1394: Batpunzel – Chapter 1

Title: Batpunzel
Author: Catnipcookie
Media: Movie/Comics/TV Show
Topic: Tangled/Batman
Genre: Romance/Adventure
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by Ghostcat

Hello, dear Patrons!

I’m here with a brief little abandoned fic that once again proves that there are crossovers for everything and that I have this weird ability to find the most unusual pairings possible. In case you can’t guess from the title, it’s a cross between Disney’s Tangled and Batman.

Because why not, I guess.

It appears to be a very, very narrow niche; there’s only the one fic and I couldn’t find any fanart, which is generally what I use to gauge how large a fandom is. Yet I somehow managed to find it.

I’m just lucky that way.

I don’t own these characters and stuff… Umm

Wrote this randomly because weird things happen at 2am. More to come!

Oh, that’s a good sign.

Rapunzel never thought about it much, until she invented a song as she went through her daily routine. She sighed heavily and looked at her chameleon friend, Pascal.

Is she looking for the subject of this paragraph? Because I can’t find it, either.

“Pascal, today is the day. I am going to ask her today!” she said with brave pose.

She’s doing what with her what?

Pascal nodded and smiled back at her to confirm her bravery.

He’s not agreeing with her or being supportive, he is simply confirming her bravery. Also – that is a really weird turn of phrase. It’s very cold, almost unfeeling. Kind of reminds me of Ishi-sensei, but with less emphasis on parasitic flatworms.

She gathers up her paints and starts to prepare for her mother coming to visit her.

Bruce Wayne exits Alfred’s bedroom with the look of worry written on his face.

… Wha?

Why is Alfred’s bedroom in Rapunzel’s tower? Or is she being held captive in stately Wayne Manor? The lack of a transition makes it seem like everything is happening in the same section of the Formless Void.

He can’t get over the news the doctor just informed him. Alfred is dying… and there is nothing I can do about it.

I kind of doubt that, because Batman, but the “Alfred is sick/injured/dying” plot line is not unheard of in the Bat’verse so I can give this a pass.

There had to be something he could do, and he rushed to his lab with a vile of Alfred’s diseased blood in his hand.

How did he get that blood? From the way the paragraph is worded it looks as if the doctor was in Alfred’s room and gave Bruce the bad news mere moments ago, so when did Bruce draw that blood? The doctor isn’t going to allow Bruce, ostensibly a spoiled rich boy with no medical training, poke needles in a dying man and try to take out some blood. I say “try” because drawing blood is a lot harder than it looks; my mother is a trained phlebotomist and I’ve seen her practice on green beans to get her technique right. Batman likely has the skills, because Batman, but if Bruce suddenly demonstrated that he had the ability it would look very suspicious. I’m not saying that the doctor would assume that Bruce is Batman, but a rich guy who knows his way around needles? At the very least, the doctor would suspect drug abuse.

Bruce enters his batcave, and quickly heads for his lab. “Maybe they are wrong” he whispers to himself as he works to try and find the cure.

By … doing something science-y with the blood?

I don’t understand what’s happening here. What is he even doing? This isn’t one of his areas of expertise; give him a toxin or a poison and he can whip up an antidote before the next commercial break, but I don’t recall him personally discovering the cure for a terminal illness at any point. (But I have been wrong before.)

And depending on which version the author is drawing from, Batman could potentially have access to real magic; he could call on Doctor Fate, or Zatanna, or any of the League’s magic users. There’s also a number of advanced alien races represented in the League that are just a commlink away. Just because the doctor claims there’s no cure for whatever Alfred has doesn’t mean a cure doesn’t already exist somewhere.

Many hours pass and all his research leads him to a fabled flower in a fairytale.

The research that required a vial of Alfred’s blood led him to fairy tales. How exactly did he get from blood to mythical vegetation? That’s an enormous leap in logic.

I’m really starting to question this Batman’s grasp of the scientific method.

Bruce gets mad at his findings.

“How dare I find a solution to my problem!” :Batman punches microscope:

He grits his teeth and lets himself fall back, only to have his chair by his master computer catch him.

The master computer controls his chair? Is that all it does?

:headdesk:

Why is everyone in fics so terrible at resource allocation?

He sighs heavily and spins around to his keyboard, trying to find the fabled flower.

