1384: My Little Unicorn: Magic is Believing (That still means nothing) Chapter 16

Title: My Little Unicorn:  Magic Is Believing
Author: Dakari-King Mykan
Media: Cartoon
Topic: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL:  Chapter 16
Critiqued by Erttheking

Ert: You know what’s kinda funny? The TV Tropes page for this story, the one that says less than kind things about it, get priority over this if you Google My Little Unicorn.

Nora: Is this before or after the Binding of Issac item?

Ert: After.

Nora: Ouch.

Goeth: Now then, onward.

Fight in the Dimesnion of Darkness PT 1

Ert: PT? PT? What, was Part too big to fit into a fanfiction.net chapter? I’m going to go check…NOPE! Fight in the Dimension (Not dimesnion you fucking twat) of Darkness part 1 fits in just fine! There’s only two possible explanations for this. Mykan is trying to sound profound, or he thinks that you can’t just put “part” in for some godforsaken reason. Probably the same reason he thinks that his stories need to have 26 chapters, along with two parters, because he thinks he’s writing a script for a TV show.

Nora: This guy operates in weird little ways. Maybe the word “part” gave him PTSD along with Teen Titans

Lightning had hardly gotten too much sleep lately, as he couldn’t seem to expel the thoughts of Serpent-Tyrant from his mind, and even if he did manage to get a little sleep, he would then have a recurring nightmare from his past… the time when his parents were killed by that monster!

Goeth: Deary dear, it seems something has been neglecting their dictionary. Recurring: “occur again, periodically, or repeatedly.” Since this dream has never been shown before, apparently only happening for the first time tonight, it is not a recurring dream. Even if he had it multiple times in the same night, calling it recurring is pushing it a tad bit far. This is why you need a dictionary Mykan.

Then he’d wake up with a terrified gasp.

Krysta was getting worried about Lightning and decided he go see Penny for a physical. So he did…

Nora: Physical? There’s nothing wrong with his body. A physical is called that for a reason, it’s to see if there’s anything physically wrong with you. He’d want to go see a psychiatrist, someone who deals with the mind and not with the body.

Goeth: *Holds up dictionary* It holds so much information Mykan. All you have to do is open it.

Penny gave Lightning a thorough physical, and even asked him some psychological, and somewhat confusing and pointless questions,

Ert: Why is a physician playing psychiatrist? Those are two incredibly different fields. Or is Mykan one of those morons who thinks that doctor is a person who can do absolutely everything medical?

Goeth: Yeah only I can work with cybernetics and radical genetic reconstruction!

by the end of the exam all Penny could suggest was not think about it and try to take his mind off it. “Here… this will help.” Penny said as she readied a shot for him.

“Say…! What are you doing?” Lightning asked nervously when he saw the needle.

Nora: Well your friends brought back an elf from another dimension. The Grand Ruler has ordered all of those who saw it and heard about it to be eliminated. You will become an un-person. You will never have existed.

Penny explained that medicine she was giving would help relax him so he wouldn’t have the nightmare for a bit and remain calm. “It might make you sleepy though when you least expect it, but it’s for your own good.”

Ert: I feel like that’s something that should be taken in pill form. If you’re injecting something directly into his blood stream that sounds like more like you’re trying to sedate him, meaning that he’d be passing out in a minute. Is this woman a real doctor? Either she really is trying to kill him or she doesn’t know what she’s doing.

Goeth: It looks like her diploma is from an online course that only lasted six months. Well are we really surprised? Did anyone expect a country under the control of the Grand Ruler to have a decent education system?

Ert: No, but it’s nice to have it confirmed.

“Okay… you’re the doctor.” Lightning said. Then he felt the needle prick him, “Ouch…!”

“There! All done…” Penny said.

“Thanks for nothing.” Lightning remarked. Krysta couldn’t help but giggle.

Nora: HUR HUR! Lightning’s pain amuses me! Actually why the hell am I being sarcastic? Lighting’s pain DOES amuse me!

Goeth: Yes, but we must escalate it. I wonder what happens when you inject a Unicorn with the Forced Evolutionary Virus.

Nora: You make everyone feel guilty by association.

Titan’s minions had been training for a while, and now they were still in their knight forms, and had been that way for a while without feeling too weak.

Ert: Those feel like two different thoughts that could’ve been separated. I doubt too much trouble would’ve arisen from that.

Nora: Periods are the enemy Ert! COMMAS COMMAS COMMAS! That’s all we need!

“Ha, ha, ha… I’ve never felt so strong before since ever.” chuckled Rep-Stallion as he smashed a rock to pieces with one swing of his double-bladed scythe.

Ert: So do you feel stronger than when you first transformed? Because from what I’ve been reading, you’ve been building endurance, not strength. You should be feeling just as strong, you just get fatigued less easily.

Nora: Ert, stop trying to inject logic into this story.

Ert: *Grumbles* It’s my defense mechanism.

Nora: I know, but it’s secretly depressing you isn’t it?

Ert: Might be …

They had also learned new projectile attacks, and Dementia was having a fun with those. “Nya, ha, ha… Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who’s the pretties and strongest of all?” she kept on saying.

Goeth: I don’t know. Let’s say the winner gets a golden apple and see where that goes.

Ert: Did you do that the first time?

Goeth: Oh I wish. All I ever did was release a beast that got killed by some joker with a ball of thread.

“Are we ready now?” Mysterious asked. The others nodded in agreement. “Those unicorns have made fools of us one too many times.” growled Dementia.

Nora: If they had made fools of us one less time it would’ve been acceptable levels of humiliation. But that last time? THEY CROSSED A LINE!

Rep-Stallion ran his fingers across his scythe blades, “But what goes around… is about to about to come around.”

Ert: Something that doesn’t really mean much in this context. It’s just trying to end the scene with something that sounds like a movie trailer quote. “Fight or die!” “You were born to do this!” “From the people who brought you Transformers!”

