1423: Tensei II – Chapter TwoPosted: May 23, 2016
Title: Tensei II
Author: The KittyCorn Nation (two author-conglomerate known as Monochrome Lynx and Seven Silver)
Genre: Adventure / Friendship
URL: Chapter Two
Critiqued by Lyle
Hello, lovelies! Welcome to the second chapter of the inexplicable Naruto Self-Insert fanfic, Tensei II. So far, nothing Naruto-y has happened and we’ve read through a prologue and a chapter. In the prologue, a plane exploded because blue, killing the self-inserts Alice and Enema. In the first chapter, Elephant is reborn into DA MOSTEST TWAJEK BWAKSTOWY EVA!!111!1111!!! By the end of the chapter, she has discovered that she can turn parts of herself into hard silver and she gets a pet owl named
Hedwig Kyokan, which, according to our resident Japanese learner, actually means “Large Warship,” even though our clueless author seems to think it means Compassion.
With that, we are switching to Alice’s point of view this next chapter. Let’s see if she’s as twajek as Epididymis.
ML: So. I finished (and edited) this chapter a couple of days ago, told 7S, and she won’t be reading it until you guys do. Enjoy!
… That’s it for the author’s note? No long, weird-ass transcript of the two of you arguing and someone getting maimed by Large Warship? Alice, you are currently my favorite.
I was born silent. The shock of it all was too—it was too much for a newborn’s mind, and, to an extent, my mind. It was mine, wasn’t it? I couldn’t think. Lights too bright, shadows—menacing forms of monsters—too dark, sounds half-heard and yet too loud to ignore, the blurry babble of words foreign—just so that I couldn’t place it. Nothing made sense—
Much like that paragraph. But I get the feeling that confusion was your goal so … congrats?
The air (icantbreath!) became chalk-full of a buzzing, ebbing, flowing, energetic stuff that cut the sharp lines of the room I was in. It was smoke—too thick to breath—and my body reacted. Violently.
No! No parantheticals when you’re already narrating in first person! *smacks Alice upside the head* You may be my favored author over Eat-at-Joes, but it’s a tenuous thread that keeps you there. Don’t push your luck.
If the moron that is Emptiness can figure out the <hr> tag, why can’t you, Alice? Why?
The first year was a foggy mirage of screaming and panic. I remembered little of those days; the only memories were that of a screaming panic that reared its terrifying head at what seemed to be every waking hour.
And me without my intern or my barista today. Uhm. *looks around the room briefly before pressing a button on her console* That either released the clowns, or turned the floors into pudding. Either way, that should hold them for a bit.
And when the screaming subsided, I remembered. I remembered that day on the plane, my exact thoughts before… something happened and I was reborn; I couldn’t remember my death—could only recall the pain of a migraine on steroids in my forehead… Had it been pierced somehow? The skull has a lot of nerves around it, which explains the pain, but was Elleina all right? Or had she died as well? And had she been reborn as I had?
Alice must have written the intro-blurb that read like William Shatner having a seizure.
The thought sent a wave of unease through my tiny body, and it reacted in the usual way of cries.
At this point, I’m not sure what’s worse: The constant flow of purple-hued internal thought, or the previous chapter when Exit is constantly whining over her situation.
Reborn. It was a concept I was familiar with (having read countless fan fictions about it), but had never really thought was true. If I had been reincarnated in the traditional way, why hadn’t my memories been wiped? And who really was in charge of that shit anyways? Was it God? Hades? Whomever was to blame, I really wasn’t understanding why me. In my previous life (previous. Oh, god, I died…) I was lazy and cowardly. I hated to do things I didn’t want to do, and my stubbornness had nearly been my downfall several times. I was one of the worst people to even consider to be reincarnated!
*grabs Harry and smacks Alice twice* Stop with your fucking parentheticals! Oh my god. Bring back Whiny McEyeball.
…the situation was eerily similar to the one that had gotten me a slot for the trip. Had I barely met the requirements? My cries reached a higher pitch. If that was so… could Elleina have… come… with me…?
Mother came rushing in, and I could see that her dark brunet hair (short because any stray antlers could snag anything longer) was messy with sleep.
… Wait, what? Her mother has antlers? Was she reborn a reindeer?
Damn. My late-night thinking had woken her. I’ve always tried to time it so that at least one of my (new) parents was awake when I got that deep when I thought. It all boiled down to one simple equation:
Deep Thinking + One-Year-Old Body = Crying Bay.
