1444: My Little Unicorn: Magic is Believing (That still means nothing) Chapter 22

Title: My Little Unicorn:  Magic Is Believing
Author: Dakari-King Mykan
Media: Cartoon
Topic: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL:  Chapter 22
Critiqued by Erttheking

Ert: Guh…life is hard.

Nora: You’ve got it better than most you know.

Ert: I know. Ah well, nothing I can do about it now. Almost done with this shit, and I’m most certainly not reviewing Starfleet.

Goeth: Righto then. What’s the next chapter clale.d

Part 2: The End of Serpent Tyrant

Ert:…Well spoiler alert.

Goeth: Hold on, let me spoil some more things.

Nora: Shocker.

Night Mare had all her new subjects working hard to build her new empire from the ruins of Equestria.

Ert: And she managed to ravage an entire country overnight with only three soldiers because…evil. Even if she COULD do that, why WOULD she do that? Do you have any idea how difficult it is to rebuild the infrastructure of an entire nation? I don’t! It’s that freaking complicated.

The ponies and even other animals were forced to march, push and pull boulders and stones. It was very hard and painful, especially without magic. Night Mare only let them rest or eat when she chose.

Nora: And the unicorns couldn’t use magic because I guess Nightmare Moon has prioritized being evil over being effective. And everything uses stones, no wood, plaster or anything metal. Because Mykan doesn’t know how construction works. And they’re all being watched over by…evil.

Twilight and friends were forced to being her castle servants. They were charged with cleaning the entire fortress and tending to Night Mare and her friends’ every need.

Goeth: WIMP! You didn’t even cut off one of their pinkies! Or hooves. Whatever biology Mykan has given these creatures.

Ert: I think we might need less psychotic interns around here.

Rarity constantly was whining about how ugly she looked, dressed in rags, covered with soot, and chained to an iron ball. “Eww… there’s dust in mane.” she cried.

Nora: “There’s dust in hair.” That’s basically what she just said. The funny thing about Mykan is that he keeps saying that he’s intentionally half assing this story out of spite, yet he clearly thinks that he’s better. So which is it?

Applejack was very annoyed as she passed by with another heavy crate of apples “You got the easy bit!” she growled “I like cookin’ but this is worse than findin’ a worm in your apple.”

Goeth: Insert stereotypical southernism here.

Ert: Also Applejack, you’re not cooking. You’re doing heavy lifting. Which was part of your dayjob. Tell me Mykan, did you forget that? Or is this part of your bashing too?

“SILENCE…!” shouted Night Mare. Her eyes glowed and Applejack and Rarity were being shocked by their chains and manacles with powerful magic. “Servants are to be seen… and NOT HEARD!” Night Mare shouted. “Get back to work!”

Then she summoned Pinkie Pie to sing for her,

Nora: Nightmare Moon is such a nice host that she lets the guests torture her.

Ert: Talks about how servants should not be heard. Has one of them sing for her. Consistency? What’s what!

and Rainbow Dash to perform tricks for her as entertainment. Poor Pinkie was on the verge of tears and Rainbow felt her anger spiking, but there was nothing she could do without her wings and magic.

Goeth: Anyone want to tell Mykan that a Pegasus doesn’t have any magical powers? Unless you count the ability to manipulate weather, which wouldn’t help at all here.

Ert: I’m wondering if Mykan was paying attention at all when he was watching the show.  Because Rainbow won’t be able to do many tricks without her wings.

Twilight, Spike, and Fluttershy were busy washing the windows and whispered to one another how much they hated this. “If only I knew where she was keeping princess we could get the elements of harmony.” whispered Twilight.

Nora: Hi Twilight! Bye Twilight. glad to see that you and your friends have been reduced to background objects with no personality!

“There’s no chance.” Whispered Spike “We wouldn’t know where to start looking.”

Ert: Well the place where Nightmare Moon was last time would be a start. Am I making too much sense here?

Goeth: BURN THE WITCH!

Fluttershy said nothing, but secretly thought of Rhymey and his friends, the warriors of Unicornicopia, and wished they could hear their calls for help.

Nora: Yes! Please people I barely know! Save our asses so that I don’t have to do any work myself!

Ert: I’m surprised she’s not talking about how great they are. That’s always a staple of bad writing, having people exist just to talk about how great OC characters are.

