1443: Saphire – Chapter Two (…Of Hopefully Two)

SC dun goof’d, folks! Just pretend you didn’t actually see this yesterday. It was an illusion. I’m a wizard. -SC

Title: Saphire
Author: Bat-teen 28
Media: Video Game
Topic: Thief (2013 reboot)
Genre: Adventure/Mystery
URL: Chapter 2
Critiqued by SC, Contacts, and the Master

*Contacts stares in shock at the riff header, either unaware or unconcerned with the presence of the Master right behind him; a moment later, SC wanders into the riffing chamber*

Contacts: Fuck you.

Excuse me?

Master: He’s been reading over what this riff is about.

Contacts: You called me in for more of this shit?!

Sure. I figured you were there for the last one, and this just updated, so…

Master: You invited me, too, and since I eventually did show myself in the last one, I couldn’t really spring another surprise on you two. So, I guess that means I’m going to participate more directly, this time around.

Contacts: …Wait, when did you even get here?! How long have you been standing behind me?! Did you put your hands on my wallet?!

Master: You mean the wallet you have yet to retrieve from that Syl character? You know, for being my student, you sure don’t do my lessons much credit.

*The Master hands Contacts his wallet*

Master: And also, yes, I did put my hands on your wallet.

Contacts: Wha-?!

Master: Booze is a wonderful asset. I snuck in when I was sure Syl was good and wasted so that she wouldn’t notice, which is what you could have done, if you weren’t my greatest embarrassment. You’re welcome, by the way.

Contacts: I… How… But…

Master: They don’t call me “master” because I like to brag, kid.

And they don’t call this “a bad transition” because it’s smooth and well-timed, either!

Contacts: Say what, no-?

Hello, and welcome back to the Library of the Damned! I’m your host, SC, and this week, given that real life stuff is happening for me which might have LAFS on hold for a little bit, depending on what kind of time I have to sit down and riff, we not-so-happily return to Saphire, by Bat-teen 28, for another round of garbage thievery!

Most of you guys probably recall that a while back, I did what I hoped would only be a oneshot of chapter one of this fic, but was dubious as to my luck because it had only been left untouched for two months. Well, I was right to be concerned, because in April of last year, the author added a second chapter, and I only recently discovered this thanks to a sudden bout of bad luck, when I decided to read back through my old riff (and cringe at how poor a job I did on my formatting at the time), got curious about a review I left and clicked the fic’s link.

Well, since there’s another chapter in need of riffing, it only makes sense that I riff it, right? And since I had a couple of thieves with me last time, why not have a couple of thieves with me again? The Master and Contacts have both been here already, so no introductions for them.

Master: That’s fine. I don’t like people knowing my secrets anyhow.

Contacts: Aw, I don’t get too set off all those bootleg fireworks I snagged and make a dramatic entry?

Okay, no, because you were already introduced a long time ago, and no again, because you’d set everything on fire. And no a THIRD time, because Aviators would arrest you if you tried.

Contacts: I can take that fucker. Bring it on, I say!

*silence*

Contacts: …Normally, this is the part where he tries to fire a taser arrow at me.

*The Master coughs and gestures to a nearby closet, where Aviators has been knocked unconscious, stripped of his valuables, tied up, and hung on a coat hook*

Contacts: …Oh.

Master: Again: I didn’t get my nickname because I wasn’t good at my job.

Alright, let’s get going, you two. The sooner we do, the sooner we won’t ever have to look at this again (even though I read back my old riffs frequently).

A thief called Garrett.

I hear he’s that protagonist of that game about thieves or something?

Master: Never heard of it.

Contacts: Sounds fake to me.

Saphire was not used to being insulted so harshly, she supposed Garrett wasn’t used to being struck in the face by a woman. Oh well, first time for everything.

Saphire is supposing a lot of things about Garrett that she can’t possibly know, and that’s not a smart move.

Master: I like the part where her little feelings are hurt because she got insulted.

Contacts: Were you here when- oh, wait, yeah, you were here the whole time last chapter, my bad.

Master: Not the whole time; I lifted a few things people may or may not have missed on my way here. By the way, nice job scoring a whole bunch of everybody’s shit, Contacts.

Contacts: WHY?!

She sighed and looked down at her drink in her hands before glancing around the rest of the Siren’s Rest, there were very little people in tonight, usually it was full but it seems after recent events of the Gloom and other strange things like the Graven had led to many being afraid to leave their homes.

Master: Too scared, even for a sweet gig? What a bunch of spineless mutts.

Wow, that was a bit harsh.

Master: The world ending wouldn’t stop me from scoring big, these little bitch-boys are embarrassing.

