1397: Garfield Effect: Galaxy Adventure – Chapter Seven

Title: Garfield Effect: Galaxy Adventure
Author: ShakespeareHemmingway
Media: Video Game/Comic
Topic: Garfield/Mass Effect
Genre: Sci-fi/Adventure/crossover
URL: Chapter Seven
Critiqued by agigabyte

Garfield Effect: Galaxy Adventure Part 7 Kasumi Thief Caper!

Cain: Ugh. I was going to do an intro, but then I saw that one of the best characters in the series was in this chapter. I don’t feel like explaining who she is, so just view this article.

http://masseffect.wikia.com/wiki/Kasumi_Goto

agig: Lazy today, are we?

Cain: Politics.

agig: That’s going to be your excuse for everything, isn’t it?

Cain: I really hate you.

Garfield was in the captains cabin blowing off the steam with his ladies.

Cain: I can see where this is going.

&Jack was sitting on one side and Miranda was on the right and Garfield had his manly arms around them both for intimate affections. Miranda was nibbling Garfield ear with love and adoration. Jack was wearing sexy underwear and Miranda was wearing nothing.

agig:

image

“Garfield your ear is lovely taste like roses and rain in spring weathers.” Said Miranda with love.

“Yes my ears taste almost as good as lasagna keep nibbling pussy cat.” Said Garfield with raring sexuality. While Garfield was enjoying his ear being nibbled Tali walked in dressed up in skimpy French maid outfit at Garfield requesting.

Cain: And she isn’t dead-

agig: because of-

Cain: the power-

agig: of boner. Still got it.

Cain: Oh, yeah, we have twinspeak.

“I am dressed like you ordered Garfield do you love me Garfield am I loved.” Asked Tali with affection.

*Alarms blare*

*The DRD Agents who shared Tea and Scones with Agent [GREY] appear on the bridge*

DRD Group Commander DuFresne: Where’s Julian? We have a sweet deal worked out where he gives us Tea and Scones, we take them to the Sector Commander, and everyone pretends this never happened.

*Agent [GREY] appears*

Agent [GREY]: Would you chaps like to sit and Riff this thing with us? I’ve got extra tea and scones.

DuFresne: I’d love to, but the Commander will want the stuff delivered soon.

Senior Operative Aldean: Don’t worry, we’ll take them to her. You just stay with your boyfriend here.

DuFresne: Thanks, sis’.

*Aldean and the other DRD Agents disappear*

agig: That was abrupt.

Cain: She’s your sister?

DuFresne: Not biologically, but we’ve known each other long enough to have a brother-sister relationship.

agig: Also, since when have you and Agent [GREY] been in a relationship?

Agent [GREY]: A few days now. Anyway, let’s get to the fic.

“Almost first you must dance for me in a sexy way.” Said Garfield as he turned on sexy music for Tali to dance to.

Cain: So he won’t love her until she whores herself out to him? That’s the vibe I’m getting, and it’s looking more like he just wants her body.

Tali then began doing a sexy dance with lots of flips and slips and somersaults. The dance ended with Tali pointing at Garfield with seduction.

“I am your woman forever Garfield.” Said Tali in singing voice. Garfield nodded in approval and made sexy motion for Tali to join him and the other ladies. However Garfields lovefest was interrupted by EDI with importance.

DuFresne: *Blinks a few times* Sorry, I was in a temporary coma.

Cain: That was the fastest coma I’ve ever seen.

DuFresne: Whatever. Anyway, I have to say that I agree with the prose on this one. Interrupting his lovefest is of the utmost importance.

“Garfield the Allusive man has new recruit for you it is Kasumi the master thief.” Said EDI with urgency.

“I do not like thieves I am hero.” Said Garfield with heroics.

Self-Righteous Rapist Counter: 5

Cain: …I fucking hate this fic so much.

“It is ok she is good thief like Robin Hood. She can help steal money from the collectors.” Said EDI with consolation.

