1354: Samurai Jack meets Batman Beyond – Chapters 11 & 12

Title: Samurai Jack meets Batman Beyond
Author: Jigsaw9856
Media: Cartoon
Topic: Samurai Jack/Batman Beyond
Genre: Adventure
URL: Chapter 11
URL: Chapter 12
Critiqued by Syl & Ghostie

Welcome, Patrons, to the very last installment of this fic!

:Syl tosses a small handful of confetti into the air:

“Woot.”

That’s it? I’d thought you’d be more enthusiastic about finishing this.

“Oh, so I’m not allowed to have an off day?” :crosses arms over chest: “I’m not your performing monkey, you know.”

…Oh-kay, then. Let’s focus on the fic, since we’re so close to the end.

:Syl snorts but remains quiet:

Awesome. Last time, Terry and Jack’s army was patiently waiting on a vast plain for Aku to attack them, and then there was some senseless fighting that managed to perfectly match opponents so that the “good” guys would be triumphant. And, just as Syl predicted, Aku’s minions have turned on him.

“Whoop-de-fucking-do.”

Uh-huh. So onward to the fic!

Dexter was taking care of enemies himself in another part of the battlefield.

With gentle embraces and nurturing comments? :looks over at Syl but gets no reaction:

Seriously? Nothing? What the hell is wrong with you?

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

When he was done it looked like he was surrounded by dozens of robots all with their guns pointed at him.

It only looked like he was surrounded, but that wasn’t really the case?

“The damned automatons will likely explode, fail to kill the Dexter and yet take out most of Aku’s armies.”

You’re just a regular little ray of sunshine today, aren’t you?

Dexter knew that that was probably the end for him and braced for the inevitable hit.

“Keep bracing, asshole. It’ll never come.”

Probably not, he’ll likely be saved via contrived circumstances at the last minute, but you don’t have to sound so angry about it. What crawled up your rectum and died?

“I said I didn’t want to talk about it.”

But before the robots could fire multiple laser blasts hit them and destroyed a good amount of them. Dexter then destroyed the rest with his wrench. When he was done he looked to find his savior. He was shocked.

He was surprised that the robots blew themselves up?

“Called it.”

I’ve got to admit, that was a little unexpected. Of course, it’s probable that the author meant that the multiple laser blasts came from some unknown party and not the attacking robots – but that’s why punctuation is so important.

“Professor! What are you doing here?”

Hunting for wild Pokemon?

“I don’t understand half the things you say.”

I get that a lot.

“You didn’t think I’d miss the final fight between the forced of good and evil just because I’m an inventor and not a warrior did you?”

I’m not sure who you are, so I couldn’t really say for certain. I guess if you invented some kind of weapon to give yourself an advantage then it wouldn’t really matter if you were a stereotypical “warrior” or not.

“If this professor was really smart, he’d have waited back in the Secret Desert Base where it was safe.”

But he’s on Team Good, so he’ll never get a scratch.

“He doesn’t know that!”

“I guess not.” Dexter than gave a smile and Doc Brown returned it. This didn’t last long as they looked forward and saw more robots and coming towards them.

“Nice of them to wait until after the two had this little conversation to move closer.”

Must be former protocol droids.

“Want to see some serious stuff Dexter?”

“Yes, always Professor.”

“Hey, now. There’s a time and a place for fetish porn and this isn’t really it.”

I doubt that’s what he means.

“Must you constantly rain on my parade?”

Doctor Brown pulled a lever that increased the power in his laser. When it fired all the robots that charged towards them were disintegrated.

“Just like your console, this amorphous device has a lever for everything.”

But I’m almost sure that there’s not one on the console that disintegrates you. :glances at console: I should probably get around to labeling them, just in case.

“Great Scott indeed,” said Dexter.

Ummm… Doc never said “Great Scott!”.

“He says it all the time in the movies.”

Yeah, but he didn’t say it now so it makes no sense to add that ‘indeed’ in there.