Our keyboards are usually full of tea or coffee. Sometimes sangria if Herr has had a hard day.

His eyes widen with amazement. “It… exists?” He quickly notes the coordinates down and dashes off to the location to find it.

So this incredibly rare and possibly fictional flower can be found using Google Maps? I think that makes it the opposite of rare.

Mother Gothel sighed into her chair. “I’m sorry Rapunzel but no is no. You can’t handle the world out there.”

Yeah, why do you need to go out? You can just hang out in the Batcave, doing dubious medical research.

Rapunzel just smiles in defeat. After listening to her mother’s tales of the outside world she lost her courage to confront her more and just nodded. Inside she wanted to cry.

Am I supposed to feel sad now? I’m not emotionally invested enough in anything that’s going on to really care about Rapunzel or her enforced isolation. I don’t even know what Mother Gothel told this version of Rapunzel to make her afraid to go out – she could have claimed that the world was overrun with radioactive ladybugs or something equally ridiculous.

Gothel smiles proudly “I know, I am going to go pick something up and make you a surprise.” Rapunzel just nodded to her mother and helped her down from the tower.

Kind of ruins the surprise if you tell her about it. Of course, Rapunzel’s the tower’s main point of entry so it would be hard for Mother Gothel to sneak out without revealing the tower’s original door.

Bruce, guised as Batman approached the tower,

Improper comma usage almost makes it sound like Bruce is dressed up as a Bat-tower.

he sighed to himself and walks up to the base of it and aimed his grapple gun at the window and climbed the tower.

Batman walks up to the tower, points his grapnel gun at it, and then … Climbs it the old-fashioned way wearing all his gear? That’s unnecessarily complicated.

Why is he even going up into the tower? He’s here looking for a life-saving flower, so wouldn’t he start his search on the ground? Unless they’re houseplants, flowers aren’t typically found indoors.

Rapunzel yelped when she saw the bat shaped object attach onto her windowsill.

It is a real bat? Because Batman is really more man-shaped than he is bat-shaped. And then there’s the size difference; Batman can only be confused with a bat at very great distances (usually with a full moon in the background, because Batman.)

She ran into the kitchen to arm herself.

With garlic?

Bruce climbed into the room and glanced around. “What… is this…?”

Do you really expect me to believe that the world’s greatest detective, a man with a plan for everything, didn’t do any recognizance before popping up into the tower? You have a better chance of making me believe that vague science-y bullshit in the Batcave was legitimate.

Rapunzel tipped toed up behind him carefully and raised the frying pan that she claimed as he weapon,

I don’t see this ending well for you, blondie.

and as she began to slam it down to hit his head, Bruce spun around and grabbed her wrist to halt the pan and pin her to the wall.

I’m having trouble with the logistics of this encounter. Batman came in through the window and just glanced around without moving; he’s still at the window with his back to the opening. How did Rapunzel sneak up behind him if “behind him” is nothing but open air? And if he spun around and grabbed her, forcing her back towards the “wall”, then they’re both going to go out the open window.

His eyes widened as they meet her fear filled eyes.

Ewww, gross! You two are far too close together if you can touch eyeballs.

Rapunzel than let out a scream that echoed through the area.

That’s quite an achievement considering that hearing an echo, a true echo, in a small space is nearly impossible. An echo happens when someone (like Rapunzel) makes a noise; the sound waves from that noise travel outward and can strike objects, causing them to bounce back. That delay between when the sound is produced and when it returns is what creates the echo effect, and in a small room the waves don’t really have far to travel so the delay isn’t really noticeable enough to produce the characteristic “echo” effect. It just blends into the background noise. The author could mean that he scream was echoing outside the tower, but the wording really doesn’t make that clear. (As a fun bonus you can click here to discover how a sustained echo can result in an ever-expanding orb of death, courtesy of Taco.)

That’s it for this chapter, dear Patrons! At least it was short, right?

 

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57 Comments on “1394: Batpunzel – Chapter 1”

  1. It appears to be a very, very narrow niche; there’s only the one fic and I couldn’t find any fanart, which is generally what I use to gauge how large a fandom is. Yet I somehow managed to find it.

    I’m just lucky that way.

    Cain: For a given value of lucky.

  2. batjamags says:

    Alright, let’s see what the new riff is-

    *Sees title*

    *Rubs eyes*

    *Sees same title still there*

    Oh, hell. This is going to hurt, isn’t it?

