1351: My Little Unicorn: Magic is Believing (That still means nothing) Chapter 12

Title: My Little Unicorn:  Magic Is Believing
Author: Dakari-King Mykan
Media: Cartoon
Topic: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL:  Chapter 12
Critiqued by Erttheking

Cornelia: The last chapter actually got me hopeful that it was going to end. That was a cruel twist Mykan pulled on us.

Nora: Even with the other chapters up?

Cornelia: I said hoped, not thought.

Goeth: Whine later, work now.

A new chapter of magic

Cornelia: I guess this means we were in a chapter of magic before? And if that’s the case, did the previous eleven chapters all count as a “chapter of magic” or is this one special?

EPISODE TWELVE

It had been weeks since the showdown with Titan took place, and since then not a single new monster had appeared.

Nora: Despite the fact it was made clear that all of Titan’s minions were still out and about. I guess they’ve all being doing one stereotypical thing non-stop for the last 14-28 days.

All of Unicornicopia was overjoyed with their victory, but kept well in mind it was possible that Titan was still alive.

Nora: Something that they know because bullshit. Seriously, either they should know for a fact that he’s a goner, or they should know that the trick he did was a teleportation move of some kind.

and that his minions were still out there. Nevertheless… things continued.

Goeth: The narrator said, temporarily forgetting his/her lines.

Lightning continued to study,

Cornelia: I remember him studying once and not doing it to any great degree.

and work his duties as town helper.

Nora: Is this the one that doubles as community organizer, or the one that allows Mykan to do whatever he wants with him?

Cornelia: Probably the latter, it’s a good way to shoehorn his Stu into whatever plot developments he cooks up.

He also now had more time to help Krysta search for her home world. “If only we had some sort of clue that could help us.” Lightning said.

Goeth: Like her telling you how exactly she got lost in the first place. But we’ll never find it.

“That would make it easier.” added Krysta “Still… I’m not so sure…”

“Not sure about what…?”

Krysta hesitated for a moment, and then admitted that as exciting as it would be to learn of her origins and discover who she really was, “What would I say…? What would I do…? My entire life might change forever.”

Nora: Nah. Finding the family, species and home that you’ve been separated from for most of your life? You’d be back to the old 9-5 grind by tomorrow, you wouldn’t even remember – YES IT WOULD CHANGE YOUR LIFE! THAT’S THE POINT!

Goeth: Heh. Does the poor dear say that eating food might give her nutrients too?

Krysta clearly had a case of the nerves.

Goeth: NERVES!? Don’t worry! I’ll get it out. *Rip* There we go. Ever single nerve in her body is out.

Cornelia: … I’m going to be sick

It was as if she didn’t know if she really wanted to discover her roots or not.

Nora: Is it or is it not like that? Don’t be wishy washy and give us a straight answer.

Cornelia: She doesn’t have any real reason to not find her roots. Honestly it just seems like the weak justification for a conflict this week.

Nora: Probably. This is the story that made nightmares a great threat.

“Well, first we have to find it.” Lightning said “Who knows…? It may not even exist if we can’t find any records of it.”

Goeth: *Snort* Does he assume Krysta was spontaneously formed out of the ether?

Cornelia: I’m not ready to go down that stupid well, it looks way too deep.

Even so, they still had other things to worry about- like when and where the next attack would come and what would it be?

Nora: Are they concerned about a possible attack or a certain attack? You gotta pick one and stick with it, you can’t have both.

Titan minions were very outraged and somewhat depressed since the supposed downfall of their leader, and decide to avenge his defeat, only they didn’t know how without his guidance.

They didn’t even bother to try using the magic dust to make more monsters. They just weren’t powerful enough.

Cornelia: Since when has that ever been a factor? They just sprinkled it on before, Titan didn’t do anything special to help prepare it.

Nora: Usually this brand of stupidity, namely not using all of your assets, is reserved for Lightning in this story. Well other people too, but mostly him.

Fortunately, Titan left a note to his minions in case something would happen to him.

Goeth: That was extremely forward thinking of him. So who really wrote it?

Nora: Considering what Ert said in the last chapter, the Grand Ruler is a good bet.

The note turned out to be a map of something had hidden somewhere in the Dimension of Darkness that would ensure his minions could carry on. They had been wandering for what seemed like a long time.

Cornelia: OW! The word seemingly is so forced in these stories I feel like I just got smacked in the head with a mallet.

(Seemingly Counter: 3)

Cornelia: So in reality it’s only a short time right?

“Are you sure we’re on course?” groaned Rep-Stallion. “My hooves are killing me.”

Dementia felt she needed a pedicure real bad on her hove rims.

Nora: Not even gonna touch that one.

“Will you two knock it off!” snapped Mysterious “According to this, Lord Titan hid his secret somewhere around here.”

Goeth: No wait, it said he only seemingly hid it around here.

Cornelia: And from the way they’re wording it, the map doesn’t say what the secret is. Something that only makes sense when you’re keeping things secret from the reader.

They searched around the decayed ruins, shoving the rocks and soils out of the way. “Eww…!” cried Dementia “Now I need more than a makeover after this.”

Nora: What? It’s rocks and soil. Those are everywhere you walk.

The other just ignored her and kept on searching. Suddenly, Rep-Stallion felt this scythe clang into something. “Hey I found something…!” he hollered.

Nora: “MORE ROCKS!”

The others rushed over to see him pull out a small box.

Cornelia: Out of the formless void apparently. It’s funny, a dimension of darkness would be the best place to have it be an actual formless void. But no.

“What do you think it is…?” asked Mysterious.

