1388: Legendary Adventures, Futuristic Saviors – Chapter Eleven, Part Seven

Title: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors
Author: Stone-Man85
Media: Movie
Topic: Princess Mononoke
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Chapter 11
Critiqued by Team Paragon, at the expense of San Sannabe

~Aboard the Team Paragon Stealth Airship “Excellion”, cloaked and hovering 20,000 feet somewhere above the Pacific~

Goldie: So are we all ready?

Ozzy: Sure.

Rose: I am!

Zack: Huh? What?

Goldie: Eh, good enough. Okay, intro, intro… *ahem* Hello, and welcome back to-

*click*

Goldie: …What was that?

Grey: That’s Cas. He’s trying to kill himself before the riff starts.

Cas: FB_IMG_1460234377841

Grey: Probably works better if the gun is loaded, methinks.

Goldie: …Cut that out, Cas, we’re riffing this whether you want to or not.

Cas: Bugger.

Goldie: Anyhow, welcome back! Still chapter eleven. Seriously, this is the longest damn chapter so far. I really hope we’re getting near the home stretch on this thing. So, uh, last time, a whole load of bullshit happened, and it all culminated in me deciding that a certain someone needed to be given a reality check-

Sannabe: When I get out of here, I’m going to kill all of you!

Goldie: -Which leads us to this situation.

*the Sue incarnation of San, dubbed “Sannabe,” is restrained to a chair with steel bands; three of Goldie’s Maximum Security droids keep vigilant watch over her with weapons at the ready as she struggles angrily to try and escape*

Ozzy: To make a long story short, we’re not taking chances with this idiot. Sure, her skills are all bullshit, but it’s pretty annoying to have to chase her around the ship.

Sannabe: You’re not going to keep me tied down forever! I’ll get out of this, and then you’re all dead!

Cas: Good luck with that. In the unlikely event that you do manage to slip out, we’ve taken your weapons, and around your neck is a device designed to sap your strength in case you suddenly gain Sue powers on us. Oh, and those droids there are programmed to shoot to kill the second they detect trouble. So, yeah, you have fun with your little death threats, missy.

Sannabe: Typical! you filthy humans are too cowardly to face me at full strength, so you have to tie me down and cripple me instead!

*To prove a point, Rose casually walks over to Sannabe’s seat and rips it off the floor, shredding the bolts that held it down; she lifts Sannabe over her head effortlessly, and for added effect balances the chair on one finger*

Rose: Sooo, you wanna maybe rethink your statement, there?

Sannabe: Gh-! What kind of demon witch are you?!

Rose: “Demon witch?” Wow, talk about rude.

Grey: Really, some people are so impolite.

*Rose drops Sannabe back to the floor, a loud bang ringing out through the room*

Ozzy: We’re not afraid of facing you at full strength. You’re a joke. We just don’t have the patience to play around with you, is all.

Grey: And quite honestly, even if you were at full strength, all it would take is me summoning a big enough gun and nailing you with it – boom, no more Sue-bitch.

Sannabe: You wish it were so easy! I am the Princess Mononoke! Daughter of the wolf goddess Moro, guardian of the forest! My strength and speed eclipse that of any filthy, pathetic human, and my skills are more than enough to bring you all to your-

Goldie: I’m gonna go ahead and cut you off there, because we all know that’s a load of bullshit. Besides, we have a riff to get to.

Sannabe: Why you-!

Goldie: Yeah yeah, that’s real nice, hush.

“No stop!” Alex thrashed and struggled madly under the weight of the two men who were holding him down to the ground. “Leave her alone, or I’ll kill you!”

Rose: Remind me, am I still supposed to see Alex as the good guy, here?

Ozzy: According to the author’s backwards idea of protagonists, yes.

Rose: So the actual answer is no, then.

Zack: Ostensibly.

Sannabe: That stupid human. If he hadn’t kept getting in my way, I would have cut that damn gun-woman apart, and get little human minions wouldn’t have been able to stop me!

