1401: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors – Chapter Twelve, Part One

Title: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors
Author: Stone-Man85
Media: Movie
Topic: Princess Mononoke
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Chapter Twelve
Critiqued by SC, Specs and Sir Paulo Rori

Specs: Oh, hey! That…. uh… that guy’s back!

Paulo: …I was only absent for one chapter, Sir Specs.

So thanks for bitching out through pretty much all of last chapter, Paulo.

Paulo: My apologies, but I do not regret my decision, seeing now what all I missed.

Actually, that’s pretty fair, chapter eleven was such shit.

And on that note, hello, and welcome back to Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors, by Stone-Man85! I’m your host, SC, and last time, Alex didn’t get shot (which crushed all my hopes and dreams), then took San and left Irontown.

This week, we finally get to chapter twelve – you guys ready for this brilliant title?

Paulo: I can almost feel the headache.

It’s called, “Words of Hate and Acts of Love; An Unlikely Friendship.”

Paulo: Oww, gods, why?!

At least you knew it was gonna hurt. Take some Advil and shape up.

Paulo: What is this Advil you speak of, and how does it help headaches?

Oh, right, I keep forgetting you’re not from this time period…

*SC tosses a bottle of Advil for migraines at Paulo*

Take two, swallow whole, preferably with water. Should work in about twenty or so minutes, give or take. Works better if you don’t keep tabs on the time or the pain.

Paulo: That will be problematic for me, then.

Your problem, not mine.

So, what to open our fresh new chapter with? Why, a disclaimer, of course!

Disclaimer: Just a quick note, Someisa is the creation of N’jara. But this is sort of a reinvention of him, so don’t take any offense about it, please.

Translation: “I stole something else N’jata and twisted it into my own disgusting monstrosity, because I’m a legit good author, guys.”

And this is also our cue to start groaning, because at some point in this chapter, another Mary Sue is going to enter the fray. Guarantee it.

Specs: He’s still gonna find a way to make it as boring or annoying as possible, isn’t he?

Oh, undoubtedly. It’s this fic, and I believe Taco compared it to the sheer boredom that was The Eighth Spirit, if I’m not mistaken, which is a very apt comparison.

Far from Iron Town

Deep within The Forest

For being wiped out after being in curse mode, Alex sure does have some reserve strength in him if he managed to cross the lake AND wander into the forest for [mumble mutter] amount of time.

Also, that’s a redundancy.

*I almost wonder if you don’t enjoy making yourself suffer.*

Paulo: I just returned, do I already have to eviscerate some poor agents?

Nah. You missed out on Shades being turned into a baby, now we’ve set the thing responsible on an automated sentry protocol so it shoots the adult out of anything that approaches in a threatening manner.

*Sound of lasers and confused babies in the hall*

Paulo: Hmm. I might have brought my daughter with me if I had known about that – then she’d have playmates to keep her company until we were done for the week. Cassia has me assigned to the children this week.

Oh, you could’ve let Glasses babysit her, turns out she fawns over cute things.

The moment San regained consciousness, her entire body cried out in pain.

Specs: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

*Paulo rubs his ears painfully*

Every inch of her skin felt like one, huge bruise and the muscles in her limbs and chest ached like nothing she had ever experienced before. She fought the urge to scream.

Specs: But I wo-!

*SC shoves the barrel of Sir Shoot-Gun in Specs’ mouth*

Yes you will.

“Am I…” she whispered painfully, “Am I dead?”

I wish.

“Not on my watch,” came a soft voice from somewhere to the wolf-girl’s left. She cringed slightly when she felt a damp cloth being placed on her burning forehead, “It’s alright,” the voice came again, “It’s over now, you’re going to be okay.”

Thanks for crushing my hopes again, Killian. You only succeed at making me hate you worse.

Paulo: Receiving medical aid from Alex? The same Alex who makes a mockery of medical practices? Surely, a fate worse than death.

Frankly, I’m amazed Sannabe is still alive.

San’s mind churned and stirred in her throbbing head like water.

Specs: I always thought brains wiggled like jelly.

Paulo: In my experience, they always exploded out of the skull in a hailstorm of blood, viscera and bone shards.

I think Specs meant brains that weren’t forcefully extracted by an axe during a skirmish, Paulo.

Paulo: That is the only experience I have regarding this matter, sadly.

There was a sound of crackling fire not too far away, as well as the aroma of something cooking.

Wait wait wait – Alex finally learned how to light a fire?!

Specs: Okay, how many days has Sannabe been unconscious?

Paulo: Surely long enough to induce an amnesiac episode from sheer starvation of warmth and sustenance.

When the smell of food touched her nose her stomached growled with hunger. She lifted her head a few inches from off the pile of soft leaves and dirt she had been laying in and slowly opened her eyes.

I see we still suck at basic survival skills. Alex gave Sannabe a pillow of leaves, and nothing else, to lie on while he futzed around with the fire and cooking the food. I can’t claim to know how much dew gathers on the local fauna in a forest at night, but I’m still kind of amazed she doesn’t have hypothermia.

Specs: “I was taught survival skills by my Army-Marine uncle Levy-Jaye!”

Ah, I’d almost forgotten about that.

