1364: Everybody Likes Chocolate – Chapter Twenty-Two and Twenty-Three

Title: Everybody Likes Chocolate
Author: nutin-but-JD
Media:  Book / Movie
Topic: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Genre: Romance
URL:
Chapter Twenty-Two, Chapter Twenty-Three
Critiqued by Lyle

Hello, everyone!  Sorry about quitting in the middle of the last riff.  I owe Lina a big one for taking care of the end of it for me.  I’m back and ready to take down the rest of this fic.  Today’s it, everyone.  Today we tackle the final two chapters.

*presses a button on her desk and fanfare erupts from the loudspeakers*

Quick recap before we begin:  They had a weird conversation about eye color.  Wonka threw a fit and fired Kitty from being his adopted pet.  The Oompa Loompas threatened to strike.  Kitty then rage-quit, even though she had already been fired, received a cumbersome plaque from the Oompa Loompas for having existed in their presence for three days, and finally threw a bloody bandage at Wonka before leaving for the streets.

This is why fic authors should write recaps of their chapters; it would give them a good idea of how stupid everything sounds when you lump it together into a glorious whole.

Let’s do this shit.

Chapter 22: Take Me Home!

To the cardboard box you live in, or back to Wonka’s?  I’m guessing the box since Wonka kicked you out.

I began to walk down the path when I heard the door behind me. My tears were unstoppable now. I suddenly dropped down to my knees and looked up to the sky. “Mom, if you can hear me, I really need you right now. Please, I beg you. I need comfort right now, and you are the only one who can give it to me. Life is really hard for me right now, and I need guidance. Take me home! I want to come home! Let me come home…” I dropped to the ground in sorrow.

Kitty drops to the ground twice and then begs her dead mother to come back to life to comfort her.  Right.  Wangst, anyone?

My arm began to hurt in excruciating pain and I screamed. It felt really hot, and it burned me. It was bleeding, more than it should. “Thank you.”

…Wait, what just happened here?  Is this author trying to tell us that Kitty’s mom somehow gave her daughter extreme pain and reopened her knife wound in answer to her begging for her mom’s help?

“Bridget? Um, I…”

“Shut up and leave me alone! I don’t need you! I don’t need anyone! I just want to go home, and that’s where I’m going. Just give me some time, my arm will clot and my heart won’t be able to take it. Let me go, I will be happy that way.”

Who is talking to her?  Is it Wonka?  Is that who came out of the door earlier?

Also, that’s not how dying from bleeding out works, sweetheart.  If your arm clots, it’ll stop the bleeding, preventing you from dying from blood loss.  If you’re dying from blood loss, you’ve got some kind of blood disorder, which would have been discovered at the fucking hospital and mentioned at that time.

“Please, don’t say that.”

Koori:  Maybe it’s her mom’s spirit talking to her.

Jesusmonkeylovinghamburgers!  One of these days you’re going to give me a heart attack popping in unannounced like this.

Koori:  *hands Lyle a hot mug of tea*  She told me what happened last time when I was stopping by to get a cookie.  I thought it would be best for you to have some help to finish this.

Lina does have a name, you know.

Koori:  I’m aware.  *offers Lyle a cookie*  I brought you one, too.

*nibbles the cookie*  Gumdrop is getting creative again, I see.  Is that lemon?

Koori:  I’m not sure what the chewy bits are but I figured it was best not to ask.  She had them labeled “Super Surprise Delights.”

*shrugs and takes a larger bite*  Yeah, sometimes it’s just best not to ask.

“What do you care? Oh I’m sorry, do I have too much of an attitude for you? Too bad! This is the last place I want to be, and you’re the last one I want to see.”

I think we can safely say that it’s Wonka coming out to check on the sobbing pile of cat on his front walk.

“I’m not going to watch you die.”

“Then go inside.”

*snort*

That’s actually a pretty good comeback.

Koori:  Best line in the entire fic.

