1358: My Little Unicorn: Magic is Believing (That still means nothing) Chapter 13

Title: My Little Unicorn:  Magic Is Believing
Author: Dakari-King Mykan
Media: Cartoon
Topic: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL:  Chapter 13
Critiqued by Erttheking

Shepard:  Ok, what’s on the agenda for today?

Ert: Another chapter of My Little fucking Unicorn.

Nora: Ert?

Ert: Oh you know what I meant.

Close Combination

Nora: I’m calling it quits if the plot of this chapter is that there’s a giant safe monster.

The Grand Ruler was now or days busy calculating just which dimensions housed the remaining three rainbow stones. After all… a-thousand years was a long time, and anything could’ve had happened.

Ert: So not only did he throw them into a swirling vortex of different dimensions, it sounds like they could’ve been shifted from one dimension to another. Reading this makes me really wonder whether the Grand Ruler ever wanted to get these rainbow stones back.

Nora: I’m getting the feeling that your theory about the Grand Ruler is more and more right every chapter. There’s a good chance that the second Lightning goes into that void that the Grand Ruler is going to start taking bets on how long it’ll be before he croaks.

So many questions pondered the unicorns’ minds about the stones,

Shepard: I imagine they’re mainly about why the process of getting them is proving to be so obtuse and unnecessary.

but there no point in researching as there were no records or information regarding them, as Grand Ruler had wanted to so evil ones would never guess of their existence.

Ert: Nice plan there GR. Big Brother would be proud. Come to think of it, he did strike Titan from the history books too? Oh geez.

All they could do was wait, and wonder.

Shepard: They could be training, equipping themselves, doing research on the magic that Titan’s minions are now using, tracking down Titan’s minions before they could master their new powers and take them out prematurely, look up information on the dimensions that they might be going to, fortify the town against a possible attack, see if they can find any new types of magic to augment their skills, find new allies, and about a hundred other things.

Nora: No Shepard, you see, they don’t have the Grand Ruler’s permission to do any of that.

Lightning kept staring at himself in his mirror

Ert: He has a mirror?

Nora: On the wall.

but still couldn’t feel or notice anything new about him since the power of the first stone worked its magic.

“Take it easy, Lightning.” said Krysta “We’ll all know what’s changed about us soon enough.”

Shepard: The Grand Ruler isn’t telling him? Ok. There are two ways in which we can interpret this. Either the Grand Ruler created these all powerful artifacts and shot them into different dimensions without knowing what they actually do, or he’s intentionally withholding information from Lightning to make him squirm. Neither are outside of the realm of possibilities.

Nora: He’s got a point. We’ve got a lot of evidence saying that the Grand Ruler is intentionally dragging this conflict out as long as possible, but there’s no reason why he can’t be stupid on top of that.

Lightning sighed, but knew she was right. “Come on, let’s go. Answers or not, we still have jobs to do.”

Ert: So much for that, “All they could do was wait” bullcrap. Also you’re going into another dimension in three days. I THINK that’s something that could warrant a day off!

Nora: Makes me wonder exactly what type of country this place is. It’s an absolute monarchy but what’s it’s main economic system? Capitalism? Communism? Feudalism? Just wondering because it’d be interesting to see which one Mykan is championing. He’d probably point out the worst aspects of it without realizing.


Titans minions had taken their humiliation from the last battle rough,

Shepard: That’s not the only thing that’s rough. There’s so many grammar potholes in this fic that we could combine them and have a fifth great lake.

and had ever since been training hard to master their powers, but it would take time. “This is intolerable!” snapped Mysterious “Here we are… forced to stay while we could be avenging the fall of our master.”

Ert: Why do they want to avenge Titan again? I know that he created them, but at the same time there’s no real reason why they’re so loyal to him. Hell, he’s abused them in the past. They’re only doing this because the plot needs them to. And that’s one of the cornerstones of bad writing. In good writing a character does something because that’s what the character would do in the situation they were in, or logical circumstances force them down a certain path of action. Bad fic writers on the other hand?

Nora: “I want DIS to appen, so u guyz do DIS!”

“Isn’t there something we can do, maybe send a monster?” asked Rep-Stallion.

Shepard: The one that’s supposed to be dim is suggesting that they be proactive. I’m confused.

Ert: Mykan can’t even keep keep their one dimensional

“Ugh! Forget that!” snapped Dementia “Every monster we every sent ended up falling all over itself to those unicorns.” She pounded her makeup table hard which caused several jars of her mane-gel to fall off and spill on the floor. “Oh, no…!”

Nora: That make up table that just happened to be there. Spat out by the formless void.

Shepard: I guess making more than one monster is out of the question. An army of them could probably do the trick.

Ert: Nah, Mykan would just write some bullshit explanation for why Lightning could beat them all. And all their attacks would just cause light bruising anyway.

Shepard: Got me there.

Mysterious looked at the spilled gels on the floor and watched how they began to mix together into a big glob. His eyes and sinister grin widened. “Oh yes…!” he said and sniggered. He had an idea!

Nora: I’m already severely disappointed in whatever it is. Doesn’t help that these guys seem to get their ideas from looking at random objects. And not ONCE has any of their plans worked.

Lightning was spending some time at the training grounds and gym with Starla and Rhymey.

Shepard: Oh look, they’re actually training. I guess they decided to not show up for work. They’re fired.