While in Unicornicopia… Serpent Tyrant dashed forth, and the gang scattered out of his way. Starla and Rhymey tried their attacks for a test…

Nora: This is a physics test! Stop destroying the classroom!

Goeth: I appreciate your enthusiasm lads and ladies, but the practical exam isn’t until tomorrow.

“STAR SHOWER…!”

“DRILL QUILL…!”

As expected, they had hardly any effect at all.

Ert: Which differs from the norm in no way whatsoever. Really the difference between attacks that are supposed to do damage and the ones that are supposed to do nothing is barely noticeable.

Serpent just chuckled “My turn…!” he roared as the rainbow stone in his forehead began to glow “PLASMA VAPOUR!”

Nora: So he’s just Serpent now? This guy can just not stop changing his name. How long until he starts calling himself the Artist Formerly Known as Serpent?…Not too soon is it?

Everyone dodged as the powerful energy zoomed right past them, leaving such a trail of destruction.

Goeth: Yes? When you say “Such” in that matter, you usually have to follow it up with a “that.” It was such a X that Y. Something like that.

The blast kept going and crashed right into a building that was shielded with a force field so not too much damage was done,

Goeth: Yes, something like that. Only next time, properly link them together.

but the poor sheltered unicorns inside were shaken about and frightened. The shield itself seemed to have taken quite a beating!

Ert: Mykan is the master of wanting it both ways. “Oh there wasn’t much damage done, but the forcefield DID take a beating. Yes I know I said there wasn’t much damage done, but the forcefield doesn’t count. Because I say so.”

Nora: And I guess the people inside weren’t frightened until just now. Very brave of them

“Stay focussed!” shouted Lightning. “We’ve got to try harder!”

Ert: Why is it I get the feeling that this is going to go the same way as this?

Goeth: Without the awesomeness of being done by TFS.

The battle continued, and Dyno and Myte had an idea. The waited wand watched as Serpent’s mouth moved as he roared and screeched. Then they fed him a taste of their, “BOOM-BOOM ROCKETS!” right through his mouth and into his stomach.

Nora: Ah, a totally original concept.

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/FeedItABomb

Ert: It’s only been done a hundred or two times before.

The small explosions ruptured his insides, but Serpent seemed to be more angry than damaged. “Fools…!” he shouted “Take this!” he raised his huge tail and swung hard knocking the twins up and away from each other. “Dyno…!”

“Myte…!”

Goeth: Darn it, another time flux. These things have been happening all over the place. It seems that whoever is shouting for the twins is also a separate person for himself. I’ve been working on a thesis paper for matters like this.

Ert: Wow, that actually sounds interesting.

Goeth: I’m a scientist. I may enjoy pastimes that others consider “immoral” but my first goal in life is the acquisition of knowledge.

Serpent laughed maliciously, but the others charged forth like a stampede, and launched many attacks at once and managed to actually put a big scratch on his face.

Nora: And somehow the vague description about everyone launching an attack at once did more damage than the one where Dyno and Myte forced rockets down his throat.

Ert: The mark of a good story is consistent internal mechanics. X can do Y and can’t do Z. For example, in Harry Potter, the disarming spell can work on anyone who doesn’t counter or avoid it. Even Lord Voldemort himself. Mykan just decides what can do what sentence by sentence

He roared and screeched in pain for a brief moment. “We got him…!” cried Starla, and others began to cheer,

Nora: YAY! We scratched him! Victory is ours!

Ert: Did I mention there’s a theory that all of Mykan’s characters are inbred? Turns out the Grand Ruler’s kingdom is mostly male. Because Mykan is sexist. That must be a wonder for breeding.

but then they noticed the rainbow stone glowing again, and his wounds seemed to heal instantly.

“Oh, no…!

It can’t be so!” cried Rhymey.

Ert: I hope you get eaten alive and digested over a thousand years.

Ert: That’s right, get in there you walking tumor.

Even his wounds healed, Serpent was madder than ever and decided to even up the fight. The stone glowed again as he summoned out his, “SERPENT SOLDIERS…!” one for each gang member to deal with.

Nora: Those soldiers were summoned in the last chapter. That’s the mark of a good leader. Hold everything in reserve during your all out invasion.

Goeth: Hey, it works if you’re saving them up for a big explosive finale. I did that, remember?

Ert: 100,000 people died…

Goeth: It was amazing!

Ert: I keep forgetting that he was a villain in my original story.

