1356: Garfield Effect: Galaxy Adventure – Chapter SixPosted: March 13, 2016
Cain: Welcome back! Last time, Goddess took over thanks to agig fucking up one of the servers, allowing Goddess’ techies to hack the Riff. Don’t ask how they hacked the Riff itself rather than the transmission; it involved Omnidimensional fuckery. As such, I’m here because he’s obviously not competent enough to Riff more than four chapters in a row.
Lieutenant Admiral agig: Hey!
Cain: It’s true.
Staff Colonel Diesel: In fact, you didn’t even go a full Riff and a half before Cain took over.
Cain: We shall now begin the Riff.
Garfield Effect: Galaxy Adventure Part 6
It was a sunfilled day on the Normany
”You’re on a ship, in space” Counter: 13
Cain: Does the author just have a sunlight fetish? I’m seriously wondering here.
when Garfield was helping Mordin Solus make science with rats for human goodness. Garfield mixed chemicals and poured them on rat turning it into a gerbil.
Hulk: How does that work?
Cain: They’re probably using PCC tech.
“Garfield you did it you made scientific discovery you are true science genius.” Said Mordin Solus with admiration.
“Yes I have phd in science. Now if only I can turn rats into lovely ladies for love makings.” Said Garfield with thought.
Everyone present: Ew.
“That is interesting theory Garfield. We should work on it for good of all.” Said Mordin Solus with agreement.
Diesel: He’s a Salarian. They’re a species of short-lived amphibians who are generally very abrasive, efficient, and quick-talking. They also have little to no libido. As such, there’s no reason for him to give a shit about that idea, even if it did make sense.
“Garfield this is EDI, Allusive man has someone new for you to be looking for.” Interrupted EDI with urgencies.
“Who is the one needing finding. ” Said Garfield as he looked thoughtfully into chemical bottle.
“It is Asari Samara the Justicar. She is on Omega looking for criminals to punish.” Said EDI.
Cain: I’m honestly surprised the fic went this long without Garfield recruiting her. For reference, this is Samara:
Diesel: Goddess once tried to recruit her into the Gemini Army. I can’t fathom why.
“Good that is the kind of woman I can be into.” Said Garfield with clever smile. “Time to head for Omega. Time for blast off!” Yelled Garfield to crew.
The Normany sped off to Omega with speed of roaring waterfall in the middle of quiet creeks.
agig: I swear, the Normandy moves slower every fucking chapter.
On arriving Garfield hopped out to examine surroundings and find Samara. When searching Garfield saw a rich person beating a hobo with his cane.
“Take this stupid hobo you do not have class like me.” Said rich person.
Cain: The rich are often prejudiced against the poor in my experience, but they don’t straight up beat the poor with canes while saying that the poor have no class.
Garfield saw the mistreatment and was bursting with outrage.
Self-Righteous Rapist Counter: 1
agig: We aren’t even going to bother going back, since this fuckbag does this shit so often it’d take hours.
“Learn respect for the hobos you million dollar fool!”
Cain: Learn respect for literally fucking anything besides Lasagna, Garfield. Stupid fucking hypocrite. I mean, sure, I’m a bit prejudiced against people of the twenty first century, but I’m trying to stop being prejudiced. You discriminate against women, non-Americans, food besides Lasagna, and just about fucking anything that isn’t you. Fuck you.
Roared Garfield as he broke the cane over the rich persons head.
agig: Oh, great. A character blob. Again.
“Thank you Garfield I am wise hobo filled with lore ask me your heart desires.” Said the hobo with wisdom.
Diesel: Great. The wise hobo. We really needed that cliché.
“I need to find asari Samara. It is of Galactic importance.” Said Garfield with importance.
Cain: I don’t think that’s his heart’s desire.
“I do not know where she is but Aria will
Cain: Great. Now he’s going to bang Aria. For those not in the know, she’s the leader of Omega and doesn’t seem the type to do casual sex, just based on how much you have to do just for a kiss in one of the DLCs for ME3.
she is Asari and knows where all Asari are. She is in club over there with the hot techno beats.” Said the hobo with dance rhythms.
Diesel: …He said it with dance rhythms?
“Looks like it’s time to party.” Said Garfield as he prepared to suit for club. Garfield put on his club tux and golden cufflinks and expensive watch given to him by Jon Arbuckle.
