1377: My Little Unicorn: Magic is Believing (That still means nothing) Chapter 15

Title: My Little Unicorn:  Magic Is Believing
Author: Dakari-King Mykan
Media: Cartoon
Topic: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL:  Chapter 15
Critiqued by Erttheking

Ert: Well now that my week is a little more cleared up, lets get back to the old grind.

Nora: Well this’ll be fun, nothing quite like this drek to get the blood going.

Shepard: What’s the chapter?

The fallen world of Elfaron

Ert: Has anyone told Mykan he can’t come up with names for shit? I mean along with the long list of other things that he can’t do.  The one long enough to fill a book.

Shepard: It’s almost the exact opposite of the Major-General’s song. The Major-General was good at everything except his job. Mykan is just horrible at everything.

Nora: Unicornicopia and now this? And that’s without getting into all of the color towns.

Several unicorns, even Lightning and Starla, had been summoned to Grand Ruler’s palace. A rainbow stone had been located in another dimension, and the time had come to send a volunteer or two through the portal warp.

Nora: The artifact of infinite power has been located in another dimension. Let’s just send one or two people through and hope that they don’t get horrifically murdered by the local fauna. And that they can actually breath the air there.  And that there’s air.

As much as Lightning wanted to go, he knew he couldn’t in case Titan’s minions tried to attack again, and Grand Ruler couldn’t go either as it would be most unwise to leave his kingdom during such fearful times. He had to stay and maintain the order of nature and balance anyway.

Ert: You know, this almost sounds halfway reasonable until you remember that 3/4ths of the time Lightning fought Titan’s minions it was because they came to him, not the other way around. Not to mention the few times that they needed him to come to them, that was usually the freaking plan! The Grand Ruler could probably handle the minions while you’re gone but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, he can’t do anything important because it might take away attention from Lightning and his friends. That and this is all just a giant game for them.

Buddy Rose and Artie decided to go, and Doctor Penny was summoned to give them examinations to see if they could physically survive the trip, and or any ordeals they would come across on their adventure, but Buddy and Artie were very nervous, almost afraid even.

Shepard: I’m curious as to what tests are run to see if someone can survive traveling to another dimension. Does she lower a sample of their DNA through a micro recreation of the portal and see if it vaporizes it?

Nora: Don’t be ridiculous. That sounds intelligent, she’ll never do that.

Shepard: Very true. Though it makes you wonder how often she needs to do this. Is it something that comes up often? I have a hard time believing that. While alternate dimensions are constantly mentioned, we rarely actually see people traveling to them. Hell, the only one we’ve actually seen is the Dimension of Darkness, which is the formless void somehow made even LESS interesting.

Ert: Yeah, at least the formless void was polite enough to mention that it had nothing going on. The Dimension of Darkness sounds halfway interesting until we learned it was bullshit, making it a massive disappointment.

They had never had been outside of the kingdom before, and didn’t know what to expect. They didn’t even know where they were going

Nora: Too bad, try not to die and don’t drink the lake water. *Kicks them in* Is that Bloodborne?

Ert: THE MOON HAS EYES!

They had gone to the library many times to research on as many of the outer-dimensions as they could, but there was just so much, almost too much they Inquerius suggested they leave and relax.

Shepard: Yes, I would imagine that researching an alternate dimension would be a rather complicated affair. If you don’t do something as putting your nose to the grindstone, then really you shouldn’t be going on a very important expedition. I mean really think about it. This is the equivalent of a mission to the moon and they’re just lazing off before it.

Nora: Kind of ironic. Mykan wanted to show how mature his characters were compared to MLP’s, and they come off as LESS mature. No one in MLP ever referred to romance as a “play date,” for the love of Christ.

Still… the rainbow stone was very important, and needed to be obtained at all costs. The boys agreed to do it, no matter what. Grand Ruler was proud of them.

Ert: Good for him. No one cares who is proud of who, Mykan, you can stop bringing it up.

“Are you ready…?” he asked them. The boys just hesitated, and gazed nervously at one another, and as Grand Ruler tried to explain that no one was forcing them to go if they want to, “I’m ready…”

“Me too…”

Goeth: Later! *Hits big red button*

Cornelia: Guys? Pluto just exploded.

Goeth: Whoops. Wrong button.

Grand Ruler smiled and went over their final details, but also granted them one last thing before departure. He stood upright, folded his hooves, and concentrated. His golden horns glowed and zapped the boys’ horns with soft lights.

Ert: Finer details that no one feels like sharing with the audience.

He explained that he had made it so their horns would help them locate the rainbow stone.

Nora: He can just do that. Apparently. You think that if he just had a spell that made it so that whoever got zapped with it would be able to locate the rainbow stones, tracking them down should have been a lot easier. Just charm someone’s horn and point them at the portals to other dimensions and see which ones get a glow.

Ert: You might be saying that’s stupid and overly simple. Yeah it is! It fits right in with the story doesn’t it!?

The closer they got, the brighter their horns would glow, and if they were separated it could help them find each other as well and also the precise area where they would land upon arrival so they could return. All they had to do was return to the position where they landed and send a flash of light from their horns to signal the transport.

Shepard: So how does all of this work? How are they supposed to tell the difference between a rainbow stone flash of light and a missing person flash of light? And between those and a where you first arrived flash of light? How do they send a flash of light from their horns?

Nora: Sir, I don’t know how to use this power you just gave me.

Ert: Huh? Well just believe or some bullcrap.

The bottom line who nobody knew who or what they would find inside that dimension. “Go with care boys.” Grand Ruler said “Look out for one another and return with not only the stone, but also with swiftness and experience.”

Nora: And all of your limbs if you can.

The boys bowed to their ruler. “We won’t fail you, your majesty.” said Buddy Rose.

“We’ll the get the stone.” added Artie.