Contacts: I can attest to her dedication. The reason I died was because she helped sell me out to the people who taught me how to darkstep.

Master: Shit, I dragged his ass right to those guys. Got payed in a galleon full of gold, I don’t regret that job for a second.

Contacts: They paid HOW MUCH to have me killed?!

Master: A. Galleon. The thing was half-drowned because all the gold was weighing it down. The only part of it that wasn’t buried in coin was the wheel so that the captain could sail it.

I’m pretty sure I can’t count that high.

Master: I tried. Got to about three thousand before I lost count and had to start over again.

Contacts: Jesus, I screw up one time…

“I am surprised to see you today chica’.”

Oh my God, Herr, I’m so sorry.

Contacts: Are we about to have bad Spanish? Should I set out the pies?

Saphire smiled at the accent she knew so well and had missed slightly. She looked up as the dark figure came and sat in the small bench in front of her.

“Hey Spider,” she called smiling slightly as he smiled back at her. “How’ve you been?”

Master: “Spider?” What, because his fingers are sticky? Because he can scale almost any surface? I’ve known about ten “Spiders” who claimed similar feats, and they all wound up hanged. I have no faith in this braggart.

Contacts: I feel like I’m starting to understand why you took me on as your student.

“I’ve been good. A little bit of stealing here and there, climbing up walls and things.”

Contacts: …Still not seeing what warrants your nickname, bud.

Master: I’m rapidly losing interest in this pipsqueak. Show me something interesting, or stop talking about him.

I’m half considering just letting these two go at it with this fic, audience.

Saphire smiled. “Do you ever stop?”

“No, not really.”

“I didn’t think so.”

Master: So he’s one of those thieves who jumps at any job, no matter how worthless? Ugh. Have some dignity, would you?

You mean to tell me that you don’t casually pick pockets for no good reason?

Master: Now, I never said anything like that…

Contacts: Nah, pickpocketing and swiping small shit is just a fun pastime, she’s talking about JOBS. Shit you have to actually PREPARE for.

Master: I ever tell you about the time I ran a heist against the Goldmine with some of my guys?

Contacts: Wait. That’s the underground’s name for the Treasury of the Realm. That shit was joint-controlled by three separate lords and their militias, and it was distributed like clockwork throughout their territories via caravans under extremely heavy guard. I made three attempts and had to abort every single time because their spotters caught sight of me and alerted the compound. How the crap did you pull a heist on that place?

Master: It was certainly fun.

I’m sure it’s an interesting story, but we should keep going.

Spider frowned at his friend before he tilted his head to the side. “You do not seem to be yourself tonight chica’. Is there something wrong?”

“Hmm… is there something wrong…? well…” she trailed off before leaning closer to him across the table. “Do you know a thief called Garrett?”

Master: Sure, I’ve heard of him. He’s good at what he does, has his own methods, keeps to his own turf. I do the same on my end. We stay out of each other’s hair.

she whispered making Spider choke on his own drink before he lowered it and looked up at him, his scared side of his face, one singular line running down his eye on the left side of his face all the more prominent at the expression he gave her.

…Okay, so, I have no issues with Scars of Awesome, because I have a fair number of characters who have them, but that doesn’t mean I don’t wish that authors would try and be a bit more original with said scars. The slash over the eye/across the nose/a big X in the middle of the face is getting kind of done to death, recently. Personally, I’ve started doing more drastic ones: One of my many Williams is literally checkerboarded with scars all over his body from various gruesome battles he’s seen, to the point where he has to conceal himself at all times to avoid freaking out the general populace, and he still manages to be a cool character for it.

“Do you not know of him?”

“Um… lets say I’ve only just heard about him.”

Contacts: “And he was mean to me and wouldn’t be swayed by my Sue charms, what a jerk!”

Master: Good lord, you could just remove the “Sue” bit, and you’ll have my experience with rookie thief girls trying to impress me with how quick a study they all are. Which they aren’t, first of all, and if they knew that I was also a woman, I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t be hitting on me.

Just one of those risks that come with obscuring your gender, huh?

Master: I knew what I was signing on for, but shit, it just doesn’t end. I can’t even go to an underground pub and have a drink without getting flocked by thirsty doves. All I want is to steal shit, piss off the authorities and enjoy my life, why must I have fangirls?

Contacts: Wait, not even those pubs run by the Bloodharts? You’d think the mob would be better about policing idiots.

Master: They have enough fenced cash to pay their tabs and stay good with the Don, so nobody gives a shit, sadly.

Wishing some kneecaps would get busted, are you?