He knelt next to me. I could see tears in his eyes. “I beg you, forgive me. I’m so sorry I did this to you.”

I beg to differ.  You didn’t do this to her, Mustache Twirler McEvil did this to her when he randomly found her hiding in your factory.  She took that stab of her own volition, too.  You were never in any real danger of getting stabbed since his attention was fixed on her when he pulled the knife.

“Saying it doesn’t matter, it’s feeling it that counts.” I got up and ran away.

Koori:  I thought she was laying on the ground bleeding out.

She must have clotted after all.

I went back to the place that I used to live. I sat down, and held my arm. The cold did this to it, since it wasn’t bandaged. I had a spare one, and I wrapped my arm in it.

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The cold had nothing to do with your arm bleeding, you twatmuffin!  Are you seriously this dumb?

Koori:  I think we already discovered that the author has no concept of how the body actually reacts to trauma.  Would you like the chalkboard?

*takes another bite of cookie*  No, it’s okay.  I don’t have enough to list here for this.  I just want to point out that the cold would make her blood run slower, if anything, not cause it to bleed.  And not having a bandage wouldn’t make her arm bleed, either.  Bandages don’t stop bleeding, they soak up the blood to keep it from getting messy, prevent contamination by acting as a shield from the outside world, and, if wrapped tightly enough, can help staunch the bleeding by applying pressure.  Removing a bandage that has been on your arm for more than 24 hours will not cause your arm to bleed again.  If you’re still bleeding after this much time, you have a serious medical condition and need to see a doctor.  Pronto.

Koori:  I find it interesting that she has a spare bandage and didn’t think to change out her “blood-soaked” one earlier.

She’s not the sharpest kunai in the hip pouch.

Koori:  You can say that again.

I heard my mother’s voice. “Honey, go back. He doesn’t mean any harm to you, he wants to help. He cares about you; he just has a different way of showing it. You can do it, you can go back.”

*slow  blink*  I don’t know what I should be more upset about in this instance:  The fact that her mother’s spirit is telling her to go back to a man who is obviously manipulative and mentally abusive, or the fact that the author obviously doesn’t see that the character she’s written is an unhealthy person to be around.

Koori:  May I suggest eating another cookie and moving on?

*holds up a whole tray filled with Super Surprise Delights*

Don’t mind if I do!  *grabs one*  Wait, isn’t that one of Lina’s display case trays?  I didn’t think she’d let that leave the cafe.

Koori:  What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.

…Koori, did you steal these cookies?

Koori:  *shoves a whole cookie into her mouth*  Mfffmummmflfle mum mummf.

Suspicious-penguins-of-madagascar-18779021-638-449

“But I don’t want to, he hates me!”

“No, he really doesn’t. He’s crying right now, believe me. He has never cried before.” The voice faded. I got up and began walking back.

*throws cookie crumbs at the screen*  Don’t go back to him, you twat!  You’re setting yourself up for a life of being trained to his every whim!

I opened the door to see him sitting on the couch, actually crying. “I can’t believe she’s gone…” he wanted me to come back.

“Mr. Wonka, my mother told me to come back so I did.”

He got up and ran over to me. Once he had almost got himself together, he took me in his arms and said, “I’m so sorry, you don’t even know.”

“Don’t cry, sir. It’s going to be fine, I’m coming back. Just act like I never left. I can’t stay away from this place; it’s been too good to me.”

*throws a full cookie at the screen.  Koori catches it as it bounces back*

Chapter 23: Signing The Contract

Oh, thank God.  This is the final chapter, everyone!

“Welcome back, Miss Wonka.”

I went back into my room and put my outfit back on that I had taken off earlier.

Dude, you’ve been given a ton of identical outfits.  Don’t put on the one you’ve already worn.  You’re allowed to wear fresh clothing.

Koori:  She had better hope the smell of chocolate will cover up her stank.

He came in, and said, “Wow, I can’t believe that I made this leave. You are a perfect Miss Wonka, I should have seen that.”