Ert: Which is confusing since I think Rhymey is self employed. Starla too for that matter. I think. Fuck, nothing about what these people do for a living makes any sense.

Krysta enjoyed going through the obstacle courses. It helped her work on her speed and evasive movement.

Nora: There’s an obstacle course? Is it designed for fairies or is she just going around objects too bulky and spread out to pose any kind of challenge for her?

She always got the best of the others, because she was small and could pass the obstacles with ease, but she did get just as tired as the others too.

Nora: Yeah it’s the latter. Congratulations Krysta, you ran a course that posed no challenge to you whatsoever. And you still got exhausted from it. You officially couldn’t be more pathetic if you tried.

All four of them were out of breath and had a good workout, but Starla brought water for everyone.

“Oh, Hip-hurray…!
I feel as if I’ve worked all day.” panted Rhymey

Nora: So who here thinks they’ve only been exercising for five minutes?

Ert: Me. Rhymey is not the type of person who strikes me as doing anything physically exerting.

Starla giggled, “That’s why I brought this water out. Nothing like it after a hard workout…”

Shepard: You really should be drinking water before a workout, and depending on how long it goes, during. Water after helps too, but from the way they’ve worded it, this is the only time they’ve hydrated themselves since they began.

Krysta already dunked her face at her cup of water, a small cup to the others, but enough to fill a bathtub to her. “Sometimes… being small has its rewards.” she gloated. The others chuckled.

Nora: Yes, yes it does. I look forward to when this story actually starts exploring these advantages. So far, all we’ve seen is how utterly useless Krysta is.

Starla then got up and walked away from the others, Lightning watched splash some of the water at her face to cool down. “Ahh…!” she sighed as she shook her head making her mane flick about. “Wow…!” Lightning muttered as he felt lighter than air as he stared at her.

Ert: … Oh fuck me. Mykan’s writing romance.

Nora: I don’t have enough liquor for this. It’s going to be like a toddler rubbing two dolls together. Without the inherent innocence that would come with that.

Rhymey and Krysta noticed and could immediately tell Lightning had a thing for Starla, they even put on a little act to tease him.

Shepard: Not even being subtle about it. Just saying “Lightning, you have a thing for Starla now.”

Ert: Got a problem with that? Too bad. DANCE PUPPET DANCE!

“Oh Lightning… you are falling for me?” Krysta acted pretending to be Starla.

Rhymey scooped her up in a romantic pose.

Nora: NO! *Draws pistol* WE CAN’T LET HIM REPRODUCE!

Ert: Nora, you can’t just shoot him with a pistol like that!

Nora: Why not?

Ert: Because a sniper rifle would be much better!

Nora: FAIR POINT!

“Starla, my dear, I must confess,
I have feelings for you, no more, no less.”

Lightning felt annoyed. “Cut it out you guys.”

Shepard: And never let Rhymey anywhere near a fertile woman. In fact don’t let him anywhere near a woman in particular. I’d say the same thing about men, but then I remembered how heteronormative Mykan was. So we’re safe there.

The others giggled, “Come on, Lightning. We can tell.”

“Tell what?”

Nora: Duh. The narration said you like Starla. Your free will is irrelevant in this situation. The Grand Ruler/Mykan has ordered you to fuck and if you do not you will be banished and made into an unperson.

Ert: Developing relationships naturally and not shoehorning them in? WHAT’S THAT!

The others gave him the look of suspicion, and hinted at Starla, and recalled all the times Lightning turned weak in the knees whenever he saw or was near her…

Nora: What, you mean all zero of them? Because even in the chapters when Starla was a prominent character, Lightning didn’t react to her at all.

When he was at the Unicorn market shopping, Starla passed by and waved hello to him. Lighting was so distracted that he knocked over an entire stack of soup cans.

Another time when he helped her carry some books up to her tower above the library, and she thanked him sweetly… when he went back downstairs, he was so dazed that he walked right into one of the book-carts tipping it over with a loud crash.

Shepard: That’s it? This is a special kind of lazy. Mykan was too lazy to write Lightning and Starla developing a proper relationship over the course of *checks* thirteen chapters, counting this one. So he made up a list of events that never happened. And then he made the list only two entries long, and had

Ert: Which exposes the real problem here. Lightning does not love Starla. He wants to FUCK her. Which is ok. Barring asexuals, demi-sexuals (People who are only sexually aroused when they have an emotional connection to someone.) and people that in general have low sex drives, most people on the planet are physically attracted to people they find desirable. The important is recognizing the difference between true love and wanting to bang. Lots of emotionally immature people (Lightning and Mykan both) don’t seem to understand that subtle difference. Mykan probably doesn’t understand that the point of Romeo and Juliet is that they were two hormone driven teenagers

…and just now, the way he looked at her?

Nora: Yeah it’s right. JUST NOW. And never before then.

“Okay… so I guess… I kind of like her.” Lightning said “Just look at her. She’s so beautiful, and she’s kind, and smart, and she’s helped me out tones of time too- in and out of battle.”

Shepard: That could describe half of the cast, that’s how bland and uniform everyone is.

Ert: Gregory suggested that this was Mykan’s attempt to stamp out everything original about MLP FiM. While I can see where he’s coming from, I’m of the opinion that Mykan doesn’t have the upper brain capacity to pull something like that off. I just think this is him trying to be creative and original, and he just sucks that much at it. All of those times he says that flat characters are better or some crap like that, come off as more him trying to duck criticism and convince himself that his writing doesn’t blow ass.