Grey: Ah yes, your brilliant strategy. Noisily and messily infiltrate a human stronghold without any means of backup, somehow survive long enough to reach your target, maybe kill her before she kills you – which, by the way, you were doing a rather piss-poor job of that – and beyond that, you had no plans for escape, nor how to deal with the masses of pissed off humans after the fact, and lest we forget, they have training and organization, whereas you just winged it and got lucky. Yes, if Alex hadn’t intervened, boy, you sure would have achieved great victory for your clan, yes sir.

Sannabe: Once I had killed that damned gun-woman, none of the rest of those filthy humans would have been able to stop me from killing them all as well! I would have walked out of that hellhole with my head held high, covered in the blood of my enemies!

Cas: Would anybody object to me slapping her every time she overinflates her abilities from here on out?

Goldie: Nah.

Ozzy: Nope.

Rose: Shit, I’ll do it for you.

Grey: I’d just shoot her, myself.

*Sannabe growls viciously, and seems to grow angrier when she notices that nobody is fazed*

The Princess Mononoke was now buried under what looked like half the population of Iron Town.

Goldie: High school football all over again, huh, Ozzy?

Ozzy: Bro, we were homeschooled. No school was willing to accept us on account of the terrible reputation our parents have. You and I played our own rendition of Calvinball against your droids because neither of us know how football works.

Grey: I’ve always wondered, would Calvinball be called Calvinrugby in Britain?

Cas: Calvincricket.

Rose: Calvincroquet.

Goldie: The upper echelon of Calvin sports.

*Sannabe looks confused, but it’s hard to tell from how pissed off she also is*

Fists, feet, and wooden staves flailed as the enraged mob began to brutally beat and bludgeon every inch of her body. Even through all the laughter and shouting, Alex could just barley make out the girl’s blood curdling screams.

*Sannabe winces*

Goldie: Bad memories? Can’t say I blame you, getting mobbed is a bitch.

Grey: Especially if the mob in question is a fanatical death cult trying to stop you from reaching a bomb meant to level an entire island for the glory of their God of Suicide. Not a pleasant experience, that.

Rose: How is there even a God of Suicide anyhow? Like, how would you worship them?

Goldie: Honestly, I don’t ever plan to find out.

Sannabe: …I could have fought my way out from under all of them. The pain was nothing compared to what I-

*SMACK!*

Sannabe: Agh!

Cas: I did say that I was going to slap you for overinflating your abilities, didn’t I?

*Sannabe tries violently to break free and kill Cas*

Rose: Careful, she’s s feisty one!

Zack: Feisty doesn’t break steel cuffs, though.

Ozzy: You’ve been oddly quiet do far.

Zack: Oh, I’m just enjoying the scene.

Oh God, they’re beating her to death! he though, feeling the tears of rage and helplessness filling his eyes. And I can’t do a goddamn thing to stop them!

Grey: No complaints on my end.

Sannabe: Pah! What a lie. In his situation, I bet you would be the same way!

Grey: Oh, I’m going to love the explanation behind this.

Sannabe: Any human who doesn’t hate me would be awestruck by my beauty! I don’t brighter than the sun it-

*SMACK!*

Sannabe: Gack!

Cas: Damn, my twit-slapping hand is going to be sore after this riff.

Grey: We can do a trade off if you need it.

Cas: Eh, it’s just soreness. I’ll live.

Sannabe: I… don’t get it! How are neither of you affected by my beauty?! Does this mean you’re the filthy humans that hate me? It would certainly explain why-

*SMACK!*

Sannabe: G-ow!

Cas: We’re not human, first of all. Humans don’t usually come back to life after they get killed, interestingly enough.

Grey: Second of all, I can’t speak for Grey, but I just don’t find anything attractive about you.

Goldie: Don’t feel too bad, he’s like this around most people, regardless of gender. Especially if they capitalize on their looks to their own benefit.

