1428: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors – Chapter Twelve, Part Four

Title: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors
Author: Stone-Man85
Media: Movie
Topic: Princess Mononoke
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Chapter 12
Critiqued by SC, Bifocals, Bifovals, and Sir Paulo Rori

Alright, so can you at least pretend to behave yourself this week?

???: Hmm… nope!

I feel like that answer should have surprised me.

Paulo: Are you certain it was wise to have me return for this particular riff?

You know, I’m not feeling so sure, now.

*Bifocals wanders in*

Bifocals: Hello! Good morning! I am here, as requested!

???: Well, hello there, dear sister!

*Bifocals lets out an inhuman shriek and points in horror at the woman in front of her*

O hai, Bifovals!

O hai, Bifovals!

Bifocals: WHORE! TRAMP! HOMEWRECKER! SLUT!

Bifovals: Why, thank you!

Paulo: Wait, are we certain she can even be called a woman, with all those… er… devices?

I just call her a psycho bitch, personally.

Bifocals: And what the hell is all this?! When did you do this?!

Bifovals: Oh, do you like it? I have been upgrading!

Bifocals: I can see that!

Bifovals: I am amazed you can see anything through those ridiculous glasses of yours.

Bifocals: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!

Bifovals: Though, I suppose if they work for Specs…

Bifocals: No! Nein! You won’t have Specs! He is mine! We have a child! I will end you right here and now if you try, you freak!

*Bifocals summons a really scary gun, and an equally intimidating combat battlesuit automatically constructs itself around her via an innocent-looking backpack on her back*

Heavy Armor-class battlesuit, "Harbinger," S-12 Mk. VII

Heavy Armor-class battlesuit, “Harbinger,” S-12 Mk. VII

"Reckoning-3" handheld high-intensity combat laser cannon

“Reckoning-3” handheld high-intensity combat laser cannon

Bifovals: Ooh, you must be serious about me not having your little boyfriend! …Okay, then. You can keep him.

*The helmet on Bifocals’ armor dismantles and folds itself away from her confused face*

Bifocals: …Huh?

Bifovals: Well, you see, I have had my eye on that cute Contacts boy for a while now.

[WHAT?! -Contacts]

Bifocals: …Ew. You can have him.

Bifovals: Aw, you are so kind, dear sister!

Bifocals: STOP CALLING ME THAT!

*Bifocals attempts to unload her gun at Bifovals, but a psionic shield erects around the twin, deflecting shots wildly – one bouncing back and breaking Bifocals’ gun*

Bifocals: …Oh.

Bifovals: I… were you… were you hoping I would just let you have that one? I am supposed to be your nemesis, remember? There is no point if you can best me that easily.

Bifocals: Well, I was somewhat hopeful…

Paulo: …So, dare I ask what Lady Bifovals is to Lady Bifocals?

Well, for one thing, she’s ACTUALLY evil, so the evil twin tag fits, for once. In fact, she was the first one to show up. Bifocals was trying to clone herself at one point to make her workload easier, fucked up her own name by one letter, and here we are now: her worst enemy is a decidedly less polite and modest failed clone who has a crush on Contacts and enjoys mocking Bifocals’ every failure. And unlike Bifocals, who only does it on accident usually, Bifovals’ inventions are very much intended for mass destruction, so she’s actually a legit issue for the Specs and Co. Although, the bionic upgrades are new. Before, Bifovals just looked like Bifocals, if she raided Glasses’ drawers.

Paulo: I see.

*SC prepares to change topics, but the sound of a catfight mixed with robotic clashing redirects his attention to Bifocals and Bifovals, who are caught in a vicious hair-pulling war, and their respective droids Gilderoy and Byron beating the ever-loving crap out of each other*

Uh, ladies? I need to get this riff started, if you don’t mind.

Bifocals and Bifovals: Oh, okay!

*after a moment of silence to contemplate what just happened, Bifocals glares at Bifovals for copying what she said; Bifovals smirks back*

Right. So.

