1355: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors – Chapter Eleven, Part FourPosted: March 12, 2016
Title: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors
Topic: Princess Mononoke
URL: Chapter 11
Critiqued by SC, Shades, Rika St. Claire and Lieutenant Sarah “Lou” Gregor
Hello, and welcome back to Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors, by Stone-Man85! I’m your host, SC, and last time, everybody had a nice, long groan over another terrible interaction between Alex and San. Thankfully, it was short.
After last week’s riff, I felt like it was rude of me to give Creed’s staff intro pictures and not have them riffing with me, so I decided to bring them in two at a time – Creed still needs folks in the office, you see. If nothing else, he’s on the ball where being an employer is concerned.
So this week, I have Lou and Rika with me!
*Lieutenant Sarah “Lou” Gregor sits quietly with her arms crossed; She commands an intimidating presence, perhaps because of her stoic, humorless expression, the fact that she’s built like a tank, and because she still dwarfs everybody in the room even while sitting down*
*Rika St. Claire, by contrast, is almost giddy with excitement, wide eyed, grinning from ear to ear, both knees bouncing rapidly; gently brushing her shoulder could set her off like a bomb*
Oh yeah, and I also have Shades with me. Because why not.
*Shades sits in calm silence, though, disturbingly, she is coated thickly in blood*
If you’re wondering what happened, Specs and Contacts were curious to see if Shades could use melee weapons as well as she could use guns.
…The answer turned out to be very yes!
Shades: Yeah brassiere, I gots the skills to pay the tax returns, my homie.
*SC, Rika and Lou all look at Shades in confusion*
Shades: What up, family? Why the face?
*A piece of paper magically floats into SC’s hand*
“Glasses told Shades that she gets too British during riffs, so Shades is trying to build her American slang vocabulary.” Oh. Oh dear God. Glasses is so gonna die for this.
Rika: I’ll help kill her.
Lou: Pretty sure Creed would order us to, if he were here listening to this.
*Shades exhales loudly*
Shades: Ah bugger it, I’m not doing this. I don’t even know why I listened to the bloody cat. I’m English, that’s not changing, fuck the haters. Besides, American slang sounds atrocious.
Well, it sounds worse when you say it wrong, just a protip for the future.
Shades: Mate, it’s not possible for me to care less than I already do.
Lou: There, now she sounds human.
Rika: We should still kill this Glasses character for inflicting that on everybody, though.
Oh, don’t even worry about that, Shades gets first punch.
Shades: “First punch.” Right. Because I’m totally going to use my bare hands to kill someone when I have instant access to an arsenal of guns greater in both numbers and raw power than any army on the planet.
Yeah, that was foolish of me.
Hey, let’s get to this riff, huh?
Rika: Why’s it so short?
Because when I take chunks to riff, I try and find a cliffhanger-y bit. That bit is where I choose to end the riff for that week. And this chapter has a lot of those points, very close together. So, my riffs, in turn, end up being incredibly short. With crappy chapters like this, it’s a godsend, because it means I only end up dealing with small bits of stupid at a time rather than the whole kit and kaboodle.
So, to the riff:
As the riflemen’s group proceeded down the dark alley, Alex jumped to his feet and caught one of the men by the arm, “Hey, wait a minute!” he said. “Just what do you plan to do, skin her?”
Lou: She’s attacking the town. She plans to kill their leader. If they weren’t out to kill her first, they’d be idiots.
Yeah, pretty much.
Rika: Kind of takes the wind out of their reply, doesn’t it? Lou answered the question better than they probably will.
I’m not too worried. He says about the same thing anyhow.
The man yanked his arm free of Alex’s grasp, “She’s our enemy, outlander,” he retorted dryly. “The sooner that wolf-whore’s dead, the better!”
Shades: Wow, that actually is pretty close.
Lou: I might not have said it quite like that, but yeah.
The dark-haired youth shook his head, “She’s just a girl, you bastards!” he said, his every word saturated with anger. “Okay, a crazy, wild, possibly rabid, out for blood, wanting to kill everything in sight girl, but what gives you the right to kill her?”
Rika: …Literally everything you just said? Possibly in that order? Is he really asking this question, right now?
Now you know how I feel when I see him do similarly stupid shit.
Lou: I take it Alex doesn’t do a lot of thinking before he speaks?
Shades: It’s funny that you assume he thinks, mate. Frankly, it’s a miracle of human evolution that Alex ever got past “goo-goo ga-ga.”
Psh. It’s a miracle of human evolution that Alex can even form a coherent sentence on a second grade level. With his lack of intelligence, he should be dribbling on his shirt and staring blankly at a wall.
Rika: So, in other words, expect more of this?
The man grunted, “Don’t let her womanly features corrupt your judgment, young sir,” he replied. “That wolf-whore’s as evil and wicked as any of hell’s creatures. You’d probably be better off sharing your bed with one of those rotting lepers Lady Eboshi has hidden away in that work shop of hers.”