Ert: We main characters! Main characters never fail! We no like that icky yucky tension!

The large stone doors were already open, and there was the portal gate all ready. All the boys had to do was step or jump through it. “Good luck, guys!” said Lightning.

“Come back safe.” added Krysta.

Shepard: Glad to see Krysta got a single line of dialogue in. It almost feels forced.

Nora: Nothing like token lines of dialogue to make a character feel totally not shoehorned in.

The boys nodded, and then turned to face the portal. They both took a running start and jumped in, and with a two bright flashes… they were gone!

“Boy, I sure wish I was going with them.” Lightning said

Ert: That’s because your a little psychopath who gets bored when he’s not fighting, as an earlier chapter mentioned.

Nora: That and he’s probably upset that someone else is getting the spotlight for a change.

Shepard: I’m surprised Mykan is actually creating a chapter where the main focus ISN’T on Lighting for a change. I’m not getting used to it.

Grand Ruler understood how he felt. For now, all they could do was wait.

Ert: Well I imagine there are several things that they could be doing, least of which is searching for the minions and the other rainbow stones to-

Nora: ALL THEY CAN DO IS WAIT!

Buddy and Artie felt like they were going down a super fun slide like at Pinkie Park,

Nora: Alternate dimensional travel feels like a slide. And not a slide, a SUPER SLIDE!

Ert: Hate. Hate. So much fucking hate.

going over and under, in loops and curves as they sailed across the pathway through dimensional space. What a sight to behold! The colors of the void outside was prettier than a rainbow, but just the thought of the fact that straying from the path and falling into it, and getting thrown to who knew where, did not make it seem as friendly.

Shepard: The infinite gap between dimensions looks like a rainbow.

Nora: A pwetty wittle wainbow.

Ert: I think after writing all of this Mykan is probably little tired. Lets change his diaper, give him his nappy and then make sure he gets to bed by seven.

They didn’t notice a pair of red, and evil looking eyes gazing at them from afar. Then they vanished into the void.

So many portals to so many other worlds and dimensions passed by, and they too were amazing to look at and wonder what they were like.

Nora: Oh hey! What’s in this one!?

“The Great Old Ones” by Richard Luong

Nora: Oh I bet they’re made out of chocolate and gum drops and candy canes.

Ert: Yes, because if all the references to slides are anything to go by, WE’RE ALL FUCKING CHILDREN AND WE THINK LIFE IS A GREAT BIG GAME THAT COULDN’T BE ANYMORE FUCKING SWELL!

“Look up ahead…!” cried Artie. A large glow of light was illuminating ahead of them and getting brighter every second. “It’s the portal!” cried Buddy “We’re almost there! Get ready to fly!”

Shepard: How do they know that that’s the right portal? Their horns aren’t glowing.

Nora: Fuck you, main characters, Grand Ruler, life is so fun, THAT’S HOW! STOP QUESTIONING THE LOGIC OF THE SUPREME RULER MYKAN! I mean the Grand Ruler.

The boys spread their wings just as they reached the end of the path and after a bright flash of light they found themselves soaring high in the skies above the new world. “We made it!” Buddy Rose cried excitedly.

Ert: And then they crashed into a mountain.

“Yeah… but exactly where are we?” asked Artie.

Nora: Travels through a portal to an alternate dimension. “Where are we?” Well I’m assuming, and I may be jumping the gun here, but I’m assuming you’re in an alternate dimension. I know that’s a crazy and radical theory that I’m proposing but I think it just might be true.

Neither one of them could see through the clouds as they were up far too high. In fact, the clouds below seemed orange and grey instead of white and fluffy. The boys started to have a really bad feeling, and decided to fly lower and investigate. They weren’t likely to find the rainbow stone in the sky anyway.

Shepard: How do you know? These clouds could be more solid than the clouds you’re used to. They could be holding solid objects. It’s an alternate dimension, it doesn’t have to follow the same rules as your home dimension does.

Ert: While we’re on it, why doesn’t the Grand Ruler know exactly where in this dimension the rainbow stone is? What kind of magic is the all powerful Grand Ruler using that tells him the general location of the stone? I’m assuming the portal didn’t drop them off on the wrong side of a planet.

As they dropped below the clouds, what they saw nearly turned their bloods cold.

Nora: Their bloods. I know people who speak English as their second language and have a better understanding of grammar than this.

Everywhere they looked they saw ruin and destruction as if a-thousand storms had ravaged the lands below. The grounds were all laden with rocks and bits of rubble, planks and logs of wood. Buddy Rose could tell just by looking at the ground, “I could never plant anything in this. My whole garden would die in a second.”

Ert: No. No it wouldn’t. Unless there’s something fundamentally wrong with the soil, that is. You’d probably have to clear an area and till the soil, but after that your garden would be fine. Mykan, stop trying to sound smart. It just shows us what an uneducated moron you are.

Shepard: Not to mention I’m not seeing how this is a thousand storms. It sounds more like one storm went through the area. A particularly large storm but not a thousand.

Artie never saw anything so awful before, but he reminded Buddy, “Come on, we have a job to do here.”

Buddy agreed. They had to find the rainbow stone and get back, “Maybe we can find out what happened too.”

And so they went along their way.

Nora: It’s so horrible! Look at all the dead-oh wait there aren’t any people here. Look at all the dead ani-oh wait there are no dead animals here. Look at all of the dead plants-oh wait I see dead plants all the time. Barring this story being so saccharine that we can’t even see dead plants, that is. And I wouldn’t put it past him.

Shepard: What IS so terrible about this? Aside from Buddy saying he can’t plant anything, which is laughably inaccurate, the only thing that we’ve gotten is that the area is a bit of a mess. Like Nora said, the story didn’t even confirm that there were dead plants in the area. Just that Buddy couldn’t plant anything. For some reason.