For any of you new readers (of which there’s like… what, two?) who don’t get the joke, Stone-Man85 is so full of himself that he made a wiki for his fic, ostensibly before he started actually writing it, because a lot of the fic’s information is directly contradicted by the wiki, including the part where Alex has a Green Beret uncle living in Colorado named Jaye on the wiki, but a Marine uncle living in named Levy in this fic. The only detail that stayed consistent

As soon as her eyes were open, a painful glare blazed into them, forcing them shut once again.

*Glare* “NOBODY SAID YOU HAD PERMISSION TO OPEN YOUR EYES, BITCH!”

Paulo: How terribly rude.

Just take it easy,” the voice came again. So familiar, and yet so alien all at once,

Specs: Technically, one definition of alien is someone in a place where they don’t belong, so Sannabe’s not wrong here.

More specifically, foreign people in a country not of their origin, though I would think it still applies if it’s a TIME not of their origin as well.

“You got banged around pretty badly back there.”

“Back there…’ San’s mind tried to concentrate through the haziness as she forced her memory to function.

But no matter how hard she pushed, all she could remember were a few fragments of what had happened before she had blacked out. Breaking into the human’s Iron-Town…jumping from one roof top to another…fighting the Eboshi woman…being nearly beaten to death…and something else…something she just couldn’t focus on enough to understand.

Wow, for only remembering bits and pieces, she has a pretty comprehensive recollection of all of last chapter.

Specs: You’d think, for being oh-so-savagely beaten like she was, that her memory would be far more spotty than that. Back when I was a mercenary, I remember getting my ass kicked so badly at one point that I couldn’t even tell my Captain my own name when she asked. Thank God my nickname stuck and I had “Specs” to fall back on, because that’s one part of my memory that never came back to me. That, and who the fucker was that beat the shit out of me in the first place. I know he got killed for it, because I saw his body afterwards, and I’m pretty sure I dealt the killing blow, because my sword had blood on it, but I don’t even know what led up to that point because everything is just hazy from there. And you know me, I have a photographic memory of just about every battle I’ve ever taken part in.

Oh, so THAT’S why your real name got lost to history.

Specs: Basically, yeah. It’s not that I never had a real name, I just can’t ever hope to tell anybody what it was.

Paulo: A man from my platoon had a similar incident happen to him. He took a bludgeon upside his helm, hard enough to dislodge it and send it flying, and naturally it left him badly stunned. His attacker hit him twenty more times about the skull before the battle cleared up enough to finally notice his predicament, and by then, whatever man he used to be was well and truly dead. I believe he still behaves in a childlike manner to this day, even in spite of efforts to rehabilitate his mind.

Yeah, so Specs and your platoon buddy came out arguably worse for wear from their respective incidents, and yet Sannabe gets an entire town kicking the crap out of her, barely sustains any noticeable injury beyond a few bruises and cuts and has near-perfect recall of everything that transpired when she comes to later? Consider me skeptical.

In fact, most of her memories of the events that had occurred back at the human compound all seemed like a giant blur.

No, evidently, they don’t. A blur, you can’t pin details to. Hence, BLUR.

It made her already soar head hurt even more just thinking about it.

Specs: Ah shit. Grab the butterfly nets, her head’s flying away.

We have a damn net gun, does nobody remember how it works?

The young wolf-girl frowned irritably, ‘Stop acting so weak!‘ she shouted in her mind, ‘Remember, you’re a wolf, not some weakling hum…an..…

*Cas kicks the door in, rushes to the desk and slaps the computer monitor*

…You feel like you accomplished what you came for, chief?

Cas: No, I just feel empty inside.

*Cas sighs awkwardly and shuffles out of the riffing chamber*

Specs: What was all that about?

I dunno.

It was then that San realized that the voice had belonged to a human. She… was with a human!

That’s debatable.

Forcing the agony in her body aside, she pushed herself onto her elbows and opened her eyes once again. She felt her blood chill when she saw the two blue eyes staring right back at her.

“You!” she growled.

Ha-ha! Yes, Batman, it was ME, THE RIDDLER!

…Oh, no? My bad, folks.

Paulo: At the expense of offending Lady Ghost of Cat-

We call her Ghostie.

Paulo: Er, yes, at the expense of offending Ghostie… what sort of name is “Riddler?”

Well, when your name is a play on the word “Enigma,” what else could you pick for your villainous guise?

Specs: That, and true to Ed’s name, he really likes riddles. In fact, it’s a recurring MO of his that frequently does his evil schemes in. For how smart the guy is, he ain’t too bright.

That’s why Joker is Batman’s archnemesis and not Riddler.

Paulo: Right, and what sort of name is “Joker?” Is the man a jester by trade?

Uh… k… kind of?

Sitting just a few feet way, leaning against a large root of a giant tree, was the human she had encountered back at the river. The same human she had almost killed during her assault on the Iron-Town… the same human who had interfered with her attack, ruining everything.

Because her own poorly-plotted scheme wouldn’t have collapsed in on itself at any point, sure. That said, though, Alex did fuck up. Because like hell I’m gonna pass up a chance to rub how bad a character he is in Stone-Man85’s face.