It wasn’t like I had enough self-awareness (mentally, anyway) to do anything about it. It was a sort of disconnectedness—one that was made even worse with this energy that I could feel pulse with each beat of my heart. Speaking of…
Mother’s energy smoothed over me—not choking, she’d long learned that if she tried to smother me, I’d choke—and a soft lullaby lulled past her lips. I calmed, my mind, my fragile, oh so distractible, baby mind, tricking me into the blissful calm…
So her caribou mother, who had to learn not to smother her fawn, is singing Alice to sleep and it works because Alice’s brain is not quite capable of maintaining more mature thought patterns as it’s still a baby’s brain.
You know, as pretentious and vague as Alice’s portion of this is, at least she’s acknowledged that her physical form would not be as developed as it was when she died. It’s still a step up from eBay’s idea that her brain was exactly as it had been when she was killed.
But this brings up a point I’d like to make: When two authors collaborate on the same project, they need to fucking communicate. We already know that Etsy didn’t read what Alice wrote until it was posted online, and it completely contradicts Epiglottis’ idea of how reincarnation with memory would affect the new body’s ability to mentally function. This was something that could have been discussed beforehand so that both authors are on the same page. As it’s been written, it gives a serious disjointedness between the halves of the tale.
My name had once been Alice Grey. Once. That was the key word here—the word that hinted at there being more than just that. Just Alice Grey. But I was no longer Alice Grey, was I? I was no longer a teenage American fan fiction writer with a dream to be a video game designer. No longer her. I am a completely different person now. No longer was I Alice Grey…
My god… she writes like Trump talks.
but Eda Koe, daughter the Eda clan, branch clan to the Nara.
Finally! We have a Naruto reference! So Alice is now Koe. From what I could tell, it essentially means “voice.” Ghostie?
Anyway, the Nara clan doesn’t have a branch called “Eda,” but it is a concept in Naruto for clans to have branch families off the main group (such as with the Hyuga). And she’s not the orphaned heir and she’s not part of the main family. So, overall, I’d say this is completely acceptable.
We herded the aggressive cousins of the the shy deer our main clan cared for in the Konohagakue no Sato Nara Forests. At the age of five, we were given a small herd to raise. One herd per child, and if you were too stupid to take care of one, too bad. Life was tough. Deal with it.
Oooh, so that’s what she meant by her mother’s hair getting caught in antlers. Too bad, I was kind of digging the image of her mother being a caribou. The Nara clan is responsible for the deer in their forest, so that’s all canon. The part I’m skeptical about is giving a whole herd of deer to a 5-year-old to watch. Maybe the sweet-tempered sika deer would be able to be watched by a child that young, but she specifically stated that her clan is in charge of the “aggressive cousins.” My zoology brain is telling me that this is implausible for many reasons.
*rolls out the chalkboard*
- The deer in the forest are not necessarily herded; they are protected and cared for. Deer themselves do not “herd” in the traditional sense except during specific seasons. The sika (the deer that the Nara clan’s deer are based on) only group in autumn and winter, and a male in rut will gather together a temporary harem until his season has passed. Otherwise, their grouping depends on the individual deer.
- Some sika, like people, prefer to be solitary, while others gather together in same-sex groups of variable size. A “herd” could be anything from 2 deer to 100 deer.
- Koe said they dealt with “aggressive cousins” of the sika, though. That could be one of three types of deer: European Red deer, Central Asian Red Deer or motherfucking American Elk.
*draws a line at the bottom of the list and starts a new one*
- The European Red Deer is one of the largest deer species in the world. They stay in same-sex herds that average 20 hind (female red deer). Each hind weighs between 260 and 370 pounds, with a lead stag of about 500 pounds during the rut. Japan is not part of their territory.
- The Asian Red Deer is very nearly the same thing as the European one, although split into four or five subspecies depending on region. Those regions? India, China, and Tibet. Where are they not? Japan.
- Aaaand Elk, found pretty much exclusively in North America. The only deer-type animal bigger than an elk is a motherfucking moose. Cow elk grow up to 530 pounds, bull elk top off around 730. And they live in herds of 20+ cows and their calves, although I have personally seen herds closer to 50 individuals.
