1395: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors – Chapter Eleven, Part Eight

Title: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors
Author: Stone-Man85
Media: Movie
Topic: Princess Mononoke
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Chapter 11
Critiqued by SC, Contacts, Glasses and Li’l Shadesie

Glasses: You know, I didn’t really expect the three of us to be riffing together again until we got back to A Witch needs her Cat.

Contacts: Well, it’s not really the three of us. It’s more like the two of us…

Li’l Shadesie: Buh?

With baby on board, right.

Alright, let’s get to it!

Hello, and welcome back to Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors, by Stone-Man85! I’m your host, SC, and last time, the Kids and Co. got a taste of the bullshit I’ve been dealing with for the last few months. Sorry, kids.

This week, I am SO FUCKING TIRED of this chapter, so expect a long riff because I’m finishing this motherfucker. We need to move on with the story already.

So, uh… you may recall, at the end of my DMC4 oneshot, Bifocals had an accident and Shades suffered the brunt of it. Well, I figured this was a good chance to finally even the score for that one riff where Shades had to babysit Glasses, and now Glasses is babysitting Shades. Contacts is here because why the hell not.

*Li’l Shadesie, seated on Glasses’ lap, kicks her feet idly*

Contacts: You know, once you’ve gotten used to Shades having short hair, it’s kind of strange seeing her with waist-length pigtails. Especially since she’s, what, three years old right now?

One of my cousins had long-ass hair at three years old.

Contacts: Oh, no kidding?

Yep.

Glasses: They’re so bouncy and curly!

*Glasses plays with Li’l Shadesie’s pigtails; Li’l Shadesie seems unfazed*

Li’l Shadesie: …Buh-buh?

Oh, yeah, I should probably get on with the riff, huh?

Now then, we left off with Alex turned into an even bigger fucker than he already is, and some gal was on the brink of blasting him. Probably not gonna happen, but one can dream.

When she open her eyes again, Alex had walked right past her. She immediately turned around to aim right at him. But she just froze, the gun shaking in her hands as she tried to shoot him. But that changed as soon as one of the woman, who was concerned for her friend, spoke up, “Kiko, what are you doing?”

However, the woman named Kiko had become startled by that, causing her to accidentally pull the trigger. The rifle fired right at Alex, almost about to hit where his heart was.

Oh my God! It’s just like Shia LaBeouf said! I won’t let my dreams be-!

But in the blink of an eye, Alex turned around, and caught the iron ball… with his left hand.

…Nothing personal, Shia LaBeouf, but you’re a fucking liar.

This sight both frightened and amazed the people, even the woman who had shot the bullet.

Contacts: I’m thinking that, unless it’s something which happens on a regular basis, “even the triggerman” counts as a redundant stateme- oh.

*Oh by all means, please, finish that thought!*

And I was doing so well avoiding those.

Contacts: Uh… heh… sorry about that.

It’s fine. Turns out, while Shades ate the brunt of that laser accident from two weeks ago, Bifocals managed to nail the DRD as well, so they’re all in daycare right now. It’s their nappy-time, you see.

Glasses: Aww, how precious.

Contacts: They’re gonna grow up to be big, strong redundancy hunters, someday.

*Li’l Shadesie points at La Bella Pistola, laying on SC’s desk*

Li’l Shadesie: Buh.

No, you’re too little to go shoot the DRD. You might hurt yourself.

*Li’l Shadesie sniffles unhappily*

I’m sorry, that’s just how it is, squirt.

Glasses: And just like that, you’ve become the shit uncle.

Welp.

She fell to her knees, at both from being startled by her shot, and from seeing the outlander catch the bullet with his hands, and not have it blown off.

Contacts: I shoot bullets out of the air, catching them isn’t so impressive that you need to keep yammering on about it.

How did you get the power to shoot bullets out of the air, and Shades didn’t?

Contacts: Oh, don’t get me wrong, she did. She just chooses not to use it.

Ah.

It was just then, Alex’s expression finally softened as he looked to her and the people, “I know that you’ve suffered greatly during this war of yours,” he said, “And I can understand why you hold such strong loyalty towards your Lady,” He locked eyes with the trembling woman, his voice taking on a more forceful tone, “But until I find a way to lift this curse of mine, I’ll protect myself anyway I can…as will the curse itself…” and then he turned around, as he spoke up once again, “So please, for the love of God… don’t fire that rifle again,” and with those words, he walked away.

Glasses: Is that the first sensible thing he’s said or done since arriving in Irontown?

