1414: Nightmare Before Christmas: Bambi style – Chapters 3, 4, 5Posted: May 13, 2016
Title: Nightmare Before Christmas: Bambi style
Topic: The Nightmare Before Christmas/Bambi
URL: Chapter 3
URL: Chapter 4
URL: Chapter 5
Critiqued by Ghostcat
Hello, Patrons! I’ve returned with the second half of this turdblossom Syl saddled me with.
Not a whole hell of a lot happened last time; Jack was born, nine years of nothing much passed, and then he went to the town square/forest to see his father the Pumpkin King where something happened that made everyone run away.
:flips through notes:
Yeah, like I said – a whole lot of nothing. Let’s see if this next bit is any better.
Jack woke up to the sound of his mother waking him up.
That’s a “no,” then.
Damn! This is one of the few times I wish Syl was here.
:alarms shut themselves off mid-beep:
Huh. She must really have made an impression on the agents.
“Come on Jack!We don’t have all day!Lets go before the storm blows in,”Jack put on his jacket and ran down stairs to meet his mother.
So Jack’s mother wakes her son up by screaming at the top of her lungs from a completely different floor of the house? If they are in a hurry, that’s probably not the best way to go about waking him up.
And why is his jacket in his room? Most people keep their outerwear near the main door, since it is typically put on before leaving the house and taken off once you enter.
“I’m ready!”Jack shouted.They left their house and started to walk to the far garden.
Which is somewhere over there. :waves vaguely at the Void:
Why are they walking to a garden if there’s a big storm on the way? I don’t typically plan outdoor activities when there’s bad weather in the forecast.
They would stop to eat for awhile and sometimes the reast of the people going would move on.
I thought they were in a big hurry, but this makes it sound like they are really taking their time getting to this garden.
Then one day snow stared falling from the sky and a blizzerd started and it was hard to walk.
“One day”? How long is this walk to the garden supposed to take? They left the house with a storm approaching, yet it’s been some unspecified number of days later before it finally decided to hit.
Jack couldn’t keep up with his mother that sometimes his mother would stop and wait for him.
Y’know, there’s a reason why people don’t usually try to walk through blizzards.
At first it looked as if they were just going out for the day, but now it sounds kind of like they are part of a mass migration – which is not something people who live in houses usually do unless they’re snowbirds.
The storm got worse that it got so cold that Jack really was freezing.
He’s a skeleton! What does it matter how cold he gets? It’s not like he’s going to get frostbite on his phalanges.
One day the snow stop falling,but the tracks that Jack and his mother were following were gone they couldn’t go on without tracks to follow.They started to head home.Jack let out a sigh once they got back home.
Well, that was a very long yet pointless little outing.
Where exactly were they going? In the film, all the holidays have their own dimensions; Halloween Town and Christmas Town inhabit their own little pocket universes. There is literally nothing else there except the themed towns.
“Winter sure is long,”Jack said.”I know,but it won’t last forever,”his mother said.
It shouldn’t last for any length of time, since Halloween Town exists in a state of perpetual late autumn.
Jack was starving.
HE’S A SKELETON!
They never had any food to eat the past two days they were travling because they ate all the food the first day they stoped to eat.
Assuming that they do need to eat, that was extremely poor planning on their part.
The next morning,Jack and his mother were out walking when Jack’s mother found some pumkins they could eat.
I thought they went back home? Didn’t they have any food in their house? That would mean they took every bit of food with them when they left and then ate all of it within the first day.
Seriously, they suck at this.
“Jack!Jack,come here!”his mother shouted.”Look!New spring pumkins,”
Pumpkins are a warm weather crop; they are planted in late spring/early summer and harvested in autumn. They have a very long growing season, between three and four months for most varieties, and most “spring” vegetables are short-season crops that grow very quickly so they can be planted as soon as the threat of frost has passed and can be harvested within a very short period of time. Pumpkins are also not very cold-hardy, meaning they can tolerate some cool weather but not sustained periods of freezing temperatures. If it gets cold enough for blizzards, then it is far too cold for pumpkins to be growing.