Unable to fight her instincts and compulsive nature, San tried to jump out of the bed of leaves. Sharp pain shot through her leg causing her to stumble onto her back. She then kicked and pushed at the ground furiously in a frantic attempt to put as much distance between her and the human as possible. She scrambled along the ground until she was pressed against the trunk of a tree.

I don’t blame you, lady, I’d want to get the hell away from Killian too. His Dumb might rub off on me otherwise.

Specs: Have you ever noticed that the little clicky-thing in a pen slowly spins around in a bouncy circle?

*Specs clicks a see-through pen over and over again, thoroughly fascinated by the extension and retraction mechanism for the point*

…Mind you, he’d have some competition on that end.

It was then that she noticed her side for a moment; a small patch was bound to her side from under her clothing.

Huh?

Paulo: I presume he means that she needed bandaging, and after the process was done, her clothes were replaced over the top of them.

Yeah, the implication that Alex took her shirt off while she was unconscious does nothing but make the image in my head worse, Paulo.

Paulo: You are certainly not wrong. I feel sickened from merely thinking of it.

“What… ?” she looked confused by this, and then snarled at the human, “What did you do to me?”

Shockingly, for once, he did passable first aid. Don’t get used to it.

“I treated and bandaged the wound on your side. It shouldn’t leave any scarring; the cut wasn’t as serious as I thought, but left untreated, it would have been infected,” Alex explained as he turned to her direction, “I’m glad that you can still move,” the dark-haired human said smiling, “For a moment, I wasn’t sure if you were going to make it or not.” He turned towards the burning fire and slowly rotated what looked like a small rodent on a skewer, “You’re very lucky to be alive.”

Specs: Lucky to be alive, with Alex? I’m sorry, that’s a pure lie. She’s in hell right now.

San could only glare at him. All her rage and hatred towards humans seemed to increase and converge the longer she looked at the young human in front of her.

We get it already, she hates humans. You’ve only said it every single time she’s been in a chapter.

*SC slaps a buzzer*

Shit Nobody Cares About: 18

“Where are we?” she shouted, “What did you do to me!?”

Specs: Didn’t we cover this already?

I could have sworn we di- shit.

*Funny, I remember that, too!*

Paulo: Your alarm seems to be growing more and more snide with each incident of redundancy.

You picked up on that too, huh?

*DRD agents kick the door in*

Hey, Syl! I think that one’s into kinky stuff!

*SC points at nobody in particular, but rather in the general direction of the DRD squad, who all flee in terror*

Paulo: That was needlessly cruel.

Meh, I don’t even know that she heard me anyhow. They’ll probably be fine.

Alex shook his head raised his arm slowly. “Just calm down,” he said. I just got finished patching you up after that insane suicide stunt you pulled, and to be quite honest, I really don’t feel like doing it again.

Neither do I, that chapter was an absolute fucker to get through the first time.

He then crossed his arms across his chest,

Specs: As opposed to under his knees, right?

Over his eyes.

Paulo: About his posterior?

Well, pretty much all he’s done that’s been of any value is playing grab-ass, so…

“And to answer your first question, I have absolutely no idea where the hell we are.

Here’s my question: why would you ever ask Alex about your location, when it’s your turf, and we’ve long since confirmed that he’s a fucking imbecile?

“Why did you bring me here? What do you want with me?”

You know, usually the interrogations are carried out by the captors, not the captured.

Specs: Not quite as rapid-fire, either. You want the interrogated to actually be able to ANSWER some of those questions.

The human shrugged, “Man, you’re just chocked-full of questions, aren’t you?” he said,

Meanwhile, the audience is simply chock-full of sleepiness because nothing interesting is happening.

“But if your curious little mind just has to know, I brought you here so I could help you stay alive. You took a pretty nasty beating after all, you now.”

Yes, and just look at all those injuries!

Paulo: She has a cut on her side… a few minor bruises and cuts about her face… and that appears to be it, I believe.

ALL THOSE INJURIES.

San’s expression just seemed to darken even more, “I don’t need your help, human!” she retorted, “You shouldn’t have gotten involved; it had nothing to do with you!”

Did Sannabe say this, or the audience?

“True. But then again, if I had just stood by and let those maniacs kill you…”

Paulo: Those maniacs being citizens who are thoroughly fed up with living in fear, and therefore feel the need to take matters into their own hands, yes?

Yup.

Specs: We called those kinds of people friends, back in my mercenary days.

he shook his head as he simply stated, “Well, I just couldn’t let them kill you. Pure and simple. Plus, a doctor/nurse helps everyone, good or evil, human or beast.”

Specs: Tell that to the medic in my old group. That guy would assist the innocent and his own squadmates, as was his duty, but if it was an injured enemy, he’d actually make their injuries worse out of spite. And if he really got pissed off, he’d go and poison them, then let them rot until either the Captain or Fulk told him off.

Paulo: After hearing you speak so fondly of your former mercenary allies, it is rather shocking to hear such wickedness about any of them.

Specs: We were mercenaries. I’d like to say otherwise, but unsavory actions kinda come with the job. Hell, I’ve done things I’m not proud of.

…Who’s Fulk?

