1430: Orc – One Shot, Part One

Title: Orc
Author: Anna Marcelli Palmer
Media: Books
Topic: Discworld
Genre: none listed
URL: Orc
Critiqued by Addicted Reader

Hello again, dear Patrons!

I know you were looking forward to another terrible chapter of Lyle’s Naruto fic, but she has a lot going on IRL these days.  I do, too, so we decided to split Monday posts.  So you’ll just have to suffer my snark for a week before she comes back.

So, having finished that long (for me), poorly underwritten “Snow White” fanfic, I’m moving on to a new canon and a new kind of bad writing – an overly flowery, pretentious, short(ish) little fanfic from Terry Pratchett’s Discworld.

Let’s start with the summary:

She had always secretly wanted to travel to Quirm, on a warm summer’s day. When she does, it’s the man, and not the journey, that turns out to be the dream of a lifetime.

Who is “she”?  Who is “the man”?

Well, the characters are listed in the fic info right under the summary, so I’ll only dock the author one irritation point for being intentionally vague.  This fic is about Glenda and Nutt, major characters in Unseen Academicals who pair up at the end of the book.  What do you need to know about them?  Glenda is a practical, down-to-earth cook.  Nutt is an orc – not quite the LotR type of orc, but just as feared in this canon – but he’s mostly a timid goblin-y guy who is very weird but completely non-threatening.  They have been sent on an outreach mission to other orcs.

Orc

~A story by Anna Marcelli Palmer


Redundant title heading is redundant but still better than a pointless disclaimer, so I’m just going to remind the DRD agents how much worse it could be.

Trotting through the boundless lands of Quirm, amidst the sweet silence of a lazy summer’s eve. As the sun peacefully bleeds the sky a passionate scarlet, shadows against the dim light, people can be distinguished, roaming peacefully the picturesque streets ahead.

This prose is so purple I’m afraid it’s about to pass out from lack of oxygen.  Just as I’m about to pass out from lack of proper sentence structure.

I could ask a list of pointless questions here, but I’m not going to bother.  I could start a counter for periods that end flowery strings of phrases that aren’t actually sentences, but it would need to go pretty high.  Instead I’m going to read the metaphors overly literally for shits and giggles.  Here we go:

As the sun peacefully bleeds the sky

Ugh, blood from the sky!

a passionate scarlet

I love you, color red!

Life, beauty, and commotion. Vibrant colors scattered shoddily all over plains that look as infinite as love itself.

I prefer death, ugliness, and stillness, myself.

And to whom do I complain about the poor workmanship of this color distribution?  I asked for an even coating of pastels, but instead there are globs of neons all over the place!

Freedom. Adventure. Longing.

I’m already longing for this to be over, and we’ve barely started!

Everything seems so terribly wrong, so blatantly irrational, yet feels so paralyzingly right. Cell by cell, her whole existence is overwhelmed with senses; the wind blowing playfully through the curls of her hair, the landscape sprinting past them, the rythmical breath of the horse, the firm vibrations caused by the rough impact with the earth, the echo of girlish giggles, sounds of laughter typical of a creature not accustomed to laughing.

Ok, author, I only docked you one irritation point above for not naming characters because the info is basically part of the summary.  But the fic itself needs to stand on its own without the summary.  So if there’s not a way to identify the subjects of the fic from the prose itself soon, I’m going to start docking you a point per word.  That’s going to add up pretty fast, and we have some pretty severe punishments here in the Library starting at about fifty irritation points.

Also, five points for the misused semi-colon, because that’s a pet peeve of mine.

Now, back to over-literally snarking the content:

the landscape sprinting past them

The landscape is sprinting?  Pretty much the only types of landscape that move quickly are rivers and avalanches, and it’s not a good idea to ride a horse in either.

the firm vibrations caused by the rough impact with the earth

This better not be going where I think it’s going …

::checks fic’s rating::

Rated K.  We’re safe.

Her arms frozen for hours around his waist, fingers clutching firmly on the cloth of his shirt, so much so that veins are becoming visible on both her hands.

My first thought is that veins are always visible on my hands, so this makes no sense.  But actually, I’m so pale as to be transparent, so I guess that’s probably not true of everyone.  And I don’t remember if Glenda’s skin tone is described in the book.  I think the author means that the veins are standing out from her clenching her hands.  But I don’t know.  -1 irritation point.  Be careful, author.

On their way to far Uberwald.

… I thought they were going to Quirm?