Lightning almost immediately realized why Serpent would summon his minions when he didn’t really need them, but before he could warn his friends…

Goeth: Overwhelming you with sheer numbers? Why isn’t that an option.

Nora: I’m reminded of Trapped and EPrick deciding that a girl’s parents kidnapped her. Because they had secret passages. Someone making a jump in logic despite there being no evidence.

“Let’s get them!” shouted Buddy Rose, and the others began to charge at the monsters. “No wait…!” cried Lightning, but his friends were already fighting. Lightning also had a monster of his own to tend with, but rather than attack it, he just kept rolling, and dodging out of its way, but the others were already using a lot for their powers and strength, much to Serpent’s amusement and his plan… to let them tire themselves out so they’d have nothing left to fight him, but Lightning wasn’t about to let this happen.

Ert: So in other words, they’re kind of idiots. If they can tire themselves out in thirty seconds, and all of a sudden can’t properly hit a target because it’s rolling around, then they’re not very good fighters. I thought that this was supposed to be a militarized nation. Did none of them get basic combat training on how to pace themselves? To not exhaust themselves?

Nora: Apparently not, because cheap tension.

“It’s risky but I’ve got to do it” he said to himself, and he summoned the rainbow rod, and told the others to quickly gather all the soldiers into one place. It wasn’t easy, but they managed to do it. “Do it, Lightning!” cried Artie!

Goeth: I wonder what intelligence these creatures posses. Enough to take orders, as they adopted skirmish tactics to tire out their enemies. Yet not enough to realize when they were being herded together, something that goes against skirmish tactics.

Ert: It varies depending on what Mykan wants them to do.

Lightning powered the rod, recited the chant, and unleashed the “RAINBOW FORCE…!” Wiping out all the serpents at once, but he felt a little tired after which.

Ert: Before he could only use the Rainbow Rod when the enemy was weak, but Mykan either forgot, or doesn’t care, or both, or some other thing.

“Lightning…!” Starla cried as she ran over to help him up “Are you okay…?”

“I’ll be fine!” panted Lightning as he stood. “Let’s go!”

Nora: I’m not worried for his safety for two reasons. One, Lightning has never suffered a serious setback in the entire story. Two, the fact that Serpent-Terror dies is in the title. Look Ma! No tension

They dashed over to join the others, and Serpent hissed, “My patience is wearing thin. I give you this last chance- Hand over the rainbow stones you possess!”

Nora: Something I give you no incentive to do whatsoever!

“Never…!” shouted Lightning “If anything, you should hand over the one you have and make it easier on yourself.”

Ert: Something WE give you no incentive to do whatsoever.

Nora: It’s even worse here, because I’ve never seen the Grand Ruler talk about the concept of taking people alive. Uh. Now that I think about it, he never talks about prisons either.

Goeth: Oh dear. The implications.

Serpent roared angrily and began to charge again. “PLASMA VAPOUR!” he shouted, as the stone in his head glowed and he launched another wave of energy.

Ert: You know, I can kinda get the idea of screaming out attack names in a visual media, but in a written media, it’s just tiresome. You just see the same phrases over and over again, in ALL CAPS because VERY SERIOUS! What’s the appeal?

Nora: Mykan trying to copy much better works.

The others scattered around, but poor Starla was barely able to get all the way aside as she felt one of her hind legs getting hurt by the burning of being so close to the blast. “Ow…! Ah…!” she groaned as the trail sped past her and blew up a set of trees.

Goeth: Probably and odd thing to be fixated on, but where exactly are they? Judging from the buildings nearby, they were near an urban center, but there’s a “set” of trees nearby. The layout of this city must be a nightmare.

Ert: Mykan IS the Grand Ruler. Both of them probably just mashed a bunch of random things together.

Poor Starla fell to the ground shaking in pain, “My… my leg!” she cried softly, and she did look hurt. One of her boots had been completely burned off, and her leg look badly burnt and bruised.

Nora: Ok, this is just getting sad now. Mykan, we know that you like to describe all of your attacks as being bruising. Plasma does not freaking burn. Nor do burns in general.

Ert: I don’t know what explanation to go with. That Mykan has this little respect for his readers, or that he thinks plasma burns just cause owies.

Lightning felt his anger beginning to spike. “Starla….!” he roared, and then he roared angrily

Nora: Wait I’m confused. Is he angry?

and charged at Serpent feeling the burning rushing through him, “Easy pickings…” hissed Serpent and he swung his tail and bashed him really, really hard “A’ugh…!”