Specs: Oh, he was the Captain’s lieutenant before I started climbing the ranks. Nice guy, if a bit uptight. He ended up retiring into obscurity when I was made tactician because he’d been doing mercenary work for… about ten years by that point, if I’m not mistaken. That, and he kind of threw off knighthood to take up the mercenary life, and you know how well that tends to run over with the king and the church, especially during a time of crusade. Laying low was about the only way to be sure that he wouldn’t be hunted down and executed for desertion.

Sounds like he had things a bit rough.

Specs: If he did, he sure didn’t indicate it. When he wasn’t working, he was actually a pretty chill guy. We even got letters from him after he retired for a while, talking about how he’d found himself a wife somewhere around Masyaf, and that they had finally settled down in a little village called al-Shiha. Ironically enough, Fulk’s kid hunted us down later and joined up, and he said his dad was really happy now that he had time to himself.

Huh. You’d think a guy being hunted for treasonous acts would be a bit more paranoid.

Specs: He was one of who knows how many deserters, worked for a small-time mercenary group, and he chose to live near a place renowned in history for being home to a group of warriors who were so damn good at what they did that Ubisoft made a game series about them. I feel like his homeland was just content to write him off as a dead man by that point.

Well shit, when you put it that way…

*Paulo coughs*

Paulo: Gentlemen, as enthralling as this glimpse into Sir Specs’ past life has been, I feel that we have gone off-topic long enough.

Oh shit, we’re still riffing. Uh, BACK TO THE RIFF, YAAAY!

“Oh I see, now,” San said with a scrutinizing tone, as she continued to glare at him, “You went through all that trouble to help me, simply so you could avoid years of self-loathing.”

And also to maybe get in your pants.

Specs: Did it work?

Paulo: Presumably not.

She sniffed at the air, continuing her glare, “You human’s are so predictable at times it makes me sick just thinking about it.”

Hey, she’s not entirely wrong. Watch, in the next sentence, I predict Alex is gonna make a smart-ass remark.

“In that case, I suppose I shouldn’t expect a ‘thank you’ anytime soon, should I?” Alex said, as he scooted closer to San with a bowl of steaming water and a tattered piece of cloth.

See? Called it.

Specs: It probably helps that you were able to see that sentence right under the previous o-

SHHHHH!!!

“Oh, is that all you wanted, human?” San replied coldly, “For a moment, I was sure you were going to ask me to get on my hands and knees and position myself before you.”

*snerk*

Specs: Actually, yeah, that’s exactly what he wants!

Paulo: If you could ever so kindly?

The statement made the human freeze,

*Alex* “Shit, she figured me out!”

and he stared at San with a look of shock and disgust, “Please tell me you’re joking, right?” he asked, “I know you didn’t just say what I thought you said, because if you did… ” he shuddered, ” …you’ve got a really sick mind.”

Oh please, just try to tell me that she’s wrong. I’m more willing to believe that Eboshi opened a daycare.

Paulo: That was almost more offensive based on how wrong it would be for her character.

San saw the youth’s reddening cheeks, and could immediately tell that her comment had made him very agitated. To this she couldn’t help but smirk, “I’m actually surprised,” she said leaning forward and resting her cheek against her knuckle. “From what I’ve heard, mating is the one thing that most humans males ever think about.

Not me. Right now, I’ve actually got the opening theme for Death Parade going in my head, because I need to think about something that actually catches my interest in order to be able to riff this boring garbage.

Super misleading intro to an anime that’s actually really, really depressing, but my God, if that’s not the catchiest shit I’ve ever heard…

Why should I believe that you’re any different?”

“Well, for starters…” the human replied, “I’m not like most human males.”

Which is to say, he’s worse than Sannabe’s critically low standards of men.

By the way, minor nitpick from me: I really hate how people have started referring to men and women as “males and females.” It’s not incorrect by any stretch, but it feels kind of like we’re animalizing people whenever I hear it.

The young wolf-girl shook her head. “I doubt that.” she then noticed the wound on her arm, and without a second thought, she slowly began to lick at the wound.

Specs: Yeah, there’s not a shred of doubt in my mind that the author threw that bit in for the sake of fanservice.

Considering what kind of kinks he openly displays on his DeviantART page, I wouldn’t be surprised.

And no, I do not intend to kink-shame Stone-Man85. Everybody is allowed their interests, and it’s not my place to judge… at least, not unless it’s something criminal, like pedophilia. But once you’ve seen his DA page, a lot of the weird crap that goes on in this fic suddenly starts to come into perspective, such as his insistence on sucking San’s lady dick at the first opportunity, when someone who actually respects her character (i.e., me and everybody else here in the Library) would be just as willing to point out her flaws alongside her strengths.

Now it was Alex’s turn to be irritated, “Do you think it would be at all possible to give the cold-hearted treatment a rest already?” he asked, “It’s really getting old…”

Paulo: The girl has known you for all of two days, and each time she has crossed paths with you, something she attempted to do ended up being foiled. I say she is well within reason to still dislike you.

he then noticed the Wolf Girl licking her arm in an attempt to clean it, “Hey, don’t do that. It’ll just make it worse for all you know,” He moved closer to the girl and sat in front of her, “Here, let me see your arm,” He reached out towards her left arm.