Actually, according to the book they are going to Far Uberwald, but so far in the fic only Quirm has been mentioned.  Do I have to drag out my speech about good fanfic standing alone, again?

And what about the Night Kitchen, and the life that ‘s being left behind? There are a billion things to be done back home, countless fragments of familiar Morporkian routine she will definitely miss. Daily duties. Work at the University, friends left behind, the vivid Klatchian markets, the busy streets, even the foot-the-ball and its savant Shove.

Other than general wordiness, this bit isn’t so bad.  Except that bit at the end.  What does “savant Shove” mean??  The Shove is the crowd at a foot-the-ball match in Ankh-Morpork, with the crowd responding to and even interfering with events in the game.  Not sure what “savant” has to do with any of that.

Things she knows well and can easily handle.

Um, pies!  Wizards!  Ooh, ooh, old people!

That was the category for Family Feud, right?

Even now, in this very instant, now that she has already said yes to him, now that she is already swept off her feet by him, deep inside, Glenda feels the slightest pang of worry. So many reasons why the answer should be no. It was a good job after all, and she had almost grown fond of the wizards’ erratic habits, and their whims, and the way her workspace seemed to defy fundamental laws of physics all the time… secure, mundane quotidianity, every logical human being’s first and only perspective.

Ok, we finally have a character name!

I’m pretty sure “quotidianity” is not a word.  But it sounds like a good one, so I’ll let it slide.

A plump girl that has only known the four rather lonely walls of her quiet workspace, and the last orc alive, a much dreaded being resented by the mankind, on a journey to the savage lands of Uberwald. A fairly tale about imperfect people, living imperfect lives, making uncertain dreams- should it really be that way? Mind screams no, it shouldn’t. But the mere thought only causes her to hold on tighter.

Glenda does not know only the “four rather lonely walls” of the Night Kitchen – she helps out her neighbors and sells cosmetics to trolls.  Glenda is not exactly an “elopement” personality for most of the book, but neither is she a sheltered shut-in.  -10 for poor characterization.

Nutt is not the last orc – that’s the whole reason they’re going to Far Uberwald!  They’re going to “civilize” the orcs!!

And again, there’s a nugget of a good idea buried under all the purple prose here.  But it’s pretty deeply buried and surrounded by incorrect references to the source material.

“Is everything all right, Miss Glenda?”, the voice reaches the ears distorted, but for the speed they are sprinting at, but it still causes a smile to spread across her face.

“but for” =/= “because of”  Don’t use fancy phrases if you don’t know what they mean!

I wonder if the spreading smile is due to the wind at their speed.

“Glenda would do just fine under the current circumstances”, she mumbles mechanically, thinking how he has never ceased to be the same man that wrote that beautiful poem for her, and admitted having done so days later, out of sheer shyness. “I was just wondering.”, she added, louder this time.

Author, please learn how to combine sentence punctuation with quotation marks.  I can’t even look at this.

“Wondering ? I don’t think I understand.”

Feelings, confessions, thoughts, worries bubble within her skull. A million things to be said, and what finally comes out is just an infinitesimal portion of it all. Am I doing the right thing? Will finding the remaining orcs turn out to be a dangerous task? Is it finally a happy ending? Should I be afraid of what you are? Why did you do all this…for me?

Is she speaking these questions aloud or not?  Because if not, they should be before the (very indirect) mention of speaking …

“It’s just insane… ”

“What, Miss Glenda?”

“You and me, here, now. UsThe mission Ladyship assigned you. Everything.”

Well, that about covers it.  End of conversation, yes?

The pause that follows is far too longer than what she’d expected. Seconds fly away in reticence, and the woman’s heart gradually sinks. I said something that upset him. Something that saddened him.

Well, that’s terribly written.

And now I face the battle of two pet peeves:  calling grown women “girls” vs. inconsistency.  Glenda is called a “girl” above, which irritates me, but then calling her a “woman” here annoys me because it’s different.

… I’m getting very close to getting out the rolled-up newspaper.

Then, all of a sudden, his torso convulses beneath her arms, muscles clench ever so slightly. He skillfully leans back, and in a few moments, the horse has grinded itself to a halt. Breath chaotical, heart stopped, she tries to find his gaze while he gently helps her dismount, but it’s discouragingly impossible; he seems a lot smaller than his usual self now, eyes stubbornly pinned to the ground, somehwat hidden by a strand of his hair.

I’m pretty sure that a convulsion is not just a slight clenching.  Internal inconsistency.  Ugh.

