1408: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors – Chapter Twelve, Part TwoPosted: May 7, 2016
Title: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors
Topic: Princess Mononoke
URL: Chapter 12
Critiqued by SC, Contacts, Aviators and Sir Paulo Rori
Paulo: You are forcing me to sit with the criminal again? Why do you hate me, sir?
It’s fine, you’ve got backup this time. In fact, you’re sitting right next to him!
Paulo: …This isn’t the criminal in question?
???: Well, I should certainly hope not. I, unlike him, actually have a great deal of respect for the law.
Which is why Contacts hates him, naturally.
*Contacts darksteps in*
Contacts: Alright, I have arrived! And with munchies I totally didn’t steal from Syl’s stash. Somehow. It almost seemed easy, and that worries me.
???: Care to submit that to yet another impending police investigation as evidence?
*Contacts yelps and drops all the munchies, then quickly snaps open his bow and aims an arrow at the man seated in front of him, who snaps open his own bow and aims an arrow back at Contacts in retaliation*
Contacts: Why the fuck is HE here?!
Because I invited him.
Because I hate you.
Aviators: And hello to you, too, my unrepentant thieving counterpart. How much of your recently acquired wares were actually purchased legitimately this time, I wonder?
Contacts: Fuck you. And the fact that you even have to ask is really sad.
Aviators: …All of them?
Contacts: B-Because Syl kept… re-stealing all the stuff I tried to steal, yeah… but that’s not the point! I’m a fucking thief, you shouldn’t need to ask how much stuff I actually pay for!
Aviators: Okay. And was this your brilliant attempt at a comeback, by any chance?
Contacts: Yeah, I- wait. You…? What the f- OH, SCREW YOU!
Paulo: Usually, he is better about his wit than this. Are you truly such a disruption to his abilities?
Well, the thing with the Specs and Co. is that they all have an evil twin, who was born from their character flaws after they died the first time – though how evil the twin in question is depends entirely on which member of the group we’re talking about. In Contacts’ case, Aviators is his “evil” twin, despite being an upstanding member of society who frequently assists the police when there’s an opportunity. So, yeah, Aviators actually does cause that much guff for Contacts.
Contacts: If this asshole was born from my character flaw, where in my life was I a law-abiding citizen?
Aviators: Remember the orphanage?
Contacts: Oh, of fucking course it was my childhood!
Paulo: That being a good person is your character flaw truly worries me.
Alright, enough of that, you three. Let’s all settle down and get to the riff already.
*Warily, Contacts and Aviators lower their bows and sit down*
Hello, and welcome back to Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors, by Stone-Man85! I’m your host, SC, and last time, after finally leaving Irontown, Alex and San got to know each other a little better, Alex pulled the race card at the cost of the chapter’s seriousness, and Specs told a pretty enlightening story about one of his old mercenary buddies.
When we left off, San was ripping apart [insert meat type here] like some kind of psychopath. Let’s get back to that:
When San finished the last bit of her meal, she handed the stick back to Alex and wiped away a few bits and pieces of meat that she had gotten on her face. “Thank you,” she said, after swallowing her last mouthful.
“You’re quite welcome,” Alex replied. “Will that hold you over for awhile?”
“Yes, it should,” the young wolf-girl answered simply. She then tilted her head to one side and peered at the human sitting across from her, “Aren’t you going to be hungry?”
The dark-haired youth shook his head, “I’m really not that hungry,” he replied. ‘And watching you eat took away what little appetite I already had.‘
Aviators: Alright, I’m gonna need some catching up, here.
Contacts: Dumbass punk named Alex Killian gets yoinked all the way back to Japan’s feudal age, gets hit with a bullshit curse that gives him bullshit powers, and travels to Irontown to figure out why. Upon arrival, he swiftly blames Irontown for all his troubles and designates them the villains of the story, even though they weren’t the ones who cursed him and only did what they had to in order to survive, and then San attacks the town. Alex, being the idiot that he is, gets in her way and nearly gets the both of them killed, then freaks the fuck out, goes curse mode on the town, and carries San into the forest to safety, and San, for no good reason, is starting to fall for him, despite that they’ve only known each other for a collective time of two days. Presently, they’re sharing dinner like old friends.
Aviators: Oh. Oh-ho-ho. Oh, hon.
Contacts: Yeah, it’s bad. This author’s idea of a plot reeks of someone who has zero idea how reality functions. And that’s coming from a thief who says “fuck reality” on a regular basis.
A strange looking smile then crossed her face, “I just realized something.”