Goeth: You see Mysterious, boxes are a mysterious invention from the Dark Age of Technology. It’s main purpose is to hold things. The sad thing is that he probably really is asking about the box.

Nora: Wouldn’t put it past him.

They were about to find out as the box began to glow, and spin round and around, faster and faster… and it opened giving off a bright flash of light as three glowing balls emerged from the box, and flew around the minions in circles.

Cornelia: Question. This thing. Whatever it is. Why didn’t Titan use it before?

Nora: I get the feeling that the earlier comment about not using resources is going to cover Titan soon. And because Mykan didn’t think of it.

“What’s happening…?” asked Mysterious.

“I feel strange…?” cried Rep-Stallion.

“Wait…! Listen…!” said Dementia.

Goeth: One sec. *Puts on stethoscope*

Goeth: Meh, I can’t hear anything.

Ert: THE MOON! THE MOON HAS EYES!

Goeth: Well there he goes again.

Titan’s voice could be heard as the magic balls hover over the minions’ heads…

Cornelia: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH! AHAHAHAHAHA!

Nora: *Snort* Please tell us more about Titan’s magic balls.

“My minions…! If you have found these hidden spheres, means I am no longer with you, but the war against our enemies must continue.

Nora: Or I decided to grow a brain and give it to you anyway. Or this is a business call, in which case, leave a message after the beep.

These spheres shall provide you with the power you need, but you must beware of how you use them.”

Cornelia: Ok. How do they need to do that?

“Go now… and continue the reign of chaos.”

Cornelia: He’s not telling them. In fact he’s not even telling them what powers they’re getting.

Goeth: We need a term for this. When an author tells us something but in reality the information we’ve gained is hollow. It’s just a bridge for the real information.

As Titan’s voice faded, the minions were bathed in glowing flares of light from the spheres.

Nora: Again, light doesn’t really fit Titan’s motif.

Buddy Rose was working in his garden and Lightning and Krysta were helping him and Artie was there painting a picture of some of the flowers. “What do you think…?” he asked when he was finished.

Nora: The stereotypes were doing their stereotype things

“It’s beautiful…!” exclaimed Krysta

Goeth: Krysta was secretly lying as the abomination before her filled her with the urge to violently snap the portrait in half before dissolving it in acid.

“If I didn’t know better, I’d say those were really my flowers.” added Buddy Rose.

Cornelia: That’s concerning. I doubt a man who lives in a land this saccharine could draw anything of value. Which makes me wonder how low your standards are.

Artie thanked them for the compliments, but now he was starting to feel bored. All these weeks of nothing really exciting happening, which wasn’t exactly bad as it meant the kingdom was safe. “I know how you feel…” Lightning said “I’d like to see some action soon too.”

That’s when the alarms went off,

Nora: You just had to open your fucking mouth, didn’t you Lightning? In fact, what the Hell is wrong with you? What kind of a sick, twisted mind do you have that you honestly say “Oh gee, I really hope there’s another terrorist attack soon. I’m BORED!” Do you want to get beaten to a pulp until you’re lightly bruised but not really hurt again? Do you want to fear for the life of your friends? That does it, I’m mad. GOETH!

Goeth: No take backs! *Flies off*

and everyone began to evacuate and head for shelter. “Uh… I didn’t mean right this minute.” Lightning called,

Nora: Oh, let me reschedule the terrorist attack so it’s at a time that’s more convenient for you. At a time when you’re “in the mood” for one. Fucking little shit.

Cornelia: Easy Nora, you’re not Ert.

Nora: Hey I don’t normally do this, this was just crossing a line.

but he and others gazed up at tower searchlights to see where the direction of the disturbance was. “Hey…!” cried Artie “It’s coming from Orange-Range. My hometown..!”

Cornelia: Range is Orange with the O taken out. That’s not clever. Because when have you ever called a town a “range”? Or does Artie live in a “a large area of open land for grazing or hunting”?

“Well what are we waiting for?” snapped Buddy-Rose, and off they all went.

Orange Range was almost pretty much like being in a western terrain.

Cornelia: Mykan’s prose really couldn’t be any more wishy washy if it tried. It’s “pretty much like” a western terrain (a prairie?) but it’s only “almost” pretty much like it.

Nora: Why stop there? Why not say it’s “almost pretty much like except in a few spots but mostly for the most part sometimes but only not rarely like a western terrain”?

Not much grass, but plenty of water-holes and orange trees all in groves too,

Cornelia: Why does Mykan think that the west (Just the west, not the Old West, so apparently he’s talking about the western world and if he’s not we’re not correcting him.) has orange trees?

but that was exactly where the trouble was coming from. The gang could see it as they neared the danger area. “The groves…!” cried Artie “They’re on fire…!”

Cornelia: *Snort* Danger zone.

Goeth: Like my handiwork?

Nora: For once, yes!

“Let’s put it out…!” cried Krysta.

Nora: No, let’s leave it burning. It’s pretty.

Goeth: *Sighs* It really is.

“No! Wait…!” said Lightning. As he and the others flew in closer they couldn’t smell the smoke, and the flames didn’t even feel hot. “It’s just an illusion.”

Goeth: Hehehehehehe. He’s in denial.

No sooner had the illusions of the flames faded out did Titan’s three minions appear. “You guys again!” snarled Lightning.

Cornelia: Why is it that every time these three do something, Lightning and his random friends of the day are the only ones who show up? I think we need to expand Ert’s theory. I think the Grand Ruler is blocking his military forces so that he can watch his student fight for his life.

Goeth: Discount Hunger Games/Battle Royale/Running Man/Death Race in other words? I’d probably watch it if nothing else was on, but I’d only be paying attention half of the time.

