1363: Poison – Chapter Four

Title: Poison
Author: 221B-Tardis
Media: Books
Topic: Snow White / Fairy Tale
Genre: Fantasy / Adventure
URL:  Chapter Four
Critiqued by Addicted Reader

Hello again, dear readers.  Welcome back to “Poison,” a short Snow White fanfic full of Witchy Sues and nearly devoid of commas.

In the first chapter, Arianna White, Witchy Sue, Sr. and Queen of the Formless Void, killed her lover, the father of her baby, to protect herself.  In the next chapter, 17-year-old Snow White, Witchy Sue, Jr.-wannabe, failed to do magic, was told by a crow that she is a witch, and reminisced about watching her mother Arianna die in childbirth.  And she whined about hating her stepmother Aurora White.  In the third chapter, it was revealed that Aurora is really Arianna who resents having to disguise herself as Aurora.

In the fic’s only redeeming moment so far, Queen Aurora did the Classic Snow White Evil Queen Stepmother Routine with the mirror, was told that Snow White is the fairest, and was happy for her daughter.  She then had some incomprehensible vision in the mirror of Snow White being grabbed by an angry mob and got very upset.

Onward!

Chapter 4
Ryan Hutchinson, one of Aurora’s main guards found himself within Aurora’s chambers called in by the queen herself. Ryan seldom entered the queen’s actual quarters, only ever guarding doors, staircases and halls under king’s orders to make sure no one comes in and she doesn’t come out. At first hearing this order he felt a bit pompous that she called upon him but after a while the joy left and the fear entered. Although the last queen was almost famous for her affairs this queen had better guarding no one but guards and the king were ever near her so maybe that was her last option, a guard.

There are oxygen masks under your seats in case you’re out of breath from the length of those nearly comma-less sentences.

So he’s assuming he’s being called in as a lover?  That’s the best I can do to make sense of this.

“On what reason am I called, your highness?” Ryan bowed gingerly as she stood tall in a stance full of purpose.

She stood in a stance?  Shit, I hope that doesn’t set off the DRD alarms.

::waits as silently as possible::

Seems we’re safe.  That was pretty close, though.

“I need you to do something for me.” She said in a silky voice. “A favour.” she seemed cautious to ask.

An omniscient narrator shouldn’t use “seemed.”  “Seemed to him” would be appropriate, because then his perception is being described.  But objectively, either she was cautious or she wasn’t – the narrator should know.

“Anything, my mistress.” Ryan said letting excitement appear in his voice. He quickly cursed himself and looked serious once again.

What a kiss-ass.  And it’s even creepier if he’s assuming he’s about to get laid.

“I need you to take Snow white far away, deep into the woods.” She said in full clarity not distracting herself on the guards obvious fallen face.

“in full clarity”?  Is this some kind of British-ism I don’t know?  The writer here uses a lot of odd phrasing, but this is the weirdest so far.

“But-but why?” he answered momentarily forgetting who he was talking to. “The king-“

“The king put me here as your only option for taking a lover, so let’s go ahead and get it on!”

“The king will find your body and will be served your heart if you do not do as I say.” She interrupted booming not afraid of her words. Ryan knew about her cruelness and dislike towards Snow white but he didn’t know how much until now.

That seems like a weird combination of threats.  And does this king regularly eat the hearts of those who disobey?  That’s a whole new level of creepy.

Unable to think of anything else coherent he nodded his head. “Yes mistress.” He sighed in defeat he was not going to win this argument. He couldn’t tell the king as Aurora had him wrapped around her little finger. And he couldn’t tell any of the other guards they would just end up telling the king; in fact he wasn’t fully sure they wouldn’t be mentioning this little meeting to him.

Where does this “wrapped around her little finger” come from?  There’s been very little establishment of this.  Being willing to be a little naughty is not the same as being willing to risk his job.  And there’s been no mention so far of where the other guards are and of them knowing of this meeting.  This author is very bad at establishing either spatial or personal relationships.

“And it will do you well if it is done before nightfall.” Aurora pushed in a harsh tone but something else was there- worry?

And that makes no sense.  I’m not even going to bother.

“Of course.” Ryan said dipping his head and exiting. He slumped behind the door letting his conscience and his self-preservation have an argument amongst each other while his mind collapsed into an unthinking state.

Aren’t his conscience and his (sense of) self-preservation part of his mind?  He’s clearly thinking of something while trying to decide what to do.

But I can understand shutting down the mind as a form of self-preservation.  My mind keeps trying to shut down when I read this fic.

In the end he knew what his options were take snow white into the woods or be killed. And Ryan not essentially being a selfish creature for once had to let his love for life win this battle.

There’s no mention of killing Snow White and there’s no reason to assume he’s particularly fond of SW, so why is taking her for an unfriendly stroll going to be so hard for him?  He can help her mark a trail back without anyone finding out if he’s really so soft-hearted as to want to follow orders without really abandoning her.  But considering that she’s been known to spend time in the woods, is this even really such a dangerous thing for her?

Oh, the lack of sense.  It’s getting to me.  Good thing we’re done with this chapter!

See you next time, loyal fans.

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6 Comments on “1363: Poison – Chapter Four”

  1. batjamags says:

    Y’know, when I read the name Aurora, I think of this:

    http://vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/disney/images/c/c0/PrincessAuroraSleeps.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20120411014354

    And when I read the name Arianna White, I think of this:

    http://das-sporking.livejournal.com/561.html

    (Couldn’t find the original fic, so one of the lesser riffing communities will have to do, the plebians)

    • Addicted Reader says:

      Right with you on the name “Aurora.”

      • batjamags says:

        Oh, hell, I just realized that the topic on ff.net is only listed as “Fairy Tales.” Now I’m worried that this author is trying to do a crossover.

    • SC says:

      so one of the lesser riffing communities will have to do, the plebians

      We of the Library are sophisticated folk who only accept the highest quality of riffs, none of this, this, “LiveJournal” tomfoolery.

  2. "Lyle" says:

    Poor Ryan, thinking so little of himself that he’d be a last resort for a queen to boink. Keep your chin up, Ryan. You’ll get yours in the end.


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