“So… why don’t you ask her out on a play-date or something?” asked Krysta

Ert: … Is that what we’re calling sex now? Or is Mykan just coming out and admitting that his characters have the emotionally maturity of toddlers?

Lightning’s face went red, and he felt like steam shot through his ears “Oh… uh… I… what do you mean?” he asked nervously.

Shepard: Well … when two people are attracted to each other, they tend to express their feelings in certain ways. See, a lady’s vagina can be used to – oh I am not giving the talk to this overgrown child.

Rhymey explained…

“In Unicornicopia, it’s really okay…
For us to feel about someone in a nice way

Ert: Why is it I get the feeling that Lighting has been standing at attention this entire conversation now?

Sometimes we ask, we never wait
To see if that someone would come on a play-date.”

Nora: Look, just go to the shack out back and get it out of you

Lightning still didn’t feel sure. “I’m not sure Starla would have the time.”

Ert: Oh don’t worry about that. Knowing you, you’d only last three seconds anyway.

Nora: That’s low. True but low.

“Have the time for what…?” she asked as she came to sit down. Lightning was startled and almost leapt clear off the bench. He stuttered and stammered for a second, “I… I mean… won’t time to say goodbye… I have to go. See you all later! Bye!” and he dashed off quickly.

Ert: Lighting, CHANGE YOUR PANTS! And he’s shy now. I guess. The guy who always charged in without thinking is shy. That makes sense.

Starla blinked once and was most confused. “Is he okay…” she asked Krysta and Rhymey. They just hesitated. “What’s going on…?” Starla asked.

Nora: You’re being strangled by the red string of fate. Shamefully, not in a garrote wire way.

A few blocks away, Lightning was just pressing his head against a pole and feeling very stupid.

Ert: I think he might’ve been going a few hundred miles per hour to get a few blocks away in a blink of an eye like that.

He felt as if he just acted like a complete idiot and probably should’ve just asked Starla n that play date right then and there. “Oh! How can I face her again…?” he groaned to himself.

Nora: Your relationship must’ve been really fragile if running off was enough to sink it. Or are we just going through the list of cliches that bad romance has nowadays? Ok, your next step is to have one person be abusive and romanticize it.

He pulled himself together and turned to go on his way, and there was Starla”…Lightning?”

“Ah…!” Lightning almost jumped into the sky again “I mean… Hi.” he stammered.

Shepard: Jumped into the sky? Again? I’m assuming that Mykan means around the point of elevation where clouds are, as technically jumping an inch is jumping “into the sky.” And if that’s the case, when was the first time he did this?

Starla giggled nervously, and then she asked. “Do you think you’d want to… if you’re not busy… go on a play-date with me?”

Nora: You’re gonna need this. *Tosses a box of condoms*

Lightning felt so strange he couldn’t describe it, and he stammered worse than ever, but managed to say. “Yeah… sure… I’d love to.”

Ert: Worse than ever? You stammer around the same level as everyone else does in this story. Because Mykan is using ellipses more than he is commas.

Starla smiled and the two of them agreed to meet in the afternoon, and then she ran off. As for Lightning, he just stood where he was completely still for a moment, and then… he leapt way up, as high as his wings could take him in one jump crying “YAHOO…!”

Ert: I’M GONNA GET LAID!

Krysta and Rhymey watched the whole thing from the shrubs and snickered cheekily.

Shepard: You know, the whole bit with Lightning running away is just making me confused as to how everyone can move so fast and where everyone is positioned.

That afternoon, Lightning went to the entrance of Pinkie Parks, the kingdom’s amusement park and fun-land.

Nora: The only way this could be more rated G is if Pee-Wee was here.

A lot of it was colored pink,

but the rest of the area round the land seemed pretty normal.

Ert: Normal by the standards of Mykan’s badly damaged logic.

Starla came along almost directly after Lightning did.

“Lightning…”

“Hey, you made it.” he said to her.

“Sure did…” Starla answered.

Shepard: This is padding dialogue. It serves no purpose other than to waste time until Mykan comes up with something of value. We may be here for some time.

They soon found they were staring into each other’s eyes, and turned away giggling. Then they went into the park together under the watchful eyes of Rhymey and Krysta.

Ert: When did Krysta and Rhymey turn into stalkers? Or is Rhymey some kind of sexual predator?

Nora: One way to get rid of him.

Shepard: Why are they giggling if they’re embarrassed? Mykan really is cramming in as many “romantic” cliches as he can without any method to it.

“I don’t think this is very polite.
Spying on our friends just doesn’t seem right.” said Rhymey.

Ert: You didn’t have any problems with it last night you hypocritical fuck.

“We’re not spying…” said Krysta “We’re making sure they’re having fun. Look at them.”

Nora: We’re not spying, we’re just following them without their knowledge.

They watched as Lightning and Starla went on the rides, played some games, even got some snacks form the concession-stands. They seemed to be both having a greater time than anyone realized. They even seemed to warming up more to each other.

“Oh, I see now, and I agree,
Our friends are getting along so nicely.” said Rhymey.

Ert: Ugh. This pretentious, self-absorbed assmunch.