Mysterious sniggered, “My but it’s a lovely day.” He teased, and that made everyone realize that, a shadow, was indeed out in the open sunlight and not being damaged. “How’s that possible…?” asked Buddy Rose.

Nora: Him not being able to be in sunlight was one of the three interesting ideas that Mykan managed to come up with (In his entire life). So obviously he had to get rid of it as soon as possible.

“Oh, that’s the least of your troubles.” said Rep-Stallion “In just a few moments… you’ll really be in trouble.”

Cornelia: I think Rep-Stallion is in dire need of expanding his vocabulary.

Nora: Everyone is.

The gang stood ready. “All right…! So where is this new monster of yours…?” asked Lightning

Dementia giggled “Whoever said it was going to be a monster? You’re fighting us…!” Her eyes began to glow, and so did Mysterious and Rep’s.

Nora: Hey you can’t do that! You’re supposed to summon a monster and run away when it dies! TEACHER! TEACHER THEY’RE CHEATING!

“What’s going on…?” asked Krysta, but she and the others got their answer as the evil unicorns entire bodies began to morph into mysterious human-shaped creatures,

Goeth: A little odd considering that they don’t know what humans are. Or has half of their country been conquered by humans and the Grand Ruler just didn’t tell anyone except Lightning?

Cornelia: Your disturbing genocide fantasies aside, I can honestly see the Grand Ruler doing that if it did happen.

Nora: Considering that these unicorns regularly stand on their hind legs, it really isn’t that big of a jump to be “Human shaped” anyway.

wearing armor, helmets, capes, and they also looked much stronger. The gang just stared in awe and were rather speechless.

Nora: Why? “They look stronger.” Yeah how? Unless you can explain that, everyone is awed because of a wardrobe change.

“Take a good look at us now…!” hissed Mysterious “The tables are about to turn on you and your pitiful believing.”

Cornelia: I have to say, every attempt that they have made to be intimidating has fallen flat. It doesn’t help that Mykan seems to intentionally be making his villains as lame as possible.

Rep-Stallion grasped his new double-bladed scythe

Goeth: I’m sorry what? A scythe is already an impractical combat weapon, it’s why you only see it in fantasy stories like RWBY or Bleach. It’s just silly in something like this. Also I’d like to see exactly where the second blade is, Mykan probably made it so that this scythe looks like a very awkward pick axe.

and held it high. “Lord Titan shall be avenged, and our reign will carry on.”

Nora: What reign? Your reign over the dimension of darkness? Because you certainly didn’t have a reign over anything else.

Dementia clenched her fists sight

Nora: You do that.

“Let’s do this thing…!” she hissed and they began to charge forth. “Come on! Let’s get them…!” snapped Lightning and he and his friends charged forth.

Cornelia: We already know that it’s not going to go well for them (at least right away) but I don’t know why they’re so slow that they themselves haven’t figured this out.

Nora: They’ve got the memory and attention span of their creator.

Cornelia: Ow.

Buddy-Rose went after Dementia “How would the pretty lady like some pretty flowers…? PETAL DANCE…!”

Goeth: Petals are only part of a flower Buddy. Let’s open our textbooks to page 152. You also need a bud, a stem and roots.

He fired his razor-leaves

Cornelia: You know, Taco has been pointing out how all of these attacks have been ripping off Pokemon, and now we’ve got one that rips off two Pokemon moves at once. Man Mykan, you just don’t care, do you? This is without getting into the fact that petals are not leaves.

but Dementia’s new armor merely deflected them right off of her. “Huh…?”

Nora: Petals/leaves can’t penetrate armor? WHAT SORCERY IS THIS!?

Dementia winked at him. “Why, thank you…!” she teased “Now allow me to return the favor. DANCE OF ICE…!” She twirled round and around on one foot like a skilled dancer

Nora: Thrilling description there.

Goeth: So skilled that she can spin. *Raises axe* Let’s see her do it with ONLY one foot.

creating and blizzard-wave of snow and ice that blew right at Buddy, “Whoa…! AAAHH! That’s cold!” he cried. Some of the ice crystals were large and rammed into his armor, pushing him back.

Cornelia: So her new and improved attack pushed him back and made him cold. Titan is kind of like the Bowler Hat Guy from Meet the Robinsons isn’t he?

Cornelia: Except we’re supposed to take him seriously. Which ironically makes him an even bigger joke.

Goeth: Give BHG some credit, at least he had some imagination. Using a time machine to set a T-Rex on his enemy is more creative than anything Mykan will come up with. Speaking of which, I need a time machine. I need a dinosaur that isn’t sentient.

Dementia was enjoying this.

Goeth: Don’t care.

Artie and Rep-Stallion were going at it hard.

Nora: USE PROTECTION!

His scythe against Artie’s big brush spear…

They met in a struggle, but Rep managed to get the upper hand and shove Artie of the way, stripping him of his spear in the process.

Cornelia: Wow. I just … wow. Do we have to label this part of the story as NSFW?

Goeth: So THAT’S where Mykan’s suppressed sexuality went. I had a feeling. A good portion of homophobes are dealing with homosexual feelings themselves.

Rep sniggered as he used his scythe blades to slash it into splinters. “No…!” shouted Artie “That’s it! Now I’m angry…!

Nora: And I am irritated, except I have other means of expressing it than announcing it.

Cornelia: I am mildly amused.

Goeth: I’m bored. I hope a terrorist attacks.

Cornelia: Why do you want to be attacked?

Goeth: Who said anything about ME being attacked?

PAINT BOMBS…!” and he launched a swarm of his explosive blobs. Not a single one missed and Rep-Stallion was buried in the explosions. Artie panted and puffed, but as the smoke settled, “Huh…? It can’t be!”