Both warriors gathered their senses and rushed to rejoin the battle.

“Why is everyone in such a big damned hurry to get back to the fighting? Idiots.”

Limited verb use; you see it all the time in badfics. Authors use the same verbs over and over and over again. Drives me nuts.

Cole stood on one end of the battlefield unleashing blast after blast of electricity.

“How many ends does this battlefield have?”

It’s a battle dodecahedron.

The robots were short circuited out by his powers by still kept coming.

That would make me think that they weren’t being short-circuited, or even damaged in any meaningful way.

“I’m just shocked that they haven’t begun exploding like the last lot.”

Suddenly one got the jump on Cole and hit him in the back. Cole tried to recover but the robot prepared to finish him off.

“And some other idiot will save his inattentive ass in … 3 … 2 … 1 …”

But before it could deliver the finishing blow it was shot by, against all odds, a blast of electricity.

“Called it.”

Oh, please; anyone who has read even a few paragraphs of this thing could see that coming.

While Cole got back on his feet he knew full well who had just saved his life. And he had never been happier to see him.

“Oh, does he have a handsome lover?”

Don’t think so.

“Damn it all the hell. I’m rolling snake eyes today; well, not literally. He won’t return my voice mails.”

He’s mute, and probably not interested.

“Nice to see you again Vergil.”

:Ghostie repeatedly kicks the desk while swearing in Japanese:

“Hmmm… My keen deductive reasoning leads me to believe that you know who this person is.”

I have my suspicions.

The young man approached Cole with a slight smile on his face. “Didn’t think I’d let you guys have all the fun did you?”

“Of course not. “

“Are we supposed to be having fun?”

Usually you’re having a pretty good time regardless of what’s going on, but today…

:a knife appears in the wall mere inches from Ghostie’s head:

Right; you don’t want to talk about it.

Before they could say anything else they found themselves surrounded by more robots. Cole and Vergil turned their backs to each other.

“The real winner in this battle is whoever owns stock in this world’s robot factories. There’s bunches of the things all over the place.”

“Vergil, you remember that trick we worked on?”

“They’ve been turning tricks? I thought you said this wasn’t that kind of fic?”

:Ghostie headdesks:

“What makes you I forgot?”

I think you word there.

Cole laughed. “I forgot who I’m dealing with.”

“And I’ve never known who you’re dealing with.”

:Ghostie resumes kicking and swearing:

“But it seems Ghostie does. Care to share with the rest of the class, lovey?”

He’s Virgil Hawkins!

:crickets chirp:

“And who’s he, when he’s at home?”

Static Shock!

:crickets continue chirping:

Ugh. Wait a second…

:digs through files:

This guy.

“He looks angry.”

He’s a teenager; lots of hormones at that age. Virgil Hawkins develops the ability to produce and manipulate electricity via contrived circumstances beyond his control, a similar-yet-different origin story from how Cole gained his powers. Static Shock is a relatively obscure character from the DC universe primarily found in the comics; his longest running non-comics presence was when he had a short-lived animated series in the ’90s, although he also appeared in the second (and regrettably last) season of Young Justice and has made a few other minor appearances as well. Most of the time he’s stuck in as a background character, probably as an Easter egg for devoted DC fans. Supposedly there’s talk of a live action movie as well, while DC plays catch-up with the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

“Stopped caring.”

It might interest you that there is a small but rabid fanbase that ships young Virgil with his friend Richie, a character from the animated series who is based on Virgil’s openly gay friend Rick Stone from the comics.

“And now you have my attention.”

You are so easy.

“That’s what everyone says, darling. Who am I to prove them wrong?”

They turned to face each other and put their hands together and began to charge their powers. Eventually the force became so great that it sent out a giant shockwave which short-circuited the robots in front of them.

“What just happened?”

They built up a massive charge of electricity, and then something happened.

“What? What happened?”

:shrugs: A thing?

“Just like old times Cole.”

“Bugger your old times, you bald-faced weasel!”