None of the cousins of the sika live in Japan, which is where Naruto is based. So I’m not really sure which species she’s trying to say they tend. Regardless of which of these cousins she means, though, you’re looking at a fucking five-year-old tending anywhere from 5,200 to 10,600 pounds of deer. By themselves. A five-year-old.
My daughter is almost five and she still can’t put her shoes on the right fucking feet.
Today, Alice, you’ve crossed a line that’s one of my ticks. You’ve misrepresented capability of a child. Grossly. *picks up Carlos* You asked for this.
Now, I know the excuse she will have for this: We’re ninja. Ninja can do it.
Yes but no. There are, on average, only two or three prodigal level ninja children in each village per generation, if even that many. Koori’s father was one of them, having graduated the academy at the age of six. But that is incredibly rare. Unless these Eda nin are a group of mary-sue/gary-stu prodigy, they wouldn’t be able to manage a whole herd of deer at the age of five.
Now, if Alive had said that the deer were fully domesticated, like goats, then I’d maybe believe it could be done, but still not at five. Eight years old is a much more logical age to have that kind of responsibility.
Konohagakure no Sato. The Village Hidden in the Leaves. Konoha. Nara. Naruto. Naruto, the comic character that had a bullshit genin team and still managed to save the world. What. The. Hell.
*snort-giggle* Okay, that’s actually pretty amusing. He did have a bullshit genin team, although by the time they saved the world, they were the eight-man-team combination of Teams 7 and 8, and they were chunin. And Team 7 wasn’t always the same group as Sasuke went rogue, Naruto went off to train with the Pervy-Sage, Sakura became involved in her medical training with the Godaime, and Kakashi had his own shit going on.
ANYway, moving on.
WHAT THE FUCKING HELL DID I DO IN MY PREVIOUS LIFE TO BE REINCARNATED HERE! I was virtually useless! I couldn’t mold chakra outside my body without pain, I fucking choked on it whenever too much of it was in the air, and I was about the worst person to send to a war-torn world where children entered the military at fucking six! Lazy, cowardly, and clingy were not the traits a protagonist needed!
If you don’t have the traits of a protagonist, I hate to break it to you, but you’re probably a supporting character.
Also, as I said, you don’t join the ranks at 6. You might start training at the academy at that age, but unless you’re Kakashi-level good, you’re not going to be a full ninja until you’re closer to twelve. And even then you know what kind of tasks you’ll be doing as a ninja of 12? Weeding gardens. Finding lost pets. Maybe a mild escort job. They don’t give beginning level ninja the hard tasks, they give them fluff jobs until they’ve proven they can handle more.
Also, what time in the Naruto-verse is this taking place? That could very well dictate at what point you’d need to start training, if you even become a ninja. If, as you grow up, you find you can’t manipulate chakra, you’re not a ninja. You’ll be a civilian. And that isn’t a bad thing, cupcake. Civilians are what makes the town work. Ninja need to buy rice as much as the next person, and I hear the grocer is hiring.
She mentions war-torn. Is this post Pain? If it’s pre-Pain, the world is going to look pretty UN-war-torn.
…But what could I do? I was already born, already into my second year. I guess I could just off myself, but could I really throw away a second chance? And besides, that would be too much effort.
Bad Alice! You don’t make casual references to suicide!
Spoken like a true Nara (even though I was apart of a branch clan).
I’ll give you that much. Nara are notorious for being lazy and not wanting to bother doing much of anything unless they have to.
It would be awhile before I could do anything.
I’d just turned three. I loved my wintry birthday party—I’d gotten a drawling pad, a drawing, and, get this, a me-sized deer plushie! I love it! It’s as large as me and floppy! The gleeful squee that come from me most defiantly brought a smile to the faces of my clansmen. No one could go through that squee and not laugh. I’d been adorable.
Ok, that’s more age-appropriate.
On the plus side of things (other than Deer-kun, because what could top a me-sized deer plushy?), I now had almost a full grasp on my body’s actions. Sometimes this instinct would take over, and I could guess that was something that would always be there. I wasn’t used to chakra, spiritually. I guessed that my spirit having no chakra of its own could also account for my inability to mold chakra outside my body. My spirit, I hypothesized, found something nice and warm and decided to not share with anything other than me. But I could only guess. Nothing was substantial. In the meantime…
What the hell is she going on about? I got lost here. Everyone, even civilians, have chakra. It’s your life-energy. Civilians just can’t (or don’t want to) learn how to manipulate it.