Cornelia: Ok Mykan, writing 102 (I’m pretty sure we said 101 somewhere else, so time for the next class). You need to establish things. The smoke settled? We didn’t know there was smoke in the first place. You need to say something like “The explosions engulfed Rep-Stallion, a cloud of smoke blocking him from view” in order to establish that the smoke is actually there.

Rep-Stallion stood there without even an ash on him. He just smiled wickedly, “Hmm, mm, mm…! My turn! THE BITE OF LIGHTNING…!” Whirling his staff round and around like a propeller above his head,

Nora: *Snort* Why are so many of Mykan’s lines unintentionally hilarious?

he conjure dup heavy bolts of lightning which Artie almost had a hard time dodging. “Whoa…! Hey…! Ho…! Yah…!”

Goeth: Wishy washy narration strikes again!

Cornelia: So Artie wasn’t having a hard time dodging them. Because almost means something and Mykan doesn’t seem to understand that.

Lightning and Krysta were about to have their own hard luck dealing with Mysterious. The evil creature stared them down and approached them slowly “Look… Lightning Dawn just accept the fact that you and your friends can’t beat us now… It’s easier that way.”

Nora: Now? What makes now so special? What’s happening is that their attacks aren’t doing anything to you and your attacks are causing minor discomfort. Just like every other time you fight! Nothing has changed, despite all of the fanfare that this power-up was given.

Lightning and Krysta refused to give in and decided to take their chances. “Here I come, ready or not.” shouted Lightning as he dashed forward and on all fours, but Mysterious just stood where he was, not moving an inch, and actually let Lightning ram into him, despite still being a shadow,

Goeth: That’s cheating, Mykan. A shadow is the absence of light. Specifically because a solid object is blocking light. The way that you’re describing him it sounds like he’s more of a smoke monster than a shadow monster.

Cornelia: Let’s not go down that path.

and he didn’t stop until he had whammed Mysterious right up against a large pole.

Nora: A conveniently random pole in the middle of a grove.

“Yeah…! Way to go Lightning!” cried Krysta, but then to her and Lightning’s shock. Mysterious, unfazed by the attack, grabbed Lightning by the horn, and gave him a huge toss the other way.

Cornelia: Gave him a huge toss? How do you do that? Is he supposed to put it in his apartment?

“UGH…! AH…!”

Krysta was livid and felt a burst of rage building up inside her.

Ert: Fuck, GUYS! The DRD finally finished their space program and they’re pissed from that time that Goeth launched a chemical attack on their HQ!

John Freeman Who Was Henry Freeman’s Father: John Freeman swinged Crowbar at Combine shipspace!

She angrily turned to face Mysterious, but realizing how large he was, she quickly backed off like a scared cat.

Nora: Did he grow or is Krysta’s memory faulty?

Cornelia: And she backed off like this?

Lightning, wasn’t too hurt,

Nora: That does it.

(Attacks Do Nothing Counter: 1)

but he couldn’t believe how strong Mysterious and the others were.

Cornelia: They really don’t seem that much different than before. The problem is that every single fight in this story never let anyone get hurt, so it was basically people whacking each other with bags of styrofoam pellets. Now the evil trio has a bigger bag of pellets and we’re supposed to be scared because of it.

Buddy Rose and Artie huddled close with him. “What are we going to do…?” asked Artie.

“That’s easy…” Mysterious sniggered as he waved his arms round and around

Goeth: He’s windmilling his arms. Intimidating.

“Sit back and have a taste of my new power… THE HAMMER OF EVIL…!” With his shout, dark waves of intense energy formed over his head.

Goeth: Pft. Calling himself evil. He’s like an edgy five year old.

Cornelia. Mysterious or Mykan?

Goeth: Yes.

“LOOK OUT…!” cried Krysta, and she and others scattered out of the way before the blast hit them, making a huge crater in the ground where they were. Lightning was more devastated than ever. “I can’t believe they have that much magic and power!”

Cornelia: I have to say, after the whole DBZ Kamehameha moment in the last chapter, this feels rather underwhelming.

Nora: Wow, they made a hole around them! I can’t wait for all of their attacks to not connect/not do that much damage.

All three of the evil ones stood together and slowly crept towards the helpless gang, snickering and glaring at them with evil eyes.

Goeth: What’s an evil eye? Is it blue, red, yellow, pus-stained? Evil doesn’t describe appearance.

“Which should we take out first…?” Dementia wondered aloud. “How about all of them at once…?” chuckled Rep-Stallion “Just what I was thinking…” hissed Mysterious.

Cornelia: They’re taking time to talk about who they’re going to kill. A spoiler that they’re not going to kill anyone, because if they were serious about it, they would’ve done it already.

Nora: When making your villains threatening, don’t channel Dr. No.

Just as they were about to fire, they were attacked from the side by many attacks…

Cornelia: No one was surprised.

“STAR SHOWER…!”

“BOOM-BOOM ROCKETS…!” A swarm of firework rockets…!

“DRILL QUILL…!”

Goeth: How come Boom Boom Rockets got a description? Is Mykan trying to make commentary on affirmative action? He’s racist enough.

All those attacks struck the evil ones, and managed to actually shove them back a bit.

Nora: Stop using evil as an adjective. And sure, we’ll let this one count.

(Attacks Do Nothing Counter: 2)

The gang looked and saw most of their friends, who heard the danger and came to help.

Cornelia: Were they in the area for no reason and they just happened to overhear this? Or did they hear it from the next town over? Either way, it’s a Dues Ex Machina, through and through.

“Starla…!”

“Dyno and Myte…!”

