1362: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors – Chapter Eleven, Part FivePosted: March 19, 2016
Title: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors
Topic: Princess Mononoke
URL: Chapter 11
Critiqued by SC, Simon Bellamay III, Kyler Tristan and Féodris Alexandris
Hello, and welcome back to Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors, by Stone-Man85! I’m your host, SC, and last time, Alex decked a guy for using rational thought in an attack on Irontown because the attacker was San and Alex simply cannot contain his boner, and then he tried to do some roof-hopping to catch up with her. Pretty hard to do when your boner blocks your view.
Also last time, I had the ladies from Creed’s office with me. In keeping with my deal that everybody would get a chance, I now have the gentlemen this week – say hello to Kyler Tristan and Féodris “Féo” Alexandris!
*Kyler sits kicked back in his chair, hands behind his head, assault rifle laying unloaded across his chest; contrary to his bio picture from two riffs prior, he does not sport angel wings, leading one to presume that they only sometimes exist*
*Féo sits straight-backed and with all the rigid politeness of one who has grown up in a strict household environment; beside his seat are two cases: One for his trusty semi-automatic sport carbine, lovingly maintained and carefully refitted down to absolute mathematic perfection for paranormal hunting purposes, and the other for his violin, which Féo has owned for years, but due to his obsession with its upkeep, it still looks brand new*
Also, Simon’s back again. Figured it was appropriate.
Simon: That, and Kyler and I share hairstyle preferences.
Kyler: But not Féo?
No, Féo has the silky-smooth ponytail, you guys have the fluffy ponytails.
Kyler: Aaah, right, right.
Féo: It takes me hours of showering to get it like this, I should have you know.
Simon: I just kind of wake up with my look.
Féo: Great. I hate you already.
Hey, how about we get this riff going? It’s a bit longer than last week, so we’re gonna be here a while anyhow.
Back with Alex
Simon: Why do you always start us out at a crappy spot?
You read this fic through and try finding a not-crappy spot to start at. I fucking dare you.
Kyler: Don’t you make him jump to Triple-Dog.
Simon: Ha! He doesn’t have the guts! Jumping to Triple-Dog from the baseline Dare is like taboo!
I TRIPLE-DOG DARE YOU.
Féo: You madman!
Don’t fucking test me, Bellamay, I’m a man with nothing to lose.
*Simon and SC glare all squinty-like at each other*
Kyler: …Now kiss!
*SC sputters and dissolves into laughter*
Simon: Motherfucker, I knew someone was gonna do that!
With a heavy sighed and a quick spit to get the foul taste out of his mouth,
Kyler: ‘Ay! You chewing that tebaccy, Alex?
Féo: Didn’t think him the type.
Alex dug his feet into his current roof and sprung forward with enough force to dislodge a few wooden shingles.
Simon: Hey, that’s someone’s house, asshole!
I hope you’re paying for that later, Killian.
Heaving painful breath after painful breath, the youth raced across roof and with one burst of physical power, lunged off the edge and flew across the gap that separated him from the iron works, his hands stretching forward. His entire upper torso caught solid wood as he slammed into the neighboring roof.
Kyler: That’s a few broken ribs, maybe a bruised pelvis.
Féo: If that impact didn’t crack his collarbone, I will call shenanigans right here and now.
“Shit!” he cringed, his hands and chin digging into the shingles like meat-hooks,
Imagining Alex with a meat hook for a chin is horrifying.
Simon: Sounds like something out of Hellraiser.
Kyler: Man, I hated those movies.
Féo: I hated that you made me watch them.
Kyler: Listen, when I invite you over for movie night, you shouldn’t expect a cutesy little meet-up with jammies and popcorn, alright? I take my movie nights fucking seriously, bro. We ARE staying awake all night, and we ARE watching every crappy movie I have in my digital library.
Féo: They wouldn’t be crappy if you had better taste in movies.
Kyler: That’s what Creed thinks about my choice in music!
To be fair, your choice in music is butt rock, dubstep and barely-metal.
