1352: Legaia Nara and the SimSeru – Chapter OnePosted: March 9, 2016
So, this week we start in on the sequel to the last mini-project. This fic was posted just a few months after the first one and is only slightly longer. A cursory glance over the chapter indicates that this fic is quite a bit less angsty and, mercifully, not a romance.
That, unfortunately, doesn’t stop this thing from being a wreck.
Let’s just dive into this thing, starting, as always, with the summary.
Nara, Vahn & Noa’s spirited daughter, goes on an exploration trip, gets into big trouble, and gives Cort a chance for redemption. Story completed.
Hey! An actual summary. I can already see that we’re going to be leaving canon and world mechanics behind on this one, but at least it’s a summary!
And, right away, I can see that some lessons have been learned!
The asterisks are gone in favor of actual text formatting!
Other lessons, well… not so much.
I don’t own Legend Of Legaia, or its characters. I don’t even know why I bother stating the obvious.
If you can’t come up with a good reason for doing something, maybe, just maybe, you shouldn’t do it. Just a thought.
Meanwhile, Vick continues doing something right:
In a way that is fairly wrong:
This is a sequel to my first L.O.L. story, but you don’t need to read it first to enjoy this fic. It takes place about one year after the ending of ‘If Life Allows’, and little over seven years after the game’s ending. The story is mainly about Nara, Vahn and Noa’s daughter, and her best friend Thoram, Mei’s son.
Look, you don’t need to tell your readers the obvious. We’re sharp people. We’re going to see who the story is about both from the actual story and from your summary. You don’t need to tell us that information. You similarly don’t need to tell us that a sequel takes place after the first fic. Once again, we’re sharp, we know what a sequel is.
Patronizing the audience aside, it’s really not the worst author’s note, so let’s press on.
West of Rim Elm there is a mountain range.
Ooookay? Let’s check the map.
Yeah.. no. That’s not a mountain range. I wouldn’t even call that a mountain. At best, that’s a stony bluff.
You really need to work on your research, author. And probably your geology as well.
When the Bio-Castle took over the village, part of it reached to the mountain’s feet. Today, nearly seven years after its destruction, a series of pits remain there as a grim reminder of those dark times.
Pits caused by… a thing?
No, really, why are there pits? And why are they grim?
Those gaps have been condemned by order of the King, and following High Knight Vahn’s counsel.
Vahn’s goofy title aside, if these pits are so grim and disturbing, why do they need to be condemned? Was there a risk that somebody might look at the creepy ass-pits and think, “Boy! We should live in there! The skulls are so lovely and the voices very pleasant”?
The area is patrolled by the Kingdom’s Soldiers, so nothing short of an army of determined warrior-diggers, equipped with sturdy tools, could gain access to the tunnels that are to be found there.
Which, again, why? Why do the pits need to be so heavily guarded? Why would anyone want to actually go in there in numbers that would require such heavy guard? Author! Explain shit!
Of course, if you just happen to be short, very spirited, overly curious and stubborn, even a detachment of Biron Monks wouldn’t keep you from trespassing.
Not to mention a raging Sue in training. I’m betting right now that when people find out that she had sneaked in, she gets very little repercussions for committing what is essentially a federal crime.
Also, your lack of the Oxford comma hurts me, author. Sure, you don’t have to use the Oxford comma. You also don’t have to wear pants in public.
Thoram was already regretting having taken part in the expedition, wondering why he had let himself be talked into it.
I can see that the wonky pacing will be making a return in the sequel. Good, I was worried that this fic might actually go somewhere.
The fact was it was because Nara had a way to make all of her ideas, even the really bad ones, sound good.
She will make a gifted used-chariot saleswoman someday.
Either that, or Thoram is kinda dumb. Which, he’s six, so I’m betting it’s the second thing.
Also, author, I don’t think you really understand children since this kind of caper is too old for these two. They’re five and six. Children that old don’t generally have the mental capacity to think up these kinds of “expeditions.” For reference, author, this is roughly kindergarten age up to first grade at most. You’re once again thinking of the eight-to-fourteen range.
“Nara, you said that we would only get near the pits then go back, and it’s getting late.” Said the brown-eyed boy to his perky friend.