    • GhostCat says:

      It’s more confusing than painful. The fic never really rises far enough above the clouds of void to inflict any real damage.

      • batjamags says:

        Ah. The concept for this crossover still baffles me. How did this author decide that Batman and Tangled just had to be crossed over? I’ve never seen Tangled, so is there something I’m missing here?

      • SC says:

        Uh… Tangled is basically just the Disney story of Rapunzel. Girl with really long hair, trapped in a tower, rescued by a dashing (if massive nincompoop) rogue, evil witch, yadda yadda.

      • batjamags says:

        So basically, I’m not missing anything, and it’s just as ridiculous an idea as I thought it was.

        *Sigh*

      • GhostCat says:

        Yeah, I don’t really know why this exists – but I stopped questioning weird crossovers after I found the Leave it to Beaver/Star Wars mashup.

      • TacoMagic says:

        I’ve learned not to question the existence of cross-overs ever since discovering how many Land Before Time x Star Wars fics there are.

      • batjamags says:

        Which is kind of funny in itself, because there are all kinds of really weird crossovers, but I recently had a pretty reasonable idea (long story), and while there were a couple fics that I could find crossing the two relevant fandoms, but none using the most obvious possible explanation for the crossover!

      • "Lyle" says:

        So basically, I’m not missing anything, and it’s just as ridiculous an idea as I thought it was.

        I’m actually a pretty big fan of Tangled. I thought it was one of their better, newer musicals. In my opinion, it’s leagues above Frozen. It’s pretty goofy (not as much as Emperor’s New Groove, nothing will beat that movie) but definitely amusing.

        • GhostCat says:

          I like Tangled better than Frozen, especially the relationship between Eugene/Flynn and Rapunzel. Frozen feels very directionless at times, more so after the big reveal.

  3. batjamags says:

    And depending on which version the author is drawing from, Batman could potentially have access to real magic; he could call on Doctor Fate, or Zatanna, or any of the League’s magic users. There’s also a number of advanced alien races represented in the League that are just a commlink away. Just because the doctor claims there’s no cure for whatever Alfred has doesn’t mean a cure doesn’t already exist somewhere.

    Or he could just make a deal with Mephisto in return for his marriage.

  4. SC says:

    Why is Alfred’s bedroom in Rapunzel’s tower? Or is she being held captive in stately Wayne Manor?

    Contacts: This is either Bifocals’ fault or Booky’s fault, but I’m not allowed to say it’s Booky’s fault without first clarifying that he has exempted himself from all blame, so therefore, it’s Bifocals’ fault.

    Bifocals: Verdammt.

  5. batjamags says:

    His eyes widen with amazement. “It… exists?” He quickly notes the coordinates down and dashes off to the location to find it.

    And he did… What, to find it, exactly? I mean, it’s Batman, so I should be wondering why he didn’t already know how to find it, but I’d like to know how.

    • SC says:

      He checked a thing and cross-referenced some other things before roughly triangulating a third thing and narrowing the possibilities down from there, of course.

      Bro, do u even maps?

      • batjamags says:

        But he didn’t do the thing! You can’t maps unless you do the thing!

      • GhostCat says:

        I’m pretty sure he science-ed the thing at some point. Like, ninety percent sure.

      • batjamags says:

        Actually, I just had a thought about this. Maybe he did consult with Zatanna or Dr. Fate or someone similarly magical about Alfred’s [ERROR: Illness not found], and they told him that he could find the flower. The process he went through is vague enough that it could’ve happened, and that’s probably how it would happen in a good story, but this author wanted to skip to the crossover.

      • SC says:

        I feel like anybody who could help him out in that regard in the League would be thoroughly frustrated that he contacted them over a fairy tale magical flower.

        But then again, they all readily accept the existence of an alien substance powerful enough to lolnope the Super cousins, so…

      • batjamags says:

        I was thinking more that they told him it existed. The other option is that he decided the answer was a fairy tale flower when he was doing science with the science thing.

      • SC says:

        We call that the Bifocals solution:

        “I think it is, so therefore, fuck your logic.”

      • batjamags says:

        Robin: Maybe we could use one of Ra’s Al Ghul’s Lazarus Pits.