Lightning still went to work, eventually stopping off at the library to help Inquerius sort and stack extra piles of books for her. “Feel any better yet?” Krysta asked.

Ert: Ok, are you helping her or are you doing it for her? Those are two very different things. Is Mykan trying to pad out his sentences to make them sound more elegant than they could ever hope to be?

Nora: Do you really need to ask?

Ert: Apparently. It’s kinda my job.

“Well… I do feel less agitated.” Lightning answered “I don’t even feel tired.”

Goeth: Yeah that’s a lie. There’s no drug that can be injected into your bloodstream makes you feel less agitated and less tired. You could feel less tired, you could feel less agitated, but the two don’t really go that well together.

“Why would you feel tired?” Inquerius asked. Lightning would’ve said don’t ask, but then again that was like telling Inquerius not to talk as she only asked questions.

Ert: Something that I’m perfectly on board with. Then again if it were up to me I’d also be telling Rhymey to not talk. And Krysta. And Lightning. And the Grand Ruler. Fuck it, I’d be telling everyone to shut up.

“I’ll be fine. It’s no big deal.”

Nora: Way to utterly dodge the question, asshole. Why do bad fics keep rehashing this one annoying cliche? Having a person ask a question and then getting a reply that has NOTHING to do with the question? Seriously! It keeps coming back up! Over and over again! Why? What’s so enthralling about it?

After all the books were sorted, Lightning and Krysta prepared to leave, when he ran into Starla, who was carrying large pile of more books and couldn’t see where she was going. “Oh… Lightning…” she said.

Goeth: She seems to have x-ray vision, seeing as how she didn’t move the books and can see through them to identify Lightning. So Lightning, we might want to pencil in an appointment. There’s a good chance that you have cancer if she’s had this for awhile.

Ert: Every day I wonder how far I can go with you until I go to far.

Goeth: Well there’s only one way to find out.

Lightning began to feel a little shy. “Hi… Hi… Starla. Sorry about that.”

“No I’m sorry.”

“No, no, no… it was my fault.”

Nora: What is this, a Canadian stand off? Let’s cut out the middle man, you’re both at fault. There, now we can move on.

They kept exchanging apologies back and forth, until they realized they were gazing into each other’s eyes. They both turned away giggling and blushing softly. Krysta just rolled her eyes at how typical they were acting.

Ert: I’m with the small, annoying, Fern-Gully rip off. Not only did they prolong the Canadian stand off far longer than they needed to, they’re just being a bunch of annoying twits right now. “I so sorry, I wuv you, I wost in your eyes.” It’s deep and engaging romance and written by a five-year-old. No screw that, a five-year-old could write better than Mykan.

Nora: At least a five-year-old would come up with interesting scenarios. Like a planet made out of pizza or dragons that breathe marshmallows.

As Lighting helped Starla gather her books and take them back to her room in the tower, he playfully asked. “Don’t I owe you a milkshake?”

Ert: No you don’t. Moving on.

Nora: Nothing to see here folks. Mykan is calling back to a situation that never happened in the story, we can declare it non-canon. Heck, we have evidence that this entire chapter is non-canon thanks to that. Can we go home now?

Starla’s ears perked up, and she blushed. “I… I don’t know…” she said “Do you… want… do you want to…?”

“See you after work?” Lightning teased.

“Sure…I’d love to.” Starla peeped softly.

Ert: … Is “milkshake” slang for fucking in this world?

Goeth: Wouldn’t put it past them. And here I was so hopeful that we had found a place that was free of the obsessive human compulsion to procreate.

Nora: So what does that make play-date slang for? Second base?

Ert: Let’s say yes and move on!

They were gazing at each other like standing in a flowery warm meadow. Krysta liked seeing this.

Ert: Gazing at each other like fucking what now? Author, you don’t describe actions with verbs. They already are verbs! You use ADVERBS to describe verbs! English 101!

As soon as she and Lightning left, Krysta couldn’t help but say “Lightning… don’t you think you and Starla should do more than just these simple dates?”

Nora: Oh my God, the fairy wants them to fuck. Krysta is a voyeur. I wanted this story to have more mature themes but I wasn’t expecting this!

Lightning was confused. “What do you mean?”

Krysta explained that he and Starla had such great times together, and were obviously getting warmer with each other. “Why don’t you just ask her to be your mare-friend?”

Goeth: This is a pun that doesn’t even work in terms of being a bad pony pun.

Nora: No Goeth, it’s not a pony. It’s a unicorn! It’s totes different!

Goeth A mare is a fully grown female horse, making it a pony version of woman. Krysta essentially said that Starla should be his woman-friend. I suppose you could argue that it could be lady-friend, but that sounds more like she’s encouraging casual sex, which doesn’t match with the saccharine nature of this story. She should have said filly-friend, which would roughly translate out to girl-friend. Learn your zoology, Mykan.

Lightning’s face turned red and he almost felt stressed out, but the medicine helped him not panic.

Ert: Well “almost” does work there. Though I’m getting concerned that he’s still moving about so much if he’s still doped up.

Nora: Why am I wondering if this country has recreational drug use?

Ert: I’m doing the same, you’re not alone.

Nora: Probably wouldn’t anyway. It wouldn’t fit with the Grand Ruler’s clean kingdom.

“Uh… I… oh… gee…!” However, he decided not to deny it. He had been thinking about it for a while, but kept on deciding against it. Not just because he was nervous and things like that, but also because of the dangers…!

Always having to fend off against evil forces and risking themselves in so many ways. Especially since Lightning was the primary target of Titan’s minions and who knew what or who else would be after him. This meant that Starla would be in danger too.