Aaaaand now I’m going to spend the rest of the day with Van Morrison stuck in my head. Thanks, author.
I’ll add dialogue punctuation to the list of things the author hasn’t improved upon. To be fair to the guy, it’s only two months later at this point in his writing career.
“Awwww! Where’s your sense of adventure? We got pass the guards, didn’t we? And we made it this far, so why not take a little peek?” Answered the red-haired girl.
So wait, this is her masterful convincing skill in action?
Once again, between Nara being super convincing and Thoram being uncommonly dim, we’re still going with the “second thing.”
She was a smaller version of Noa, and had inherited her mother’s spirit and sense of wonder.
Which, since Noa spent most of the first fic brooding angstily, Nara must be a rather mellow child. And by “mellow” I mean “whiny.”
The boy sighed, “Because, let me think…Ah, yes! It’s going to get us in trouble, big time?”
And yet, here you are. “Second thing” confirmed.
“Well, go back if you want, I’m not leaving before I see those pits.”
“I don’t think that this is such a good idea, Nara.”
DO NOT QUESTION THE SUE!
“Come on, trust me on this one! It’s going to be great!” She said with one of her wide smiles that threatened to split her head in two, and was usually an omen of disaster to come.
Thoram wasn’t convinced this time around though, “The last time you said that, we got grounded for a week for climbing the roof of the Elder’s house.”
Finally, he’s kinda sorta standing up for himself. I guess his willingness to do stupid things stops just short of trespassing on federal land. Well, trespassing beyond a few hundred feet anyway.
“That was just a slight miscalculation, and how was I supposed to know that Mount Rikorua was so slippery?”
That’s a strange name for a house. Maybe the elder is just working on his crazy-old-man routine.
“I live in a mountain, ya’ damn kids!”
“And of course, it wasn’t your fault that we landed on the Elder’s tea party.”
Seriously, author, go listen to some kindergarten-age children. Tell me how close their dialogue comes to what you’re writing here.
For authors everywhere: RESEARCH!
“Who has tea parties in this time and age anyway?
Apparently the elder does. Though he probably called it “afternoon tea” or “tea time.”
And why did he invite the Elders from the surrounding villages? Don’t they have their own villages to take care off?”
I’m of two minds about this.
On one hand, this is the kind of naiveté you would expect of children. They don’t understand or care about the need for networking with other professionals or the benefits of sharing information.
On the other hand, there shouldn’t be other villages. At most there are around 5,000 people in the Drake Kingdoms, though probably a lot less. In the world of Legaia, there are maybe, MAYBE 50,000 people left alive. There are just not enough people to even populate the five cities that exist. Settling other villages is several decades, maybe even a century, away.
The girl’s logic was quite flawless, in her mind anyway.
Thanks for at least conditionalizing that bit of prose. Still, the narrator seems about as trustworthy as in the last fic. That is to say: not at all.
“Well at least his cat was all right, I still wonder how it got on the roof in the first place.” He mused aloud.
Dude, it’s a fucking cat. How do you think it got on the roof?
Author, don’t have your characters muse over painfully obvious stuff just to pad out your word count. It makes your empty fic seem even less substantial.
“Huh, about that, I threw bits of food on the roof, to get the Elder’s cat to go there.” Confessed Nara.
So, is Nara supposed to be a spirited youth, or an out-of-control brat? Because you aren’t doing a good job of painting a picture of that first thing. Rather, I’m getting a hefty whiff of Tom Sawyer from this kid, and Tom Sawyer was a moronic douchebag in his best moments.
“WHAT?” Exclaimed Thoram, “Why would you do such a thing?”
The whim took her and nobody was watching. What other reasons do you need?
“Well, I wanted to re-enact my Mommy and Daddy’s first meeting, when they fought that winged lion thing.”
The boy rolled his eyes, as understanding suddenly dawned on him, “So the roof was Mount Rikorua, you were your Mom, I was your Dad, and the cat was Caruban. Am I right?”
How do you participate in a game without knowing what the hell the basic premise is? Even my kids at six and three know how to be on the same page. Generally that page is: “OH NO!! ZOMBIES!! ARRR!!” but at least they both know the theme.
“YUP!” Chirped the girl merrily.