DuFresne: The Collectors are a species of buglike creatures who can’t even be considered sapient, and work for the Reapers. They don’t have money to steal, moron.

“Very well where will I find womanly thief.” Asked Garfield with grudging.

“She is in Citadel waiting for meetings.” Said EDI with the answer.

“I will go to bridge with orders, over and out.” Ordered Garfield with authority. “Sorry ladies I must get back to work.” Said Garfield to the women.

“No Garfield you promised to love me.” Said Tali with begging.

Agent [GREY]: Ugh. This is nothing like Tali. This is just so much bloody character derailment.

“It is ok hot cookies I will be back sooner than a wink. In the meantime practice your lovings with Miranda and Jack.” Reassured mGarfield. Garfield then walked out to the bridge. Garris saw him and looked on with longing jealously.

Agig: Looks like Garrus has some feelings towards Garfield.

Cain: No, this is Garris. Completely different person.

When Garfield entered the bridge he told Joker orders.

“Joker get to the Citadel for important business.” Ordered Garfield with imposing authority.

“Garfield you may be king on the battlefield and in the bedroom but I bet you could not pilot this ship.” Challenged Joker with foolishness.

Cain: Don’t challenge the Stu, moron.

“Step aside I will show you how it is done.” Said Garfield as he pushed Joker out of the way and took the steering wheel.

DuFresne: Okay, two things. First, I think you just killed Joker, as he has brittle bone disease. Second, what steering wheel? Here’s the cockpit.

maxresdefault

DuFresne: Again. Where’s the fucking cockpit?

Garfield then switched off Jokers girly music which was the Spice Girls and put on the rockin heavy metal he puts on whenever he goes on a cruise.

“This is how men drive.” Said Garfield as he put on the acceleration to turbo roaring through solar systems like knife through butter.

“Garfield be careful you will hit a planet!” Cried Joker with panic.

Cain: To be fair to Joker, I’d be panicking too if a cat had pushed me out of my seat and nearly killed me, then started driving the ship through random star systems with no set course beyond “get to the Citadel”.

“Shut up and learn how to be a man.” Said Garfield as he went even faster. Garfield was about to crash into a planet but then he glared at it and it moved away.

Agent [GREY]: Even if one could glare a planet away, aren’t they moving faster than light?

Cain: Of course. Otherwise it wouldn’t be manly enough.

After much top notch ace piloting Garfield arrived at the Citadel in one fourth the time Joker would have.

Agig: Lemme guess, they didn’t use any Mass Relays because the Relays aren’t manly enough.

“Garfield you are truly amazing man and the better pilot.” Said Joker with admiration.

“I can teach you some moves sometime if you are ready to wear pants.” Said Garfield as he slapped jokers back.

Cain: If Joker wasn’t dead before, he is now.

After joking with Joker

*Everyone is rendered speechless*

Garfield descent to the Citadel for meetings.

“Over here Garfield it is Kasumi come over for secret meeting.”

Agent [GREY]: “Secret meeting?”

snooty-emoji-emoticon-arrogant-condescending-looking-smiley-face-character-bow-tie-raised-eyebrow-57984556

DuFresne: Aww, that’s so cute. Do it again.

Agent [GREY]: No.

*DuFresne pouts*

Said one of the advertisements with a giant face.

“I hate commercials.” Said Garfield as punched the advertisement smashing it through and through.

“Garfield you smashed by commercial.” Said Kasumi from above.

“Yes I have no time for technononsense we must go stop collectors.” Said Garfield with leadership.

“Indeed but first you must do me favor.” Said Kasumi with favor.

“Sure thing.” Said Garfield as he grabbed Kasumis breasts with hands.

“No not that.” Said Kasumi with blushing.

agig: “But I thought you wanted to be sexually assaulted…”

“Well then what is it?” Said Garfield with disappointed impatience.

“I need to get back stolen chip from Donovan Hock. He killed my partner Keiji to get the secret chip and now I must get it back.” Said Kasumi with anxiety.