I let out a giggle as I danced out of the reach of Kaa-san. She made a sound of frustrated disappointment, both of us knowing she could have caught me if she wanted to. That, or she was afraid to set off my chakra sensitivity. I blamed my greedy soul for that too. I ducked into the hallway of our home, darting into the guest room where Daiki-ojisan sat playing shoji with Tou-san. Both snorted in amusement as I searched for a hiding spot, and Daiki-ojisan, the wonderfully kind man he was, jerked a thumb to the chest at the foot of the bed. I grinned and leapt in, curling up tightly into the gap between Daiki-ojisan’s clothes and his own stuffed toy. All Eda had their own personal plushie doll. It was a useless but fun tradition we of the Nara branch clan Eda were proud to have. And relieved. Because our plushie was the one thing we could talk to after a long day of tending to aggressive deer.
I can understand having a tradition of giving a toddler a plush deer on their 3rd birthday, but I cannot imagine a 45 year old man talking to his plushie because he can’t talk to anyone else about how had a day he had at work. And, correct me if I’m wrong, Ghostie, but isn’t kaasan and tousan one word and not hyphenated?
“Koe-chan!” Kaa-san’s frustrated yell almost shook the house. “Come and finish your dinner before I take away Deer-kun!”
That was unlikely, because I hid Deer-kun in my hiding spot underneath my bed, and no one in this household knew where that was. I stayed put.
This isn’t actually bad. A 3-year-old would definitely think their hiding place was unfindable, even if it was to hide something under a blanket in the corner of the room.
Kaa-san’s footsteps stomped in the hallway, stopping at the door to the guestroom. A huff a breath, the sound of a buck before he charged, and the floor creaked as she shifted onto that one floorboard that always creaked no matter how you stepped on it.
… Deer making this grunting-coughing sort of noise when they see something they feel aggressive toward. Is her mom grunting like a stag in rut? That’s really weird.
Anyway, I’m going to skim over the next part. Her mom comes in and asks the guys if they’ve seen her. They play dumb in the most obvious “We know but we’re not telling” sort of way, her mom storms out. They tell Alice to come out and tell her to go hide in her secret spot with the deer plushie.
I giggled. I climbed from the chest and, after giving each man a short hug for helping me, ran from the room. In my room now, I reached out once again to make sure that no one was nearby to catch me before I slid under the large gap under my bed. There was a loose floorboard underneath my bed—one that soon turned to five as I hollowed out the ground beneath and grew bigger. The space itself was only a crawlspace—big enough for an adult, if they ripped up a few more floorboards. The ground and walls were covered by the sheets that I’d ‘borrowed’ from the linen closets (Kaa-san had questioned Tou-san for months), with nailed drawing keeping them in place. I crawled down, grinning. No matter what happened, there were always four things that I loved: drawing, writing (though I couldn’t here, at least not yet), scaring the living shit outta things, and hiding in hard to find places. The last two actually went hand in hand, now that I though about it.
Heaven forbid you showed us these things that you loved instead of just telling us about it. And while you get a gummybear for trying to describe your crawlspace, it needs work. I have the impression you wrenched up five floorboards in order to hollow out a space under your house, which is weird that you’d need to hollow anything out, given that Japanese houses like the ones the clans have in Naruto are built up in the traditional method. You’d basically just be under the house, not needing to dig into dirt.
I’m also confused about why she doesn’t have tatami mats in her house, and why she has a bed that’s raised and not a futon on the ground. While those who live in town have more Westernized furnishings:
… those who live in the clan houses typically have more traditional set ups. Tatami matting, futon beds, kotatsu, that sort of thing.
Deer-kun was looking lonely.
I crawled over and hugged him. “Don’t worry! Koe-chan’s here!” I said in heavily accented English. Then, of course, there was the three-year-old slur that made my words unintelligible.
Why are you speaking in English and not Japanese? Is this a bad fan-dub?
I could imagine Deer-kun’s voice. “I wasn’t too lonely! I had your wonderful drawings to keep me company!”
“But drawings are no replacement placement for living company!” I hugged him harder. “I shouldn’t have left you down here all alone!”
“But then Kaa-san would have taken me away!”
“Shh! Someone’s coming!”
Sure enough, Kaa-san’s chakra slid into my room. I stilled.
“Koe-chan?” Kaa-san’s chakra was much calmer, now. “Damn. She’s probably gone off to her secret hiding place. We really need to find where that is…” Her chakra moved off towards her room.