I guess this place is crawling with a super-army of absolutely inept guards.
Then again, I’d bet the fic already forgot that this place was supposed to have enough guards stationed here to be able to stop an army, so talking at anything above a whisper should be likely to get you caught. Very, very quickly.
Speaking of which, where the hell did all these knights come from? There aren’t enough people in the entire region to stave off even a tiny army at this point. Certainly there are lots better things these guards could be doing.
His tone was bitter when he replied, “I should have known that it was another of your crazy ideas, they all are.”
I’m just going to let it go from now on. The fic has firmly established Thoram as being dumb and easily lead, so, really, him continuing to follow Nara around is just consistent character writing.
Nara put her hands on her hips, and faced her companion, “Come on, Thoram, you don’t mean that. You know very well that all of my ideas are good!”
Truly a master of persuasion.
“Yes, I do mean it!” replied the boy, “And not all of your ideas are good, most of them stink, and I’m just too darn stupid to realize it on time.”
You won’t get any argument from me. At least one of the characters here is genre savvy.
Also, once again, young children do not talk like this. Not even close. Speaking of which:
The girl was unruffled, “Well then, name one of my ideas that was bad!”
Once again, he rolled his eyes, “What about the time you convinced me to build a raft, and then put it in the water and we almost drowned?”
“Just a little engineering problem, and what is an isolate incident after all?”
“And there was that time when we got chased by bees…”
“It didn’t sting that much…”
“And when you almost started a fire in my house…”
“Your father put it out on time, didn’t he?”
“And that time when my head got stuck in your house’s fence…”
“It’s not my fault if you have a big head.”
“And that time when…”
*Raises his hand*
Author, can you do me a favor, can you tell me why, exactly, this scene exists? Is it to annoy the reader? It is, isn’t it? That being the case: well done!
“All right, all right, I get the picture, but this time it’s different, trust me.” She concluded with a huge grin, which usually won the boy over to her cause.
Let me remind you, fic, that earlier you said, and I quote:
The fact was it was because Nara had a way to make all of her ideas, even the really bad ones, sound good.
Yet you’re showing the audience the exact opposite. She is absolutely horrible at making her plans seem like anything other than a disaster waiting to happen.
I know, I know, don’t trust the narrator of this fic. Trusting a third-person narrator is a hard habit to break.
But this time it didn’t, and he firmly stated, “That’s what you say EVERY time something bad is about to happen, so I insist that we go back now.”
“Ah! And who’s going to make me? Huh?”
Thoram, you’re six. Just leave her behind, nobody would blame you. Especially not anyone who knows her.
Even if the girl was between easy reach of his arms, Thoram knew that he had no chance of grabbing her. Nara was incredibly fast and moved like quicksilver,
Dammit! Gumdrop! Man the pie buffet and keep the Ornithopod cream pies churning out; we’re going to have the dinner rush here soon.
so a direct approach was bound to fail. And thus he decided to use deception.
Oh good, mind games!
He looked up and exclaimed, “OOOOOOOH!”
Curious, Nara also looked up, “What?”
“GOTCHA!” He yelled victoriously.
Right, six-year-old mind games. I’m not sure what I expected.
Probably would have worked a little better if you’d have done more than yelled at her in victory. Still, better than any of Sorin’s plans.
“YIKES!” Exclaimed the startled girl, and then Thoram threw her over his shoulder and held her in an inescapable hug.
“Thoram! Put me down!” Complained the girl, her green eyes burning with fury.
“No way, we’re going back now, you’ll thank me for this some day.” He replied proudly.
Hope you don’t mind carrying a struggling girl for [Error: Setting not found] miles back to home. I’m sure the guards won’t notice.
Speaking of which, where are these guards? They’ve got two children arguing and carrying on at the top of their lungs inside the perimeter. These guards have to be the worst in the kingdom! Which, they’re on hole guarding detail, so it’s actually reasonable that they would be the dregs. Still, the narrator once again proves his willingness to lie to the audience in the name of melodrama. “Well guarded” my left buttock.
“LET ME GO! NOW!” She ordered, kicking and trying to pull free, but he was wearing his leather jacket that didn’t allow her to slip from his grasp.
The hell? What does the leather jacket have do to with it? Is it a Blessed Leather Jacket of +3 Binding?