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“Thank you, I’m flattered.”

“Come along, I have something to show you.”

Koori:  It’s the closet where I’ve hidden all the bodies of the previous girls I’ve abducted.

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He took me through a series of halls that I hadn’t seen before. We went into a room that seemed like a conference room.

But in reality it was a German dungeon.

“Now, I need to discuss some things with you.” He pulled out a document.

“What is that?”

“It’s a special document that entitles you to half of everything in this factory. Now, read this paragraph, and respond to it.”

Lina:  I always hated those types of tests in high school.

Jesuseatingpickles!  You two really need to make some fucking noise!

I read it, but I didn’t understand all of the business terms it had in it. “I’m sorry sir, I don’t understand it.”

Of course she doesn’t.  Wonka just handed legalese to a 13-year-old.

“Neither do I!” I threw it across the room, and pulled out a pale purple paper with one paragraph on it. “Here, read this.”

If the first movie is anything to go by, Wonka was pretty good at legalese.  He did draw up that giant contract for the contest, after all.  He understood everything in it.  At least, that’s the impression I got.

Lina:  *glances ahead*  Ah.  I see why the author did that up there, though.  She’s proving, yet again, that she knows sod-all about real life and wanted to write up a contract.  So she’s setting it up for a dumbing down she can actually understand.

Koori:  *shakes head disapprovingly*  Pathetic.

It read,

‘This document entitles you to half of everything in the factory. Consider yourself lucky, Willy Wonka is usually not so generous. If you want half of everything that he has, then read on. If you don’t, rip this in half and discard it. This means that you will own half of the oompa loompas. No, just kidding. It means that you can boss them around too, just like Willy Wonka does. If you accept this offer, sign here. ‘

Yes, let’s throw in a “joke” about slavery.  Why not?  This story has already shit all over the fandom.

Koori:  *shoves more cookies at Lyle*

Lina:  …Hey, is that my tray?

“Do you have a pen?”

He smiled at me, and pulled a pen out of his hat. “Here you go, sign your real name.”

Koori: Instead of the alias of Ringo McFluffikins that she’s been going by?

Lina:  *grabs the tray and looks it over*  That is my tray!  You bi-

“Thank you, sir.” I signed the paper.

From that day forward, I ran half of everything, and made friends with all of the oompa loompas. Mr. Wonka and I became very close friends, and he never looked at me with that weird look again. The only thing he really did that displayed his care for me was that every Monday morning, I woke up to a box of chocolates and a red rose in a blown glass vase. My plaque was hung up in the hallway outside my bedroom, with Mr. Wonka’s signature now deeply engraved in the metal plate.

And suddenly: Wish fulfillment.

Koori:  And from behind?

God, I hope not.

Lina:  You’re paying for all those cookies.

Koori:  You can take it from my salary.

Lina:  You’re an unpaid intern!  You’re working this off.  I expect you in booty shorts, platform boots, and glitter paint at my stand, 6am sharp tomorrow morning.

Koori:  Fat chance.  Miss Lyle will tell you I don’t have to do it.  Right?

*munches on a cookie thoughtfully*

Koori:  Miss Lyle?

My arm made a full recovery, after some painful weeks of physical therapy. During that time, I was treated with special care, by Mr. Wonka.

You were stabbed!  It was a motherfucking flesh wound!  You don’t get physical therapy for a motherfucking flesh wound!  *throws half her cookie at the monitor.  Koori catches it on the rebound again*

Koori: *highly concerned*  Right, Miss Lyle?

I was taught how to make chocolate and other candies by Chocol, who became a really good friend of mine. Every once in a while, he would make me a surprise treat he had just thought up. Basically, I was his guinea pig.

I thought you were a cat.  Make up your mind.

And everyone lived happily ever after. (Sorry, stupid ending let me try again.)

