1360: Fire Emblem: ReAwaken: Chapter Seventeen

Title: Fire Emblem: ReAwaken
Author: MaesterDimentio
Media: Video Game
Topic: Fire Emblem
Genre: Adventure/Fantasy
URL: Chapter 17
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck, Sura T’Lenya, and Crunchy Raptor

Hello ladies and gents, and welcome back to Fire Emblem: ReAwaken! As usual, I’m joined by Sura and Crunchy, who are going to help me slog through more of this fic!

Sura T’Lenya: I’m not expecting anything to happen this chapter.

Crunchy: Ah, however did you guess that we would have another uneventful chapter?

ST’L: Wait, have you read ahead a little?

C: I refuse to elaborate on that.

Yeah, and we don’t have much time to anyway, so let’s leave it at that, yeah? Anyway, let’s get on with the chapter, shall we?

We start our chapter with this:

If there was one word to describe my current situation, it would be:

OW.

I would say that about this fic, but these days this fic hasn’t really piled it on with the especially eye-gouging epic fail.

ST’L: Hey, that’s better for my mental health.

And for everybody else’s mental health, too.

“That’s it! I quit!” I cry, waving my arm feebly in the air and wincing at the pain. God, if this is all imaginary I can only imagine what this would feel like in real life. I cringe at the sound of boots crunching on soft earth and soon, Alistair’s face is hovering over mine, a sinister grin on his face. “…truce?” I ask, though any hope I may have had disappears when the grin just gets wider.

“Come on, Kelly, we’ve just gotten started!” he chides, grabbing me by my arm- which, by the way, OW- and lifts me roughly to my feet. I don’t know when, but he’s taken to calling me Kelly. I’m sure that’s supposed to offend me and make me mad, but at this point, I don’t care… “Now, what’s the score? The Amazing Alistair with somewhere in the hundreds and little Kelly with… Oh, right: ZERO!” The grin twists into a sneer as he shoves me backwards, readying his sword. “Now come on! Give me all you’ve got!”

“I have been,” I complain, readying my blade. “You’re just too cheap! I mean come on! Speed, strength, agility- how the hell do you expect me to hit you?” It really does seem like there’s no way to hit the bastard: he either deflects the strike, blocks it completely with his blade, or dodges past it.Come on Kale, think! He’s fast, strong, and he’s got a sword that’s ridiculously big. How do you beat- Shit, here he comes! I let out a yelp of surprise as he suddenly rushes forwards, slashing downwards to cut me in half. “Hey, I thought the fight hadn’t started yet!” Come on, I need a plan!

*frown*

Wait, so… Is this training, or not? Because I was under the impression that in training, your instructor actually, I dunno, advised you on how to correct your mistakes?

C: Apparently, such a step in training is that thing other people do.

No kidding. Like, shit, at least if you’re going to have him do a repetitive exercise, he should get something out of it. Like, shit, look at this over here:

Kid had to pick up a jacket thousands of times, and yet it was tied into the ultimate point of the instruction. What Kale is going through now isn’t training: it’s fucking fraternity hazing taken to its logical extreme! What the fuck is it supposed to do here?

ST’L: I know my C-SEC drill sergeants would’ve been out of a job if they did shit like this. Like, they put us through hell, but it’s kind of necessary to keep a clear head in a tense situation, you know?

No kidding. Seriously, what is this?

That damn sneer won’t leave his ugly face. “An enemy won’t say when he’s going to attack, will he?” Al charges, his sword held at his side. An idea- which I can’t believe I just had, considering how long we’ve been going at it. Good Lord, I need to start thinking more- forms in my head as I realize he’s going for a horizontal swipe. Just as he swings, I bring up the Sword of Arashi and use its blade to block, bringing my forearm against it to help support the weight of his weapon. There’s my opening! Go, go! I see his eyes widen as he realizes his mistake. I rush forwards, sparks flying off of the metal of our blades as mine scrapes along his, and slam my shoulder into his chest. He stumbles back, dropping his guard for the second I need.