Krysta nodded in agreement “That’s what being close friends is all about.” She said, and she began to sing…

Ert: And fuck off. Fuck right off. They had a milkshake, that’s the only important thing in that mess.

By sundown, Starla and Lightning had gone away from the theme-park and were sitting by a bonfire in the outer fields. “Wow! What a day.” sighed Lightning.

“Yeah…! I can’t remember the last time I had this much fun.” said Starla.

Nora: Ok, stop. We’re running out of ways to come up with sex jokes. There’s only so many ways we can point out that the story is loaded with unintentional innuendo.

“Thank you, Lightning.”

Lightning smiled, “Hey, you’re the one who asked me out.”

Starla smiled back at him.

Shepard: And the relationship is still coming off as hollow because Mykan essentially said, “They’re in love because I say that they are.” With all the fighting that they could’ve done they could have been developed into something more, but no.

The stars soon came out and they would have to be getting home soon, but they just didn’t seem to want to leave yet. This all felt so nice and soothing. “You know… you could’ve just asked me out today yourself.” Starla suddenly said “I would’ve said yes.”

Ert: What the freak does it even matter? Or is Mykan one of those people who is so stuck up with male pride that he thinks women should never approach men on issues like this?

Lightning blinked once, “Pardon…?” he asked “You knew I wanted to ask you out?”

“Mm-hmm…!”

Nora: The narration said so. But then I remember that this is a playdate and I get concerned. This world is already like 1984 in a few too many ways, what if it starts being like Brave New World too? Encouraging kids to have sex games and make it so that people never truly bond.

Shepard: Throw in the mindless mass consumption of shallow media and the book burnings of Fahrenheit 451, and we’ve got the trinity of dystopian science fiction books in this story.

Lightning felt embarrassed again, but then asked, “How did you know that in the first pla-” then he suddenly got the idea, and Starla nodded which confirmed it. “Rhymey…! Krysta…! You can come out now.”

Shepard: I guess they’re awful at being inconspicuous. Most likely because Rhymey can never be quiet.

The two came our form the shrubs.

“Forgive us, Lightning. Please do…
We only did it to help you.” confessed Rhymey.

Nora: Yeah, watching him from the shadows did a lot to help him. I’m sure the bugs you planted in his room were just to help him too.

“Besides… you didn’t say not to tell her.” added Krysta.

Ert: Double negatives. Krysta, go stand in the corner and come out when you’re ready to speak properly.

Lightning couldn’t really hold it against them. “Thanks, you guys. I appreciate it.”

Rhymey and Krysta smiled, but suddenly…

BOOM! Titan’s minions appeared in their regular forms. “Great! Just what I needed.” grumbled Lightning.

Ert: YAAAAAAAAAY! They interrupted one of the most bland romances I have ever read.

Nora: I wonder how humiliating and underwhelming their defeat will be this time.

“Sorry to spoil the moment…” hissed Mysterious “But we have a little plan of our own to dispatch.”

Shepard: How did he know about the moment when he got there?

“Prepare yourselves…!” snickered Rep-Stallion. He licked his scythe once

Nora: Damn it Rep, your tongue just healed from the last time.

“You’re about to deal with one of the fiercest types of monsters we’ve ever dished out.” added Dementia.

Ert: So much for monsters being a no-go. Mykan must have forgotten what he wrote. In this very chapter. Again.

The others all stood together, and then watched as the minions each cast their monster-dusts on three objects… the tree… a rock… and a little bit of the bonfire. “What’s going on?” asked Starla.

Nora: I dunno. Let’s stand still with our jaws hanging open and make no attempt to stop them.

Shepard: THE rock and THE tree. As in the only ones in the area? And how do you sprinkle dust onto “a bit” of the bonfire. Fire can’t be carved up into sections.

“They’re combining the three forms together.” cried Krysta.

Ert: I know this because Mykan wanted someone to explain the obvious.

Sure enough, the monster appeared as fused form of rock, tree parts like roots and vines, and glowing hotspots in between. The minions could hardly decide what to even call it.

Nora: The wood parts of a tree and fire? Ok, if no one can see the obvious design flaws here then I’m just going to sit back and wait for the obvious to happen.

Ert: Also the thing that is part rock, part tree, part fire is described as being part tree, part rock, part fire. Really in-depth explanation there guys. And the powder can just fuse things together apparently. They never did this before because it wouldn’t be sporting. I guess.

“Come on, guys!” snapped Lightning “Let’s see what this bad boy can do.”

“Hmm, mm, mm, mm…! This should be interesting.” sniggered Dementia as she and the others watched from above. “Get them…!” all three shouted, and the monster began to stomp forward.

Shepard: Stomp forward? So it has legs. Something that was not established in the vapor that passed for this creature’s introduction.

Ert: “Walking mistake” seems like a good name for it.

“WARD SWORD…!” shouted Rhymey, and as soon as his weapon appeared he leapt over ready to strike the monster, but was punched aside. “Ow…! Wow…!” He wasn’t hurt too much,

Nora: Because Mykan has no balls.

(Attacks Do Nothing Counter: 3)

but that punch was very strong, and burning to the touch. His armor had a small dent and burn mark on it.

Ert: He gets punched by a giant rock/tree monster thing that ’s on fire and he “wasn’t hurt too much.” Tell me, how powerful does something need to be to cause actual damage in this story?