Master: If some of them fell off a cliff and died, that wouldn’t hurt my feelings. Part of the reason I took Contacts as my student is because he was so fresh in the game that he didn’t constantly sing my praises every time he saw me.

Contacts: That, and you did kinda sell me out to the Shadowstriders. And you seem to enjoy reminding me that I’ll always be the inferior thief of the two of us, which certainly doesn’t help my opinion of you.

Master: Money’s the prize and thieving’s the game, kid. It was never my intention to make friends, and it’s really your own fault that you let yourself think otherwise and got fucked for it.

Hey Contacts, does it seem some days like you made a mistake in your vocation of choice?

Contacts: Feels some days like I made a mistake letting myself be taught be the best.

Master: Listen, kid, if you’re gonna whine about me being mean, you can go stuff your head in a forge. You should’ve known what you were signing on for before you took my offer.

Well, as much as I am enjoying watching you two have it out at each other, I should move on.

Spider shook his head. “You can’t go speaking his name out like that in public, chica’, it’ll get you trouble and lets be honest, with our line of work, we hardly need any more.”

Contacts: And yet, I willingly walk into meetings of secret societies plotting foul deeds for the world for the sake of stealing the thing they need to obtain their goal. Not sure if Spider’s a bitch, or I’m just nuts.

Master: Spider’s a bitch.

Contacts: That’s what I thought-

Master: And you’re nuts.

Contacts: Oh.

Master: But then again, I don’t have much place to talk, because I willingly did business with the world’s deadliest, most untraceable assassins.

You two are just a series of questionable decisions.

Master and Contacts: Yup.

“Look.. Spider, just tell me who he is.”

Spider sighed before he ran a hand down his face, leaning over the table so he could whisper. “I don’t know much, but then again no one knows much about the Master Thief.”

He was a student of the Keepers, became disillusioned by their teachings and left them behind, took up a life of thievery employing their skills as his own-

Oh, wait, wrong Garrett. Shit. I keep doing that.

Contacts: Can’t say I blame you, that Garrett is the cool Garrett.

I mean, they’re both cool in their own respective ways, it’s just OG-Garrett was the more cool one.

“Have you ever met him?”

He laughed and threw his head back before he placed forward, shaking it at the same time. “As if I would be so lucky as to meet a legend like him.”

Master: The little girl would disagree with you about being lucky to meet him.

Yeah, but since when do we care what she thinks?

Master: Cheers to that.

…Where’d you get that booze?

Master: I’m reasonably certain that Taco character won’t miss one bottle.

Well, I’m a dead man.

Master: Sucks to be you.

“Well… what do you know about him?”

“Only that he was responsible for stopping the gloom somehow… the Queen knows more.”

“The Queen?” Saphire frowned before looking back at him. “You mean the Queen of Beggars?”

“Do you know of any others?”

“To be honest, no. Not personally.”

O hai, Queen of Beggars!

O hai, Queen of Beggars!

The Queen of Beggars is a plot-important character in the Thief reboot. She’s not a queen, so much as a suspected remnant of the Keepers of the original trilogy. Also, she’s a major gossip who knows just about fucking everything there is to know in the City.

Spider smirked. “Exactly, but that’s besides the point. You remember the explosion at Northcrest Manor right?”

“Yes.”

“Rumours are, it was Garrett who caused it and then he disappeared for a year, before returning. Even killed the Thief Taker General and destroyed the gloom. But that is all that is known about the Master Thief.”

O hai, asshole Thief Taker General!

O hai, asshole Thief Taker General!

Thadeus Harlan, known better by most as the Thief Taker General, is the commander of the Watch. Like Garrett, he is extremely good at his job (hunting thieves, naturally), but unlike Garrett, who has morals and a strict code of conduct, Thadeus is a massive dick who will gladly use the law to do whatever he so damn pleases, simply because he hunts thieves, and so therefore, he is the good guy, no matter what cruelty he pulls. It actually makes for a pretty interesting take on the dichotomy of black and white moralities: Garrett is technically black morality because he steals from others, but behaves with a white morality because he abides almost by some code of honor, whereas Thadeus is technically white morality because he’s the law, but behaves with a black morality because he uses the law as his means of dodging persecution for his own wickedness.

“Master Thief? They must be talking about me!”

Master: Oh, aren’t you a precious little poppy.

Saphire rubbed her eyes and looked over at the couple. “I can assure you, a mere pickpocket is no master thief.”

Although it is hilarious to just have Ezio walk through a huge crowd and yoink every single coin purse he sees in Assassin’s Creed.

Contacts: And then have like a hundred guys itching to beat the hell out of you.

Yeah, but they’re punks, so that fight’s easy.

