1400: Batpunzel – Chapter 2

Title: Batpunzel
Author: Catnipcookie
Media: Movie/Comics/TV Show
Topic: Tangled/Batman
Genre: Romance/Adventure
URL: Chapter 2
Critiqued by Ghostcat

Hello, dear Patrons!

Welcome to our fourteen-hundredth post! It continuously amazes me that we’ve been able to keep it going this long. And the well of fail isn’t going to run dry any time soon.

I’ve returned with the rest of this little fic; technically it isn’t the end but since the fic hasn’t been updated in five years I think we can safely consider it abandoned. Stranger things have happened, though.

So what happened in the first chapter? Batman/Bruce Wayne discovered that Alfred was suffering from a mysterious terminal illness so he used the Power of Science (and a vial of Alfred’s blood) to discover the location of a mythical flower with healing properties –  inside Rapunzel’s tower.

It really is astonishing how much stupider these fics sound when you try to summarize them.

I don’t own these characters and stuff… Umm

Wrote this randomly because weird things happen at 2am. More to come!

That’s the exact same way the first chapter started. I thought it was just an Author’s Note, but it looks like this whole thing is supposed to be a disclaimer.

Batman covered Rapunzel’s mouth, his cool leather pressed against her soft lips as he muffled her scream.

… There’s more descriptive narration in that one sentence than there was in the entire first chapter.

Rapunzel then bit down on his leather covered finger to try to get him to release her.

I guess it would be instinctive to bite whatever was covering your mouth, but if he’s wearing heavy leather gloves then she’s not going to do a lot of damage to him.

Batman’s eyes only narrowed through the holes of his mask.

Ewww. I would definitely think about re-wording that, author.

“Please, I am not here to harm you. I am looking for something.” He said in his husky voice he uses to cover up who he truly is.

:shivers:

Sorry, it’s a fangirl reflex. (Except the Christian Bale Batvoice, which just gives me a fit of giggles every time I hear it.)

I take exception to that “who he truly is” bit; the billionaire playboy persona of Bruce Wayne is more a mask than the cape and cowl could ever be.

“I am going to release your mouth now…” he whispered to her as he pulled his hand away from her lips.

:porno music drifts through the Library sound system:

We need to seriously think about revoking Swenia’s access to the Multimedia Room.

Rapunzel almost screamed again but something inside her made her believe he was telling the truth.

That’s because you’re a naïve and gullible idiot. Normal people wouldn’t react that way to a strange man dressed in leather suddenly appearing in their rooms.

“Why should I help you?” Rapunzel narrowed her eyes at the strange man before her. Was he one of the dangers in the world she was told by Mother Gothel to look out for?

I seriously doubt she had Batman in mind; I doubt Gotham and whatever vaguely European country Rapunzel lives in are even in the same time period or the same time zone.

Batman narrowed his eyes again at her, angered that she had a point.

Fear the Bat-Squint! FEAR IT!

This version of Batman gets angry very easily; if the narration hadn’t specifically called him Bruce I could easily be convinced that this is Damian.

He would try his question anyways to see where it got him. “I am looking for a magical flower…” he could see Rapunzel’s eyes grow. “Do you know anything about it?”

AHHHH!

::hides under desk:

What is it with this fic and eyes?

“Magic…flower?” Rapunzel felt herself freeze. This man was here for her! Mother Gothel always called her Flower as a pet name, and she was definitely magic.

That’s a stretch; Rapunzel is assuming that this total stranger knows Mother Gothel’s pet name for her as well as the fact that she has magical hair – things that only Mother Gothel would know. This is the same Mother Gothel who constantly warns Rapunzel about the dangers of the outside world, and who wants to keep Rapunzel’s gifts to herself, so it is very unlikely that she would ever share this knowledge with anyone. No matter how good Batman is at Science-ing the Things, I don’t think even he could find this out without bugging the tower.

She bit at her lower lip as she thought, trying to buy herself time. “Well… I can’t say for certain… what did it look like?”

:headdesk:

If Rapunzel thinks Batman is here for her because of her nickname and abilities, then why is she acting as if he’s here for an actual plant?

Batman raised an eyebrow.

Under his mask, where no one can see it so it’s not really a relevant facial expression.

Were there THAT many magically flowers in the world that this young girl would knows about?