The others were shocked, but didn’t let it scare them. Starla went up next, “QUASAR BEAM…!” Her beam struck the monster hard in his its chest, but the monster didn’t so much as even flinch.

Ert: I don’t even know why Mykan gave all of these people special attacks. The only thing noteworthy about them is that they never work.

“It’s not working…!” cried Krysta “The three elements are making him too strong.”

Nora: Yeah sure, whatever you say. Stone and wood are elements, that makes sense. I guess stone could fall under the traditional category of “earth” but I’m not feeling particularly generous today. Mykan is trying to sound smart and he’s failing. And are you sure it’s because of the elements that this is happening? From what we’ve seen, it’s more likely your attacks don’t work because they never work!

The monster held out its arms and long strong vines shot out ensnaring Starla. “AA-AAH…!”

“Starla…!” cried Lightning. He angrily charged at the monster shouting, “Okay, you! Let her go right now!”

Ert: Do you really expect it to listen? Actually, considering your intelligence …

The monster glared at Lightning and stomped its foot, shaking the ground and causing Lightning to fall. “Whoa…! Ugh…! Okay, I didn’t see that coming.”

Shepard: That’s because you never think.

Krysta angrily flew forward and used her powers to pick up and throw smaller rocks,

Ert: Wait, WHAT!? Since when could she do this?

which were only small pebbles compared to the monster. All they did was make it angry. “Uh oh…!”

Nora: What did you THINK that this was going to do?

squeaked Krysta as she watched the monster draw in a huge breath, and he flew out of range just as it blew a bursting stream of flames. “Sure… it just has to breathe fire too!” Krysta grumbled.

Ert: It was made from fire, why are you surprised by this?

Nora: Fire = fire. A ground-breaking revelation, I know.

Starla was still bound in the monsters vines and the more Starla struggled to break free the tighter the grip felt. “I can… hardly… breathe!” she groaned.

Shepard: But she can still breathe so there’s no real drama here. No one is surprised.

Rhymey dashed over and tried to slash the vines with his sword, but they were as strong as rocks, and his beautiful sword was badly dented.

Ert: Also his sword is beautiful. Did we ever mention that before? Who cares, it’s pretty and it doesn’t represent his penis at all.

“Ah…! My sword’s dent,
It’s badly bent!”

Nora: You keep butchering grammar in order to make your stupid gimmick work. Ignore that no one asked for it and even less people enjoy it.

Nevertheless, he continued to try and free Starla by pulling on the vines with his own strength, but they were just as strong as ever, and even sizzling to the touch.

Shepard: They would combust if they were, but Mykan doesn’t care about logic in the slightest.

Lightning tried to charge the monsters again, only to have it stomp its foot and knock him down again. Then it tried to roast him with its flames, but Lightning rolled out of the way. “This is nuts!” he growled, then he too was ensnared by vines from the monster’s other arm. “And this is getting bad…!” he cried.

Ert: Wait it has arms? Are a bunch of vines forming an arm? Or does Mykan not understand that an arm is supposed to be singular?

“No…! Lightning!” cried Krysta. Now only and Rhymey were still free,

Nora: I remember when they introduced only. He added a lot to the story.

but left with hardly any options. Rhymey couldn’t break the vines, and Krysta didn’t stand a chance from the start.

Shepard: There really is no point for her being in this story. Mykan just insists on it because he hates MLP but copies it at every corner.

Starla couldn’t last much longer, and Lightning was starting to feel the burn. “It can’t… end like this!” he growled.

Ert: End? Oh, what is it going to do to “end” you? This story can’t even say the word die, do you really think you’ve got anyone worried?

The minions were laughing with glee. “I can’t believe it…! We’re really going to do It.” cried Rep-Stallion.

“I guess we won’t need to master our new knightly powers after all.” added Dementia.

Nora: Oh for fuck’s sake, why don’t you just say “I sure hope nothing thwarts our plan at the last second forcing this story to be painfully dragged out for a total of twenty-six chapters when we can finally break free of the status quo.”

Mysterious, however, knew that it wasn’t over until it was really over, but he was certainly as confident as the others “Sorry, my friends, but your time has run out!” he hissed and then laughed maliciously.

Ert: Yes, I will continue to boast before my victory is fully secured, because this worked out so well EVERY LAST OTHER FUCKING TIME I DID IT!

“Ugh…Uhn…! No…!” shouted Lightning. He tried and tried with all his might but it seemed as if he couldn’t’ break free. Still he kept trying. The heat felt so intense it was burning through his armor.

Shepard: Heat does not “burn through armor” you just feel it anyway. Unless fire is burning through his armor, in which case he’s already dead.

Starla and Rhymey continued to struggle too, and Krysta was still not willing to give up, even though she didn’t stand too much of a chance. The monster had them all in its sights and drew in a huge breath for a great big fiery breath. “No!” cried Starla “He’s… going to… roast us alive!”

Nora: Of course he is. *Pats Starla on the head* You’re in a big kid’s show. Not a puny little kids show like MLP.

“I won’t give in…!
I know we can win!” shouted Rhymey

Ert: *Sigh* How I wish that he was being consumed by fire.

“We can do this…!” cried Krstya.

“Yes…!” Lightning said deeply, “WE CAN…!” that’s when he began to feel the burn, but not from the monster’s grip, but form within his own body. Starla felt it too, so did Rhymey, and Krysta.