Ert: She’s already in danger you twat! Titan’s minions have been targeting your entire group of friends! If you want to do the cliche “hero severs connections to protect loved ones” then you need to go all the way and completely cut off contact with them. And with EVERYONE! Are you breaking off your friendship with Krysta? The person who’s already been kidnapped? No? Why’s that? Oh right, you’re a hypocritical asshole that’s why, and this plot thread only exists to drag out the non-existent drama of whether or not you and Starla would get together. If this was a major concern you NEVER would’ve gone out on that first date (oh I’m sorry, play-date, because this story is blander and safer than a rice cake). So fuck off with this bullshit.

Nora: To be frank very few stories do this well. A hero always maintains connections that will be exploited, and people who they break off contact with tend to get attacked and kidnapped anyway. It’s false drama, pure and simple

“I can’t do that to her. It isn’t fair. She doesn’t deserve it.”

Krysta felt touched by how much Lightning showed his concern,

Goeth: Being irrational is touching? Why am I labeled as the insane one?

Ert: Because you have a higher body count.

Goeth: I’m apologizing for nothing.

but she implied that he was overreacting. “You both have had your shares of adventures, and hardships, and Starla understands.”

Lightning realized maybe that was true.

Nora: Wow. I know I said it was false drama but usually stories don’t admit it a paragraph later.

“I just don’t think I’m ready to ask her yet.”

Krysta understood and promised she wouldn’t try to force him.

Ert: Even though they dropped him not getting into a relationship for her own good (Bullshit) they’re still dragging this out. Because suspense. I guess. Does anyone actually like this? People who are obviously going to get together but they just don’t for a stupidly long time?

Nora:  To be honest I thought they already were in a relationship.  What with them going out on … ugh.  Play dates.

Suddenly, the sounds of wicked evil laugher echoed from above as the skies went dark. “Oh no…! What now…?” grumbled Lightning as he and Krysta looked way up. There, in the skies above the kingdom, were images of Titan’s minions, all in their knight forms.

“Attention, Lightning Dawn…!” Mysterious hissed “We know that you can hear us. So listen carefully.”

Goeth: I feel like their methods of communication are getting less and less effective. This way they’re letting the entire kingdom know where they’re going to be when they call him out. The Grand Ruler could form a task force to take them out, or just go there himself.

Ert: He’s not going to, probably because he’s taking bets on which of Lightning’s friends will die first, but he could if he wanted to.

The minions had challenged Lightning to a duel, and he was free to gather as many of his friends as he wanted. It made no difference to them. “Meet us at the top of Blacktop Mountain after sundown tonight!” said Rep-Stallion. “We’ve prepared an extra special battlefield just for this occasion.”

Dementia stepped forward “…And believe us… when we say that refusal to accept our challenge is unacceptable.” She waved her hand and the images faded into images of the whole kingdom in grave peril. Fires, storms, freeze-ups…!

Ert: The fuck is a freeze-up?

Nora: I find this kind of laughable. They’re threatening to wreck havoc across the entire kingdom, despite their inability to cause even the most minor of damage. Whatever new powers they got, there’s no way in hell that they’re now stronger enough to sack an entire kingdom by themselves.

Lightning and Krysta couldn’t blink.

Goeth: Darn it, their nervous systems are acting up again. This is what happens when you go cheap on the PPC’s TOCP (Totally Original Character Package). They’re not put together properly.

The images faded back to the minions who promised that if Lightning didn’t show up and accept the duel they would do just as they had seen to the kingdom, this time… for real!

Nora: *Snort* Sure they will kid. An entire country and not a single person will be able to stop three idiots who have the collective IQ of a particularly dimwitted puppy.

Ert: Even then, a puppy would be able to learn to recognize patterns, Pavlov proved that.

Goeth: Ah, nothing quite like looking back on classic experiments. My favorite is the Stanford Prison experiment.

“Sundown, Lightning Dawn…!” snapped Mysterious “What shall it be? Think it over… but not too long.”

Nora: Well it’d probably take him awhile to get there considering that we never saw any evidence that the city he’s in was near a mountain. Then again with how short the trips to all the major settlements are in this story, I’m starting to wonder if this country is the size of Rhode Island.

The images faded, and the skies cleared up. So many had already fallen into panic and were preparing for an obvious lockdown at sunset.

Ert: Yeah, how exactly are they going to wreck havoc when everyone knows that they’re coming and will be behind protective forcefields? Forcefields that have yet to been penetrated?

Goeth: Depends if the PPC FFBP has arrived yet (Force-Field Bust Package).

Ert: You used to be a corporate shill, didn’t you?

Goeth: That’s what I wanted people to think.

“Krysta…?”

“Yeah…?”

“Let’s get the others. I’m accepting this challenge!”

Ert: Is anyone surprised? This guy always charged forward dick – I mean horn at the ready.

Lightning and Krysta held the meeting at Lightning’s house and gathered as many of their friends as they knew could help in battle…

Buddy Rose, Artie, Rhymey, Dyno and Myte, and Starla too. They all had seen and heard the threat from the minions, and were willing to accept the challenge with Lightning.

Nora: I love how Starla, Lightning’s freaking love interest, gets thrown in at the end like she’s an afterthought.

Ert: And that they had to clarify that they had heard the giant people on the sky screaming at them. Also Abra and Cookie Dough aren’t here because the author didn’t feel like it. Kinda sad, considering Cookie Dough was one of the few people who could throw an attack that actually had impact.

“It’s a chance that we must not miss,
They’ll destroy our kingdom, and that’s their promise.” said Rhymey.

Ert: Just get out Rhymey. You never contribute to anything.

“Si…! I agree. We can’t let that happen.” said Dyno. His brother nodded in agreement.

Krysta just returned with a message from The Grand Ruler and how he wouldn’t let any harm befall the kingdom, and promised to keep a closer eye at night for any trouble.

