1389: Poison – Chapter EightPosted: April 17, 2016
Topic: Snow White / Fairy Tale
Genre: Fantasy / Adventure
URL: Chapter Eight
Critiqued by Addicted Reader
Hello again, dear readers. We’re getting close to the end of this fic, and this week we’ll get close a lot faster! You’ll see below.
But first, the recap:
This is a fanfic of “Snow White” with the interesting premise that the Evil Queen Stepmother is really Snow White’s mother, but the Queen had to pretend to die in childbirth and change her form because Witchy Sue. The Queen is proud of her daughter when the mirror names SW “fairest of them all” and then sees a vision of SW being attacked and sends her to be lost in the woods for her own protection.
This is actually a pretty good premise for a fanfic (except the Witchy Sue part), but it’s very poorly executed. We’ve hit most of the major plot points so far (according to the Disney version, of course): SW’s mother wishing for a daughter with the specified coloring then “dying” in childbirth, a stepmother SW doesn’t get along with, the Mirror Sequence, the Evil Queen Stepmother ordering a guard to lose SW in the woods, and SW finding the dwarves’ cottage, cleaning it, and falling asleep.
Along the way, we also get a very unclear idea of who witches are or how magic works in this story, SW as a Witchy Sue wannabe who fries the guard with a laser gaze when she wakes up after being taken into the woods, and a different guard inciting a mob against SW for being a witch.
And now, on to the story.
So right after the chapter title, we have all of Chapter 7 reposted. No clue why. Exact same SW finding the cottage, cleaning it with the help of the animals, and falling asleep. So that’s done. And seeing as the new material is only four paragraphs long, we’ll be out of here very soon.
We now rejoin the mob that set out at the end of Chapter Six:
The villagers barged through the castle doors. Of course half of the guard was in the mob so they were well protected from any occurring obstacles. They rampaged through the halls to the palace to were the princess would be sleeping carrying torches, pitchforks and anything else they had grabbed. They stormed into the young girls chamber and found it disturbingly empty. To this the crowd shouted and squealed.
So this is – sort of – what the Queen saw in the mirror after it told her that SW was the fairest of them all. Only this time there’s no princess for them to grab.
And still, a lack of commas. It’s really hard to read that.
This author had made SW 17 years old. Not really a “young girl.”
“Where is she?” one villager exclaimed. Others retorted loudly in colourful language, speaking so loudly they didn’t hear the queen entering the room.
I’d make a comment about yelling being counterproductive when trying to find someone, but it’s a mob, so it’s really about as one would expect. That’s on human nature, not on the author.
The queen’s eyes widened and she stared at the crowd with glowing eyes and lifted a feminine hand towards the mass of the crowd.
“a feminine hand”? Is it hers or did she cut it off of someone else? And what makes it “feminine”? Are the nails pink? Because if that’s the criteria, my hands are rarely feminine. My nails are more often purple, gold, or some neon color than pink.
“You will forget everything you thought tonight about snow white being a witch. The idea of any of the royals being a witch is ridiculous and anyone who said other wise should be executed. And you will forget I said this as well.” The queen chanted and turned around leaving the bewildered villagers to collect their thoughts.
::handwave:: These are not the witches you’re looking for.
Seriously, that’s it? Queen Witchy Sue passed out after casting the spell to give SW her signature coloring way back in the first chapter, and there was a passing reference to a love spell using up all her power in the Mirror Sequence chapter, so that should not have been so easy. C’mon, author, a little consistency is all I ask!
But at least the Queen gets credit for erasing the memory of her erasing their memories.
And that’s it! Barely enough to get the snark juices flowing. Join me next time for the next-to-last chapter of this fic, in which I can be pretty sure the dwarves will find SW. Just in case anyone was going to be in suspense.