“Grinded” isn’t a word.  Neither is “chaotical.”  And “find his gaze”?

You know, author, you started out ok, just overly flowery.  But you’re rapidly losing any grip on sense or proper English.  This is not a good sign.

For either of us.

But…it had seemed like their happy ending. Should be. Must be. Now she is incensed with herself, mad at her down-to-earth, overly rational way of thinking, cursing her obvious expertise at spoiling everything.

::peeks around doorway::

No DRD agents.  If we’re very quiet, maybe they won’t notice us.

Unhingement. Scrolling through a mental list of appropriate things to say. To no avail.

There are no complete sentences in that “paragraph” and 10% of the words longer than two letters are not real words.

I officially give up.

I’ll go rest up and come back to this next time.  Until then, Patrons, so long.

 

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99 Comments on “1430: Orc – One Shot, Part One”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    Title: Orc

    Oh, this is gonna end real well…

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    as infinite as love itself.

    So, statistically unlikely to stretch beyond a decade?

  3. AdmiralSakai says:

    the landscape sprinting past them

    The landscape is sprinting?

    It should join up with the feverish, speeding buildings from Love of a Spartan. Then they could have a race!

    • AdmiralSakai says:

      Everything seems so terribly wrong, so blatantly irrational, yet feels so paralyzingly right.

      the rythmical breath of the horse, the firm vibrations caused by the rough impact with the earth, the echo of girlish giggles,

      Also, is the POV character having sex with a horse? Because it really kind of sounds like the POV character is having sex with a horse.

  4. AdmiralSakai says:

    What does “savant Shove” mean?? The Shove is the crowd at a foot-the-ball match in Ankh-Morpork, with the crowd responding to and even interfering with events in the game. Not sure what “savant” has to do with any of that.

    The crowd is made up entirely of Rain Men?

  5. AdmiralSakai says:

    “but for” =/= “because of” Don’t use fancy phrases if you don’t know what they mean!

    I wonder if the spreading smile is due to the wind at their speed.

    If it’s not, we may need to call in the SCP Foundation again.

  6. AdmiralSakai says:

    Mind screams no, it shouldn’t.

    But prose screams Tarzan grammar!

  7. BatJamags says:

    Who is “the man”?

    JOKE A: It’s the man, man!

    JOKE B: The man with the power!

    Kane: What power?

    The power of hoodoo!

    Kane: Hoodoo?

    You do.

    Kane: Do what?

    Remind me of a man.

    Kane: What man?

    The man with the power!

    Kane:

    Kane: Damn you.

  8. BatJamags says:

    Trotting through the boundless lands of Quirm, amidst the sweet silence of a lazy summer’s eve. As the sun peacefully bleeds the sky a passionate scarlet, shadows against the dim light, people can be distinguished, roaming peacefully the picturesque streets ahead.

    PURPLE ALERT! PURPLE ALERT! ALL HANDS, MAN YOUR STATIONS!

    Kane: Green filters online!

    SUPERCILIOUS THE SORCERER! BEHOLD THE AWESOME POWER OF OUR LASER CANNONS!

    Chief McCarthy: Base is on full lockdown!

    Large Warship the Owl: Hoo!

    GoodJamags: Hot chocolate maker online!

    The hell are you still doing in my universe?

    GoodJamags: Shut up, I’m making you hot chocolate.

    • BatJamags says:

      GoodJamags: Alright, we’re in the clear!

      I need a damage report, pronto!

      SUPERCILIOUS THE SORCERER!: THE FOOLS COULD NOT ESCAPE OUR MIGHT!

      Chief McCarthy: Multiple hull breaches, damage is heavy. Typical of communist building techniques.

      Large Warship the Owl: Hoo!

      Kane: Green filters took a hit, long, deep violet tendrils of unnecessarily loquatious energy seep slowly throughout the metallic structure.

      Dammit, Kane’s been purpleized!

      GoodJamags: Applying caffeine!

  9. BatJamags says:

    the landscape sprinting past them

    The landscape is sprinting? Pretty much the only types of landscape that move quickly are rivers and avalanches, and it’s not a good idea to ride a horse in either.

    Hey, is your refrigerator running?

  10. BatJamags says:

    quotidianity

    Since that’s not a word, I’m going to have to assume that’s Whirlybat von Flubbertybubble’s cousin, Quotidianity von Snuggledywuggle.

    • BatJamags says:

      chaotical

      And there’s Chaotical von… Smith. I can’t think of any more good nonsense words, so we’ll just go with Smith.