When she saw the hand nearing her, San once again went to instinctive reflex and swatted it away. “Get away from me!” she shouted, her eyes burning with rage, “If you so much as touch me again, human, I swear that I’ll… ”

“That you’ll rip the tubes from my throat,” The human finished for her, “I know, I know. I’ve heard this threat already.”

Paulo: And yet, he insists on not heeding it.

Well, it would help if San would actually make some effort to own her threats, rather than just saying them all menacing and such and then not doing jack shit about it.

He sat back and gave the girl a glacial look, piercing her dark, chestnut eyes.

Oh please, Alex is about as piercing as a blunted fencing foil.

“Listen, wolf-princess,” he continued, not breaking eye-contact with her. “I know you think humans are nothing but evil creatures. I’d be willing to agree with you most of the time!” He leaned forward, bringing his face closer to San’s “But I’m not ‘humans’. A human, yes, but ‘humans’, no.”

Nice logic there, m8.

“It doesn’t make any difference,” San shot back looking away, “As long as you’re a human, your just as evil as the rest of them…”

Paulo: I honestly believe that she would keel over dead upon seeing my homeland and how opposite of her claims the people are.

Yeah, but that’s old turf. We covered that way back when she first met Alex, remember?

Specs: I don’t think I was here for that.

You weren’t, no, but Paulo was.

“OH! Playin’ the species card, is it!?” The human shouted, causing San to flinch with mild shock,

And there goes any effort on my part to take this chapter seriously.

“Look, I’m sorry about what those people in Iron Town are doing to this forest. Believe me, I am; if anything, I love this forest more than anything. I’ve traveled for what feels like a month in this land, and everywhere I go, I see forests that were never touched by destruction and death,” he then gave the Wolf Girl a heartfelt look in his face and eyes as he honestly spoke up, “It makes me happy to see such beauty. And it makes me sick when I see all the damage they’ve done,” and then he got angry again as he shot out, “But don’t take the whole thing out on me! I have my own problems to worry about without having someone else’s pinned on me.”

Specs: Hey Alex, there’s some more scenery over there that needs chewing.

Seriously. There’s being offended, and then there’s just being a massive ham about being offended.

Paulo: I should like to point out that none of the other instances of San displaying her close-mindedness incurred this response from Alex until just now.

Hey, yeah! What the fuck, Killian? You spent the whole fic not even batting an eye at San’s insults, and NOW you want to act like your honor’s been slighted?

Specs: Are we honestly surprised that there’s inconsistency in this fic, when we’ve already confirmed a long time ago that the author can’t even keep his own canon details straight?

I’m not surprised, I just find it ridiculous.

The youth’s words burned into San’s like fiery projectiles that had been shot from a human’s musket. Though she really hated to admit it, the young human… did have a point. He did selflessly come to her aid during her assault, which was probably the main reason why she was still alive.

Perhaps she was being unfair to him, perhaps not; she really didn’t know at this time. All she knew, was that despite the fact he was a human, and she had been taught to hate humans in all size and form, this stranger, this outlander before her really didn’t seem to be all that much of a threat.

I swear to God, I see stuff like this and almost start to have hope for this author, and then he turns right back around and reminds me that he’s fucking hopeless.

And there was something else that she didn’t quite seem to understand. Something that just kept gnawing at her stomach whenever she looked into his eyes

Gee, I wonder if Sannabe’s developing feelings for Alex? The author sure hasn’t indicated it in ANY WAY AT ALL. Why, for all we know, that feeling in her gut is just residual sickness from being so terribly beaten. Yeah, totally. There’s totally romantic tension here, guys.

Okay, but seriously, one of the reasons I don’t have much interest in romance tales is because a lot of the stories all but give away what the romance is, if there’s one to be had, and I really don’t like that. They make airs about it being some kind of mystery who the two lovers are, but the audience figured it out ages ago and would really rather the story just get a move on, already.

We know that Alex and San are slated to hook up. That was a foregone conclusion the minute it came to light that Ashitaka doesn’t exist in this fic, because his and San’s fire-forged romance is the only one to be had in the entire movie. The author dropping hints now, but still playing it up like there’s no chemistry between them, is really just like some dude who saw the movie before everybody else trying to be all cheeky to his friends by popping off with vague, ominous-sounding shit during parts where the suspense is supposed to be mounting, and he accidentally spoils the surprise because he gave away that something was going to happen, even if he didn’t outright say what it was.

I hate that.

In my mind, the best romance plots (or subplots) are the ones where you honestly don’t know that the characters are interested in each other, because all they’d been doing was hating each other hard, or they were doing little things like double-takes and smiles, and then the story gradually builds up the tension between them until it all comes to a head and just happens. To me, those stories are the really satisfying ones, because it actually feels like it’s real, and you were there helping the characters reach the realization that they were in love with each other. You get immersed, and it takes a minute to remember that you’re just reading a story. Failing that, there’s also plots like Ah! My Goddess!, where it’s as clear as day that the romance is there, and the real struggle is getting to a point where it becomes something more tangible than words and cute little gestures. Same deal, you felt like you were there, helping to spur them along until the inevitable came to pass.