:shrugs:

I dunno. There isn’t a lot of information given about this weird mash-up world. The flower that Batman is after is supposedly mythical, yet he was able to track down the exact GPS coordinates for Rapunzel’s tower, so presumably there’s some kind of database of these things to consult. (A database that’s updated enough to know where Rapunzel is, but somehow missing the information that this flower grown from the drop of fallen sun has been turned into a girl via Disney magic.)

He sighed slightly

:headdesk:

Wait, I thought he was angry? Why is he sighing now?

“Listen, if you know any information… a family member of mine is very ill and that is the only thing that could renew him to his old state.”

:looks at long list of viable alternatives to “mythical flower”:

Yeah, no; totally the only option.

Batman suddenly remembered Alfred teasing him about the only reason he is going through this much trouble was because Alfred was the only one who knew how to do the laundry.

How endearing. Alfred must not be in too bad a condition if he’s able to joke around like that.

“Please” he said in a kinder, less husky voice than before.

He do what now?

Rapunzel stared at him for a long while into his eyes, trying to read inside his mind.

Well, that’s not creepy.

“Only if you help me” she dashed away from him and climbed up onto the fireplace. “These lights!” she motioned to the painting of lights floating in the sky with her frying pan.

… The lights are floating with her frying pan in the sky over her fireplace?

:sniffs coffee cup:

Have those girls been getting “creative” with the coffee again? I don’t want to wake up naked on the roof; I got such a bad sunburn last time.

“Tomorrow these will light the night sky… I want you to take me to see them. Then, and only then will I help you.” She nodded, satisfied with herself.

I think you skipped a step, Rapunzel – you need to ask Batman if he knows about those floating lights. Since he’s not from that area, he probably doesn’t know what they are any more than you do.

Batman stared at the painting and sighed. “Fine.” He couldn’t believe he was doing this.

I don’t know why you are, either. Logically you shouldn’t know anything about these lights, and since Rapunzel just tacitly admitted to having knowledge of the flower you are looking for you should be pushing her to get the information. Alfred’s dying, remember? You don’t have time for a jaunt through the woods.

But this girl with… he blinked and looked around. He hadn’t noticed before but her hair was extremely long.

:headdesk:

The World’s Greatest Detective just noticed the yards of hair draped around the room. Rapunzel’s most defining physical trait.

Dude, you suck at Batmanning.

His eyes followed it all the way around the room. “Your hair is rather… long.” He questioned. “Scared of scissors?” he smirked, teasing her.

:blinks:

He’s teasing her? Batman, my Batman, is teasing someone? Sweet mercy, he’s morphed from Damian into Dick Grayson over the space of a few paragraphs.

BAAAA!

:looks around: Cerbs?

:a wall of shimmering wool rushes past:

Wait, don’t!

—SCENE REDACTED FOR BAT-THEMED VIOLENCE—

BaAAA!

I did try to stop you.

Baaa-bAA!

Yes, verbal warnings count! I’m not going to tackle a sheep the size of a dump truck.

Baaaa?

He’s making jellyfish-filled doughnuts right now.

BAA baa.

Oh, quit whining; you’re lucky the only thing Batman did was shave his symbol into your sides. It looks pretty badass, to tell the truth – but that’s going to be a bit drafty until the wool grows back.

Baaa.

You knitted yourself a sweater? Really? With those hooves?

Ba. Baa.

Made of your own wool? How … thrifty.

Rapunzel’s tilted her head curiously. “No…Why?” she hopped off the fireplace.

Technically she was on the mantel, not the fireplace.

Batman chuckled and shook his head.

NOW HE’S CHUCKLING?!?

“Why do you have such long hair?” he suddenly was taken aback as she held the frying pan at him like a weapon.

I’m going to picture her holding it like a long rifle. It amuses me.

“Don’t question about my hair or anything else about me” she threatened him, narrowing her large eyes.

I’m trying to picture this in my head, and it’s coming out a bit like a tiny kitten threatening a full-grown panther.

Batman sighed. “Alright then…” he tensed up, hearing someone calling.

The Library would like to remind Patrons to turn off all electronic devices until the fic has come to a complete stop. Unless you’re viewing this on said electronic devices. That could be problematic.

“Rapunzel!” Mother Gothel called from below. “Let down your hair!”

:a disco ball drops from the ceiling and begins to rotate as electro dance music blares:

Dammit, not like that! :sticks head out into hallway: Someone go talk to Swenia in the Multimedia Room!

“Okay!”

SOMEONE OTHER THAN SYL!