Jack and his mother started to eat the pumkins.
While outside in a blizzard instead of taking the improbable pumpkins back to the house where they would be more comfortable.
Actions that seem reasonable when animals do them just look really silly when performed by humans or human-analogues.
Then his mother heard something coming closer to them,then she heard a evil laughter.”Jack.Quick.The house!”his mother said and Jack and his mother took off like lighting.There were loud bangs behind them.”Faster Jack!Don’t look back!Keep running!”Jack ran as fast as he could.
Yet another reason to take the improbable pumpkins inside – to avoid whatever the hell it is that makes that loud banging sound when Oogie is nearby. I know it’s probably supposed to be a gun or something similar, but the fic offers nothing more than “loud bang” in the way of a description.
Then there was a loud bang behind him and Jack didn’t look back.”We made it!We made it mother!”Jack then saw his mother wasn’t there.
Must have fallen down in a snowbank.
“Wait!Mother!”Jack then walked outside and the snow started to fall again.
She was running towards the house and she told you to go to the house. Do you know what you should do? STAY IN THE HOUSE! Don’t just start wandering around in the snow. Then you’ll both get lost and/or exploded.
“Mother!Mother where are you!”Jack cryed.
She’s in the kitchen, making a cup of tea?
He went walking everywhere in the town.
Rather than going back to the improbable pumpkin patch where he last saw her, which would be the logical thing to do.
“Mother!”he then begined to cry.
It’s “began,” and no he did not. He’s been crying since the loud banging noise.
Then a figure was standing right in front of him.It was the Pumkin King.
Is that why there are pumpkins nearby?
Wait … If he’s the Pumpkin King and Jack eventually succeeds him in the title, does that mean Jack’s snacking on improbable pumpkins is really a form of cannibalism?
“Your mother can’t be with you anymore,”he said.Jack then started to cry again and bowed his head.”Come,my son,”Jack then started to walk right behind his father,The King,and turned around to looked once more at the town and started walking again.Jack knew his mother was gone forever.
… Okay, I get that Jack’s nameless mother died in the mysterious explosion, or whatever it was that happened, since the narration isn’t very clear, but why do they have to leave the town? Doesn’t Jack’s father live somewhere around there, too?
That made me cry when I was tpying it.
And there’s another one of those stealth Author’s Notes. :eye-twitch: Yay.
Jack lost his mother and found out the King is his father.
I think he already knew who his father was; not only had Jack seen the Pumpkin King before, but nearly everyone calls Jack either “prince” or “young prince” at some point.
The next chapter is where Jack is growen up and meets up with his friends Lock and Barril and they all get…well you will have to read it and find out.
Or go watch Bambi, since this is roughly following the same story even when it makes no sense for the characters to do so.
Poor Jack…lost his mother at a young age.Now here is the next chapter.Jack is now a growen up and so are his friends.
These are the most pointless Author’s Notes ever.
Chapter 4 Twitterpated/Fight
A chapter title; that’s new.
The mayer couldn’t belive it was spring time already.”It’s the same thing every spring.Everyone starts finding love,”
Check under the couch, that’s usually where the stuff I lose ends up.
he then saw a skellington that looked alot like Jack.
Suddenly, a skeleton!
The skellington turned around and ran over to the mayer.
AHHH! The skeletons are attacking! Quick, ignite the torches!
“Hello Mayer,Don’t you remember me?”he said.
Are there really that many living skeletons running around that it would be easy to mistake one for another?
“Why it’s the young prince.Jack!Hehe my my how much you change.
He’s a skeleton; how exactly can he change?
You know what I was just talking to the ciztens today and we wonder what has happened to you,”
No, you were talking about how everyone falls in love during the springtime.
then a man dressed just like Lock came up.”Hi Jack!Remember me?”he said.”Lock!”Jack shouted.”Right,”then aother man came,but this time he was dressed just like Barril.”Hi fellas,”he said.”Barril!”Jack said.”Yeah,”Barril said.