This fic does none of that for me. I’m just watching two robots slowly walking up to each other, and when they finally meet at the middle, they’re gonna let out this monotonous, “I feel intimacy towards your being, fellow automaton of opposite gender designation.” Like, woohoo, they did the thing. They did the thing that they were programmed to do. ♪This was a triumph.♪ It’s boring, it’s predictable, and it’s meaningless. I almost think that once they finally admit that they have the hots for each other, they’re just gonna give each other gold star stickers as a consolation prize.

It’s weird how a guy who has no romantic drive in real life can get so salty over storybook love plots, isn’t it?

Meh, I think I’ve said enough about that. Let’s keep going.

“I’m… ” she began, feeling as though the next word she was about say would make her vomit. The questioning look on the human’s fair-skinned face didn’t make matters all that easier, “…I’m sorry.”

“Huh?” he human raised an eyebrow, “You’re sorry?”

San nodded, a slightly defeated expression on her young face, but she didn’t show it to him as she lowered her gaze, “Yes, human. I’m sorry,” With that, she trust her arm towards him and gave him a cold glare, “Just do what you will, it doesn’t make any difference to me.”

Specs: Pfft, you liar.

She couldn’t help but flinch when she felt the young human’s fingers gently touch a spot on her arm that was tender from her injuries.

“Alright, just hold still. This may sting a little,” he said as he dipped the tattered cloth into the hot water. He then set the cloth on the large bruise that covered San’s arm.

San yelped as the hot water from the cloth touched her sensitive skin, and she fought the urge to pull away and bite off one of the human’s ears.

Paulo: He did warn you that it might sting, madam.

But the pain only lasted for a moment, and was immediately replaced by the soothing feeling of the cloth gently being stroked along the injury.

That’s not soothing. That almost makes it hurt worse.

Specs: Honestly, if I’m injured, I’d much rather you just tourniquet the damn thing and leave it alone rather than keep aggravating it by stroking the injured area.

…Even if it’s just a bruise?

Specs: Well, okay, maybe don’t tourniquet a bruise, that might just make it worse.

As Alex began to clean her wounds, not once did the Wolf Princess take her eyes of the human. The human that was tending to her as a mother wolf would tend to its injured cub. ‘It just doesn’t make any sense,‘ she though to herself as her eyes studied the human’s face, ‘Human’s are selfish, greedy, and destructive creatures, who only care about themselves,

You just described Contacts in one sentence, minus the part where he sucks at his job.

[Will you stop fucking saying that, already?! I’m still adjusting to modern day tech, God damn it! -Contacts]

She furrowed her eyebrows and she fidgeted with a piece of her dress. ‘Why is this one so concerned about me? After all, I did threaten to kill him.

Paulo: And failed to act upon it, which is the fastest way to lose your hold over the will of the person being threatened. You cannot simply continue to say that you intend to kill someone if they do whatever it is that you are forbidding them from doing over and over without it eventually losing its impact from the lack of any follow-up to back it.

Paulo is a threat professor, guys.

“Does it still hurt?” the human asked.

San wrenched herself from her thoughts and stared at him, “What?”

“I said, does it still hurt?” Alex asked as he pointed to her arm, “The wounds, I mean.”

She shook her head, “No… it’s… it’s alright now,” She glanced at his face for a moment, then quickly looked away, “Thank you.”

The young human nodded and began to wrap the strip of cloth around San’s arm.

My God, the most normal character interaction to date in this entire fic.

Now how is the next paragraph going to ruin that, I wonder?

For what almost seemed like an eternity, San watched him tend to her arm, not really carrying about anything else. After a long span of silence had passed between them she finally spoke again. “Alex,” she said quietly.

Ah, by ramping up what’s supposed to be romantic tension far too quickly to be believable! Of course, how silly of me.

Nathan looked up from the arm he was tending to and stared at the young wolf-girl. What did you say?

*SC slaps a buzzer*

Hi, Nathan!: 18

“Alex,” she repeated, “You said your name was Alex, right?

To this, Alex couldn’t help be grin, “Yeah,” he replied, “I’m surprised you remembered it.” He then tied the cloth into a tight knot, securing it to San’s arm, “And what’s your name.”

San froze for a moment and thought quickly, “Why should I have to tell you?”

“Well,” Alex replied, “I think since we’re speaking to each other now, we should at least be on a first name basis. It’d be a lot easier to call you something other than ‘Princess Mononoke’ or ‘Wolf-Girl’,” He gave her a lop-sided smile, emphasizing the boyish side of his personality.

Yeah, no, Stone-Man85, you don’t get to tell us what parts of Alex’s personality are being emphasized. That’s for Alex to show us on his own, through his actions, not your narration. It’s called character development, not “author tells the audience how the character is going to develop for them.”

San felt like hitting her head against the side of a rock.

Specs: So do I, believe me.

Never before had she told anyone her human name. Other than her brothers and her mother, not a single living creature knew it. And now she had trapped herself into a position where she would either have to tell this human her name, or think up a lie to avoid it altogether. And lying was one of the few things that could damage a wolf’s honor.

She paused for another moment then wet her lips to speak. “It’s San,” she said just above a whisper.

“San?” Alex asked. The girl nodded, “San,” he repeated feeling every letter roll off his tongue. “I like that. It’s a very pretty name.”