Ert: *Sigh* for some reason Mykan thought that this wouldn’t get old. Seriously, how many times has he charged in, just to get swatted aside like an annoying fly?

“LIGHTNING…!” some of the others shouted. Lightning felt as if the moon had fallen on him.

Goeth: It really does sound like something that was trying to be profound, but utterly failed at it.

His mane and tail were all ruffled and tangled, and his armor never had a bigger dent in it.

Nora: A dent? Dents are used to describe something that isn’t very big. Hence the phrase “Not eve a dent.”

Serpent just laughed, and then gazed at the others. “It was fun while it lasted, but now you see how useless it is to… “Believe” when in fact it is hopeless.”

Ert: Oh come on man. At least do some actual damage before you start talking about how it’s pointless to oppose you. Lightning gets smacked down at least twice a fight.

The others were so upset and worried that they didn’t know what to do as if for the first time.

Nora: Somehow I get the feeling that if we were to go back, we’d find a time when they were clueless as to what to do.

Goeth: Most of the time really. Nearly all fights were glorified puzzles.

Not a single one of their attacks worked. “Now would be a good time to believe in a miracle!” cried Artie.

Ert: Your attacks worked, they just didn’t do much damage. In this story, that’s as good as you get. Oh, and you’re finally talking about what you actually believe in. In the last quarter of your story. Good pacing there.

“Silence!” roared Serpent, and his loud voice shook the ground. “You, pathetic little fools. You have stood in my way for the last time, and now… the time has come for us to say goodbye… STARTING WITH YOIUR TWO FRIENDS…!”

Nora: Oh come on, you can do so much better than that. It’s really fun writing insulting villain dialogue when you actually give them variety in what they say. Goeth, we’ve still got those notes lying around right?

Goeth: Ahem. “Insignificant ant. Pathetic and unimportant. I was old and powerful before you were even a thought. Miserable little creature, you think that you have a purpose in life other than dying like the worm that you are. Allow me to cure you of your ignorance.”

He was ready to blast Starla and Lightning to dust, “NO…!” the others cried, but suddenly… Serpent began to feel strange, as if he couldn’t move. “What is… happening…!” he growled “My powers… they are getting weak!”

Nora: You know, I feel like there’s an automatic mechanism programed into Mykan’s mind. The second things look a little tense for his characters, he hits on the brakes. He wants there to be tension on whether or not they’ll be ok, but not TOO much.

The rainbow stone in his head began pulsating like crazy, and then it popped right out from his head. “No…! NO…!”

Ert: Oh goodie, the classic solution to a problem. The “Why the shit didn’t we do this a long time ago?” solution.

Everyone watched as the stone began to float through the air and join with the other four around, “Grand Ruler…!” cried Lightning.

Ert: No, his legal name is now Dues Ex Machina.

Goeth: It just occurred to me that people only seem permitted to refer to him by his title, never his name. They can’t even call him “Grand Ruler Celesto.” Ah, 1984. A wonderful reference for a children’s story.

His master smiled and nodded. Then he said “If there is one thing you must never believe,

Ert: Oh fuck off. You keep yammering on about how everyone needs to beleive, and now you’re telling us to not believe in something? MIXED MESSAGES!

Nora: Also, apparently the only thing we can’t believe in is what?

and that is that you are all alone. Help will always come to those who are in need.”

Nora: Ah, so we can believe in anything else? Including that you’re a crummy ruler? Hey, it’s just what you brought up.

He used his magic to charge the rainbow stone, and the three others that he had brought with him, and then the stones gave a power glow and shot rays of light straight at Lightning, Starla… and all their friends…!

All of them felt very strange. “What is this…?” asked Buddy Rose.

“What’s going on…?”
I feel so strong!” said Rhymey.

Dyno and Myte felt like they could blow up a mountain themselves, and not with any explosives but just using brute strength. Starla and Lightning both stood up, with their injuries fully healed, and Starla had her boot back. Grand Ruler explained that, just as he had promised, “You all found the rainbow stones. You overcame many hardships and battled countless foes and all because you never gave up hope and continued to believe. Now as promised, their great power will bring you victory. Use it well.”

“No…!” growled Serpent “The power is mine…!”

Ert:…Really?

Nora: Mykan seems to be ignoring the age old rule. If you’re going to steal something, steal something worth having.