Ert: I promise to bravely sit on my ass and let you take care of all of the problems.

Still, some of them were very concerned about the battle and felt the minions were leading them straight into a trap.

Goeth: If it is, it’s a very poorly constructed and obvious trap. But they’re going to walk right into it anyway, so them being aware of it being a trap just makes them seem idiotic. More so than usual.

After all, it seemed obvious that they had mastered their new powers and it wasn’t known how much stronger they were now. “We were hardly able to beat them the last time.” Buddy Rose pointed out “Who knows what new tricks they got.”

Nora: Again, they were just training endurance. They should be the same level as the time they almost trounced your. But no, MLP needs more DBZ.

That didn’t discourage most of the gang. They, themselves, had kept to their training and even learned new tricks too.

Ert: Somewhere off screen. Over there somewhere.

“So… I guess it’s decided…?” asked Artie.

Lightning nodded. “It’s tonight… or never.” he put his hove in the center, and everyone else put their hooves on top of one another, and Krysta stood on the very top.

Goeth: I think the poor things are suffering from memory loss, considering they came here to decide to fight the minions and then they had to reaffirm that that’s what they were there to do. Perhaps Alzheimer’s can develop at an early age for unicorns.

With that decided, everyone went off, Starla hesitated for a moment. “Stalra…? You okay…?” asked Lightning. Starla seemed really nervous something. “Lightning… I…” she choked on her words and then decided “Never mind…” and then she was gone.

Ert: Blah blah blah, poorly written romance, skipping the rest to get to the next scene.

It was starting to get late and the sun would start to set soon. Titan’s minions, in the regular forms, were already at the Peak of Blacktop Mountain and patiently awaiting the arrival of their enemies. “It won’t be much longer now.” hissed Mysterious.

“Well I wish they’d hurry.” groaned Rep-Stallion “I want to have at these little pests and teach them a lesson they won’t soon forget.”

Nora: Well if you don’t want to wait, you should’ve either told them to show up earlier or you should’ve waited before showing up yourself. But no, you need to have Rep-Stallion complain, because he’s so one-dimensional he’s not good for much else.

“Make sure you save some for Me.” growled Dementia as she prettied herself up, trying to hide a few of the bruises she still sustained in past battles.

Goeth: Ah, there’s an interesting implication about these people. Their wounds don’t heal properly, considering the worst that could’ve happened to Dementia is getting kicked in the face by a little fairy. See what I meant about them not being put together very well?

The others still couldn’t believe her. She was going to get dirty again anyway. “Never mind her…” Mysterious said as he gazed back at the setting sun. “Hmm, mm, mm…! Come to us, our prey!”

Nora: Mysterious, you’re talking to yourself again.

Ert: SHUT UP! I’M EVIL! THIS IS WHAT EVIL PEOPLE DO!

Lightning and Krysta were already soaring toward Violet Swamp,

Ert: I think this is the same swamp from the second chapter. If it is, allow me to make up for lost time. How the shit is a swamp violet?

one by one they met with their friends until the gang was all together. They soared over the thickets and brambles of the swamp and could see the mountain up ahead. “Let’s go…!” shouted Lightning, and everyone headed straight for the top landing near the shrine where their adventures first began.

Ert: Yup it is. And for some reason they couldn’t just fly over the swamp the first time, but now they can. Either the author forgot, couldn’t think of anything else for them to do in the swamp, or just didn’t care.

Nora: All three are possible.

Goeth: Can’t argue with that.

The gang all looked around. “Where are they…?” asked Artie.

“They better not have set us up…!” snapped Myte.

Nora: The obviously evil people being less than honest. And you yourself were concerned that this would end up being a trap. If this was any less of a twist it would be a straight line.

That’s when the sounds of the minions’ laughter were heard. “Well, well… right on time.” said Mysterious. Then, the area began to warp around everyone. “Hey…! What’s going on?” called Buddy-Rose.

“This is like some scary book!

I don’t even think I want to look!” cried Rhymey.

Goeth: What books does he read?

Nora: Ones with underwritten and annoying characters, it seems.

In a quick zap, they all had vanished from sight…

Goeth: There was someone watching them if they disappeared from someone’s sight. I knew those sentient rocks were a good idea.

Ert:  They kill people.

Goeth:  Do you know me?

They suddenly landed with a thud in a dark and eerie place. Dark grounds, dark skies. It was all dark! Bits and pieces and mounts of rubble, and corpses and skeletons. Small fog layers, eerie winds, a large castle…!

Nora: Wait, I stopped paying attention. Was it dark? And are all the corpses and skeletons dark? And how is the wind eerie?

BOOM! Lightning and thunder shaking the skies…!

Goeth: Thunder lights up the area. Doesn’t work that well with the whole dark theme.

Dyno and Myte jumped and held each other fearfully whimpering “No Me Gusta! No Me Gusta!”

Ert: … Fine.

Ert: Mykan, your stereotypes are on the level of Trey Parker and Matt Stone. With none of the hilariously dark comedy.

Nora: Who even whispers “I don’t like this” when scared for their lives? They don’t, “no me gusta” was just the only negative Spanish phrase Mykan knew.

“What is this place…?” cried Starla “This isn’t Unicornicopia.”

Goeth: Oh yes it is. It’s just the forbidden zone. Where the Grand Ruler exiles the…undesirables.

The minions’ were heard laughing again! The gang turned round and there they were standing on a tall pile of rocks. “Welcome to our homeland.” hissed Mysterious.

“Homeland…?” asked Lightning “You mean this is…?”

Goeth: Not so much a homeland as it is a home dimension. They could call it homeland if they were focusing on the geographical area, but they only ever focus on the dimension that they’re in.

Krysta’s eyes bulged wide, “The Dimension of Darkness…!” It couldn’t be any other place. “Feel free to have a look around…” sniggered Dementia “This will be the last place you ever see… alive!”