It’s a Japanese honorific for addressing a man.

Paulo: …It is?

Yep. Ask Ghostie, she can confirm. Probably add more onto that little fact, too.

Paulo: Interesting that a young girl would be named with a masculine honorific.

I feel like Miyazaki did that on purpose.

He then tilted his head towards the sleeping fox-squirrel that had made a bed out his jacket, “And that lazy lump of fur over there is Isaac, or Isaku. He’s basically a forest spirit, turned traveling companion.”

After hearing that, Isaac shot awake, shouting comically at Alex, “DON’T CALL ME THAT!”

San raised an eyebrow when she finally noticed the small animal, “He’s a Forest Spirit?

Alex shrugged, “Yeah, I know. It’s hard to believe something that small is a Forest Spirit. Let alone, he’s the only one in this time zone that didn’t try to kill me. He basically sold himself to me, and now I can’t seem to get rid of him.”

“Hey, you’re lucky I stay with you at all, Alex,” Isaac barked out, “Without me you’d be lost in this forest, let alone if it weren’t for me, the Wolf Princess here, along with her brothers, would’ve gutted you in an instant.”

That whole passage there is going to be the cause of much crying and consumption of booze by Ghostie.

Specs: Just her?

Well, certain parts will hit her directly, in any event.

San peered over at the fox-squirrel once more, “I find that very strange,” she said.

“How so?”

“Many reasons,” the young wolf-girl replied. “But mainly because it just seems odd that any type of animal, let alone a forest spirit, would stay with a human willingly.”

“That’s true,” Alex said, “But like I said before, I’m not like most other humans,”

Yeah, Isaac has really bad taste.

San didn’t reply, but continued to watch Isaac as he scampered over to Alex. “Are you hungry?” he then asked.

San hesitated for a second then nodded quietly. At the moment she was far too hungry to refuse food, even if it was being offered by a human.

Alex picked up the stick that the roasted little animal was impaled on and handed it to San’s awaiting hand.

Nice description, you’ve managed to put me off of [insert meat type here].

“I don’t know how tasty this thing is but ju…”

As soon as the stick was in her grasp, the young wolf-girl opened her mouth and proceeded to devour the food. Her teeth worked the cooked meat like a blender, tearing off one chunk after another.

Isaac gulped at this, “She’s as nasty as Moro.”

“Just help yourself,” Alex finished, watching the girl as she ravaged what little remained of the roasted creature on the stick, scarfing, and gnashing as though it had been a whole week since she had eaten anything.

Specs: …Well then.

So, I take it she might have been hungry?

Paulo: That is simply unthinkable.

Man, he thought to himself, ‘This girl has worse table manners than mark does.

Who the fuck is Mark?!

Well, whatever, I guess we’ll find out… probably never, actually. That’s probably something else that was stolen from N’jata and never got edited out because Stone-Man85 is a lazy, thieving cunt.

And on that note, we’re done for the week!

Thanks for reading, folks, and stay tuned for next time! Maybe if I just keep riffing huge chunks like this, I’ll be able to cut down the number of parts needed for this chapter. But that means I’ma be riffing like every other week if I go that route, because for some reason, Stone-Man85 suddenly decided that every chapter needs to be a flippin’ novella. In the meantime, I’m SC, and on behalf of Specs and Sir Paulo Rori, I’ll see you next time!

…And you’d better not duck out on me this chapter too, ya fucker.

Paulo: I make no promises. Even if I do not wish to, recall that I have a family to tend to which may end up forcing my hand, regardless.

Specs: What if we just cut your hand off, then?

Paulo: I do not believe you understood that turn of phrase correctly.

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43 Comments on “1401: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors – Chapter Twelve, Part One”

  1. batjamags says:

    As soon as her eyes were open, a painful glare blazed into them, forcing them shut once again.

    Look, Batman, I know you want to batglare at Sannabe until she starts not being dumb. We all do. But you don’t want to be in that fic.

    Then again, if the glare is blazing, it could be Superman.

    Or Floronic Man ( http://dc.wikia.com/wiki/Batman:_Leaves_of_Grass – Why do I know about so many drug-related supervillains?)

  2. batjamags says:

    Specs: That, and true to Ed’s name, he really likes riddles. In fact, it’s a recurring MO of his that frequently does his evil schemes in. For how smart the guy is, he ain’t too bright.

    Well actually-

    *Static and audio distortion over library sound system*

    ?: Hello, Librarians

    Well, that’s just perfect.

    ?: It is I, the Riddler. I have come here be cause you have dared to impune my intelligence.

    Are you sure “impune” is a word?

    Riddler: Yes! Because I am a genius. Now, riddle me this: Am I “not too bright,” or have you mindless troglodytes just failed to comprehend my plans?

    The first-

    Riddler: Shut up! Now, unless you solve each of the three hundred riddles I’ve hidden around the Library, I will kill this Darkwraith.

    OK. You have fun with that.

    He’s probably in the control room, can somebody get him out of there?

  3. batjamags says:

    Specs: Have you ever noticed that the little clicky-thing in a pen slowly spins around in a bouncy circle?