“Hey Al,” I shout, running towards him with my sword reared back, “How’s this?!” He lifts his blade, deflecting the stab I was aiming at his chest, but it still manages to pierce his shoulder. I see his grip on his sword loosen as he cries out in pain, but it doesn’t last as I slam my free fist into the bastard’s face. There’s a crack and- Did I seriously just break his nose again? …Whatever. Time for Al to get a dose of his own medicine! I slash downwards, cutting straight across his chest. His pained cry is cut short as he coughs suddenly and falls down to the ground, breathing heavily.

… And then he gets to have a moment of awesome. Just because.

ST’L: And sword masters the world over are taking objection to this, I imagine.

I imagine they would, given he’s not actually learning anything. I mean, it’s like—

“I think this point goes to me-”

And I’m on the ground. I blink and suddenly his sword is sticking out of my stomach, which in most cases would absolutely terrify me. If it hadn’t been for the fact that this is like the hundredth time that it’s happened, I’m sure it would. “Sorry Kelly, but I win,” Al says, and yes: The smug-ass grin is still on his face. “I’ll give you some credit though,” he starts as he removes his sword, “I actually hadn’t realized what you were planning until after you’d blocked my swing. Not bad, I must admit. ‘Course, it’s not like I didn’t have a backup plan.”

*facepalm*

And of course it then turns out that “whoops, nope”.

C: There, there, parrot. The second you attempt to stop searching for the logic in the scene, it will be less painful.

Funny that a Sith lord is telling me that.

C: Oh be quiet. At least there is a lesson to be learned from this. Never be certain of the outcome until the other person is dead.

ST’L: Across getting killed a hundred times? I’m pretty sure you can get it across in much less time than that, right?

Well, I dunno, at least it’d get it across that “if you know the enemy, you’re doing something wrong”. And given that, I think I’d—

I stare at him. “Are you telling me that you let me stab you in the shoulder?” I question.

“Yep.” He kneels down and grabs me by the shoulder. “Sometimes its best to take a hit, especially if it’ll leave your opponent feeling cocky,” he tells me as he hauls me to my feet.

C:

ST’L: Ah, yes, take a stab to the shoulder. Never mind such a blow could pierce several major arteries and screw with your cardio-vascular system, you should certainly take a life-threatening wound if it’ll let you kill the other guy.

*facepalm*

That lesson is so stupid it’s not even funny. I just… please tell me that wasn’t the only thing there.

“Never, and I mean ever, start to feel like you’ve got the fight in the bag, got it Kelly? It ain’t over ’til it’s over, right?”

There you go. Thank you. I was about to call this a complete loss.

ST’L: Still stupid, though. I mean, Jesus Christ, can someone please call the doppelganger on his shit?

“Yeah, sure,” I mumble. Seriously? He was actually willing to let me stab him if it meant him winning. Way to take away any sense of victory, jerk… Still, it did feel pretty nice to slug him across the face, so I guess that’s some consolation. “I can’t believe it… I actually thought I’d had you for a moment.”

You did,” Arashi says, causing both of us to look up at the two floating orbs. Ever since the training began, he’s been kind of quiet; the last time I asked him why, he said that he was resting. I guess whatever happened in Ylisstol really took it out of him. Regardless, it’s a surprise to be hearing from him. That slash across the chest you performed would certainly have been fatal to any opponent. This fool simply decided to lie down and wait for you to make the next move,” he explains, causing me to stare at Al in disbelief and anger.

Thank you, Arashi, for bringing some sense into the proceedings.

C: It is still the fic itself calling its characters stupid.

Hey, I’ll take it at this point in Arashi’s favor.

Anyway, the point is considered to go to Kale, and then they’re like “right, training’s over”. He then of course yawns, and—

C: Wait, what?

“Sounds good to me,” I say, right before a yawn escapes my mouth. “Huh. Guess all of this training took a lot out of me.” …Wait, what? “…Arashi, Al… why am I tired from all of this training?” I ask, a cold tingle running up my spine as the two of them share a nervous glance. Then again, it’s really hard to tell if Arashi looks nervous- he’s a pair of floating eyes for crying out loud.