Basically. There were a few other instances, but they were so minor that the very next words out of his fat mouth went and took their lunch money.

Glasses: It took this long for him to start making sense. That would be impressive, if it weren’t so sad.

It’ll probably never happen again, either.

Gonza was finally getting up from the hole that he was flung into.

Contacts: I can relate. I’ve been dropped into, and had to claw my way out of my fair share of execution pits, as punishment for being caught stealing from especially brutal fuckers.

Glasses: So what’s your opinion of the Moon Door in Game of Thrones?

Contacts: Fuck that thing.

Glasses: Who’s surprised? Is anybody surprised? I’m not surprised.

Li’l Shadesie: Buh.

Glasses: She gets it.

As he groaned and regained his footing, he looked to see the outlander, walking past him. Seeing the boy nearly made Gonza cringe in his loin underwear,

…I’m not sure anybody asked about Gonza’s underwear.

but that wasn’t the time. He ran over to where he saw his Mistress unconscious. He stopped as he asked the guards that were present, “Is she alright?”

“Yessir, she’s only stunned.”

Gonza snarled as he ordered out, “Someone bring me my rifle!” he then ordered, “Riflemen to the gate now; on the double!” as soon as the men rushed with the riflemen, Gonza snarled, “They’re not getting out of here alive!”

Contacts: You’d be surprised how frequently I hear that about me.

No I wouldn’t.

Glasses: No I wouldn’t.

Li’l Shadesie: Buh buh b-buh.

Glasses: No she wouldn’t.

Near the Iron Works building, one of the women peered out and spotted someone approaching from the shadows. “Toki! Come here,” she called out, and soon after, Toki and two of the women carrying spears rushed to the entrance.

The women saw the figure approaching from the shadows. And then walking into the light, Toki could see it was the outlander, Alex, and in his arms was the Wolf Princess, unconscious and the first time that anyone saw her, peacefully asleep.

“What happened, Alex?” Toki asked, but soon spotted the bizarre armor, as well as the eye and hair change. He just simply walked past them, without even saying a word.

Oh, you know, shit and stuff.

Glasses: Nothing serious.

The Front Gate

We did not need a scene change for that.

Minutes passed before he was finally at the compound’s entry gate where a group of musket armed riflemen

Glasses: Ow, my comprehension of English.

were waiting for him. And nearly half the town was there as well, including Shizu and the rest of the men and women. From the looks of everyone’s faces, they were either confused, amazed, or too terrified of the boy’s half-transformation.

Contacts: Meanwhile, we’re just over here like, “meh.”

It really isn’t that impressive.

Glasses: Maybe I’d be more impressed if it happened in real life, but in this fic, it’s just kind of laughable.

Li’l Shadesie: Buh.

Yowza, girly, you kiss your mother with that mouth?

The fires crackled and lit up the place as the boy carrying the Wolf Princess made his way towards the gate. The youth stopped just a few steps in front of them and let his black and yellow demonic eyes rest on the five masked faces staring back at him.

“Open the gate,” he ordered.

“I’m sorry, young sir,” one of the riflemen replied, “But the gate has been ordered sealed. Only Captain Gonza or Lady Eboshi herself can retract that order.”

“Turn back please,” one of them pleaded, not wanting to start a fight with this boy. Nobody wanted to fight a young man who could command such power, power that could start earthquakes with his feet, who could bend swords with just his hand, and who could catch one of their iron bullets with his own hands.

*SC slaps a buzzer*

Shit Nobody Cares About: 17

Another riflemen approached the dark-haired youth, “We’re all very grateful to you for bringing our comrade back to us. If you give us the wolf-girl and stand down I’m sure that they’ll spare your life. Please young sir, don’t make us kill you!”

“I walked through this gate on my own two feet,” Alex replied. “… and I’ll walk out the very same way.” He narrowed his eyes and grit his teeth. focusing them on the large gate before him. He gently put the Princess Mononoke down beside him, and stood up as he put his right hand on the door.

“Don’t be foolish, lad,” Shizu shouted, “It takes ten men to open this gate.”

Contacts: He’s gonna one-hand the gate like Ashitaka did, isn’t he.

But Alex didn’t care as he began to push at the door. He gritted his teeth and narrowed his eyes as he pushed with the strength that he had at the moment. But it wasn’t enough for him as he dug deep into himself, commanding the curse inside him to give him more power than it had given him already. As he continued to push forward, blood began to trickle from the young outlander’s mouth and nose and his breathing became fatigued. His entire head was swimming in pain, but that didn’t matter to him at this point… all that mattered was getting the Wolf Princess out of there and treating her as soon as possible.