Welcome back to Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors, by Stone-Man85! I’m your host, SC, and last time, I made a mistake and Monocle had to go sleepy-by for the riff. Also, Alex got jumped by apes, and they fucked him up, which has made me their new fan.

This week, apart from side bickering between these two-

*SC gestures at Bifocals and Bifovals, who wave whilst glaring at each other*

– the riff promises to be another short entry, so let’s not waste anymore time getting going!

Meanwhile

At the Hall of Justice?

Elsewhere in the Forest

Oh.

Bifocals: Well it was worth a shot.

Bifovals: How many times did you end up saying that before Specs finally had sex with you?

*Bifocals squeaks indignantly and turns VERY red-faced*

Alex groaned painfully as he slowly awoke, his head feeling as though someone had thrown it into the seat of one really wild theme-park ride.

Paulo: Theme park ride?

Remember that roller coaster Specs took you on?

Paulo: Ah, so what I imagine hell to feel like, then.

Bifovals: I could show you a whole other side of hell that you might enjoy~

Bifocals: HE IS MARRIED, YOU FILTHY STRUMPET!

Bifovals: Since when has that ever stopped me?

Paulo: Permission to behead the fiend if she makes any moves towards me?

She probably has a bionic spine in order for her body to support her upgrades, bro.

Bifocals: I will give him a sword that can cut through it, trust me.

Bifovals: You mean a sword that has no logical reason to exist?

*Distant rumbling*

*Bifocals’ jaw drops in sheer rage*

I see we’re not playing nice this week…

“Crap,” he said to himself, wincing in pain, “I thought waking up after 48 hours of clinic work was bad enough.”

*Doc pokes his head in, visibly pissed*

Doc: Did I just fucking hear that right? This kid’s trying to claim that he’s pulled 48-hour stints at his old man’s clinic?

Yup.

Doc: First of all, he’s fucking seventeen. He’s not even out of high school. That means he has no licenses to be practicing medicine in any capacity outside of maybe basic first aid and administration of CPR. Second of all, he’s living in Japan. They take medical practice incredibly seriously there, and a little fuck-up like him would be locked up for malpractice so fast it would make his head spin. Third, his dad owns the clinic, and is letting his unlicensed child illegally practice medicine on his PATIENTS?! I should slap the shit out of him! And fourth, putting aside all that other shit, this kid wants to whine about pulling a two-day stint at a small-time, privately owned clinic? He wouldn’t last a day in a hospital. There were times, back when I was practicing at a major institution, that things got so crazy, we’d hit code black – you know, that code which basically translates to “everything has gone full-apeshit?” – and things wouldn’t subside until something like four, five, maybe seven hours later, but it felt like a week because we had so many fucking patients to handle all at once and no opportunity to stop and take a break. This Killian kid is so full of shit right now, and I honestly want to bust his damn face.

Paulo: Goodness. I need not ask how dedicated to your cause you are.

Doc: I’m not a perfect doctor. Nobody is. But even a small child would be better than this Killian idiot.

*Doc storms out, grumbling incoherently*

Hey Paulo, would you be willing to trade your spot next week so Doc can get in on this riff? I’m getting the feeling that he wants a shot at Alex, himself.

Paulo: Considering that you appear to have Sir Specs lined up for next week, and it seems as though the evil twin theme is persisting, I feel it may be best for my health.

Good call.

Bifocals: …Wait, but, Specs does not have a twin. He was destroyed in an alternate universe that I trapped in a bubble and atomically collapsed.

Bifovals: That we trapped in a bubble and atomically collapsed, you mean. That man was too dangerous even for me.

Yeah, well, I might have temporarily undone that from your guys’ canon.

Bifocals and Bifovals: WHAT?!

It’s cool, it’s only for the one riff.

Bifocals: Hey, whore, just this once I am allowing you to actually kill me.

Bifovals: Not if I make you kill me first!

Paulo: Judging from that response, I definitely wish to trade with Sir Doc.