Kyler: Now, don’t you start.
while his kicked and squirmed in the air, trying to find something to latch onto,
Féo: Okay, but his what?
Perhaps it’s better we not know.
*Simon chokes on his coffee*
Simon: Wai- *cough!* Wait a minute! When- *cough!* When did I start- *cough!* drin- *cough!* -king- *cough!* coffee?!
Yeah, I was about to ask that myself.
Kyler: That just looks like pisswater to me.
Féo: Because archangel blood courses through his veins, Kyler makes his coffee with about twenty scoops. Twenty large scoops.
Twen-? Jesus Christ, dude.
Kyler: It’s the only way I can wake up properly, man! If I were still just human, I’d only need one scoop, but I went and made a blood pact with a divine being second only to a literal god in power! Not my fault their kind are infinitely superior to my weak human ass and therefore need ten times as much coffee as I would, alright?
I mean, that’s all well and good, but couldn’t you just make like five cappuccinos and get the same effect?
Féo: Only if it was made with Cuban beans…
Kyler: He ain’t joking, either.
Simon: I’m half-Angelborn, they’re pretty hardy folks themselves. Maybe that’s why I didn’t notice I was drinking coffee until now?
Kyler: Could be.
Crazy-ass hybrids, I swear…
Simon: Now, don’t be racist.
Considering what you both just got done talking about, I think we can agree that there is nothing racist about my statement at all.
“Forget being a male nurse or a doctor/surgeon. Maybe I should start my one business,” he muttered, clutching a wooden beam that ran along the roof and pulled himself over the rim, “Call it selfless martyr for hire!”
There Stone-Man85 goes with the lazy writing again. AR, unfortunately, this is exactly how it was written. Puke bags are under the seat. No, not that seat, the other seat. Yeah, that one.
Simon: “Selfless martyr.” So I take it Stone-Man85 found that in a book and thought it sounded good but doesn’t actually know what it means?
Implying Stone-Man85 read a book at any point whilst writing this fic.
Simon: Yeah, I know, it’s stupid of me to think like that, but this is Alex calling himself something that could not apply to his character less if it tried. What the hell else should I be assuming? Either he found it in a book and thought it sounded cool, or he doesn’t realize that you can’t be a martyr without dying for a religious cause.
Kyler: You also can’t be selfless without purposely acting for the benefit of someone else. I’m pretty sure Alex is only doing this because he’s got himself a righteous stiffy for a pretty lady and wants to impress her with how concerned for her well-being he is.
He’ll have a hell of a time with that, considering that their first meeting consisted of him patronizing her, and the beginning of his second meeting had him buttering her up to avoid getting lolowned.
Féo: So in other words, he’s a scummy git.
And the irony is that it was intended for him to be a rough-and-tumble good guy like you guys and Simon. Seriously, in my correspondence with Stone-Man85 regarding Alex, he actually said that he thought Alex was how all the regular folks in the real world acted, because those were the kinds of people he was surrounded by.
Féo: Lovely. Some tool compared me to a tosser. I so appreciate that, yes I do.
Oh, I’m sure.
Kyler: You alright, Féo? Your British is showing.
Féo: Give me a second.
Suddenly an all to familiar voice called out from the crowed. “Can you hear me, Princess Mononoke?” it said.
Alex moved across the enormous roof and saw Lady Eboshi stepping out into a large clearing, flanked by a pair of rifle armed women, “What the… ? What’s she doing?”
Stepping up for a throwdown, obviously. I remember this part of the movie well.
“If it’s me and Yashahime you wish to kill, then come out and do so!” She smiled evilly, “I know it’s something you’ve wanted to do for a long time, now, hasn’t it? Something you’ve longed for, desired, even lusted. All for the sake of avenging the deaths of the forest creature’s we’ve killed over the years. The time has come for us to finish this, wouldn’t you agree?
Keep on twirling that moustache, you Bond villain, you.
Simon: Uh oh, has Eboshi suddenly become Eboshinnabe?
Hmm, I don’t think the Sannabe joke works for her. We might have to just stick to Not!Eboshi for this one.
Simon: No, I refuse, we are going to make a nickname for her.
