1447: My Bleeding Crimson Despair – Chapter 3Posted: June 17, 2016
Hello, and welcome back dear Patrons!
We’re at the halfway point for MBCD, so it’s all downhill from here! Well, more downhill than usual. In the last chapter, a literal Draco in Leather Pants read a poem during the Opening Ceremony that quickly went from wangsty to prophetic wangsty yet no one seemed to give two damns about it. Meanwhile,
back at the Hall of Justice somewhere in a forest, some mysterious cultists made non-specific sacrifices and summoned an eldritch abomination. Or something like that.
“Who cares? Get back to the blond in the cowhide knickers.”
:sighs deeply: Joining me today is Syl, because … I haven’t really found an effective way to keep her out of the Library.
:Syl blows kisses to the Patrons:
“You’re just jealous because everyone likes me best.”
Tell me, is it fun being psychotically delusional?
“It’s absolutely awesome, thanks for asking.”
:sighs again: To the fic!
Chapter Three: Tidal Waves of Crashing Depression
Fun fact – this title is so emo that just reading can cause black eyeliner to spontaneously form around your eyes.
You okay? You’re looking a little green.
“Seasickness. It’ll pass.”
But you’re a sailor. How can you get seasickness? It’s just the chapter title, we’re not even in real water!
“I’ve told you before; I’m a sky-sailor, which is a totally different beast.”
“And you will have to put the gnat’s wings in…wait for it…wait for it…NOW!”
Did Gumdrop get his own cooking show and forget to tell me?
“Your dragon does have a deft hand with pastries, but I was disappointed to learn he doesn’t bake them in his own flames.”
Gumdrop’s not a real dragon, you know. That’s just what the clan calls him.
“Does he know that?”
No, and you’re not going to tell him! It’d break his little heart.
“Little? I’ve crewed ships that massed less than that beast.”
The students snapped to attention and added the gnat’s wings at the sound of Professor Snape’s command.
Snape’s quite articulate for being over a decade dead.
“What is this unnatural obsession you have with zombies?”
It’s not me, it’s the authors!
Although he had begun to soften over the years, he was still a formidable foe, and none of them wanted to cross him.
“There’s a little blue pill for that in this dimension.”
I don’t think there’s medication that can stop decomposition, although arsenic was once used as medicine and it is supposed to be a very good preservative for dead bodies.
“You are just too precious, aren’t you?”
Most of this softening was thanks to his girlfriend, Adrianna Moonfire.
“If his girlfriend leaves him soft, he may have issues beyond what the little blue pill can fix.” :looks over at Ghostie: “Your eye’s doing that thing again.”
I have a problem with fics that try to pair off Snape with a new romantic interest.
After he had killed Dumbledore and fled with Draco Malfoy, he had hidden out at an inn.
“Alone in a cozy little inn with Professor LeatherPants?” :produces popcorn:
I don’t think you’ll need that just yet.
This was the owner.
Why is the narration using a gender-neutral pronoun to refer to Zombie Snape’s girlfriend?
:Syl warms the butter:
It hadn’t taken them long to fall passionately and deeply in love, and he was now a much better person for it. Still, Snape’s “much better” still did not measure up to anyone else.
“Tell me, was he this big of a wet blanket before his death?”
Snape’s not exactly cheerful at any point in his character arc, that’s part of the reason so many people were blindsided when it turned out that he’s a halfway decent human being.
“Weasley, you’ve failed AGAIN!”
“I thought his light-o-love was named Moonfire?”
I think the narration’s swung back into the classroom. At least, I really hope it has.
Ian raised his hand. “Which one, sir?” This question was obviously just an example of Ian seeking praise, as it was obvious which twin Snape meant. Ian’s potion was perfect.
“I just met this boy and already I want to stab him.”
I feel like I’m supposed to stop you, but I can’t really think of a compelling reason to do so and that worries me.
Chuck’s, on the other hand, was a reeking mess. Kaytlynn had to edge away from the vile green liquid that was bubbling towards her, just in case it had turned into acid.
“I don’t see the problem.”
Yes, but you think the cleaning supplies closet and the liquor cabinet are the same thing.
“The one with the slightly lower IQ,” Snape replied. Ian’s face fell; he had definitely been expecting a compliment.