Hey! Just because you’re grumpy, don’t take it out on Virgil.

:Syl huffs:

They then ran off to engage other enemies in further battle.

“Of course they are! That’s the bloody formula, isn’t it? A brief scuffle where the so-called good guys thoroughly trounce the baddies and suffer no ill effects from the encounter but instead are bright-fucking-eyed and bushy-fucking-tailed when they scamper off to trounce the next poor assholes they stumble across.”

… Anything you feel like sharing, Syl?

“It’s so fucked up! These assholes are sowing wanton destruction with fuck-all repercussions!”

Dude, why is this bothering you so much? You get away with all kinds of shit in the Library.

:Syl slams her palms down on the desk, surging to her feet to loom over Ghostie as the Librarian shrinks back in her chair. When she speaks, Syl’s voice is icy-cold and deathly calm:

“Little girl, you cannot even begin to comprehend the price I have paid for my actions. And the debts I still owe.”

:Syl stares into Ghostie’s eyes for a moment and then collapses backwards into her chair. When she speaks again, her voice is normal:

“But I’m a known liar and a thief, aren’t I? I could be lying right now.”

:Ghostie is visibly shaken, but composes herself:

You and I are going to have a talk later, after the last chapter.

:Syl shrugs and looks away:

Speaking of the last chapter:

Snake-Eyes stood facing his rival Storm Shadow. Both of their weapons drawn and humming with power and their souls filled with rage.

“They have swords; swords shouldn’t hum.”

Maybe they don’t know the words?

“Did your mummy tell you that joke? Because it’s ancient.”

“It’s been a long time, brother.”

“I had a dream like this, only he wasn’t calling me ‘brother’ and the humming sword was more of an euphemism.”

Okay, I really didn’t need to know that.

Snake-Eyes remained silent.

The mute character continued not talking?

“I am shocked.”

I’m a little surprised, actually. In many badfics the canonically silent characters often never shut up.

“You seem eager. I know full well that every time we’ve fought in the past you’ve bested me. So this time I brought a new friend to help me out.”

“I hope your friend is ready to get his ass kicked and/or exploded. There’s a lot of that going around today.”

Then suddenly Deathstroke appeared out of nowhere

And from behind!

“Kinky.”

and fired a several rounds of a machine gun at Snake-Eyes.

“He fired several machine guns at Snake Eyes? With what, a large machine gun?”

Or possibly broke down a machine gun into sections and fired those at Snake Eyes.

“Yes, because that makes so much more sense.”

Surprisingly not only did he not flinch or even move, but somehow all of the bullets were deflected.

“Is Snake Eyes a witch?”

No, he’s a ninja.

“:shrugs: “Same thing, really.”

I’ll tell the clan you said that, I’m sure they’ll love being called majo.

Deathstroke was legitimately surprised.

And thanks so much for telling us rather than showing the audience what was happening.

“It does really streamline the reading process, though. We can really zip through these chapters in no time.”

He wondered how something like this could have happened when a voice came out.

Can a disembodied voice even have a sexual orientation?

“Not in this dimension, but I’ve been places.”

“Snake-Eyes has friend as well. And today one friend has come to help him.”

Just the one, though. The rest of the army is busy with a bake sale.

“I call dibs on the coconut cake!”

Then a figure appeared by Snake-Eyes side with his weapon drawn. It was a young man with cloth concealing his face and wearing full body armor. Deathstroke recognized this figure immediately.

“Yeah, because that description was super fucking helpful.”

Even by this fic’s already low standards, that is really lazy. It’s not as bad as some, though.

“I’m curious; are you high?”

Just look at the last chapter; the only physical description Virgil gets is “young man”. There’s not even a passing mention of any physical traits, or his costume, or even the fact that he’s African-American.

“Hiryu. Now things have gotten interesting.”

“Who?”

It’s a Japanese name, so based on the author’s fondness for video game characters I’m going to assume he’s from a JRPG.