“…Bye Kale!” he says hurriedly.

Before I can protest, the world fades to white and-

… And…?

…Oh…God… Kill me now!

It feels like I just ran fifty marathons, I’m so tired! I struggle to crack my eyes open as sunlight starts to filter in through the window and immediately wince from the light. What did those bastards do? Why am I so tired?!

*facepalm*

Are you seriously telling me the method of training they’re using involves using Arashi’s power? You know, the thing they said could kill Kale if he used too much of it?

ST’L: *facepalm*

C: It cannot be so simple, I do not think. He would not be so willing to do that to his progeny, now, would he?

Crunchy, this guy keeps changing personalities every three seconds, would you be surprised?

C: … Not truly, no.

See? There you go!

I fight to sit up, only to fall backwards and hit my pillow with a flump. My eyes immediately start to weigh down, making me will myself awake. “Arashi! Explain why I’m so fucking tired, now!”

It’s only temporary!” he assures me, not that I really care at the moment! “Mentally, you are fatigued, but physically your body has gotten all of the rest that it needs. Give it a few moments and your mind should realize that you’ve gotten the sleep you need.”

Wait, so physically he’s okay, but mentally he’s tired?

ST’L: This better have been a hyper lucid dream. Otherwise, I have every right to ask Arashi if he’s got any idea how sleep works.

And you and Al expect me to do this every night?!”

It’s to make you stronger…”

“…I hate you both…”

To be quite fair, I’d hate them if they deprived me of mental sleep to do training exercises of that caliber, too.

Anyway, Kale asks if Daven is up. It’s just in time two, because then he gets the opportunity to wake Daven up from a nightmare. He gets backhanded in Daven’s sleep for his troubles which leads him to do…

“This… if for your own good,” I say as he starts to toss and turn the sheets, I ball them up in my hands and pull.

“Wha-” Daven cries as he suddenly finds himself airborne. It’s only for a second before-

*THUD*

-impact.

ST’L: Does Fire Emblem typically work on cartoon physics?

Hm… Debatable. Given how high these characters jump in fighting animations on a regular basis while strapped in crazy armor, I imagine it operates on at least anime physics, but I don’t know for certain. Thus…

C: Still, a little ridiculous, no? I should think that kind of method to wake your child up is not great.

ST’L: Hey, he isn’t exactly a child!

Still!

“What the- Father?! What did you do that for?!” he shouts as he scrambles to his feet.

I fold my arms against my chest. “Would you rather I let you have a nightmare that was clearly upsetting you? Just what kind of father do you expect me to be, Daven?”

I don’t know, not wake him up in a method that causes over-the-top harm to him? Seriously, man!

ST’L: Okay, that’s fair enough. That is a little over the top there.

Right?

Anyway, Kale asks if Daven wants to talk about it. At this point, Daven gets started on a lengthy infodump about himself and the bad future, and lo and behold…

“That bastard appeared,” he growls. “Do you remember back at the monastery, when that mage appeared?” he asks me.

“You mean the one who nearly killed me and my friends a few couple of days before? Yeah, I kinda remember him,” I say calmly. In my mind, however, I feel uneasy. So, that guy was in the future as well… Just who the hell is he?

Hey, stupid afterlife guy already kind of told you, Kale.

C: Such small memory. What is this?

Anyway, Daven continues, before…

“Eventually, they cornered us. We prepared to make our last stand, when… it showed up…”

It? “Do you mean… Grima?”

He shakes his head. “No, not Grima…but maybe something almost as bad,” he says quietly. “We’d never seen anything like it before- it didn’t look like a Risen, and gods, it didn’t look anything like a human… The mage brought it out before us and commanded his Risen to back away. He said… if we defeated that thing, his… pet, as he called it, we would all be allowed to go free. We… didn’t have much of a choice, so… we fought it.” He closes his eyes and shakes his head. “Gods, why did we decide to fight it,” I hear him mutter.