      • BatJamags says:

        Unhingement.

        I don’t even have the energy to turn that into a silly name, so I’m just going to *PISTOL-WHIP!* the fic.

      • Addicted Reader says:

        I managed to avoid violence so far, mostly by quitting when I got close. We’ll see how I do with the second half.

    • AdmiralSakai says:

      quotidianity

      Well, next time we play D&D I know what I’m going to be naming my wizard…

  11. SC says:

    Redundant title heading is redundant but still better than a pointless disclaimer, so I’m just going to remind the DRD agents how much worse it could be.

    *DRD agents walk by with SC tied up and hefted above their heads*

    Yeah, that… that did nothing. Nothing at all.

    • Addicted Reader says:

      Heh. Better you than me!

      • *DuFresne eats Popcorn, watching*

        *Agent [GREY] appears*

        Agent [GREY]: Shouldn’t you be trying to convince them to let him go or so something?

        DuFresne: Took a lot of convincing to get them to just carry him off and experiment on him. I had to tell the cultists that it would be more fun parading him around, and back it up with totally real evidence.

  12. SC says:

    Trotting through the boundless lands of Quirm, amidst the sweet silence of a lazy summer’s eve. As the sun peacefully bleeds the sky a passionate scarlet, shadows against the dim light, people can be distinguished, roaming peacefully the picturesque streets ahead.

    Oof. Here, let me try and clean that up:

    “Walking through Quirm one quiet summer evening, the setting sun turning the sky red. There were some folk still out and about in the streets, enjoying the last light of day.”

    Ah, that already looks better.

    • Addicted Reader says:

      Well, riding. See AdmiralSakai’s comment about the horse.

      And that first part is still not actually a sentence.

      • SC says:

        What can I say, I was working with what I saw.

        I’ll shoulder the riding one, though. Didn’t realize that.

      • Addicted Reader says:

        I wasn’t blaming you. I was pointing out that under the purple, the basic grammar isn’t so good, as gets more obvious later on.

      • SC says:

        Yeah, no kidding. I was trying to translate this in my head as I went, and it just sounded wrong.

    • SC says:

      a passionate scarlet

      Thankfully, this author means passionate in the “lovely” sense, and not in the sense of my OC Scarlet family, who are passionate in the “holy fuck, I love killing things” sense.

  13. SC says:

    And to whom do I complain about the poor workmanship of this color distribution? I asked for an even coating of pastels, but instead there are globs of neons all over the place!

    Shades, wearing a painter’s apron and a hair bandana: Listen, listen, listen: there’s only so much I can do for a thirty dollar commission with the details “vibrant” and “shoddily scattered,” alright, mate?

  14. SC says:

    we have some pretty severe punishments here in the Library starting at about fifty irritation points.

    *SC pulls out a gigantic binder and sets it down on the desk, which promptly disintegrates into splinters*

    In retrospect, there may be a few in there that are just plain overkill.

  15. SC says:

    but for” =/= “because of” Don’t use fancy phrases if you don’t know what they mean!

    Unnecessary explanation! (Because one of these days, an author is going to demand to know how x doesn’t equal y.)

    “But for” – think of it like this:

    Every Scooby-Doo villain ever: “And I would have gotten away with it, if it wasn’t for those meddling kids!”

    “Because of” – Assassin’s Creed has a favorite example of mine:

    Al Mualim: “Your selfish act beneath Jerusalem placed us all in danger! Worse still, you brought the enemy to our home! Every man we lost today was lost because of you!

    Take note, authors: those two examples don’t look even remotely the same. Ergo, to repeat the initial point, x does not equal y.

  16. Swenia says:

    now that she is already swept off her feet by him, deep inside

    *Eyebrow waggle*

  17. TacoMagic says:

    Unhingement

    Better than being closificated.

  18. "Lyle" says:

    I find it very ironic that this story is written with such purple prose when that one king of Anhk-Morpork outlawed non-literal descriptions in literary works and songs. I can’t remember his name… it’s mentioned in “The Light Fantastic.”

  19. Hello, this is the author of this horrible crime against humanity. I hope you lots do realize fanfics are written by people and not by emotionless robots, right? You might think your online crusade is fun enough, you might think that typing puerile trash is ok as long as you are protected behind your screen and online anonymity, but real people have written these pieces.