“Or someone from one of those weird cartoons.”

Anime.

“Hmmm?”

They’re called ‘anime’.

“Which is the Japanese word for a …?”

…Cartoon.

“Personally I’ve been wanting to fight you for a while Slade.”

“Hmmh. I’m honored.”

“Has he? Is he? Do these two even know each other?”

Based on every previous encounter we’ve suffered through I would say that they don’t, but I’m going to Google a bit to make sure.

—BRIEF INTERMISSION—

It looks like I was right about him being a video game character; Hiryu is part of the Capcom universe and appears in the Strider series of games as well as other titles.

“He was right; that is a young man with cloth on his face. I don’t see any body armor, though.”

Me neither. Nice belt, though.

“So do they know each other or not?”

Since Hiryu was in the Marvel vs. Capcom series and Deathstroke is a DC character, I’m going to guess that they don’t.

Snake-Eyes and Hiryu then rushed to engage Storm Shadow and Deathstroke.

“Damn it all, not this again!”

:Syl slaps one palm against the desk; the desk explodes into a cloud of ultra-fine dust:

“Oops.”

THE HELL DID YOU JUST DO TO MY DESK!?!?

“I might have accidentally :mumbles incoherently:”

You accidentally did what?

:sighs: “I accidentally negated the molecular bonds of your desk.”

… You can do that?

“I try not to. It can get messy.”

Wouldn’t that release a lot of radiation?

“Don’t worry, I’m taking care of it.”

You’re taking care of it?!?

“You have my word.”

Your word? YOUR WORD?!? I don’t trust you as it is! What part of watching you accidentally vaporize my desk is supposed to make you more trustworthy?

“It was a disintegration, not a vaporization. And at least I didn’t disintegrate you.”

… True.

“Relax; this isn’t my first rodeo, cowgirl.”

:looks at powdery remains of desk: My lunch was in there.

“Technically speaking, it still is. It’s just been rearranged a bit.”

So let me get this straight; you have this power that is, quite frankly, terrifying, and yet you never use it?

“I don’t like using it, it feels like cheating.”

You always cheat! Consistently and conspicuously! You’re in the middle of a six-month suspension from Library Game Night because of cheating!

“Hey, there’s no rule saying you can’t hold up the bank in Monopoly.”

You robbed Markus and the entire Specs & Co. while we were playing Twister!

“That doesn’t count as cheating! I was just taking advantage of the situation.”

Cloud and Sora stood back to back while after having defeated swarms of enemies. Yet they were instantly surrounded by more.

“I seriously regret not investing in a robot minion factory. I could make a killing.”

Not literally; these murder-bots are terrible at their jobs.

“Planned obsolesce; got to keep the customers coming back for more.”

More crap-bots that can’t kill worth a damn? Might as well just set fire to your money and fling that at your opponents.

“Ready for some more action Cloud?” There was no response.

“Action? He’s going to get some action?!?”

Down, girl.

Sora turned around and saw Cloud had gone to engage Sephiroth in battle.

“He’s getting some action with Sephiroth?!?”

Do I need to get the hose?

They traded blow after blow with neither one landing.

“These two are terrible at blowing each other. They need expert guidance; I humbly offer my services to Sephiroth.”

I can just guess how you’d like to service him.

“If you had read my fanfiction, you wouldn’t have to guess.”

Sora ran after to help him but soon find himself looking at an all too familiar face.

“Maleficent!”

“Remind me again what her face looks like?”

According to the fic, it is made of Formless Void.

“Good to see you too young Keyblade wielder. I had hoped we’d get a chance before this battle was over.”

You hoped for a chance to do what, exactly?

“Play naked Twister?”

No, that’s what you would hope for.

Before Sora could respond Maleficent unleashed a flood of darkness.

“That’s why you should always carry an emergency pad with you.”

I really hope that’s not what this is supposed to be.

When it was over in her place was a giant dragon.

“That happens for some women during their ‘flood of darkness.’ I blame the hormones.”