Does no one in that family have the ability to sense where other people are? They sound like piss-poor ninja.
“…close.” I said in Japanese.
If you were just speaking in badly pronounced English, why switch to Japanese just for that one word? Is this your attempt to show us you speak two languages? No shit. You were born with your memories of your past life: I’d imagine knowing how to speak in your own language would be part of it. That said, there’s no reason you should have any trouble pronouncing those English words other than just being young and not quite very good at talking yet. Speaking English with a Japanese accent makes no sense in this case because she would know how to make the proper sounds, much like an American kid with parents who immigrated from any other country. I know a number of people who grew up speaking both their parent’s language, and English, and they pronounce BOTH as if they are native speakers.
There was a reason that my secret hiding place remained a secret. I literally gave off no chakra. If I tried to, my skin would prick and itch at the start, and if I continued to try, it would buzz with pain. Not fun. At all. It was also tied together with my inability to mold chakra outside of my body. My hypersensitivity to chakra could be chalked down to the fact that my mind sometimes thought that nature energy and chakra signatures were tied in the same boat as smoke and tried to cough it up. Again, it wasn’t fun. But what could I do?
You could try showing us this instead of just telling us about your personal kekkei genkai.
“Yup,” was what Deer-kun said before he fell silent. I hummed, laying back on a pillow and falling into thought.
At least she didn’t fall asleep.
I was talking to Deer-kun when it happed. At first, it was a gradual kind of awareness—the slow realization of a tsunami coming as the water receded from the shore.
And then the tsunami crashed down.
I could only voice a faint, wailing cry before the intent paralyzed me. Tears gathered in my eyes as my soon-to-be demise exploded across my vision. I was falling—being eaten alive—drowning—bleeding out—tortured—
“Koe-chan!” Who? I couldn’t think, too petrified by the overwhelming waves of malicious chakra that choked my breath and foretold of my second death—the third—the seventh—
I screamed and choked when it stopped, and…
Uh, what just happened? Did a literal tsunami hit them? Or is this a metaphor for some kind of sensation she’s having. Because, uh, I hate to break it to you, cupcake, but Konoha is landlocked.
It would take a fucking HUGE tsunami to even come close to touching the town.
Later, when I woke up after a week-long coma, the date of my freak-out reached me.
Okay, so I guess she had a weird panic attack at the age of three and it wasn’t a literal tsunami?
ML: Note that the differences of scene breaks are simply my and 7S’s differences in how we write chapters. (i.e. she takes the effort to add in the line breaks and I’m just too lazy to do it). Just something I noticed. Also: Koe means ‘voice’ and Eda means ‘branch’. The Nara laziness shows.
You’re too lazy to hit the line break button in fanfiction.net? I guess at least she’s being honest about it? That’s kind of refreshing for a fanfic author to actually admit to their own laziness.
And eda can mean branch, and koe can mean voice. She might be lazy, but at least she’s not pulling non-Japanese names out of her ass like Escalator was.
Next we get the typical end-chapter convoluted and pointless author’s note. I’m going to skip it as it’s essentially a conversation between Alice and the deer plushie.
In closing for this week, I do want to say this: Alice is a better writer than Edamame. Vastly better. I feel kind of bad for her because this fic they’re writing together is going to get dragged down by the presence of Escalator’s chapters. (Just look at what a train-wreck the prologue was when they wrote it together versus how this chapter was written when Alice did it on her own). There were parts of this chapter that were questionable in quality, but I saw a lot of potential under it. I really didn’t mind this chapter as much as others I’ve read, and it was certainly a great improvement on the drivel that was chapter one’s pity-party. She thought a few things through (like the laziness of the Nara clan literally naming their branch family “branch,” which I actually found kind of amusing. I wish she’d put it into the story instead of adding it in the author’s note) and, for the most part, got her Japanese correct (from what I can tell. Ghostie would be a better judge of that, but at least she didn’t think Senpai meant “friend” right?). She has a lot of room for improvement but, all and all, I think I’m going to like Alice’s chapters a lot more than Eggplant’s. And I hope if Alice ever comes across this, she gets to this paragraph before she blows up because I’d like to tell her to keep writing. She has potential; she just needs to work on that laziness and get away from that part where she sounded like the bastard love-child of Shatner and Trump.
With that, I’ll see you all next time!