So Daven and the others fought of an undescribed “it”, and it was so horrible that it’s not even describable. I know that Fire Emblem is in the business of creating epic monsters to kill as a final boss, but when did they take inspiration from H.P. Lovecraft?

C: I thought everyone was in the business of making Lovecraftian abominations these days!

Not Nintendo, no.

In my head, something clicks into place and I suddenly want to slap myself for not realizing it sooner. “Daven,” I start hesitantly, “you’ve never told me the names of anyone from the future before.” He tenses up. “I pretty much had to force you into admitting that there’s someone named Lucina, and you won’t even tell me the names of my other kids, so… I have to ask why you’re so willing to talk about Adam.”

ST’L: Let me guess: something you decided to skip?

Hey, the prose surrounding would’ve made boring snark, what do you want me to do?

C: Whatever the case, that is not important. Is this “Adam” originally in the game?

I… don’t believe he was. Which means he may either be one of Daven’s siblings, or someone else had kids.

ST’L: My money’s on the latter. You’d think if he were a sibling, Daven would talk about him as such.

True. But again, bad fanfic. All bets are off.

ST’L: Whatever you say.

Anyway, Kale asks if Adam dies. Before Daven can answer in the affirmative, they’re interrupted by Al being all “come out and help, guys!” Daven then says “not everyone made it”, before they leave the room. They walk into another room to hear Marco be all “HOW COULD YOU LET GARRET LIE AT THE BAR ALL NIGHT”, before Al tells him:

“When I went to bed, he was still drinking, alright? Hey, I even tried to get him to come back to the room and get some rest, but this Harker’s really got him worried apparently,” he explains. Turning his head back to Marco, he smirks.

Oh crap! Shit!

*ducks under the table*

Sura, get the taser, Cerbersheep might be on the loose again!

ST’L: Whatever you say, boss.

“Oh, and by the way, he may have mentioned about his past as a bandit while he was hammered.” Marco and I share a nervous look, but Albert quickly adds, “Not that I really care; I was just glad to finally know how he knew this Harker person in the first place.”

So he’s not going to be an ass and turn him in. Thank God for that…

Hey, more points we can add to the “Albert the Likable Character” counter!

ST’L: Always nice to do that.

So then Kale is like “wait, you didn’t know”, before Al is like “no, and I was trying to figure that out”. The group then gets the idea of grabbing each limb and hoisting him back to bed. We then get a line break to…

An hour later, we manage to get him into his bed.

I think I’d have preferred going more rounds with Al in my head.

Oh sod off. It does not take a single fucking hour to hoist a man through a rather small inn to get sleep!

C: I presume you mean without the Force.

Especially not with the Force!

“Why… didn’t we… think of taking… his armor off… sooner?!” Albert exclaims as he leans against one of the walls, struggling to get his breath back. Not that I blame him; we all are. “Gods, that was… almost… as bad as Academy training…” he mutters.

Yeah, that’s a good question. Why didn’t you take his armor off? And for that matter, why the hell was he wearing armor to drink beer? Man, can you imagine what beer stains would do to that armor?

ST’L: I don’t know, but I bet it’d make it look pretty cool.

C: And you care little for its functionality afterwards.

ST’L: Hey, it’s not like I’d be using it. I’d just hang it up on the wall. I can deal with possible corrosion later.

“He’s lying on the floor next time,” I state plainly. “Garrett’s a full-grown man, so he can take care of himself.”

“Agreed,” the other three say together.

C: A little callous of them, no?

No kidding.

Anyway, Kale asks where the girls are, and Marco is like “they’re asleep”. He then is all “so we need to prepare agains the Hounds. He charges Albert with picking up weapons and supplies, and then he tells Kale and Daven to show them where their headquarters will likely be. Marco then decides to wake the girls, and Kale is like “welp, here we go”.

One line break later…

“…WILL SOMEONE PLEASE SAY SOMETHING?!” I scream, turning on everyone and flinging my arms out. They all stay silent, leaving me to hang my head in shame.