Nora: Are they reminding everyone of their names? I can’t tell, it could be Lightning and everyone else saying their names out loud to ensure the audience that they totally didn’t forget.

“Never fear,”
Rhymey is here…!

Ert: FUCK!

The others had never been so happy to see their friends,

Nora: Namely because they usually hated to see them because of how annoying they are.

and in such timing, but now was not the time to exchange in pleasantries. The minions were still unharmed by the blasts. “So, now you’re all together…? How marvelous.” chuckled Mysterious.

Cornelia: These guys laugh so much I’m convinced they have a condition of some kind.

“Now we can get rid of you all in one easy swoop.” said Dementia.

Goeth: Of course you will. *Rubs Dementia’s head* Yes you will! Yes you will!

Nora: If they could finish them all off before, how come they didn’t wait until everyone had showed up to take them out? Their incredibly flimsy lure always seems to work, there was no reason to jump without looking.

Rep-Stallion chuckled and licked the blades of his scythe.

Goeth: Promptly slicing his tongue open.

Cornelia: Is this for ages 0-3 or is it trying to be dark and edgy? Because licking weapons works in the latter, but everything else doesn’t.

“Let’s get them!” They all charged forward, when suddenly they stopped. Next they were groaning and moaning as they held their heads in pain and fell to their knees.

“What’s happening to them…?” asked Starla.

Nora: Can’t you read? They’re holding their heads in pain.

Goeth: It’s a good idea to put a leash of some kind on your superpowered combatants. The problem is that you’re only supposed to tug on the leash when they’re not behaving.

“They seemed so strong and fierce before,
But they don’t seem to be anymore.” said Rhymey

Cornelia: You don’t know that. You just got here. And no they didn’t, no more than they usually did, anyway.

It was their new powers. The minions hadn’t practiced with their new strengths and had really mastered them too well. That’s why they were suddenly so weak

Nora: And the narration just magically knows all of this how? A few more things. One. Why didn’t Titan mention this before? Two. Since when has this ever been a thing? We’ve never seen anyone practicing with their powers before. Three. Mykan once again refuses to let his villains do anything of impact and refuses to let his protagonists defeat them in a way that’s reasonable and clever.

… and before anyone knew it. The minions had changed back to their normal forms.

“This can’t be!” growled Mysterious “Our powers failed us…!”

Goeth: “It can’t be?” You’re just spewing out random cliches now. If you’re going to be a villain, put some OOMPH into what you say. Say something like “My new powers failed me? That does it, Jimmy from R&D is getting launched into the sun!”

Nora: That explains more than it should.

Cornelia: While we’re on that topic, why can’t it be? Why can’t the random thingie that you found and that gave you a new form somehow fail you? Tell me.

“Uh, Mysterious…!” cried Rep “That’s not our only problem.”

The gang now stood with the odds in their favor. “My how the tables have turned.” teased Lightning.

Cornelia: Not really. Last chapter you fought them without their new powers and you couldn’t beat them. What’s changed?

“You guys are in some trouble now.” added Krysta. With the gang’s powers still high, the minions wouldn’t stand a chance in their condition.

Nora: Yes, they most certainly are high.

Goeth: Energy levels are something this story keeps bringing up without ever explaining.

Dementia whimpered nervously “Listen uh… this has been fun… but uh…”

“Let’s go!” snapped Mysterious “You haven’t seen the last of us!” Then they all disappeared.

Cornelia: Why is it in lousy shows, the villain always has an ability that allows them to run away at the last second and keep the story going much longer than it should?

Nora: Because the story makes no sense and would logically end otherwise.

The gang all sighed in relief for they had won today only by a stroke of luck.

Nora: Just because you acknowledge it, doesn’t make it any less stupid.

It was now obvious that the minions were much stronger but would need time to master their new powers. “What can we do about it…?” asked Dyno.

“Aye… I don’t know. I don’t.” answered Myte “Even our best assaults… they don’t do much.”

Goeth: They never did much, I don’t know why it’s only a problem now.

Even Lightning had no clue of what to do, except one thing. “We need to see The Grand Ruler… Now…!”

Cornelia: You think that this is an option they would’ve explored before.

It was in vain that the others tried to talk Lightning out of it. The Grand Ruler was very busy, so busy, that would have to write to him in advance to request an audience.

Nora: No he is not. What is he doing that’s so important? Writing up tax laws? Drawing up the budget? We have never seen this guy do anything that would take up the majority of his time.

So they all headed up to The Grand Ruler’s floating palace in the skies.

Goeth: Which was called palace Icarus.

The reason it was kept so high was so he could observe and watch over the entire kingdom from up above, and to help him keep track of the night and day with ease.

Cornelia: He’ll be able to see if a city spontaneously combusts, but apart from that not much else. I mean he’s high enough to see an entire country. Even if it’s a smaller country, (and knowing Mykan, I doubt that) that’s too high to see anything with the naked eye.

The guards, however, wouldn’t let them in. Not even when Lightning explained “I am The Grand Ruler’s apprentice.”

“We know…” snapped one of the guards

Nora: You’re … whatshisface right?

“But his majesty left strict rules; no entry without admittance.”

Ert: He’s doing this on purpose. He’s intentionally being as unhelpful as possible on purpose.

That’s when the large gate doors opened wide. “Let them in…!” echoed his majesty’s voice.

Cornelia: You think that he would’ve given his guards specific orders about this.

The guard’s turned, and that’s when the gang shoved their way in. “You heard him…” said Lightning.

Nora: Oh knock it off. They were following orders. The orders your asshole teacher gave them. Is it their fault that the Grand Ruler changes his mind on a whim?