Even with his powers severely weakened, he still was not willing to let what he had come so close to obtaining slip away now. “I WILL CRUSH YOU ALL…!”

Goeth: It’s like watching a dying animal desperately trying to cling to life. Really these fight scenes should be half as long but Mykan keeps padding them out.

Ert: Because we have such emotional attachment to these characters.

He charged forward ready to crush them all like insects. “Not if I can help it…!” snarled Buddy Rose as he dashed forth and unleashed his biggest and deadliest, “PETAL DANCE…!” and his razor-leafs were now larger and sharper and flew faster than ever. They pelted Serpent from all around and damaged him good!

Nora: They damaged him good like Mykan speak English good!

Ert: Am I the only one who wants to see a story where the main character defeats the villain without the use of a last minute power-up? It comes across as more meaningful and satisfying if they defeat the villain with their own power.

Goeth: Nonsense! That isn’t feel good!

Ert: Blah blah blah, more attacks that do damage without bringing up how, and then Lightning gives a self righteous speech.

And Lightning stood, glowing and ready for the final blow. He no longer required as much concentration as before and in fact was ready to try something he never thought was possible before. “Serpent Tyrant!” he shouted. “You killed my parents… you’ve destroyed countless dimensions for your own desires

Nora: He did? Not really. Sure he sacked the Elf dimenson, but Mykan is a wimp so no one died. And he didn’t do anything to the fairy dimension.

Ert: And his “desire” is to bring back to life everyone Titan killed. I still consider that to be a noble goal.

… and you have demonstrated nothing but pure evil… and now… may all you have destroyed be avenged!”

Goeth: Ah, I finally learned what Mykan is trying to tell us. Believe in revenge and making yourself feel better!

Nora: Not surprised.

His horn and the rainbow rod both glowed and sparkled like crazy. “You can’t do this to me…!” shouted Serpent. “I can and I will…!” shouted Lightning as he charged rainbow force together, at the same time. The two forces collided into Serpent. The beast roared and screeched endlessly as his body began to vaporize into complete and total nothingness.

Nora: He charged the rainbow force together with the rainbow force? Huh.

Ert: We know that Mykan MEANT to say he used the rainbow force with the uni-force, but its not our job to fill in the blanks for someone who just doesn’t fucking care.

Then, he was gone… and all was quiet, until Grand Ruler smiled and said “Well done everyone. Serpent-Tyrant is no more. You have all done well.”

Goeth: I like to feed your positive reinforcement. Even though I was the one who did all the heavy lifting. And Lighting. Partially.

Lightning and friends bowed to him, “But really…” he said “If you hadn’t shown up with the stones… who knows what would’ve happened.”

Ert: EXACTLY!

“There are times in which even the bravest and strongest warrior will need help from others.”

Ert: And from the way this story has been written, those times are absolutely always.

Grand Ruler said “Believe in yourself… and believe in others who depend on you, as well as those who fight alongside you, and there is nothing you cannot overcome.”

Nora: TL;DR have OP friends that can bail you out whenever things get too hard. Also have access to almighty power.

Ert: Charming.

Lightning smiled and bowed to his mentor again, but the moment was spoiled when a small portal appeared, and out came Krysta crying “Lightning…! Lightning…!”

Ert: Wait, Krysta was the one who spotted everything ?

Everyone dashed over. “Krysta…? What’s wrong…?” asked Lightning.

Krysta took a moment to catch her breath and she explained that there was trouble in Equestria. Grand Ruler’s ears twitched and Rhymey blinked once. He was very worried about Fluttershy.

Nora: Seems that way.

Ert: I’m not even sure where to start with this, but I guess I’ll go with, when the hell did she learn to travel through dimensions with her own power? And why did the nameless fairy go to her, if she herself was just going to go to Lightning. Maybe he could’ve cut out the middle man? Time is of the essence here!

Goeth: And Rhymey is concerned about Fluttershy. Only Fluttershy. Hormones.

“What is wrong? Tell us now!
How bad is it… just how?”

It was worse than bad…

Goeth: Super bad!

The ponies and other creatures were already worked to the bone at the hoof of their evil queen,

Ert: It’s been a DAY! TOPS! It takes longer to work an entire population to exhaustion than this. And how is Nightmare Moon doing this anyway?