I believe the expression in your world is: If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all,” Arashi whispers in my head.

*twitches*

ST’L: Are you all—

*BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM*

NO! NO! YOU DO NOT GET TO SAY THAT, ARASHI! YOU DO NOT GET TO SAY THAT IN A FIRE EMBLEM FIC!

ST’L: Um… Are you al—

*BAM* *BAM*

YOU DO NOT GET TO—

*is shot with a tranquilizer dart*

… Ring around the rosies, a pocket… full… of… Charles… Burgh…

*falls to the ground, snores*

C: I did not believe he was still traumatized by that fic…

ST’L: What are you talking about?

C: The previous time that phrase applied to a Fire Emblem fanfic, romanticized sexual harassment was involved.

ST’L: … Oh. It’s that fic.

C: Of course. *looks to the parrot* Well… Now that he’s unconscious, what do you propose we do?

ST’L: Eh… Finish the chapter, I guess?

C: I do not see why not. Let us continue, shall we, asari?

ST’L: Sure.

I ignore him and look back up at the group, noticing that Daven’s stepped away from them. Does he think they’ll try and choke him out for sticking them with this place or something?

“I know it looks bad-”

“Bad?” Myra cuts in. “This place looks like its barely standing on its own! Kale, what were you thinking-“

ST’L: Hey, cost-cutting measures, you know. That accounts for a lot of things, especially considering your shopping spree cut into expenditures.

“Myra, if you hadn’t been shopping, then perhaps you could’ve helped Kale and Daven find a better place for us to live.” Myra shrinks back as Marco admonishes her. Okay, that felt good. Thank you Marco.

C: I would thank the fic itself, but the Stu already did that for me. Thank you, Kale.

ST’L: No kidding.

C:

ST’L:

C: … So shall you handle summaries, or should I?

ST’L: Oh, right! Um… You handle it.

C: I thought you would never ask. Anyhow, the meathead and the others watch as a window fall, and then the Stu attempts to salvage his pride by stating the following:

And hey, you haven’t even stepped past the gate yet! Come on, this place is perfect for us:

ST’L: Right. *gets out a notebook* Let’s see, shall we?

It’s got a big courtyard that we can train in,

ST’L: Okay. *marks it off on the list* Proceed.

a place that we can put horses,

ST’L: And I’m assuming that’s horses, plural.

C: Naturally.

ST’L: Thought so. *marks it off on the list*

and I’m sure there’s some stuff that I haven’t even seen yet!” Granted, I’m not entirely sure if I want to see it, but I’ve got to defend what little pride I have left dammit!

ST’L: Places to put horses, and a courtyard we can train in. I guess it’s a good thing these guys are a small mercenary outfit, right?

C: They are not the Thedan Inquisition, asari.

ST’L: True. Still, if they do end up expanding at any point, that could be a problem in a busy metropolitan area. Especially if it’s right next to an orphanage.

C: Metropolitan?

ST’L: *shrug* For the time, anyway.

C: Fair, fair. Anyhow, Marco commands Kale to give them the grand tour, and then there is yet another of those silly line breaks. We turn to—

Meanwhile…

In the mountains on the border of Ylisse and Plegia, a jet black pegasus flew through its valleys before finally coming to a stop at the entrance of a large cave. The rider, a woman with dark skin, white hair, and dark purple tattoos wearing a rather revealing outfit, dismounted the animal and walked into the cave. The moment she set foot into the space, her high-heeled shoes clacking on the stone, torches lining the walls lit up.

C: Well, I do not know about you, asari, but I rather think it is fortunate that the parrot is not conscious to see this, no?

ST’L: I don’t think he’d call it costume porn, though. It’s really not that overdone.

C: True. It is the principle of the thing, though.

ST’L: Also true.

C: The strange woman then walks to a door, and speaks to a guardian. The woman introduces her as—

“Tell your master that Aversa has arrived,” the woman- Aversa- ordered the guardian.