The man who had spoken up chuckled. “Now, now, Saphy, no need to be harsh, ain’t that right my lovely Dice?” the man spoke turning to his comrade dubbed Dice, who was wearing mostly red with small parts of black, two scars along her eye on the left side of her face.

Contacts: That had better be a dark red if Dice plans on not getting thrown behind bars. Or killed by the Thief Taker General, whichever.

Master: I remember one time, there was this kid who wanted to try and change up the game by wearing a rainbow-colored uniform of all bright colors. His intention was to still get away with it, even though he knew he’d be easily seen.

And then what happened?

Master: I was laying low from one of my own jobs and found his body floating down the river with about fifty arrows sticking out of his back.

Contacts: So I take it his plan failed, then?

Master: It was about fifty more arrows short of being a hysterical failure.

Saphire had at least been able to keep her face intact when it came to injury.

Contacts: Which is a lot more than I can say for myself. Everybody aims for my head now, whether it explodes or gets cleaved in half or shot full of holes.

Master: Still think being immortal is so great?

Contacts: I mean, it’s helped me get better at my job, but beyond that…

Dice smiled and sat next to Spider with the man that was obviously her boyfriend came and slid next to her.

“What brings you two here?” questioned Spider.

“Can’t two friends come and sit with two of their friends?”

Saphire frowned before raising and eyebrow. “With you and Dice? Ha, yeah right Check. We all know that the only time you two come to talk is when you need help with something.”

Contacts: Ah, this must be a thieving team, then. Hey, I don’t have any issues with heist teams, good on them. I have a team of about six, myself.

Master: They’re good, so long as you can trust that any attempt to stab each other in the backs will find nothing but failure.

Contacts: Well, yeah, of course. That’s how my team and I stay square with each other – we know that we’re all too good at what we do to try and pull something without regretting it, so we just figure that it’s better to be allies than enemies. Besides, if we can’t work with each other, we may as well just work alone, because we’re about the only sure bets as far as teammates go in this business.

Your heist team is structured around The Devil You Know And The Devil You Don’t?

Contacts: Kind of. If any of us had an idea that we could fuck over the other guys, I bet whoever it was would do it in a heartbeat, but I’d still much rather work with them than some character I’ve never seen in action.

Master: What about those Shades and Specs characters?

Contacts: Nah, they’re not my heist team. Shades is an ex-cop and Specs is too charitable to risk stealing anything, on the off-chance that someone might end up suffering for it. And Booky, whenever I can convince him to come along, would shame me into leaving everything I tried to steal exactly where I found it, which is weird, because he considers everybody beneath him, so why would he care…? Anyhow, those guys, I just take treasure hunting instead. It’s not technically stealing if we find it in the ruins of dead, ancient societies, right?

What about you, Master, did you ever have a heist team?

Master: No. What I do have, however, is an extensive network of fellow thieves who have all pledged their loyalty to me and now act as my eyes and ears across the world. I work with any number of them if I feel like having a group with me on a heist, hence the Goldmine job.

…So, a Thieves Guild, then?

Master: Something like that.

Dice and Check laughed. “Well… this time it’s different… but hey now, why were you talking about the master thief?”

Saphire went to answer when she was interrupted by two voices.

They looked over and watched as Taro and Mystic came over to them, before Taro sat down letting Mystic have the end seat.

“I’m just saying, my cards are right.”

“I am not deny that, but the old religion-.”

“Which is against the law to practice.”

“Is more accurate to cards.”

Oh God, Taro has a gimmick. And I’m guessing he’s supposed to be named after his gimmick, which are tarot cards?

One letter. You only had to remember one letter, and you fucking didn’t.

Contacts: And Mystic, I guess, practices an old faith that helps him be a better thief. Ugh. I hate gimmick thieves. Their skillset is built around one key element, and they’re super great at what they do – until they happen to lose that key element. And then they turn into whiny, useless little babies who can’t do shit right. I’m so glad I didn’t go that route.

You mean archery isn’t your gimmick? Because you seem kind of helpless without it.

Contacts: I can use daggers and go hand-to-hand. Hell, Shades taught me how to handle guns, so I can adapt there, too. And thanks to the Shadowstriders, I’m almost untouchable in combat, so long as the scenario is in my favor, that is. I’m just not the most sturdy individual, is my issue, so if I take a hit, I’m a goner. But I don’t rely on gimmicks to do my job for me, and I’m proud of that.

Master: You have my training to thank for that. I didn’t allow you to be a gimmick thief.

Contacts: That’s one of the few things you did that I actually appreciate.

Saphire ran a hand down her face. She always hated these two when they started fighting over what was better, taro cards or mystic’s old religion.