Shades: Either way he goes, I’ll be happy to watch him die. This just in: leprosy tends to be fatal.
Lou: Just a little bit.
It’s only a small case of death, you can walk it off.
Shades: Please. Don’t let him have hope. The only joy I get from this fic is Alex’s suffering.
Alex stared blankly at the man for a few, short seconds. “Okay,” he said calmly, balling his right fist, “Now… I’m really pissed,” With that, he bunched his hand into a fist and belted the man across the face, sending him sprawling.
Lou: How dare you respond logically to being attacked by the psychotic murderous bitch that I have a stiffy for. Feel my wrath, foul miscreant.
The fact that she said that in a completely deadpan tone of voice with this flat, emotionless look on her face makes it funnier.
Rika: I like how she managed to use “foul miscreant” with a straight face.
Shades: Did we, by chance, happen to be coworkers in the PNJE, and I just didn’t notice it?
Lou: Never heard of them.
Rika: I’d rather not, those aren’t good for-
*Lou pops Rika on the head*
Shades: How about we leave the raunchy commentary to the cat, eh? It’s sort of her schtick. That and not being able to decide what age she is.
Oh by the way, Glasses got toddler’d again, could you-
Shades: Fuck. Off.
After rubbing the soreness out of his knuckles,
Shades: What a little tit. He decks a man in the face, then stops and coddles his hand like he broke it? And this is the character we’re supposed to be seeing as an Ichigo Kurosaki knockoff.
Lou: That would be the same Ichigo Kurosaki that, while still only human at the time, managed to break free of Shinigami restraining magic even despite being told that it was impossible for humans to do so, right?
Lou: Yeah, I don’t see the resemblance.
Rika: Alex is pretty weaksauce, to be honest.
You have no idea. When he’s not being an annoying cunt, he’s a limp noodle. And when his curse is active, he’s a limp noodle that someone dipped in barbecue sauce.
Shades: …You mean he’s sad and unimpressive, but has a bit more of a kick to him?
No, I mean I’m hungry and have weird munchies right now.
Shades: Oh for God’s sake, man. Go get a damn bagel from the coffee shop, what the hell’s wrong with you?
Rika: I have a Fruit Roll-U-
Rika: …I had a Fruit Roll-Up.
the young outlander darted up the slanted pieces of lumber as the wolf-girl had done so just moments earlier and with great difficulty, pulled himself onto the roof.
Lou: This kid wouldn’t last a day in the Order of the Holy Sacrifice.
Shades: Oooooh, that’s where you used to work?
Lou: Big “used to.” Creed recruited me ten days before news came in that the Order was shut down following investigations of gross misconduct within the senior ranks. Glad he did, else I’d probably be sitting in a prison cell with the rest of them under the assumption that I had a part in it. Turns out it wasn’t just the senior ranks, you see.
Rika: How many ranks was it?
Lou: …If I say something like, “turns out it wasn’t just the senior ranks,” Rika, you should assume that I mean it was all of them.
As he looked across the long sea of rooftops,
Rika: Oh come on, how many buildings could there possibly be in Irontown?
This fic seems to fluctuate between “many” and “shit bro, we only have one guest house.”
Lou: That sounds familiar. Remember that trap illusion where we were stuck in a village that constantly had buildings appearing and disappearing as we were going about finding a way out?
Rika: And each building was a portal to an even worse nightmare realm than the one previous. What’d we end up calling that illusion? Hell Town?
Lou: Sinner’s Lament. On account of the fact that a sinner would mistake the place for hell and beg for forgiveness after being driven insane by the nightmares.
Rika: Yeah, that’s the one.
Shades: Mate, that’s so metal.
Lou: Ironically, that trap illusion put me off of metal music.
Well that’s a damn shame.
Shades: See, Creed’s group gets to deal with all the cool paranormal stuff, all I ever had was breaking up mutant and demigod street brawls, busting archdemon drug smuggling operations and… *sigh* …mutant parasite monsters destroying Whitechapel. Bloody Whitechapel…
Rika: That- I- what?
Shades: Actually, now that I think about it, my job was pretty entertaining, all told. Right up until I got killed, at least. Kind of killed the fun.
Lou: And yet we’re the ones with the cool jobs? Lady, I wish I only ever had to deal with detective work and the occasional monster attack. My paycheck hinges on my boss and I walking through hell and back with our lives intact.
Rika: Well, that, and people being brave enough to submit a witness account of paranormal activity happening in the area for us to investigate. You’d be surprised how jumpy people get when they think they saw a ghost.
People get jumpy when they hear the Specs and Co. is in town, and that doesn’t surprise me because they’re psychopaths. Ghosts are often psychotic dead things. I think I get the timidness.
he saw that the girl he was pursuing had already reached the iron works and was in the process of making her way to the top of its gigantic roof.