ST’L: … What kind of name for a woman is “Aversa”?

C: A canon one, I believe.

ST’L: Wait, you know that?

C: Of course. Taco and then the parrot had the good sense to tell me to look up information on this canon before snarking in it. Evidently, Aversa is one of the principal antagonists.

ST’L: So right up your alley, then.

C: She can be recruited in one of the paralogues, though. That rather takes the edge off of her evil, do you not think?

ST’L: Kinda does, but I don’t see why that bothers you.

C: Of course it bothers me! It simply does not do to be only partway evil! *clears throat* The guardian lets Aversa enter this strange place, and then she begins to speak at some “Malum”.

ST’L: Malum? Damn, getting a bit on the nose there, aren’t we? Is that even the guy’s name?

For a few minutes, Aversa walked forwards silently, the crackling of the torches the only sound. Soon, she saw a light at the end of the tunnel and upon reaching it, scowled. “And here I believed you actually showed some promise, Malum, but it seems you are content to simply sit about and play king. Just how is sitting around supposed to get us any closer to Validar’s goal? I would honestly call into question your loyalty, though I’m not sure if you ever had any to begin with.”

ST’L: … This guy’s really reaching for the Awesome McEvil mantle.

C: At least he has potential to actually reach that mantle. It is far better than Lackey McEvil, I will say as much.

A shadow suddenly fell over her from behind, causing her to start. Turning around, she was shocked to see a massive knight standing there, seemingly appearing from nowhere. Before she could react, it reached down with one of its hands and grabbed her by the throat. “Malum… what is the meaning of this?!” she screamed as it lifted her into the air, its hand choking the life out of her.

ST’L: Wait, hang on. So it grabbed her by the throat and choked her… while she was asking this Malum what his deal is?

C: Quite the amateur, that knight. If it really is attempting to choke the life out of her, it is doing a rather poor job of it. Really, such poor form for an introductory scene for another villain.

A dark chuckle resounded around the room as, from the other side, a familiar mage stepped from the black throne he sat upon. “My dear Aversa,” the mage rasped, “you wound me. Have I not already shown more than enough promise to you and lord Validar? I believe my exploits in Ylisse were more than enough of a show of my loyalty to Grima.”

ST’L: Or it’s that evil mage guy.

C: Ah, yes! Much better! The mage was already becoming an awesome McEvil, but now he is confirming it more! He even has a throne on which to do his evil plotting!

ST’L: Yeah, why is that?

C: It helps to clear the mind, asari. Have you ever attempted to take over the world without a throne? Dreadful. There are distractions absolutely everywhere.

ST’L: Hey, I’ll take your word for it, seeing as how I don’t know anything about all that.

C: Malum… How wonderful is it that we have a name to him now? Malum orders the knight to put Aversa down, before Aversa states that Validar will have his head for that, as any proper Awesome McEvil would proclaim at such a betrayal. Of course…

He tilted his head as he looked at her. “My dear, sweet, stupid Aversa,” he sighed, “do you realize what I am capable of? By the time you took a step across this room, I could have every single one of your fingers and toes in the palm of my hand.” As if to accentuate his point, an arrow shot out of the darkness and just narrowly cleared the gap between their faces. As it stuck into the ground, he leaned forwards until his face was by her ear. “And that is what I would do if I was being merciful. Would you like to hear what I would do if I was feeling… less than merciful?” he asked quietly, a sadistic lilt to his voice. Suddenly he jumped back, the claws shooting back into the robes he wore. “However, for what reason could I possibly ever wish to harm you? After all, allies have no reason to fight?”

C: What is this excitement I suddenly feel in my veins?

ST’L: You getting your daily dose of coffee, apparently. Goddess, Herr was not kidding about how evil you are.

C: And you have only now realized this?

ST’L: You tell me how I’m supposed to see this side of you come out during Jasmine cumslut.