Diesel: Garfield’s owner, according to Wikipedia.
agig: What I want to know is why the fuck Garfield has that stuff. Was it put in the cryopod with him? What else did he have with him?
Cain: Lasagna, if he had his way.
He then put on his Gold Lasagna chain
X as Lasagna Counter: 1
Cain: Also not bothering to find every instance of this thing because of how often it happens.
and cool shades to top off party outfit. Garfield strutted in the club like the man, pushing dancers out of his way. He strutted up the counter to the bartender for information.
“Where is Aria?” Asked Garfield with attitude.
Cain: Monitor, I need five Lasagna-obsesses cats with attitude.
(With all due respect, fuck you. -Monitor)
agig: Why is our leader such a fucking nerd?
*agig is suddenly flying to a wall*
Cain: Nerd who can kick your ass.
Diesel: *Fans self*
Cain: Syl, why?
“I can not tell you that it is against the rules.” Said the bartender with defiance. In response Garfield grabbed the bartenders head and slammed it on the counter with force of concussions.
“WHERE IS ARIA.” Demanded Garfield again with volcanic fury.
“She is over there.” Said the bartender, pointing to Aria.
Cain: Wow. He really failed a spot check. If the bartender could point directly at Aria, then Garfield should’ve seen her easily.
“Thank you.” Said Garfield as he took the bartender and slid him down the counter sending him crashing into glasses.
Cain: Our hero, ladies and gentlemen.
After thanking the bartender Garfield waltzed up to Aria with macho attitude. Arias guards were too intimidated by Garfield’s manliness to stop him and cowered like small baby children.
“Aria give me the information I need to know where Samara is.” Demanded Garfield with glaring eyes.
“Alright Garfield I will tell you but there is something I want first.” Said Aria with hinting smile.
Cain: Called it.
“You are naughty woman, I like that.” Said Garfield with sass.
“You are the manliest man I ever saw in the Galaxy I must have your body.” Said Aria with seduction.
“Very well I will pleasure you then you must give me information.” Said Garfield with business.
“Yes please me all night long.” Said Aria as she tore Garfields shirt open and grabbed his manly chest. Aria then dragged Garfield to her couch where they made a love embrace bringing eachother sexual pleasure. Aria licked Garfield body all over while Garfield gave her ultimate lovings causing her to shout and scream in joy. “Give me your best shot!” Screamed Aria in daring way.
Diesel: This is coming dangerously close to breaking FF rules.
“Feel the maximal pleasure of Garfield power!” Yelled Garfield in return giving her lovings of highest quality.
“Garfield you are sending me to other galaxies!” screamed Aria with roaring love. After several hours of love making, Aria was finally exhausted and told Garfield the information. “Samara is in alleyways looking for criminal fiend.” Said Aria while laying next to Garfield massaging his feet.
Cain: I’d imagine that info is several hours late.
“Thanks chicky baby, next time I am in town I will stop by.” Said Garfield with relaxation as he sipped a cup of champagne. After finishing his breakfast in bed that Aria made him Garfield set out on quest to find Samara heading for alleyways. While exploring alleyways Garfield saw many people laying around for no reason not saying or doing anything.
“Why are you not saying or doing anything?” asked Garfield. They did not answer so Garfield continued on the quest. Garfield reached a dead end alleyway when he heard someone.
“Halt I have gun pointed at you!” Said a mysterious voice.
All: It’s Samara.
“You better put down arm or else I will take it off.” Said Garfield with fearless cool.
“Relax Garfield it is I Samara I have been watching you.” Said Samara with mystery.
“Samara you must join my group for galaxy adventure to stop collectors.” Responded Garfield with urgency.
Cain: The fact that the title drop had to be shoehorned in this much is another way to tell how shitty the fic is.
“Yes I will join you but first you must help me catch vile criminal.” Said Samara with calmness.
“I eat criminals like lasagna omelet for breakfast. Just tell me what to do.” Said Garfield with pride.
X as Lasagna Counter: 2
“We must be careful she is my daughter the Ardat Yakshi witch woman. Her name is Morinth and you must lure her out.” Responded Samara with ear in the eye.
“Daughter or no I will give her iron fisted justice.” Declared Garfield fist clenched with fiery fury.