Night Mare, but Night Mare was ready to send her new friends off on their own mission. “The time has come, my friends.” she said to them “You have helped me valiantly, and no service shall go unrewarded.”

Nora: And they’re being rewarded with more work. Nightmare Moon seems to be struggling on the whole carrot and stick mindset. She’s got it backwards.

Ert: Maybe it’s that childish kind of evil where they hate everything good. You know, they like the smell of shit and think clean air is toxic?

“So your letting us go now…?” asked Rep-Stallion. “Can we go crush the unicorns we’ve told you about?”

Night Mare nodded.

Goeth: I’m trying to understand the relationship that the minions have with Nightmare Moon. Is it mutual? Or do they take orders from her?

Ert: Mykan doesn’t actually establish stuff.

“This is going to be so incredible!” cried Dementia. “To think, we’ll have two kingdoms under our control.”

Nora: And with that, we can do more evil things! Forget exploiting resources or taxation, we can be jerks!

Ert: Has there ever been a villain in a kids show that had a reason for taking shit over? Other than “Is evil?”

Mysterious sniggered “For so long we have waited for our chance at revenge, and now…” he didn’t bother to finish. “Good luck, my friends.” Night Mare said as she watched the minions depart.

Goeth: See, her calling them friends implies that they’re equal partners, something that directly contradicts them needing her permission.

Ert: Stop looking for logic in this story. You’re trying to get water out of a rock.

She really hoped they would succeed and was confident that they would. She never forgot Celesto, and thought she had finished him all those ages ago. “First I took my sister’s world, and now…” but the rest of what she had to say was summed up in laughter.

Nora: I-ha-plan-ha-to-ha-turn-ha-this-ha-monarchy-ha-into-ha-a-ha-communist-ha-dicatorship-ha.

Celestia and Luna could hear her from within their secret dungeon under the castle itself.

Ert: Either she’s so loud she should be breaking glass, or there’s some damn lousy insulation in this place.

Luna felt ever so depressed and felt that this was all her doing. She created Night Mare, “The fault must lie with me.”

Goeth: Well Night Mare isn’t a real thing, and no that isn’t how it works. This is what happens when people who can’t write try to write drama. Nonsensical whining.

“No…! Don’t think that.” said Celestia “We all were just as surprised by her appearance, and had no way of knowing, and now you’re in just as much danger as the rest of us.”

Ert: You’ll notice that she didn’t actually say that Luna didn’t create Nightmare Moon, just that “oh you couldn’t have known” and “You’re being hurt by her too.” This is why people who can’t write shouldn’t write heartwarming moments.

Luna couldn’t understand how her sister could act so calm at a time like this, Celestia hated to admit it, but she was deathly afraid, and for the first time in a very, very long time too. If only Twilight and her friends knew where they were…

She closed her eyes tightly and prayed for a miracle.

Nora: Man, they might as well just blared over the intercom “This is a sign that everything is going to be ok! The heroes are on the way now!”

Ert: And three…two…one.

Her prayers were almost immediately answered when a small fairy, Krysta, and several others appeared in the dungeon. “Who are you…?” she asked.

Goeth: Apparently Krysta can see into the future or perceive beyond the barriers of dimensons, as this place was supposed to be hard to find, yet she located it with no difficulty.

Nora: How did she do that?

“Shh…! No time to explain Princess.” said Krysta,

Goeth: Wow, that time of week already?

and she and her warping fairies used their warping spells to weaken the cells holding the two sisters just enough so they could silently slip out. “How can we ever repay you?” asked Luna

The fairies gazed at one another and explained of what they wanted the two sisters to do.

Ert: Well at least Mykan grasped one of the basic elements of storytelling. You don’t tell people what the plan your heroes are going to use is, IF it’s going to all go according to plan.

Twilight and friends were trying to sleep within separate cells in another dungeon.

Nora: How many dungeons does this castle have? And are these pre-built dungeons, or does Nightmare Moon know contractors from a reality where time moves a million times faster?

Night Mare was finally merciful enough to give them a rest period, but not a very long one.

Goeth: Ah yes, she’s one of those evil people who likes exhausted slaves doing terrible jobs.

Ert: Have you ever wondered if writers understand there’s a difference between something causing misery and someone going out of their way to maximize misery at their own expense? People rarely do the later.

The cells were cold and dank, and there was hardly any place to sleep, but Twilight and friends were so sore and tired form all their chores, they almost didn’t care.