He blinked his eyes a few times to clear the blurriness out of his vision.

See, that actually succeeds at making the blurriness worse for me, and I can’t put a finger on why.

When he tried to reach a hand up to his head in an attempt to sooth the pain in his temple, he suddenly realized that he couldn’t even move. He was tied from head to toe in what felt like a web of iron cables. Cables that were made out of vines.

Paulo: Ah, yes, “iron-vine-cables.” Truly a devastating weapon of warfare.

You see a trebuchet firing them at you and think, “oh, they’re just vines!” But then they wipe out a massive chunk of your ramparts and you realize, “SHIT, THEY WERE IRON-VINE-CABLES!”

Paulo: Revelm has forced many a surrender using these fiendish devices, though the Commandant would have me know that I am not technically permitted to say as such, because this may or may not be a fairy tale I am telling to extend a joke’s punchline.

Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone.

Paulo: Oh, thank you, I fear my honor could not handle such disgrace otherwise.

When a gust of wind brushed passed him,

Bifovals: Oh you know, just a short little wind storm passing through, no big deal.

Bifocals: We get those about once every other week here.

I’m getting one from evil-you’s wings right now. Could you, like, power down your thruster a little-?

Bifovals: No.

Well, that’s just plain inconsiderate.

Bifovals: Yes, and I am evil. You do the math.

But I suck at math!

he suddenly realized to his absolute horror that his prized leather jacket was no longer draped over him, or tied around his waist. Someone had touched his Jacket. His Jacket!

*GAAAAAAASP!*

NOT THE JACKET!!!

To make matters all the more bizarre, not only was the youth tied up to the point were he was completely immobile, and missing one favorite leather jacket, he was also hanging upside down from a vine that was wrapped around his ankles.

Paulo: I do not feel “bizarre” is an appropriate descriptor for this situation.

“Horrible,” maybe?

Bifovals: “Hysterical?”

I like that one, let’s go with that one.

“What the heck is this?” he said wriggling like a hooked worm, “Hey! he then shouted, “Get me down from here, you stupid apes, or I’ll kick your butts!”

11.10.15-head-tilt11

Sure, Alex. You tell ’em, champ.

Alex began to shake and struggle wildly against his binds, growling with frustration with his every failed attempt. “You hear me? I’m not joking, you know! I’m gonna get angry; you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry!”

maxresdefault (1)

When several minutes passed without a single trace of response, the young outlander huffed loudly, “Criminy! Do you have any idea how much this sucks?”

Paulo: “Criminey?” How uncharacteristically polite of him.

He seems to flip-flop between actually swearing and pretending he cares about censoring himself.

Paulo: It is almost as though he has two personalities who are eternally locked in a bitter argument with each other.

That sounds familiar.

*Bifocals and Bifovals bicker with each other in German*

“Dot you ever stop talking?” A familiar voice chided him from behind.

No, he dot not.

Paulo: In spite of our most desperate pleading.

“San?” Alex replied, twisting his body around so he could face the young wolf-girl. When he was finally facing her upside-down image, he found that she was sitting in a uncomfortably cramped looking cage of bamboo and tree branches.

Bifocals: Did this fic suddenly turn into a skit from George of the Jungle?

You were thinking that too, huh?

Bifovals: Which one? There were two live action movies and seventeen cartoon episodes, followed by a Canadian-produced series reboot in 2007.

“Any of them” is my answer.

The youth gave her a half-smile, “Hey, how’s it going?” he asked.

The young wolf-girl frowned and crossed her arms, “Do you really have to ask?” she retorted bitterly, “While you were off dozing like a little infant, I’ve been trapped in this damn cage!”

In fairness to Alex, he did get knocked the fuck out.

Paulo: That has a surprising tendency to make one rather drowsy, I find.

she lashed out with her foot and kicked the wooden bars. “Are you normally this stupid or do you have to strain yourself.”

That must be the real San coming through for the first time in this fic.