C: *raises finger, before pausing* You bring up a fair point, asari. You bring up a fair point. *lowers finger*

Even though she didn’t voice it, and despite who she was, Aversa couldn’t help but feel unnerved at how quickly Malum had changed his attitude towards her. She watched as he turned to the knight and spoke. “Go and see if the table has been set. Aversa and I have much to discuss over our lord’s plans and our involvement in them.” As the knight stalked off, disappearing into one of the many corridors that branched off from the room they were in, Malum held out his arm towards another hall. “I believe that which I promised Validar is this way. Would you like to come see my… pet?” She narrowed her eyes in suspicion but nodded nonetheless. Turning on his heel, the mage led her down the hall, where faint shrieks could be heard coming from somewhere further down.

C: Ah, and he has invented a pet. Surely this Awesome McEvil will triumph over lesser evil and emerge as the true villain! He must show Validar what a weakling he is! I mean, really, asari, manipulating entire continents? And he is evidently only so powerful as his master? Truthfully, what sort of villain is that? He is a mere puppet! Perhaps we shall see what his pet will do to Aversa.

ST’L: Or we’ll have a line break and we’ll cut back to the Stu and his friends.

C: Wait, what?

Despite everyone’s first impression of the barracks, including my own, I must admit that it looked a lot better on the inside than it did at first glance.

C: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

ST’L: *sips Serrice Ice Brandy* Good, we at least managed to avoid having an evilgasm today.

C: Curse you, MaesterDimentio! You will rue the day you dared tease I, Crunchy Raptor, with the promise of a villain that—

ST’L: Isn’t less supposed to be more or something? The less we see of this guy, the better!

C: … I hate you, asari.

ST’L: Feeling’s mutual, raptor. Shall I take over the summary?

C: If you wish. But heed me well, asari, I will—

ST’L: Yeah, yeah, spare me the hammy speech, I get it, you’re going to ruin my day. Nothing special. Moving on. *clears throat* So we spend a long time on Kale killing a spider before Marco tells Kale “it certainly does look better than I expected”. They hear Myra scream, and they go to ensure she doesn’t burn the place down, before another line break takes us back to the inn. Garrett is finally awake, of course, and then Marco starts talking about the Harker job and how it’s going to pay enough to get the barracks repaired. Of course, this means they have to start training, and Marco immediately tells them all to go to bed. And right as they go to their beds…

Then it hits me: I’m going to be training tomorrow.

I’ve also got training to do tonight.

ST’L: Eh, settle down, kid. I’m sure it’s better training than Dumb and Dumber over there can give you.

As the realization hits me, I smack my head into the wooden door. “Arashi, can you and Al please cancel tonight’s-“

No.”

C: Which is why, of course, they will do it anyway.

ST’L: Well, you know what they say: if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.

I slam my head into the wood again, not caring if I attract anyone’s attention, because as of this very moment, I am so fucked.

ST’L: On the plus side, he’s got about the right reaction to it.

C: Indeed. Now, is there anything else?

ST’L: I guess not. Looks like the chapter ends here, but I wonder what—

Okay, so once upon a time, I mentioned taking OC’s from other people and putting them in this story. Well for those of you who cared to remember that little tidbit of information, I have good news for you: I’m ready to start accepting your characters.

ST’L: … And suddenly, I’m glad he’s still unconscious.

C: I believe you would have nothing to worry about there. SC already went on about this.

ST’L: Still, you never can tell with that parrot. He’s loud like that. Anyway, after that, we get a long form about the character submission that doesn’t have a lot, so we’re going to skip that, and that he’s only taking the submissions through PM.

C: I believe the parrot would be pleased with that.

ST’L: I can’t see why.

C: Such characters clutter the review pages and make it impossible for criticism to go through.

ST’L: Ah, I see. And then, the author’s note ends.

C: Indeed. And I believe that means we are done here, no?

ST’L: First, we should get Herr to the infirmary. You know, just to make sure he’s still alive.

C: Unless he has an allergy to tranquilizers I did not know about, that would be likely.

ST’L: Sure. Just help me carry him. And not by the neck, either, I know how you Sith Lords are when you get to choke things.