You know, you have been pretty grumpy today…

“If you try to pull that ‘she’s on the rag’ nonsense with me, sunshine, I will feed you your own larynx.”

I don’t think that’s physically possible, but I really don’t want to find out.

“Smart girl.”

Sora felt no fear. He looked deep inside himself until he heard someone call out his name.

“Is there some kind of medication that he forgot to take?”

I’m assuming it’s a video game thing.

“Ready Sora?”

“Ready Roxas.”

“Who is he talking to?”

It’s another character from the Kingdom Hearts series; I don’t really understand the nuances, but Roxas is the Nobody of Sora.

“You sound as crazy as he does.”

It’s a video game, things don’t make sense in video games.

Sora focused all his energy and soon a bright light engulfed him.

“Is it too much to hope that the bright light is dragon fire?”

Probably.

Soon Sora was covered in white and holding Oathkeeper and Oblivion.

“Must have been a damned big bird if it completely covered him.”

Ewww. I’m just going to assume this is another wardrobe change that accompanies some sort of power-up like the last one.

“What is he holding?”

Given the impressive names I would assume they are Keyblades.

“I have no idea what those are.”

I’m a bit fuzzy as well, and apparently the author feels like punishing anyone in the audience who doesn’t share his exact interests by never describing anything and thus making this fic as hard to understand as possible.

He charged at the dragon.

“Of course he bloody did. No one takes time to plan out their strategy; they just run in, spurs-up, and trust that fate is on their side.”

Fate and the author.

“This is a damn stupid way to fight a dragon, but a brilliant way to turn into a damp spot on the ground.”

The Scotsman was smashing wave of enemy soldiers with his brute strength alone. When this bored him he started firing his machine gun leg and threw a couple of grenades. When the dust cleared he gathered his breath. This did not last long as more enemies came towards him.

“Christ, even the characters are getting tired of winning so easily!”

They have had an endless supply of formless drones to practice on, so I imagine it would get dull after a while.

“Now this is what I like to call a fight!”

“Hasn’t he been doing the exact same thing for the duration of the battle?”

Probably; the Scotsman has a pretty straightforward fighting style.

He drew his claymore.

“He’s been battling waves of enemies for God only knows how long, and he only now takes out his sword?”

That, or he decided to sketch a pretty picture of his sword between robots.

“I bet he sends it to his woman. What is it with men and their obsession with showing off their trouser snakes?”

Not that sword!

Danny stared angrily at Ben with his fists glowing with energy.

“What does this have to do with the Scotsman? Or Sora and the dragon? Or … anything?”

I think the author has given up even trying to do transitions. More than anything else, this chapter resembles a bunch of short scenes spliced together in a video.

“Let’s settle this once and for all Tennyson.”

“Fine by me Danny.”

Huh. I think this is the first time the same opponents have faced each other twice.

“The author must have wanted to replay the level.”

Ben activated the omnitrix and slammed down on it hard. In his place appeared a personal favorite of Ben.

“Diamondhead!”

“And that would be … Who?”

I think I know who it could be, but I’m not really familiar enough with the show to know for certain and I really shouldn’t have to Google every frickin’ character in this fic.

Danny fired an energy blast which Ben countered with a diamond shield. Then he struck the ground with his fists and shards struck Danny and sent him flying.

“Not bad Tennyson.”

Not good, either. It’s not really anything, since there’s no context for what’s going on.

“Did the ghost forget he can become intangible?”

I think so.

“He’d win a lot faster if he bothered using his powers properly.”

Ben began to charge but Danny used his ice breath to try to slow him down. Ultimately Ben got to him before he was frozen and delivered a punishing blow.

“Did Evil Danny almost freeze himself?”

Wow. He really doesn’t know how to use his powers very well.

Ben accessed the power and transformed again.

“Into someone else I’ve never heard of, no doubt.”

“XLR8!”

“Called it.”