Ert: So what, are they going to see other places dead? Because them not stopping and adding the qualifier of “alive” implies that.

The gang felt their courage building up and stood ready to fight. “We don’t care what tricks you pull on us!” snapped Artie.

“We’re not going to back down this time.” added Buddy Rose.

Nora: This time? Was there a previous time when they backed down? Mykan, words mean things. You can’t just dump a huge amount into your story rearrange them until they look halfway cute and then call it a day.

“Yeah…? Well neither are we.” said Rep-Stallion “There’s no running away this time. This is a fight to the end. We’ll see how you’re little believing will save you this time.”

“Enough chitchat! It’s time for battle!” snapped Mysterious. Then he and his teammates transformed into their knight forms, and let the others charge up and ready their weapons. “Well… we’re ready.” said Lightning “Let’s get them!”

Ert: Lightning always feels like he needs to add something just before something happens. Seriously, every time someone is about to take action, someone has to say something, proudly announcing what they’re doing. Can’t people just shut up and act?

The others all agreed and dashed forth like an army of soldiers charging.

Nora: The comparisons … so utterly soulless. So boring.

The minions stood where they were, not even moving and the gang seemingly jumped on them and began to attack full force, but when the dust had settled. “Huh…?” all they had done was hacked away at the pile of rocks, and the minions were nowhere to be seen.

Goeth: I thought some of these people had ranged attacks, how come they’re just running up and physically hitting them?

“Where’d they go?” asked Starla.

“I don’t know…” Rhymey said.

Ert: He didn’t rhyme, because even when it comes to shallow one-dimensional characters, Mykan keeps forgetting what their gimmick is. No counter because it technically isn’t him messing up a rhyme, but dear Lord, Mykan.

Mysterious waited while hiding in the shadows, thanks to mastering his powers, he could blend in with the darkness around him and hide easier and then, with almost no warning, he leapt forth just in time for everyone to see him, “SMOKE OF PAIN…!” fire powerful blasts of smoky magic that exploded on contact, knocking them all down.

Goeth: Smoke of pain is apparently a non-indicative name, as no one is actually in pain. *Holds up dictionary.* It won’t bite, I promise. It’s not my special edition.

“As Brain would say…” groaned Lightning “Well… now who’s a fool?”

Nora: He says that? I mean, YES he says that. That’s totally an established part of Brain’s character. Totally. For real.  Speaking of which, another character that wasn’t important enough to bring along.  Not like they could’ve used that invisible spray or anything.

The other two appeared beside him snickering. “Did you miss us…?” Dementia mocked. The gang went at them again only to miss and be shot by Rep-Stallion’s “BOLT OF THUNDER…!”

Ert: As opposed to another type of bolt? There aren’t that many, you know.

an attack that let him fire electrified pulses from his scythe.

Nora: Yeah, we kinda figured.

Everyone jumped out of the way just in time.

This was getting them nowhere. Every time they tried to even find the minions to even try and attack them the same thing happened. “I say we split up.” suggested Lightning.

Goeth: It only happened once, but then apparently Mykan got bored of writing so the just said that it happened a bunch of other times off screen.

Ert: How is this engaging? How can anyone find “And then a bunch of stuff happened” engaging in the slightest?

Nora: It’s not so much that, as it is the writer being lazy.

Some of the other didn’t like that idea. “Split up? Are you mad?” asked Dyno.

Nora: He’s Lightning, of course he is.

“We have to stick together, and form a plan.” added Myte.

“Oh, sure, this is a great plan.” snapped Starla “…staying in one place so they can get at us more easily…!”

Ert: Yeah, we should divide up so that they can overwhelm us more easily. Great plan, dumbass.

Nora: And he said that they needed to form a plan, not that they had one. Listen to what they’re saying.

Unable to argue with that… the team split up a bit. Lighting also yawned a little. “Are you okay?” asked Krysta.

“I’m fine.”

Goeth: Oh dear, it seems that that drug was a slow acting tranquilizer, courtesy of the PPC.

Ert: God, this is fucking stupid.

“They’ve split up.” hissed Mysterious.

“Heh, heh… just like we hoped.” chuckled Rep.

Nora: No they haven’t. They’re talking about it yeah, but they haven’t done it yet, people who are suddenly perspective characters for some reason.

“And now the real fun begins.” Dementia said then laughed, and they split up to attack each team.

Dementia went after Starla and the twins.

Rep went after Rhymey, Buddy, and Artie.

This left Mysterious to handle Lightning and Krysta. “This should be over soon.” hissed Mysterious.

Ert: And these are all different paragraphs why? It doesn’t make things look more impressive, more the opposite. A paragraph that can’t even break ten words is just downright laughable. Then again, Mykan is used to creating laughable things.

Goeth: Didn’t he do opera at one point?

Ert: Don’t mention that around Herr, I think he’s still angry.

“Not as soon as you think…!” snapped Krysta “Ready, Lightning…?”

Lightning yawned again, but answered “You bet!” and he dashed forth, only to have Mysterious kick him hard in his armor. “UGH…!” and sent him skidding along the ground into a rotted tree.

“Lightning!” shrieked Krysta.

Nora: Wow, who could’ve ever seen that one coming.

Lightning looked as if he had been knocked unconscious,

Ert: Blow me.

(Wishy Washy Narration Counter: 11)

Mysterious just laughed at how pitiful Lightning’s attempt was… until Lightning bolted upright, with a smirking grin, much to his annoyance.

Nora: Is he smirking or is he ginning? Pick one. That’s like saying, a smiling grimace.

“Looks, like you have gotten stronger…” Lightning teased, “But so HAVE WE…!” and he dashed forward faster than ever and bashed right into Mysterious sending him sailing onto a pile of rubble… CRASH!