“Stop it!” the riflemen shouted, clutching Alex’s shoulder, “You’re going to kill yourself, you lunatic!

Alex just ignored the man’s pleads and continued to push his power to its limit until it was as sharp as a freshly cut diamond. And then with a final agonized low growl, the gate slowly began to lift off the ground, rumbling and creaking every inch of the way until it was high enough to allow him access.

Contacts: Called it.

Like you really had to guess.

Contacts: Eh, I’ve started playing this game where I pretend I don’t know what’s about to happen next and see if I surprise myself.

As this was done, the villagers were all in shock at this. Even as Gonza and the riflemen that were with him trailed to stop him from leaving, the villagers still stood in amazement.

As they were amazed, they didn’t notice the dark and large shape that ran on the rooftop.

I’ve got two guesses, and the first one is probably the correct answer. You know, in keeping with this fic’s habit of being boring and predictable when not pissing me off.

When he finally forced the gate open, and used one of the logs that were left on the ground to hold it up, the youth stood silently, swooning sleepily and seemingly only half aware of reality. But nevertheless, he knelt down and gently scooped up the Wolf Princess; his gentle hold on the girl in his arms remained unchanged. A loud roaring noise suddenly brought him to a more stable state of consciousness.

Isaac, now in his ubber large form, leaped out from the rooftops and landed right in between Alex and Gonza. In his teeth, was Alex’s supply sack as all he did was roar aloud through his teeth.

…Both my guesses managed to be wrong, and yet I’m still not very surprised. How does that even happen?

Li’l Shadesie: Buh?

Could be.

Contacts: I feel like this was the author suddenly remembering Isaac still existed and weaseling him back into the narrative so that his audience wouldn’t forget.

I wouldn’t put it past him.

Gonza gulped as he shouted, “The Wolves are attacking!” he reached into his pouch but found that he didn’t have a flint with him to fire his rifle, “Where… ?” he looked to his men and ordered, “Flint!”

Contacts: Always come prepared. How hard is that rule to remember? You’re the damn guard captain. If thieving scum like me can think to pack extra supplies before a job, what the hell’s your excuse?

Glasses: What’s really sad is that you’re bad at your job, and you’re still better than Gonza.

Contacts: You know, for as much shit as I get for being bad at my job, people tend to forget that I was the second most prodigal thief of my time.

Yeah, and what age of technological evolution did you live in, again?

Contacts: …Shut up.

Wasting not even a second, the giant fox-squirrel quickly made his way towards the now open gate and stood at Alex’s side. He noticed Alex’s hafl-armor state as he asked, “Did I miss anything?”

With all his power and control, Nathan forced his mouth into a slight smile as he looked down at his Fox-Squirrel friend,

*SC slaps a buzzer*

Hi, Nathan!: 17

“Not much, I’m afraid,” he then said with strained difficulty, “Le’s get outta here,”

These words were said with strain and difficulty, for the words had not originated from his half-demon possessed mind, but from what little remained of his heart.

Glasses: Careful you don’t cut yourself on the edge, dear.

Li’l Shadesie: Buh?

He reached out and stepped forwards out the gate, along with Isaac, and as they were out in the open night, he grabbed the pillar that held the gate open.

When he and Isaac were a few steps beyond the Iron Town barrier he stopped for a moment. “If anyone follows us… ” He tilted his head over his shoulder and let the watching men and women gaze into his lifeless eyes glowed yellow, “… I will kill them.”

Fuck you too, Killian.

But then he let out a sad smile as he said to them all, “However… you have my thanks for putting up with me and Isaac,” He then released his invisible hold on the gate, letting it close with a rumbling slam that echoed through the valley.

The villagers all stood there, both in shock and amazement at the lad’s power and curse. Then, the only one who spoke out, was Shizu as he calmly stated, “Good luck, stranger.”

Next Chapter: Words of Hate and Acts of Love; An Unlikely Friendship

Holy shitballs, I’m FINALLY DONE WITH THIS FUCKING CHAPTER!

…Now for the next one.

Shit.

Pray for me, people.

Thanks for reading, folks, and stay tuned for the next chapter! God willing, I’ll never have to struggle through a chapter this long or annoying again in this fic. Well, I can dream, at least. I’m the meantime, I’m SC, and on behalf of Glasses, Contacts, and Li’l Shadesie, I’ll see you next time!