So there’s a guy who is dressed up like Lock, even though there’s been absolutely no description of Lock at any point, and there’s another guy who is dressed up like Barrel, even though he has thus far also been made entirely of Formless Void, and they are talking to Jack (who has only been described as a “skellington”.)
Wow. It’s like I’m right there with them.
Then two people ran by them.”What is the matter with them?”asked Barril.
Void Madness; that’s what happens when there’s a complete lack of stimulation. Drives ’em bonkers.
“Well,don’t you know…their twitterpated,”the mayer said.”Twitterpated,”said Jack,Lock,and Barril at the same time.”Ofcourse.Everyone gets twitterpated in the spring time,”the mayer then explained to Jack and his friends what can happen if you get twitterpated.”Well it isn’t going to happen to us,”said Lock then Jack led his friends away and they went for a walk.
Whatever “it” is, the narration seems to have skipped over that part. If I’m remembering right, “Twitterpated” is the term Friend Owl uses to explain why all the woodland creatures are pairing off. He has a whole little bit where he describes it, and cutting it out completely and not replacing it with anything leaves a big gap.
Around the corner they went when Barril heard a little girl laughter behind some bushs.
That’s vaguely ominous.
A girl the same age has him jumped out of the bushs.
With the right setting, this would make for a decent horror story set-up.
Is this the same little girl who was giggling? Because Barrel is supposedly a man now, and if this follows the same sequence of events as the film then he’s going to have to change his name to Humbert Humbert.
“Hello,”she said then Barril couldn’t help it,he then kissed her on the lips and then…he got twitterpated.
I’m going to assume that “twitterpated” in this instance means “arrested for assaulting a minor.”
Jack then stopped dead in his tracks and looked at Barril and the girl(her name is Anny).
No parenthetical statements in the narration!
Lock couldn’t belive it,his friend got twitterpated.Jack and Lock couldn’t do anything about it so they moved on.
You could stop him! Just because a girl says “hello” to you doesn’t mean you can kiss her for no reason. Of course, the girl might have done something to invite the kiss – but there’s nothing in the narration that even hints that this is the case.
Around the next corner,a girl named Shock was standing agenst the wall picking flowers and then she saw Lock.Jack passed her and Lock looked at her and turned right back around and looked at her.”Hello,I’m Shock,”she said.Lock just stared at her then she waved at him and he waved back.Then she came over and kissed him then…Lock got twitterpated.
She introduces herself, they exchange a wave, and then suddenly they’re kissing? I know that’s approximately how fast it happens in Bambi, but a lot of the communication between the characters is non-verbal. Stripping away that aspect and daybooking the scenes makes them feel very, very creepy.
Jack then turned around once he reached the well and saw Lock with Shock.”I can’t belive this,”Jack said.
I know; sudden romance is sudden.
Jack then knelt down next to the well and took a drink.
That’s not how a well works; it is how a pond works, which is what Bambi drinks from in the film.
Then,from out of the blue came a ragdoll girl.
AHHH! :ducks: Someone’s throwing dolls!
“Hello Jack.Don’t you remember me?”she said.Jack swallowed hard and begined to back up.”I’m Sally,”she said.
You must be really frickin’ scary if the mere sight of you makes a grown man take a step back.
Jack backed up even more till he trip over a rock and fell.Sally laughed and came closer to him.
Oh, gods; now she’s gonna eat your brains!
Jack stood back up and begined to walked backwards again then he got his tuxido jacket caught on a branch and Sally came up to him and kissed him on the cheick.
KISS OF DEATH! KISS OF DEATH!
Jack’s coat got unstuck and he took a deep breath and closed his eyes and then everything around him turned to clouds and then…he got twitterpated.
Still have no idea what that’s supposed to mean in this context.
Sally stood in one spot and blink at him.
She has ensnared you with her feminine wiles; you are now her slave. All hail Queen Sally!