Sannabe: How dead inside does someone have to be to not find me beautiful?!

Rose: Well, this is Grey we’re talking about…

Grey: I am not dead inside. One of my passive powers is being able to ignore fanservice in all forms when I choose to, that’s all. Why that’s even a power, though, I couldn’t say. I must get it from mum, or something.

Ozzy: Back on topic, at least a little bit: I’m kind of shocked that this Sue is so willing to admit that she has bullshit character traits.

Goldie: She’s a bastardized incarnation of a canon character. Our Siphoner was set to target Sues that bear the identity of canon characters and break canon, which the real San hasn’t done, so the result was that we basically extracted the dark side itself. And since “the dark side” is, in this case, Stone-Man85’s narrative, Sannabe therefore takes the things written about her by him as her version of the truth.

Ozzy’s: …So, in other words, Stone-Man85’s wankery about how amazing and sexy she is is literally the foundation of her little world?

Rose: And we are SHATTERING it.

Sannabe: Stop talking about me like I’m some… thing! I would take you all apart if I were free to do so! I possess the strength and cunning of a wol-!

*SMACK!*

Sannabe: Ow! STOP THAT!

Cas: Make me.

He shook his head and continued to struggle, “Please just stop!” He screamed again.

Cas: I reiterate: make me.

“You’re killing her, you heartless bastards!”

Zack: It’s just a slap to the face, is that really so fatal?

Ozzy: Probably would be if Rose or I did it, I guess. I mean, we can chuck military anti-personnel vehicles around like frisbees, so…

Rose: And before anybody asks, we made sure to only use old, broken down scrap heaps that USED to be military vehicles. People kind of got mad at us when we asked to test on the real things, you see.

As more tears streamed from his eyes, the young outlander felt the muscles in his body begin to throb and burn once again. “Stop…” he said, just above a whisper, closing his eyes tightly, trying to fight the incredible rippling from his wrist chain, spreading all over his body. “I’m warning you…”

Goldie: *sigh* I’m just gonna go ahead and get the buzzer ready now, I’m pretty sure I can guess what’s about to happen.

His body started to convulse and spasm, shaking him all over like an earthquake. The wrist chain’s gem started to glow rapidly, until it started to glow bright and brighter. When the he could no longer hold the back the expanding pain, his eyes shot open and he thrust his face outward, “STOP!” His voice became alive with raw destructive power and at that moment, the barrier holding back his rage was shattered.

Suddenly, his whole right arm was encompassed in the black ooze film, and followed it was the gold band’s metal encompassing it. After it had finally hardened, the armor was complete, showing that Alex’s right arm was encased in a skin tight golden yellow armor. His shoulder was in a spherical shoulder guard. His bicep was covered in a golden yellow armor as well, but the line detailing his muscle was showing to be the black ooze. His forearm was three times bigger than ever, with two tusk blades stuck out from where the elbow was. His right hand was also armored in detail, almost looking cybernetic’ the inside and the palm were both covered in the black ooze film armor, and the gem had fused into the right wrist, changing from red to a glowing topaz color. Connecting his shoulder to the chest, a horn shot up that was only one foot up. The right half of his chest was covered in the black ooze film; it was skin tight that it showed his muscles underneath, making it seem that he had no shirt on. It went from his neck as well, and also had armor on him that covered half of his right chest and back, making it look like he had a skin-tight vest on, and around his neck was a golden neck guard of sorts. The same glyph marks appeared under his eyes, and his right eye again, showed it had gone black, and the pupil gone golden yellow… like Nago’s.

But this time, the curse had furthered, as of now. His whole upper body was covered in the black ooze film. And as before, the film was skin tight that it showed his muscles underneath, making it seem that he had no shirt on whatsoever. His left shoulder was armored in golden yellow armor shaped like a jacket shoulder, and on his forearm was a golden yellow armored armguard, as well as a left armored glove, similar to his right one, except it had five fingers and lacked the topaz gem. But it also had a horn connecting to his shoulder to the chest, and also, strangely, his hair had turned sandy orange, and had grown in the back a little reaching down to his neck.