Ert: Well well, Lightning charged forward mindlessly and actually did something. First time for everything. But you know the old saying. A broken clock is right twice a day.

Goeth: Considering how often he does this and only just now got tangible results, I’d say he’s getting inadequate returns on this investment.

“All right, Lightning…!” Krysta cheered.

Lightning smiled, but he yawned yet again. This was starting to get worrisome, but now wasn’t the time to concern about it. Mysterious had gotten up, and didn’t seem harmed at all.

Ert: I don’t even know why this story has so many fight scenes, since Mykan keeps going out of his way to emphasize that no one is getting hurt.

“Very impressive.” he hissed “Perhaps I underestimated you… or perhaps I HAVEN’T…!” and the fight continued.

Nora: Did he really just pull the NOT line? Is Mykan a time traveler from the 80s?

Goeth: No, that’d make sense, and nothing about him makes sense.

Nora: Touche.

Meanwhile, Rep-Stallion was showing off his new and improved swiftness by parrying his scythe against Rhymey’s sword and Artie’s spear.

Ert: That’s now how parrying works. You don’t parry your weapon, you parry your opponents weapon. I know Mykan jizzed his pants when he thought he was being clever, but he really should’ve double checked.

Two against one and he made the odds look equal. Even when a struggle was engaged, and Rep managed kick the both of them aside.

Goeth: So how do the odds look equal? Or does Myan think that 2=3?

“Hey…!” snapped Buddy Rose “No one doesn’t that to my friends! VINE SNARE…!” Using his vines, he yanked the scythe out of Rep-Stallion’s hands and grabbed it himself. “Ha-Ha! Looks the tables have turned! I got your weapon now.”

Ert: Yeah, it seems like a perfectly reasonable assumption to make. But Mykan hates logic, so I can’t wait to see how he screws this up for Buddy Rose.

Rep-Stallion didn’t seem the least bit concerned. “Easy pickings…!” he growled as he stuck out his arms and his hands glowed bright. The scythe began sparking and shocking Buddy hard that he was forced to let go, and the weapon returned to Rep.

Nora: So he was expecting to lose his weapon? That says more bad things about Rep than it does good things.

Ert: Guys, I found a way to get my weapon back if it’s stolen from me!

Nora: So you’re expecting it to get stolen?

Ert: No I … SHUT UP I’M AWESOME!

“You were saying…?” he mocked. “It looks like the tables have turned again, and my weapon is back with me. I’d never let it fall into the hands of anyone else… especially to the likes of you!”

Goeth: Well it did fall into their hands. You got it back, but you can’t turn back time, champ.

Buddy got back up after his shocking, and Rhymey and Artie came to his side. “We’re not done with you yet!” snapped Artie.

Ert: Well no one said that you were.

“This battle’s not through yet!” rhymed Rhymey as he gripped his sword tight, and as their battle continued…

Ert: Rhymed? RHYMED!? He just said the same ting that Artie did! THAT COUNTS AS RHYMING!? HTIS FUCKING *Sounds of breaking glass*

Goeth: Time for baby to have his nap.

Starla and the twins weren’t having much luck either, so many times they had launched their attacks, but Dementia’s swiftness and defences proved to be a bit much. Most of the attacks just missed her and those that hit her only made her angrier. “Do you know how long I spent shinning my armor?” she scolded, and she fired her newest projectiles in outrage, “COLDNESS OF DESTRUCTION…!”

Nora: I’d like to know how the hell she did that considering that it only appears when she transforms. Or did she maintain the form just so that she could make the armor look better? Because even for a character who only exists to make herself look good that’s flanderization.

She fired a swarm of ice shards at the others, “Jump!” cried Starla as she and the twins leapt out of the way as the ice flew past them and completely froze a pile of fallen trees and rubble. “Aye-Aye-Aye! Hace Frio!” cried Dyno.

Ert: Me mui mui racisto!

Both he and Myte were angry now,

Nora: Why?

and thought they’d try a “SHOCK ROCK WAVE!” They slammed the ground, but their attack didn’t work. No rock wave was formed. “Don’t waste your efforts!” snapped Dementia. “The ground here isn’t like yours back at home. It’s littered the bones and essences of the life forms that once existed here.”

Ert: It what now? What happened? Why doesn’t the attack work? I just … HUH!

Goeth: Ert, don’t you know? Blue!

Ert: YOU SHUT THE HELL UP!

The twins realized she was right. “Our ground attacks are useless…!” cried Myte

Nora: And now attacks have types. Well they’ve been ripping off pokemon Pokemon since day one, why not move on to giving attacks types?

“Well my attacks aren’t!” said Starla “QUASAR BEAM…!” Her beam fired, but Dementia just teleported, out of the way, and appeared right before Starla, slapping her hard in the face “AH…!” and knocking her down!

Nora: “Slap.” Can we file Mykan under sexist after that? We should’ve done it sooner with the only female villain being a prima donna over her looks, but I want to make it official.

Ert: And official it is.

Lightning saw this, “Starla…!” he shouted! Then he got hit from behind by Mysterious’ blasts. “AA-AAH…!”

Nora: MAN I SUCK!

Krysta hovered in and repelled the rest of the blasts with her defensive barriers, but the blasts were so hard she could hardly stand them herself. Then she noticed Lightning hadn’t gotten up yet. “Lightning…? Lightning… what’s wrong?”

Goeth: Well he just got hit in the back with a blast. That might be it. Also Krysta has defensive barriers.

Lightning didn’t seem to have the strength to get up, despite not being hurt even from the last attack. “I… I don’t know!” he said through a yawn “I feel so… dopey… drow….sy!” Then he drifted off into a deep, deep sleep. “Lightning…? Lightning!” cried Krysta.

Ert: You know, Lightning is really fucking stupid. He was drugged and he still thought it would be a good idea to go into battle without going to get something to counteract it. Then again the Grand Ruler probably did this on purpose.