Rapunzel panicked, and pushed Batman into the large armoire.”Stay in here and be quiet!” she commanded him and closed the doors, shutting Batman inside.

I had a dream like this once, only it was a pool cabana instead of an armoire. Suntan lotion may have been involved.

He felt like a can of sardines at the moment. “Coming mother!”

Why is Batman calling for his mother? Does he think he’ll suffocate in the armoire?

Batman could only listen from where he was but it sounded like this woman, Rapunzel’s Mother, was controlling her.

Did she ever tell you her name? Because I’ve checked the dialogue, and I didn’t see that anywhere.

He stopped for a moment and thought, Rapunzel? You mean the story on how the girl is kept against her will in a tower? He closed his eyes frustrated.

:spits coffee all over desk:

Wait just a damned minute – Rapunzel is a fairy tale to Batman? How … How? Just how?

If the story of Rapunzel exists as a fairy tale to Batman, then it exists as a whole and complete narrative. Either this Rapunzel is a completely different person who just happens to share the exact same name and living situation as her fictional counterpart, or Batman fell down a damned rabbit hole at some point to get here.

He waited there for awhile, only soon to hear Rapunzel’s mother say something about leaving for 3 days.

This armoire has astonishingly good acoustics. Also:

:THWACK!:

No numerals in the narration!

He wondered how much longer these wooden walls could hold him.

Dude, you’re Batman. The length of time that a piece of furniture can hold you could be expressed as a negative number.

Suddenly Rapunzel opened the doors and Batman stepped out calmly.

Despite the previous sentence having a distinct note of panic to it.

“What was that all about? Mom doesn’t let boys in the house while she is away?” Batman couldn’t help but tease again; it made her flustered, which in turn made her very cute.

:headdesk:

I mustn’t hit Batman with a crowbar.

:headdesk:

I mustn’t hit Batman with a crowbar.

:headdesk:

I mustn’t hit Batman with a crowbar.

Rapunzel just sulked with a slight glare to her eyes.

I think the fic finally broke someone’s eyes.

“No… Just… never mind! Don’t ask about that either!” she packed a few things in her bag to take with on the trip.

Rapunzel doesn’t bring luggage with her; she doesn’t really have a lot that she could take with her. It’s not as if she’s going to drag her box of paints along.

Batman watched her and noted when she was done. He walked to the window. “Lights, than you help me. Promise?”

When did he ever leave the window area? Batman wouldn’t have helped Rapunzel pack whatever it was she put in whatever bag she’s now carrying, so he had no reason to move in the few minutes it would have taken her to do so.

Rapunzel looked at Batman dead serious and nodded. “I promise, and when I make a promise, I never break that promise. Ever.”

Well, that was ominous. I know it is canon, but it is odd that she would use that phrasing right now since Batman hasn’t expressed any doubts in her. When she uses the line with Finn, it’s after he gives her a doubtful look. Without that nonverbal communication, this has a much more menacing tone.

Batman smirked at her

Baaa?

Just let it go, man. Sheep. Whatever.

and then shot his grabbling hook at the roof,

:headdesk:

It’s a grapnel hook; I would also grudgingly accept “grappling,” but not whatever the hell that is.

so he could climb down the tower.

So either I’m right and he didn’t use his grapnel to climb the tower, or he just really likes needlessly leaving his hardware all over the place.

Somehow… this is stranger than fighting Joker… What am I getting myself into?

Sadly we shall never know, since this fic was abandoned five years ago and is likely dead.

Now if you’ll excuse me, Patrons; :holds up disco ball: I think Cerbs wants to play fetch.

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43 Comments on “1400: Batpunzel – Chapter 2”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    Were there THAT many magically flowers in the world that this young girl would knows about?

    Today’s narration is brought to you by Internet cats!

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    Batman chuckled and shook his head.

    NOW HE’S CHUCKLING?!?

    Honestly, he’s more like the world’s greatest defective at this point.

  3. batjamags says:

    Wow. That was… short, pointless, and rather surreal.

    I’m pretty sure the lights in the sky are meant to be stars, but… Rapunzel has a window. How does she not know what stars are?

    And Batman chuckling? No. I’m just gonna say no.

    • GhostCat says:

      The lights are plot regurgitation; in Tangled Rapunzel really wants to go see the “floating lights” that appear every year on her birthday. These are sky lanterns released by the people in the kingdom in honor of the lost princess (who is Rapunzel, hence why it happens on her birthday.)