Frankly, Saphire didn’t care.

Neither do the two thieves riffing with me, for reasons previously mentioned.

“Hey, you two shut up, Saphire was about to answer as to why she is so fascinated in the master thief,” Check bit out. Apparently he didn’t like them arguing about those two things either.

“The master thief? Taro frowned and looked at Saphire. “Why you so interested in him?”

Saphire sighed and looked at her friends. Well, now was as good as time to tell them. “I worked a job with him.”

She almost laughed at the way her friends faces went into a look of pure shock.

Contacts: See, I’m different. Every time I ever mentioned being trained by the Master, I got annoyed by all the awe-struck looks I got, so I just quit bringing it up.

Master: I’ve already explained why I don’t like my name getting around.

“What?” spluttered Check.

“Ohh…” Dice grinned and leaned forward. “Was he handsome?”

Saphire flustered slightly and noted how Check glared slightly at his girl. “I wasn’t looking.”

Plus, Garrett doesn’t really take to showing his face off, unlike you idiots.

Master: They show off their faces? I hope you don’t mean in public. Even here, I’m only letting you see half of my face.

No, I mean in public.

Master: …I’m going to hunt them all down and lead the Shadowstriders right to them.

It’s really what they deserve.

Contacts: I have to ask, have you ever been directly responsible for killing someone, rather than having someone else do it for you?

Master: Sure, back when I was a rookie. By the way, I notice you don’t seem to worried about showing your face.

Contacts: That’s because I’m in the Library, where it really doesn’t matter how good I am at what I do because there are people here who are better at what THEY do.

“Honey, everyone looks,” Dice chuckled making Check rolled his eyes.

I find that whenever people say presumptuous, cocky shit like this, I just want to go out of my way to make an ass out of them.

“You do know, your husband to be is sitting right here?” he sang in a patronising way.

“Oh calm down, I wasn’t thinking for me, I was thinking for her,” explained Dice as she pointed at Saphire who’s blue eyes winded to such an amazing proportion you wouldn’t believe.

Hey, shitlord, mind your tenses.

“I’m sorry… what?”

Dice smiled. “You need to find yourself a man, Saphire and I was thinking Master thief kinda suits your taste.”

I also get a rebellious streak whenever I see or hear people say shit like this.

Saphire blinked in disbelieve.

Contacts: Is her grammar getting WORSE?!

“Okay… right first you don’t know my taste in men and second… just no. Not ever going to happen.”

“Why not?”

*Saphire* “He resisted my Sueish charm! How could I ever fall for a guy I can’t manipulate at will?”

“I… sort of almost drowned him.”

Master: Something about him not being able to swim that she didn’t stop to consider, I believe it was?

Something like that, yeah.

Spider burst out laughing. “I’m sorry… did you just say you almost drown the Master Thief.”

“Yes, yes I did.”

“Oh my, how embarrassing for you,” chuckled Check.

“Not as bad as the time the watch caught you.”

Check flustered before turning away.

Master: Pretty sure she’s using flustered wrong.

Even if she’s not, it looks wrong, and she needs to find another word because there’s plenty more than just the one.

But Dice was ever persistent. “So… what did he look like?”

“He had a scar on the right side of his face and one of his eyes was brown and the other, the same side as the scar was blue almost turquoise colour that glowed.”

That was the worst attempt at weaseling character description into dialogue that I’ve ever seen.

“Was he handsome though?”

Saphire sighed and gave her friend a bored look. “Yes, yes he was.”

“Then what’s the problem?”

“Problem?” Saphire chuckled. “Oh well.. there is the fact that he’s the most self centred, arrogant, dishonourable person I have ever met in my entire life, not to mention he’s untrustworthy and a complete and utter egotistical annoyance who’s rude and only values himself as any thief that’s actually good at what they do.”

Wow, someone knows the square root of jack shit about Garrett’s character.

*SC removes his glasses and hooks them on his shirt collar*

To wit: Garrett isn’t self-centered, he just has plenty of reason not to trust many people other than himself. You know, considering that he’s an enemy of the public in the eyes of the Watch, who have the power to sway the opinions of the masses? And how can he be self-centered, when Basso and the Queen of Beggars are two such people he at least respects on some level or another? Being self-centered is being Sports Shades: “I’m the only one who matters because everybody else is lame.” That’s being self-centered.

If Garrett is arrogant, it’s because he’s earned the right to be, since he’s literally the best at what he does. Let me just reiterate that, real quick: THE BEST. Peerless. Without equal. Do I need to define it any other way? And besides that, I wouldn’t call him arrogant at all. He takes his shit INCREDIBLY seriously, he doesn’t go bragging and acting superior. Probably because that could very quickly come back and ruin his shit, if I had to guess.