Alex shot back sarcastically, “Stop it, that really is just too much.

…That was sarcasm? Reads more like whining, to me.

What do you have to complain about? At least you don’t have be in a position where every drop of your blood is rushing to your head!” he groaned as he felt a real head rush hitting him, “Do you have any idea how much this hurts? My brain feels like a bowling ball!

Paulo: Oh, pity you. You have been incapacitated for perhaps a number of hours, yes? I knew a man who was left in such a sorry state for many days, and he all but said that had her been left any longer, his body may well have simply fallen apart on its own. As it was, he was barely alive when the reconnaissance squadron found him, what with the blood having vacated his lower body, limbs numb from inability to move, and his consciousness almost replaced by a coma.

Holy shit. Did he make it out?

Paulo: Yes, and he refused to stand or lay flat for several days afterwards. He insisted upon sitting with a noticeable slouch in whatever seat he took, and it had become so comforting to him that he fell asleep in that position. In fact, I feel like he still has that habit.

You’ve been in this riff for how many parts now, and her you always have these crazy stories that somehow perfectly relate to the situation. You had a messed up military career, man.

Paulo: I am well aware. I lived it.

And they took my Jacket too, those stinkin’ apes!

Apparently, given that it’s capitalized, Alex now operates a mecha bodysuit in a losing war against time-traveling aliens. That, or he’s a magical girl, which I find much more hysterical.

“Oh will you shut up already?” San shouted, “You’re about as irritating as a skin-rash.”

Slowly but surely, my fanboyism of San is rekindling.

“Yeah, I love you too.”

San suddenly jumped forward and stared at the upside-down human; a hint of rose red glowed on her cheeks for a moment, until she shouted, “Who the hell said that I loved you?”

Aaand now it’s dead again.

Bifocals: Sorry, we have not been paying attention, what happened?

Just my hopes of San regaining her character being dashed as she overreacts to a sarcastic statement in a very anime manner.

Bifovals: Oh, and here I thought it was something important.

“It’s just a figure of speech, San!” Alex said dejectedly, “Will you just lighten up for a few minutes? Considering the situation that we’re both in, it would sure make things a hellova lot more easier to deal with.”

Sorry, what was that word, there?

hellova

Bifovals: …-ls? Hello, ‘Vals? Do I have a new nickname, now?

I don’t even know how you pulled that one out of your ass.

Bifocals: Nobody is going to call you that.

Bifovals: You will if you hear it enough times~!

Paulo: Permission to behead her before she annoys us all to madness?

Again: Bionic. Spine.

San snuffed loudly and sat back down. “Fine,” she said, “Just don’t presume that I have, in the least way, any sort of fondness for you.”

“Fine, I’ll make note of it when I can move my arms again,”

You’re both a couple of fucking liars. This sordid romance plot is a foregone conclusion.

For several long moments of silence, the two of them remained as they were. Alex then licked his lips and began to speak again. “San,” he called out.

There was a bit of a pause before the young wolf-girl finally answered, “What is it?”

Just what the hell is going on here? Alex asked, “Last time I checked, you and Isaac went missing, and then I get decked by a talking ape.”

And I laughed far harder than I probably should have when it happened.

“I really don’t know,” San answered., “I don’t have much memory of what happened. When I woke up, the inside of this cage was the first thing I saw.”

“What about Isaac?” Alex asked, “What happened to him?” He swallowed hard, almost afraid to ask his next question, “Did they get him too?”

Who, us? Yeah, we’ve had him for ages, now.

Paulo: I hear he is quite the talkative sort.

You’d have to ask the Kids and Co. about that one.

“I don’t know,” She repeated as she rubbed a tender spot on the back of her head, moaning quietly from the sharp pain. “All I remember is that something struck my head.”

Same goes for me, too.

Oh, shut the fuck up, Narrator, you lying piece of-

Except I already know it was a talking ape, or maybe someone dressed like an ape,” Alex replied.

Oh, whoops.

Bifovals: Ha! Fooled by a fool!