Goldie: It’s truly amazing how people can waste so much breath talking about things that add nothing to a story.

*Goldie slaps a buzzer*

Shit Nobody Cares About: 15

It was clear, that the curse had gotten stronger, but only showed half of it now, due to Alex’s anger boiling inside of him.

Ozzy: That makes no sense.

Rose: Welcome to this entire fic, brother dear.

With his newfound strength grown even farther, Alex was able to lift himself up, despite the two men holding him down. And unlike himself, he snarled like a beast; he then lifted his foot up, and slammed into the ground with immense strength. And like an immense wave of devastating force, his power rolled through the street, uplifting the ground and smashing the sides of the houses. The power snaked its way towards and across the square striking the dense crowd of frenzying humans like a bolt of lightning.

Rose: Yawn.

Grey: Let me know when I’m supposed to be impressed.

Cas: What, the lame stuff hasn’t ended yet? Well, back to my book, then.

Ozzy: What Alex is doing is how I apparently sleepwalk, if Zack is to be believed.

Goldie: Well, the general consensus agrees: nobody is wowed by this little display.

As if a bomb had been set off, every man and woman was violently thrown into the air and away from the still form of the wolf-girl they were beating. Strangely enough, she was the only one the power had left untouched.

Grey: Oh look, the bullshit powers have bullshit parameters. Who knew.

Goldie: Can’t risk making Alex’s wet dream in human form look unsexy, you know.

Nearly a thousand astonished eyes turned towards where the attack had originated and found Alex, halfway transformed, standing in front of the iron-works building, the two men who had been holding him down thrown both ways into the walls of the buildings in between the pathway he was in.

Grey: Sure, that paragraph doesn’t fuck with my internal compass at all.

The youth’s eyes were now pitch black, white and pupil, and the irises were both golden yellow;

*Goldie slaps a buzzer*

Shit Nobody Cares About: 16

his face now was completely devoid of emotion, except for a look of calm anger at now.

Grey: You can’t be calmly angry, those two emotions are antonymous of each other.

He took a step forward…then another.

Goldie: 1783adf0-8f9d-11e3-8069-c5c9dcf1826e_Rankin-One-Foot

Cas: Bit off-season for that joke, isn’t it?

Goldie: I honestly doubt I’d find a similar joke that fits as well.

As the seconds passed, memories of his first incident passed through his mind. Memories of having absolutely no control over his body; and memories of the helplessness he had felt against the entity that resided deep within the curse that plagued his body.

But this was different. There was still tremendous pain, but there was no helplessness. And most of all… he also possessed control… and the most terrifying part for the future teenage boy, was that now… now that it was halfway out… he was starting to enjoy it. His mind willed the movement, but something else placed those movements into his body, carrying out that will. It was just like moving in a dream, as though each muscle and bone was tethered to an invisible string.

Rose: OH MY GOD, WHO CARES?

*Sannabe is startled awake*

Sannabe: What? What’s- I’m still here?!

Zack: I’m shocked she managed to get bored enough to doze off, what with how badly she wants us all dead.

Ozzy: Never underestimate the power of boring prose.

Alex moved towards the square, ignoring the townspeople that were staring at him. As his place slowly increased, a strange, sandy orange aura began to extend from behind his right shoulder. The aura churned and twisted in the air as though it were alive, branching out into almost like a scarf or a cape of some kind.

Grey: So he keeps the wicked aura that Ashitaka’s curse had whenever it was active? At this point, why even bother? You’ve taken Ashitaka out of the story, bastardized the curse beyond recognition and made a mockery of the overarching quest to cure it through pacifism and non-bias. What benefit is there in pretending that you’re still following that plot thread?