“You haven’t glared, scowled or threatened me once for the past five minutes. And I haven’t made a single sarcastic remark towards you,” Alex couldn’t help but laugh at such a realization, “Maybe this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship between us.”
A friendship is all it’s gonna be, now that you got genderbent.
Paulo: Just like that poor mage from my platoon – do you recall the one?
Yeah, guy accidentally turned himself into a girl, much to the hilarity of everybody who wasn’t him.
Paulo: Interestingly, Alex seems far less disturbed by this development.
Contacts: He’s been itching to get after San’s lady bits, are we really surprised that he’s cool with being a girl, now? It means he doesn’t have to try that hard.
Aviators: You would think saying stuff like that would make me lose my appetite. And it did – but now I have this weird hankering for a soda.
I keep a 24-pack in the drawer, knock yourself out.
Aviators: And that, I shall do. Not knock myself out, just have a soda.
Contacts: Damn it!
Aviators: You can’t get rid of me that easily, pal, I ain’t Alex Killian.
Oh, you heard about that, huh?
Aviators: Don’t know how he got to a phone, being tied up and all, but he tried to call the police like a thousand times. I felt like it was worth investigating.
Contacts: Wait a minute, so how fucking long have you been here, then?!
Aviators: Syl is way better at her job than you are at yours, I’ve noticed.
*Contacts attempts to strangle Aviators, but is shoved back into his seat by Paulo*
“Don’t put too much faith in that, human,” San replied, but not nearly as viciously as she had been in their past confrontations. “I still don’t trust you.”
Alex raised both hands and looked at the girl innocently, “As long as you’re not trying to slice me down the middle and rip my guts out, I’m perfectly happy.”
Paulo: What a colossal waste of energy that would be. It is far simpler, though perhaps less satisfying, to simply behead you.
Aviators: I find an explosive arrow is quite enjoyable, without sacrificing being easy, either.
Contacts: Gee, what a fucking coincidence, that’s what I think, too.
Aviators: It’s like we’re related!
Contacts: DO NOT EVEN FUCKING TRY TO CALL YOURSELF MY BROTHER, I WILL END YOU!
Aviators: Sure thing, cuz.
*Contacts tries even harder to strangle Aviators, but is tackled to the floor by Paulo and SC both*
He then stood and began walking towards the trees, “Now if you’ll kindly excuse me.”
“Where are you going?” San called out.
“Nature calls,” he answered.
San looked at Alex quizzically, and looked around until she looked right back at him, “I don’t hear anything. What do you mean ‘nature calls’?”
The young outlander gave her a blank look, “Uh, let me rephrase that,” he said, “You were raised by wolves right?”
“And being raised by wolves, I assume you know how wolves mark their territory, right?”
San’s eyebrows furrowed and she continued to look at Alex curiously, ” …yes,” she slowly said again.
“Well, let’s just say that I’m going off to find some territory to mark.”
The young wolf-girl stared at Alex, until she finally got it. She went wide eyed by that as she blushed, “Oh,” she finally said.
Ah yes, toilet humor, that’s what this fic needs! Because we all want to know about Alex needing to take a piss!
*SC slaps a buzzer*
Shit Nobody Cares About: 19
Coincidentally, this fic should be flushed down a toilet, but for the fact that it would clog up the pipes and make a horrible mess.
Aviators: And you do not want to be the one receiving a police citation for fucking up the sewage system, let me just be real clear on that.
“Yeah,” said, “So, can I trust you enough not to run off while I’m gone?
San snuffed loudly and looked at her various injuries, “Unfortunately, I can’t really do much of anything at the moment.” She then looked up and gave Alex a wry half smile that just reeked with sarcasm, “But I can’t promise that I won’t try.”
Paulo: You are not even tied down in any capacity, woman, why would your sightly inconveniencing injuries prevent you from abandoning Alex while he goes to relieve himself?
Contacts: Because they huuuuurt!
Paulo: Save for the actual wound at her side, all she came away with, mysteriously, were small cuts and bruises. She’ll live. Whining does not befit a supposed princess of angry spirits.
Alex laughed, “No, I guess you can’t,”
Yes I can,
YES I CAAAAAAAAAAN~!
Aviators: Don’t ever do that again. I will enact a citizen’s arrest on you so fast.
He lifted his gaze to the sleeping fox-squirrel, “Hey, Isaac,” he called out.
The little fox-squirrel stirred for a moment before finally awakening. When his two green eyes turned to Alex, he gave him a rather irritated look, “No, I won’t join you in a peeing contest.”
