1374: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors – Chapter Eleven, Part Six

Title: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors
Author: Stone-Man85
Media: Movie
Topic: Princess Mononoke
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Chapter 11
Critiqued by SC, Goldie, Grey and Cas

Hello, and artichoke-

…Fucking autocorrect.

Hello, and welcome back to Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors, by Stone-Man85! I’m your host, SC, and last time, Alex fucked up San’s first attempt on Eboshi’s life, they fell off a roof, Simon mocked Alex’s motives (because, really, we all know it’s for the sex where he’s concerned, this romance plot is a joke), and we left off just as San and Alex were about to get shot to shit.

Grey: Oh, well at least you saved the best part for us, then!

Don’t count on it. Yeah, there’s gonna be gunfire, but Alex and San aren’t gonna be killed by it. That’s not even me guessing.

Yes, as you can see, I’ve brought the Kids and Co. back, because they were whining at me about not getting as many riffing opportunities as their parents – really not sure why they want to be involved in this riff so badly; should probably blame Contacts – and this week has Goldie, Cas and Grey with me. I guess Rose and Ozzy are out sick or something.

Cas: Actually, their mum went kiddo on them again.

Goldie: And Aunt Shades tried to kill us when we asked if she could look after her.

We give Shades so much shit because of that one riff. I almost think she deserves a spa day just as an apology.

Grey: Right, our mum, who thinks spas are for wankers. That’ll work out well.

She just says that because she’s never been to one.

Anyhow! Let’s get back to my hopes and dreams being dashed as Alex and Sannabe both survive a torrent of bullets!

Cas: …Are you crying, mate?

I might be.

Two blasts erupted from the muzzle of each woman’s rifle, sending two iron bullets screaming towards the wolf-girl. One missed, but the other struck the center of her mask, shattering it and sent her flying backwards. When she hit the ground once more, her head was slammed against it, knocking her out-cold.

Goldie: Well, if we can’t have her dead, at least we can get the next best thing.

Yeah, for like five seconds.

Goldie: You have no faith in this fic at all, do you?

You do?!

“No!” Alex exclaimed, thinking that the shot may have killed her.

If only.

I’m a damn San fanboy and I’m saying this, what’s that tell you about how badly this fic has ruined her character?

Grey: You know it only gets worse, don’t you?

Yes I do know thaaaaat!

*SC sobs disgustingly*

Goldie: …How much longer do we have until this chapter is over, again?

“She’s down,” Gonza bellowed, unsheathing his long sword, “Take the wolf-whore’s head while we still have that chance!” He pointed the blade at the ironworks building and started running. “For the glory of Lady Eboshi!”

“For the glory of lady Eboshi!” twenty other men repeated, following close behind Gonza with their staves clutched in both hands.

Cas: Man, if the result wasn’t already foretold simply by how predictable this story is, I’d almost be enthralled with this development.

“No!” Alex shouted as loud as he could, forgetting his injury, “DON’T YOU DARE COME NEAR HER!”

Grey: Wait, let me guess: his powers go batty on him again?

Yeah. Because, you know, we can’t go one damn chapter without being reminded that HE HAS SO LITTLE CONTROL OF HIS INNER DEEEEEEMONS!!!!!!!!!!

Goldie: Should we start counting that on the buzzer?

Nah. What saves Stone-Man85 on that front is that it’s not practically every other paragraph that he brings it up. It literally is, “at least once per chapter,” which is far more tolerable.

A torrent of vicious power suddenly surged from his body, ripping through the air, faster than the speed of sound itself. He shot both of his hands into the roof, and without even wasting time, pulled out two of the roof’s support beams. And then turned his attention back to Gonza and the men; he then hurled the two beams at them, like spears, piercing the ground.

Fuck’s sake, how far am I through this part, and I’m already at this point? It gets worse with every installment…

*SC removes his glasses and hooks them on his shirt collar*

So, not that I really think anybody needs to be told, but I’d like to take a moment here to note that ripping support beams out means that Alex has just collapsed someone’s roof on that side, all because his stiffy for San is raging uncontrollably. An innocent person, maybe multiple people, who can barely get through their day without living in fear of attacks like this, just had their house fucked up for some little boy’s libido-driven asininity. It really packs on the layers of scumbaggery when you recall that the Irontown people only do what they do for the sake of their own survival, and then have to suffer this injustice on top of so many others. And we’re supposed to see Alex as the hero, keep in mind.