Shepard: This is becoming routine. The story tries to make us fear for the lives of the characters, and at the last second Lightning remembers that he can pull out nonsensical powers whenever he feels like it. He just waits for the last second because he always forgets. Also when did Rhymey and Krysta get caught? We went back and checked, we can’t find it. Maybe we missed it because we’re trying to get through this crap.

The minions watch in confusion. “What’s taking so long?” snarled Dementia.

“What’s going on down there…?” growled Rep-Stallion.

Mysterious said nothing and stood there were a puzzled expression on his face.

Nora: So it turns out that a slow death wasn’t that smart of a move. They could have just popped Lightning’s head off, but no.

Lightning and Krysta struggled hard, and all of a sudden they burst through the vines using their
own brute-strength!

Ert: Krysta. Krysta. KRYSTA! The little fairy.

Rhymey, however, was still in the way as the monster blew his fiery breath, but Rhymey held up his dented sword and it actually absorbed the fire, and like magic, the sword was all fixed, and seemed stronger than ever.

“Wha…? Huh…?”

Shepard: It seems that the powers of the Rainbow Stone are “magically fix everything in this situation, no matter how contextual.”

The gang were puzzled, but had never felt anything like it. They suddenly felt so much stronger, and realized. “It’s the rainbow stone!” cried Lightning “I guess it finally kicked in.”

Nora: It has amazing dramatic timing! Oh wait, did I say amazing dramatic timing? I mean five more seconds and we would’ve all been dead.

Ert: And it turns out they were never in danger to begin with. Look ma! No tension! No Gary Stu counter for Lightning, seeing as how multiple people are getting this BS power.

“I’ve never felt anything like it…” said Starla.

“This is incredible…!” Krysta said “I feel like I could move a whole tree.”

Ert: That sentence couldn’t have sounded any more awkward if you tried, and I’m pretty sure that Mykan is trying.

Rhymey gripped his sword tightly…

“Our magic feels so strong and new,
Now let’s see what they can do!”

Shepard: Your powers seem to be absorption and instant repair. But I have my doubts about the story being able to be consistent with that.

The monster seemed furious,

Ert: FUCK YOU!

(Seemingly Counter: 4)

and began to stomp towards the gang.

It was about to stomp its huge feet to make the ground shake. But the unicorns leapt up high at the last moment to avoid the tremors.

Nora: So they’re showing off their new powers…by jumping up to avoid a tremor. That’s not a superpower, that’s called common sense. I understand it’s foreign to you, but people use it all the time.

Rhymey then, with fast speed,

Shepard: Is there any other kind?

Goeth: Where do you want the DRD corpses?

shot straight at the monster and his sword began to glow. “THRASH… SLASH…!”

Ert: I hate you and I hope you die.

With his sword powered, he slashed at the monster shocking it with a powerful force from the magic in the blade.

Nora: He shocked it. A being made out of rock and wood, neither of which conduct electricity very well.

Starla hovered over the monster’s head and added to the force with her own new attack, “PULSAR LASER…!” Two beams fire form her eyes,

Ert: This is how we invite Addicted Reader back huh? With this drek?

blasting the monster in Krysta’s direction.

She just held her arms and hands out in front, and WHAMM! The monster slammed right into one her new abilities to create energy force fields,

Shepard: I hope Mykan isn’t too pleased with himself. It took him half of the story to make Krysta not completely worthless.

which only lasted an instant, but just right for the perfect defense, and deflecting on coming attacks. “Wow…!” Krysta cried “Did you see that…?”

Shepard: Yet it only took him half a second to flush it all away. It’s purely defensive and

Nora: Wait a freaking minute! Starla didn’t know that she could do that. She nearly freaking killed Krysta! And what would she have done if Krysta was off by a fraction of a second?

Ert: Bleh. This whole thing just shows how inconsistent Mykan’s writing is. He made a big deal out of it taking time to get used to new types of magic, but everyone is doing just fine with their new abilities here. Because he got bored.

Everyone was very proud of her,

Shepard: Well that sounds condescending.

Nora: Fitting.

now it was Lightning’s turn as he dashed along the ground and rammed right into the monster actually knocking it backwards, while he himself felt hardly anything at all.

The minions were outraged, even Mysterious was. “I don’t understand…?” he muttered “How is it their strength suddenly increased?”

Ert: Is it the magical power of bullshit? It’s the magical power of bullshit isn’t it? CURSE YOU BULLSHIT!

All he and the others could do was watch as Lightning summoned the rainbow rod, recite the chant, and fire the “RAINBOW FORCE…!” The rainbow hadn’t received any new properties, and didn’t require any as it still destroyed the evil magic within the monsters, causing it to vanish.

Shepard: I suppose hitting something really hard qualifies as exposing its weakness. And why would it have changed? It’s completely separate from you.

“Did you see that…?” snarled Dementia.

Nora: No, I was looking the other way.

“I… I don’t believe it! They actually did it!” growled Rep-Stallion.

That’s when Lightning looked up at them, “Whose next…?” He snarled at them while posing his rainbow rod for another attack.

Ert: Posing, huh? Ok, now give me happy. Ok, now give me sexy.

The minions decided to retreat, but Mysterious warned him, “Consider yourselves fortunate, but this was merely a small sample of what lies ahead for all of you. Until next time…!” then he and the others vanished.

“Try all you like.” sneered Lightning “You’ll defeat the magic of believing.”