Cornelia: Ok, I need to check something. Has the Grand Ruler appointed any non-sentient animals positions of power?

They walked down the entrance hall to the big doors at the end, which opened wide and showed the Grand Ruler sitting on his throne.

Nora: Yeah. Sitting on his throne with no one else around. REAL BUSY!

He stood upright as the gang bowed to him and he bowed back. “Your majesty…! Forgive us for this intrusion…” Lightning said.

“It’s all right…” his mentor assured them all “I had expected you would come…”

Goeth: But he was too busy fiddling while watching a city burn to let his guards know that. (Actually Nero wasn’t even in Rome when it was being consumed by fire. That was a rumor started by the fact that he wasn’t very popular and the fact that the part of the city that was destroyed he had wanted to tear down.)

he clapped his front hooves twice and his servants brought out a small feast that was prepared in anticipation of the arrivals.

Cornelia: Wait, is this really appropriate? They have important information, they can eat after. And did the guards not wonder who the feast was for?

As they ate through the feast, Grand Ruler came straight to the point,

Cornelia: Ew.

he had seen everything and he, too, was most disturbed by what was now happening.

Ert: … How? Does he have some kind of magical crystal ball that he can look into and see everything? Or super-vision? Don’t tell me he’s leaning off of the edge of his castle with a telescope.

“As you all had witnessed, it will take time for Titan’s minions to master and control their newfound powers, but rest assured they will.”

Nora: Or maybe their powers are too much to use, period, and it causes damage to their bodies, but the narration said they just needed to learn, so everyone else magically knows that. Beginning to think the Grand Ruler has a copy of the script lying around somewhere.

That would be very bad for everyone.

Goeth: Well except for them of course. I guess they don’t count as a part of everyone. THE GRAND RULER HAS SPOKEN!

Ert: Christ. First mandatory exercises, and now he’s creating unpersons? Are you SURE he doesn’t have a daily Two Minutes Hate? Right after a nice glass of Victory Jin?

They were barely able to so much as even force them back during the battle that day. If they powered up, they’d be almost impossible to beat. “What can we do about it?” asked Starla.

Nora: They did power up. I’m not sure why you said “if.”

“Can’t we increase our powers too?” asked Buddy Rose.

“Precisely…” said Grand Ruler. Everyone gazed at him in curiosity as he explained that it would not be easy “All of you follow me…” he said.

Ert: Oh you’ve gotta be fucking kidding me.

He led everyone to a large stone doorway hidden deep within the palace, near the tip-top of the highest tower in the center.

Cornelia: Mykan does know that “deep” usually doesn’t mean high up right?

Nora: Cornelia, of course he doesn’t. He’s too busy plotting the death of Twilight Sparkle for some reason I can’t comprehend.

In the door were three special keyholes that only Grand Ruler could open by inserting his three horns into the holes and giving a small glow of magic.

Ert: OH MY CHRIST MYKAN! Masturbate before you write!

The doors opened wide, and everyone saw a mystical waving vortex. “Wow…!” exclaimed Krysta.

“Incredible…” added Lightning. All the others just stared in awe and Grand Ruler cautioned them “Step forward, but do not touch at any cost.”

Everyone gazed into the waving vortex and could see many places out in the dimensional void.

Nora: Who the hell keeps a dimensional void in their attic?

Goeth: *Cough*

Nora: Don’t know why I even bothered asking.

These were all the many of world’s dimensions in the dimensional universe where they lived; Unicornicopia was located near the center.

Ert: Because nepotism.

“I think I recognize this…” said Lightning “It’s the dimensional gateway I came through when I first arrived here in Unicornicopia.

Cornelia: Why didn’t he know that he entered this world through the Grand Ruler’s palace? How do you forget something like that?

Grand Ruler nodded and explained that this was how he was able to travel through to other dimensions and explore. He had traveled around quite a bit in his time, but there were still many places out there even he did not know of.

Nora: This multiple dimensions things still hasn’t contributed to the story, with the partial exception of the Dimension of Darkness. So what the hell is its purpose now?

“What does this have to do with us?” asked Starla.

Grand Ruler explained that when first arrived to create and colonize Unicornicopia, he had forged a set of treasures he called The Rainbow Stones, which were infused with the very essence of the rainbow force and Grand Ruler’s magic and wisdom.

Goeth: How do you infuse something with wisdom? Especially when you have none?

Cornelia: Shots fired.

He felt that someday they would be very useful, but decided against to keeping them as it would draw attention to evil ones.

Nora: This hurts already. There were no “Evil ones” except for Titan, who was sealed away. And he just … oh Christ, just read it.

Not willing to allow the dark forces to get their hands on the rainbow stones or even to guess of their existence, he scattered them across several dimensions.

Cornelia: And how does he know that there aren’t evil forces out there? He doesn’t. And why did he even make these things in the first place if he was just going to put them somewhere he couldn’t easily access?

Nora: This isn’t a character doing logical things. This is Mykan forcing the Grand Ruler to do things so there can be a plot.

Ert: Or just deliberately creating a situation where he can force Lightning to dance for his amusement.

The others were starting to realize what this meant. “You mean… we have to go… out there…?” asked Artie.

Goeth: No. Because he can just make more. He’s not going to though.

“In time you will.” Grand Ruler answered. “These stones should provide you all with the necessary forces to help you in your upcoming conflicts with Titan’s minions.”

Nora: And for some reason I only brought this up NOW and not when Titan first came back. I could probably have nipped that problem in the bud, but NAH!

“But, what are we supposed to do in the meantime?” asked Lightning

“Yeah, what if the minions return and we don’t have the power?” added Krysta.

Goeth: Roll over and die I suppose. Or get the Grand Ruler to help. HA!