    So, while I appreciate the fact that you took the time to read something I wrote randomly because, hell, I felt like it, I really don’t understand the tone of the critique. So you don’t like my style. I get it. So you do not understand the purpose. Okay. Did it make your super-literate, special-snowflake eyes burn? Really? Worst fanfiction ever written? Did I, the seemingly talentless, worthless, illiterate and utterly stupid little emotionless author of this atrocity hurt you in any way?

    Purple prose does not make me horrible. I wanted it to be that way. Disjointed sentences are my style. I like to put words where they seemingly don’t belong. This is me. If my style is not your cup of tea, it’s okay. If the piece is too mushy for you- which it is, this I accept- you can just write a constructive critique where you point out everything that you think is wrong. And instead what it is that you lots do? You mock. You make utter fun of a real, living, breathing person who happens to love writing.

    They don’t always come out right, dude. But I try my best with each one of them. I know I am not indecent. I know I am not illiterate. I know I am still very flawed. I try.

    I hope this hateful shitfest made you feel better about your pathetic little self. You sound like you need it.

    • "Lyle" says:

      Just as we hope your tiny little tirade here makes you feel better about yourself, too. Nothing creates more of indication on our part than an author that takes it badly enough to start the name calling and “your life must be pathetic and worthless” method of self defense to their work being badly received.

      We are well aware that fanfic writers are not automatons. And many of us have written much worse dreck, and had it ripped apart on this site. So please stop acting like a special snowflake yourself, shake it off, and go write if that’s what you like to do. If you’re serious about writing, you’re going to run into bad critics all the time. If you’re going to let a review of something that was fairly bad hurt your feelings and make you feel the need to be nasty back, then you’re not cut out for writing.

      Have a lovely day, don’t let the library’s door hit you on the ass on the way out.

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      Alright, let’s take this apart.

      Purple prose does not make me horrible. I wanted it to be that way.

      Oh, so you wanted to come off like a pretentious tryhard? Because reading over your prose, that’s basically what you’ve done here. All that your overly elaborate descriptions of everything does is to make things vague, and that is not what good description does. Good description helps you imagine something, while bad description gets in the way of your imagination being able to fill in the blanks. And honey, this prose is bad description.

      If you want to do purple prose, I suggest you look at the work of H.P. Lovecraft: I’ve found he’s one of the few authors who can do purple prose well, because he is always clear about what he is describing. And really, that should be the benchmark: clarity is your friend. Vagueness is not.

      Disjointed sentences are my style. I like to put words where they seemingly don’t belong.

      Then allow me to ask you this: why do you like to do that? See, people do break the rules of grammar and syntax on occasion. James Joyce does it all the time. But see, with those folks, they have reasons to do so that reflect the point of their narratives, so in those cases it works.

      But until you can tell us the reason why you like disjointed sentences, we reserve the right to criticize you over your use of utterly terrible grammar. And no, “I want to be cool and edgy” is not an acceptable answer, and I say that now because the tone of your reply to this snark indicates that you would say that.

      Did it make your super-literate, special-snowflake eyes burn? Really? Worst fanfiction ever written? Did I, the seemingly talentless, worthless, illiterate and utterly stupid little emotionless author of this atrocity hurt you in any way?

      Hold on there, little miss Passive-Aggressive. Let me ask you this: did you trivialize rape in your fic? Did you produce a main character who abuses his child and uses the Holocaust for cheap sympathy points while partaking in the kind of shit Hitler used to do? Did you vilify a character because you hate him? Did you completely mangle the canon? Did you have a shark jump? Did you win a Sucktastic Award?

      The answer to all of the above, of course, is no. Which, actually, is also the answer to your question. I’m almost wondering what would’ve happened if you had been the author of one of the above scenarios, in the rare times where we break our exaggerated snark tone and get truly outraged.

      Look, lady, you can bitch about us being horrible people all day long, but the fact remains that you are doing so while acting like a pretentious blowhard. And if there is one thing that we at the Library dislike more than angry authors who can’t take criticism, it is pretentious blowhards who think they have all the answers.

      So don’t take that tone with us. At least we’re only half-serious when we use that tone.

    • BatJamags says:

      If there’s one thing I hate, it’s an artist who can’t take criticism. This isn’t an attack on you, it’s a criticism of your work. So, I suppose I’m sorry that AR hurt your precious little feelings with her tone. But the thing is, you wrote something that she thought was bad. So she criticized it. Most of us happen to agree with her criticisms.

      So you’re not indecent. You’re not illiterate (which is more than we can say for some of the authors on here). Whether you’re flawed is of no importance to us. We think your work is flawed, so we criticized it. Period.