Well you have fun thinking that one over, then, because I’m busy riffing right now.
Alex frowned at this, knowing full well that Eboshi was up to something, ‘This smells big time! he thought. Just what the hell are you trying to pull, Eboshi?‘
Féo: Nothing unexpected; she got dissed on her own turf via a sudden attack on her town, and has decided to address the one responsible directly. You know, as you do.
Yeah but this is Alex, so that means that she’s scheming something fierce. Which, in reality, she’s not. I mean, shit, San is alone in the middle of a viper’s nest and she’s making zero effort to lay low, what’s there for Eboshi to scheme?
“However, Eboshi continued. Before you try your blade against mine, I would like to introduce you to two women who also seek revenge!
Kyler: Just the two? I thought the entire joint wanted San reamed on the business end of a musket.
Apparently, these two are special, and I can’t say that I understand why.
She looked over her shoulder and glanced at the two women standing behind her. Revenge for family that have been slain by you and your wolves.
Wow, you know, Stone-Man85, quotation marks would really help show that Eboshi was speaking just then. Or that she ever stopped, for that matter.
Oh, my bad, I’m expecting an idiot who only cares about his little power fantasy to take heed of grammar advice. Really, I should know better by this point.
“Come out and face me you murdering wolf-whore!” the shorter, thin woman shouted, “My husband is dead because of you!”
“And so is my son!” the other, roundish woman added.
And I still fail to see what about these women is unique from anybody else. Literally, everybody in Irontown has suffered shit from San, including deaths in the family.
Simon: Maybe those two guys mentioned were among the upper echelon of the townspeople?
Oh, you mean the level occupied by Eboshi and nobody else? Yeah, sure they were, Simon. Be real, here, even the guards are just regular civs with a bit more responsibility heaped on their backs. MAYBE Gonza and the others of Eboshi’s personal guard could be counted as upper echelon, but given how paranoid she is about being stabbed in the back, I’d hesitate to stand by that claim.
Simon: Ah well. It was worth a shot.
Féo: Could I offer my reasoning? Has San dealt with any other women aside from Eboshi and Yashahime thus far?
…Oh shit, you’re right! She’s only dealt with the Irontown men as of this point in the story, this is her first time having a woman who isn’t Eboshi or Yashahime challenging her! Maybe that’s what’s unique about these ladies, the fact that they’re LADIES rather than more men.
Kyler: Now you see why Féo is counted among Creed’s inner circle, even though I have seniority in the office.
Féo: …There are exactly five of us, and Creed relies upon our candid views equally. I’m fairly certain we’re all his inner circle.
Kyler: That’s real touching, but not true at all. I still hear Creed and Lou mumbling from time to time that they’re concerned for mine and Rika’s survivability on the job, and that’s in spite of all the shit we’ve been through and came away from alive.
Féo: Well they’re certainly not any quieter about my odds, so unless you have more concrete proof of Creed’s discriminatory behavior than that, I think you’re just conjecturing with little evidence to support you.
Simon: Shit, when did we walk into a debate club meeting?
You know, you probably meant that as a joke, but Féo did spend some time on the debate team at his school.
Féo: Only about a year. Really, the majority of mine and Kyler’s ability to argue back and forth like this comes from the job. Investigating paranormal happenings tends to be a lot of speculation and guess-work, with the gaps for our respective arguments filled in by whatever bits of evidence we find which fit our theses. After that, it’s one part field forensics, which, by the way, is quite difficult to do when you have zero access to the proper resources, one part action, and one part puzzle-solving.
Simon: So, in this case, paranormal investigation is actually an investigation, and not, “Devil May Cry, Dante runs in and shoots all the demons in the face without doing all that much brain work?”
Kyler: Yeah. I’m sure Dante does his homework behind the scenes, but that takes away from the killing demons thing, so…
Wait, you guys have zero access to forensics equipment?
Féo: When we get out in the field, many times, we end up trapped where we are until the job’s done. We don’t really have the luxury of running back and forth between leads and the office like most regular investigators do. This job is really a seat-of-the-pants deal.