NO!  NO NO NO NO NO!  *throws her empty mug at the monitor.  Koori catches it before it makes contact*

Koori:  Uhm, Miss Lyle… I know you’re busy raging but about the coffee stand thing?

And I became the most known girl in the entire city, even the state.

That was worse than your first attempt, you cottonheaded ninnymuggins!

*Koori and Lina gasp*

Koori:  At least we’re done and you can finally tell Haggy here that I’m not going to work for her.

Huh?  Oh, that.  How much in cookies did she take, Lina?

Lina:  About twenty-five dollars worth.

You let me eat TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS WORTH OF COOKIES?!  My God, girl!  Are you trying to make me fat?

Koori:  But you were so upset last time with the fic.  I was only trying to help-

I’ll be at the coffee stand at 6am.  I’ve got to see this.

Koori:  What?!  You’re making me do it?

Damn skippy.

Lina:  *with a fangy grin*  Remember:  the glitter paint needs to be pink.

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20 Comments on “1364: Everybody Likes Chocolate – Chapter Twenty-Two and Twenty-Three”

  1. GhostCat says:

    “Mr. Wonka, my mother told me to come back so I did.”

    Wonka – Your dead mother? :stealthily reaches for phone to dial 911: Does she often speak to you and tell you to do things?

  2. GhostCat says:

    Of course she doesn’t. Wonka just handed legalese to a 13-year-old.

    Who is possibly a cat.

  3. GhostCat says:

    “Neither do I!” I threw it across the room, and pulled out a pale purple paper with one paragraph on it. “Here, read this.”

    Who threw the paper across the room and pulled out another one?

  4. batjamags says:

    So… In this story, an elderly cat entered an emotionally abusive relationship with Willy Wonka, was kicked out because her eyes were BLUE, but was told by the ghost of her dead mother that Wonka actually loved her, and then went back to Wonka. At this point Wonka wrote a contract without understanding because reasons, before providing her (or rather, Kitty provided herself) with a purple (rather beige, to be honest) contract that made a joke about slavery, and Kitty was perfectly happy to sign it and didn’t mind that Wonka was a creepy asshole because GREEK.

    Y’know, when I put it that way, it almost sounds incredibly stupid.

  5. AdmiralSakai says:

    My arm began to hurt in excruciating pain

    *ALARM BLARES*

    THEY’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!!

    *respawns*

    welp

  6. AdmiralSakai says:

    This is the last place I want to be, and you’re the last one I want to see.”

    Pleasedon’tbecomeamusicalnumberPleasedon’tbecomeamusicalnumber…

  7. AdmiralSakai says:

    I went back to the place that I used to live. I sat down, and held my arm. The cold did this to it, since it wasn’t bandaged. I had a spare one, and I wrapped my arm in it.

    She wrapped her arm in a spare arm?

    Pronouns, people.

    • batjamags says:

      So… Kitty is actually a serial killer who hides severed body parts in her box.

      That changes ev-

      Actually, no. It doesn’t change anything. This story is still dumb.

  8. TacoMagic says:

    And everyone lived happily ever after. (Sorry, stupid ending let me try again.

    Really, author? Of all the things to rip-off in this wreck, you pick Wayne’s World?

  9. CrunchyRaptor says:

    Lina: *with a fangy grin* Remember: the glitter paint needs to be pink.

    *Beckons to Koori*

    Come, I shall show you the secret ways of the Sith. These are beyond darkness and emotion. Beyond power and control. In the deepest recesses of the Force, away from any semblance of light lie these secret paths which are the most guarded by the True Ones. These are the paths of wardrobe, color, and accessories. The very secrets that once made the Sith the most fabulously dressed in the galaxy. Nay! The universe! And now all yours for the taking should you but take the first step into the salon!

    ELIZA! Get the cannon team geared up with your finest body glitter!

  10. Addicted Reader says:

    Yay, it’s over!

    Now I want chocolate …

  11. meeshybee says:

    Is anyone going to attempt the sequel? Or the sequel’s sequel?


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