“Enjoy the ride, you usually pester me to carry you.” He said, laughing and not overly bothered by her kicks.
Oh, I guess he is going to carry her.
While arguing with her at the top of his lungs.
“IF YOU DON’T LET ME GO, I’LL PUT SPIDERS IN YOUR BED! AND BUGS IN YOUR FOOD!”
Uh, you live in an analogue of the Middle Ages, cupcake. There are bugs in the beds and food already. And in pretty much everything else.
Thoram chuckled, “I’m not afraid of spiders, and my parents don’t allow you in the kitchen anymore since the fire incident.”
Seriously, why is everyone letting this five-year-old run amok, seemingly with little attempt to reign it in!? Sure, sure, she’s a handful and all that. Build a cage or something before she accidentally burns dow-
Wait a damn minute, she’s supposed to be Calvin and Thoram is Hobbes. Fuck my world.
Rippin’ Shit Off: 6
“PUT ME DOWN, OR I’LL TELL EVERYONE THAT YOU LIKE MY AUNTY NENE!”
That gave him pause, but he decided that it was worth the risk, “I think she knows already anyway.”
*Takes a step back from the fic and holds his hands up*
Nope, not going to think about that too much. Or at all. Let’s just pretend that exchange didn’t happen.
“IF YOU DON’T RELEASE ME, I’LL BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN WHILE YOU’RE SLEEPING AND THEN YOU’LL RUN OUT IN YOUR JAMMIES AND THE WHOLE VILLAGE WILL LAUGH AT YOU!”
Wow. Just… wow. Author, you don’t know what the fuck you’re doing, do you? I can only assume you thought this was funny, which worries me.
I’m now morbidly curious about all those humor fics that Vick says he’s more comfortable writing. I have a feeling I could fill the rest of my riffing calendar for the next year with those.
“You’re not allowed to play with fire, remember?” He informed his enraged friend.
Is that anything like how you’re both not allowed near the pits? Yeah, I’m sure not being allowed to do something will totally dissuade her.
Realizing that coercion would not work, Nara decided to use trickery. She tried to remember the conversations between Nene and the region’s healer, in order to come up with some alarming injuries.
Is this fucking scene over yet? This is almost, almost as boring as Eighth Spirit.
“Ooooow!” She cried.
“Nara? Are you all right?” Asked a concerned Thoram.
She responded in a weak voice, “I think my ribs are broken, my lungs collapsed, and my prostate is swollen.”
That would actually be somewhat amusing in a modern context. Within the context of a game that’s a Middle Ages analogue, it just screams of the author trying too hard to be funny. But, ultimately, it’s too anachronistic to be funny.
Not to mention she remembers all that terminology way too well for somebody who is supposed to be five.
Rule of thumb, if you know jack-all about kids, don’t write about them. Unless, of course, you’re writing a movie/TV show for kids. Then feel free to write your child characters unrealistically smart and capable. Kids just eat that crap up.
That sounded quite serious, and the boy released her very carefully, “Oh, Nara, I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry, can you stand? No, maybe it’s better if I carry you to your aunt Nene, I’m really, really sorr…”
Which solidifies into steel Thoram’s “too stupid to breathe” characterization. Stupider than a guard in an Austin Powers movie.
“Eh! Come back here! You’re not hurt!” He exclaimed, as he ran after her.
Guard 1: Have you guys been hearing all that?
Guard 2: Eh, probably just some dumb kids. Now either bet or fold; stop trying to play for time.
Guard 1: But, shouldn’t we be trying to keep them out or something? We were stationed here to guard this place, after all.
Guard 3: Naw, man, we were put here to guard against that army of warrior-diggers. And those two out there don’t sound nothin’ like warrior-diggers. You gonna bet or what?
Guard 1: Look, I’m just going to head over there real quick and-
Guard 4: Okay, nachos are done, who wants a bowl?
The girl was fast like the wind and she saw, with great satisfaction, that her companion was following. She adjusted her speed so he wouldn’t be left too far behind. Thoram knew he had no chance to catch up, as Nara was only second to her mother when it came to racing.
Whose point of view are we supposed to be in, anyway? It keeps bouncing around like a kangaroo on speed!