Contacts: The way he reacted indicates that Alex has requested this of him frequently. That worries me, it really does.
Aviators: It could also be that he was only half-asleep when Alex brought up needing to take a piss.
Contacts: I like my version better. I really shouldn’t, but you tried to offer an alternative that made more sense, so fuck you, I like mine better.
Aviators: And Specs is the dumb one?
“Do me a favor and watch Jungle-Jane over there, would you?”
Paulo: …Is that some slanderous way of referring to a woman who lives in the wilderness?
Paulo: I should cut off his ears for that offense! My grandmother was a woman of nature before she and my grandfather were married! The nerve of that filthy, ill-tempered little rodent!
Uh oh, Alex went and hit a Berserk Button of Paulo’s.
Contacts: Even when he’s pissed, the guy is an eloquent speaker.
Aviators: Well, when you’re raised on the teachings…
When the young outlander saw the contempt in his furry companion’s face, he sighed and tilted his head to one side, “If you do I’ll make you a whole bunch of those char-broiled moles you love so much.”
Contacts: Ew, what?
I’m the guy who’s willing to try weird new stuff in my family when it comes to food, and I honestly want nothing to do with that.
The fox’-squirrels expression remained unchanged, “And I’ll scratch that spot behind your ear just the way you like it.”
*Drake pokes his head in curiously*
Nope, sorry buddy, wrong fox.
*Drake retreats glumly from the room*
Aviators: Well, now someone’s gotta give the poor guy a consolation ear scratch.
No worries, Iris is good to him in that regard.
Isaac thought about the offers, then yipped in agreement, “You can count on me, Future Boy.” and gave Alex a little salute with his right front paw.
“You drive a hard bargain, Isaac,” said Alex, as he reached over and picked up his jacket, “And I expect you to hold up on your end of that bargain,”
Contacts: Pfft! Oh, please. A hard bargain would be trying to negotiate the selling price of job spoils to my fences. Or the plea deals the cops offer me for selling out my thieving buddies. That was child’s play by comparison.
Aviators: Annoyingly, you insist on not taking any of those plea deals. The things the prosecutors have said about you when they leave the interrogation room would turn a salty old sailor’s cheeks red.
Contacts: I ain’t no snitch, boy. My thieving buddies have been good to me, I’m not going turncoat on them.
Paulo: And they say there is no loyalty amongst thieves…
As he carried the heavy piece of clothing, he turned around and made his way towards the trees once more.
“Wait!” San shouted.
“What?” Alex snapped spinning around to meet San’s questioning stare, “I’m gonna burst open any minute here! I really gotta go, or I’ll bust my kidneys.”
“You talked to this Fox-Squirrel as though you were talking to another human.” She glanced at Isaac, then back at Nathan, “How?”
*SC slaps a buzzer*
Hi, Nathan!: 18
The dark-haired youth smiled warmly, “I told you, me and the fuzzball are companions. We kind of have a Timmy and Lassy, Turner and Hooch sorta’ thing going on.
Because San’s totally gonna fucking get that, okay.
Plus, he says he’s a spirit, so I’m inclining to believe he’s not an ordinary Fox-Squirrel.”
Aviators: Implying that fox-squirrels are normal in the first place.
Well, in Miyazaki works, they’re just part of the natural fauna.
Aviators: And you can name exactly how many Miyazaki works that are normal? i.e., they don’t have any fantastical or weird shit going on?
…None, actually. None whatsoever.
“I’d say we’re more of a Monkey and Dog thing,” Isaac retorted, but went completely ignored by the two.
Contacts: Monkey and dog? Did he just try and make a derogatory statement about the relationship between humans and canines?
I think he did.
Paulo: And it managed to fly over all but the thief’s head. Not a good sign.
Contacts: Yeah, I only caught that because I tend to be the guy who solves obtuse puzzles while hunting for treasure.
Aviators: One of the few talents of his that don’t involve breaking the law.
Contacts: You know, you say that…
Aviators: Oh, for fuck’s sake, man.
“But how? No other humans I’ve encountered have been able to do that.”
And exactly how many of those other humans did you abstain from murdering to see whether or not they possessed that ability?
There’s your problem, right there.
Alex rolled his eyes and sighed dejectedly. “Don’t take this personally, San,” he said, “But for someone who was supposedly raised in the forest by a pack of wolves, you sure ask a lot of questions.”
…Because being raised by wolves I guess means that you shouldn’t have a lot of questions to ask? Uh, okay, sure, Alex. You totally didn’t lose me with that line of thinking, no sir.