Simon: I can relate. When my team and I get deployed, we can’t come back to the Sanctuary until we’re certain the mission is complete, so if we need anything, we have to requisition it via portals.
Kyler: Hey, at least you have that option. Unless we pack our entire office into the Jeep that we use for transport, we usually end up under-equipped. And, well, there’s not much trunk space in that Jeep, you see. So we’re always under-equipped.
…Oh shit, we’re still riffing. Can that discussion until we’re done, guys.
A thick shroud of silence passed over the crowds of townspeople as the dark shape of a human figured rose from the peak of the iron works. The Princess Mononoke had finally shown herself, letting her presence be known by all.
Féo: And if it were me she were making that dramatic entrance towards, I’d have shot her clean off the roof by now.
Kyler: Really, dramatic entrances are super overrated.
For a long time Alex watched her as she looked down at the human’s below.
*Human* “Lady, my eyes are up here.”
He watched the way her exotic yet frightening mask hid her face, the way the black and red ears, carved from pieces of wood to imitate those of a wolf’s jutted from her hood, the way her cloak of white fur and clothing whipped through the air like the robes of death.
Simon: Holy shit, man, disguise.
Fucking amazing, bro.
As he looked at her, standing all exotic and mysterious as he was,
Nice try, Killian, nobody’s gonna believe that worth a shit, we’ve all seen how you act.
he had thought ponder into his head at this time.
Féo: I too partake in consideration imagining.
Kyler: Daydream musing is a pretty fun pastime.
Were all those terrible stories about her true? Was she in fact the wicked princess of the forest that killed without pity or remorse? The longer Alex let her image fill his vision, the more the answer seemed to elude him.
…She tried to fucking kill you, brainiac. Twice, though the first time she kind of just stood there and let her brothers have at you instead. And she was having a good old time with the idea of doing so. Plus, you personally assisted two mangled men in returning home, one of whom was practically shitting himself at the idea of going through San’s turf to get there. Not to mention that she’s infiltrated this town on a suicide mission to kill Eboshi and Yashahime, whom she has a severe hate-boner towards. You’re seriously confused as to her intentions? And you’re how far through school, again?
Kyler: See, Alex, this is why you suppress your stiffy when you’re in the middle of the shitstorm. If I let myself get entranced by every psycho bitch who happened to look cute, I’d have been dead a long time ago.
“So as you can see, Princess of Ghouls and Beasts,” Eboshi continued,
There’s probably a ton of different ways to translate San’s nickname, but that ain’t any one of them.
“These two women have as much reason to hate you as you to hate all of us.”
Simon: Again, that can be said for the entire damn town. Even with Féo’s reasoning, I’m not sure why these two are so special.
Uh, um, er, HEY LOOK, PLOT!
She took a few steps forward and stopped when she was at the center of the clearing, “Why don’t you come down here, and face us like a true princess should? Then we shall see who’s desire for revenge is stronger.”
Actually, a true princess would more likely hire mercenaries or send the guards after you whilst she made her quick exit out the back under the close watch of her entourage, because royalty is, shockingly, very important to a kingdom, and you really don’t want them biting the big one, you know? Now, there are certain exceptions to the rule, but generally speaking, a real princess wouldn’t even deign to grace Irontown with her presence if she had a beef with Eboshi and wanted her dead. Especially not with the entire town being armed and dangerous.
You’d think, being a cunning noblewoman of the Japanese political system of the times, that Eboshi might have a clue about that.
At that very moment, dozens upon dozens of armed riflemen were snaking their way through the narrow alleyways and taking up position along the surrounding roofs and watch towers. All the while Alex was watching them, going completely unnoticed from his small hiding place on the ironwork’s roof. “It’s a trap!” he said silently, the startling realization coming to him almost immediately, “The whole thing’s a trap!”
“Wait, Princess! Don’t listen to her! She’s just trying to trick you!” the young outlander shouted, running a short distance up the sloping roof.
His voice echoed all through the air, “It’s a trap!”
Kyler: Yeah, we got that the first time, buddy.
The wolf-girl just ignored him.