“Dishonorable” is where I literally started laughing out loud. I JUST got done explaining the dichotomy between Garrett and Thadeus, and how Garrett is, in fact, FAR more honorable than Thadeus, simply on account of the fact that he has a set of rules that he imposed on himself and follows to the letter for the sake of staying out of prison. You want to talk about dishonorable? Erin killed people without batting an eye, whether they deserved it or not. Thadeus loots corpses and abuses innocents. Garrett does none of this. Dishonorable, my ass.

“He’s untrustworthy-” HE’S A FUCKING THIEF! IT COMES WITH THE JOB! And even THEN, that’s an incorrect statement! Do I need to dredge up again how he went out of his way to try and save Erin’s life at the start of the game, despite how at odds they were with each other? And then went and ACTUALLY saved her life, and by proxy the entire City, at the end of the game? If anyone could be called untrustworthy, it sure wouldn’t be Garrett. The guy could have just left the City to rot and gone to new territory, but hey, HE DIDN’T.

“Egotistical.” Didn’t we already cover arrogance? These two words may as well be the same thing, because neither of them apply to Garrett. And again, even if they did, he EARNED it.

“He’s rude and only values himself as any thief worth his salt.” Well shit, look at his competition. Should I be surprised?

I think the most heinous part of this, though, is that Saphire pulled ALL of this out of her ass because Garrett had the nerve to chew her out for sucking at her job and almost getting him killed, which he was well within his right to do at that point. She’s making up all this bullshit to whine to her friends about, because she fucked up and Garrett let her know about it, and how dare he criticize her.

You two were talking about some thieves being bitches, well, might I introduce you to Saphire?

*SC puts his glasses back on*

Master: Heh. I like him when he gets fired up.

Contacts: I don’t.

*The Master turns to address Contacts, only to find a hole burned in his chest and what appears to be an aura of shadow surrounding him*

Master: Wow. How are you alive right now?

Contacts: Dark Preservation. It’s just one of those neat little tricks the Shadowstriders taught me once upon a ti-

*Contacts is abruptly struck down by a vague, dark shape, which then vanishes into the shadows under his seat*

Oh yeah, he’s not allowed to talk about them, I forgot.

Master: Why, though? I’ve MET the Shadowstriders, what could I possibly stand to learn that I don’t already know which would be so dangerous for me to be in on?

Presumably, they only did business with you and didn’t actually tell you about themselves.

Master: Well, yeah, but… oh. Nevermind, I see now.

*Contacts respawns*

Contacts: It slipped out! I’m sorry! Do you assholes not know what accidents are?!

Well, they ARE the world’s deadliest and least traceable assassins, so…

Contacts: You talk about them all the time, how come they never kill your ass?!

Because they, like you and the Master, are creations of my design.

Contacts: You’re a worse Sue than Saphire!

I resent that.

Suddenly a bag of coin was dropped in front of Saphire and she slowly turned to see Garrett standing at the front of the table, all of her friends were staring at him too, but Saphire gulped. Just how much of that conversation had he heard.

O hai, person who was getting bashed two seconds ago! Fancy meeting you here!

“Your pay,” he stated bluntly.

Saphire gave him a weak smile. “Oh… I knew I forgot something.”

Master: Yeah, you forgot to get your ass kicked. But that’s gonna happen pretty quick, here.

Hey, you’re not wrong:

“Not bad for a self centred, arrogant, dishonourable, untrustworthy and egotistical annoyance hmm?”

“Umm…”

“You should consider yourself lucky that Basso was able to convince me it was a good idea to bring you your pay and not just take it for myself.”

“Well I…”

“And as for egotistical… I suppose I am, but I have every right to be.”

“Except you can’t swim.”

“And you can’t steal, so there we’ve both found something we can’t do.”

“I can steal,” Saphire growled.

“Just because you know how to brake into peoples homes instead of their pockets does not make you a thief.”

Ladies and gentlemen: Garrett, the hander of asses.

…Wait. Wait, that sounds wrong.

*The Master laughs; Contacts snorts into his hand in an attempt to not laugh*

SHUT UP, THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT!

She glared at him and stood up from her seat. “If it wasn’t for me, you’d still be sinking to the bottom of the sea.”

“If it wasn’t for you the boat wouldn’t of capsized.”

“There were crossbows on the shore.”

Garrett smirked. “Afraid of being hit by a bolt?”

“No. I just wasn’t in the mood to be struck by one.”

Contacts: Same difference, if you ask me. Point goes to Garrett, ball’s back in Saphire’s court.