C: You are no fun…

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34 Comments on “1360: Fire Emblem: ReAwaken: Chapter Seventeen”

  1. SC says:

    If there was one word to describe my current situation, it would be:

    OW.

    The Specs and Co., in summation.

  2. TacoMagic says:

    Turning his head back to Marco, he smirks.

    BAAAAAAA!

    *BZZZZZZZZZT*

    BaAaAaAaAaAaAaAaAaAa

    *Whump*

    Welp, I guess Crunchy finally has that excuse to get himself a crane.

  3. SC says:

    Hm… Debatable. Given how high these characters jump in fighting animations on a regular basis while strapped in crazy armor, I imagine it operates on at least anime physics, but I don’t know for certain.

    I made a joke at one point that Mercenaries, especially, are basically just fleas because they go fucking Rocket Man at the first excuse just to dunk on you.

    Attacking you? That’ll be a ten-foot jump.

    Dodging? That’s a ten-foot jump and an additional ten-foot back handspring.

    It’s not just Mercenaries that are guilty of it, though, and ironically, in this video showing just how damn bouncy all the protagonists can be, the one Mercenary you recruit in the game, Gregor, doesn’t demonstrate his class’ acrobatic nature at all.

  4. SC says:

    She can be recruited in one of the paralogues, though. That rather takes the edge off of her evil, do you not think?

    Eh… Not really. Yeah, she has a pretty sad tale about how she was actually just being manipulated by Validar, but she doesn’t ever really stop being a wicked, snobby bitch after the fact. In fact, if you can stomach at least three conversations between her and Robin (who is the only character she can support with because everybody else hates her guts, and for good reason), Male Robin is mocked incessantly about being her “little brother,” because she was raised by Robin’s father, and Female Robin’s position as the Shepherds’ Tactician is challenged to the point that it almost comes to blows between the two women until they’re forced to work together because they get caught by Risen.

    The fandom tends to argue that Male Robin has the creepier supports with her, because… you know… Male Robin, so he can marry literally any girl. ANY. Including his technically-stepsister Aversa.

    Although, this could just be me being biased due to my extreme dislike of characters who openly display their sadism, like Aversa.

  5. batjamags says:

    So Daven and the others fought of an undescribed “it”, and it was so horrible that it’s not even describable. I know that Fire Emblem is in the business of creating epic monsters to kill as a final boss, but when did they take inspiration from H.P. Lovecraft?

    C: I thought everyone was in the business of making Lovecraftian abominations these days!

    Not Nintendo, no.

    I, however, am.

    We’re having a sale on tentacle abominations, 20% off, and we’ve got a GREAT deal on humanoid monstrosities. Buy two, get one Tome of Things Man was not Meant to Know (TM) ABSOLUTELY FREE!

    BatJamagsCo is not liable for madness, mutation, or death caused by exposure to Lovecraftian abominations. Tome of Things Man was not Meant to Know is a trademark of the BatJamags Corporation. If you sue us or steal our stuff, we will portal you into the Dimension of Madness. The Dimension of Madness is also a trademark of the BatJamags Corporation.

  6. TacoMagic says:

    By the time you took a step across this room, I could have every single one of your fingers and toes in the palm of my hand.

    That’s an oddly specific yet highly effective superpower to have. The Awesome McEvil is indeed strong with this one.

    • SC says:

      Specs: I can do that, too!

      *Specs grabs SC’s fingers*

      …Let go, fucker.

      Specs: Nuh-uh.

    • batjamags says:

      Come to think of it, his palm would have to be pretty big for that to work, too. I mean, unless this guy’s got freakishly large hands. I wonder if he’s related to Monkey-Garrus from Subject 23?

  7. batjamags says:

    I just thought of a solution to your problem of Kale Stu having offspring.

    *Picks up phone*

    Hello? Hello? Is this Cyberdine Systems? I’m willing to trade you fifty fresh humanoid abominations in return for solving a little problem for me.

    *Click*

    Huh. Guess they don’t trade in Lovecraftian abominations.


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