Gonza pushed himself through the crowd of stupefied townspeople and stepped in front of the dark-haired youth. “Traitor!” he growled, raising his sword, “I was right about you all along! You’re a spy for the wolves. The guard-captain slashed.

Sannabe: *snort* As if we needed him to spy for us.

Goldie: For once, I agree with you.

With speed faster than the human eye could follow,

Grey: Weak.

Cas: Are we going back to lame stuff, again? Oh good, I can squeeze in another chapter.

Alex caught the blade with his right armored hand, and held it tightly. He then continued to walk forward, but as he did, he bent the blade Gonza held, while Gonza grit his teeth, “Get back! Halt!”

“Get out of my way,” he said blankly before tossing the man trough the wall of a nearby house.

Ozzy: Walk it off, Gonza.

When he finally reached the young wolf-girl’s motionless body, Alex knelt beside her once again. Her face was marked with several cuts and bruises as were her arms and legs, and he had noticed the bleeding wound on her right side.

Rose: You know, nevermind the fact that being savagely beaten as she was should have left her looking like her face was used as target practice for a hydraulic cannon loaded with boxing gloves.

Goldie: Like I said, can’t risk the love interest not being sexy.

Sannabe: Those humans were as weak as I figured. They couldn’t even beat me pro-

*SMACK!*

Sannabe: OW!

Cas: What? You thought I forgot about that? My memory is far better than just a few paragraphs.

His hand went to her neck; the touch was gentle, seeing as how his strength, as well as the demonic entity inside him was somehow being controlled.

Goldie: Yes yes, we’re all thoroughly unimpressed, can we get a move on, please?

There was a pulse, which meant she was alive.

Zack: Gee, I thought that meant she was dead!

Ozzy: The human body is full of mysteries and miracles.

Sannabe: I’m not a damned human, I’m a wolf!

Ozzy: Yeah yeah, whatever you say, toots.

And amazingly, after his half-transformation, the devoid coldness of his face softened and he gently lifted her from the ground and held her protectively. Alex just wanted to laugh, to cry out with joy and embrace the girl. But try as he did, there was nothing there; in this half-formed state, his every shred of emotion had been literally ripped from his heart and soul by the growing power of the curse, leaving nothing but hollow shells.

Cas: So he’s basically a Nobody, then?

Grey: Yeah, but one of the weak Nobodies who aren’t good enough for the Organization.

Cas: Well, of course.

“It’s a very touching scene,” Eboshi said, moving closer to Alex, “The beautiful Princess Mononoke,

Grey: Honestly, I’m not sure why people keep saying that about Sannabe. San, I would understand more, but Sannabe? Nah.

Sannabe: I AM San, what are you talking abo-?!

*SMACK!*

Sannabe: OW!

Cas: You know, it’s not good to lie to people.

being held lovingly in the arms of the mysterious outlander who possesses the power of the demons.” She stopped and snickered, “It would bring a tear to my eyes if my eyes still had tears to shed.”

Ozzy: Oh shit, guys, check out Edgyboshi over here.

Goldie: Wow much drama. So grim. Very dark. Many cool.

Grey: Edge so sharp I cut myself on it.

Cas: Watch where you point that edge, you’ll put your eye out.

Rose: Stop being so edgy, you’re scaring the fox-squirrel.

Zack: So scare.

Alex lifted his gaze from the unconscious girl in his arms and fixed it on Eboshi’s sneering face. His golden yellow, glowing eyes were empty and cold.

Rose: Why’d he have to have golden eyes? Now I need to start wearing color-changing lenses like Contacts does.

Ozzy: Thank God be turns into a pig instead of a cat, otherwise I’d actually be mad.

“I won’t let you kill her,” he said, “You… or that Ghost Princess, Yashahime.”

“I’m sure she’ll will make a lovely bride for you,” the Iron Town Mistress replied.