You know why Ashitaka is the hero of the actual movie?

BECAUSE HE DIDN’T DO ANY OF THE SHIT ALEX IS DOING.

If anything, he did the exact OPPOSITE of what Alex is doing.

Stone-Man85 is so wrapped up in his damn power fantasy that he completely missed the point of the quest to find a cure for a curse that is built around hatred and bias. I’m fucking flabbergasted. You’re writing a fic about a movie that, among other messages, preached peace and kindness and being able to forgive even in the worst of circumstances, and you somehow manage to misconstrue it as, “let’s fight everybody like it’s Dragonball-fucking-Z!”

Oh, and you may as well just drop the pretense of a moral struggle at this point. Alex is such a fucking hypocrite. “I’m gonna look at the world with an unbiased mind – but San is super hot, and Irontown is fucking evil, and how dare they try and kill San, I’m gonna pretend San’s plight is mine and use it as an excuse to rail at them every time they speak any ill about her.”

Alexander Killian has made his bed, let’s stop trying to claim otherwise.

I don’t think I’ve ever read a story where I violently wish suffering and failure upon the protagonist, WHO I’M SUPPOSED TO ROOT FOR, before now. And you’re talking to a guy who’s read stories where the concept of a “protagonist” is so damn abstract amongst all the villains that they may as well not exist in that story’s universe.

*SC puts his glasses back on*

Well, I don’t feel much better, but at least I got that off my che- WHOA, HOLY SHIT! The entire chamber is on fire!

*Indeed, the entire riffing chamber is charred black, with several large holes burned into the walls and floor*

Goldie, peeking up from under desk: Yeah, funny story, I think your eye lasers are powered by how pissed off you are?

Grey, hanging from the ceiling fan: Whatever powers the fucking things, I’d appreciate if you would try and avoid roasting my arse in the future. At least when I’m not guilty of doing anything.

Oh, sorry about tha-

*SNAP*

Grey: Shiiiiite!!!

*Grey crashes onto SC’s computer, back-first, and smashes SC’s desk into splinters*

…Well now I’m gonna roast your ass for breaking my damn desk.

Grey: And your fan…

I never use the fan, you’re off the hook for that. With me, at least. Lyle might have your head for it.

Cas: Strangely, I’m unaffected by all of this.

Goldie: Don’t be so sure, when Benji shoved me to safety under the desk, my gun discharged and lasered a hole in your book bag. Probably through all your books, too.

Cas: YOU CUNTING GOBSHITE!

Goldie: Sorry.

I’m not going any further in this riff until we clean this mess up, so I’ma do one of these-

~ONE MESS CLEANING LATER~

-And we’re good!

Grey: I don’t think duct taping your desk back together and nailing pieces of paper over the burned holes in the walls counts as fixing things, mate.

Fuck do I look like, Bifocals? If you’ve got a better solution, by all means-

Goldie: I’m kind of her son. You could have asked me.

…Oh.

Of course, he didn’t kill them,

Cas: Oh, of course.

Goldie: I mean, duh, right?

but they had pierced the ground near Gonza’s feet, causing the mob to stop in fear.

Grey: Pansies.

You know, not everybody is as used to have gigantic objects hurled at them as you guys are.

Grey: Well, then they need to get with the bloody program!

When he felt his destructive yet powerful strength beginning to subside,

Because you can totally be destructive but break your wrist punching a pillow, sure.

Goldie: You know, you say that, but Rose is a living example of exactly that. I’ve seen her tear a car in half with her bare hands, and then whine about how much her arms hurt afterwards.

I can see which parent she takes after.

Alex leapt off the edge of the roof and fell to the ground many feet below. Despite the distance he had dropped, he landed with the ample grace of a cat and without even batting an eye.

Cas: Ozzy’s gonna have a conniption.

Grey: I’ll bring the video camera.

The marks all over his body were now throbbing and burning like never before, and he could feel the demon within himself fighting to take control once again. But no matter how strong it was, Nathan wasn’t going to surrender himself to its dominion again.

*SC slaps a buzzer*

Hi, Nathan!: 15

Goldie: How many times, in this chapter alone, have you hit the Nathan buzzer?

I’m probably not done yet, let’s just put it that way.

He ran over to the unconscious girl and crouched next to her. Once again he found himself entranced by the mysterious beauty of her face.

Grey: She has a face and it looks good. What’s mysterious, here?

Goldie: Maybe it’s mysterious because the only girl’s face he’s ever seen before was his sister’s?

Grey: Oh-hooo!

*Grey and Goldie high-five*

Yowza. And here I thought it was Shades’ kids who used flamethrowers.

Cas: FB_IMG_1459313939040

But now was not the time to be ogling; he shook his head as he attempted to wake the girl up, or at least hope to see if she lived.

IMG_20160401_003225

“Hey,” he said, shaking her gently, “Come on, wake up,” He looked over his shoulder and saw that Gonza and his twenty lackeys were on the move again. “Come on, you crazy idiot, wake up!” he yelled slapping her cheek.

Grey: See, now, if it were me trying to wake someone up, I’d just fire a potshot over their heads. Wakes them up right quick.

Goldie: And gives them a heart attack, makes them shit themselves, and possibly faint back unconscious again.

Cas: Well, he never said it was a healthy method of doing things.

Grey: Fuck healthy, if I want you to wake your arse up, you’re going to wake your arse up.

To his relief, the young wolf-girl began to open her eyes.

It took a few seconds for San’s mind to function normally once again. When the blurriness of her vision finally cleared, she looked up and found herself once again face to face with the strange looking human with the fair-colored skin. Letting pure compulsive reflex take control of her body, the young wolf-girl flashed her arm outward and back-handed the human so roughly across his face that it sent him flying several feet back.

Holy fuck!

Goldie: Shit, San’s arms must be loaded with gunpowder, throwing backhands like that.

Cas: I think I see why Alex is so hard for her.

Grey: Do I need to shoot you, mate? Because I definitely will.

She then picked up her dagger and darted towards the approaching humans.

Now we’ll see if that “knife to a gun fight” thing was TRULY busted by Mythbusters.

Grey: I still say it wasn’t, but that’s only because I’m a proper quick-draw and Adam kept fumbling with the gun.

Cas: I still say it wasn’t, because if it was a fight, why don’t you have your damn gun out in the first place?

Goldie: You might have guessed, but the Deckard-Lordic family kind of had a conniption with that episode.

I’m picking up that feeling, yeah.

The one with the shaved head and beard, the man she had often heard the gun-woman refer to ‘Gonza’ lunged towards her with his long sword drawn back.

Goldie: You know longsword lunges work better with a forward thrust instead of drawing back a wide-arcing slice, right?

Well, remember, Gonza’s sword is like a really long katana.

Goldie: My point stands. And by the way, why is he lunging in the first place? San is rushing right at him, he should be playing defensively and retaliating through counters. Drawing back for a wide-arcing slash is an offensive move, and a pretty damn obvious one, at that.

Grey: Oh, now you’ve done it, you’ve brought out his dad.

Specs would be so proud.

[Attaboy, Goalie! -Specs]

[Oh, he was so close… -Book Specs]

Moving with inhumanly fast accuracy,

Should I make a buzzer for the sheer number of times the author puffs San’s greatness up way beyond what it actually is?

Cas: Would you be able to keep track of that counter?

Probably not.

San leapt over the slashing blade, dodging it by mere inches and performed a graceful mid-air somersault.

Goldie: Gonza opened on a waist slash? Fucking idiot. Not only was the draw predictable, he evidently slashed too low because San is able to jump over it. And on the flipside, San is wasting valuable retaliation time on pointless acrobatics? Also a fucking idiot. By the time she comes out of that flip, if a lucky musketeer with good aim hasn’t already sniped her out of the sky, and if he has any brain in his head, Gonza can come right back around and take her head off right then and there. Hoo boy, this is gearing up to hurt.

It’s gonna get worse right about now.

As she descended the young wolf-girl drove one foot into Gonza’s face, then kicked him with her other. The force of kick sent San flying over the heads of the other men who were frozen with bewilderment.

On the one hand, yes, San does stomp on Gonza’s face to get by him in the canon. On the other hand, there’s no bullshit acrobatics.

As soon as she landed on the other side of the group, the young wolf-girl’s dark eyes immediately locked on the single reason she had come to this disgusting town in the first place. The vile gun-woman, known only as Lady Eboshi.

Blaring a savage cry of war, she clutched her dagger tightly and rushed through the wide Iron town street, lost in a state of raw ferocity, “You’re mine, Gun-Woman!” she screamed and brought her dagger back, ready to thrust it deep into Eboshi’s heart.

*Cas blinks, pulls out a book on human anatomy, and a moment later looks as though a suspicion of his has been confirmed*

Cas: Right, so I’m not about to make an arse of myself. You know, it hasn’t been mentioned yet here, but one of the things these stories always seem to forget is that the heart is encased behind a cage of bones. They just always have the individual doing the stabbing miraculously puncture the heart as if it was right under the skin with no means of protection. Like, really, San probably has no idea which of the ribs to run her knife in between in order to get the killshot.

Grey: You had to look that up in order to keep from looking bad?

Cas: Sadly.

Goldie: It’s not just that, either; everybody always thinks that the heart sits at the left pectoral area, right in front of everything, but in reality, if you take a look at any current-day diagrams of the human anatomy, it shows that the heart is actually square, dead-center of your chest cavity, under the lungs.

So in other words, even if San gets past the ribcage somehow, she’ll more likely hit a lung than the heart, as the fic intends?

Cas: Almost certainly, regardless of how the fic’s going to word it.

Well, the fic is going to have the attack fail, so no worries on that front.

Grey: By the way, “cage of bones” sounds like an amazing metal band.

I know, right?

However, just as San made her attack, the seemingly unfazed mistress of Iron Town threw aside her cloak, revealing the sword she had been holding the entire time.

Ha-ha! It was a clever trap, Batman!

There was a flash of bright sparks as the two blades struck.

Goldie: No there wasn’t, because blades don’t spark off each other. This isn’t fucking Highlander, there’s no wires running down the actors’ arms to make the weapons spark like a broken power line. That’s not reality. That’s Hollywood, and it pisses me off.

Grey: Yeah, what he said.

Yeah, real swordfights look considerably less flashy, even when using real swords. Here, to prove my point, have a demonstration video of two teachers sparring with sabers, courtesy of Skallagrim, a practitioner of swordplay:

Notice how not one single clash of the two swords resulted in a large, fiery explosion of sparks? Yeah, that’s because it doesn’t happen. Ever.

And if you think that this means you can’t make swordplay look cool, I would happily direct your attention at this comic I found from a HEMA group on Facebook that illustrates quite the opposite:

My point, proven. Thank you, Facebook.

My point, proven. Thank you, Facebook.

So. Your move, Stone-Man85.

San Jumped back, seeing that her initial attack had failed and moved in for another strike. Her movements were as precise and deadly as any seasoned warrior, and her skill with the blade was matched only by her ferocious nature. She was perhaps one of the world’s most lethal fighters, for not only did she posses the speed and sharp whit of a human, but also the strategic cunning of a wolf.

Really starting to think I need that counter. Oh and by the way, almost all of this paragraph is bullshit. The only combat experience San has, at all, is what she picked up on her own from constantly attacking Irontown and Eboshi. Which means she’s about as seasoned as a slice of bread.

Goldie: And we’ve all seen what kind of strategic thinking she’s not capable of. It wouldn’t take a Fire Emblem Tactician to outmaneuver her, that’s for damn sure. Oh, and, “skill with a blade?” Yeah, I’ll believe that when I actually see it. Consider me unconvinced.

Cas: And, funny thing, for supposedly having a wolf’s cunning, she sure told her brothers to piss off right quick before this whole debacle started. I get that they probably couldn’t get by the wall, but they would have probably found a solution to that problem. That’s the way of canines, they’re a stubborn sort. “Do not enter” is a difficult concept for them to grasp. And these ones are, if not gods, then the Japanese equivalent of demigods. So, you know, extra determination. So that “wolf cunning” bit is a load of hogwash.

Grey: Let’s not forget: canonically, she’s like fifteen, sixteen, somewhere in that area. According to this fic, she’s seventeen or eighteen-ish. Either way, one and a half decades is hardly enough time to become a master of anything to the point that you would warrant this kind of arse-kissing. Hell, Cas and I are ace marksmen, Goldie’s an engineering, swordfighting whiz kid, Rose and Ozzy are living tanks, and all of us have been at this superhero gig for like three years, and nobody even looks at us twice half the time.

…Yeah, fuck it, I’m making a buzzer. But I think I’ll just start from here, rather than going back through all the ass-kissery. It’s easier, and makes me want to cry less. Besides, there’s probably plenty more to come.

*Goldie snaps his fingers, and a buzzer materializes in his hand, which he then presses*

Stop Sucking San’s Lady-Dick: 1 (previous instances excluded to save time)

Oh, thanks.

Goldie: Forgot I could do that, didn’t you?

Yeah, kinda.

But unlike most of the other human’s San has encountered over the years, there was one thing that she was not, and that was stupid.

Grey: Sure, and I sell bridges to trolls.

Though the young wolf-girl held tremendous confidence in her abilities as both a wolf and a fighter, she knew exactly when to recognize an opponent equal to herself. And though it disgusted her to admit it, Eboshi was just as deadly and just as cunning as she was.

Actually more so, since Eboshi has trained forces backing her, let San walk into her turf rather than trying to engage on Moro’s, and actually uses some measure of common sense when making any moves, whereas San flings herself rabidly into battle anywhere, anytime, with or without a workable strategy and at the first excuse, and her only present ally is some dumbfuck who can barely keep a lid on his demon powers and has done nothing but hinder her from the moment they crossed paths, when she COULD have kept two much more capable companions in her brothers along for the fight and actually gotten somewhere by now.

Goldie: Yes, truly, San is the epitome of strategic genius.

Verily.

“I thought you came here to take my life,” Eboshi bated, slashing her sword. The wolf-girl dodged the attack and whirled around to retaliate. Eboshi just swatted the dagger aside. “Why do you hold back?”

Normally I’d say it’s not wise to mock your opponent, but San’s accomplished fuck-all so far, so I don’t think Eboshi’s got much to fear at this point.

Hurling herself towards her opponent, San thrashed her dagger in a berserker onslaught of attacks.

Goldie: Allow me to repeat this fic’s words, to really sell home how contradictory the ass-kissing about San is: “skill with a blade.

She moved like a gyrating cyclone,

Uh oh, Sannabe’s trying to move in on Paulo’s turf.

Cas: …Beg pardon?

One of Paulo’s many titles, and by far his most popular, is “Dervish of Blades.”

Cas: Oooh.

Grey: He’s gonna be pissed.

[Oh, I already very much am. -Sir Paulo Rori]

her fur cloak and hair whipping around, synchronized with her every movement.

Goldie: Gee, I sure wish my clothes and hair were in sync with my every movement in a fight, rather than flipping around like motherfuckers.

When she saw the sword advancing on her she back flipped away from the older woman.

And you know what that little trick would net her in the real world? FUCKING BYE, UTERUS!

Goldie: You seem to have this idea in your head that Eboshi would by striking so slowly that San would at least be at the climax of her flip’s arc before she suffered a hit. I’d place the shot more around her stomach or lower solar plexus area.

So I might have slightly more faith in her abilities than you do, I don’t really see the problem here. She’ll still get fucked either way.

As the two combatants circled each other hundreds of townspeople began crowding around them, forming a living ring of shouted, screaming, and wild cheering for Eboshi to kill the Wolf Girl.

Goldie: Would that include you, by any chance?

You know, at this point, this fic has bastardized the character of San that I know and love so much that, yeah, I probably would cheer Eboshi on.

A sudden realization came over San as she kept her eyes fixed on her opponent. After carefully observing and studying the woman’s movements and attacks, she knew instantly that she had greatly underestimated Eboshi. The woman moved like water, fast, fluent and completely unpredictable, making it impossible to decipher the pattern of her attacks, assuming she even had a pattern at all.

Goldie: Oh, there’s a pattern, it’s just that you suck at finding it, because those “skills” the fic claims you have with blades, surprise surprise, don’t exist.

Grey: I will be thoroughly surprised if Goldie doesn’t do to Sannabe what SC did to Alex after this riff is done.

Cas: We’re almost at the end of this, so I guess we’ll find out right quick.

Then with absolutely no signal, no motion given to indicate the attack,

Goldie: THERE IS ALWAYS A MOTION.

the two women rushed at each other once again, their weapons poised for the kill. Eboshi suddenly stopped, slashed her blade upward and knocked San’s dagger right out of her hand.

Goldie: Saw that one coming…

It had happened so quickly that San was thrown off balance. For a brief moment she caught a glimpse of Eboshi’s sinister smile. Her dark eyes sudden widened and before she could even move a finger, felt the sharp sting of cold metal slicing through her side. She cried out in agony as she staggered to the ground, pressing her hands against the freshly opened wound that was leaking with blood. Through half blurry eyes she looked up and saw Eboshi looming over. There was a small assassins knife in her hand.

All that time wasted building San up to be this great and mighty warrior, and the minute she meets Eboshi head-on, she gets trounced. And I bet if I confronted Stone-Man85 about it, he’d probably try to bullshit up some farce about how superheroes in movies brag about their powers all the time or something to try and duck having to actually answer for his shitty character building.

The gun-woman smirked arrogantly before slamming her sandaled foot into the young wolf-girl’s stomach knocking every breath of air from her lungs.

San was thrown back several feet, scraping along the ground every inch of the way. Before she could even cough, the dozens of wild humans that had been watching the bout were suddenly upon her.

WHOO! SHE DED!

…Except no, because this fic still has like thirty chapters or something, and I’m not even done with this one yet.

Fuck.

Well, thanks for reading, folks, and stay tuned for next time! Alex spent most of this part not involved, and we all know he can’t stand bit being in the spotlight, so he’ll probably try and pretend to be the hero in the next part. In the meantime, I’m SC, and on behalf of Goldie, Grey and Cas, I’ll see you next time!

*Goldie snaps his fingers, and the character-yoinking machine materializes in the room*

The fuck are you doing with that?

Goldie: Take a guess.

*Goldie points the machine’s vacuum nozzle at the fic and pulls the trigger; one stuffy nose sound later, angry banging and growling can be heard from the container behind him*

Wow, you really did just yoink Sannabe.

Grey: Called it!

Cas: Good thing we didn’t bet any money.

Advertisements

9 Comments on “1374: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors – Chapter Eleven, Part Six”

  1. Complete non sequitur but I’m really pissed right now.

    That moment when the Water Company does something or other and cuts off water to all of the Neighborhood. This means no tea, no toilet flushing, no showers, no tea, no oatmeal, no regular water, no tea.

    Thankfully, we’ll be out of the house most of the day.

  2. TacoMagic says:

    Cas: Right, so I’m not about to make an arse of myself. You know, it hasn’t been mentioned yet here, but one of the things these stories always seem to forget is that the heart is encased behind a cage of bones.

    That’s only partially true. The center of the heart is located behind the sternum, which is a bony plate surrounded by cartilage. If you attack the chest dead center with a blade stab, you’ve got a good chance of deflecting to either side of the sternum, going through the relatively soft cartilage that surrounds it, and hitting the heart. Cartilage is pretty strong, but a sharp knife has little problem going through it point first.

    So, moral of the story, aim centrally or slightly off to the side; don’t go for the tricky “between rib” shenanigans.

  3. Swenia says:

    . Through half blurry eyes she looked up and saw Eboshi looming over. There was a small assassins knife in her hand.

    You have a sword out, moron! Don’t play with your food, just kill her and be done with it!

  4. "Lyle" says:

    I never use the fan, you’re off the hook for that. With me, at least. Lyle might have your head for it.

    *walks in, looks at the mess, shakes her head, and just walks right back out again, leaving behind an aura of deep disappointment*


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s