Is this Ian’s first class with Zombie Snape? Because if it isn’t, then he really should know better than to expect a compliment from Zombie Snape. He only gives those out to his pets in Slytherin.
“Bubble!” Chuck shrieked, reaching out to poke the potion.
:jumps: “WHAT THE HELL?!?”
Yeah, that’s Ian’s twin; we’re calling him Chucklefuck. He likes to scream nonsense words instead of talking. I think it’s supposed to be a character quirk.
:produces very large knife: “I’ll make him scream.”
Again, I can’t really come up with a compelling reason for you not to.
“Now you’re starting to worry me.”
“No, Chuck!” Kaytlynn said, pulling his hand back. “That might be dangerous!”
Sweet mercy, I really hope it is.
“If it’s not, I can fix that.”
“What a wonderful observation,” Snape remarked dryly. “Drink it, Mr. Weasley.”
“Which one?” Ian asked.
“It wasn’t funny the first time, boy.”
Shut up, I think Zombie Snape’s going to make him drink the stuff!
Snape smirked, anticipating his malicious pleasures. “Both of you. And your girlfriend, as long as I’m on a roll.”
They share a girlfriend? That poor girl.
“It’s not all bad; I remember this pair of twins once, I swear they were both double-jointed…”
Please stop talking.
“I’m not his—”
“She’s not my—”
“She isn’t their broccoli?”
:shrugs: Kids these days and their crazy slang terms.
“Drink it,” Snape cut them off. “Why do you think the school has a hospital wing?”
Because kids do recklessly stupid things even when they don’t have the ability to hex each other or fly around on a wooden sticks? Seriously, if Zombie Snape hadn’t interrupted someone would have dared Chucklefuck to drink that stuff in less than a minute.
“Shhhh, you’re being practical again.”
Ian and Kaytlynn winced, and all three of them took a sip.
“In some dimensions, this would be considered a marriage ceremony.”
I think the twins would be okay with that.
“Even though they are now married to each other as well as the girl?”
Oh. Yeah, that could make for some awkward conversations with their parents.
Miraculously, nothing happened to Ian or Chuck, except for a large burp from the charmingly retarded twin.
:THWACK!: No! Bad author!
“I thought I was the violent one here.”
Kaytlynn, however, was a different story.
:sighs: Of course she is.
“Buck up; maybe the trollop turned herself inside out.”
:squints at Syl: Are you trying to cheer me up?
“That doesn’t sound like something I’d do.”
… No, it doesn’t. Weird.
In fact, she could no longer be seen. Kaytlynn had completely and totally disappeared. The entire class looked around frantically.
“YES! She’s gone!” :tosses handfuls of popcorn into the air: “Why aren’t you celebrating? This is a good thing, right?”
Something’s not right.
“The girl’s not right. Those boys are a bit odd, too.”
No, I mean … It’s never this easy. It makes me suspicious.
“She can’t be gone!” Ian cried. “I haven’t even confessed my undying lu—”
“Confess your undying lunch to your broccoli?”
“Well he couldn’t be confessing his love, that’s the wrong vowel.”
“I’m right here!” said Kaytlynn’s disembodied voice.
:Ghostie and Syl both scream:
“IT’S IN THE HOUSE WITH US!”
“Huh?” the entire class asked.
Wait, false alarm. It’s coming from the fic. :looks down: Can you let go of my arm now?
“Sorry.” :releases Ghostie: “The Darkwraiths were having a horror movie marathon last night and I guess I’m still a little jumpy.”
I thought you were watching the Toy Story trilogy?
“Those flat, dead eyes …” :shudders: “They stare into your soul.”
I didn’t think you had one.
“Ha. Ha. You are just too funny.”
Kaytlynn reappeared in exactly the same place she had been before.
I knew it! I knew it could never be that easy to get rid of a Sue.
“You could try to be a touch less smug about it.”
She looked very surprised, but not as surprised as the rest of the class. The only other person who did not look so amazed was Professor Snape.
Probably because zombies aren’t known for their range of facial expressions.
“If anyone would know, it’d be you.”
I am not obsessed with zombies!
“Says the woman with the zombie snuggie.”
THAT WAS A GIFT!
“What just happened?” Ian asked, mouth agape, blue eyes wide behind their glasses.
Or stuff with things?
“Those are my favorite!”