        Batman: Nah, I bet it’s a flower from a fairy tale.

        Robin: I bet Dr. Fate knows a way to heal-

        Batman: Nope. Fairy tale flower.

        Robin: We could ask Green Lantern if-

        Batman: Fairy. Tale. Flower.

      • SC says:

        Alfred: Master Bruce, I really don’t think-

        Batman: In what language do I have to say “fairy tale flower” before it finally registers in your head?

      • batjamags says:

        Oracle: According to my research, someone with the same [ERROR: Illness not found] was cured by-

        Batman: I’M BATMAN AND I SAY WE GO LOOK FOR THE FAIRY TALE FLOWER.

  6. batjamags says:

    she could have claimed that the world was overrun with radioactive ladybugs or something equally ridiculous.

    Improper comma usage almost makes it sound like Bruce is dressed up as a Bat-tower.

    Oh, I get it! We’re in the Silver Age!

  7. SC says:

    Batman likely has the skills, because Batman, but if Bruce suddenly demonstrated that he had the ability it would look very suspicious. I’m not saying that the doctor would assume that Bruce is Batman, but a rich guy who knows his way around needles? At the very least, the doctor would suspect drug abuse.

    Doc: And generally speaking, especially when you’re a super well-known million/billionaire philanthropist trying to hold a cover story, it’s not really like you can turn around and go, “Oh, I took a medical course for this” without people being all, “Okay, when?”

    You say that like you have personal experience.

    Doc: Aside from my also-a-medic brother, who knows I’m a mercenary now, most of my former colleagues assumed that after I was terminated from the last hospital I worked at, I retired from medical practice altogether. So, you know, I can’t exactly walk around in my scrubs and with a shotgun on my back near any of them.

    Ah.

  8. batjamags says:

    and as she began to slam it down to hit his head, Bruce spun around and grabbed her wrist to halt the pan and pin her to the wall.

    Batman is so good he can pin people to empty space.

    Why?

    BECAUSE HE’S BATMAN.

  9. SC says:

    Do you really expect me to believe that the world’s greatest detective, a man with a plan for everything, didn’t do any recognizance before popping up into the tower? You have a better chance of making me believe that vague science-y bullshit in the Batcave was legitimate.

    First half of this statement is Contacts’ “evil” twin Aviators (who is actually a very charitable and upstanding citizen of the law and frequently aids law enforcement in the investigation and arrest of many, many criminals, not the least of which including Contacts), second half is Bifocals.

  10. Do you really expect me to believe that the world’s greatest detective, a man with a plan for everything, didn’t do any recognizance before popping up into the tower?

    Dakota: I’m not sure why he would need to undertake a bond before a court or magistrate to adhere to some condition.

  11. SC says:

    Our keyboards are usually full of tea or coffee. Sometimes sangria if Herr has had a hard day.

    Shades drooled all over mine when she passed out on it, that one time when she was babysitting Glasses. She still owes me a new keyboard.

    Shades: I do not DROOL in my sleep!

    You fucking liar.

  12. How did Rapunzel sneak up behind him if “behind him” is nothing but open air?

    Cain: I haven’t done any recent patches to the laws of physics, so maybe we should make sure the Gemini haven’t reverse engineered a Retcannon.

  13. AdmiralSakai says:

    Title: Batpunzel

    Is it bad that the very first thing I thought of was BAT PUSSY?

  14. AdmiralSakai says:

    Pascal nodded and smiled back at her to confirm her bravery.

    How does a chameleon smile?

  15. AdmiralSakai says:

    Rapunzel yelped when she saw the bat shaped object attach onto her windowsill.

    It is a real bat? Because Batman is really more man-shaped than he is bat-shaped. And then there’s the size difference; Batman can only be confused with a bat at very great distances (usually with a full moon in the background, because Batman.)

    Maybe he tossed a Batarang up first?

  16. TacoMagic says:

    Do you really expect me to believe that the world’s greatest detective, a man with a plan for everything, didn’t do any recognizance before popping up into the tower?

    Wait, he didn’t do what?

    *Googles*

    Uuuuuh, not sure that’s the word you want there, Ghostie.

  17. Addicted Reader says:

    I didn’t think I could hate anything more than I hate present-tense narration.

    Turns out a mix of present-tense and past-tense narration is waaaaaaaaay worse.


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