He gave her a smug smirk before he pulled the bandana around his face again, his right eye glowed slightly before he turned to leave.

“Umm… Garrett?”

The man stopped and tilted his head to the side to show he was listening.

“Thank you for bringing my pay.”

“Word of advice, don’t ever forget it again. Some fences aren’t as nice as Basso.”

Master: And I kind of wish Basso wasn’t a nice one, either. She does not deserve that cash.

It’s like you read my mind or something.

Contacts: She probably stole it.

Master: Yup.

*The Master holds up SC’s brain*

WHAT?!

[Wow. -Book Specs]

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Saphire called gaining a nod from Garrett as he left the Siren’s Rest, out of the window.

Ladies and gentlemen: Garrett, non-user of doors.

Master: Only lame thieves use doors. Like Contacts.

Contacts: Hey!

“Saphire,” she turned to look at Dice who looked at her seriously. “You go and apologise to him right now.”

“Who are you? My mother?”

“I seem to be, yes,” Dice growled. “Go and apologise, it’s not everyday a thief will give the other their pay instead of taking it for themselves. If you ask me, all of those things you described him as, he is not.”

Ladies and gentlemen: Garrett, changer of opinions.

Yes it counts.

Contacts: We weren’t gonna ask.

You lie.

Contacts: But I don’t, though.

Master: That was a lie, right there.

Contacts: *whispering* Shut up, damn it! He wasn’t supposed to know that!

Saphire glared before she rolled her eyes. “I hate you.”

Thanks, we hate you, too!

Then she out of the Siren’s Rest and catching up with Garrett, who was still up on top of the thief’s high way, peaking inside windows, debating if it was really worth the risk to go and steal the valuables inside, if they even had any to begin with.

I think Saphire a few there.

“I’m sorry.”

You should be.

Garrett for one pleasant moment looked startled before he turned to look at Saphire and he raised an eyebrow curiously.

“What?”

“I said I was sorry for calling you those things and for… almost drowning you… as well as capsizing the boat.”

Garrett watched as Saphire stood uncomfortably in front of him, it seemed like she didn’t apologise often, something he could relate to.

“It’s fine. I doubt we’ll be doing another heist soon.”

“Why can’t you swim?”

“Some people just can’t.”

“Yeah but.. there has to be a reason… right?”

Garrett shot her a glare before he rose to his full hight, wich for all intense and purposes was not very high, but he was still taller then Saphire.

She gulped nervously and took a few steps back. “But it doesn’t concern me so I don’t need to know.”

Garrett seemed to relax after she said that and turned away from her, walking along the thieves highway, intent on getting as far away from her as possible.

Ladies and gentlemen: Garrett, intimidator of-

Master: Ah, shut up, that joke’s getting stale.

Wow, r00d.

T.B.C:

Can you not just end the chapter and let it flow into the next one? Do we really need one of these?

Note: Sorry this took so long! :( Anyway I hope you enjoyed this chapter! :D

For every emote you shove into your fic, I will permit Herr to slap you one time with his gloves. You are now owed two slaps.

Well, that’ll do for this week! Thanks for reading, folks, and stay tuned for next time! As much as I hate this fic, it’s still a nice change of scenery from LAFS once in a while. In the meantime, I’m SC, and on behalf of Contacts and the Master, I’ll see you next time!

Master: …That’s my cue.

*The Master pulls out what looks to be a pebble and throws it on the floor, revealing that it is, in fact, an impact-activated teleportation device; she disappears into a ripple in time and space to who-knows-where, just as Aviators finally stumbles out of the closet*

Aviators: Wha… where the fuck… what happened to me? Where am I? Where’s all my stuff?!

You got mugged, bro.

Aviators: Mugged?! By wh- YOU!

Contacts: Crap.

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63 Comments on “1443: Saphire – Chapter Two (…Of Hopefully Two)”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    Title: Saphire

    Oh, god, thisthing is back…

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    she supposed Garrett wasn’t used to being struck in the face by a woman.

    Usually they go for the balls.

  3. AdmiralSakai says:

    “Hmm… is there something wrong…? well…” she trailed off before leaning closer to him across the table. “Do you know a thief called Garrett?”

    Sure. Last I heard, he was in the chapter title.

  4. Master: Booze is a wonderful asset. I snuck in when I was sure Syl was good and wasted

    Cain: What the hell did you find that got her wasted? Maybe I can use it to get her to leave me alone.

  5. BatJamags says:

    whereas Thadeus is technically white morality because he’s the law,

  6. TacoMagic says:

    Master: Cheers to that.

    …Where’d you get that booze?

    Master: I’m reasonably certain that Taco character won’t miss one bottle.