      And you know what? I understand having a reaction like this to criticism. If you feel like what we’ve said isn’t valid, by all means, defend your work. That’s your prerogative as a creator. But we don’t insult authors personally (unless they’re clearly total scumbags or idiots like EclipsePheniox and Dakari-King Mykan), so we’d appreciate it if you didn’t stoop so low as to insult us.

    • Angie says:

      Hello, this is the author of this horrible crime against humanity.

      Huh. This author is actually pretty on-the-nose for once in their life. Neat.

      I hope you lots do realize fanfics are written by people and not by emotionless robots, right?

      Ehh, most bad fics are written by the OCs I have in my dungeon. Aren’t you just a sweet summer child, huh?

      You might think your online crusade is fun enough, you might think that typing puerile trash is ok as long as you are protected behind your screen and online anonymity, but real people have written these pieces.

      Yeah, yeah. Why don’t you cry about it, asshole?

      And wait. We’re the ones writing puerile trash? I mean, good God. You’re just Amy Schumer saying all Asians look alike, aren’t you?

      So, while I appreciate the fact that you took the time to read something I wrote randomly because, hell, I felt like it, I really don’t understand the tone of the critique.

      Hon, don’t just write something because you feel like it. That almost confirms a shit story is about to be read. Give some sort of thought to it. You’re just digging yourself a hole now.

      So you don’t like my style. I get it.

      If your style is shit-ass fanfiction, then yeah, we don’t like your style.

      So you do not understand the purpose. Okay. Did it make your super-literate, special-snowflake eyes burn?

      *snickers* Says the person who can’t handle one bad review.

      Really? Worst fanfiction ever written? Did I, the seemingly talentless, worthless, illiterate and utterly stupid little emotionless author of this atrocity hurt you in any way?

      Survey says?

      Hell fucking yes it hurt us to read.

      That’s what I thought.

      Purple prose does not make me horrible. I wanted it to be that way. Disjointed sentences are my style. I like to put words where they seemingly don’t belong. This is me.

      *headdesk* Jesus fucking Christ, kid. I’m pretty sure Stephanie fucking Meyer would burn your transcript if you tried to write an actual book.

      If my style is not your cup of tea, it’s okay. If the piece is too mushy for you- which it is, this I accept- you can just write a constructive critique where you point out everything that you think is wrong.

      Because clearly none of us know jack shit about good literature. Whatever you say.

      Also, Jesus-fuck. If we’re not pointing out everything wrong with your shit, what are we doing?!

      And instead what it is that you lots do? You mock. You make utter fun of a real, living, breathing person who happens to love writing.

      Fuck off, mate. Seriously. Haven’t you ever hated something in your life? So much that you want to write a complete shit review? You should’ve known with the title ‘Library of the Damned’ that our point is to cover shit fanfics. Go back to fanfiction.net and cry.

      They don’t always come out right, dude. But I try my best with each one of them. I know I am not indecent. I know I am not illiterate. I know I am still very flawed. I try.

      I hope this hateful shitfest made you feel better about your pathetic little self. You sound like you need it.

      That’s nice, hon. Now will ya shut up?!

    • SC says:

      Did it make your super-literate, special-snowflake eyes burn?

      No, but my eyes are still burning, probably due in large part to Shades running around with a flamethrower.

    • GhostCat says:

      Hello, this is the author of this horrible crime against humanity.

      :waves:

      Hi, I’m Ghostie!

      I hope you lots do realize fanfics are written by people and not by emotionless robots, right?

      Of course it isn’t; if it was written by robots the grammar would likely be much more concise.

      You might think your online crusade is fun enough,

      Crusade? We’re tiny, I doubt we’d even qualify as a cult.

      you might think that typing puerile trash is ok as long as you are protected behind your screen and online anonymity, but real people have written these pieces.

      And a real person wrote this review. Now we’ve established that everyone here isn’t a robot. Probably.

      So, while I appreciate the fact that you took the time to read something I wrote randomly because, hell, I felt like it, I really don’t understand the tone of the critique.

      We use this thing called “sarcasm” quite a lot.

      So you don’t like my style. I get it. So you do not understand the purpose. Okay. Did it make your super-literate, special-snowflake eyes burn?

      No, yours wasn’t nearly that bad. Not by a wide margin.

      Really? Worst fanfiction ever written?

      Honey, have you seen our archives? I stand by that tagline.