*Sannabe visibly gags*

Goldie: Hey, what do you know, we agree on two things.

“However, I’m afraid that the people of this town may not share that sentiment.” She took another step forward, “That wolf-girl and her wolves have killed many of my workers, forcing those who are still alive to live in constant fear. The fifty foot wall that surrounds this town is proof, wouldn’t you agree, Alex?”

Ozzy: Makes sense to me.

Rose: I find no fault in that statement.

Grey: I’d want to try and keep psychotic murderers out, too.

Cas: It’s called self-preservation for a reason, right?

Goldie: Yeah, no, Eboshi is 100% correct.

The young outlander shook his head slowly. And I wonder how that wall came to be, or why the Wolf Princess had to take so many lives,” Alex just sighed as he stood up, his face still hidden, “Why couldn’t you just have left the Forest alone… or at least tried to build a better Iron Town. One that lived in harmony with the Gods and the Spirits of the Forest?” His eyes narrowed becoming more alive, “All you seem to care about is the iron and the profits it makes. Greed has burned a hole in not only your heart, but everyone’s in this town. You’ll never have enough; you don’t care what you have to do, or the lives you destroy in the process, including killing the Forest Spirit, Shisha Gami!” He looked down at the silent Princess Mononoke and brushed a strand of hair out of her face, “This barley alive girl is proof, wouldn’t you agree Eboshi?”

*All of Team Paragon breaks down in hysterical laughter*

Grey: Oh come off it, Killian, you stupid little hypocrite! You’re only parroting someone else’s words to look good for Sannabe, and we all know it!

Rose: Seriously, before he bumped into Sannabe, Alex didn’t even care about what was going on between the forest and Irontown, he was just trying to get to Irontown and see what he could learn about getting rid of his curse. Hearing him feign concern now? That’s a damn funny joke.

Cas: What makes it more funny is that he’s trying to sound smart, but it only makes him look even stupider. “You’ve been consumed by greed, you only want to take iron rather than live in harmony with the forest-” Yeah, believe it or not, Killian, but those people’s livelihoods sort of depends on how much money they have to work with! Funny thing, isn’t it?

Ozzy: Nevermind the fact that, you know, they WERE trying to mind their own business, and the forest denizens got pissy with them for it, so here Killian is trying to lay the blame of the violence on Eboshi when she wasn’t even the one who pulled the pin! Fucking NAGO started it, because the small mining community that was Irontown was starting to encroach too far, and rather than try to peacefully warn them, he just jumped straight to “fuck these nerds!”

Goldie: I swear to God, his logic is so one-dimensional, it’s almost sad.

Sannabe: How dare you blame the forest for your problems! You wouldn’t even have them if you had just stayed awa-!

*One by one, all five members of Team Paragon smack Sannabe*

Sannabe: Ow! Stop-! You-! Why-? OW!

Eboshi’s self composed expression slowly shifted into a look of disgusted shock, and her entire body quavered.

*Cas sighs and flips open a dictionary*

Cas: Quaver. Meaning: “sing in trills or quavers.” First recorded in the 1530s. Related: Quavered; quavering. noun. 1560s, in music, “eighth note,” from quaver (verb). It takes me less than two minutes to do this using a book, and the author can’t even take the two seconds using the internet to figure this shite out. Pathetic.

“The moment I laid eyes on you, Alexander,” she began. “I saw a piece of myself that I had long forgotten looking back at me,”

Goldie: Eboshi, kindly remove your head from your ass, you’re spewing a whole load of nonsense right now.

She then allowed a sad smile to spread across her face for only a second as she replied, “We’re the same you and I. We’re both monsters, cursed with sins that can never be atoned for.”

Goldie: We’ve reached critical edginess!

Grey: Brace for many cuts!

“I’m nothing like you Eboshi,” Alex retorted, “The only difference between us is that my demon’s capable of being shown physically.”

Ozzy: Was that supposed to be a snappy comeback?