Self-Righteous Rapist Counter: 2
“She is in the club VIP room. You must lure her out. Do not worry she will come to you she cannot resist your awesome manliness.” Stated Samara with fact.
agig: *Burst out laughing* The thought of her saying these things in her calm, focused voice is amazing.
“No problem she will know my justice, Garfield justice.”
Self-Righteous Rapist Counter: 3
Said Garfield as he headed to the club. When Garfield reached the VIP room there was a bouncer there preventing entrance for Garfield.
“This is VIP room where is your ticket only important people can come here.” Said Stupid bouncer with arrogance.
“Here is my ticket.” Said Garfield as he punched out the bouncer with one swing knocking him into unconsciousness. Garfield then made his entry with cool manly style. Garfield saw many people dancing with music so Garfield decided to join in. As Garfield danced many ladies began joining with him and dancing with him.
“You are best dancer in the club Garfield!” Said the ladies.
Diesel: So many character blobs.
“Oh you ladies are too kind but I am just amateur.” Said Garfield with flirting. After dancing Garfield was approached by a mysterious lady.
“I saw you dancing you are sexiest man in the room.” Said the lady with seduction.
“I speak language of dance like language of love.” Said Garfield with deep sexy voice.
“My name is Morinth lets go back to my place for some lovings.” Said Morinth with sexiness.
Cain: Garfield was then killed by having sex with what amounts to a succubus. No one mourned.
“That sounds like my kind of night.” Said Garfield with a wink and nod. Garfield followed Mornith back to her apartment for sweet lovings. In the apartment were many strange decorations. Morinth sat by Garfield and began stroking his hair in sexy manners.
“Garfield why do you not relax, I will make you mine and take you to worlds of galactic pleasure.” Said Morinth with evil seduction.
“No I think you are the one who is mine prepare for justice.” Said Garfield with cool style. Samara then crashed in and attacked Morinth and engaged in fighting. The fight was even match as they locked in struggles.
“Garfield you must help, take her out!” Shouted Samara.
“No kill her! I will join your team to fight collectors!” Yelled out Morinth in desperation. Garfield looked at both of them and smiled clever smile.
“There is only way to decide we must all make lovings, only then will I know.” Said Garfield with slyness.
Cain: And watch as Garfield’s Stufluence causes them to engage in incest with each other, which is something completely out of character for them.
“Ok.” Said Samara and Morinth as they stopped fighting and began to take their clothes off for love makings. Samara and Morinth both began stroking Garfield with sexy tenderness. They rubbed against him, rubbing their bodies on his while moaning in pleasure.
“Let’s see what you ladies can do.” Said Garfield with a smile. Samara and Morinth than began loving eachothers with sweet loving as Garfield watched with approval. All three then embraced for full force love makings shaking the room like earthquakes. Samara and Morinth than lay exhausted with pleasure.
“Garfield you are lover of cosmic power!” Said Morinth with satisfaction.
Cain: Ugh. Called it.
“Yes you are truly master of love.” Said Samara in agreement. Garfield nodded in agreement and then took out his desert eagle and shot Morinth.
“Garfield so you have decided I see.” Said Samara.
“I had decided before.” Said Garfield with a wink and nod.
“Oh Garfield you are truly clever and brave hero!” Samara whispered with admiration. After justice had been distributed Garfield and Samara returned to the Normany. Garfield went up the Captains cabin for thought when he heard someone enter.
agig: She’d actually probably be mad that he made her have sex with her daughter for no reason at all.
Diesel: She’d actually probably be dead.
“Hello Garfield I must thank you for help you are bravest hero in the Galaxy.” Said Samara with joy.
“No problem justice is what I do.” Said Garfield in matter of act way.
Self-Righteous Rapist Counter: 4
“I want to thank you by continuing what we started before.” Said Samara rubbing Garfield chest.
“I was holding back before because of duty. Let me now show you true lovings.” Whispered Garfield with romance. Garfield dimmed the lights and put on his favorite souls music. Garfield and Samara then embraced in sexual way and made lovings that rocked the ship like meteor showers.
To be continued…
Diesel: Well, I’m out. Gotta go do some Army Officer stuff. *Floats out*
agig: Stupid force.
Cain: Have to go administrate the Prime Colonials, since a Civilian leader hadn’t been appointed. *Disappears*
agig: Stupid Retcannon. *Walks out slowly, with his head hanging*