany where they rested from the difficult combat. Garfield returned to the Captains Cabin to enjoy refreshing lasagna martini.

*Everyone is squicked out again*

While relaxing Garfield heard someone enter.

“Who enters my bachelor pad?” demanded Garfield with stern voice.

“It is me.” Responded the voice. It was the female collector!

“How is this be.” Roared Garfield in shock.

Ferry: Given the survival rate of beings shot with a Desert Eagle in this fanfiction, that is a an understandable reaction.

“I followed you here Garfield. I cannot get enough of your sweet loving I need more. I will destroy this ship and ruin your missions unless you give me constant neverending lovings.” Demanded the Female collector with sultry seductive sexy audacity.

“Very well I see I have no choice. Come here and I will give you all the lovings you can want.” Said Garfield with seductive finger wagging.

Ferry: The result will likely be her dying by having sex.

Sem: I’m not betting against you.

The female collector jumped on Garfield and squeezed him with might of meteor shower determined to get all lovings possible. Garfield in turn thrust with force of cosmic hurricane. Garfield turned on his love making to maximum and surged his pleasure staff through her thighs like lightning rod. The Female Collector experiences pleasure unknown to her and too much to handle for her fragile self and her head exploded from the massive love makings.

Ferry: Author, you need to know something. Sex=/=Head Exploding.

“Don’t get a big head.” Said Garfield with smooth style as he casually strutted out sipping his lasagna martini.

*Everyone is squicked out again*

To be continued…

Sem: Well, we got through it.

Sem: Rocky?

Ricky: I apologize. I was still stuck on the part about the Lasagna Martini.

DuFresne: Well, I’ve got a date in twenty minutes.

*His black jumpsuit is replaced by a black suit with a black tie and black boots*

DuFresne: What do you think? Redundant enough?

Ferry: Requires one more thing.

*A black top hat appears on DuFresne’s head*

DuFresne: You know he’ll probably be wearing this, too, right?

Ferry: Exactly.

DuFresne: Clever. See you all next time.

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9 Comments on “1448: Garfield Effect: Galaxy Adventure – Chapter Eight”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    Garfield was boxing with Garrus in the gym for exercise. Garrus did a one two hit combo but Garfield took it like man and laughed with spirit.

    “Hoho you better hit harder or I will be knocked out with boredom.” Taunted Garfield with humor.

    “I would like to be seeing you try hitting harder!” Challenged Garrus with energy.

    “Ok.” Said Garfield as he punched Garrus making his head up like spring and sending him flying hundreds of feet away.

    “Garfield you are world champion boxer you punch like angry ox” Complimented Garrus on Garfield punching.

    You know, considering much of Garrus’s conversations during his romance arc, I’m wondering if this could possibly get any more homoerotic.

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    “Very well. No one attacks bases when I am on duty. Set Course for Horizon!”

    Actually, they already attacked the colony while you were on duty. You’re just flying in to pick up the pieces.

  3. AdmiralSakai says:

    Garfield and team continued to search Horizon for humans and clues about Collectors. While searching Garfield came upon wondrous site. It was a female collector!
    She had large buxom breasts and curvy figure. She was wearing sexy dress with high heels and had luxurious long hair like silk worms.

    Egad.

  4. AdmiralSakai says:

    “Oh AH AH OHHHHH.” Moaned the female collector as her pleasure glands filled to the maximum.

    Ok, biology is not my field, but I’m pretty sure that’s not how glands work. And I’m very sure that’s not how sex works.

  5. AdmiralSakai says:

    Sem: Because Garfield hadn’t used his Desert Eagle recently.

    I thought he’d been using it all throughout the interrogation. *wink wink*

  6. Eva says:

    This is pure art.

  7. TacoMagic says:

    While searching Garfield came upon wondrous site. It was a female collector!

    Well… shit.


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