Nora: I’m struggling to understand what the hell it means by there being “Hardly any place to sleep.” Vague narration is vague.

Twilight and Spike shared a cell, and at least they could talk there. Spike had a hard time trying to sleep like the others. Not being a pony he couldn’t sleep standing up, and it almost hurt to lie down, especially on that cold and hard stone floor. The chains didn’t make it any more comfy.

Ert: Uh, no one in the show has ever been depicted as sleeping standing up. This is a bit of realism that feels very jarring, especially considering Mykan made his unicorns even less realistic than FIM ponies.

“Are you okay, Spike?” asked Twilight.

Spike shook his head, “I don’t think anyone is okay.” he said sadly “I don’t think anyone will be okay anytime soon.”

Goeth: You don’t know Mykan little one. He wants his feel good bits as son as possible. This suffering will be over in a jiffy. An actual jiffy.

Twilight felt tears coming to her eyes, and she could hardly hold it in. “Oh, Twilight…” cried Spike, “I didn’t mean to…”

Nora: I just wanted to make it clear that everything was hopeless WITHOUT making you feel sad.

“No…” Twilight sobbed “It’s not that… it’s just… I… I… I’m scared, Spike. I’m really scared.”

“Oh, Twilight…” cried Spike as he moved over to hug her as she cried softly. Who could blame Twilight for feeling like this? She had never felt so helpless in her life. With Night Mare on the throne, she and her friends were powerless to do anything, the entire kingdom was enslaved, and Princess Celestia nowhere to be known. Twilight felt as if she had failed everyone. What kind of apprentice was she to the Princess?

Ert: Did the record just skip?

Nora: Not much to say. Just boring exposition that we’ve been given before.

Then, suddenly, they both head a little sound, “Pssst…!” they both looked up and saw a fairy, Krysta, at the cell window. She explained, in a very soft tone so she would not be overheard, that the princess and her sister were fine and with them now. “Don’t worry… everything will be all right soon. Just have faith and believe.” she whispered. Then she vanished out of sight.

Ert: I’m starting to wonder if this is some religious thing. Apparently Mykan was raised in a religion household (His parents being those wonderful people that think autism=mental retardation so he never got him checked. Thanks assholes, you’re one the reasons he’s like that.) so maybe this is him trying to force religion on us? I dunno, I’m just spit balling.

Goeth: The fairy is rather cruel, saving the princesses but leaving Twilight and her friends to rot.

Nora: Mykan, your you is showing.

Twilight smiled, sniffed, and wiped the tears from her eyes. The princess was safe now, at least that was over, but she and Spike wondered what that fairy meant by everything would be fine soon. Even Princess Celestia was powerless against Night Mare or she never would have been captured at all.

Whatever was going to happen, all they could do was wait and stay strong.

Ert: And accept Jesus Christ as your lord and savior, blah blah blah. End of chapter.  Somehow it’s gotten even LESS interesting.

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18 Comments on “1444: My Little Unicorn: Magic is Believing (That still means nothing) Chapter 22”

  1. Delta XIII says:

    Poor Starla fell to the ground shaking in pain, “My… my leg!”

  2. Delta XIII says:

    Lightning felt his anger beginning to spike. “Starla….!” he roared, and then he roared angrily

    *sirens wail*
    Don’t worry, I’ll handle this.

    *walks into hallway*
    *after a beat, yelling is heard*
    GALICK GUN, FIRE!
    *loud discharges of energy*

    *re-enters room*
    Simple.

  3. AdmiralSakai says:

    Night Mare had all her new subjects working hard to build her new empire from the ruins of Equestria.
    The ponies and even other animals were forced to march, push and pull boulders and stones.

    That’s not an empire, that’s a rock garden.

  4. AdmiralSakai says:

    Rarity constantly was whining about how ugly she looked, dressed in rags, covered with soot, and chained to an iron ball. “Eww… there’s dust in mane.” she cried.

    Nobody tell her that there is also dust in Rhode Island.

  5. AdmiralSakai says:

    and Rainbow Dash to perform tricks for her as entertainment.

    God dammit, fanfiction, now there’s only one way I will ever be able to read that line…

    • AdmiralSakai says:

      Ert: I’m wondering if Mykan was paying attention at all when he was watching the show. Because Rainbow won’t be able to do many tricks without her wings.

      See above.