“Fine I will fine this chip and crack open Hocks head like museum vase. If you need other favor let me know.” Said Garfield with a clever chuckle.

“He is on the planet Bekenstien let us go.” Said Kasumi with hurry. Garfield and Kasumi then boarded the Normany headed for Berkenstein with swift galactic speed. On the way Kasumi briefed Garfield on the mission.

“Hock is having a party you will sneak in as a party guest. You will go in as a secret alias.”

Cain: This was a thing in the game, but Shepherd was able to make it work because they were a human, not a talking cat, and had been dead for two years. See the problem here?

Said Kasumi with quick words.

“Alias? I do not need secrets I am man of action.” Roared Garfield.

“Please you must it is of importance.” Whined Kasumi with crying voice.

agig: We’re absolutely sure EP didn’t write this?

Cain: Ninety percent sure.

“Fine you women must always get your ways and give me headache.” Said Garfield with exasperation.

“Very good your alias will be “Johan Lasagnaman” and you will be a mercenary/oil tycoon from the terminus systems.” Briefed Kasumi with knowledge.

Agent [GREY]: Fuck it. Counting it.

X as Lasagna Counter: 3

“I can do this.” Said Garfield with calm silence.

“When we are inside we must look for the vault where Donovan Hock keeps art and computer chips.” Said Kasumi.

Kasumi and Garfield landed on Bekenstein on Hocks lawn and were getting ready to enter party. Hock was at the entrance greeting guests.

“Hello Mr. Johan I am sorry you cannot enter with the women.” Said Hock to Garfield.

Garfield looked at Kasumi and she nodded in agreement. “It is ok I will find more woman inside.” Said Garfield with sassy wit. Garfield than walked inside and began chatting with party guests.

“Mr. Lasagnaman come here and talk with us.” Said Hock with admiration.

Cain: Sounded ridiculous before, but now that I see someone addressing him as this, it’s even worse.

Garfield walked over to Hock with calm speed and sipped his glass.

“Mr. Lasganman you are a Mercenary/oil tycoon what do you think of the oil spill near Jupiter.” Asked Hock with curiosity.

“I think oil spills are wrong. They hurt all of the dolphins and birds.

*Everyone stares at the fic in shocked silence*

Cain: The Dolphins and Birds… on Jupiter.

If I was there I would crush oil with iron knuckles!”

Agent [GREY]: I’d pay to see that.

Said Garfield with fist clenched with fiery justice. Everyone stood up and clapped for Garfields speech.

“Excellent Mr. Lasagnaman you are true man.” Said Hock with respect.

Garfield then began looking around searching for the vault.

“Where is the vault?” Asked Garfield to a party guest.

Cain: Oh, the guest will know where the vault is, that makes per-

“It is over there.” Pointed the guest.

(I… -Sentinel)

 “Thank you.” Said Garfield with gratitude as he walked to the vault. The vault was very heavily guarded with lasers and beams.

“Garfield this will take some time to break through but I can do it. I need to find passwords and keycodes to hack through barriers.” Said Kasumi appearing behind him.

“No I do this MY WAY.” Said Garfield with fury as he punched through the vault with his mighty fist breaking it like paper.

“Garfield your fists are force of nature.” Said Kasumi with observance.

“No, forces of nature show mercy.” Said Garfield as he walked into the vault.

Cain: That’s… that’s not how it works. Like, not even remotely.

When inside the vault Garfield and Kasumi saw many statues. Garfield went over to one statue of a naked man.

“What is this naked man doing here?” Said Garfield looking at the statue.

“That is Michelangelo’s David it is art.” Said Kasumi.

“He should have done statues of naked women too.” Said Garfield with nodding head.

“Look there is the computer chips” Said Kasumi seeing the computer chip.

“HAHA Garfield and Kasumi I knew it was you.” Bellowed an evil voice with cold wind of hate.

DuFresne: He deduced that the anthropomorphic cat named Lasagnaman is Garfield. Genius.

“Hock!” Said Kasumi with worry.