Nara skillfully jumped over and swerved around obstacles, reveling in the feeling of freedom that speed always gave her.
Except for not going all that fast so she doesn’t outrun Thoram. You literally just typed that she was holding back, author.
She also felt pride at having outwitted Thoram, once again, and it gave her a happy feeling of accomplishment.
You outwitted a boy dense as a block of lead. Woo, big accomplishment.
She finally reached the object of her interest and waited for the boy on a boulder. He arrived shortly and out of breath, whereas she on the other hand had hardly broken a sweat.
We get it, she’s fucking awesome. Can you stop stroking the Sue’s ego and actually write something interesting?
Deciding that there was no harm in looking around, since brick and mortar closed the pits, Thoram followed the red-haired girl.
Oh, so I guess people did move into the pits? Or maybe it was set up as a warehouse or factory of some sort? Otherwise the pits being bricked over doesn’t make much sense.
Well, unless they were just being realistic about the quality of the guards they have stationed here.
But she soon disappeared between a group of boulders, and he decided to rest a little while she satisfied her curiosity. He knew that his spirited friend would soon tire of the whole thing anyway, as her attention span was notoriously short.
Author, we get it. We really do. She’s flighty and energetic and all that. Now, can you stop telling us all this and actually SHOW us something!? It’s infuriating that you get so close sometimes! See, at times you actually do start to show us a thing, but then seem to feel the need to drag everything to a halt so you can explain it to us.
“THORAM! HEEEEEeeeellllp!” Came Nara’s cry of alarm.
Quick, now’s your chance to be rid of her for good!
He immediately jumped over the boulders, ready to fight whatever was endangering the girl.
So, you jumped over a pair of boulders in an area known to have deep, creepy ass-pits. That’s a good way to find yourself dead, kiddo.
He could see no trace of her and he could see little in the deepening shadows. Concern made him careless, otherwise he would have seen the hole in the ground.
He would have seen it, except he couldn’t. But he totally would have if he’d been careful, despite his inability to see in the low light.
This reminds me of the narrator from A Questing We Will Go. He starts drinking before he sits down to tell the story, and then gets so smashed that he can’t remember what he’s talking about.
“Nara, if this is a joke, it’s not funny…AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
He landed on a giving surface, which had the consistency of dry leather and that cracked under his weight, braking his fall. A slender hand helped him up, and he looked into two big gray-green eyes. The girl seemed unharmed fortunately, and he was more surprised than hurt himself anyway.
I think they just landed on a mummified Totoro. Poor guy got trapped in the tree.
Crunchy will be in the lobby handing out brain bleach smoothies for those whose feels just died a little.
“Are you all right, Thoram?” Inquired Nara.
“Yes, I think so, but what is this place?” He asked.
“I think that we are inside what was the Bio-Castle, and we were lucky to land on that dead thing.” She offered.
Two things: First, as I mentioned back in my first installment, “Bio-Castle” is a game-mechanic term associated with the save point inside the Juggernaut’s stomach. People in Legaia would never call it the Bio-Castle, but instead just call it the Juggernaut, as that’s the actual name for it. In fact, the closest anyone comes to using that term is Vahn, who has a player-chosen reply of “Creature Castle” at one point during the dungeon.
Second, the Juggernaut was nowhere near this area when he died. He had absorbed Rim-Elm by liquefying himself and spreading all over the town, but he didn’t spread much further than that. He literally was the town of Rim Elm at the time he was destroyed.
The boy’s brown eyes widened at the sight.
Of nothing because it’s too dark on the surface to see clearly and now he’s down a hole.
Moving slowly, he held Nara’s hand while he backed away from the said thing.
It was all that remained of a Gilium that had been killed by the castle’s destruction and mummified in the dry air.
For those having trouble picturing that based on the description, imagine a panther deep in a cave at night.
He looked up and saw that the hole from which they had fallen. It wasn’t that far away but certainly out of reach, way too high for them to jump and with no place to climb.
So they fell into a place that has no walls, but just a hole in the top and a dead body down below. I think they literally just fell into the formless void!
He remembered the earthquake that had shaken the region two years before and was probably the cause of that aperture.
Put down the thesaurus and step away! You especially don’t use those kinds of words when temporarily visiting the point-of-view of a six-year-old!