Rose: Weak.

Cas: I notice that Sannabe seems to get incredibly quiet now when the topic isn’t about her. Do you think the slapping made some kind of difference?

Zack: That, or SC didn’t really have the dialogue between her and us as planned out as he thought.

[…Shit. How do I even respond to that? -SC]

“Perhaps. But when I look at you now, holding the girl who lives only to slay me, I realize that unlike this town and its people, I will never be able to make you mine.”

Goldie: It’s adorable that Stone-Man85 seriously thinks any woman would cast a second glance at Alex.

The young woman took another step forward and raised her sword. “Forgive me, Alexander, but I’m getting bored of your curse now,” she then drew out her other blade as she stated, “Let me just cut the damn thing off!” with that said, she thrusted the blade forward, only to have him dodge it.

Ozzy: Eboshi, you watched him fuck shit up with his curse, and you seriously thought you could just chop his arm off? I hate admitting it, because Alex is scum who doesn’t deserve any leg-ups, but you don’t really have a prayer, here.

Grey: We, on the other hand, would trash Alex’s useless arse.

Ozzy: Oh, absolutely.

And before she could retaliate, he slammed his fist hard into her gut. The force of impact caused the wind to get blown out of her, and she slumped into Alex’s arm, completely unconscious.

Goldie: Sadly, this is canon. Ashitaka knocked San and Eboshi both out to end their squabble. What ISN’T canon is Alex saving San from a beatdown and punching out Eboshi, though, so I still get to call bullshit on him.

“Milady!” several women cried out as they rushed towards their fallen mistress, like a group of mothers coming to the aid of an injured infant. A few others stood around her protectively, clutching their staves tightly.

Rose: Soccer Moms, form barrier!

Cas: Pfft.

Alex ignored the women’s hateful glares and slowly rose to his feet, as he now scooped up the Princess Mononoke, and held her in his arms. The scene almost looked like a part in a story; where the dashing armored prince held the princess tightly but gently in his arms, laying down his life to protect hers,

Cas: Do I need to slap Alex, too?

“I’m leaving now,” he called out, “and I’m taking the wolf-girl with me.”

“Oh, no you’re not!” a woman suddenly jumped out from the crowd of astonished townspeople and stood in Alex’s path. A match-lock rifle was resting on her shoulder, its muzzle aimed at the youth’s heart, “No one treats my Lady Eboshi like that and just walks away!” her arms were shaking as was her entire body, “I won’t let an outlander like you humiliate her, I won’t let you! “

Grey: Well, shut up and shoot him, then. You’ll be a bloody hero.

The dark-haired youth stopped and stared at the woman; he didn’t even bat an eyelid at this scene. Alex just stood there, staring at the woman, until he started walking again, drawing closer to her, “S-Stop!” she cried, tears welling in her eyes, “Stop or I’ll shoot!” but he didn’t stop, I mean it. Outlander! Don’t come any closer! She closed her eyes and press her fingers against the rifle’s trigger mechanism.

Grey: Just. Shoot. Him.

Ozzy: The author needs to figure out how quotation marks work, first.

Rose: The author needs to go back to English class, period.

Goldie: Well, we’re gonna go ahead and call it here this week, folks. Thanks for reading and such, now we gotta get rid of Sannabe somehow. And by the way, this riff makes me feel less and less like a superhero every time we get involved. Anyhow, uh, have a good one, I guess? I mean, I’m not sure what next week’s gonna look like, I’m not SC so I’m not bound to finishing this riff. Later, people!

*Grey’s cellphone rings*

Grey: Oh, hang on, someone’s calling me… Ah, sod it, I’ll just put it on speaker. Hello? Who’s this, now?

Baby voice: Buh?

Grey: …Oh, I think it’s your guys’ mum. Sounds like she got toddler’d again.

Ozzy: Didn’t we just fix her, though?

Glasses’ voice: Uh, actually, no. This time it’s not me.