“I have set trap for you here now my minions will make you like rocks and be dead in the river!” Said Hock with villainy.

Cain: Did he say that? Really?

“Send the clowns in and get the parties started!” Roared Garfield.

Many security guards came in and began to approach Garfield and Kasumi with guns pointing, but Garfield calmly strolled forward without care in his mind.

“Hey now guards please do not shoot. I do not fight I am pacifist. See here are my olive branches.” Said Garfield as he pulled out two Desert Eagles and began firing at the guards. He hit the guards with eagle accuracy hitting them in the heads and hearts.

“My head!” Cried many guards as Garfield blew them away with lead.

Agent [GREY]:

snooty-emoji-emoticon-arrogant-condescending-looking-smiley-face-character-bow-tie-raised-eyebrow-57984556

All that was left was the security Chief who was a girl.

“You would not shoot ladies would you Garfield?” Begged the security chief.

“No.” Said Garfield slyly as he shot her head off twice.

“Garfield we may be able to escape through stealth.” Said Kasumi with invisibility.

“Stealth is for handicapped children.” Said Garfield as he charged out into combat shooting at more Guards with bullseye marks. After plowing through enemy guards like hungry shark through water Garfield and Kasumi finally reached outside where Donovan Hock was waiting in a helicopter!

a_61_mantis_gunship_by_chestymcgee-d2ydpa9

(Yeah, helicopter. -Monitor)

“Garfield you are toast in the morning. I have missiles locked on, prepare for explosions!” Taunted Donovan Hock with wickedness.

Donovan Hocks taunting enraged Garfield with anger. Garfield eyes burned with the passion of raging inferno as he stared down Hock. Garfield then leaped into the air and onto Hocks Helicopter like frog. He then tore open the top like can of Lasagna and grabbed Hock by the throat.

Cain: As much as I want to, I don’t think I can count that as an “X as Lasagna”.

“Garfield what are you doing spare me please.” Begged Donovan Hock with crying tears.

“I want to see a pig fly so fly Mr. Pig.” Said Garfield wittily as he threw Hock out of the helicopter. Garfield then returned to Kasumi who was spellwoven by Garfields charm and fighting abilities.

“Garfield you are warrior like no other.” Said Kasumi in astonishment.

“Yes let us return to the Normany our work here is done.” Said Garfield with calm humbleness.

agig: Humble in the same way as Donald Trump.

Back on the Normany Garfield was relaxing in the Captains quarters and checking his pc for e-mails. One of the e-mails was sent by Tali and was titled “SPECIAL TREAT FOR YOU”. Garfield opened it up and found lots of naughty pictures Tali took of herself for Garfields pleasure.

“I will save these to my floppy disk.”

*agig’s eye twitches*

Said Garfield with eager smile. As Garfield was saving naughty pictures he heard someone enter his room.

“Hello Garfield I want to thank you for help.” Said Kasumi with gratitude.

“It is no problem pudding lips.” Said Garfield with flirtation.

“You are man like no other, you are 100 times more man than Keiji was. At first I was sad but now I am glad he is dead so I can be with you.” Said Kasumi with love dove eyes.

DuFresne: What the fuck.

Agent [GREY]: Did this really just fucking get written? You had a character say that she’s glad her lover died, so she could be with the Stu?!

“Missions on the battlefield are important but missions in the bedroom are even more important.” Said Garfield quietly as he gazed at Kasumi with sexy cat eyes.

“I want to show you super fun time.” Said Kasumi as she took off her suit to reveal a sexy nurse outfit.

“Oh yeah I need a checkup come here.” Said Garfield with approval.

“Hey I want to party too. You Promised Garfield.” Said another voice. It was Tali! She walked into the room dressed up like a sexy Egyptian.

“Ok you can join us Tali. It will be career day in the bedroom.” Said Garfield as he took both Kasumi and Tali in his arms. All three of them grabbed and kissed eachother deeply making sweet lovings for many hours until the dawn broke.