Back in Unicornicopia, Lightning and Krysta were charged with looking after Buddy Rose’s garden while he was away.

Ert: Considering this guy was too paranoid to leave his garden alone for a day when we first met him, I’d like to know why the option of someone else watching his garden didn’t come up then.

Nora: False drama.

Ert: No argument here.

It was a good thing they saw him do it so many times which was why they were doing so well. Lightning was tending to the wedding while Krysta sprinkled water on the plants. She couldn’t help but wonder if the plants missed Buddy Rose.

Ert: *Spits* WEDDING!? What fucking wedding!? Did Starla and Lightning tie the knot so they could fuck?

Shepard: I think he meant weeding. And Buddy isn’t really doing that good of a job taking care of his garden if it needs weeding after he’s been gone for one day. If you’re doing more than minor weeding when your garden is in bloom, something has gone horribly wrong.

“Well… I bet these weeds don’t!” growled Lightning as he struggled to yank them out, only to fling backwards into the wheelbarrow and hit the wall. Krysta couldn’t help but giggle. Lightning was not amused. “Very funny, Krysta…” he grumbled.

Ert: It kind of is, if only because it shows how jaw droopingly incompetent you are. Fuck, I’ve been able to de-weed a garden since I was thirteen, it’s not hard. Provided you haven’t gotten something that goes ridiculously deep, requiring you to dig up a good bit of the surrounding area to get it out. That has happened to me a few times.

As the two of them worked, they couldn’t help but wonder how Buddy Rose and Artie were doing. “What do you think they’ve found?” Krysta wondered aloud.

“I don’t know… but I’ll bet that it’s pretty exciting and maybe even fun.”

Nora: GET IT?! IT’S IRONIC! BECAUSE THEY-

If they only knew…!

Nora: Oi, fuck you! That’s my job! And for the record this is just pointing out how painfully obvious this joke is. If you can even call it that.

Buddy and Artie found no signs of life, but just more chaos and destruction wherever they went. They were starting to think that maybe something had attacked this realm, “But what…?” asked Buddy Rose. It obviously wasn’t Titan, when he was sealed away all realms under his curse went back to normal.

Ert: So if his curse had killed anyone they would’ve come back to life? Wow. I just…wow. Either Titan is the worst villain ever and never killed anyone despite conquering dimensions, or he did kill people and Lightning and everyone else thinks that death was undone with his defeat.

Shepard: It raises an interesting theory, that the people of Unicornicopia are kept so ignorant, so isolated from the world that they don’t even understand that people die. What if this whole world is a Brave New World type scenario? Where the majority of the populace are kept in mediocre positions because they think it’s their rightful place, while kept ignorant of the true evils of the world, such as death.

Nora: *Scribbles down notes* We’re gonna have to write a freaking thesis on the reality of Unicornicopia when this is all said and done.

“From the looks of this damage…” said Artie “I’d say this place was attacked recently… but I don’t think it was Titan. We all saw the last of him long ago.”

Ert: What makes you say recently? Tell me, forensic scientist Artie, what’s the telltale signs of this being recent? And of it being an attack for that matter, considering that you said it looked like a storm. How do you know a hurricane didn’t just recently go through the area? Things tend to look pretty devastated after that. Look at this picture of the damage done by Hurricane Katrina.

Ert: I honestly got squeamish looking up some of the more gruesome pictures of this disaster, this was one of the lighter pictures. Stuff like this isn’t always the result of an attack, sometimes nature just causes destruction.

As the boys pondered over this, their horns gave a quick, soft glow. “Did you see that…?” asked Buddy. Their horns glowed again “I saw it…” answered Artie. This was what they were waiting for. They were getting closer to the rainbow stone, and the sooner they found it, the sooner they could leave.

Nora: Great! The rainbow stone is somewhere…there. East? Southeast? Northeast? You know, the Grand Ruler gave them a really ineffective method of tracking. Seriously, was something like a compass too much for him?

They ran along and, just as The Grand Ruler had said, their horns were glowing brighter than ever, which meant they were getting closer. The problem was the two of them were so concentrated on following their horns they lost track of each other and ended up wandering away from one another, and they didn’t realize it until it was too late.

“Buddy Rose…?”

“Artie…? Where’d you go?”

Ert: … FAIL! YOU! FUCKING! FAIL! Not only do you have to be a special kind of stupid to wander away from someone else like that, BUT THEY WERE HEADING IN THE SAME DIRECTION! It really shows how shitty the Grand Ruler’s method of tracking is if two people can have the same method, start right next to each other, have the same destination, and somehow get separated! WHAT THE FUCK!?

Buddy found he was all alone and wandering about, but his horn was still glowing though. He couldn’t decide whether or not to keep trying to find the stone, or look for Artie. Both were so important, but ultimately he decided to look for his friend. All he had to do was follow his horn as it glowed in orange, the same color as Artie.

Shepard: So how does he adjust his horn from tracking the rainbow stone to tracking Artie? And how does he know that orange leads him to Artie? How does he know that it won’t lead him back to where he started? The Grand Ruler never really gave these two a color code for this spell of his, everything just kinda magically works. Same way with everything in this story.

Artie was still looking for Buddy as well, when suddenly he heard a small clattering sound coming from the wreckage of a smashed home. “Who’s there…?” he called. “Hello…?”

The clattering continued and Artie moved closer. His horn was also glowing brighter than ever, but not red to locate Buddy Rose, but rather the stone he was looking for. “Hello…?”

Nora: Ok, is his horn set to track Buddy or the rainbow stone? Or is it set to track both at the same time? Or did Mykan get bored three seconds into writing this story and throw out everything he wrote? Rhetorical question.

He reached the wreckage and began to move some of the rubble aside. His horn was glowing wildly now, and there ahead, he could see something shiny- A small jewel, half red and half orange. “That… that’s it!” he cried “I found it! I found the rainbow stone!”