    *Specs clicks a see-through pen over and over again, thoroughly fascinated by the extension and retraction mechanism for the point*

    Yes… How… Dumb. That he can be distracted by the clicky thing in a pen. Which I can’t. Ever. Honest.

    IT’S AN ADHD THING, DAMMIT!

    • SC says:

      Yes, and I recognize that, but for Specs, it’s merely a dumb thing.

    • Syl says:

      Click.

      Click.

      Click.

      Click.

      Click. Click. Click.

      click click click click click click click click click click click clickclickclickclickclickclickclick

      SOMEONE TAKE THIS ACCURSED THING AWAY FROM ME!

  4. batjamags says:

    Gee, I wonder if Sannabe’s developing feelings for Alex?

    *Snip epic rant*

    Meh, I think I’ve said enough about that. Let’s keep going.

    I haven’t.

    The thing that makes most romance plots annoying to me is that there’s no tension whatsoever. You’ve got two attractive main characters who share a lot of screen time. Will they or won’t they get together? OF COURSE THEY WILL! It would be disappointing otherwise!

    As far as I’m concerned, these are the ways romance can work in a story (not a comprehensive list, but they seem to be the most effective):

    As a sidenote to the main plot (Doesn’t always work, especially not in stories about romance, but it’s clean, simple, and moves on to more important matters without wasting the audience’s time)

    Built up slowly and without giving away that the characters will get together (Still tough in a story that’s explicitly romantic, but devotes a bit more attention to the characters involved)

    Love triangle where neither rival is shown favoritism by the author (Some love triangles have one love interest who we’re clearly not supposed to root for, and I almost always end up feeling bad for that character for getting the shaft like that)

    Speaking of which, shouldn’t it technically be a love angle? You’ve got three points and only two sides. Or three sides and only two points, but love three-intersecting-lines is less catchy than love angle.

  5. SC says:

    but a Marine uncle living in named Levy

    I accidentally a word there, but the problem is, I don’t remember where Levy supposedly lives, and really don’t feel like sifting back through all my riffs of this fic up to now to try and find it when it really doesn’t matter.

  6. TacoMagic says:

    More specifically, foreign people in a country not of their origin, though I would think it still applies if it’s a TIME not of their origin as well.

    And in this case, it’s both. Super alien bonus!

  7. TacoMagic says:

    “For a moment, I wasn’t sure if you were going to make it or not.” He turned towards the burning fire and slowly rotated what looked like a small rodent on a skewer, “You’re very lucky to be alive.”

    Wait-

    looked like a small rodent on a skewer

    Isaac, no!

  8. TacoMagic says:

    “Well, for starters…” the human replied, “I’m not like most human males.”

    Which is a great relief to human males everywhere.

  9. TacoMagic says:

    Now it was Alex’s turn to be irritated, “Do you think it would be at all possible to give the cold-hearted treatment a rest already?” he asked, “It’s really getting old…”

    “It irritates me to no end when people don’t immediately fawn all over me. I mean, I’m me, what’s not to adore!?”

  10. Swenia says:

    “OH! Playin’ the species card, is it!?” The human shouted, causing San to flinch with mild shock,

    *Growls*

    This better not be going where I think it is.

    • Swenia says:

      He did selflessly come to her aid during her assault, which was probably the main reason why she was still alive.

      *Growling intensifies*

  11. TacoMagic says:

    It’s weird how a guy who has no romantic drive in real life can get so salty over storybook love plots, isn’t it?

    Actually, I find it to be the standard among the asexuals/aromantics I know, though that may fly in the face of any overall trend. Of the four people I know who don’t have any desire for personal romance, every one of them is adamant that love plots need to be done extremely well, or not at all.

  12. TacoMagic says:

    She couldn’t help but flinch when she felt the young human’s fingers gently touch a spot on her arm that was tender from her injuries.

    *Snort* I guess SM85 already forgot that ALL of her was supposed to have been tenderized.

  13. Swenia says:

    “Alright, just hold still. This may sting a little,” he said as he dipped the tattered cloth into the hot water. He then set the cloth on the large bruise that covered San’s arm.

    The fuck are you doing, Killian!? Even the dimmest recruit who’s only had a few hours of first aid training knows that you don’t need to disinfect a bruise!

    • GhostCat says:

      And you don’t use heat on bruises; you need cold to reduce the swelling.

      • TacoMagic says:

        Maybe she’ll get lucky and a few clots will loosen up from the warmth and help her out of the fic.

      • SC says:

        I’d like to say the only reason I didn’t rag on that was because I didn’t think I needed to, but the truth is I didn’t even think about that at the time.

    • Swenia says:

      “Does it still hurt?” the human asked.

      She’s covered in bruises from a beating she suffered only a few hours ago. Of course it still fucking hurts! Unless you’ve been rubbing liquid morphine all over her, she’s gonna hurt for a while. Especially if there’s some moron rubbing all her bruises with hot water.

  14. "Lyle" says:

    Disclaimer: Just a quick note, Someisa is the creation of N’jara. But this is sort of a reinvention of him, so don’t take any offense about it, please.

    …Dude got the name wrong of the guy he’s stealing everything from.

  15. "Lyle" says:

    Oh please, Alex is about as piercing as a blunted fencing foil.

    More like as piercing as tin foil.


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