  6. AdmiralSakai says:

    Nora: I’m reminded of Trapped and EPrick deciding that a girl’s parents kidnapped her. Because they had secret passages. Someone making a jump in logic despite there being no evidence.

    I hope they don’t get any pirated Sonic games in the near future…

  7. AdmiralSakai says:

    Ert: I don’t know what explanation to go with. That Mykan has this little respect for his readers, or that he thinks plasma burns just cause owies.

    We should send him to Love of a Spartan when we’re done with him.

  8. AdmiralSakai says:

    and now… the time has come for us to say goodbye…

    Goddammit, Mykan, stop reminding me of better writing!

  9. AdmiralSakai says:

    Even with his powers severely weakened, he still was not willing to let what he had come so close to obtaining slip away now. “I WILL CRUSH YOU ALL…!”

    You know, I really do feel sorry for Serpent-Terror in this story. I mean, we already know that his goal is a commendable one and that he’s never actually done anything evil that couldn’t be pinned on the Grand Drooler, but even before all of that there was something about his sheer, dog-like endurance in the face of being smacked down time and again by these idiotic kids that tweaks my pity detector.

    I wonder if he’d make a good DRD repellent here at the Mesa?

  10. AdmiralSakai says:

    And they’re being rewarded with more work. Nightmare Moon seems to be struggling on the whole carrot and stick mindset. She’s got it backwards.

    I guess you’ve never been through grad school, then.

    “Oh, you’ve worked 16-hour days all week to get the simulation finished well before I needed it? Awesome! Now you get to build me an entire neural network to interface and train off of it in half that time!”

  11. AdmiralSakai says:

    Then, suddenly, they both head a little sound, “Pssst…!” they both looked up and saw a fairy, Krysta, at the cell window. She explained, in a very soft tone so she would not be overheard, that the princess and her sister were fine and with them now. “Don’t worry… everything will be all right soon. Just have faith and believe.” she whispered.

    “But don’t believe that we’ll, like, actually bust you out like we did the Princesses or anything. You’re only the main characters, it’s not like you’re actually important.

    Have fun being brutalized!”

  12. BatJamags says:

    I honestly don’t even have anything snarky to say about this chapter. Mykan’s writing has gotten so predictable that there is literally nothing in this chapter that I didn’t assume was going to happen from the events of the last chapter.

    Predictions for next chapter: The fairies summon the Unicorns to wherever the hell the current set of Generic Villains is. Mykan’s stupid “heroes” beat “Night Mare” by screwing around for a while before gaining some bullshit power-up. GR and Celestia get married, possibly along with Lightning and Starla, and a bunch of other painfully saccharine developments ensue, possibly involving the merging of unicorninopia and Equestria.

    God, this story is predictable.

  13. leobracer says:

    There are two fanfics out there that deconstruct Mykan’s Shitfest; ‘Fall of Starfleet, Rise of Harmony’ and the other is called ‘Starfleet Nemesis’.

    I haven’t read Starfleet Nemesis, so I can’t comment on it, but I have read Fall of Starfleet.

    And while I do enjoy reading Fall of Starfleet, I must admit that its marred by many grammar and spelling mistakes, and then there’s the fact that in the very first chapter, Starla gets raped by the new bad guy right in front of Lightning Dawn.

    Even so, its still a fun read. It was especially satisfying to see Lightning Dawn and his cohorts get stomped to the curb by the new bad guy. And then there’s the chapter where Rainbow Dash fights against Rhymey and WINS, followed by Celestia putting the Grand Douchebag in his place after the Equestrians, not the UnicorNOPEians, defeat the new bad guy’s army.

  14. CrunchyRaptor says:

    Nora: How many dungeons does this castle have? And are these pre-built dungeons, or does Nightmare Moon know contractors from a reality where time moves a million times faster?

    *Stuffs a sheaf of paper into a drawer and slams it shut*

    I resent that implication.

  15. "Lyle" says:

    Twilight smiled, sniffed, and wiped the tears from her eyes. The princess was safe now, at least that was over,

    Considering they’ve been captured and enslaved, why the fuck are they so trusting of a stranger at their cell window? If I were them, I’d be very suspicious that this is just some cruel joke played by Queen McEvilbritches, sending one of her minions to instill false hope in the slaves so their morale can be further crushed when they discover it was all a ruse. I would have demanded proof and further explanation.

    Of course, I’m not a character being written by a guy who writes with one hove *gags* under the desk.


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