He then ran as fast as the Kineceleran could and dealt a series of strikes on Danny until he reached out and grabbed him by the throat. He then fired a blast into his stomach.

Did Ben just shoot himself in the stomach, or did Evil Danny shoot himself in the stomach?

“Danny grabbed himself by the throat and then shot himself in the stomach.”

Pronouns are hard.

“Too easy.”

Ben transformed again.

Am I still supposed to care at this point which of the millions of monsters Ben has access to kicks the ghost boy’s ass?

“I know I don’t.”

“Echo Echo! This time Ben pressed down on the symbol in the middle of his chest. “Ultimate Echo Echo!” Then Ben sent out a shockwave which Danny countered with his ghost wail. Eventually the force of the attacks caused an explosion which knocked out both combatants.

“Managed to knock himself out while in the middle of a massive battle.” :slow clap: “Good job!”

This just stopped being a fight and became a race to see which side discovers their unconscious bodies first.

Eventually, Ben woke up; Danny did not.

Did Ben just kill Evil Danny?

“That’s a bit dark, isn’t it?”

It’s highly improbable, is what it is. Regular Danny is half-ghost, but this version is a mix of Danny’s ghost half and Vlad’s ghost half – he’s all ghost. You shouldn’t be able to “kill” a ghost.

“I’m sorry it had to come to this.”

Yeah, you seem very broken up about all of this.

” Almost managed to squeeze out an emotion.”

Almost.

He then transformed into Heatblast and ran off to engage some robots.

Well, his grief was short-lived.

“He is mid-battle; stopping to moon over every corpse you make is a good way to be turned into one yourself.”

And on that pragmatic note – we’re done!

“You mean that’s it? it just ends with no resolution?”

Based on the age of the fic I would consider it a dead fic; there’s little chance it will ever be updated with more chapters.

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23 Comments on “1354: Samurai Jack meets Batman Beyond – Chapters 11 & 12”

  1. SC says:

    Doc never said “Great Scott!”.

    Doc: Nor do I ever plan to.

    Wrong Do-

    Doc: Yeah, I fucking know it’s not about me.

  2. SC says:

    The damned automatons will likely explode

    *Bifocals makes a pained sound and lurches forward in her seat, clutching her heart in horror*

  3. SC says:

    “Professor! What are you doing here?”

    Hunting for wild Pokemon?

    No no no no no, he sends a bunch of rando kids to do that.

  4. SC says:

    What crawled up your rectum and died?

    Specs: The coochipede.

    RECTUM, God damn it! RECTUM!

  5. SC says:

    “He fired several machine guns at Snake Eyes? With what, a large machine gun?”

    Shades: You’re implying that machine guns aren’t already fucking enormous by nature, and I simply cannot let that go unaddressed.

    Please don’t start gun nerding. We’ll be here all day.

  6. SC says:

    he’s all ghost. You shouldn’t be able to “kill” a ghost.

    Sports Shades: *SNEEEEEEEERK*

    It doesn’t count if it’s Contacts.

    Sports Shades: Well, fuck you too.

  7. TacoMagic says:

    “Hiryu. Now things have gotten interesting.”

    I’ll be in the closet of extreme profanity if anyone needs me.

  8. TacoMagic says:

    Sora felt no fear. He looked deep inside himself until he heard someone call out his name.

    “Is there some kind of medication that he forgot to take?”

    I’m assuming it’s a video game thing.

    It might be, but not from that one.

    • GhostCat says:

      I poked around the Kingdom Hearts wiki a bit and couldn’t find anything like that, but I didn’t know if I was missing something or the author was pulling this out of their ass.

  9. TacoMagic says:

    “Ready Sora?”

    “Ready Roxas.”

    That’s it, I’m heading back to the closet of swearing and adding on a room to live in.

  10. Seriously? Nothing? What the hell is wrong with you?

    Cain: She probably had to interact with Ishi in a civil manner. Seriously, how does she hate him so much? He can be annoying, but you’d think he was the anti-pirate.


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