It was just their luck to have stumbled on it, he thought bitterly.
Use this as incentive to not be so mind-blowingly stupid next time, Thoram. If you get a next time.
Personally, I’m hoping a zombie gilium helps solve the Sue problem.
“I thought that all the pits had been closed.” Said Nara.
If you thought that, why the hell did you think it would be fun to come here? Ohhh, wheee, bricked over pits. What fun.
And if they HAD been bricked over, why the massive amount of incompetent guards to keep people away!?
Of all the convoluted, poorly thought-out setups, this is certainly one of them!
“That is not a pit so we’re not even in a tunnel, how are we going to get out?” Wondered the boy.
Called it. It’s not even a pit, so the only other option is the void. Rough break falling from a slightly more distinct part of the void into one of the more ambiguous regions.
Always the optimist, the girl announced, “No problem! We’ll just find a passage that leads upwards.”
He just said that there is no tunnel here! His words are still echoing around the room, nimwit!
Thoram sighed, “And pray tell, how are we going to get past brick and mortar?”
What, the brick and mortar on the surface? I think the bigger problem is that you’re in a… somewhere with no tunnels and no walls to climb up. That’s a way bigger problem than getting past the brick and mortar that cap the pits you don’t have access to.
“We’ll see when we get there, and anyway the pits were closed so nobody can get IN not OUT.
So, we’re just going to pretend that Thoram never said there aren’t any tunnels and instead just assume there are. Gotcha. Not only is the narrator untrustworthy, but so are the characters.
In fact, you may as well imagine your own story in place of this one since you’re not going to be told what’s truly going on here anyway.
You see, you worry too much.” She concluded with certainty.
No, he worries not quite enough. If he worried more, he’d have never come with you on this death-bound escapade in the first place.
The big boy thought
*Taco’s brain screeches to a halt*
“Big boy?” Really, that’s what you’re going with? You know what, fine, let’s just roll with it.
The big boy thought that he worried just the right amount, but said nothing and followed the girl towards an exit from the chamber they were in.
Protip, author: if there is an exit to the chamber you’re currently in, then saying that the room isn’t a tunnel is pointless and misleading.
Also, how can they see? You haven’t-
Surprisingly, they were able to see quite well and they realized that the walls, ceiling, and floor gave a faint greenish illumination.
Wow, half-assed, implausible, and brought up long after it should have been established with setting. Who’s surprised? Anyone? Bueller?
Somewhere in the back of his mind, Thoram remembered a lecture by the elder about ‘cold light’ produced by certain funguses.
None of which grow in caves. But, whatever, at least you tried, author. Next time have them bring something to see in the dark. It’ll save you from having to make this kind of reach.
They walked for a long time but couldn’t find a promising path.
You’re in fucking caves! What kind of path are you expecting? Pick a tunnel that goes in an upular kind of direction and follow it.
Nara paused and pondered, “Maybe we should go back and try to find another passageway.”
Why? Other than being utterly devoid of anything descriptive, what’s wrong with the one you’re in?
“Huh? Nara?” Said Thoram, as he looked back the way they had just come.
“What?” She said and then froze.
Behind them there were two tunnels and her keen eyes allowed her to see that, a little farther, both tunnels branched too. It would be impossible to go back to their starting point, for they had not noticed the forking while they walked.
Stop using “for” that way, it’s pretentious.
Second, how the crap did they not notice the tunnel forking!? That’s like the very basics of caving! Stupid as these two appear to be, at least they should know to keep an eye open for forks!
It’s like they’re trying to get lost just so that the plot doesn’t have to do any work.
“What now?” Inquired the boy.
For once in her short life Nara was at a loss, unable to decide on a course of action. Tired, hungry, thirsty and quite deflated, she let herself fall against the tunnel’s wall.
Thoram sat beside her and proceeded to empty his ample coat’s pockets.
Guess that means we’re loading up a deus ex machina.
He produced a bottle with water, and also dried meat and cheese packed in leaves, followed by a length of rope and a small knife.
Crap, dude, keep digging. Maybe there’s a lantern, map, compass, and expert caving guide in there, too!
“We better go easy on our supplies,” he said gravely, “We don’t know how long we’ll be trapped here.”