You shut your ass up.

Now all we have left to answer is who, why, when and where.”

San shook her head and leaned her head against the bars of her cage. Now may I ask you a question? she said.

Alex sighed dejectedly, “Fine, be my guest.”

“When you hear yourself talk, does it actually make sense to you?”

I feel like San is actively trying to reject this fic’s influence on her character.

Bifocals: Maybe we could save her like we did with Zack?

Nah, she’s a canon character, we have to let her be.

Bifovals: I don’t!

Yes you do.

Bifovals: What, and you intend to try and stop m-?

*SC removes his glasses and hooks then on his shirt collar*

Bifovals: …Oh-

IMG_20160525_181259

Operation_Upshot-Knothole_-_Badger_001

*After the smoke clears, Bifocals blinks in shock at the destroyed pieces of Bifovals, then quietly hugs SC*

Bifocals: I am making you my new bestest friend now, okay?

There was a long pause before Alex finally answered the question. “More or less. It all kinda depends on the mood I get myself in. At least when I talk, it’s not as quiet as it would be in a horror movie.”

W

T

F

?

“I seriously doubt that being annoying contributes to personality,” but then San raised an eyebrow as she asked, “What’s a horror mooo-vie?”

Hey, Ghostie! Feel like getting super pissed today?

Paulo: I presume the answer is no-

TOO BAD!

But before San could get an answer from the outlander, she suddenly froze and sniffed at the air. A few moments passed before she spoke again, “They’re here,” she said quietly.

Bifocals: Who is here?

THEEEEEM.

Paulo: I had hoped we were well and truly beyond that joke by now.

That’s what you get for having hope.

And on that note, thanks for reading, folks, and stay tuned for next time!

… For once, I’m not sure how to sign a riff off. Uh.

…In the meantime, I’m SC, and on behalf of Bifocals, Sir Paulo Rori and what’s left of Bifovals, I’ll see you next time!

…Holy crap, she had an automatic soda dispenser loaded in where her kidneys used to be! How was she staying alive?!

Bifocals: Duck!

Paulo: Wha-?

*Bifocals tackles Paulo out of the way as Bifovals’ remains explode again*

IMG_20160525_180059

*cough!* I had to ask…

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41 Comments on “1428: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors – Chapter Twelve, Part Four”

  1. BatJamags says:

    he suddenly realized to his absolute horror that his prized leather jacket was no longer draped over him, or tied around his waist. Someone had touched his Jacket. His Jacket!

    Oh, grow up.

    I mean, sure, if someone took my leather jacket I would fuck their shit up, but it’s no reason to whine about it.

    GoodJamags: Yeah, about the jacket…

    You wouldn’t.

    GoodJamags: Well, you were wearing the trenchcoat, and I was in your universe, and I figured it was technically mine, since we’re the same person, so I kind of just started wearing it.

    [SCENE REMOVED FOR EXTREME VIOLENCE]

    GoodJamags: Now STAY DOWN!

    Oww…

    • SC says:

      *Contacts walks by*

      Halt.

      *Contacts halts*

      Who’s jacket is that?

      Contacts: Uh… Sh… Shades.

      Well, it’s been nice knowing you.

  2. BatJamags says:

    Wow, Alex isn’t even pretending not to be pathetic here, is he?

  3. BatJamags says:

    And they took my Jacket too, those stinkin’ apes!

    My god, they took The Jacket? How dare they take The Jacket?! I mean, a jacket I could understand, but The Jacket?

    • SC says:

      THEY

      WILL

      PAY

      • Njata says:

        Yeah, I was really into leather jackets in big way back then. I think it was probably due to having narrow shoulders and little to no muscle definition in my upper torso.

      • SC says:

        It’s okay, Grease taught me that having a leather jacket and slick hair will get you all the chicks, so I’m not much better.

  4. BatJamags says:

    Again: Bionic. Spine.

    To be fair to Paulo, a bionic spine doesn’t mean a sword-sized hole in the side of your throat won’t kill you.