Féo: The quiet disses almost sting worse, don’t they?
Simon: Yeah, I much prefer that people try and bitch me out than give me the cold shoulder.
“Don’t you get it? They’re gonna kill you!” There was still no response. Unable to control his growing anger, Alex tightened his fists and shouted, “You crazy girl, please listen to me! If you go down there you’re gonna die! Don’t throw your life away for the sake of some stupid feud!”
“You’re wasting your time, Alexander!” Eboshi called out, gaining his attention, “She knows very well that no matter what the outcome of this assault may be, her life ends tonight within these walls!”
The plot of both the movie and this fic says otherwise, madam.
Kyler: Sucks when fate stacks the cards against you in all possible ways, doesn’t it?
The young woman smirked,
Ooh, bad move, m’lady.
*Féo drops a fedora on SC’s head*
It was a way addressing nobility in that time period! Fuck off!
“Her fate has been sealed, Alexander. It’s pointless to prolong the inevitable!”
Seriously, I’d like to get through this chapter at some point.
Alex reeled on her, “Says you, Eboshi!” he snapped viciously, “You may think that destroying this forest is going to bring prosperity to your Iron Town, but it won’t! If anything, this war’s just going to bring ruin and destruction! Just like it nearly did to the village I saved from the God Demon that your rifles created!”
Still on about that, huh?
Simon: No sense focusing on it now, you can only bust someone’s ass so many times.
“Here she comes!” a riflemen shouted, raising his musket.
Oh, he finally uses the right word! That’ll never happen again.
When Alex turned around and looked up, he saw that the Princess Mononoke was already rushing down the roof, her dagger raised to make its next kill.
Now, recall that this is a sloped roof, and Stone-Man85 probably imagines San doing a Naruto run rather than the stutter-step that would actually happen.
Kyler: San would totally be eating shit right now.
Simon: She’d fall on her own damn dagger, the way she’s going. Fuck getting shot.
He looked back at the riflemen who were preparing to fire, then back at the Wolf Girl.
Féo: Let me guess, big dramatic hero moment?
Well, maybe not heroic or dramatic, but certainly a moment.
“Crap!” he said under his breath and began running across the roof, hoping to intercept her before she reached the edge. That hope was slowly beginning to fade when he saw that she was already halfway down the roof. Being physically exhausted didn’t help matters either.
My God, that building really IS 75% roof.
Simon: What, did that Bifocals chick build it?
[Why does everybody keep blaming me? I do not do architecture. -Bifocals]
A sharp pain suddenly shot through his wrist, causing him to cry out in anguish and clutch his right wrist. The pain was ringing and buzzing through his brain and wouldn’t stop.
Wow, did he actually bust his hand from punching that one guy out? What a bitch.
“FIRE!” shouted the rifle man before the sounds of gunfire filled the air.
Hearing this, Alex pushed aside the pain in his head and wrist, and threw himself at the Princess Mononoke. “Look out!” he yelled, grabbing her by the waist and pushing her out of range. As they both tumbled over each other, the section of roof that Alex had pushed the wolf-girl away from was violently torn apart by an onslaught of red-hot iron projectiles.
Simon: Hey, fuckers! Someone’s gotta pay for that!
Oh, who are they gonna bill? San? Alex?
Kyler: They probably should bill Alex.
I mean, I agree, but that’s not the point.
The two humans continued to role down the roof, unable to stop as they nearly reached the edge.
Don’t you just hate it when you get so far into character that you can’t stop?
The now enraged Princess Mononoke kicking and struggling to free herself from a very confused Alex’s hold.
Simon: Man, her temper has a worse hair trigger than mine does.
Yeah, but yours is considerably more volatile in the long run. San’ll just kill you, you’d fuck them up long and hard first, and then kill them after they’ve gotten way too worn down from getting their shit wrecked to fight back.
Simon: Yup. Tried to do that a number of times to that worthless fucker Damien from my old school – God knows he deserved it, what with the constant bullshit he put me through – but there was always a teacher to break us up before I could. And it was usually Stratholme, given that his cover was as my homeroom teacher.