Suddenly, he heard the sound of someone whimpered.

Ert: *Smashes head against wall* If I keep doing this, maybe all of the dumb will go away. *Smashes head against wall*.

“Please…” it squeaked “Don’t hurt me!”

Goeth: Whaaaaaaaaat? Nooooooooooo. Who’s gonna hurt you? I won’t hurt you. *Speaks softly.* I want you alive.

Artie felt confused. “Whoever you are…I’m not going to hurt you.” he said gently as he tried to get inside through the wreckage. He still couldn’t see who was there though. “It’s okay… you don’t have to be afraid of me.”

Goeth: That’s right. Lure them in. Lure them in. Give them a false sense of security. Then spring the trap.

Nora: This is why I keep my pistols handy when we riff.

The creature saw Artie get closer and could see he was unicorn. She gently stepped forward revealing that she was a small human-like creature with pointy ears, short black hair. Yet she was all dirty, seemed famished, and was wearing a set of ragged old clothes that had seemed partially burned, and hung on a band round her head was indeed the rainbow stone.

Ert: That sounds uncomfortable and impractical. Having a stone around your head, I’m assuming the stone has some weight to it, would be a good way to get a good pain in your neck.

“It’s okay… you can trust me.” Artie stood on all fours and extended his front right hove in a friendly manner; the little girl walked up to him slowly and gently touched his hove with her hand. “What’s your name…?” Artie asked.

The girl hesitated for a moment, and then said “Ilia. I’m an elf.”

Shepard: Elf huh? You know it’s an annoying cliche that elves are always archers that live in forests, but I’d take that over this kind of elf. She strikes me more of the type of elf that lives in a tree and bakes cookies.

Artie wanted to know everything… so Ilia explained.

Her dimension was called Elfaron…

Ert: And yup, still a dumb name.

It used to be a harmonious place with lush green fields; forests, ponds, and all her kind were elves. They were a peaceful race who had ceased the need for weapons, or magic powers for many centuries and devoted their lives to potion-making, or even playing and enjoying the necessities of life.

Nora: They outgrew (not ceased, the verb makes no sense) the need for magic power, but they still made potions? What’s the bleeding difference?

However, recently, an evil creature- a giant dark serpent-like monster with fangs, razor-sharp fins, and red burning eyes found its way into her realm, and began to lay a path of destruction and chaos as it was searching for something.

Ert: …

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/J%C3%B6rmungandr

Ert: Oh who the fuck am I kidding, of course it isn’t Jörmungandr. Jörmungandr was so large he could bite his own tail when stretching across the world, and he’s destined to die fighting Thor with a mutual kill.

Everyone panicked and immediately escaped the realm to seek sanctuary somewhere else, but she was mistakenly left behind, and felt too afraid to leave on her own. She had no idea where to go.

Nora: And no one went back for her? Well, her parents are either dead or assholes. Probably assholes, because this story just can’t say that someone actually freaking died for some reason.

Shepard: Even the destruction of this world feels like a non-issue since it sounds like no one died. Not even a single person.

Ert: Even Power Rangers killed people. Zordon is kinda freaking dead, Mykan! Or did that give you PTSD too?

Poor Ilia, he eyes were brimming with tears.

Ert: He eyes, for fuck’s sake…

Artie very sorry for her, but couldn’t help but wonder about the description of this monster. It didn’t sound like anything of Titan or his minions’ doing, but it was familiar.

Ert: Yeah, I pointed that out already. Let’s be frank, a sea serpent isn’t the most original of concepts.

“You’ve been alone all this time?” Artie asked.

“Mm-hmm…!” Ilia murmured as she wiped her tears, but then… the ground began to shake. “What’s going on?” asked Artie.

“Oh no…!” cried Ilia “The beast approaches!”

Nora: Wait, it’s still around? What the hell is something so big that it can mess up an entire dimension supposed to eat when there’s nothing left? That’s what they said, they said they couldn’t see anything living. (Not that anything was dead, so I guess the plants ran away too.) There’s nothing for this thing to eat here. How is it alive? How is ILIA alive?

Artie ran to an opening in the wreckage and could see a trail of dust off in the distance and heading straight for them as the rumbling got worse. “It’s still here…?” he wondered aloud, but it was pretty obvious the creature was still there. “Ilia, you stay here… I’m going to check this out.”

Shepard: I’m not sure what he thinks he can do against something that forced an entire species minus one to abandon their home dimension.

For all her begs and pleas for him not to go, Artie dashed back outside, and readied his “BIG BRUSH SPEAR!” Then he stood ready to face this thing. “How big can it be…?”

Nora: I mean it only destroyed absolutely fucking everything. It can be THAT big. I’ll just kill it and go back and have my favorite drink. Lead-laced paint.

The demon got closer and closer and by the time it reached near Artie, it was about the size, length, and width of Buddy Roses’ entire garden, and that was gigantic. “Uh… oh…!”

Ert: If you felt the need to clarify that Buddy Rose’s garden was big, then comparing it to his garden was an idiotic decision. Frankly I always saw Buddy Rose’s garden as rather small, so this thing is the size of a rhino in my mind’s eye. Not small, but considering that this thing sacked an entire dimension, I’m underwhelmed.

The giant serpent demon stopped in its tracks and gazed at Artie. Its raspy breathing and hissing made Artie want to run, but he had to be brave for Ilia, and not give her position away. “I am unicornicopian HV7J. Who are you, and why have you laid waste to this dimension?”

Shepard: Oh right, the whole ID number thing. I honestly forgot about that. Because it added nothing. Also I did some calculations. There are 1,679,616 unique combinations you can get with a four digit serial number, if you can use both letters and numbers. Considering that Unicornicopia is apparently a modern civilization, what with the use of disco, it would have a fairly high population. Either the IDs are reused a lot, which makes them doubly pointless, or this country is severely underpopulated.