Not any longer than the rest of your lives.
“How come you brought all this?” Asked the girl, gratefully accepting what her friend put in her hands.
Plot told him to do it.
“Since we drifted on that raft, I always bring some food and water when I’m with you, just in case.” He stated in a resigned tone of voice.
Rather than, of course, not going with her when she’s bound to do something stupid.
Strange that he didn’t make himself a pack or anything to haul that load in. Probably spent half that trip holding his pants up.
After eating some of the supplies, wisely saving some for later, Thoram shared some candy with her.
You don’t get to use the word “wise” with these two, author. This situation wouldn’t have even happened were it not for their stupidity.
Especially since you followed that comment immediately with them wasting rations because candy.
Realizing that Nara was shivering, he took off his coat and put it around her shoulders.
“What about you, you’re not cold?” She inquired with concern.
“Don’t worry, I’m all right,” he reassured her, “Try to sleep now, we’ll need all our strength to get out of here.”
Why? Why does she need to sleep? Why is getting out of here going to take a lot of strength? You seem to be in a cave that’s cold enough to cause shivering. Staying put is going to cause some serious problems along that line. Now, if it were warm in the cave I could see staying put and hoping that you can see some light come morning, but right now staying put is wasting time and opening you up to hypothermia.
I mean, if you’re going to have these kids act way older than they actually are, at least have them make one good decision at some point.
“I’m sorry.” She said.
What do you mean ‘why’? She caused this mess! If anyone needs to apologize right now, it’s her. She’s basically set you both up to die pretty soon.
“Because this was an awful idea, maybe you’re right and all my ideas are bad.”
Thoram, if you dare, DARE dissuade her from this line of thought, I will gong you in the face. I don’t care that you’re supposed to be six.
“Well, actually many of your ideas are good.
You are a right idiot, Thoram.
Like, remember the time you got my sister Candela and me to lay on the grass, and look at shapes in the clouds?”
Hope you got more than that. You whipped out a string of bad choices several entries long without trying, earlier. You’re gonna need to double that in good ideas to even have somewhat reasonable footing here.
The girl felt reassured at the memory, “Yeah, that was kind of neat.”
The boy continued, “Or when I was sick, and you brought little pieces of wood for me to carve, and you stayed and played with me.”
Okay, that’s two. Keep them coming ‘big boy.’
Gah, that sounds so dirty. What was the author thinking!?
Nara laughed, “Yup! I saved the little figurines you made, you know, they were so cute!”
And that’s it. Two things versus the five he mentioned earlier. And that doesn’t count this one that has a good potential to kill them both. Nope, your argument holds no water, Thoram.
She then leaned on him and promptly fell asleep. In spite of his size and strength Thoram was still a child, and he was scared and felt like crying.
Too little, too late, fic. You aren’t even the same universe as age-appropriate characterization for this kid.
Looking at Nara, he decided to follow her example and be brave. For she was always brave and never shed tears.
She isn’t brave, she’s vapid. Literally too stupid to be scared. You’re not many brain cells away from being right there with her.
So he wiped the wetness from his eyes, and after a while slumber claimed him too.
The girl woke up at some point and wept softly, bitterly regretting having dragged her best friend into such a mess.
Oh. Ah. What a juxtaposition.
She missed not being safely tucked in her own bed, and not having kissed her little sister Lyra good night. Thinking that at least she was safe back at home, and also glad that Candela had not come with them, she felt comforted and fell asleep again.
Kept the body count down to only two. Definitely something to be thankful for.
Farther, much farther down the corridor the two youngsters were in, something stirred.
It had been dormant for more than seven years, and now it felt a draft of fresh air and the faint smell of flesh.
This will be the simseru. Which doesn’t make any sense at all, but I’ll get into that once the author makes his “big” reveal.
Speaking of which: if you’re going after a plot twist and want people to actually be surprised, don’t put the subject of the twist in the title of your fic.
The smell of young, healthy, tender human flesh.
Oh I hope this thing is planning to eat them, otherwise… ew.
And with that, chapter one comes to-
End chapter 01
Oh you have to be fucking kidding me! Did you think we would’t be able to figure that out when there was no more chapter to read!?