1357: Poison – Chapter Three

Title: Poison
Author: 221B-Tardis
Media: Books
Topic: Snow White / Fairy Tale
Genre: Fantasy / Adventure
URL:  Chapter Two
Critiqued by Addicted Reader

Welcome back, Patrons, to the next chapter of “Poison,” a Snow White-based fic full of failure and Witchy Sues.

In chapter 1, Arianna White, secret witch and queen of an unnamed place, killed her lover because she’s pregnant with his child and cast a spell to make her daughter look like we would expect Snow White to look.

In chapter 2, Snow White, now 17 years old, failed at being a witch, was told by a crow that she is in fact a witch because her mother was one, remembered seeing her mother die in childbirth, and stormed off while trees fell behind her.

Are you properly confused yet?  Good.  Let’s continue.

Chapter 3

“Aurora.” Arianna white moaned in disgust pacing in her chambers. Arianna hated the name, mainly because it wasn’t hers and she’d have to stick by it for the next 20 years. But keeping her own initials was the closest she was going to get. But more then her name she missed her old brown hair and the life she used to have.

So in case anyone’s having trouble understanding the author’s attempts to be subtle, Snow White’s stepmother “Aurora” is actually her mother Arianna.  Looks like Arianna didn’t die in childbirth, she just had to change her form, as the crow in the previous chapter mentioned that witches do every twenty years.  So instead of brunette, she’s now blonde.

But hold on a second – there’s something screwy with the timeline here.  How long has she been “Aurora”?  If she took that form/identity immediately after she “died,” she’s way closer to the end of the 20 years of that form than the beginning and her complaint makes no sense.  But if she’s just started being “Aurora,” where and who was she in between?

Why do I keep asking questions?

The only feeling more potent then nostalgia was frustration. Frustration that the king mistrusted her and was crazy with jealousy and made her stay in her chambers almost all hours of the day. Frustration about having to change everything about her personality so no one would link similarities about Aurora with Arianna. Frustration that the power the ‘love spell’ she had to cast on James white drained her powers even more each day. And Frustration about not being able to find a safe way to talk to her own daughter about whom she really is.

Don’t you think maybe his mistrust is reasonable, given that Arianna was taking lovers left and right?

If Arianna is believed to have died and “Aurora” looks different, why would anyone think to link the two?

Why –

There I go with questions again.  Never mind.

I’ll just say – of all places to use “whom,” it has to be so wrong?!?

Instead she avoided Snow in case that she would burst into tears or tie her into her embrace and tell her everything. Then Arianna’s identity would be in danger like Edmund caused it to be before and she was not going to let the same fate that struck Edmund get her daughter.

“tie her into her embrace”?  Umm … do what you want with your lovers, but that’s a little weird for a mother-daughter relationship.

“the same fate that struck Edmund” – you mean YOUR KNIFE?  Takes “if I tell you I’ll have to kill you” to a new extreme.  And talk about total lack of taking responsibility for her actions.

Desperate to distract herself Arianna wandered to her large enchanted mirror.

Taco, can you please share just one of those extra commas?  Pretty please??

“Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?” she chanted used to her routine. The shadowed ancient face appeared she stood impatiently for the same old ‘you, my queen are the fairest of them all.’ And then show some indifferent glance at the future.

What?  I get that this is the Classic Snow White Evil Queen Stepmother Routine, but I’m confused about the later part.

“My queen though you are fair, Snow white is the fairest of them all.”

Ok, also straight out of the original.  Nice that there’s some link other than the name of the character.

The queen’s face froze in shook and then an ear-to-ear smile spread across her oval face. Her eyes gleamed in happiness for her daughter. The mirrors face then twirled and swirled into an ominous haze, as it always did when showing the future. But this time it did not show a boring everyday event. It showed a group of around 20 large men and women, with dark caps and black overcoats holding glowing torches breaking the doors down to the castle. The men successfully entering ran up a spiral staircase bursting into the princesses chambers with Snow inside. They grabbed her, with Snow screaming and shouting a pointless plea for help. The mirror turned light and back into its reflective, glassy form.

Until I  got to this paragraph, I wasn’t sure if the author would stick to the classic jealousy, which would make much less sense given the relationship she’s established for SW and the Queen, or if she’d take it in this direction.  And I have to say, I’m impressed.  This little plot point here, taking the classic fairy tale and changing the angle, is one of the things that’s at the core of good fanfiction.

It can also be at the core of poorly-written fanfiction, though, as the rest of the paragraph chapter whole fic shows.

“NO!” Arianna screamed banging her fists onto the glass. “WHAT HAPPENED!” she cried again this time sinking down in defeat. Her body shook from violent sobs.

“I have to save her.” Arianna whispered with determination. “I have to save her.”

I would think it’s rather hard to whisper with determination while sobbing violently.  She should probably calm down first.

And that’s it for this chapter!  Still more exposition/build-up than action, but at least there was an interesting hint at the plot.  Tune in next time to see if the author successfully builds on that!

::falls down laughing at the thought that anyone would think that that could happen::

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8 Comments on “1357: Poison – Chapter Three”

  1. GhostCat says:

    “NO!” Arianna screamed banging her fists onto the glass. “WHAT HAPPENED!” she cried again this time sinking down in defeat. Her body shook from violent sobs.

    …It’s a magic mirror. Can’t it show her what happens? Is she restricted to just one random scene of the future per day? And if it’s done nothing but show boring everyday events until now, what is it about Witchy Sue suddenly becoming the fairest that so drastically alters the timeline?

    • Addicted Reader says:

      The author needed to have *something* happen in this chapter.

      Also, artificial suspense for the next chapter.

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    tie her into her embrace

    Kinky!

  3. AdmiralSakai says:

    But this time it did not show a boring everyday event. It showed a group of around 20 large men and women

    , with dark caps and black overcoats holding glowing torches breaking the doors down to the castle. The men successfully entering ran up a spiral staircase bursting into the princesses chambers with Snow inside.

    What happened to the women, then? Is this one of those sexist staircases?

    • Cain: It’s not an impossibility. I mean, the Gemini-issued viewscreens of all sizes are very politically correct. If course, they’re also easily offended so they probably wouldn’t help with accusations of political correctness gone wrong.

      Screen: Having black signify cutting is still racist!

    • Addicted Reader says:

      The women stayed outside to stand guard? The women originally thought they were going to get a piece of the king and left the mob when they realized the men were after Snow White?

      In other words, I have no clue. But it can’t be bad writing, that would be too simple an explanation. : P

  4. TacoMagic says:

    Taco, can you please share just one of those extra commas? Pretty please??

    *Puts his arms protectively around his comma pile*

    Mine!

    *Markus walks into the room and gongs Taco over the head, laying him out*

    *He puts a “Free Commas!” sign up next to the pile then walks out*


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