Everyone else could see him. Lightning was just lying flat on the ground, hardly moving at all…!

Nora: So it’s a climatic battle, and Mykan was only comfortable making Lightning in peril because of his own bottomless stupidity. Uh-huh.

Ert: This fucking story. It has no idea what it wants to do, what it is, or what the purpose of this is. Are we sure Mykan didn’t put this together to troll everyone on the internet?

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68 Comments on “1384: My Little Unicorn: Magic is Believing (That still means nothing) Chapter 16”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    Ert: I feel like that’s something that should be taken in pill form. If you’re injecting something directly into his blood stream that sounds like more like you’re trying to sedate him, meaning that he’d be passing out in a minute. Is this woman a real doctor? Either she really is trying to kill him or she doesn’t know what she’s doing.

    What makes you think the two are mutually exclusive?

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    “Sure…I’d love to.” Starla peeped softly.

  3. AdmiralSakai says:

    They were gazing at each other like standing in a flowery warm meadow. Krysta liked seeing this.

    … is Krysta going to become this story’s Dobby?

    • SC says:

      You mean she isn’t already?

      Would I be a terrible person for hoping that she dies like Dobby, too?

      • batjamags says:

        Dramatically and heart-wrenchingly in the last book? No thanks, I’d rather she die a meaningless, off-screen death sometime in the near future. Gets her out of our hair faster.

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        I dunno, I’d prefer that they all die together, slowly and painfully, preferably in front of some recording equipment.

  4. SC says:

    Rhymed? RHYMED!? He just said the same ting that Artie did? THAT CIUNTS AS RHYMING! HTIS FUCKING

    ert_the_king.exe is experiencing difficulties.

  5. SC says:

    Why am I wondering if this country has recreational drug use?

    They have a real issue with Rainbow Daisy dealers hooking all the fillies up. Just not enough stallion power in Narcotics to cover every district, man.

  6. AdmiralSakai says:

    Always having to fend off against evil forces and risking themselves in so many ways. Especially since Lightning was the primary target of Titan’s minions and who knew what or who else would be after him. This meant that Starla would be in danger too.

    Ert: She’s already in danger you twat! Titan’s minions have been targeting your entire group of friends! If you want to do the cliche “hero severs connections to protect loved ones” then you need to go all the way and completely cut off contact with them. And with EVERYONE! Are you breaking off your friendship with Krysta? The person who’s already been kidnapped? No? Why’s that? Oh right, you’re a hypocritical asshole that’s why, and this plot thread only exists to drag out the non-existent drama of whether or not you and Starla would get together. If this was a major concern you NEVER would’ve gone out on that first date (Oh I’m sorry, play-date, because this story is blander and safer than a rice cake). So fuck off with this bullshit.

    Nora: To be frank very few stories do this well. A hero always maintains connections that will be exploited, and people who they break off contact with tend to get attacked and kidnapped anyway. It’s false drama, pure and simple

    Not to mention, Titan isn’t just going after Lightning for personal reasons; he has it in for this entire continent[?] and it’s only by sheer stupid coincidence that Lightning is always the one to stop his plans from going through.

  7. SC says:

    Nora: Periods are the enemy Ert! COMMAS COMMAS COMMAS! That’s all we need!

    Sounds like we’re gonna need to drag Nora off to the psych ward pretty quick, here.

    *A ninja prepares to interject*

    I said psych ward, not Ishi’s leech lab.

    *The ninja pauses, but ultimately decides against arguing*

  8. AdmiralSakai says:

    The other two appeared beside him snickering. “Did you miss us…?” Dementia mocked. The gang went at them again only to miss and be shot by Rep-Stallion’s “BOLT OF THUNDER…!” an attack that let him fire electrified pulses from his scythe.

    Wait, his scythe actually shoots things?

    Goddammit, Mykan! Stop reminding me of better shows!

  9. Another CRB says:

    Why does Rep – Stallion have arms , hands and fingers instead of hooves ? ( Or according to past chapters , ‘ hoves ‘ )

  10. batjamags says:

    Why is it that fictional romances turn both partners into stuttering assholes who can’t fricking communicate with each other? You’d think it would be more logical for people who find each other easy to talk to to get together. Oh, right. Logic. I forgot that Mykan doesn’t use that.

    • AdmiralSakai says:

      Why is it that fictional romances turn both partners into stuttering assholes who can’t fricking communicate with each other?

      Because the authors are stuttering assholes who can’t fricking communicate with their audience?

  11. batjamags says:

    Ert: Well almost does work there. Though I’m getting concerned that he’s still moving about so much if he’s still doped up.

    Nora: Why am I wondering if this country has recreational drug use?

    Ert: I’m doing the same, you’re not alone.

    Nora: Probably wouldn’t anyway. It wouldn’t fit with the Grand Ruler’s clean kingdom.

    Grand Ruler: Use of recreational drugs is punishable by death. Anyone who uses recreational drugs will be made an unperson. In other news: recreational drug use in Unicornanopeia is at 0%! Drugs are bad, kids! If you do drugs, the secret police will take you away to the dimension of darkness! This has been a PSA from your glorious and infallible ruler.

  12. batjamags says:

    Goeth: I think the poor things are suffering from memory loss, considering they came here to decide to fight the minions and then they had to reaffirm that that’s what they were there to do. Perhaps Alzheimer can be contracted at an early age for unicorns

    Alzheimer’s, you say, but I’m not so sure.

    Maybe it’s…

    *Puts on sunglasses*

    Dementia?

    YYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

    I’m sorry.

  13. batjamags says:

    No counter because it technically isn’t him messing up a rhyme, but dear Lord Mykan.

    I’d rather not think about the concept of Mykan being Lord of anything. The Grand Ruler is bad enough.