The demon hissed and breathed in a snarly growl and then answered. “I am… Serpent-Terror…!”

Nora: Winner of the shittiest name contest, ten years running. Also I am an obvious rip off of a Power Rangers villain.

http://powerrangers.wikia.com/wiki/Serpentera

Nora: Except Serpentera was a planet cracker. This thing is already underwhelming.

“Serpent-Terror…?”

“The stone…!” hissed the demon “Give me the stone!”

Ert:…Oh all right FINE!

Ert: Your writing is on part with Alone in the Dark 2008, Mykan. I hope you’re proud.

Shepard:  So this thing came here for the rainbow stone?  Yeah, so the Grand Ruler’s plan failed.  Evil found the stone.  And why is a little elf girl carrying it around?  And why didn’t the elves use it to fight this thing?  Bad writing?  Most certainly.

Artie could only assume he meant the rainbow stone, but there was no way he’d let such a monster get it, or it would lead him to Ilia. He just stood there and gripped his spear tight. This angered the demon greatly. “Heh, heh, heh…!

Nora: I always laugh when I’m angry.

You dare conceal its location? You are courageous, but foolish as well!” and he began to charge forward.

Artie tried his “PAINT BOMBS…!” but it was like throwing pebbles against an oncoming brick wall, no effect at all. Serpent-Tyrant

Shepard: Serpent-Tyrant? I thought it was Serpent-Terror. Spirits. How horrible of a writer do you have to be in order to forget the names of the characters that YOU created?

just laughed and then opened his huge mouth “PLASMA VAPOUR…!” and he breathed a huge burst of trailing energy that Artie barely dodged, “WHOA…!” the blast went right past him and kept right on going and going until it reached a far off mountain… KABLAM! Such an explosion wiped out the whole mountain.

Ert: Yeah I’m no scientist, but I’m pretty sure that if a ball of plasma went whirling past you, a near miss would still kill you. If not from the heat then from the radiation.

Goeth: Let’s field test this.

Ert: Our plasma cannon is an anti-ship class though, isn’t that a little much?

Goeth: I’ve been working on a smaller variant. People only ever think of orbital weapons from a city cracking perspective. This new model is much smaller, designed for eliminating single targets with the precision of a sniper rifle on a clear sunny day. It can hit anyone in the hemisphere that the satellite is orbiting over.

Ert: … there are not enough words for how fucking terrifying that is. Get rid of it.

Goeth: Only joking boss man. If I had something like that you would’ve known by now. Besides, I would use a laser for something like that, not plasma.

Artie couldn’t believe his eyes, even Titan was never able to cause such destruction so easily as that, but he still wouldn’t tell where the stone was.

The demon was charging again, and Artie tried his “PAINT BLOBS…!” to try and blind it in the eyes, but once again it had no effect. “What is with this thing?” None of his attacks were so much as making him flinch.

Nora: Actually considering that Titan has conquered countless dimensions, this guy only did the one. I guess it’s a DBZ thing of “Oh wow, this guy is so much stronger than *last villain we beat* we can never beat them until Goku reaches a new level!” Except DBZ tends to actually show that its villains are stronger, usually by haven someone getting beat up by them. This one is just immune to attacks that were always kinda useless, and he attacked a dimension inhabited by people incapable of fighting back. I’m not impressed.

“Now try some of my own tricks…” Serpent sneered, “SMALL SERPENT SOLDIERS!”

His eyes glowed madly and right up from the ground emerged several lizard-like monsters, all with sharp claws and gnashing teeth. They didn’t seem too tough though and he could take them on, but while he was busy fending them off, the demon was heading straight for the wreckage.

Shepard: One of two things just happened..  Those soldiers were hiding in the ground until Serpent-Terror/Serpent-Tyrant/Serpent-Fuckwit called on them, which is ridiculously impractical. Either that, or Francesco Redi and Louis Pasteur are screaming inside their graves, because Mykan just wrote spontaneous generation into his story.

“Ilia…!” she was still in there, he had to try and get her out but he couldn’t get past the monsters. “No…!” was all he could shout as he watched Serpent smash through the wreckage, and leaving nothing left.

Ert: So she’s dead right?

Artie batted the monsters away with one swing of his spear, and he was ever so upset.

Nora: *Snort* The narration sounds like it’s making fun of him

“Ilia…!” he cried, but then he heard her voice from above. “Artie…!”

He looked up, and she was fine, riding with “Buddy Rose…!”

Ert: Of course she isn’t dead. The very worst thing that can ever happen to you in this story is light bruising. Anything more than that and Mykan might have to start writing about how his characters failed and the bad guys win. He can’t have that, the complication would make his head explode.

His friend winked at him “Well, I thought I’d never find you, and we got the stone!” He held out his hove to show Ilia had kindly given him the red and orange rainbow stone.

Nora: I thought I’d never find you! The Grand Ruler’s spell is absolute tripe!

Artie was overjoyed. Now they could leave, “But first to take care of some business.” Artie snapped.

The lizard monsters were all coming at him at once, but Buddy Rose decided to help with a new trick he had learned before.

Shepard: Is this new attack related to the powers the first rainbow stone gave everyone? Or is it something else Mykan made up on the spot?

He placed Ilia down safely where she wouldn’t get hurt and then soared back up high and flapped his wings hard at the ground, “SOIL STORM…!” His wings flapping stirred up a lot of dust. Now the monsters couldn’t see a thing, it was time for Artie to try his new trick.

Ert: Anyone want to tell Mykan that dust and soil aren’t the same thing?

He raised his spear over his head, and bean whirling it round and around like a propeller. “ART ATTACK SPIN!”

Nora: ADJECTIVE NOUN VERB!