To be continued…

”You’re on a ship, in space” Counter: 14

Cain: So, DuFresne, want to join us next Riff?

DuFresne: Sure, why not? I get to spend more time with Julian. Of course, we could spend time together in a few minutes.

Agig: Get a room, you two.

Cain: Please do. Anyway, see you guys.

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21 Comments on “1397: Garfield Effect: Galaxy Adventure – Chapter Seven”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    “Garfield your ear is lovely taste like roses and rain in spring weathers.” Said Miranda with love.

    I’m just glad it doesn’t taste like lasagna.

    • GhostCat says:

      He’s a cat; his ears are covered in fur. And I unfortunately know what cat ears taste like because I have a cat who likes to express affection by headbutting me in the face when I’m laying in bed – unsurprisingly, they taste like fur.

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    “I am dressed like you ordered Garfield do you love me Garfield am I loved.” Asked Tali with affection.

    Well that’s profoundly unsettling…

  3. AdmiralSakai says:

    DuFresne: The Collectors are a species of buglike creatures who can’t even be considered sapient, and work for the Reapers. They don’t have money to steal, moron.

    Actually, they’ve had dealings with some criminal elements in the Terminus, so it’s possible they do have assets in accounts somewhere.

  4. AdmiralSakai says:

    If I was there I would crush oil with iron knuckles!”

    are you sure you don’t mean Iran Knuckles?

  5. AdmiralSakai says:

    “Thank you.” Said Garfield with gratitude as he walked to the vault. The vault was very heavily guarded with lasers and beams.

    https://lh5.ggpht.com/l4az7XHhFqrP94Y-v37ethHllDhgXJ25pexogOk5GSLUR_4N8zr1CSTJF-azyNYrbH0=h900

    Well, this doesn’t look too tough…

    OH SHIT, ABORT, ABORT!

  6. AdmiralSakai says:

    “My head!” Cried many guards

    A very reasonable reaction, but not because of the bullets.

  7. AdmiralSakai says:

    “It is no problem pudding lips.”

    pudding lips

    That… might just be the single unsexisest term ever.

    • GhostCat says:

      Worse than “throbbing man-carrot”?

      • batjamags says:

        Worse than “the feeling of his penis”?

        All we’re saying is that it’s up against some stiff competition.

        Really, me? “Stiff” competition? I’m done.

        *Burns self to death*

        *Respawns in a sandwich board that says “That’s what she said.”*

        I’m going to have to live with that accidental pun for the rest of eternity, aren’t I?

  8. AdmiralSakai says:

    “Hey I want to party too. You Promised Garfield.” Said another voice. It was Tali! She walked into the room dressed up like a sexy Egyptian.

    “Ok you can join us Tali. It will be career day in the bedroom.” Said Garfield

    Because “Egyptian” is a career, apparently.

  9. Dammit. The video seems to be starting at the beginning, rather than the part where I used the function to get link for the current timestamp.

  10. batjamags says:

    This fic is just so unabashedly INSANE that I can’t help but love it. It’s not quite as stupidly awesome and awesomely stupid as the Half-Life Full-Life Consequences quadrilogy, but it’s close.

  11. Swenia says:

    “Garfield your ear is lovely taste like roses and rain in spring weathers.” Said Miranda with love.

    I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

  12. TacoMagic says:

    “This is how men drive.” Said Garfield as he put on the acceleration to turbo roaring through solar systems like knife through butter.

  13. TacoMagic says:

    “I will save these to my floppy disk.”

    Wat.

  14. Swenia says:

    DuFresne: Sure, why not? I get to spend more time with Julian. Of course, we could spend time together in a few minutes.

    *Hands DuFresne a gift basket overflowing with bottles of massage oil, sex toys, lube, condoms, and edible undergarments*

    Have fun, you two!

  15. "Lyle" says:

    “Missions on the battlefield are important but missions in the bedroom are even more important.”

    This sounds eerily like one of Grand Ruler’s end-chapter “morals.” *shudders*


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