Ert: They will? THEY WILL!? No kidding? EVERYONE! PARTY TIME!

Nora: Why is the “Good guy” sneering? I thought that was a bad guy thing.

Shepard: I’m just trying to figure out why Lightning stood there and did nothing. Oh right, he’s stupid.

Once back at Titan’s castle, Mysterious decided that they would still train to master their knight powers. “Hey… who made you in charge?” asked Rep-Stallion.

Ert: This is something that’s only now coming up? Have they been operating on a democratic system before now?

Mysterious glared at him annoyingly

Nora: So the glare was annoying because Mykan doesn’t know how to organize his sentences. Gotcha.

“I am merely suggesting what our best plan of action is.” he said “Once again, our enemies have outwit us.

Shepard: Considering the education you clearly do not posses, this isn’t a surprise. Even then, there was no clever planning on their part. Just dumb luck.

We must learn the secret of how there were able to beat us this time, and hopefully use it to our own advantage.”

Ert: Titan tried to do that with the Uniforce, look how that worked out for him.

Dementia agreed, but she couldn’t help but feel Mysterious was acting just as Titan would.

Ert: Pointing out the stupid parts of your story doesn’t make them less stupid.

She and the others pretty much missed him, and swore they would avenge him soon. So long as they existed, the unicorns would never know peace.

Nora: Considering that they could pretty much take you out if they didn’t just stand around when your monster inevitably dies, that’s not saying much.

It was already late at night, and the others decided to head home. Lightning offered to walk Starla back, and she accepted. Rhymey and Krysta followed because they had to head in the same direction the library observatory.

Shepard: No they didn’t. After all the stalking they did in this chapter, I know for a fact that they do not.

With the exception of the battle, Starla had a great time, and so did Lightning.

Ert: It was so shallow we had to spell it out for you. I mean most of it was a song we stole from someone else.

“Starla…?”

“Hmm…?”

Lightning stuttered and stammered a bit again, but he managed to ask “Do you think you might want to… you know… go out again sometime… for another play-date?”

Nora: Bow chicka wow-wow.

Starla blinked once, and smile. “Sure.” She simply said “I’d love to… but only if we don’t have to fight another monster.

Shepard: Well she’s in for a long life of disappointment, because every time these people try to do something of importance, a monster shows up. That or the minions do it personally. It’s like Fire Emblem. It’s not a shock that an enemy army shows always up where you were heading, large scale combat is the only form of gameplay the series has.

Goodnight.” and she pecked him on the cheek before heading inside to return to her tower. Lightning just stood there with red cheeks. Krysta and Rhymey giggled, and Rhymey even teased him…

“Lightning and Starla sitting in a tree…
K-I-S-S-I-N-G…!”

Ert: You’re stretching it. You’re fucking stretching it you little pissant!

Krysta even joined in the teasing. “Lightning’s got a mare-friend! Lightning’s got a mare-friend…!”

Nora: Ok kids, off to bed. You’ve got a big day at kindergarten tomorrow.

Lightning just ignored them. So much had happened that day. He had good workout, went on a play-date with Starla, but most importantly, the rainbow stone was starting to work its magic, and just in time because the minions were getting stronger too.

Ert: Yeah imagine that. If you had escalated it first you might have been able to end this prematurely, but this story needs to last twenty-six chapters. I’m not kidding, Mykan has this weird obsession with making his “seasons” twenty-six chapters long. It’s cute really. He thinks he’s people.

Whatever sinister plots those baddies were conjuring and the real mystery to the remaining rainbow stones would all come within time. For now he would just remain on alert.

Shepard: In other words he’s going to keep doing what he was always doing, and only react well after the minions launch an attack.

(In Grand Ruler’s palace)

Grand Ruler: “Have you ever felt like Lightning felt today…? Shy, or at a loss of words, or unable to determine what to do next?

Ert: Yes, and the most important thing I learned was to not take asinine advice from people who don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about.

Almost everyone feels that way from time to time. Even the bravest creature experiences fear or confusion.”

“Sometimes it isn’t best to face these problems by yourself. In most cases you should talk to someone you look up to.

Nora: You know, to all of the three year olds out there who are reading this.

Someone that you trust about what confuses you or makes you shy then they can try and help you just like how Rhymey and Krysta helped Lightning today,

Shepard: I fail to see how they really helped. They pointed out the obvious and he didn’t go to them. How can this story stumble on the most basic of moral lessons?

but it’s never a good to be nosey either and intrude on other people’s affairs and issues without asking them or understanding what the situation is.”

Ert: Which is exactly what Rhymey and Krysta did. So fuck you Mykan.

“Just remember… it’s all right to feel shy sometimes but don’t let it rule you, and someday maybe you’ll overcome it.”

Ert: Only maybe. Otherwise you might be like Mykan and be shy at the thought of getting a life.

Nora: Am I the only one who wants to take next week off form this crap?

Shepard: No, I’m with you on that one.

Ert: I’ll look around for a one shot, preferably in a series we haven’t covered yet. We’re back to the old grind if I can’t find anything. Until next week.

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36 Comments on “1358: My Little Unicorn: Magic is Believing (That still means nothing) Chapter 13”

  1. Delta XIII says:

    Ert: Nora you can’t just shoot him with a pistol like that!

    Nora: Why not?