…You know, Shades is a really well-behaved little missy.

Contacts: I know, right?

Glasses: She must have been a little sweety when she was growing up!

*Bifocals rushes in*

Bifocals: Okay! Alright! I think I have it!

*Everybody instinctively ducks out of the way as Bifocals fires another laser at Li’l Shadesie; when the dust clears-*

Shades: Oh, brilliant! Now I can make good on what I said two weeks ago and KILL YOUR LITTLE WHORE ARSE!

Bifocals: Eep-!

*Shades chases Bifocals through the hall, shooting far too many bullets to be considered necessary*

Bifocals: BUT I SAID I WAS SORRY!!!

Contacts: Heh. Good to be back.

Glasses: Yeah, that thing I said about Shades being a sweety when she was growing up? I think I need to retract that statement.

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25 Comments on “1395: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors – Chapter Eleven, Part Eight”

  1. batjamags says:

    Contacts: You’d be surprised how frequently I hear that about me.

    No, I wouldn’t.

    *Scrolls down*

    No I wouldn’t.

    Glasses: No I wouldn’t.

    Li’l Shadesie: Buh buh b-buh.

    Glasses: No she wouldn’t.

    Oh.

  2. batjamags says:

    musket armed riflemen

    If they’re armed with muskets, then they’re not riflemen, are they? They’re musketmen. OK, so that’s not a word. Musketeers? Sure. Let’s go with that.

  3. batjamags says:

    …Both my guesses managed to be wrong, and yet I’m still not very surprised. How does that even happen?

    I was expecting it to be either Demon Princess the Devil Princess or Batman.

  4. batjamags says:

    “Not much, I’m afraid,” he then said with strained difficulty, “Le’s get outta here,”

    These words were said with strain and difficulty, for the words had not originated from his half-demon possessed mind, but from what little remained of his heart.

    Oh dear go-

    Wait.

    he then said with strained difficulty

    These words were said with strain and difficulty

    *Alarms blare*

    *Li’l DRD Agents toddle into the room*

    Aww, that’s adorable!

    Li’l DRD Agent: *Picking up a gun* Buh?

    WAIT NO NO NO

    *Headshotted in the head*

    • SC says:

      Oh, I guess the DRD are still kind of threats after all. Uh, whoops?

      • Cain: It’s called combat training. Most people are not Sues, even ones like myself who try to use their powers only for good, and therefore are going to be beaten by the DRD Agents.

        agig: “For good,” right. What about when you send me flying into a wall? Or Syl into a black hole?

        Cain: You’re my brother, and sending Syl into black holes is</i. using my powers for good.

      • batjamags says:

        Yeah, but three-year-olds don’t have combat training. The DRD killing me EVERY TIME is more a combination of my bad luck and bad traps. And the Li’l DRD agents having weirdly good aim for not being old enough to know how a gun works.

  5. GhostCat says:

    But in the blink of an eye, Alex turned around, and caught the iron ball… with his left hand.

    What. The. Hell.

    I don’t know a lot about the muzzle velocity of primitive firearms, but I’m pretty sure Alex should have a hole in his hand right now.

  6. Swenia says:

    It’s fine. Turns out, while Shades ate the brunt of that laser accident from two weeks ago, Bifocals managed to nail the DRD as well, so they’re all in daycare right now. It’s their nappy-time, you see.

    Eliza has been overjoyed. Just wish she would have told me that’s what we were going to go do yesterday. I’d have started drinking much earlier in the day.

  7. TacoMagic says:

    Alex just ignored the man’s pleads and continued to push his power to its limit until it was as sharp as a freshly cut diamond.

    The hell kind of analogy is that!? Do sharp diamonds normally get used to accomplish heavy labor? Do you normally use them to lift heavy things? For the love of crap, authors, try to control your word vomit!

    • SC says:

      I had no idea what to make of that, and for once, there was no good way for me to weasel a joke about Contacts’ thieving habits in, so I just didn’t even touch it.

  8. "Lyle" says:

    Isaac, now in his ubber large form,

    *smacks Stone-Man85 with a deadfish rolled up in newspaper*

    Uber has one b, you twatmuffin. Techncially, it also has an umlaut. “Über” Ubber would be pronounced “uh’b-ber”.

    *smacks him again*

    • SC says:

      This is the guy that somehow thought sushi was two words (“Su-shi” was how he wrote it, as a reminder), I wouldn’t waste your time trying to educate him on spelling things that aren’t the plainest English you could hope to find.


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