    Meanwhile, elsewhere in the bunker

    Where the hell is the Windex!? I had to hide it in that old Scotch bottle so that Syl wouldn’t drink it, and it STILL went missing!

    • SC says:

      *Somewhere on a quiet, shady rooftop, the Master pukes up soap*

      Master: Who the fuck puts window cleaner in a whiskey bottle?!

      • Syl says:

        [spits out drink] Why does this Kool-Aid taste like Scotch?!?

      • TacoMagic says:

        Look, I was trying to hide it from Swenia.

        Hmmm, speaking of which, where the hell did I hide the Kool-Aid?

        *Marcus walks in, drops his bucket on Taco’s desk, then stomps out.*

        Oh, right. Don’t worry, man, the mop water is safely stored in the gasoline container!

      • Syl says:

        Mop water? [looks in glass] That explains why this petrol has more glitter and fur in it than usual.

  7. TacoMagic says:

    “Problem?” Saphire chuckled. “Oh well.. there is the fact that he’s the most self centred, arrogant, dishonourable person I have ever met in my entire life, not to mention he’s untrustworthy and a complete and utter egotistical annoyance who’s rude and only values himself as any thief that’s actually good at what they do.”

    All that diatribe is missing is ending with the phrase, “And he’s totally standing right behind me, isn’t he?”

    • TacoMagic says:

      Suddenly a bag of coin was dropped in front of Saphire and she slowly turned to see Garrett standing at the front of the table, all of her friends were staring at him too, but Saphire gulped. Just how much of that conversation had he heard.

      Well… shit.

    • TacoMagic says:

      “Not bad for a self centred, arrogant, dishonourable, untrustworthy and egotistical annoyance hmm?”

      What? Putting a bag of coins on the table? Pretty sure that isn’t very hard.

      Here, let me show you.

      *Taco pulls a bag of coins off his belt then promptly throws his back out and falls to the floor with a shriek manly bellow of pain.*

  8. CrunchyRaptor says:

    *The Master holds up SC’s brain*

    Wait, then whose brain did Syl sell me?

    Pokes at the brain on his table*

    Certainly not Wesker’s. I would recognize that brain anywhere. In fact, I keep it in that drawer over there. *Points*

  9. Syl says:

    SC dun goof’d, folks! Just pretend you didn’t actually see this yesterday. It was an illusion. I’m a wizard. -SC

    [perks up] Did someone say “wizard”?

  10. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “I am surprised to see you today chica’.”

    Okay… Chica is kind of a way to refer to ladies, so it could be worse…

    So far…

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      You do not seem to be yourself tonight chica’. Is there something wrong?

      First of all, why do you have that single quotation mark after “chica”? And second, why is it the only piece of gratuitous Spanish you’ve been spouting out as of yet?

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        You can’t go speaking his name out like that in public, chica’, it’ll get you trouble and lets be honest, with our line of work, we hardly need any more.

        Surely there’s more gratuitous Spanish you could use? Anything!

        You… don’t actually know any other words apart from “chica”, don’t you?

    • SC says:

      Thankfully, it stays there, so you don’t have much to worry about.

  11. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “I’m just saying, my cards are right.”

    “I am not deny that, but the old religion-.”

    “Which is against the law to practice.”

    “Is more accurate to cards.”

    Why do I now get the horrible feeling this girl has assembled a Saturday morning cartoon squad?

    • SC says:

      We have two gimmick thieves, a romantic couple, the Hero(ine), and the Lancer(?).

      Yeah, you’re probably on the mark.

  12. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “Problem?” Saphire chuckled. “Oh well.. there is the fact that he’s the most self centred, arrogant, dishonourable person I have ever met in my entire life, not to mention he’s untrustworthy and a complete and utter egotistical annoyance who’s rude and only values himself as any thief that’s actually good at what they do.”

    I wouldn’t be so miffed about this line if I didn’t hear Anything You Can Do in the background while reading it. It’s like Annie Get Your Gun, without the catchy tunes!

  13. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Suddenly a bag of coin was dropped in front of Saphire and she slowly turned to see Garrett standing at the front of the table, all of her friends were staring at him too, but Saphire gulped. Just how much of that conversation had he heard.

    Yay cliche!

  14. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “Just because you know how to brake into peoples homes instead of their pockets does not make you a thief.”

    *shudders*

    Ugh, why did I have to share from that show…?

  15. Herr Wozzeck says:

    For every emote you shove into your fic, I will permit Herr to slap you one time with his gloves.

    Only if you slap Actually-Fen-Harel once for every emoticon she’s put in her author’s notes. You better start slappin’.


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