Rose: Oh, well that answers that, then.

Grey: Well, if it isn’t Aunt Glasses, then who-?

Glasses’ voice: Ack! No! Little miss Shadesie, cellphones are not food-!

*Abruptly, the call ends*

Cas: …So, it’s our mum, then. Nice.

Grey: Bet you a dime to a dollar that it was Goldie’s mum’s fault.

Goldie: Of fucking course it was. No mother should ever put her son in a position of calling her hopeless, but God damn it, here we are.

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23 Comments on “1388: Legendary Adventures, Futuristic Saviors – Chapter Eleven, Part Seven”

  1. SC says:

    Author comment: I’m gonna go ahead and just admit that I’m not happy with how this riff came out. You can tell I was rushing to get shit done, because my writing isn’t as good as I usually try and make it.

  2. batjamags says:

    I just don’t even know what to say about this fic. My capacity for one-liners is crushed by all the emotion I’m not feeling in reaction to what shape Alex’s shoulder pad is. Ooh, it’s round. Glad we cleared that up. Otherwise I would’ve thought it was a different shape, and that would’ve been horrible.

    • SC says:

      And the author insists upon jacking off about it every single opportunity he can create for himself to do so.

      I sincerely hope Stone-Man85 works up the nerve to come here and read my riffs, then he can see for himself just how obnoxious it is.

    • TacoMagic says:

      I gotta say, this fic is nearly, nearly as uninteresting as Eighth Spirit.

  3. Sannabe: Any human who doesn’t hate me would be awestruck by my beauty!

    Cain: *Glances at Sannabe* Yeah, not seeing it.

  4. Cas: We’re not human, first of all. Humans don’t usually come back to life after they get killed, interestingly enough.

    Cain: I honestly don’t think anyone from the fourth millennium is human by the standards of any of your times.

  5. TacoMagic says:

    his face now was completely devoid of emotion, except for a look of calm anger at now.

    Authors! Stahp with the wishy-washy narrative! Contradicting yourself three times in one sentence is not how you build the reader’s confidence in the narrator.

  6. TacoMagic says:

    “The moment I laid eyes on you, Alexander,” she began. “I saw a piece of myself that I had long forgotten looking back at me,”

    “My younger, much stupider self. Man, am I glad I’m not that much of an idiot anymore. Jeez, looking at you, I can’t believe I was that stupid!”

  7. Swenia says:

    Goldie: It’s adorable that Stone-Man85 seriously thinks any woman would cast a second glance at Alex.

    You see that kind of self-delusion a lot in boys. In man-children, too, but I think the term “boy” covers that group pretty well.

    • Swenia says:

      The scene almost looked like a part in a story; where the dashing armored prince held the princess tightly but gently in his arms, laying down his life to protect hers,

      And I’m sure that makes him think he’s entitled to some hero romance. Hate to tell you, cupcake, but saving a person doesn’t entitle you to some hot princess nookie. Doesn’t even entitle you to demand more respect. At best, it might give you a reason to sleep better at night.

      • SC says:

        Yeah, but it’s this fic, so inevitably, a friendship will spark, then quickly lead to romance, and then they’ll have sex.

        This is why I don’t usually like reading anything tagged “romance.”

      • "Lyle" says:

        You’re giving it a lot more credit than it deserves. There will be no friendship level to this. It’s going to dive right into hero-worship and Sannabe becoming his dick ornament.

      • SC says:

        You know, I hate to say you might be right, but…

    • Syl says:

      Makes them marvelously easy to manipulate, though. Bat the lashes, plump up the cleavage, squeal a touch over the size of a bicep, and they come to heel like an eager puppy. Almost feel sorry for the delusional bastards.

  8. TacoMagic says:

    The young woman took another step forward and raised her sword. “Forgive me, Alexander, but I’m getting bored of your curse now,”

    Suddenly, Eboshi channels the audience.


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