Grand Ruler chuckled and got down on all fours, bowed his head, and concentrated. His golden horns glowed, and then right up through the floor magically appeared a white and violet shinning stone- one of the rainbow stones to be precise.

Cornelia: If it’s a rainbow stone, how come it’s only two colors?

Nora; Maybe Mykan is colorblind … or just stupid. Probably stupid.

“But how…?” asked Dyno.

“You said you hid the stones.” added Myte

Grand Ruler chuckled “I never said that I had hid all of them.”

Ert: So you were sitting on it this the whole time. Now it’s multiple levels of stupid. Not like they could’ve used that during the fight with Titan or anything. I’d say this is like the Zeo Crystal in Power Rangers, except Zordan was smart enough to remember where it was.

The stone he had was one of four stones, which each contained two of the eight colors of the rainbow.

Nora: Yeah, white is well known for being part of the rainbow.

Goeth: White is ALL colors as a matter of fact. Do your homework Mr. Mykan.

The one stone they had now was white and violet, and would have the power to increase their magic, but it would only do so if the stone itself deemed them all worthy as another one of Grand Ruler’s safety measures.

Ert: “Safety measures” In other words, “Mykan needed reason number 351 to stretch out the false drama.” And what do you need to do in order to be deemed worthy?

“Just close your eyes and look deep inside you.”

The unicorns all did as they were told, and closed their eyes and the stone began to glow and give of colorful sparkling waves.

Cornelia: And they can see this through their closed eyes.

The waves flew in great circles above the gang, then the sparkles gently settled into them, and all was quiet.

The unicorns opened their eyes, but they didn’t feel any different. “What happened…?” asked Starla.

Nora: The waves flew in – oh forget it. Magical BS happened, that’s what. You got the Macguffin and obtained your next form or something.

“I don’t feel any stronger than I did before.” said Buddy Rose.

“Perhaps the magic didn’t work,
The stone would not give us the perk.” said Rhymey.

Ert: THAT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE YOU FUCKING ZECORA RIP OFF!

Grand Ruler assured them that the stone did grant them its help, whether they felt it or not. “All will be made clear to you in time.” he assured them “Krysta… you are not a unicorn but rest assured that you have also been gifted and in time, you will also obtain the answers you seek.”

Cornelia: Does this guy do anything other than make cryptic remarks and goof off when he’s supposed to be working? No, no he doesn’t.

Krysta bowed to him, and the others did too.

“Just remember…” Grand Ruler continued “No matter what magic you may face, no matter what hardship you may endure, or whatever evil force you come into contact with… your courage, faith, believing, and you’re good intentions are the greatest gifts that could ever be found within you that other force can take from you. They will always be there when you need them… as will I.” He bowed to the gang and they bowed to him again.

Ert: Was that supposed to be an aseop? Because it’s the same generic, poorly defined one that you’ve been hammering in since this story started, and at this crucial, turning of the tides moment, it’s not particularly fitting.

Yet another new chapter had begun in the fight against evil for the unicorns.

Nora: Yeah, we’ve had 12 of those now. They all sucked.

Author’s response:

To Buddy Kieth…

NO! I have to finish this…! Not becuase of the mockers but for my relief!

Nora: In what world would a person finish a story for their mockers?

Ert: Bizarro World?

Cornelia: So I guess the next few chapters are going to be about them going into other dimensons. I think. The story didn’t explain it very well.

Nora: We’re going to find out, one way or another. But I get the sneaking feeling that it’s going to be more of the same. I have this feeling. It’s called common sense.

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99 Comments on “1351: My Little Unicorn: Magic is Believing (That still means nothing) Chapter 12”

  1. SC says:

    And if that’s the case, did the previous eleven chapters all count as a “chapter of magic” or is this one special.

    This chapter is special like Specs’ brain crammed to capacity with swords.

    I think we understand what that means.

  2. SC says:

    THE MOON! THE MOON HAS EYES!

    Taco, Ert_The_King.zip got corrupted again.

  3. SC says:

    John Freeman Who Was Henry Freeman’s Father: John Freeman swinged Crowbar at Combine shipspace!

    Once again, John Freeman Gordon Freeman’s brother has proven why he is the hop of humanity.

  4. AdmiralSakai says:

    Titan minions were very outraged and somewhat depressed since the supposed downfall of their leader, and decide to avenge his defeat, only they didn’t know how without his guidance.

    They apparently didn’t know how to grammar without his guidance either.

  5. AdmiralSakai says:

    They didn’t even bother to try using the magic dust to make more monsters. They just weren’t powerful enough.
    Cornelia: Since when has that ever been a factor? They just sprinkled it on before, Titan didn’t do anything special to help prepare it.

    That, or they actually realized that their monsters were always defeated and there was no point to making more of them.

  6. AdmiralSakai says:

    Cornelia: And from the way they’re wording it, the map doesn’t say what the secret is. Something that only makes sense when you’re keeping things secret from the reader.

    That, or if the artifact brings about Titan’s return by sacrificing his minions’ lives.

  7. AdmiralSakai says:

    Cornelia: Out of the formless void apparently. It’s funny, a dimension of darkness would be the best place to have it be an actual formless void. But no.

    Mykan’s formless voids even fail at being formless.

  8. AdmiralSakai says:

    Buddy Rose was working in his garden and Lightning and Krysta were helping him and Artie was there painting a picture of some of the flowers.

    … and then the baby just cryed and then Legolas pick her up and hold her and then the baby stoped crying and then Legolas said”your name is going be Laura”and then Legolas and the baby went onto the horse and went back to the castle where he lived.