      Did I, the seemingly talentless, worthless, illiterate and utterly stupid little emotionless author of this atrocity hurt you in any way?

      AR didn’t call you any of those things. While we often address comments to the authors of the works we riff, we limit the scope of those comments. I’ve never seen AR make a disparaging personal comment about any of the authors of any of the fics she’s riffed.

      Purple prose does not make me horrible. I wanted it to be that way. Disjointed sentences are my style. I like to put words where they seemingly don’t belong. This is me. If my style is not your cup of tea, it’s okay.

      Then why are you getting so defensive? You think our work is silly, childish, and trivial; that we are a bunch of super-literate Special Snowflakes. If you stand by your writing techniques, then what can we possibly say that would make any difference to you?

      If the piece is too mushy for you- which it is, this I accept- you can just write a constructive critique where you point out everything that you think is wrong.

      …That’s what we do. We inject humor into our riffs, but the basis is a solid critique of the work. AR even pointed out the parts that she liked!

      And instead what it is that you lots do? You mock. You make utter fun of a real, living, breathing person who happens to love writing.

      At no point does AR ever make fun of you or personally mock you – she is criticizing your writing, not you. There is a difference.

      They don’t always come out right, dude. But I try my best with each one of them. I know I am not indecent. I know I am not illiterate. I know I am still very flawed. I try.

      Good for you! And I say that with absolute sincerity and not a trace of sarcasm, which I know is hard to believe. You appear to be an articulate individual capable of expressing yourself in a way that reflects your own personal style. It could do with some improvements, but that isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

      I hope this hateful shitfest made you feel better about your pathetic little self. You sound like you need it.

      :sighs:

      If that’s the attitude you’re going to get every time someone makes a disparaging remark about your writing, then you are just setting yourself up for having a lot of anger and disappointment in your life.

    • Addicted Reader says:

      Hi Anna (I’m using your author name above because I can’t read Greek, sorry).

      As was pointed out, our general policy here in the Library is not to personally insult authors (who haven’t shown themselves to be terrible people beyond their writing) but just to focus on the fics. It can be a fine line to tread, and I’m sorry if you feel that any of the criticism was directed at you personally rather than at your work.

      That said, where do you get off insulting me personally? I don’t do this to “feel better about [my] pathetic little self,” I do it for the laughs, as stated IN THE RIFF! If you don’t find me funny, that’s fine. You’re even welcome to tell me so, just as I told you that I don’t find your writing comprehensible. But name calling is unacceptable.

      So goodbye until you can be polite.

      • Angie says:

        Anna has been grounded. Anna is in time out.

        *kicks Anna down the stairs to the dungeon*

        Jeffrey: We don’t want her!

        Well, fine. I’ll just kick her out of the library.

    • AdmiralSakai says:

      Well, this is certainly… something.

      Hello, this is the author of this horrible crime against humanity. I hope you lots do realize fanfics are written by people and not by emotionless robots, right?

      Yes, sadly the field isn’t quite there yet, but we’re making progress.

      In all seriousness, though, this is the internet. There are people out there who not only don’t want to avoid hurting your feelings, but actively seek to do so. It’s one of the hazards of communication. Here at the Library, our target isn’t you, it’s your prose. That isn’t true on the rest of the Web, and if we bother you then I pray to every concept of divinity in the universe that you never run into an actual troll.

      You might think your online crusade is fun enough,

      As a matter of fact I do.

      you might think that typing puerile trash is ok as long as you are protected behind your screen and online anonymity, but real people have written these pieces.

      If any of us believed that, we would not be on the Library.

      So, while I appreciate the fact that you took the time to read something I wrote randomly because, hell, I felt like it, I really don’t understand the tone of the critique.

      You mean… humor?

      So you don’t like my style. I get it. So you do not understand the purpose. Okay. Did it make your super-literate, special-snowflake eyes burn? Really? Worst fanfiction ever written? Did I, the seemingly talentless, worthless, illiterate and utterly stupid little emotionless author of this atrocity hurt you in any way?

      No. Again, if I found reading this sort of thing unpleasant I would not be on the site.

      The critique of your story exists to entertain our readers, sure, but it also was made to be educational- by pointing out the flaws in your story, we teach our readers how to become better writers by avoiding making those mistakes. If you actually took what we were saying seriously instead of being flamey about it. one of the writers who improved could even be you.

      Purple prose does not make me horrible. I wanted it to be that way. Disjointed sentences are my style. I like to put words where they seemingly don’t belong. This is me.