The spinning went faster and faster, and the sides of it began to flare with sparkling colors. Artie ran forward, still spinning the spear, and swung hard unleashing a wave of magic at the monsters, dissolving them into thin air, and he stopped spinning his spear.

Shepard: Was the spinning really necessary? How does it help him spread his attack? I mean its not as if it was a directional attack that only came out of the front of his spear. It’s just – oh why do I even bother.

Ilia leapt for joy. She was so glad the monsters were gone, but she pointed out. “He’s coming back!” Serpent-Tyrant was coming after them again shouting. “Give me that stone!”

Ert: I already made the joke once asshole, I’m not doing it again.

The boys decided it was time to leave, and since they couldn’t leave poor Ilia behind, they were forced to take her with them. Soon all three of them were soaring high, but Serpent-Tyrant surprised them again by rising off the ground. “He can fly too…?” cried Buddy Rose.

Nora: Well the original Serpentera could, so we might as well let this one. What’s that? Serpentera was a Zord and not a flesh and blood creature? Stop ruining Mykan’s half-baked revenge dreams.

“PLASMA VAPOUR…!”

“Look out!” screamed Ilia, and the boys managed to avoid his blast.

Ert: I’m starting to wonder about the ratio of attacks fired vs attacks that found their mark when it comes to the villains in this game. It must be pathetically low.

They had to get to the spot where they landed and fast. Their horns were glowing faster indicating the point. “But wait… we can’t just bring a stranger to Unicornicopia…” said Artie. “What will The Grand Ruler say?”

Nora: Really? I mean really? “We can’t bring a stranger to an entire country?” What in the world is wrong with Unicornicopia?

Shepard: So in addition to everything that’s going on with this country we can add xenophobic to the list.

Ert: We are at war with Eurasia. We have always been at war with Eurasia.

Buddy Rose paid no attention, and they both kept going and going, until they reached their specific spot and sent out the glowing signal. “Hang on, Ilia.” said Buddy Rose.

Serpent-Tyrant could see them from the skies and began to dive straight for them growling “Rainbow stone…!”

The three friends let out a scream, but suddenly they were swooped up by a tube of light that carried them away just in time. Serpent missed them and skid along the grounds.

Shepard: That was the grand adventure? All they did was find the stone and run away from the serpent.

Nora: It’s par for the course really.

Across the pathway, through Dimensional space they went. “Where are we going…?” cried Ilia.

“Just hang on!” shouted Artie

As they continued to wander, Ilia could suddenly feel the force of something pulling her away, clear off Buddy’s back. “ILIA…!” the boys shouted, but there was nothing they could do now. The pull of the path they were traveling was too strong.

Ert: This is completely different from what happened the last time that they went through this, but the story wants (false) drama now, so fuck consistency. Am I right?

The portal gate in Grand Ruler’s palace was glowing madly, and in a bright flare, the boys emerged, and landed with a thud, and the stone doors closed tight concealing the portal away. “No, wait!” cried Buddy Rose, but it was too late.

Shepard: Why are the stone doors closing on their own?

Ert: Because the Grand Ruler is a xenophobe and wants the filthy elf out of his racially pure kingdom.

Nora: Not impossible…

“Ilia…” cried Artie “Was she…?”

“She’s perfectly fine, boys.” said a voice from behind. It was The Grand Ruler, who was pleased that they had returned safely and with the second rainbow stone. “What happened to Ilia…?” asked Artie. “Is she alright…?” asked Buddy Rose.

Grand Ruler assured them she was okay. He had been observing things ever since the boys had left, and when he found out about Ilia, he used his golden horns to contact her father, the leader of Elfaron, who was so happy to hear she was safe. Grand Ruler used his magic to send Ilia to the dimension where her people were safe.

Ert: He killed her didn’t he? She completely disappeared, no one ever saw her again, she’s not going to show up in this story again, he killed her.

Shepard: I can’t think of any other reason why she was booted out of the story in this particular manner.

The boys were very relieved to hear that, and also relieved not to worry about Ilia and her kind. Their dimension was in ruin, but it was possible for them to rebuild and start over. That is… after assurance that Serpent-Tyrant would never attack again!

Grand Ruler promised he would never allow that monster to enter his kingdom, and would do his best to keep him outside.

Nora: Yay! The Serpent will never threaten them again! It’s not allowed in this kingdom!

Shepard: But the elves don’t live in this kingdom, They live in another –

Nora: PROBLEM SOLVED!

Shepard: But the elves could travel between dimensions, what if the Serpent –

Nora: PROBLEM! SOLVED!

Shepard: That’s basically the approach this story is taking.

Leaving the stone in Grand Ruler’s possession, the boys headed down to home sweet home. Lightning and Krysta were delighted that they were back, especially since they had been gardening all day and were exhausted. “I guess some people just don’t have a green hove.” Buddy Rose joked “Come to think of it, neither do I.”

Ert: Oh you’re so FUCKING FUNNY! *Loads shotgun* Over here asshole! Let me show you just how fucking funny I think you are!

Nora: *Takes gun away from Ert* That’s enough from you.

“What an adventure…!” sighed Artie. He had so many ideas and so many paintings to make to describe it. The only person who was curious was Lightning. “Serpent-Tyrant…!” he thought to himself “Could it be…? Is he that monster that killed my parents?”

Ert: SURE! WHY NOT! Random monster that they found in another dimension is the one that killed Lighting’s mommy and daddy.

“You alright, Lightning…?” asked Krysta.

Lightning didn’t know if he or anyone else would be alright. Now it was clear there was another evil out there, and he too was searching for the rainbow stones, but why nobody knew. All they knew was they had to find the remaining two stones and not let Serpent-Tyrant get them!

Shepard: I feel like this is supposed to be raising the stakes. Except it doesn’t. Serpent-Whatever-it-was had a rather underwhelming debut.