Kyler: Yeah, schools are funny like that, they tend to frown on you destroying your fellow students, even if they do bully you relentlessly.
Simon: I would’ve only destroyed him a little bit!
“Let go of me you stupid human!” she growled, “Just what do you think you’re doing?”
Trying to get in good with you so he can expedite the hanky-panky.
Simon: It’s really not hard to guess Alex’s objectives.
“Trying to save your life!” Alex shot back, cringing as the kicks to his shins and knees intensified, “Ow! That hurt’s dammit!” He kept a strong grip on the hand which held the dagger. The least he could do was keep her from stabbing him.
Féo: Yes, that is something one might think to do. You know, as a general rule.
Getting stabbed tends to hurt, I find. I’d rather not have it happen to me, you know?
When they finally reached the edge of the roof, the wolf-girl was the first one to go over. However, before she was able to fall that much of a distance, Alex grabbed hold of a piece of wood sticking out of the roof and tightened his grasp on her wrist, “Just hang on!” he shouted, gritting his teeth and wincing at the growing pain in his arms and shoulders, “I won’t let you go! I swear!”
Simon: At this point, I’d break my arm in any manner I needed to so that I could force him to drop me.
You too, huh?
“These encounters of ours are really becoming irritating, human!” the young wolf-girl said from behind her mask as she dangled high above the ground like a piece of drying meat.
Kyler: That was the weirdest analogy I’ve ever seen applied to a person.
Féo: Not even some of the demons we’ve ever faced say anything like that, and they love to remind us that without our emblems, we’re just a glorified smorgasbord compared to them.
Stone-Man85 continues to befuddle.
“At this point in my life, the feeling’s becoming mutual, Princess,” Alex retorted curtly, “Just what are you trying to do, get yourself killed or something?”
No, she’s trying to kill everybody else and you keep getting in the way of her doing so. There’s a big difference, there.
“Your concern touches me, human. But unlike you, I’m not afraid to die!”
“How admirable,” Alex grunted, “But it’s not about fear, for me…”
Simon: Yeah, if you die, who does Alex stick his dick in, then?
*Féo involuntarily spits his coffee across his lap*
Kyler: Nice. Here, have a handkerchief.
Féo: Thank you.
Just then another round of projectiles were fired at them. A few struck the several feet away from the young wolf-girl’s torso, the rest near Nathan’s legs and head.
*SC slaps a buzzer*
Hi, Nathan!: 13
One however, managed to to catch a section of Nathan’s shoulder, ripping the leather of his jacket and skimming the surface.
*SC blinks, then slaps a buzzer again*
Hi, Nathan!: 14
The dark-haired youth cried out in pain, the suddenness of the injury causing his hand to open and release the wrist he was holding on to.
Simon: Welp, Sannabe dead.
lol bye, nerd!
The Princess Mononoke fell nearly thirty feet before she landed on the hard ground.
Though she had not been damaged by the impact, she was left somewhat dazed.
Kyler: Bullshit, she fell thirty feet! That’s enough to kill a man, or at least badly cripple him! What, is she like me, and has superhuman injury recovery?
With a pained groan, she pushed herself onto her feet. When she looked up from the ground she saw Lady Eboshi standing many yards away, the two rifle armed women at her sides.
“Fire!” the Iron town mistress shouted.
Oh, now she really dead.
Féo: Sucks to be her.
Yep, and that’s where we’re gonna call the riff for this week!
Thanks for reading, folks, and stay tuned for next time! I know we’re joking around about Sannabe being dead, but she’s probably not, just our luck. Because then who would Alex’s fuck-buddy be? Moro? In the meantime, I’m SC, and on behalf of Simon Bellamay III, Kyler Tristan and Féodris Alexandris, I’ll see you next time!
…You need a spare change of pants, bro?
Féo: Nah, this’ll dry out. I’ll just have a cold crotch for a while.
Kyler: Heh heh~
Féo: Oh, shut up, you.
Simon: Be fair, you kinda walked right into that one.
Féo: You shut up, too! You’re the reason this happened!