“I just became invisible at will,” Kaytlynn said. “And I think I can do it again. The potion did it.”
“What’s your problem? You said this world has magic, right?”
Yeah, but that’s not one of the abilities that the wizarding folk have! The only way I know of for characters to become invisible requires an Invisibility Cloak, which are supposed to be very rare and powerful items. Chucklefuck managed to circumvent this with some potion he made by accident.
“But if it was the potion, why didn’t anything happen to the boys?”
KaytSue is a Sue; things always happen when there’s a Sue involved.
“Why didn’t the potion do something to me or Chuck?” Ian asked.
Because no one cares about you.
“I know I don’t.”
Before Kaytlynn could answer, Professor Snape interrupted with, “I think I have an explanation.
Oh, hell. This is going to hurt.
:squints at Syl: You’re up to something, aren’t you?
“Me? Madam, I am offended that you would make such allegations.”
I didn’t hear a “no”.
Kaytlynn is obviously a powerful witch.
Yeah, you can tell because he just told us that she was.
She is a natural metamorphmagus, and she had no trouble becoming an animagus over the summer, from what her father tells me.
“The tart’s father was bragging about her learning how to … do something.”
She’s an Animagus, which means she can turn into an animal at will yet retain her human intellect. It’s a difficult skill to master, and would take anyone who isn’t a Sue much longer than a summer to learn … Oh, shit. She’s an Animagus and a Metamorphmagus!
It’s just like in those terrible HP/Aliens/Predator and HP/Avatar fics I worked on a while ago.
“What does any of that have to do with her becoming invisible?”
Special Sues are special.
The potion simply awakened a dormant power that already existed.”
“Now what’s your problem?”
That’s not how potions work in the Potter’verse! There’s a time limit attached to their effects, the only way to create a lasting effect would be through a spell such as a hex or a charm.
“But it’s all magic, right?”
Magic with rules and limitations. You can’t just do whatever you damn well please.
“So Chuck and I don’t get any powers?” Ian asked.
“You became more annoying.”
That’s got to be high on the list of Worst Superpowers Ever.
“You’ve got a list?”
Honey, I have seen things you wouldn’t believe.
“So I could have turned invisible anyway, but that power just wasn’t awake?” Kaytlynn asked, ignoring her friend.
Bullshit you could!
“You know what isn’t awake right now? The audience.”
Snape also chose to ignore him. “Exactly. Just as you certainly have other powers. I have never seen a witch of your abilities before.”
“What abilities is he blathering on about?”
I don’t know. So far, KaytSue has done jack-shit in terms of magic. Her eyes occasionally change color, which is an inherent trait of her Metamorphmagus abilities, and now there’s this invisibility thing that is apparently another inherent trait.
“Wait a second, what about her clothes?”
I’m sure they’re quite stylish even though everyone wears the same uniform.
“Not that, why were they invisible?”
“If this invisibility thing is something her body does, then why didn’t her clothes remain visible?”
That’s … Actually a really good question. I have no idea. :checks fic: It doesn’t specifically state that they vanished, but the fact that everyone thought she had completely disappeared would indicate that they did. Not really sure why they would, but they did.
Ian cleared his throat. “What about my questions?” he whined (ignoring the fact that Kaytlynn was WAY more important than him!).
“Why can’t I get answers?”
Because you’ve already gotten an answer to that particular question.
“And your questions are stupid.”
There’s that, too.
Kaytlynn’s eyes swirled to become stormy gray. “Why? Why do I have these…powers?
“Power, singular. Snape is only theorizing that you have more abilities tucked away.”
But she probably does because she’s a Sue. Super Sues always have exactly the right power for any situation.
Where did they come from? Does it have to do with my…real parents?” Her voice trembled. Kaytlynn never spoke of the fact that she was adopted.
“If she never speaks of it, then how would anyone know she’s adopted?”
Another good question, and one I don’t have an answer to. I thought they were trying to pass her off as Harry’s natural daughter, since she is using her Metamorphmagus abilities to make herself look a little like him and Draco referred to her as Harry’s bastard.
“I don’t know,” Snape replied. “How should I know anything about your real family?” He turned to the rest of the class and raised an eyebrow. “Well? Class dismissed. Get out of here.”
“Oh, he’s lying. I can tell.”
How could you possibly know that?