San couldn’t help but feel embarrassed when Alex said that, and she looked down at the ground in an attempt to hide the blush of her cheeks.
Paulo: Why? His remark made no sense.
“But if you really want to know,” Alex continued, putting his jacket on as he was about to go into the bushes, “It’s probably because I’m really the only other human besides yourself who’s actually tried,”
Contacts: Other acceptable answers include, “only human San’s seen try,” and “only human San let live long enough to try.”
he just smirked, seeing the confused look on her face, “Now if you’ll excuse me once again.” For the third time, the youth turned around and began walking towards the trees.
“But I’m not a human!” San shouted, “I’m a Wolf!”
“At the moment, I really don’t care,” Alex retorted halfheartedly, not turning around this time, “Heck, you can say you’re a cheese-sandwich for all I care.”
Here’s a bad sign that I riff too much with Specs-
Contacts: You were expecting him to suddenly pipe up and derail the topic into sandwiches too, huh?
Aviators: I think we all were, really.
When his last words were spoken, he disappeared into the shadows.
Contacts and Aviators: Uh oh.
*Crossbow bolts appear seemingly from nowhere and strike both Contacts and Aviators dead; they both respawn shortly after*
Contacts: I didn’t fucking tell Killian how to darkstep, damn it! You guys need to stop being so fucking paranoid! Believe it or not, I actually learned my lesson the first time!
Aviators: I don’t even use my powers unless I’m dealing with my thief counterpart, I’m not sure why I needed to be killed, there.
Paulo: I sense that it would be within my best interests not to ask.
You sense correctly.
San watched Alex leave with a look of utter dismay. Most humans she encountered would be trembling in horror if she had been this close to them.
*Cas runs screaming into the riffing chamber and slaps the computer monitor off the desk*
You pick my fucking monitor back up right now, asshole.
Cas: Sorry, sorry about that, sorry…
Contacts: What did you think you were accomplishing, might I just ask?
Cas: A lot more than I actually did.
But this human… the human simply known as Alex, just didn’t seem afraid of her at all. It was almost as f he saw her as a human, and didn’t fear her at all. That really annoyed her.
*Cas turns back around and slaps SC’s monitor off the desk again*
Aviators: You know vandalism is a crime, right kid?
Cas: I’m the son of two detectives and am part of a superhero team, yes I know vandalism is a bloody crime.
With a loud yawn she brushed the thoughts away and slowly moved closer to the warm fire. ‘It doesn’t really matter,‘ she thought to herself. ‘When morning finally comes, I’ll just slip away and leave him behind like a bad memory.‘
The plot thinks your ideas are funny.
When she sat down on her crossed legs she looked over at Alex’s so-called ‘companion’ who was watching her every movement. “I don’t know why you stay with him,” she said.
Isaac just continued to watch the young wolf-girl. A clever looking grin on his face, and didn’t say a word.
…Because he didn’t stay with him, we yoinked him out of the fic for his own good. That’s the secret.
Contacts: You think Stone-Man85’s gonna be mad that we essentially stole one of his characters?
What the fuck do I care if he gets mad? All he’s done is steal N’jata’s stuff word-for-word, and he’s done next to nothing to repurpose it into something that could be called his own writing, but inspired by another. I took one minor character and reconstructed him into something of my own design. Let him get mad, he’ll choke on his own hypocrisy.
“But I suppose you have your reasons.” Sighing, San lowered herself onto the pile of leaves and tucked her arms and legs into the folds of her cloak of white fur. As she rested her head against her cupped hands she closed her eyes and tried to sleep. “Stupid human,” she whispered.
And that’ll wrap up this week! Thanks for reading, folks, and stay tuned for next time! I might not make next weekend, because I was serious about riffing large chunks so as to not end up doing almost double-digit chapter parts, but rest assured, there shall be a riff. And yes, that was a threat. In the meantime, I’m SC, and on behalf of Contacts, Aviators and Sir Paulo Rori-
*Contacts and Aviators begin killing each other before SC is finished, and tumble out into the hall in a ball of punches and attempted strangulation*
– two of whom have already left the room, I’ll see you next time!
*Shades pokes her head in*
Shades: Oi, mate, any reason why Cas decided to start screaming like a banshee and ditch Lordic, Grey and I like his arse was on fire during our family lunch out?
I don’t know what or why, but something really has your son all slap-happy towards my computer screen.
Paulo: It is rather concerning, really.
Shades: Oh. That’s all? And here, I thought there was some kind of emergency.