    Ert: Because a sniper rifle would be much better!

    True, but I find that a knife is far more satisfying in these situations.
    It’s even better when the blade is ever so slightly blunt. It forces you to put in more effort and really savour the moment.

  2. Delta XIII says:

    Rhymey then, with fast speed,

    Shepard: Is there any other kind?

    Goeth: Where do you want the DRD corpses?

    Ooh, mind if I borrow a few of those? I’m doing a psychokinetic experiment soon, and I need some organic matter to test with.

  3. AdmiralSakai says:

    Lightning kept staring at himself in his mirror

    Ert: He has a mirror?

    Nora: On the wall.

    And he’s the dumbest of them all.

  4. AdmiralSakai says:

    Nora: NO! *Draws pistol* WE CAN’T LET HIM REPRODUCE!

    Ert: Nora you can’t just shoot him with a pistol like that!

    Nora: Why not?

    Ert: Because a sniper rifle would be much better!

    Nora: FAIR POINT!

    What’s wrong with a minigun?

  5. AdmiralSakai says:

    and she’s helped me out tones of time too

    When did this ‘fic become a Zelda crossover?

  6. AdmiralSakai says:

    “In Unicornicopia, it’s really okay…
    For us to feel about someone in a nice way

    *gags*

  7. AdmiralSakai says:

    A few blocks away, Lightning was just pressing his head against a pole and feeling very stupid.

    Hurray, another pole!

    Seriously, why are there so many scattered around the kingdom?

  8. AdmiralSakai says:

    “We’re not spying…” said Krysta “We’re making sure they’re having fun.

    … ew.

  9. AdmiralSakai says:

    three objects… the tree… a rock… and a little bit of the bonfire. “What’s going on?” asked Starla.

  10. AdmiralSakai says:

    The monster held out its arms and long strong vines shot out ensnaring Starla. “AA-AAH…!”

    I… don’t think that ensnaring is all those vines are doing.

  11. AdmiralSakai says:

    Nevertheless, he continued to try and free Starla by pulling on the vines with his own strength, but they were just as strong as ever, and even sizzling to the touch.

    Shepard: They would combust if they were, but Mykan doesn’t care about logic in the slightest.

    Also, Starla is wrapped in them. Vines are mostly water, so it’s literally like they dumped her in a boiling pot.

  12. AdmiralSakai says:

    “We can do this…!” cried Krstya.

    “Yes…!” Lightning said deeply, “WE CAN…!”

    “The power of OBAMA protects us!”

  13. AdmiralSakai says:

    Rhymey gripped his sword tightly…

    “Our magic feels so strong and new,
    Now let’s see what they can do!”

    I hate to tell you this, Rhymey, but that right there is not your magic.

  14. AdmiralSakai says:

    “PULSAR LASER…!” Two beams fire form her eyes,

    Mykan…

    Let’s talk through this a moment.

    Pulsars are, simplifying intensely, rotating spheroids that continuously expel intense beams of energy from opposite sides. From a fixed vantage point like Earth, this causes them to appear to flash as the beams sweep past the viewer (hence the name pulsar). Think of it like a lighthouse lamp.

    Having two continuous beams point in the same direction is exactly the opposite of what a pulsar-themed attack should do.

    Although I quite like the idea of Starla suddenly spinning around in the air, shooting one high-intensity particle beam out of her mouth and one out of her ass.

  15. AdmiralSakai says:

    Ok, now give me sexy.

    Actually, on second thought, please don’t.

  16. AdmiralSakai says:

    Dementia agreed, but she couldn’t help but feel Mysterious was acting just as Titan would.

    And… how is that a problem exactly? If he’s showing all of the strategic ability that Dear Leader did (which admittedly is not much, but she has no way of knowing that) that seems like all the more reason to look up to him.

  17. leobracer says:

    You know, if Dakari King Mykan ever found out of this place, he’ll write a fanfic dedicated to the destruction of the Library, just like how he had written chapters dedicated to bashing people who criticized his fanfics.

  18. TacoMagic says:

    Sometimes we ask, we never wait
    To see if that someone would come on a play-date.”

    *blink blink*

    One moment.

    *Snags his bottle of Scotch off the shelf and fills a tumbler*

    Okay, let the healing begin.

    *Tilts his head back and pours the scotch into his eyes*

    OH GODS! THE BURNING IS NEARLY AS BAD AS READING THE FIC!!!

  19. TacoMagic says:

    Everyone was very proud of her,

  20. TacoMagic says:

    Nora: Yeah sure, whatever you say. Stone and wood are elements, that makes sense.

    Well, they are in the world of Pokemon, which is even more evidence that all Mykan’s battle scenes are just less interesting rips of that.

  21. CrunchyRaptor says:

    Ert: Yes, I will continue to boast before my victory is fully secured, because this worked out so well EVERY LAST OTHER FUCKING TIME I DID IT!

    Not to mention it is quite unseemly. Being gracious in victory is as much about having high evil standards as it is having pride in your work. While I would never pass up an opportunity for a good maniacal laugh while hatching a plot, reveling in victory should be done privately with a few friends with whom you can celebrate over a few glasses of the hero’s blood.

  22. "Lyle" says:

    Nora: I remember when they introduced only. He added a lot to the story.

    More than any other character, anyway. He’s my favorite.

  23. "Lyle" says:

    that’s when he began to feel the burn


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