“Think about who you’re talking to, sweet cheeks. I know liars like you know Batman fangirls.”
…I can’t really argue with you there.
The students practically ran out of the classroom, all gossiping about Kaytlynn’s newfound power. Kaytlynn, Ian, and Chuck wandered out, all lost in silent thought.
If they could just stay like that for the rest of the fic, that would be awesome.
“Especially that screaming git.”
Have you been hanging out with Shades again?
“She makes a killer margarita.”
“Hey, Kay, heard about the weird stuff,” said Eve the Slytherin, coming upon them on her way to the Slytherin Common Room (cuz it’s in the dungeon, of course!).
No frickin’ Author’s Notes in the narration!
“Hush, I want to heard about the weird stuff.”
Evil Eve is probably referring to KaytSue turning invisible.
“Maybe you’re kind of cool, now that you can be invisible. What are you gonna do next? Go to Disneyworld? Sneak into the Boys’ Dorms?”
“You don’t really have to be invisible to do either of those things.”
I’m sure it would make it easier to go undetected.
“Are you kidding? The chance that you might get caught is half the fun!”
“Of course not!” Kaytlynn replied. “I have to use my powers for good!”
“Naked men are good. Naked women, too. Nakedness as a general concept is good.”
I don’t think that’s what she meant, Syl.
“And what’s better than naked male tush?” Eve paused and ran an appraising glance over Ian and Chuck. “Then again, after the examples that you see every day, I can understand your reluctance. You don’t exactly surround yourself with beefcake.”
“I like her! Can we use that widget to pop her out of the fic?”
I have to admit, I have thought about it.
“Does that mean … WE AGREE ON SOMETHING?!?”
:shudders: That explains why I feel so unclean.
:Syl hugs Ghostie:
Welcome to the Dark Side, sister.”
Please don’t touch me.
“I’ll have you know that I’m better than any boy that you could ever get!” Ian yelled at her now-retreating back.
“I think hear the mating call of the Tiny-Dicked Weasel.”
:Ghostie snorts coffee through her nose:
“Fat pig. Anyways, Kaytlynn, you must never use your power. I mean, you could break a rule!”
Or we could break your head.
“Why not both? Oil up that crowbar you’re so fond of and let’s school this youngster.”
…Crunchy told you about the signing bonus for getting people to turn to the Dark Side, didn’t he?
“I’m one minion away from getting a free sundae.”
That’s all I’m worth to you?
“It comes with hot fudge and whipped cream!”
I hope you’re at least going to demand extra cherries on top.
“Believe me, I never will,” Kaytlynn replied. “I’ll try to be careful about my power.”
:groans: “Don’t tell me she’s one of those milquetoast folk who have ethics and morals.”
I know it’s an alien concept to you, but some people actually feel responsible for their actions.
“They sound like massive bores.”
But I wouldn’t mind if she used that power to sneak into my room at night, Ian thought.
The dorm room you share with several other boys? Yeah, that sounds romantic.
“It can be if you’re open to the moment.”
Please don’t feel the need to elaborate on that thought.
Then he shook his head and said, “Of course, if you have a good reason, then you should use it.”
“An orgy is a good reason!”
Kaytlynn sighed. “Let’s just hope that I never have reason…”
But she will because Sues always find a reason to use whatever situationally dependent power they might have.
“Pity she can’t trade these powers for a personality.”
:Syl and Ghostie look around:
“Are we in Heaven?”
I seriously doubt that.
“Are you sure? We’re just floating around in nothingness with absolutely nothing fun to do.”
You do make a compelling argument, but this is just the Void.
In a dark forest, there was a dark castle. In that dark castle was a throne room lit by many black candles.
Ugh, not this again.
“Hey, the nothingness got darker! I didn’t even know it could do that.”
The Void plays by its own rules.
On the throne sat a handsome man who was eating an ice cream sundae. Ever since his resurrection, he could not get enough of them. His red eyes glinted thoughtfully in the moonlight.
“That better not be my sundae!”
It’s probably an evil sundae with, like, eyeballs and blood and stuff on it.
“But it still has fudge and whipped cream, right?”
“Yes…I believe that I finally have a plan that will work…” he murmured.
“Does it involve whipped cream and fudge sauce? Because if it does, then it’s already better than most of Crunchy’s world domination plans.”