  4. batjamags says:

    (Except the Christian Bale Batvoice, which just gives me a fit of giggles every time I hear it.)

    Bale!Batman: I AM VENGEANCE! I AM THE NIGHT! I! NEED! A COUGH DROP!

    • GhostCat says:

      DC really tries hard, bless their hearts, but Conroy spoiled me. Of course, I’ve yet to see the new Superman/Batman movie, and haven’t heard anything about it that would compel me to see it, so I can’t compare Affleck’s BatVoice to the rest.

      • batjamags says:

        Yeah, I’ve heard the movie’s pretty awful, but I kind of want to see it for the same reason I read bad fanfiction: to mock it mercilessly to learn to become a better writer to mock it mercilessly.

      • GhostCat says:

        Same here, but I’m not paying theatre prices for that. I’m saving my ticket money for Suicide Squad.

      • SC says:

        I was honestly super hopeful when I first heard that DC would be releasing a series of movies akin to Marvel’s plot strains, where everything is connected over the course of several movies into one grand-scale epic, but then said DC movies started coming out and I realized that, sadly, I’m more a fan of the Avengers at the moment than whatever the Justice League is doing. At least until the movies stop sucking and pissing the fanbase off so badly that they start creating petitions to have the director in charge removed from all future DC involvement.

        I have my hopes for Suicide Squad, though. If nothing else, surely a movie about villains forced into service against other villains on pain of death can’t go that horribly wrong, can it?

      • GhostCat says:

        I think Jared Leto was a good pick for the Joker, he’s a great actor who really gets into his roles and all the sneak peeks I’ve seen of him have made me shiver, but I’ve also heard that the studio was going to do re-shoots to “tweak” the film after Superman & Batman came out and they saw the audience’s reaction to it. I just hope they don’t fuck things up.

      • SC says:

        I saw one extended preview that really made me think good thoughts for the film. I’m holding on to hope right now.

  5. SC says:

    Welcome to our fourteen-hundredth post! It continuously amazes me that we’ve been able to keep it going this long. And the well of fail isn’t going to run dry any time soon.

    I’ve come to realize, given this, that we’ll all either be dead or give up before we ever reach the bottom.

    Navigator says projections for reaching Badlantis are looking grim, Cap’n.

    *Book Specs the Navigator adjusts his glasses, and a Navy cap*

  6. SC says:

    technically it isn’t the end but since the fic hasn’t been updated in five years I think we can safely consider it abandoned. Stranger things have happened, though.

    Like that Harry Potter Aliens vs. Predator fic almost getting new chapters, thankfully averted by the failure of key technology?

  7. SC says:

    The Library would like to remind Patrons to turn off all electronic devices until the fic has come to a complete stop. Unless you’re viewing this on said electronic devices. That could be problematic.

    Ah, fuck.

  8. SC says:

    Someone go talk to Swenia in the Multimedia Room!

    “Okay!”

    SOMEONE OTHER THAN SYL!

    Oh, come on, how bad could Syl make thing-

    Jesus Christ, Syl.

  9. SC says:

    Have those girls been getting “creative” with the coffee again? I don’t want to wake up naked on the roof; I got such a bad sunburn last time.

    Glasses: Someone roofied the coffee and didn’t let me in on the hijinks?! What the hell?!

    Rose: They didn’t invite me either! How the hell did Contacts get let in on the party, but the two of us didn’t?!

    Shades: Wait, you gobeshites did WHAT to my coffee?

    Contacts: We didn’t do anything to YOUR coffee, we all realized that was tantamount to suicide.

    *Bifocals dances naked through the hall, face painted with oil in psychotic clown patterns*

    Contacts: Bifocals was considered the lesser risk.

    Shades: Blimey.

  10. Swenia says:

    That’s because you’re a naïve and gullible idiot. Normal people wouldn’t react that way to a strange man dressed in leather suddenly appearing in their rooms.

    *Porno Music Intensifies*

  11. "Lyle" says:

    I doubt Gotham and whatever vaguely European country Rapunzel lives in are even in the same time period or the same time zone.

    Germany. Rapunzel takes place in Germany. #DisneyGeek

  12. Lina says:

    Have those girls been getting “creative” with the coffee again? I don’t want to wake up naked on the roof; I got such a bad sunburn last time.

    I have no idea what you’re yammering about. You ordered the extra shot in the Funky Feel-Good, you got an extra shot of Funky.


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