As for Serpent-Tyrant… he was very outraged that he missed a stone. “They have not heard the last of me…!” he hissed deeply, and then he took off high into the sky and vanished, leaving the dimension. After which, those same glowing red eyes shone in the darkness, and then faded!

Ert: Blah blah blah more cliche villain talk, blah blah blah “I’LL BE BACK SAMURAI JACK!” blah blah blah-this story is going to fucking kill me.

(In Grand Ruler’s Palace)

Grand Ruler: “What an adventure it was today. Buddy Rose and Artie saw a lot of things they had never seen before, and met someone in need of help. Even though they were sent to find the treasure, they did what their hearts thought was right,

Nora: The hell is that supposed to mean? That they WEREN’T supposed to help the elf and by doing so they were disobeying their orders? No! No they freaking weren’t!

and thanks to their efforts and teamwork, they helped each other find the rainbow stone and helped Ilia escape certain doom, but then again they also could had been led into a trap.”

Nora: Clearly the filthy elf could’ve been a spy and they would’ve been safer off killing her instead of taking the chance :D.

“Sometimes we must choose whether to follow our instructions, or trust in our own instincts, but it is uncertain which way will truly lead you to your goal. Sometimes the obvious choice is the wrong choice, and the right path is not the easy one. We all learn and discover new things every day, and some will change your life and the way you think forever.”

Ert: So this is supposed to be a deep revelation, but there are two problems with that. The first being that, Mykan, we’re not psychopaths. Most of us, with the exception being people like you, would help children when given the opportunity. The second is that rescuing the elf was directly connected to their mission. The stone they were looking for was on her head. So there were no directions they didn’t follow. If there had been a real dilemma, it would’ve been about them being forced to pick between the stone or the girl, or putting one at risk to save the other. But no. It fell right into their laps and the Grand Ruler is talking about how great they are.

“See you all next time, and keep on believing!”

Ert: Blow me.

Shepard: Now now, don’t you know? Mykan is totes straight.

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58 Comments on “1377: My Little Unicorn: Magic is Believing (That still means nothing) Chapter 15”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    Nora: The artifact of infinite power has been located in another dimension. Let’s just send one or two people through and hope that they don’t get horrifically murdered by the local fauna. And that they can actually breath the air there. And that there’s air.

    Please oh please let there not be air.

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    Still… the rainbow stone was very important, and needed to be obtained at all costs. The boys agreed to do it, no matter what. Grand Ruler was proud of them.

    And how much do you want to bet that out of all of the infinite other dimensions, the ones that have Rainbow Stones just happen to also contain information about Krysta’s origins?

    • AdmiralSakai says:

      The only person who was curious was Lightning. “Serpent-Tyrant…!” he thought to himself “Could it be…? Is he that monster that killed my parents?”

      Ok, almost. I forgot that Lightning had a seekret dummensinal orrigin too.

  3. AdmiralSakai says:

    As they dropped below the clouds, what they saw nearly turned their bloods cold.

    Nora: Their bloods. I know people who speak English as their second language and have a better understanding of grammar than this.

    So they saw the Crips?

  4. AdmiralSakai says:

    Nora: It’s so horrible! Look at all the dead-oh wait there aren’t any people here. Look at all the dead ani-oh wait there are no dead animals here. Look at all of the dead plants-oh wait I see dead plants all the time. Barring this story being so saccharine that we can’t even see dead plants that is. And I wouldn’t put it past him.

    Shepard: What IS so terrible about this? Aside from Buddy saying he can’t plant anything, which is laughably inaccurate, the only thing that we’ve gotten is that the area is a bit of a mess. Like a Nora said, the story didn’t even conform that there were dead plants in the area. Just that Buddy couldn’t plant anything. For some reason.

    I dunno, if we had a competent writer finding physical ruins, but no bodies or any other signs of life, could be quite creepy.

    If we had a competent writer.

  5. AdmiralSakai says:

    As the boys pondered over this, their horns gave a quick, soft glow. “Did you see that…?” asked Buddy. Their horns glowed again “I saw it…” answered Artie.

    I’ve just realized that the Grand Ruler just made of homing device out of the one part of their bodeis that is permanently attached to their heads at an angle where they cannot see it.

    Great thinking, there.

    • GhostCat says:

      If the light was bright enough they might be able to see the glow on their snouts, but if it’s that bright and that close to their eyes then they’d probably be blinded by it.

    • batjamags says:

      That’s why they lost each other. They were trying to watch their horns, failing, and went off in different directions.

  6. AdmiralSakai says:

    For all her begs and pleas for him not to go, Artie dashed back outside, and readied his “BIG BRUSH SPEAR!”

    Because we all know Artie would never pass up a chance to show a young girl his giant paintbrush.

  7. AdmiralSakai says:

    Shepard: Oh right, the whole ID number thing. I honestly forgot about that. Because it added nothing. Also I did some calculations. There are 1,679,616 unique combinations you can get with a four digit serial number, if you can use both letters and numbers. Considering that Unicornicopia is apparently a modern civilization, what with the use of disco, it would have a fairly high population. Either the IDs are reused a lot, which makes them doubly pointless, or this country is severely underpopulated.

    That, or there’s an entire unnumbered underclass of unicorns somewhere that we don’t know about.

    • batjamags says:

      Oh, of course. Those who the Grand Ruler deems impure are cast aside. The others are numbered and watched so that they don’t become a threat.

      That, or there are also five-digit numbers for the underclass to emphasize their inferiority.

    • TacoMagic says:

      Weekly mailer sent to all citizens of Unicornicopia:

      We would like to thank you for being entered in the Cave Paradise Lottery of the Grand Ruler!