  5. BatJamags says:

    San snuffed loudly and sat back down. “Fine,” she said, “Just don’t presume that I have, in the least way, any sort of fondness for you.”

    She… snuffed?

    Alright, everybody! Sannabe’s dead. That’s half our job done!

    • SC says:

      I thought it’d be harder than that, what with all her bragging about being such a superior being all the damn time.

  6. BatJamags says:

    Bifovals: Ha! Fooled by a fool!

    You shut your ass up.

  7. BatJamags says:

    But before San could get an answer from the outlander, she suddenly froze and sniffed at the air. A few moments passed before she spoke again, “They’re here,” she said quietly.

  8. Njata says:

    Christ… I don’t know what depresses me more. The fact that I wrote most of this tripe or the fact that someone was so fucking lazy they thought they could copy it nearly word for word and pass it off as it off as their own.

    Keep up riffing you delightful bastards and continue to show no mercy.

    • SC says:

      Well, howdy-hey, N’jata! I was hoping you’d pop in at some point!

      In fairness to you, yeah your fic had its own problems, but your work was still far more dedicated than this pseudo-anime garbage Stone-Man85 turned it into.

    • "Lyle" says:

      Hi N’jata! *hands over a thick binder* This is your orientation packet. We’ve added coupons to Lina’s coffee shop on page 35, right before the disclaimer about the west wing of the 12th floor and directions for cleaning bits of the DRD off your clothing. I hope you stick around!

      • DuFresne: Hello. I’m here on behalf of those of us within the DRD who aren’t trigger-happy assholes. Most of us sane ones are regular people who happened to join the DRD for various reasons. The trigger-happy ones are cultists whom even we try to avoid. Beware of anyone who speaks in redundancies. They’re generally evil.

      • SC says:

        the DRD has, fittingly, an inexhaustible supply of the cultists, so that’s who we usually end up dealing with.

      • TacoMagic says:

        To be fair, they also have an inexhaustible supply of normal people, but they tend to ride the desk jobs that keep them out of the respawn system.

        And then there’s Jeff. We’re really not sure what he counts as.

      • SC says:

        Living Stone’s pie buddy?

      • GhostCat says:

        Is that what we’re calling Syl now?

      • SC says:

        Syl is Jeff?

      • TacoMagic says:

        Makes a weird kind of sense if you look at it right. Jeff is a diabolical puppet-master who can brainwash just about anyone into friendly complacency.

        Syl is basically Jeff with breasts.

      • agig: I’ve never seen that happen.

        Cain: That’s because everyone, even the Redshirts, is trained in resistance to mental influence. And breasts.

      • TacoMagic says:

        Or at least Jeff has convinced them that they’re immune. Nothing is better for subversion than to convince your targets that they are unaffected by your influence.

        Actually the riffleet’s general assumptions of invulnerability would make them pretty well primed for Jeff’s brand of subversion.

  9. Njata says:

    I mean, I was 13 when I wrote this way back when, with nothing but what I picked up from watching anime and James Clavell’s Shogun as a point of reference when it came to old Japanese culture. What’s this guy’s excuse?

    • SC says:

      Well, and you actually tried to do that lovely thing called RESEARCH, that probably helped.

      Stone-Man85’s thrown a lot of excuses at me, but what I’ve come to realize is that the real excuse is that he just wants to create his own little NaruDragoball-CRY-edBleach anime, he doesn’t care if the rest of the story is good or not. In fact, as I pointed out earlier in the riff, what he’s doing is what I did YEARS ago – he’s taking all his weeabooness and slamming it together into a badfic universe, with a shitty overarching canon for everything.

      But see, the problem there was I even tried to make THAT be somewhat decent. It never got to that point, but I tried to polish it up. He’s not doing that. He’s just making a load of crap and calling it a masterpiece.

      Par for the course, really.

  10. Swenia says:

    Hey! Why don’t I have a hot little twin!? I think I got punked on that action.


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