      Then your style is overblown, pompous, and most of all unclear. Could you have a style that doesn’t strictly adhere to the rules of Englush orthography but is still readable? Sure! Could purple prose enhance the description instead of obfuscating it? Most definitely! But that is not your style as it currently stands. Instead of doing something unconventional and succeeding, you are doing something unconventional and failing- so we think your writing would improve if you moved away from some of these elements.

      If my style is not your cup of tea, it’s okay. If the piece is too mushy for you- which it is, this I accept- you can just write a constructive critique where you point out everything that you think is wrong. And instead what it is that you lots do? You mock. You make utter fun of a real, living, breathing person who happens to love writing.

      For… I think this is the third time now: just because our reviews are satirical doesn’t mean that they aren’t written to be constructive.

      They don’t always come out right, dude. But I try my best with each one of them. I know I am not indecent.


      What?

      I know I am not illiterate. I know I am still very flawed. I try.

      I hope this hateful shitfest made you feel better about your pathetic little self. You sound like you need it.

      Well, I can’t speak for anyone else here, but this little exchange has certainly made my day. I just hope that you can learn something from it and approach future criticism in a more balanced manner.

    • Delta XIII says:

      Hello, this is the author of this horrible crime against humanity
      Howdy!

      I hope you lots do realize fanfics are written by people and not by emotionless robots, right?
      Yes, and your point is?

      You might think your online crusade is fun enough,
      Sweetie, there’s barely enough people here for a street gang, let alone a crusade.

      you might think that typing puerile trash is ok as long as you are protected behind your screen and online anonymity,
      Well, hello there, Pot! I’m Kettle!

      but real people have written these pieces.
      We know. The point, please?

      So, while I appreciate the fact that you took the time to read something I wrote randomly because, hell, I felt like it, I really don’t understand the tone of the critique.
      The tone is humor, like pretty much everything we post here. I would think that as a self-proclaimed “real person”, that would be obvious to you.

      So you don’t like my style. I get it. So you do not understand the purpose. Okay. Did it make your super-literate, special-snowflake eyes burn?
      “Super-literate”? I wasn’t aware that good literary skills were something to be insulted.

      Really? Worst fanfiction ever written?
      Honey, you’ve got a loooooooooong way to go to be the worst ever written.
      Not that that’s something to aspire to, mind, but even so.

      Did I, the seemingly talentless, worthless, illiterate and utterly stupid little emotionless author of this atrocity hurt you in any way?
      It often mentally hurts to read badfics such as this, yes.

      Purple prose does not make me horrible.
      No, it makes your writing horrible.

      I wanted it to be that way.
      Why?

      Disjointed sentences are my style. I like to put words where they seemingly don’t belong.
      Again, why?

      This is me. If my style is not your cup of tea, it’s okay.
      Then what’s with all the bitching and moaning?

      If the piece is too mushy for you- which it is, this I accept- you can just write a constructive critique where you point out everything that you think is wrong.
      And that is precisely what we do.

      And instead what it is that you lots do? You mock. You make utter fun of a real, living, breathing person who happens to love writing.
      If you really love writing so much, then why are you taking criticism so hard? It could be a lot worse than what we dish out.

      They don’t always come out right, dude. But I try my best with each one of them.
      This is what you consider your best? Really?

      I know I am not indecent.
      …umm… what?

      I know I am not illiterate. I know I am still very flawed. I try.
      Not hard enough, frankly.

      I hope this hateful shitfest made you feel better about your pathetic little self. You sound like you need it.
      It did, actually. Because at least I know that no matter how bad I am at writing, at least I’ll never be on your level.

  20. Angie says:

    She had always secretly wanted to travel to Quirm, on a warm summer’s day. When she does, it’s the man, and not the journey, that turns out to be the dream of a lifetime.

    Who is “she”? Who is “the man”?

    Ah, yes. God knows I love the pronoun game. I hate when authors just assume we know whatever the fuck they’re talking about.

    • GhostCat says:

      GirlWoman takes an epic journey to meet her ideal mate, GuyMan!

      The fic I’m currently working on is a nightmare in that regard – so far the cast of characters is completely male and the excessive pronoun use makes it a bitch to keep up with who is doing what and with whom.

  21. SuperFeatherYoshi says:

    Crusade? We’re tiny, I doubt we’d even qualify as a cult.

    Now there’s an idea, Cult of the Library!

    All hail the dark lord of the twin moons!


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