Except for that one where he genetically engineers two lab mice to do the work for him. At least that one’s entertaining.
Back at Hogwarts, Later That Night
:crosses fingers: “Please be an orgy, please be an orgy, please be an orgy…”
Let me ask you one thing, Syl; you’ve read the sex scenes that show up in Library fics, haven’t you?
And you’re still eager for an orgy scene?
“…I wish to retract my statement.”
In the dream, a butterfly fell to the ground, its wings torn asunder. A pumpkin field dried up for lack of water. A comet fell to earth, destroying a city and thousands of innocent lives. She stood in the crater, in the ashes of the dead.
“Bathed in the blood of her vanquished enemies?”
What the hell kind of dreams are you having?
A snake curled around her feet and hissed at her before sinking its fangs into her ankle. She felt no pain. Instead, she felt the most pleasurable sensation she had ever felt, something like what she thought sex must feel like.
…I don’t think she understands how sex is supposed to work.
“She’s using the snake wrong.”
It slithered away. She felt no sadness at this, only a dim sense of loss. Harry’s body, her father’s body, lay at her feet. She still felt no sorrow. Draco Malfoy’s body was next to him. Ian and Chuck were curled up, lifeless. And countless hundreds of other people that she had seen in her life lay beyond them, all dead.
Unsurprisingly, I also feel nothing at the deaths of these shallow, cardboard-cutout characters. I’d actually have to be emotionally invested for that to happen.
“It’s a pity about Professor LeatherPants. He was a fine bit of man candy.”
Yes, that’s the worst thing that happened; not the massive number of dead, but the loss of the pretty man.
“He had leather pants on!”
Somewhere, tidal waves of crashing depression hit upon a once-happy shore.
“I think I’m going to be sick.”
Not on the desk! :hands Syl a wastebasket:
It came with the office.
Kaytlynn knew what this meant, but she also knew that she would forget as soon as she woke up.
:Ghostie and Syl look at each other:
You know what she’s talking about?
“Haven’t the foggiest.”
Kaytlynn shot up in her bed. Although she had forgotten much of her dream, she suddenly knew one thing.
:grinds teeth: If it turns out she’s in love with a sparklepire, I’m turning you loose on the fic.
“I’m not going near anything called a sparklepire. No way.”
Kaytlynn was head-over-heels in love.
Damn. I was half-right.
“I’m open to nearly anything…”
I know, I’ve seen the writing on the Library’s bathroom walls.
“Shut it, spinster; at least I’m having fun. Like I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted – I’m open to nearly anything, but I don’t see how any of that mish-mash would lead this twit to thinking she’s in love with someone.”
:shrugs: I don’t know either. It’s probably an attempt at some kind of metaphorical dream sequence, which can be difficult to interpret under the best circumstances, but since this is likely a parody fic it is probable that the author deliberately made it as confusing as possible.
But with who! Lolz.
“What are the choices?”
The only characters mentioned by name in the dream were Harry, Draco, Ian, and Chucklefuck.
“It can’t be the Idiot Twins. No one’s that desperate.”
Well, hopefully it isn’t Harry, so that would leave Draco. Given the author’s username, I’d put him at the top of the list regardless of who was in the dream.
“What a waste of leather pants.”
Whoever it is, as soon as she confesses her undying love they will probably have an awkward sex scene together.
“”Really?!? I can’t wait!”
You’re not invited.
“Try to stop me.” :smiles sweetly: “Go on, try.”
No thanks; I choose life.
Sorry it took me so long to get this up!
“That’s what he said.”
In this chapter, stuff really started happening.
Stuff with the things!
” And a potion.”
Yes, who can forget the potion.
I’d like to thanks DumbledorzGurlie156, for all the support that she gives me! BFF4EVER!1 LOL!
There is a profile with that username on ff.net, but it was established within a day of DrakosGurl616’s account and the only things on it are one favorite story (this one) and one favorite author (DrakosGurl616) so it is probably a sock puppet account owned by the same author.
“It’s so sad when people feel the need to create a fictional person just so they have someone to talk to.”
… I think that’s a good place to end things this week.
“What? Why are you looking at me like that?”
No, I didn’t.
“Yes, you did. You’re hiding something from me.”
:points in random direction: Look, unguarded valuables! :runs away: