1369: The Marrissa Games – Chapter Six

Title: The Marissa Games
Author:  Marissa the Writer
Media: Books/Movies/Video Games
Topic: The Hunger Games / Portal / MIB II / Team Fortress / Thomas the Trai- [Fuck it, I’m not adding any more to this list!  – Lyle]  The Kitchen Sink
Genre: Not Listed
URL:  Chapter Five
Critiqued by agigabyte and Ghostcat (with special guests Goddess, Cain, and Syl)

Last Time, on the Marissa Games:

Cain: I hired the Big Lipped Alligator to find me an interrupting Cow, then payed the Cow to become a permanent Cast Member. It took a liking to Cerbersheep and joined him. Anyway, I also have Garrus here with me.

Goddess: *Headdesk* We’re in the goddamn title and we already have a ping on the counter. THE TITLE.

Ghostie: Which part of that was a verb not being a verb? Or do we ding all misspellings now?

Goddess: She didn’t put an apostrophe on “gettin’”.

Ghostie: I don’t think it counts. It’s more of a spelling error than a verb error.

Syl: Fucking rules lawyer.

Goddess: Don’t care. I bribed Monitor.

Cain: Well, I had Agent [REDACTED] bribe him more.


Goddess: Holy shit. He just played us to get some popcorn and prove he’s a chessmaster. That egotistical bastard.Syl: Cheating asshole!

Ghostie: I, for one, would welcome blindness right now.

Cain: I, for one, wish they were permanently blind.

Goddess: I, for one, wish they had gotten crushed by the asterood asteroid.

Garrus: I, for one, wish that they were inflicted with the Genophage and couldn’t reproduce.

Agent [REDACTED]: I, for one, will go grievously harm Marissa for a few minutes.

Syl: I, for one, would like some pie.

(I really wish this gag would stop)- Monitor

Cain: Did [CLASSIFIED] just talk?

Agent [CLASSIFIED]: *Shakes head “no”*




Ghostie: Nani? What does that even mean? It sounds like some new setting, the country of Prakisticin.


Ghostie: Cain, I think you need to sit down for a few minutes.

Cain: I’m fine!

Agent [REDACTED]: *Knocks Cain to the ground* He’s lying down. Does that count?


Cain: Good. Consolidate our forces, and begin a search. Find Goddess.Agent [INEXPLICABLE]: *Appears and starts arranging letters be pulls out of the Void* The ship is secure. What about the Stu Ring? Markus is an Awesome McEvil, but if Goddess gets it…

Cain: No. Since she’s an Awesome McEvil, she has to fight him as one. With the Ring he’s more powerful, and can’t be defeated by her. All the same, post a guard detail there.

Agent [INEXPLICABLE]: *Sends the letters back to the void and disappears*

Cain: Well, everyone, this has been Cain from the GNS Somewhere. I’ll try and be back soon with another riff. For now, however, I’m signing off.

Cain: And now I’m back on. I threw in that thing as a refresher for everyone. Tell me how you like it.

Ghostie: I feel dizzy now.

Cain: Um. I’m not sure that’s supposed to happen.

Syl: I might have buzzed a few satellites with the shuttle on the way here.

Cain: *Sighs* *Retcons it* You know, Retconning things does tire me out a bit.

Syl: Then why do you do it so much? Learn to let things go.

Cain: A lot of Retcons are because otherwise it risks security, or it would take a lot more effort from a lot more people. As for agig, he just annoys me almost as much as you.

Syl: You have a whole fleet at your disposal. Just toss a few of those red sweaters at the problem.

Cain: Do you have any idea how much overtime I have to pay the Janitors when I send Redshirts to do things?

Diesel: You also have a Superhero Complex.

Ghostie: You pay your minions? :snorts:

Cain: Unlike some people, I run a functioning government and military. And economy. And private sector. You get the point.

Ghostie: Seems like there would be a conflict of interest there.

Cain: You mean with the Library? I just have a bunch of clones of me under my direct control doing stuff.

Ghostie: No, the private sector and the government sector.

Cain: Ah. Well, I leave private sector to the CEOs and such most of the time. I really just take over when necessary (usually because of Goddess doing things), using my authority to skip the red tape.

Syl: Monkeyballs. If you two start chattering on about diversifying your portfolios, I’m nipping out for a drink.

Diesel: He does this a lot. So does Dakota. I think it’s a side effect of being a person of massive authority. Anyway, we should probably start.

Ghostie: Awww…

MarrissaTheWriter (InsaneGuyOfDOOM)





Ghostie: … What am I looking at? Is this the Wubbulous World of Dr. Seuss?

Cain: *Pours Gargleblasters* One of the many reasons this is terrible.

Syl: :takes Gargleblaster and adds mysterious green liquid before drinking:

J an K gotted in Presdant Licans

Not a Verb Counter: 516


Cain: I don’t think the President is a Werewolf. I’m pretty sure that’s President Lincoln.

Diesel: I’d have thought that you’d love Werewolves, given your obsession with zombies.

Ghostie: I had a bad experience with werewolves in KDVS.

spesal president time mashine to go buck in time to TEEN FORTRESS 2. “Im scare J, we never backed in past befour.” K cried lick baby.

Not a Verb Counter: 517

Syl: Man up, cupcake. You have a time machine – you’re going to go into the past sometime.

Cain: Also, this is not K’s character. Who the hell even is this?!

Ghostie: Are we missing any interns? They tend to get a bit weepy when you ask them to do simple chores like clean out Gumdrop’s litter box.

Diesel: I’m going to pretend I didn’t think about that.

Syl: :shudders: You never want to be on litter box duty. :giggles: “Duty.”

Cain: The epitome of maturity in our resident pirate. *An energy shield appears around Syl*

Syl: :makes rude gesture:

“Dont worry I did in Men in Back 3 so Ill show u the ropes.” They time mashined into the tim streem were thins was all wavy an slow mo. “WATS GOIN OWN?!?!?!?1/1” Scared K.

Not a Verb Counter: 519

Ghostie: Looks like Tim Streem is back, and he’s lost weight. And gotten a perm.

“W3e are in teh time streem, wach out theres are stop!” Both jomped out an landed at Portal High School.

Not a Verb Counter: 521

Ghostie: :repeatedly headdesks and holds out her glass: Top me up, please.

Cain: *Refills the glass* Now, what the fuck did I just read?!

Next J an K put on sort shorts that was sooo tiny they was almos like panteys an crop tops an thongs an flipe flops but kept tere glazes. Now they locked like reglar tennagers and cold be undercober loachasun Teen Fortress 2. K started to go into school but eh herd.

Not a Verb Counter: 522

Syl: What school are these two going to?

Cain: The kind where guns can be brought to school and raped.

Ghostie: Does that say that they are undercover leprechauns?

“SHAKE IT BAKE IT BOOTY QAKE IT ROLL IT A ROUND!” J sung an dance an shake butt all jiggly wiggly.

Not a Verb Counter: 523

Diesel: Here it is, the moment we’ve all been dreading!

Ghostie: :grabs pitcher of Gargleblasters and chugs:

Syl: :takes out cell phone: This is going on YouTube.

*An Agent with a handlebar mustache and a monocle appears, holding two more pitchers with his mustache*

Cain: You can set them over in the third corner from the door, Agent [GREY]

Syl: waves: Hi!

Agent [GREY]: Very good, sir. *Sets them down* Did the pirate have to be here, sir?

Syl: :blows raspberry at Agent: Where’s Fluffy? He’s fun.

Cain: At least I made a shield around her. Also, Fluffy?

Syl: Agent [INEXPLICABLE]. It’s my little pet name for him.

Diesel: My mind went places I wish it hadn’t.

Ghostie: I suggest more drinking.

Agent [GREY] *Pours the four drinks*

Syl: Energy shield.

Agent [GREY] I know. You weren’t included in the four. *Drinks*

Syl: Rude. :produces her own drink:

Agent [GREY]: *Shrugs* I’ve never been good at the stereotypical politeness of my fellows on Earth.

Syl: Must be a different Earth, the ones here are right bastards at times. Fun to poke, though.

Diesel: Pretty sure he was talking about England. They’re stereotyped as being extremely polite in both realities.

Syl: I thought that was Canada?

Cain: Yes.

Ghostie: Canada is like England Lite.

“J stop foolin round we need to find Teen Fortress 3.”

Not a Verb Counter: 524

Cain: That’s something I’ve been wondering. Where is Teen Fortress one?

Ghostie: Sweet mercy, there’s a third one?!?

Cain: I choose to ignore the existence of them. Thankfully, they never got a fic.

Syl: :draws dirty pictures on the inside of the energy shield:

Cain: *Sighs*

Ghostie: Welcome to my Hell.

*The shield flares and then goes back to normal*

Cain: Thankfully, we have provisions for you. They were originally designed for Goddess, but you two are alike enough that it works for both.

Syl: I get another drink, right? And pie?

Cain: What is your obsession with pie? And you’ve stolen plenty of our drinks.

Syl: Who doesn’t like pie? It’s one of humanity’s greatest inventions, right up there with playing cards and butterscotch.

Cain: I like it, but you’re as obsessed with it as Ghostie is zombies.


:Ghostie looks at Syl:

Ghostie: Did we just agree on something?

Syl: I know. It feels weird.

Diesel: Ladies and gentlemen, a once in a lifetime event. Also, *Produces a golden zombie action figure and tosses it at Ghostie*

K deadpanned so J stoped but frown. “U never let me haf any fun =(”

Not a Verb Counter: 526

Syl: I know the feels. I never get to have any fun, either. :taps on energy shield: Bunch of party poopers.

Cain: Don’t encourage the booty quake. …I can’t believe I just said that.

K taked a boom out of his thing an throo it at door to explode it up. “ZOOM ZAM BIM BAM BOOOOM!!121” The door said an exploted

Not a Verb Counter: 527

Cain: I forgot about the sentient doors.

Screen: Just like the author forgets about me.

Syl: Poor absence of light screen. I still think about you.

Geronimo: *Peeks her head in* Poor screen, doesn’t get much him time.*Leaves*

Cain: Ugh. Of all the experienced Army Officers, it had to be her.

then J an K raned in.

Syl: It’s Raining Men! Hallelujah!

Ghostie: :facepalms:

A mussely guy an a other guy walk upt at them. “OMG are u new studants?”

Ghostie: Please, no more Stus.

Cave Jonson (the GOOD ONE HO USED TO BE GABE) said an wave.

Cain: I don’t remember Gabe/Cave being heavily muscled. Is the other one Heavy?

Ghostie: I think he acquired muscles in Android Hell.

Cain: I don’t think that happened yet. Then again, Marissa never demonstrated a good grasp on time.

Ghostie: Time travel shenanigans play hell with a plot line.

Syl: There’s a plot line?

The other guy was Tatman.

Ghostie: Tatman? Is that supposed to be Ratman?

Syl: Maybe he got some new ink?

“Yah we are lookin for Teen Fortress 2 we want to be there new frends.” J gangsta voiced tryin a be cool an hip to imprise Gave.

Not a Verb Counter: 530

Cain: This doesn’t even seem like Marissa tried to make him speak differently from normal. Not that I’m complaining, since it means we don’t have to see her attempts at gangster speech.

Ghostie: Given her interpretation of a British dialect with Wheatley’s speech patterns, I’m sure everyone’s breathing a sigh of relief.

Diesel: Also, who is trying to impress and what is he giving to them to impress them? Unless that’s supposed to be “Gabe.”

Syl: It says right there – :points: He gave ice and a new hip to the muscled fellow.

Ghostie: … What?

“LOL they are graduated an dont heer any more

Cain: They’re blind? I wish I was deaf.

Ghostie: Does the Not A Verb Counter get a ding when a verb is missing?

(I’m doing the electronic equivalent of a sigh right now, because I have to read and transcribe this piece of shit. Why do you make me do it twice to make sure you’re correct? -Monitor)

Not a Verb Counter: 531

Syl: ‘Cause we love you, Gertie.

(The feeling is most definitely not mutual. -Monitor)

there in collage lernin to be fiters for Redman an Bluman now that there TEAM FORTRESS 2.” Ratman said to them.

Not a Verb Counter: 532

Syl: I minored in Collage in school, but what I really wanted to do was Underwater Basket-weaving.

Cain: Collage does seem a bit mundane for you.

“We dont no were they went but a guy dose. Hes a new studan name Gale Thunderpants.”

Syl: Ghostie, do you have any singles handy?

Ghostie: I’m not giving you money!

Syl: But there’s a stripper! Named Thunderpants!

Cain: More importantly, what is Gale doing here in what I’m pretty sure was described as the sixties in TF2?!

Agent [GREY]: Perhaps he’s a time traveler, sir. It would explain absolutely nothing at all. Par for the course.

J an K nodded, then take pens with glowies on them to FLASH so Gabe an Ratman didant rember what happened.

Not a Verb Counter: 534

Syl: It’s a rave!

Cain: Pens with glowies… are those supposed to be the neutralizers?!

Agent [GREY]: Oh bloody hell.

K roundhose kicked a door down so the went in there. Mr. Pursell was teechin the class bout The Histiry but stoped wen he saw J an K.

Not a Verb Counter: 537

Ghostie: History has completely stopped; time to start living in a quantum state.

Cain: Is that supposed to be a roundhouse kick?

Syl: Let me out of this shield and I’ll show you a roundhouse kick.

“OMFG I tole Principal Bisness Man there cannot new studans!11!z” He was relay mad an crazy like a tigar or wale.

Not a Verb Counter: 538

Ghostie: Ah, yes; the tiger and whale. Two animals known for their wacky antics.

“Ots okay sir we just need to speek to Gale Thunderpunts.” J put is the are for peece sine.

Not a Verb Counter: 538

:a small explosion rocks the room:

Ghostie: There goes the Gibberish-to-English translator. Again.

Cain: *Sighs* And we’re out of translators on this deck. Again.

*A Gibberish-to-English translator appears*

Syl: Another robot?

Cain: Designed by Monitor so he only has to read this shit, not parse it.

Ghostie: Lucky bastard.

“Im sorry but he bissy. Im trying to teech the histry so leeve now!” Mr. Purcell had jus been diagnosed with kancer an alheemzrs an lots of gall an kidney stallones so he was relay madangry at sosiety.

Not a Verb Counter: 540

*Another explosion rocks the room*

Cain: I’m not making another one. Agent [REDACTED], come here.

*He appears*

Cain: Agent, please get me a Gibberish-to-English translator.

*Agent [REDACTED] appears, and then reappears moments later with a translator*

Cain: *Looks at it* Yep.

Ghostie: That does not say cancer and Alzheimer’s along with … Sylvester Stallone’s gall bladder and kidneys? The hell?

Diesel: Pretty sure that’s supposed to be kidney stones. *Force chokes Marissa, and slams her into a wall* Better.

Ghostie: :claps hands: Do it again! Do it again!

Cain and Syl: It really creeps me out when you do that.

*Cain looks at Syl*

Cain: Did that just happen?

Syl: :blows kiss at Cain: Was it as good for you as it was for me?

Cain: Stop it.

K sat his head down lick sad then look up.

Not a Verb Counter: 541

Syl: So. Much. Licking. This can’t be healthy.

“Im sorry Mr. Pursell but I have no choose.” K did a awsum pose lick an a amine or sumthin

Ghostie: Nan des’ ka?

Cain: I honestly have no idea. I want to know when K decided to imitate anime poses. It’s a really fucking stupid idea.

Syl: Ghostie’s speaking in tongues again.

Ghostie: It’s Japanese, you uncultured swine.

*Geronimo peeks in, high-fives Ghostie, then leaves*

Cool musik started to play an….. HE MATRIXED MER. PURSELLL!~!!

Not a Verb Counter: 542

Cain: He matrixed?

Ghostie: Kuso!

Diesel: Actually, it fits right in with the anime thing, since the final battle in the trilogy was a Dragonball-Z ripoff.

“He wuill be ok in a few ares.”

Diesel: Since when did war gods become measurements of time? I know the guy, and he’s probably offended.

Syl: There was this one time-space, when I was traveling, where time was measured in Bacchanalias. It wasn’t quite the same, though.

K flashed the studans wile J serched them for Gale.

Cain: What?

Syl: Bring back my Thunderpants!


Not a Verb Counter: 544

Cain: Who told you that? The whole classroom? Did you snap every single male student’s neck simultaneously?

Syl: It’s all in the wrist; you need a nice, smooth motion with plenty of follow-through.

Ghostie: Wait, didn’t someone else have chronic diarrhea?

Diesel: I think so. *Turns towards Cain*

Cain: Katniss had diarrhea a few chapters ago.

Ghostie: This author really has a fondness for shit, doesn’t she?

Syl: She did write, like, three of these things.

Cain: Four, if you count “Hary Potter and the kill of snape.”

Syl: By all means, let us count it.

Onse K was done flashin

Not a Verb Counter: 545

Agent [GREY]: Is the author also a closet pedophile?

Syl: That’s ridiculous; pedophiles don’t go in the closet. You hang them in the sitting room for visitors to pummel with sticks.

they went to nathroom. “Get reddy this cold be a trap.” K nocked on da door but nothin happened so openeded it.

Not a Verb Counter: 548

Syl: Yay, nothing happened. That was so exciting. Can I go home now?


Ghostie: Our bathroom’s like that after Chili Night in the Library cafeteria.

Cain: I had no need to know that, whatsoever. Thankfully, the Prime Colonial cafeterias don’t serve chilli. It’s poisonous towards anyone who’s from the year 3000 or later.

Syl: This stuff’s poisonous, too. I can drink most solvents without blinking an eyelash, but I won’t touch that chili.

It was…. a SOOPER MUTANT FROM FALLOWT!!2 It wasall mussely with lots plimples that were skwirtin pos all over the plase an makin it gross to be in there.

Not a Verb Counter: 550

Ghostie: A mutant in a skirt? Is it the Toxic Avenger?


“OH HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLL NO!” J grumped he tire of fitin these.

Not a Verb Counter: 552

Agent [GREY]: He fights these often? The lad might be a good pick for cleansing Earth-101. IF we cleanse him of this fic first, of course.

Ghostie: Holy crapcakes, it is the Toxic Avenger!

Syl: If she starts fangirling, could someone smack her for me?

Diesel: I don’t do smacking. It’s beneath me. *Force pushes Ghostie towards a wall*

The Sooper Mutant angered at J an pickd up a toylet to throw at him. But K shot toylet out of his arms with a gun. Mumtant was soooo mad that he shot pos at Ks an the puss got all in his is to blind him but glasses hit first so he ok.

Not a Verb Counter: 554

Ghostie: How did K shoot the toilet out of the mutant’s arms without hitting the mutant? Given how you’d have to hold the toilet to pick it up, that’s an easy center-of-mass shot.

Diesel: Perhaps Goddess gave him a blessing. Oh, by the way, she sent me a message today saying she ascended to the position of a deity.

Agent [GREY]: Always was ambitious, that one.

Cain: Why me? Also, mumtant?

Syl: Could be there’s a dadtant nearby, too.

Agent [GREY]: I feel bad for the poor child who has that for a mother.

J jamped into the are an threw shorrikens inot the mutans face to rupture hes brane an guts.

Ghostie: Brains and guts aren’t located in the same area. Not even remotely close.

Diesel: Maybe they were space-bending PCC issue shuriken?

Ghostie: I’ll have to ask Shinobi-san if the clan are missing any.

K got behind an reeched up the soopers spesal place


Diesel: *Nopes the fuck out*

Cain: And we lost one. Syl, why don’t you go with her?

Syl: :tap-tap: Energy shield.

Cain: I sincerely doubt you don’t have a way to escape from that with ease.

Syl: But then I’d miss your sparkling conversation, kitten.

Cain: *Sighs*

an pulled its intetines out then strungled him with them. Thems the monster died from no are breathin. “Good fitin K!” J hi fived to K.

Not a Verb Counter: 556

Ghostie: It died from not breathing, as many are known to do.

Now tat the beest was died a guy came from the toylet. “Thanks for killin him Im Gale Thunderpants.” He said wavin.

Not a Verb Counter: 558

Syl: :waves back: Anyone have any singles? Anything? I’ll take a roll of quarters!

Cain: Syl, you aren’t hiring a stripper. Especially not on my favorite ship.

Syl: But Thunderpants!

Ghostie: I wish I had my rolled-up newspaper with me.

Syl: :tap-tap: Energy shield.

He looked round to maek shore none was listenin. “Spect my reel name is Ron Weesley

Not a Verb Counter: 560

Ghostie: What?

Im from British

Agent [GREY] and Ghostie: WHAT?

serchin for my frend Harry.

Not a Verb Counter: 561

Cain, Agent [GREY], and Ghostie: WHAT!?!

Hes got amneesha an got plastik surgery so he looks diffrant an is named WHeatly haf u seen him?”

Cain: He got amnesia. Then he decided, for no apparent reason, to get plastic surgery.

Syl: And change his name. Just for funsies.

“No Sorray we are only lookin for Teanm Fortress 2 an a mussely guy sad u new were they was at collage.” K went. Gale thot for a min (he was gettin kinna un comfterable at there sexay bodis becos he had to stay troo to his REEL LIFE LOVE Hermoany).

Not a Verb Counter: 566

Ghostie: Is Gale bisexual? That’s the only way he’d be attracted to two men in scanty clothing while still having a female love interest.

Syl: It doesn’t say anywhere that Hermoany is a girl.

Ghostie: :facepalms:

Cain: Syl, don’t even think about it.

Syl: Can’t hear you over this slashfic I’m writing. :scribbles on inside of energy shield:

*The shield flares and returns to normal*

Cain: If you write anything, do it with your own notebook.

Syl: :makes rude gesture:

Diesel: I remember Goddess being fond of that one.

Syl: It’s one she taught me after a riff. I have a whole new repertoire thanks to Bright Eyes.


Ghostie: Huh?

Cain: It’s a subtly made reference to another game series by Valve, the people who made portal.

Gale say at laste. “Thanks dood!” J. So they leaved but had to stole a car sins the time mashine didant bring one with them. “HEY MY KAR!!2” It was….. Ringmaister! He an the flamer trollz had gotted a ressurekshun becos there kill had been for dark majik so wen Wulf defractled the boom happened to magic streems and they made the alive agane. “ILL GET U FOR THIS AGJUNTS J AN K!1@!@!!!!!!33” But they was already drivin off.

Not a Verb Counter: 570

Cain: He’s back! …And he’s gone.

Ghostie: I’m sure he’ll be missed. Not by us, but by someone.

:distant series of explosions:

Ghostie: There go the other translators. And I think part of your ship just floated past the window.

Cain: *Sighs* *Retcons the ship back together* I can’t wait for this riff to be over.

Ghostie: I can’t wait for the fic to be over.

Syl: I have to pee.

“K were is Halflife Collage School?” J aksed wile reedin a funny book. “I donut no we will half (lol) to drive fast to fin out.” They flowed the street sines with care an smartly wile stoppin for school busses so they woodant crash or end up lick Katty Smithereens.

Not a Verb Counter: 574

Syl: What is the LOL for?

Cain: I’m pretty sure that’s supposed to be a Half Life reference.

Syl: Uh-huh. And it’s supposed to be funny?

Cain: Presumably.

The Half Life came up fast an low with a hair girl wavin for help. Sheee was playin a game slav.

Not a Verb Counter: 576

Syl: Damned Slavs, always invading the steppes.

“Help my boifrend Demopan is danger!” Demonan?

Ghostie: But bread!

Syl: What?

Ghostie: But what! :giggles madly:

Syl: …

Geronimo: *Peeks her head in* Demopan can be translated as “but bread” in Japanese, and Demonan is “but what?”. I think. I never paid much attention when my grandmother made me learn “our cultural language.”

Ghostie: :high-fives Geronimo:

Cain: Are you just standing outside the doorway, waiting to peek your head in?

Geronimo: I will not confirm or deny anything.

He was a TREEN FORTRESS 2 this a big cloo so J an K pulled ovary. “A badman name Alexander taked offer the collage an is killin ebery 1.

Not a Verb Counter: 578

Cain: I’m glad to see that you’re helping deal with the “everyone is being murdered” problem. By playing video games.

Ghostie: As a Slav pulling ovaries. Is there even a game for that?

Teen Fortress 2 is fitin fast an hard but Alecander used a orbs to make monsters cume an help him.” J an K braved an ran into collage to kill Aleander.

Not a Verb Counter: 581

Syl: Ooh, I love it when you do it fast and hard! And the monsters are …:fans self: I’m blushing.

Cain: I wish she was not on my ship.

Ghostie: Don’t look at me, I don’t want her.

Cain: I’ll see if Agent [INEXPLICABLE] wants to entertain her. *Calls him*

Syl: Tell Fluffy to bring the whipped cream and cherry Fruit Roll-ups. I’m feeling peckish.

Cain: I got an answering machine. How did he get an answering machine for his microscopic communication implant?!

Ghostie: More importantly, where did he put it?

Cain: The rose petals are sort of like a brain. Except they’re indestructible and provide telekinesis.

Syl: They tickle something fierce.

Insid the collage the walls was all covered in meet an the way wass blocked. “NO! MEET IS OPPOSED TO BE INSIDE NOT WALLS!~!!!!@!2”

Not a Verb Counter: 582

Ghostie: They’re surrounded by walls of meat? I’m having unsettling Coochipede flashbacks.

K was RELAY MAD becos he was biolojy mager.

Cain: Doubtful.

Agent [GREY]: Perhaps that’s supposed to be “Magus.” Biolojy is a school of magic. Not my specialty, but I know a few tricks.

“Well haf to eet to get throo.” J said as a smartly so they ated all the meet but it wasant cooked so they got intetinal parasites like tapworms.

Not a Verb Counter: 584

Ghostie: You only get parasites from infested meat, not necessarily every random piece of uncooked meat you eat. There’s a host of nasty microbes and bacteria, though, so I hope they enjoy their botulism.

It good think they didant have amneesha becos on othar side it wass a dark desent

Cain: …I can’t fucking believe that this joke was just made.

Ghostie: There’s more amnesia in this chapter than most soap operas have in a year. And isn’t Amnesia a video game, too?

Cain: Yep. Amnesia: The Dark Descent. Get it now?

Ghostie: …Ahh. Sorry. Ghostie no game good.


Agent [GREY]: Should have kept on waiting, lass.

Syl: Maybe hold your breath while you were at it.

K got owt flaslite to lite up the room an saw the bad.

Cain: You mean he saw the fic?

Ghostie: Where did he get an owl flashlight? Do owls even need flashlights? We should ask Lyle.

A ton of grunts an broots an the water thing u cant see was there. “I am gottin to old for this!” Joked K with funny. J didant have time for silly becos he was itchin for a kill. “ITS AKSHUN TIME!!1” He did doble summer salt

Cain: As opposed to Winter Pepper?

Ghostie: I’d like a Spring Cinnamon; make it a double, too.

Agent [GREY]: Autumn Nutmeg is obviously the best.

Syl: You should try Fall Allspice.

*Alarms blare*

Cain: Why, Syl?

*A Plasma Pistol appears in his hand*

Screen: *Fades to lack of light*

Syl: Yay!

front flip to land in teh monsters an started shottin there faces of with his magum pistols (accept the broots, becos they didant haf faces). K taked out a cannon an fired to kill lots at onse.

Not a Verb Counter: 588

Syl: Why does it matter if they don’t have faces? YOU CAN STILL SHOOT THEM IN THE FACE AREA! Cain, let me borrow your gun.

Cain: *Lowers the shield, shoots Syl in the face area, then raises the shield again* Sorry, I forgot basic gun safety.

Syl: :spits out tooth: You can just say “no”, you know.

They had kill lots gbut more were comin from other places an the wall meet was gettin in there bisness but… a huge fat crushed throo the wall lick the Koolaid Man but wasnt Koolaid Man it was…. HEABY!!! “OH YEAH!!1” Heavy funnied an J an K lolled. Witth his gun Sasa they moed down all the grunts an broots an water thins all qwick an done. “Weres the rest of Teen Fortress 2?” K deadpanned.

Not a Verb Counter: 574

Cain: “Oh yeah” is funny now?! The fuck?!

Ghostie: Great, now I have to add Kool-Aid to the list of things fics have ruined for me.

“There are bein prisnor by Alezander we must safe them!” Heavy russianed an ran to the final boss room. A guy name Daniel was hidin in a shadow to kill Alexener 2 but he toooo scared so J shot him in hed.

Not a Verb Counter: 578

Agent [GREY]: He just shot a potential ally in the damn head.

Syl: His technique is terrible. Cain must have taken lessons from him.

Cain: I’m crying on the inside, Syl.

Ghostie: Please don’t encourage her.

Cain: Well, the reason I’m crying on the inside is because she still exists. Besides, I’m pretty sure everything encourages her.

Syl: Awww, you’re weeping tears of joy for me! That’s so sweet of you.

Cain: What the hell, I’m on vacation tomorrow anyway. *Syl disappears into space* Of course, she’ll probably be back again momentarily. She’s remarkably resilient. I wonder what a black hole would do to her?

:there’s a tapping sound on the window and everyone turns to see Syl mooning them:

Cain: There aren’t any windows on my ship.

Agent [GREY]: That’s what you’re worried about, sir?

Cain: Unfortunately, it’s a legitimate security risk.

Ghostie: They were there earlier, when the translators blew off part of your ship. How did she install them retroactively?

Cain: I have no idea. Thankfully, we have less than a page left, so I can feel justified in wearing myself out a bit more.

*The windows are replaced by armor plating*

Syl: :appearing beside Ghostie: You’re such a stick in the mud, kitten.

Cain: *Yawns* Agent [REDACTED]!

Agent [REDACTED]: *Appears next to Syl, grabs her, then disappears*

Cain: Now there will be an afterimage of her making a rude gesture from the event horizon of a black hole. Still worth it.

Ghostie: But she’ll get out of it somehow. It’s going to be a long ride home.

Cain: Agent [GREY] restocked your alcohol cabinet and put in some more holographic projections of Ishi that activate when she tries to open it.

J K an Heavy fot losta bosses an killed Grunts Broots an wter things an finlay got to Principal Gordon Freemans offace but he wasant there becos Alexender taked over and made him leeve. Heavy slummed the door down with Sasa an they ranned to see…. ANLEXANDER WAS BLU AN NAKED!1!!!

Not a Verb Counter: 584

Cain: Huh. Wasn’t expecting that one.

Ghostie: Now I’m getting flashbacks from those Smurf zombie outbreak fics I did awhile back.

“HELPP!12!!” Cry the otter Teen Fortress 2 all tyed up ready for a sakrifase an a Grunt was rapin Spy as poetic justace for the time he tried to adultary wif Carolime.

Not a Verb Counter: 586

Cain: *Clenches fists* That. Is. Not. Justice.

Syl: This. Is. SPARTA! :kicks random Agent into a hole that suddenly appears in the floor:

*With the last word, Marissa appears and is repeatedly shot by a firing line*

*The hole disappears and Cain sighs*

Ghostie: The liquor cabinet’s already stocked, right?

Agent [GREY]: Of course.

Ghostie: Bless you.

“KILL MEEE!!@!!” He frenched but noone cared.

Cain: If you’ll excuse me, I need to go lead the effort to cleanse Earth-101. *Disappears*

Heavy ranned to untie tEEN Fortress 2 by shottin there ropes with Sasa wile J an K fited with Alexanderp. “ENUFF I WILL KILL U NOW!11~!!!!” But J noiced Alexandas naked so he put the magum pistol in his man balls an pulled trigger…

Not a Verb Counter: 590

Syl: Ouch. Right in the man balls.

Agent [GREY]: Alexanderp. That’s actually mildly entertaining.


*Another explosion rocks the room*

*Another translator immediately appears*

Screemed Alecksander as his balls was got shot but the bullet went up to keep goin an killed his heart. Then he died.,

Not a Verb Counter: 592

Syl: That is exactly the sound a man would make if you shot off his man balls. Maybe a bit more whimpering at the end.

Ghostie: I don’t want to know how you know that. But how does getting shot in the testicles equate with a shot to the heart? Those things aren’t next to each other.

Syl: Darling, most men wear their hearts in their trousers.

Agent [GREY]:


“Thanks guys we cudant have one it without u.” The Scot said to J an K. “DEMMY!!” Gaz screemed lower than even Alexander an runned to Demoman an started makin out with him.

Not a Verb Counter: 596

Syl: Damn it all. And me without my popcorn.

K stood up to full mast an brave speeched them. “Listans ever one. Marrissa Roberts is in dangerous from the most evel flamerzz ever. We need sum strong dudes to safe her are you in?” An effery 1 said YAAAAAAY relay lowd. “THEN LETS GO SAFE MARRISSA!!1!” Scowt said an all Teen Fortress 2 got weapons an bonk kola an medikals an went wif K an J ot the time mashine to the future.

Not a Verb Counter: 599

Syl: I’d like a tall glass of Bonk Kola, please. With Medikals. Travelling through the infinite void of space makes a girl parched.



Agent [GREY]: If only because you succeeded in saying something mildly entertaining with “Alexanderp.”

Ghostie: When was that? I think I blinked.

Agent [GREY]: In the flurry of different spellings of Alexander.

Ghostie: Must have missed it, they all blended together after awhile. I think it’s a combination of the Gargleblasters and the mild head trauma from headdesking.

Agent [GREY]: Do you not have any padded headdesking desks? We have a surplus from raiding Pantheon facilities. We’ll be giving them away for free.

Ghostie: I did have one, but someone :glares at Syl: vaporized my desk and I haven’t had time to get another one from storage.

Syl: Disintegrate, not vaporize.

Agent [GREY]: There’s another one in your quarters now, Ghostie.

Ghostie: Lovely! I’d forgotten what it was like to have competent minions around.

Agent [GREY]: You had them before?

Ghostie: Shinobi-san’s very reliable, when they aren’t off on a mission.


Not a Verb Counter: 600

Agent [GREY]: I’ll be back next time, hopefully with Admiral Dwight. Of course, he may opt out because Syl will be here. Perfectly understandable decision.

Syl: :makes rude gesture:

Agent [GREY]: And on that note, goodbye.

6 Comments on “1369: The Marrissa Games – Chapter Six”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    K cried lick baby.

    Please don’t lick babies.

    It’s not like they even taste very good.

  2. AdmiralSakai says:


    Except for the part where Half-Life came out well before Portal…

  3. batjamags says:


    I can’t believe you’re riffing this. It’s obvious from that quote alone that we’re dealing with a literary masterpiece.

    Only a true artist would conceive of that noise as a man’s reaction to being shot in the balls. Kaaaaaboombobmo wamajam jam, indeed.

    Truly, this story is a masterpiece worthy of Shakespeare, like a lost sonnet.

    Now if you’ll excuse me, I must ponder this tale’s magnificence from the Brain Bleach Jacuzzi.

    • batjamags says:

      K got behind an reeched up the soopers spesal place

      *A bloated corpse rises to the Jacuzzi’s surface*


      That’s what I get for trying to drown myself in there.

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