      Every week winners are allowed to free themselves of their numbers and cross through the Cave of Ascension into the Grand Ruler’s Paradise! Do not worry about the friends and family you leave behind, either. Your crossing coincides with a gift of minerals and gems from the residents of Paradise to maintain our utopia while we await our turn to join you in the eternal joy of Paradise!

      If you see your number called in the weekly lottery drawing, please report to the ascension processing building to relinquish your number and undergo the preparations for your journey.

      Thank you, and good luck!

  8. AdmiralSakai says:

    He placed Ilia down safely where she wouldn’t get hurt and then soared back up high and flapped his wings hard at the ground, “SOIL STORM…!” His wings flapping stirred up a lot of dust

    That’s not even a spell, you’re just moving air around mechanically.

  9. SC says:

    The artifact of infinite power has been located in another dimension. Let’s just send one or two people through and hope that they don’t get horrifically murdered by the local fauna. And that they can actually breath the air there. And that there’s air.

    I’m almost 100% certain this is how most of Contacts, Shades and Specs’ adventures tend to go.

    Contacts: Actually, yeah, something like that.

  10. batjamags says:

    New theory:

    So, we’re told that Serpent-Tyrant destroyed Elfaron (*Wince* I’m calling it Elf-land.), but he doesn’t show that kind of destructive capability, and the stone was not at all lost in the damage incurred.

    So, what if Serpent-Tyrant wasn’t the one who destroyed Elf-land? What if the stone was put there afterwards, and Ilia found it later?

    What I’m saying is that the Grand Ruler destroyed Elf-land and hid the stone there. Ilia grew up in the wreckage with Serpent-Tyrant looking for the stone, so she assumed ST was the one who had caused the damage. When the Grand Ruler discovered she was still alive? Bam. Now the Elves are extinct.

    Of course, he had to snuff her out at a convenient time, and he couldn’t let her into his racially pure kingdom, so he had to take her out in transit. That enabled him to feed his stooges that bullshit story about informing her father.

    Grand Ruler gets the stone, and no one knows about his little act of genocide. Impressively efficient, in a monstrous sort of way.

    • erttheking says:

      Well it certainly fits the way the guy acts.

    • AdmiralSakai says:

      For that matter, we never see Serpentyrant actually try to harm Ilia, only Artie (one of the Grand Ruler’s minions). It tunnels into the wreckage, but we don’t know what it was going to do once it got to her.

      What if she survived all that time on the planet because Serpentyrant looked after her?

      (It’d explain how she got the stone, as well.)

      • batjamags says:

        I love it when a fic’s moral compass is so busted that you can make a compelling argument for the supposed villains being more heroic than the protagonists. That way you can think of the fic as being failed propaganda by the evil side.

    • TacoMagic says:

      Additional theory: Grand Ruler is the reincarnation of Buster.

      • batjamags says:

        So, characters who are complete non-entities in the story, but are the leaders of a state which can be inferred/is shown to be an Orwellian hellhole, and who are probably/clearly genocidal, racist maniacs?

        Hmm…

        Nah, I don’t see it.

  11. AdmiralSakai says:

    Their horns were glowing faster

    … so they started flying brighter?

  12. TacoMagic says:

    Ert: It kind of is, if only because it shows how jaw droopingly incompetent you are. Fuck, I’ve been able to de-weed a garden since I was thirteen, it’s not hard. Provided you haven’t gotten something that goes ridiculously deep, requiring you to dig up a good bit of the surrounding area to get it out. That has happened to me a few times.

    Man, burdock can go fuck itself. I don’t need weeds with a foot-long taproot.

  13. TacoMagic says:

    Shepard: So how does he adjust his horn from tracking the rainbow stone to tracking Artie? And how does he know that orange leads him to Artie? How does he know that it won’t lead him back to where he started?

    Let me direct you to the following flowchart:

  14. TacoMagic says:

    Shepard: Elf huh? You know it’s an annoying cliche that elves are always archers than live in forests, but I’d take that over this kind of elf. She strikes me more of the type of elf that lives in a tree and bakes cookies.

    Dammit, Shepard, now I want and EL Fudge.

  15. TacoMagic says:

    Nora: And no one went back for her? Well, her parents are either dead or assholes. Probably assholes, because this story just can’t say that someone actually freaking died for some reason.

    Something just occurred to me. In season 14 of Sesame Street, Will Lee, who played Mr. Hoopfer, suffered a heart attack and died. In season 15, they produced the episode “Death of Mr. Hooper” where they address this death rather than going with one of their alternative episode ideas of having him retire and move away. In the end the producers felt it was important to be real and honest with the young viewers rather than sugar coat the situation.

    So, because of this, Sesame Street is more dark and edgy than this fic.

    Talk about a fucking accomplishment.

  16. CrunchyRaptor says:

    “I am… Serpent-Terror…!”

    This fic has made me feel immeasurably more secure in my mother’s choice to name the “runts” after the texture she expected should the urge to snack ever have taken her in the middle of the night.

    I will say that my half-brother from the August clutch, Greasy, got a much shorter stick than I. Though his name did turn out to to be rather apropos.

  17. TacoMagic says:

    The portal gate in Grand Ruler’s palace was glowing madly, and in a bright flare, the boys emerged, and landed with a thud, and the stone doors closed tight concealing the portal away. “No, wait!” cried Buddy Rose, but it was too late.

    This is somewhat reminiscent of closing the iris on the Stargate then hearing something hit it before materialization.

  18. Addicted Reader says:

    WHY IS THE SERPENT CALLING OUT ITS ATTACKS LIKE THE UNICORNS DO???

    ::ahem::

    It’s just so dumb!

  19. "Lyle" says:

    Ert: We are at war with Eurasia. We have always been at war with Eurasia.

    I get it! I get the reference! *self-satisfied smugness*

  20. "Lyle" says:

    The only good thing about this chapter is that it didn’t have Rhymey in it.


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