The building is, like, 75% roof.
Lou: I’m pretty sure the rest of the building would collapse under that much roof.
Shades: Not if Bifocals built it.
No, then it would collapse under the lack of logic.
“Dammit!” he cursed under his breath, “That crazy girl’s gonna get herself killed!”
Shades: I’ve lost count of how many times that gets said around the house.
Well, if you fuckers could behave yourselves for one damn day, it would be said far less frequently.
Exhaling loudly, the young outlander began jumping from one house to another, moving as fast as his already tired legs would allow him.
Rika: Anybody else have an image in their head of Alex hopping roofs and just looking so done about it?
Actually, now I have an image in my head of Lou doing that, but looking super bored about it.
Rika: You know, you joke, but that’s actually how she gets.
Lou: You jump across one suburb’s worth of rooftops, you’ve jumped across all of them.
Iron Town’s Square
Rika: If I do the math right, does that mean there’s two Irontowns?
*Lou pops Rika on the head again*
Lady Eboshi stepped through the gates to her house and out into the pandemonium that was spreading through the streets of her Iron Town. Everyone was either shouting at one another, or waving around a weapon of some sort.
That’s not pandemonium, that’s a crowd of rabble-rabblers.
‘Just like hornets,‘ she thought to herself, shaking her head slowly. ‘Throw so much as a pebble at the nest and the entire swarm will go mad with fury.‘
Shit, you don’t even need to do THAT much. Hornets are little fuckers that hate all things living.
Rika: I kept a hornet in a jar as a pet once when I was seven. I made the air holes too big and it got out and tried to kill me.
*Lou pinches the bridge of her nose and sighs*
Shades: How’d you make it to twenty, again?
She looked towards a group of her riflemen who were receiving orders from Gonza.
“Gonza!” she called out.
The burly Guard Captain rushed towards her and bowed, “Milady!”
“What’s the current situation?”
Gonza grunted once and frowned, “The wolf-girl has managed to breach our walls, and elude our forces,” he said. “She’s making her way towards the iron works as we speak, Milady.”
*Gonza* “I think our decision to add ramparts to the wall was a waste of time, Milady, they did nothing!”
*Eboshi* “Well, shit.”
“What about the wolves?” Eboshi asked.
“The watchmen said that as soon as she was over the wall,” Gonza reported, “The two beasts retreated into the hills.”
The young Mistress of Iron Town looked at her loyal subordinate with an amused expression. “She’s alone then?”
“It appears that way,” Gonza answered quickly.
Shades: “I mean, unless there’s another wolf girl with a grudge against you we were never told about, which I sincerely hope there isn’t.”
His ego already ends up getting trashed by one, two would drive him to suicide.
“How very brave of her,” Eboshi retorted, smirking, “The girl is either very courageous or very suicidal.”
Lou: Swing in the ballpark of “stupid,” and you’ll score a hit.
“You know she means to take your life this time, Milady. You and Lady Yashahime.”
“Yashahime’s taking a nap at the moment.
What, did you fucking rock her to sleep with a lullaby and tuck get in all snug as a bug? Wake her ass up!
I’ll save the Wolf Girl for her,” the young woman laughed, “But not if these two take her life first.” She turned around and gestured towards the gates to her house. From the darkness emerged two women, each armed with one of the new, match-lock styled rifles. As soon as they reached Eboshi, they stopped and stood stiffly at attention.
If spy movies have taught me anything, busting out the lady brigade means you fucked up HARD.
Rika: So basically, if Creed ever orders Lou to kill someone, they really pissed him off?
Lou: But not quite enough for him to get his own hands dirty over it.
Shades: Sounding a bit bitter there, mate.
Lou: It takes a lot of patience to work with Creed sometimes.
Eboshi glanced silently at the two women and started off towards the iron works building. “This way,” she said. “Your vindication awaits you.”
Shades: I thought she said Vindictus.
No, that’s an MMORPG.
And that’ll wrap this week up! Thanks for reading, folks, and stay tuned for next time! We’ll have the boys from Creed’s office in here next week, probably have Simon back again too. Not sure how many more parts this chapter’s gonna have, but it’s probably not going to be one of my shorter ones. In the meantime, I’m SC, and on behalf of Shades, Lieutenant Sarah “Lou” Gregor and Rika St. Claire, I’ll see you next time!
…You and Creed both are about the only guest riffers I’ve had that didn’t even smile during the course of the entire riff. Are you two robots or something?
Lou: Work in the hunter industry long enough, your sense of humor just dies.
Rika: It can’t be completely dead, you were pretty funny when you said that one thing!
Shades: Only because she looked so bored saying it.
Lou: And yet, when I actually try and crack a joke, nobody gets it because I’m not laughing. How the hell does that work?