  14. batjamags says:

    Then again with how short the trips to all the major settlements are in this story, I’m starting to wonder if this country is the size of Rhode Island.

    Rhode Island? I think it’s about the size of Vatican City. Monaco at best.

    It is a bit too large to be Molassia, though…

  15. batjamags says:

    OK, so it’s theory time again.

    We established last chapter that the protagonists may be assholes, but they’re mostly just GR’s unwitting pawns. However, when OCD gardener and the guy who likes to grip his paint-brush spear nearly brought an elf into Uniscrewthisplace’snameia, the pawns got too close to figuring out the truth. So, GR sat on his ass and sent his forces into an obvious trap to get rid of them. Sure, losing the guy with the magical golden penis horn might be a minor setback, but stooges can be replaced. Quashing a potential rebellion is more important. And even if they succeed, GR’s other enemies are destroyed. It’s a perfect set-up.

    GoodJamags: Wow, you’ve gotta be pretty messed up to come up with something like that.

    Man, are you still invading my comments? Go back to your own universe. I’ve got enough problems with the Formless Voices.

    • GhostCat says:

      It’s bad when the voices start giving themselves names and butting in on your conversations, next thing you know they’re putting their feet up on your desk and going through your mail.

      :a paper airplane strikes Ghostie in the back of the head:

      Dammit, Syl! :picks up paper: THIS BETTER NOT BE A PAGE FROM MY NEW YARN CATALOG!

  16. Delta XIII says:

    Goeth: Yes, but we must escalate it. I wonder what happens when you inject a Unicorn with the Forced Evolutionary Virus.

    Nora: You make everyone feel guilty by association.

    I think merely being in the same building as Goeth makes us all implicitly guilty of genocide.
    At the very least.

  17. TacoMagic says:

    Lightning had hardly gotten too much sleep lately

    The fuck is that even supposed to mean? It seems to be suggesting that he infrequently sleeps in, which, poor baby.

  18. TacoMagic says:

    Ert: Why is a physician playing psychiatrist? Those are two incredibly different fields

    Not to take the fic’s side of this, but you’d actually be surprised (I certainly was). There are more than a few general practitioner docs who also handle psychiatric care. In fact, my family doc is also a practicing child psychiatrist and his partner has a psychiatric clinic for PTSD. At the hospital I work, most of the the docs in the mental health clinic also hold weekly slots in the general practice clinic.

    Apparently it’s only like a year of additional study beyond what doctors already have to take in order to practice psychiatry, so a lot of the general practice docs go that route in order to cover their bases better.

  19. TacoMagic says:

    “Ha, ha, ha… I’ve never felt so strong before since ever.”

    *Cringe*

    Is it me, or is the sentence composition in this chapter worse than it’s been in the previous ones?

  20. Swenia says:

    They kept exchanging apologies back and forth, until they realized they were gazing into each other’s eyes. They both turned away giggling and blushing softly.

    They should probably just have sex. If you’re gonna be all awkward around each other, you may as well get an orgasm out of the deal.

    Then again, with this “play date” crap, I’m not sure they’d be able to figure out that tab A goes into slot B.

    Well, B, C, and/or D depending on the mood you’re in.

    *A jet of ice-water blasts Swenia out of her chair*

    Thanks, Marcus, I think I needed that.

  21. TacoMagic says:

    “It’s a chance that we must not miss,
    They’ll destroy our kingdom, and that’s their promise.” said Rhymey.

    Nobody bothers to ask why the bads aren’t already destroying the kingdom if they actually had the power to carry through with their threat. Because this fic is way smarter than MLP.

    • erttheking says:

      Or why Titan didn’t use this before to destroy the kingdom. Something about Lightning having the uniforce. Now that I think about it, isn’t constantly seeking out the one guy who can kinda sorta oppose you really self defeating?

      • TacoMagic says:

        I’m convinced it’s part of the Grand Ruler’s machinations somehow.

      • batjamags says:

        Of course it is. The “kingdom” is the Grand Ruler’s regime, of which Lightning Dawn is the heir and top enforcer. There’s no way the regime’s going down if Lightning doesn’t. These guys are either stupid villains, or moderately intelligent freedom fighters.

  22. TacoMagic says:

    Mysterious just laughed at how pitiful Lightning’s attempt was… until Lightning bolted upright, with a smirking grin, much to his annoyance.

    Baaaaaa?

    Yeah, I dunno, dude. Maybe half-gong him?

    *GO*

    Close enough.

  23. TacoMagic says:

    “Do you know how long I spent shinning my armor?”

    Regardless of how long you did it, that sounds really fucking painful.

  24. TacoMagic says:

    Nora: And now attacks have types. Well they’ve been ripping off Pokemon since day one, why not move onto giving attacks types?

    Originally, I was jokingly pointing out the comparison thinking that it was just a coincidence. As this fic has progressed, I’ve become increasingly depressed that the joke turned out to be accurate.

  25. Addicted Reader says:

    They suddenly landed with a thud in a dark and eerie place. Dark grounds, dark skies. It was all dark! Bits and pieces and mounts of rubble, and corpses and skeletons. Small fog layers, eerie winds, a large castle…!

    No. Narration should not have exclamation points. Bad Mykan.

  26. "Lyle" says:

    “Meet us at the top of Blacktop Mountain after sundown tonight!” said Rep-Stallion.

    Is it just me, or did Rep-Stallion just challenge them to an epic B-ball game?

  27. "Lyle" says:

    Nora: I love how Starla, Lightning’s freaking love interest, gets thrown in at the end like she’s an afterthought.

    Well, she is the obligatory female so the author can say “Look, I’m not being sexist! There are girls in this, too!”

  28. Lina says:

    Goeth: Thunder lights up the area. Doesn’t work that well with the whole dark theme.

    Well, considering thunder is sound and not light, it actually would work well.


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