  9. AdmiralSakai says:

    he and others gazed up at tower searchlights to see where the direction of the disturbance was

    That’s not how searchlights work, you idiot.

  10. AdmiralSakai says:

    Goeth: A little odd considering that they don’t know what humans are. Or has half of their country been conquered by humans and the Grand Ruler just didn’t tell anyone except Lightning


    Is this going to be another ‘fic where we end up rooting for the Nazis?

  11. AdmiralSakai says:

    “Whoa…! Hey…! Ho…! Yah…!”

    And I thought the orgasm laugh was bad.

  12. AdmiralSakai says:

    and he didn’t stop until he had whammed Mysterious right up against a large pole.

    Bow chicka bow bow?

  13. AdmiralSakai says:

    “BOOM-BOOM ROCKETS…!”

    You know, Mykan, most real pyrotechnicians are not five years old.

    • SC says:

      Does it surprise anyone that I know of an old XBox Live Arcade game called Boom Boom Rocket?

      It’s essentially DDR, but with fireworks, and you use a controller.

  14. AdmiralSakai says:

    That’s when the large gate doors opened wide. “Let them in…!” echoed his majesty’s voice.

    The guard’s turned, and that’s when the gang shoved their way in. “You heard him…” said Lightning.

    So, they use the Grand Ruler’s invitation to enter as a distraction to sneak in.

    Brilliant tacticians, these unicorns. Are they going to use their valid ID cards to jam the locks next?

  15. AdmiralSakai says:

    In the door were three special keyholes that only Grand Ruler could open by inserting his three horns into the holes and giving a small glow of magic.

    Ert: OH MY CHRIST MYKAN! Masturbate before you write!

    I wonder if the Grand Ruler also has three penises?

  16. AdmiralSakai says:

    “Just close your eyes and look deep inside you.”

    I see my optic nerves!

  17. Delta XIII says:

    Nora: Who the hell keeps a dimensional void in their attic?

    Goeth: *Cough*

    Nora: Don’t know why I even bothered asking.

    You should put it in the basement. Much safer.
    And tax deductible!

    Don’t ask how I know that.

  18. Delta XIII says:

    “Let’s put it out…!” cried Krysta.

    Nora: No, let’s leave it burning. It’s pretty.

    Goeth: *Sighs* It really is.

    It is rather soothing.

  19. TacoMagic says:

    Titan’s voice could be heard as the magic balls hover over the minions’ heads…

    They’re going to get such a tea-baggin’.

  20. TacoMagic says:

    Nora: Why stop there? Why not say it’s almost pretty much like except in a few spots but mostly for the most part sometimes but only not rarely like a western terrain.

    *Falls out of his chair and writhes on the ground*

  21. TacoMagic says:

    Nora: Petals/leaves can’t penetrate armor? WHAT SORCERY IS THIS!?

    *Pulls his phone out and dials a number*

    Yeah, Eliza? You may want to cancel that research on the flower cannons.

    What do you mean “Adamantine Lillies”?

    Okay, well, if you say so.

    • Syl says:

      They used to call me “The Adamantine Lily” back in my pro-wrestling days; I borrowed the name from a leather brothel in the same city.

      • TacoMagic says:

        Suddenly less interested in what Eliza is doing. I’ll be in the closet of ignorance with my fingers in my ears going “LA LA LA!”

  22. TacoMagic says:

    Cornelia: Mykan does know that “deep” usually doesn’t mean high up right?

    Strangely, I’ve used “deep” to mean upwards a few times. But, in these cases, it was in DF journal fics where the dwarves were digging deep into the sky to carve a great sky caves for themselves (their way of understanding what it is to build a towers or other structures on the surface of the planet, rather than carving them beneath).

    It actually works pretty well in that context since you can write such grandiose dwarfy things such as: “We will tunnel through the sky, carving out great caves within that yawning abyss! We will delve so deep as to mine the very sun itself!”

    So, let’s adopt that a bit into this fic. I think it reads much better when you imagine that all the characters in this fic are short, hairy, dirty, and tend to vomit uncontrollably when exposed to the sun.

  23. TacoMagic says:

    Grand Ruler explained that when first arrived to create and colonize Unicornicopia, he had forged a set of treasures he called The Rainbow Stones, which were infused with the very essence of the rainbow force and Grand Ruler’s magic and wisdom.

    Which are nothing like the Elements of Harmony. Nope, no sir. Totes different.

    • erttheking says:

      Yeah, they aren’t. The elements of harmony had some uniqueness to them.

      • TacoMagic says:

        I’m beginning to think it’s Mykan’s crusade to find everything even slightly interesting about MLP and put it through the sameness filter to get rid of that icky uniqueness.

        And by “beginning to think” I mean “have known for quite some time.”

  24. "Lyle" says:

    The other just ignored her and kept on searching. Suddenly, Rep-Stallion felt this scythe clang into something. “Hey I found something…!” he hollered.

    …He was digging with a scythe? No wonder they hadn’t found anything until now. Might as well be digging with chopsticks for all the help a scythe would be in finding buried treasure.

  25. "Lyle" says:

    Dementia clenched her fists sight

    Oh? Her fists? Not her *struggles for a moment* hoves?

  26. "Lyle" says:

    Speaking of which, I need a time machine. I need a dinosaur that isn’t sentient.

    I have the feeling that anything you bring back to the Library will gain sentience. We tend to have a strange effect on living things.

  27. "Lyle" says:

    Grand Ruler nodded and explained that this was how he was able to travel through to other dimensions and explore.

    And of course he doesn’t give enough shits about his apprentice to suggest they use it as a way to help the fairy find her home, which could totally be accessed from this Mystical Closet of Interdimensional Awesomeness.


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