Jack leaped into the sky and followed her.
Wait … They can fly?!?
Sally ran into a cloud and Jack was just about to go in it when Oogie popped out.
And Oogie can fly, too? The hell is going on right now? It makes sense in the film, because you can see what’s going on, but this daybooking is leaving out a lot of information.
Jack just stared and Oogie tryed to kick him.
Are they close enough for that to be a threatening gesture? I really can’t tell what’s going on.
Sally came around the corner.
I thought they were in the clouds; clouds don’t have corners.
“Jack,”she said watching Oogie leave.
Why is Oogie leaving? He was trying to kick Jack until Sally showed up, so does that mean Oogie is scared of Sally?
They were just about to kiss when Oogie ran in fornet of them.
Dude! No cockblocking.
Jack backed away and watched Oogie go to Sally.Oogie then begined to push her as if he wanted to lead her away from Jack.
Ummm … What’s going on? Why is he doing that? Why is Sally letting him do it? This is something else that animals do, not human-analogues.
“Jack!Jack!”Sally yelled.Jack was really mad now.He ran toward Oogie and was ready to fight.
Weird; usually men have to be drinking before they get into knock-down drag-out fights over a woman.
Oogie punched him and Jack fell to the floor.
That should be ground, not floor.
Sally ran to the safety of a rock and sat down,afraid that Jack would lose the fight.
But not afraid enough to do something proactive, like helping him. I can understand why no one would want to get between two bucks fighting over a female, but this is a fight between a skeleton and a blob of Formless Void.
Jack got back up and leaped at Oogie and punched him back and then he kicked Oogie in the back.Oogie wasn’t giving up.
:deadpan: Oooh. Ahhh.
They keeped on fighting till they came to a cliff that had water at the bottom of it.
Sudden cliff is sudden.
Jack was so close to the edge and then Jack pulled Oogie down and Oogie fell to the bottom and landed in the water.
… Bwa? I think Jack somehow pulled Oogie off the cliff and into some water, but I have no idea how that would work logistically. In the film Bambi head-butts the other buck, causing the buck to roll down a hill into a pool of water, but there’s no pushing anyone off a cliff.
“Jack!I’ll get you for this!”he shouted then Oogie walked out of the water.Jack watched at the top of the cliff as Oogie walked away.
Well, that was … something. Not sure exactly what, but it was definitely a thing.
Sally got off the rock and came up to Jack.
Thanks for nothing, wench.
She kissed Jack and Jack kissed her back.
Jack has won the battle.
That wasn’t a battle, it could barely be classified as a scuffle.
Jack and Sally walked away and headed to a flower patch deep in the graveyard.
Sounds kind of weird to me, but who am I to judge another’s kink?
I just didn’t get the time to update,stupid social studies test tomarrow!
And there’s another Author’s Note. Joy. And it’s doubly pointless, since that test the author had “tomorrow” happened several years ago.
Well heres the next chapter.Sorry it has song lyrics in it.
Jack and Sally reached the flower patch in the graveyard and was so glad to be together.
At least someone’s glad these two are together. Normally I ship these two hard (SO HARD), but these washed-out versions are just so … bleh.
Background music:Looking for romance
This is the song from Bambi that plays during a montage where Bambi and Faline are frolicking together!
AND IT’S JUST THE LYRICS!
I’m going to cut these lyrics out … :snip!: since they don’t show anything that the characters are doing. And let’s see what’s left.
Jack and Sally then walked to a gravestone and fell asleep.
So … They walk to the flower patch, presumably sing a song together since there’s no indication that they do anything other than stand motionless in the flowers, and then fall asleep on a gravestone. Removing the lyrics shortens the entire chapter down to just two sentences.
Oh, and another Author’s Note.
The next chapter is where Oogie comes back and a fire starts.REVIEW PLEASE!
Unfortunately, or fortunately, the fic was abandoned so Oogie doesn’t come back and there is no fire. So sad.